Mad Love s01e01 Episode Script

Do you believe in fairy tales? Yeah, me neither.
But this one is gonna be a little different because I'm telling it.
My name is Larry Munsch, and this story begins with an ending.
No, Larry, I am serious.
I am doing it today.
I am ending it with Erin.
Oh, good.
It's about time.
How you gonna do it? I find the least painful way is to sleep with her sister.
Well, that would be the high road.
But I was thinking of telling her the truth.
My friend Ben Parr believes in things like telling the truth and princesses trapped in towers, which brings us to Kate Swanson.
My hat.
Oh, no.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Phone in the toilet, people.
Just because Kate's in a bathroom on the 38th floor of a New York skyscraper doesn't mean she's a princess trapped in a tower, right? Well, wait for it.
And I'm stuck.
Shaboom.
Help! With Erin, there's no fireworks, Larry.
I need more than just pretty and organized.
I need laughter and affection and an opinion on who would win in a fight between Batman or Superman.
Plus, her lease is almost up, and she wants to move in.
Plus, her lease is almost up, and she wants to move in.
If fairy tales have taught us anything I mean, besides the fact that it's okay to kiss a girl when she's unconscious it's that timing is everything.
Hey, Carter, Carter.
He's finally doing it, man.
He's actually breaking up with Erin.
I didn't even have to bust out my list of her flaws.
You have an actual list? - We all got lists.
- Yeah.
Controlling, patronizing, has natural breasts.
What, am I the only one who hates those? Uh, really, Carter? Dude, my phone.
I got to go back up.
Go, Larry.
Oh, sh Thank you.
It was very nice.
In fairy tales, the thing that brings them together is called fate.
In this story, it's called a cell phone in a ridiculous red case.
Steal a hat, but leave a phone? That's just bad business.
I think I just left it on the ledge over there.
- Is this your phone? - Yes.
When you push send, does it go right to commissioner Gordon's office? I'm I'm sor I'm not nerdy enough to get that.
But how cool would it be if it did? Um, it would only be the ultimate phone.
Thanks.
Well Are you organized? Um, well, I flushed my cell phone, I smell like tinkle, and I lost my favorite hat, so you tell me.
Fairy tale or not, every love story needs one special ingredient to seal the deal.
Well, I can't help you with the cell phone or the tinkle, but is this your hat? Yes.
- Wow.
- Magic.
I was gonna say beer, but, yeah, I guess magic works too.
There were fireworks, Larry, actual fireworks.
I don't know why we had to reenact it.
I wanted you to get a sense of how powerful the moment was.
Why is your right hand so much softer and smoother than your left? Not the reason you're thinking unless you're thinking masturbation, then, yes.
And now I have to tell Erin, which, you know, is not gonna be fun.
But I think she'll agree it's for the best.
Absolutely.
Yep.
Let's find out Right now.
- Hi, Erin.
- Larry, hi.
You look awful, even worse than usual.
Thank you.
Ben, you wanted to see me? Well, that is good, because I wanted to see you.
Lately, I have been feeling taken for "granite.
" Well, listen, Erin.
That's exactly what I want to talk to you about.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on.
Let me interrupt for one second.
Did you say "taken for granite"? It's granted, not granite.
You take someone for granted.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, but you're wrong.
It's granite, as in you treat someone like a statue.
And I should know.
I was wait-listed at Cornell.
Listen, Erin.
Why don't Why don't we talk about this in the conference room? Oh, sorry, Ben, I can't talk right now.
I have meetings all day.
But call me between 8:30 and 8:45.
God.
I want to end it with Erin before I see Kate tonight.
Whoa, whoa, tonight? What do you mean? I thought I thought we were going out tonight.
Well, actually, Kate and I thought it would be fun if you came with us.
She's bringing her best friend too, so Oh, no, the answer's no.
I am not gonna sit there chatting with her "interesting friend" while you waltz off with Meg Ryan, leaving me at the bar with a plate full of jalapeno poppers, okay? The answer is yes.
Can I get a beer? Is this seat open? I'll take that as a yes.
Do I know you? Do people really say that? No, I'm serious.
You look, uh familiar.
You actually look kind of familiar too.
But that could be because I used to go to a lot of pedophile conventions.
Oh, man, I always thought it was cool when I saw women at those.
- Are you happy with your beard? - You happy with yours? Oh, there it is.
There's a smile.
Got her.
Don't feel bad.
It's okay.
Much, much hotter women than you have been broken down by my charms.
No, no.
You have no charms.
I was smiling because, you know how when you're doing something excruciating, like taking a test or listening to someone describe a dream - Or reading a book.
- Hearing about how someone's trip to Africa changed their life.
Yoga.
Anyway, in those situations, when you think of how it will be over in specific detail, it helps you sort of smile through the pain.
Hmm.
That's what was happening with me.
So you just kind of gave up and went with the bangs, huh? Yeah.
Good.
And, yes, this man, knuckles deep in beer nuts, is my best friend, Larry.
You know what I don't like about beer nuts? Nothing, because they're perfect.
Oh, my God.
This is my friend Connie.
Did you guys meet? We did.
Mmm.
This carrot cake is delicious.
Carrot cake is always delicious.
I mean, the only problem with carrot cake is the name.
Yes.
Yeah.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! - Who wants a beer? - Me.
- Oh, oh, no.
- Where are you going? Oh, no.
Oh.
Okay.
So What is it you do, I guess? I'm a nanny.
A nanny, huh? For human babies, not for wolves or lizards? - First of all, babies love me.
- Right.
Second of all, I like the job security.
The mom is this rich trophy wife who knows less about babies than you do about salad.
Last call! - Oh, thank God.
- Yes! - Okay, so it's it's last call.
- It's last call, guys.
Last call.
- What? - Last call, he just said it.
I didn't hear him say last call.
- Yeah, me neither.
- Last call.
Um, well, listen.
I live nearby, - and I have beer.
- I could be convinced.
- I have to go anywhere but here.
- No, I got this other thing that's not this.
Excuse me.
Larry, could I talk to you for a second? No.
Can I just start by saying that I Oh! Larry, how many times have I been your wingman? I don't know.
Okay, fine.
You know what? You know what? - We're lawyers.
- Yeah.
- Let's negotiate.
- Okay.
- What'll it take? - All right.
Not pizza, okay? Just because I'm a husky guy who happens to like pizza doesn't mean you can say pizza, and I'll just say, "I'm in.
" Okay, not pizza.
Name something else.
Okay.
You can't think of anything but pizza now, can you? No.
- You always dive in.
- First of all, I'm not diving in.
I just want to go have a beer at his apartment.
And second, this guy's different.
He laughs at my jokes, and he smells like cinnamon.
And he doesn't call his BlackBerry his "crackberry.
" Fine.
But don't leave me alone with the hairy guy.
Promise.
And this is my room.
Yeah.
I guess I'd consider having sex with you.
If the only thing produced in the entire world were alcohol So right now I'm imagining a world where all the textiles and lumber and oil are instead alcohol there still wouldn't be enough alcohol in the world for me to sleep with you.
Wowee.
What a crazy world that would be.
No textiles.
How about those two, huh? - Pretty enchanting stuff.
- I'm used to it.
When Kate and I were kids, we always played fairy tale, and she would always be the princess, - and I would have to be - The dragon.
- The fairy godmother.
- What? Oh, my God.
It's morning, and I'm just noticing you have a guitar.
Do you play, or is that just to impress girls? Oh, well, I was the lead guitarist of a Few Good Bens.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm It's okay.
I, uh We've been talking all night, and I'm just very concerned about my breath.
And, um Okay, I might be a little gun-shy.
I tend to hang out with guys who say all the right things and then turn out to be jerks.
Well, I think I've done a pretty good job of not saying the right things tonight.
And, um, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I haven't felt this way this fast for, like, ever.
So take as long as you Wow.
Your breath is terrible.
Ugh, all right.
All right! Erin.
Larry, what are you doing here? - Me? Um, I - Who are you? Oh, does Ben let you bring prostitutes to his apartment? - Hey! - Where is Ben? Uh, Erin, he's not here, Erin.
I've been looking everywhere for him.
You know, I'm starting to get worried.
I think we should probably just assume that he's dead.
I'll make you my famous scrambled eggs with cream cheese and Erin.
You're alive! Oh, my God! Oh.
Cream cheese and what? Hi.
I'm Kate.
I wanted to see if my furniture would work when I moved in with you, so I brought fabric snatches.
But now your place feels a little crowded, so I will take my snatches and go.
She means "swatches.
" - Kate, can I just explain - Go to hell.
Kate, plea - Ha! - Connie, I have to tell her She already knows.
You suck! No.
Snatches.
Hey, Kate got her heart broken again, so she's coming up, and I might need some help with your kids.
What kind of help? I don't know.
You could feed them.
Great.
It goes in their mouths.
Hi.
Great poncho, Tiff.
Hi, babies.
Hey, Conn.
Hi.
How are you doing? Great.
So great.
Oh, God, you're doing that thing where you're acting too okay.
Nope, I am just the right amount of okay, which is super-duper great.
I met a guy who I thought was perfect, and he turned out to be exactly like every other guy, which is awesome.
Hey, listen, this is ridiculous.
I'm not used to doing half of our work.
Okay, where you been all day? - Well, I officially broke up with Erin.
- Oh! And the rest of my day has been spent coming up with ways to get Kate back.
Right on, man.
Stick it to her.
No, no, no, win her back.
I have to win her back.
All right.
Larry, I've never felt like this before, okay? When I looked into her eyes, I saw the two of us sitting on our front porch, our kids around us, a couple of dogs, our clothes drying on the line.
I I met the girl of my dreams.
You guys aren't gonna have a dryer? Here's another one filled with lies.
Kate, hi.
Me again.
Okay, just to recap It's over with Erin.
I'm more sorry than anyone ever.
And, oh, you know how you said you love sharks? Well, I got you a shark.
I'm kidding.
I got you a DVD of Shark Week.
Delete.
I think you should give him another chance.
He sounds so sweet.
And you both love sharks.
That's rare.
I don't love sharks.
I just told him I loved sharks because he loves sharks, and I wanted him to like me.
Oh, great.
So you have that in common.
No, Tiff, she just said she loved sharks.
That's what I mean.
They both lied.
Oh, my God.
Tiffany's right.
I've never heard those words in that order.
What Tiffany's saying is that we all lie to each other a little at the beginning of a relationship.
I mean, he should have told me about her, but if it was over, I should at least give him a chance to explain and tell him I don't love sharks.
And he's not answering.
I have to go find him.
- Will you come, please? - Will I? No.
- Please, please, please.
- No, never.
Not! No, no! Fine! Okay, fine.
Do you think you can watch your kids for an hour? You're right.
Bringing them is just easier.
Hmm.
My perfect woman? I didn't ask you that.
Well, I don't know, Eva.
It is Eva, right? For starters, her name might be Eva.
Your earrings are large.
You're a great conversationalist.
I know, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
It's just This girl I met, she You don't want to be here, do you? It was really nice talking to you.
No.
No, no, no.
No, Ben.
Excuse me, ladies.
No, no, stay put.
All right, Larry, I know what you're gonna sa Ow! Jeez! Hurts, right? Are you wearing a ring? Yes, I always wear the Super Bowl replica ring when we're looking to hook up.
- You know that.
- Larry, look, I'm sorry, okay? - I don't care.
- I can't do it.
Ben, this night is not about you anymore.
It's about something much, much bigger than you Me.
It's just Hey, it's just a couple of guys talking to a couple of nice girls.
You know what? You're right.
Okay, just right up here.
Connie, don't forget to pay.
My life isn't panning out.
Really? Is he here? Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
You using this? Oh, my God.
Yes, I knew it.
I knew I knew you.
You are the woman who always looks mad at the machines.
And you're the guy who always works out in jeans.
Yeah, I like to call 'em "denim sweats.
" I like to call them "stretched to their physical limit.
" Fine.
Fine.
Very nice to see you.
Have a nice day.
You know what? No, no.
I got to say something to you.
My friend Ben has finally given up on trying to reach your friend Kate, and he's a complete wreck, so thank you very much for that.
Poor thing.
I think that he gave up the night that I walked into your disgusting bar and saw him making out with some skank.
Skank? What skank? I would remember a skank.
It's my gift, thank you.
I saw it with my own eyes.
She had clown-red hair and big earrings.
No, no, absolutely not.
Sorry, you Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Pause.
He was not making out with that skank.
- I said I'm in.
- Okay.
Good news, ladies.
- I'm out.
- What? I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
It was really nice meeting you both.
Can I at least give you a hug good-bye? Uh, sure, okay.
Why not? Should we be hugging? Oh, Jeez.
I'm caught on your, uh, earring here.
Sorry.
So he wasn't with her? Quite to the contrary.
So charming.
Thank you for the smoothie, by the way.
It's yummy.
I would've paid for it myself, but I don't bring my wallet to the gym.
It restricts my range of movement, so to show my appreciation, I'll tell you what I'm not going to do.
I am not going to burp, so Quick question If we do get them back together, will you always be around? Very much so, yes.
Now, here's what I think we should do, okay? And there is a burp right here.
But that's where it's gonna stay.
What do you mean, "if we get them back together"? - I'll just tell Kate.
- That is stupid, okay? And it's not romantic.
Okay, just because that kind of thing is never gonna happen for people like us Hey, don't lump me in with your sad life.
All right.
In my case, definitely not in yours, all right, I learned a pretty long time ago that I am not the hero of the story, all right? And if I even want to be in the story, I have one of two options.
I can either help the hero or try to destroy him.
What do you want to be? Do you want to be the fairy godmother or the dragon? Fine.
What's your dumb plan? Okay.
Okay, I'm not sure I want to be up here.
No, no, you have to.
You have to.
That's the whole idea.
You got to meet my new girlfriend.
I still can't believe you met a girl at the gym.
I still can't believe you were at the gym.
I know.
I know, right? But I was.
And she's gonna meet us up here with her friend.
That's the plan.
And, uh, she should've been here by now.
That would just be so typical of my new girlfriend to screw this up.
You sound mad at your new girlfriend.
Mad? No, no, not mad.
Never.
I think she's perfect.
You know, I can't I can't stop thinking about her.
I didn't know you could have monkeys up here! If you don't want people petting your monkey, how about this? Don't have a monkey for a pet.
Right, Ben? Benjamin? Ben, where'd you go, buddy? Thanks, Carter.
It's funny.
I used to get so excited every time I'd come up here.
But now it does nothing for me, because I don't believe in love, except in the case of you and your new boyfriend.
That seems real.
Uh Oh, hold on.
Just wait here a sec, okay? I lost him.
What do you mean, you lost him? I mean if you had shown up at the appropriate time, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
So now this is my fault? Ah, did it again.
Forgot my phone.
Is this it? This is the story of my friend Ben Parr and how I helped him meet the girl of his dreams.
Hit me all you want.
Nothing can hurt more than not seeing you.
But that came close.
I missed you too.
Although it looks like he didn't need as much help as I thought.
Okay, that kiss is yours to keep, but you have a lot of explaining to do, and until you prove to me that you're the guy that I think you are, there is no more kissing.
Got it.
Starting now.
But trust me, it's not gonna be all smooth sailing for them.
And that's where I come in.
I'm sort of a godlike love ranger or a love ninja.
The point is, every love story should have one of me.
I'm just saying in a covert operation like this, a little precision counts.
Don't call this an operation.
An operation implies that the people participating in it - have the tiniest shred of competence.
- Oh, really? How about having the tiniest shred of being able to read a clock? Do they have that? A simple "I'm sorry" might get us headed in the right direction here.
I am sorry.
I am sorry that you are a moron.
I'm a moron? Now, I know what you're thinking.
She's into me.
Well, that's a story for another day and it is not a fairy tale.
Ta-da!