Man Like Mobeen (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

This programme contains
very strong language.
I feel sick. I thought
What did you think?
I thought it was a laptop.
How have you got confused between a
laptop and a dead cat in a bag?
It's just so upsetting.
It's squidgy.
A laptop's not squidgy, is it?
I thought it was bubble wrap, innit?
So a dude pulls up to you,
offers you a laptop in a bin bag,
and you think that's a good deal?
That is a good deal.
£150 for a laptop, that's wicked.
It's a very good deal for a laptop.
Not a dead cat in a bag.
Why wouldn't you look inside it
before you bought it?
What? When you go and buy a can of
Coke from the shop,
do you look inside to see if it's
got a Coke in it
or does it just have Coke in it?
Huh?
Listen, I didn't get a receipt,
innit?
So I can't take it back, so
How are we going to get rid of it?
How do you think we're going to get
rid of it? I'll have to do it
All right.
I'm not carrying it this time.
What's wrong with him, like?
Where are you going? To hell.
You're in so much trouble,
you don't even know.
You're in trouble as well.
Why, what did he do? What?
Did he stroke the cat?
Yeah, he touched it.
What does that mean? Your
fingerprints are all over the ting.
Come here, open the bag for me.
Pass it here.
Pass it here, yeah.
Don't shake it! Now you can see its
face properly, yeah? Look at that.
That cat did not die of natural
causes. Horrible, yeah?
When they die of natural causes,
they're all, "Meow! Meow!"
Bruv, look at his face
Something rolled up on that pussycat
and murdered him, bro.
The RSPCA are fully looking for you.
Will this affect my
National Trust membership?
They might revoke that shit.
Oh, shit!
Listen, don't worry. I'll come visit
you in prison, innit?
If Mobeen drives, I'll come.
Yeah, don't bother.
Oh, shit!
Where are you going?
Go, go, go!
Get your hands in the air!
Armed police, get your fucking hands
in the air now.
Especially you, Mobeen.
OK, OK, OK!
Where's your fucking friend gone?
Why has he run off?
I asked you a question.
I don't know.
If I had to guess, I'd probably say
it's because he's black.
What?
Officer, I don't know if you've
heard of this thing called history.
Yeah? But these situations very
rarely work out for the black man.
What's in the bag?
What's in the bag? It's a laptop.
It's a dead cat.
Sajid?
You take this one.
Hold on a minute.
Is that Saj from school?
Stuart Little? It is Stuart Little!
Did you call him Lord Of The Rings?
Yeah. Here, let me help you.
Get back, get back,
hands in the air!
What have you found, Frodo?
It's a dead cat, sir.
What the fuck is wrong
with you people?
Fucking hell!
Look who's in charge now, huh?
Sajid, listen, man.
Why have you got all the shit out?
Are you arresting Ironman or what?
It's me!
Risk assessment management meeting
dictates this level of response.
The risk assessment management
meeting dictates
this level of Shut up, Sajid.
Shut up! Well, sorry and all that,
you could have trained two highly
qualified nurses
with the money you spent on training
this useless brown bollock.
Don't call me that.
Don't call me that.
Listen, yeah? Stop wasting
taxpayer's money on this bullshit.
We're the police, we waste
taxpayer's money
on whatever we like. Yeah.
Well, you could have got three
RSPCA officers
Hands in the air, now!
You, you're under arrest. Why?
Him, why? What did I do?
What did he do again, sir?
Someone matching your description
is using kids to sell drugs.
He matches the description,
so he's coming with us.
Sorry, what was his description?
Brown male, in jogging bottoms.
Oh, well, it could be you, eh?
I think it is me. It's not you!
This is racial profiling.
Go suck your mum's
We know our rights.
Oh, don't play the race card,
Mobeen.
I am the race card.
Why would you say What does
that mean?
What does that mean?
Why would you say that?
Just so you know, yeah,
he was never happy being a Feast.
You always wanted to be a vanilla
Magnum, didn't you? Didn't you?
Tell him it's got nothing to do
with racial profiling.
This has nothing to do
with racial profiling.
It's got nothing to do with racial
profiling. Dude.
Careful, sunshine.
It would be a shame if I had a
little mishap at work
..and accidentally shot you
six times in the fucking face.
Accidentally shot you in the face
six fucking times.
I've had enough of this shit.
Cuff him. No, no, no.
I told you I'd get you back,
look at me.
My dick is in your face,
what are you going to do about it?
Look at me. Look at me.
Stand down. No more coffee for
you in the morning! Christ!
Fuck!
I just don't feel comfortable with
the level of tension in your scalp.
You know as well, I reading on
the internet, yeah,
they've got this extracts of
volcanic ash cloud and that, right?
Mum never took this long to do my
braids.
Unless she's turned into Pakistan's
version of Mr Tickle,
she can't reach your hair
from Karachi, can she?
So you're stuck with your big
brother during your hair.
Can't I get a professional to
do them? Oi! I am a professional.
I want more volume in here.
I need more volume.
I want to get it hench and that,
like, try feathering it.
I could even layer it, you know.
Or maybe just finish off my braids.
I can hear my hair growing!
Is Eight still in custody?
Is being a weirdo finally a crime?
If he was in prison for that,
he'd be in prison for the rest of
his life, wouldn't he?
No, the old Bill think he's been
selling drugs.
Eight, a drug dealer? That's funny.
That's what I said as well.
Everyone knows it's Shahid.
Why do you even know that name?
Have you lost weight?
You're looking trim, you know.
Stop all that, yeah.
Tell me what you know.
The rumour in Year Ten
is that Shahid is getting
some of the kids to move
his grub for him.
What? I don't know why you can't
just snitch on Shahid
and get Eight out.
It don't work like that, all right?
I'm telling you now, Aks, yeah?
You stay well away from anything to
do with this, you understand?
There is one person in the family
who don't get involved
in drug dealing.
I don't do no drugs, sell drugs,
who told you that, man?
I don't know what you're
talking about. Is that true?
Do you think I've lost
weight, though,
because I'd been doing sit-ups
and crunches and that, like.
Don't be stupid.
BING!
Kareema is here. Listen, wait for
me. Wait for me.
Your hair looks lovely from here,
you know.
You're giving me stress.
I did a stress test, and it
said I'm dead,
pretty much dead because of you.
Yo, yo.
I want to talk to you.
Wa gwa, Mobeen?
Look, I can't stay, man, got to go.
Business and that, yeah.
Kareema, what are you doing hang
around with that mug?
He's mum's cousin's cousin.
What's your problem, Mobeen?
I don't care who he is, yeah?
Stay well away from him,
do you understand?
Why? What are you going to do?
Are you going to braid my hair
really, really slowly?
Maybe I will.
Maybe I will. She's weird, man.
They won't keep him here
for much longer.
That's what Nelson Mandela's
wife said.
Look what happened there.
Blud, they don't even give
refreshments in here any more.
Not even a water cooler.
I don't know why I pay my taxes.
You don't pay your taxes.
OK, I don't know why you pay your
taxes, then, innit?
You OK, bro?
Hey?
WHISPERING: Shit!
It's that guy.
WHISPERING: What guy?
They call him the
Small Heath sex falcon.
Why?
Because man swoops in,
and violates tall man
..with kind faces.
I'm a tall man.
With a kind face.
NORMAL VOLUME: What's going on with
you, sir?
Come on, man, no judgment here.
What was it?
Well, I was pretending
to be a ghost.
I beg your pardon.
When people went to visit graves,
I'd
Oh, never mind.
Never mind never mind, go on.
I'd go up behind them.
And? And go, "Wooo."
What's going on in here, man?
I think Arnold Schwarzenegger's
vegan now.
That's how come he's so active,
even though he's so old.
Oh, so boss, Officer Sajid,
you're doing such a good job.
You're a good police officer, you.
Wasting more time on innocent
people. You all right, yeah?
Listen, watch Terminator Three
again,
then you tell me it's not the best
one from all the Terminator films.
That one is the wickedest one.
Have you given him sugar?
I had two digestives and an
orange squash. For goodness' sake!
The guy's a weirdo.
Just get him out of here.
Can I stay?
Because he proper lets me talk.
Do you want to stay the afternoon?
Yeah.
That's fine, yeah,
you can stay with you.
What is wrong with you?
If I sell drugs,
can I come back then?
You're not a drug dealer,
you're a baby.
It's OK. We'll bring him back for a
play date another day, yeah?
You fucking piece of shit!
I'm a piece of shit?
Putting my face
in the middle,
do you understand? Come on. You all
right, yeah? Come on.
Mugging man off and that.
Because of my face in my hood.
Shave that beard off as well.
Fucking terrorist!
Wow, Islamophobia from a Muslim,
yeah?
Officer Sajid, I forgot to mention.
I saw your mum last week.
She still says you're a dickhead!
Get the fuck out of my station.
And you know that ghost, yeah?
He's the sanest motherfucker in
this place.
Thank you.
I can't do this job any more.
I still don't know why you had
to go get him.
What's going to happen to him in
between leaving the police station,
and going home? Take your pick.
Getting dog poo in his hair.
Signing up to the Territorial Army.
Getting his shoes jacked by that
group of 12-year-old muggers,
do you remember that?
But them girls
Tell her how vicious the girls were.
OK, stupid question.
Yeah, it was.
He's daft and that, yeah.
But he's like family. And we look
after family, you know that.
Yeah, us'll all do anything
for one another.
Because, like, we are,
like, brothers.
Obviously not the same mum,
but, you know, blood is thicker
than water.
And he is thicker concrete!
They know what they're talking
about, like, innit?
Like, pay attention. It's a set of
rules that we live by.
We're basically a lovely family.
It's a kind of code. Yeah, we
fall out,
but we never, ever snitch
on one another.
How did you get dog poo
in your hair anyways?
What it is, if you're wearing a
hoodie, right,
and someone puts dog poo
in the back of your hoodie,
and then you put the hoodie up, then
you've got dog poo in your hair.
It's obvious now you say it.
That's why I said it.
Mate, did you bring your
own cutlery?
Oh, yeah, I always bring this fork.
Zayn Malik reckons he's from the
hood in Bradford. Really?
Yeah, but I'll knock him spark out.
Yeah, you could.
I need you to take these for me,
please.
There's a squad car waiting right
outside school for me,
and I swear they are following me.
Can't you just throw them away?
Are you crazy?
Shahid would kill me.
You're my best mate,
I would do the same for you.
Just go. Thank you.
It's you, bro. Remember you sold me
that laptop, it wasn't a laptop,
it was a dead cat in a bag.
It was the wrong bag.
Oh, you gave me the wrong bag?
All right. Don't mess me about
next time, yeah?
Mobeen.
Bloody hell.
Aks, you know according to this
documentary here, now, yeah,
strawberry milkshakes contain
an ingredient
that comes from the bum gland
of a beaver.
The bum gland of a beaver.
Who is even up the beaver's bum,
looking for ingredients
in the first place?
Unbelievable.
Aks. Aks.
What?
Would you drink strawberry milkshake
with all these bum glands in there?
I'm good, thanks.
Yeah, same here.
Blowing my mind, this is.
Come here and watch
it with me, man.
You probably need this info
for your GCSEs, come.
Aks.
Aks!
All right, all right, you don't have
to drink it if you don't want to.
Why has Kareema even got these in
the first place?
Oh, shite
I just did what I thought you would
have done for Eight and Nate.
I helped her.
We don't snitch on our own people.
That's the rule.
No! It's not Well, it
I mean, yeah, butI'm sorry,
it's my fault, OK?
Just don't cry.
Don't cry, OK? It's not your fault.
I have to fix this, all right?
Just wait until I get back,
lock the door.
Mobeen's gone off the shade.
Do you know what this means?
BOTH: Fight!
Yo, wa gwan, Mobeen?
Keep this filth away from Kareema,
and you even look in the direction
of my little sister You'll what?
Yeah, this ain't your
game any more. You retired. So what?
You just want to be an imam by day,
and a road man by night?
It's a shame about your sister,
you know.
She'd have made a good little
drug dealer.
I ain't scared of you, Mobeen.
What are you going to do?
What am I going to do?
Yeah.
What are you going to do, Mobeen?
What am I going to do?
I'll show you what I'm going to do.
Come here. I'm going to show you.
Take that.
Take this leek in your face.
Do you like bananas?
How about it? I'm going to give you
your five a day today.
You'll get your five a day today.
I'm allergic to kiwis.
Oh, are you? Yeah!
Don't, man, don't.
Yes!
Take the kiwi!
THEY SQUEAL
That was sick!
Check you out, you were like
Dhalsim.
You proper turned him into a
fruit salad, innit?
Are you all right? Mate! Mate!
What?
Bro, I stopped recording,
can you do that again?
Who was paying for all these fruits?
His mum's going to have to pay
for it, innit?
SIREN WAILS
Oh, fuc
Not Harper again.
I'm going to ask for a chocolate
digestive this time.
Is that important right now?
Thank you for giving me a genuine
reason
to take you down to the station.
What's that reason?
You didn't see me do
I haven't done anything to see.
Tell him I didn't do anything.
What about the fight?
He didn't do anything.
Listen, listen.
Have I done anything, though?
There was a man lying in fruit.
That is enough. Are you going to
kill a man or what?
Not yet. What do you mean not yet?
What's that supposed to mean?
No, I didn't do anything.
Did you see me do anything?
Did you see man do
Get in.
Mobeen!
I didn't do anything.
Step back, or I'll gas you.
I didn't do anything.
Why is he covered in bananas?
Because he likes salad.
That's a likely story.
Put that phone down.
Officer, please, you have to let me
go, man.
They are going to take her away
from me. Please, man.
Officer, please, man,
there's nobody else at home.
Out. What?
Get out.
You're an absolute waste
of fucking time.
What is it? He won't admit it was
you that gave him an 'iding.
You lot and your bullshit code.
I don't know why I'm taking
these off, I'm sure I'll put you
back in them soon enough.
Am I good to go?
Piss off, Mobeen.
Come here, Aks.
Are you OK?
Come over here, man.
What?
You all right?
Oi! Who done this to my fruit?
Eight did it.
No more paper round for you.
Do you do a paper round here?
Sometimes.
Listen, man, people can say what
they like about Small Heath.
I love living here, man. They say
it's violent all the time and that.
Didn't you have a fight two
minutes ago?
Yeah, OK, it was violent then, but
that's because I made it violent.
I'm not going to do that again, so
you ain't got to worry about that.
Ain't that your boy?
Oh, yeah, it's Drizzee
Good to see you, brother.
He's a good guy.
It is violent. It's not
Well, yes, you're right, actually,
it's violent.
Do you know why?
Because of them. Geeses?
Geese, yeah, get that right.
Geese! Yeah, man, people think
Small Heath's violent and dangerous,
Worried about gang-related
crime and that.
They want to worry about
goose-related crime.
That's claimed the most lives in
Small Heath this year.
That's how violent they are.
So if they attack me,
I'll be able to throw fruit them,
yeah?
If they attack you, throw what you
like out of them, mate,
they are dangerous. Oi! Stop that!
Not now, where did you get
that from?
Well Did you rob that
from the?
Put it away, I'm paying tomorrow.
It's one of my five-a-days.
Yeah, stolen one of your
five-a-days,
there's no nutrients in that,
is there?
So you're telling me
you're scared of geese?
I'm not scared of the geese,
I'm just cautious around the geese.
Do you know what I mean?
Why are we walking faster?
SHE SQUAWKS
How many times?
Don't make that noise,
they'll come over here.
SHE SQUAWKS
Can you stop doing that?
He's looking this way now.
SHE SQUAWKS
Aks, can you stop that?
I've been diagnosed with
ornithophobia.
Stop that!