Mammals (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[jazz music playing]
[birds squawking]
[car engine revving]
- [Amandine] We are going to miss it.
- [Jamie] What?
- [Amandine] The sunset!
- Put your foot down!
Have you seen these roads?
On the website
there is a couple sitting in a hot tub,
drinking champagne, watching the sunset.
That's us. That's what we paid for.
- What if we die?
- Look around you.
- I'm watching the fucking
- Can you honestly,
seriously think of a better way to go?
If we go over that cliff,
roll eight hundred feet
and burst into flames,
we'd be the coolest people we know!
Okay, hang on!
[laughs]
[singer] Hold me close
and hold me fast, the magic ♪♪
[Jamie] Okay. Hold on, hold on.
[Amandine] We made it. Okay.
[singer] This is la vie en rose ♪♪
- [Amandine] Oh. Which one is it?
- [Jamie] I don't know.
I can't remember if it's the blue cabin
or the one that isn't blue.
Oh, shit! I've got no signal.
- [Amandine] I think that's the one.
- [Jamie] Quick, go, but be careful!
[Amandine] Yes. Whoo! Beautiful.
[Jamie] No. No time!
What are you doing?
There's no time! [laughs]
Get in!
- I can't get in.
- Get in the hot tub!
[screams]
- Yay! Okay!
- Okay.
- Ah.
- Ah.
[Jamie] We made it.
Look at that.
So
do you want to unpack
or fuck first and then unpack?
B.
[singer] To turn into love songs ♪♪
[Amandine] If you could be sitting with me
or any woman in history,
who would you choose?
[Jamie] Ah, it's a toss-up between you,
Janes Mansfield and Fonda,
Debbie Harry,
or Beyoncé at any point in history.
You?
Um Marlon Brando.
- Ah.
- Albert Camus
- Uh-hmm.
- Rasputin
"Russia's greatest love machine."
Um, Paul Newman,
Iggy Pop, the young Elvis Presley.
It's getting crowded.
Henry Miller.
Ryan Gosling.
And you.
Oh, wait! Steve McQueen.
Henry Miller.
Ryan Gosling.
Otis Redding.
Prince. You.
It's nice that we can be honest
about these things.
- Ow.
- Ah, I made him do that.
Oh, he's waking up.
Yeah?
Yeah.
- Feel that?
- Yeah.
Do you think he's gonna like us?
At first.
Then he'll find us embarrassing.
Then hate us.
Then hopefully after a while
he'll like us again.
But not too much, eh, so when we're gone,
he misses us for a bit,
and then forgets all about us.
Happy Anniversary, Mrs Buckingham.
[speaking French]
And you, Mr. Buckingham.
[laughs]
[birds squawking]
[Jamie, in English] Listen to this!
"Looking for the ultimate in relaxation?
Qualified masseuse, Sonia, from Plymouth,
provides hot stone,
Swedish slash deep tissue massage,
Reiki, and slash or ear candling.
From seventy-five quid."
- Shall we?
- Do it!
All right.
Sonia from Plymouth.
It is your lucky day.
Two Reiki slash massages, please!
[water splashes]
Amandine!
Amandine! You gotta get out here!
There's a whale!
I'm not joking, there's a fucking whale!
Come and there's a fucking whale
Hi.
Hello.
Amandine!
There's a whale and Tom Jones,
an actual Tom Jones!
- Amandine
- [Amandine] Jamie,
I'm bleeding.
[siren wailing]
[Jamie] It's gonna be okay.
[Amandine] No, it doesn't
feel like it's going to be okay.
- Excuse me, you can't come any further.
- I don't wanna leave her.
Sorry, you have to wait here.
[pained moans]
[emotional music playing]
[Amandine] Hey.
Hey.
How are you feeling?
High.
Well, that's something.
Let's look on the bright side.
At least now he'll never hate us.
Yeah.
What did you do last night?
I, uh
I had a scotch.
And then I spent like six hours on Google.
I now know all there is about blue whales.
And Tom Jones.
You can test me.
"Largest mammal on Earth", Tom Jones.
His tongue weighs 2.7 tons.
Tom Jones' penis
is the largest of any living organism.
Ten feet. [chuckles]
[sobbing]
It's okay. It's okay. Shh, it's okay.
Oh, baby. It's okay.
Are you all right?
What d'you need?
- We need to tell people. [sniffs]
- We don't.
- We don't need to do anything.
- It's happened.
I don't even have
everybody's numbers, baby.
Here.
Call everyone.
I want a funeral.
- Not Not a funeral
- Okay.
something, something to say goodbye.
Sure.
[sniffles]
When they took you in there
When they took you away,
I went outside into the car park
and I prayed.
You don't believe in God.
I know I don't.
Absolute bollocks, but I did.
I prayed to Him or I don't know,
'cause I said he could take the baby
but he can't take you.
I said however much he loves you
doesn't come close to how much I love you.
Well, he listened.
Yeah, he did,
even though he doesn't exist.
[dramatic music playing]
[Jamie speaking French]
No, no, it will be fine. Yes, sure.
See you later. Thank you, Beatrice.
[in English] Hey, Mum.
No. I'm on Amandine's phone,
I have a terrible signal.
Is Dad around? I've
I've gotta tell you something.
[birds chirping]
I forgot to say, the fish van was in town.
I got some squid.
Lovely.
[Jeff] Yeah, when I was in school
I did this project on octopuses,
and I stood in front of the whole class,
I was really nervous,
and I stood there
and the first thing I said was,
"An octopus has eight testicles".
"Tentacles!" I mean "Tentacles!".
[laughs]
Oh!
Talk about a swallow-me-up moment,
I mean, please!
Take me right now!
Lue?
- Lue?
- [Lue] Hmm?
Cup of tea?
Lovely.
[cell phone ringing]
Hey, Lue, it's me.
I'm on Amandine's phone.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
How is she?
She's fine.
I mean, you know, she's okay.
We're okay, it'll be
you know, it'll be okay.
Have you told Mum and Dad?
[Jamie] I just did, yeah.
Listen, Lue, I'm gonna have to go,
I haven't got a great signal here.
[Lue] I love you, Jamie.
I love you too.
[exhales sharply]
[cell phone dings]
[Tom Jones] Hey!
You're my neighbour, right?
I'm Tom from next door.
Pleased to meet you.
I don't know about you
but I'm coming back.
I mean, this is like a landscape
you already know!
It's like something
that's etched in your soul.
Do you ever get that?
- [retches]
- You all right?
[coughs]
[vomits]
Jesus Christ!
What was it, an oyster or something?
[sniffles]
Tom Jones.
Yeah.
[piano music playing]
[singer singing in foreign language]
[bell tolling]
[Jeff] Jamie, mate, it's time.
[Jamie sighs] How do I look?
I mean, your nose
is a bit too close to your mouth.
[chuckles] Okay. Thanks mate, cheers.
[emotional music playing]
[Lucy] Your love is so strong.
Whatever else you do
keep remembering this
at least you still have each other.
Hmm. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that.
Cheers.
My father er, was the lead violinist
with the Philharmonie de Paris.
When Amandine was small
she used to sit at his knee,
and listen to him play Mozart.
This this is your grandfather's violin.
We meant it to be for your son.
Now, it will be for your next son.
[speaking French]
Thanks, Mum.
Thanks, Beatrice.
[in English]
That's incredibly kind, thank you.
[glass clinking]
Um, I know most of you
probably wondered why
we needed to do this.
Uh, but what matters to us
is that you came,
and so I wanted to say something.
[chuckles]
Something to my husband. Um
Jamie, you are the most amazing,
deep, fun, sexy man in the world,
and I love you,
and I want to have
a hundred more children with you.
I love you too.
I love you.
To Jamie and Amandine.
[all] To Jamie and Amandine.
[woman] Merci.
[groans]
Um, I'm not going in today.
I feel terrible.
Okay. Well, see you later.
[siren wailing in the distance]
[upbeat music playing]
[Jeff] It's embarrassing, actually.
Not Not embarrassing, nah, it's just
it's a bit awkward
because she's your sister.
But, well, she's started doing this thing
where I'll start talking,
telling a story
something that happened
that day or something
something small or some bollocks, I dunno.
Anyway, I get to the point of this story
and she doesn't even notice.
She didn't even know I was talking.
It's like she's a million miles away
and everything I say
is just in the background.
If you're with someone you love
and trying to say something
Do you know anyone called Paul?
What?
Nothing.
Doesn't matter.
Look, I'm no expert
but maybe you and Amandine
should talk to someone.
Get some therapy or something?
You've both been through the ringer.
You're probably in shock.
Yeah, I am in shock.
- That's what it is.
- Sounds like it.
- Completely normal.
- Shock.
Read that.
What is it?
Just read it. Out loud.
[Jeff] "Paul: When you back?",
"Amandine: Monday".
"Paul: I miss you."
"Amandine: I miss you too."
Sad face.
"Paul: I miss your arse."
"Amandine: I miss your cock."
"Paul: I wanna come all over your face."
"Amandine: As soon as you get back."
Kiss.
[instrumental music playing]
[Lue] How's Jamie?
[Jeff] He'll be fine.
- [sheep bleating]
- [birds chirping]
- [dog barks]
- [Lue] Go!
Go!
There's a good girl. Come on.
Shh.
[animal groaning]
Hey, stay.
Good girl.
Stay. Stay.
[hushing]
You're okay.
You're okay.
There's a good boy.
You're okay.
Shh.
That's it.
That's it, just breathe.
- [animal grunts]
- [neck cracks]
[upbeat music playing]
Who the fuck are you?
[Jamie] Sit down.
Get the fuck out of my house!
I'm Amandine's husband.
[papers thud]
- [keys jangle]
- [sniffles]
Okay, it's funny, isn't it?
You're just bobbing along in your life,
day to day,
in one reality
and then suddenly, disaster strikes.
And you look around
and you find yourself all alone
on the beach with Tom Jones.
What?
Café Chino on the Old Brompton Road.
Jose's Tapas Bar on Bermondsey Street.
An afternoon trip to see
the recently restored original print
of Francois Truffaut's
400 Blows at the BFI.
The Uber Lux back here afterwards.
I've been watching you for two weeks.
I know everything about you.
Where you work,
live,
the key under the brick
next to the dead geranium.
The girlfriend you met Monday
in Soho Square
and took to Wagamama's.
Wendy Wilson.
Wendy was wearing an engagement ring.
Do I hear wedding bells, mate?
- Okay
- [Jamie] You've been fucking my wife.
Just listen to me.
Have you or haven't you
been fucking my wife?
Please don't tell Wendy.
- Good.
- [Paul] Please.
So you have.
Good.
See 'cause there's a problem with this.
'Cause I love my wife.
I do.
I love her so much, I don't think
there's anything I wouldn't do for her.
I don't mean breaking into your dank,
half as nice as it thinks it is flat.
I mean, I'd die for her.
I'd kill for her.
So you got a choice to make.
You can end this right now,
and you never, ever,
speak to my wife again,
or I'm gonna open that big dark box.
That's right, Paul.
Starting with paying a visit
to your fiancé,
who works at the dermatology clinic
on Harley Street as a receptionist.
So it's time to choose.
What's it gonna be, Paul?
Who's Paul?
[upbeat music playing]