Manhattan Love Story (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Yes! Yep.
Yes.
AAA.
Oh, I think I already did her.
Don't remember her name.
Please, don't recognize me.
Ku-ku-ka-chu, Mrs.
Robinson.
Oh God, yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Probably I don't know.
Yes.
Dana: Hello, gorgeous.
I don't believe we've met, but now I have to have you.
God, I love New York.
Look at that thing.
Not so much.
I just want to snatch you up and take you home.
That's mugging.
You are thinking about mugging someone for a purse.
It's time to re-examine your priorities.
Hold on.
Must have that.
Most beautiful purse ever.
How great would I look aah! If Gandalf likes it, how great can it really be? Nope, don't care.
Must have that.
Not bad.
Peter: Yes.
Yes! No.
First day of work.
First day of work.
Love the outfit.
Dana: I don't want to brag, but I do look pretty Hold on.
What's this? Perfeito.
Damn it.
She's right.
So, you nervous? You got the butterflies? Moving halfway across the country, switching careers I'd be straight-up freaking out.
I'm not switching careers.
I am finally doing the only thing that I've ever wanted to do.
I'm starting my career today.
Oh, and before I forget, David's brother Peter the one he works with he's gonna call and ask you out.
Is that my horoscope? It's awfully specific.
It'll be fun.
We could do couple stuff, and you won't feel like the third wheel.
Been here less than a week.
I didn't realize it was getting awkward.
Not yet.
[Chuckles.]
You are gonna love him, okay? Here you go.
I baked you some muffins to share with everyone.
Now, remember, his name is Peter, and do not feed the pumpkin muffins to anyone with a nut allergy, or you will kill them.
Now fly, fly, little bird.
Fly away.
Did I say yes to the date? I can't remember.
She says so many words.
What's up? Uh, I need you to call one of Amy's friends and ask her out on a date.
No.
Aw, come on.
I already told her you were gonna do it.
Do you want to tell her I was lying? No, I think you should tell her.
[Laughs.]
Seriously, though.
Her name is Dana, and I'm supposed to say, "tell Peter she's not like the bimbos he normally dates, so don't screw it up.
" [Chuckles.]
I don't like her already.
She works in publishing.
She just moved here from Atlanta.
She was Amy's sorority sister.
Sorority girl? It's getting better.
Oh, bro, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Rumor has it they used to get drunk on appletinis and hook up.
Like "dance at a party and kiss while everyone's watching" hook up, or? Hook up back in the room, tie on the door, illegal in Texas, full sapphic debauchery.
I guess you could give me her number.
Amy refuses to confirm it.
She doesn't deny it, either.
It haunts me.
If I'm honest, it's half the reason I married her.
All right.
What you doing, bro? Working.
Are you? No, of course not.
Here, come look at this profile pic of this girl that Amy and David are setting me up with.
Which one is she? - The ugly one.
- How do you know? If you're pretty, you're not gonna risk having people think that you're the wrong one, but if you're not pretty, you're counting on it.
No one thinks like you.
No, everyone thinks like me.
I'm really not looking to date anyone right now.
Hmm.
Are you not looking to date, or do you know that women find that irresistible? And then when you dump them, you can say, "I told you I wasn't into dating," so it's their fault? I don't know who you're describing right now, but it isn't me.
Peter: Get out of my soul, witch.
- Morning, dad.
- Oh, hey, dad.
Hey, you kids on a break? Well, I guess it is already 9 02.
Check out the girl David set Peter up with.
The uggo? Pound it.
Dana: "Peter Cooper.
" Oh, come on.
How does that auto-correct to "pirate condom"? [Cellphone rings.]
Hello? Hey.
Why did you just type "Peter Cooper" into your status update? No, I didn't.
I was searching for his profile.
No, you put it in your status update, and now everyone you know now knows you're stalking him.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Dana.
Undo.
Where is the "undo"? Dana, just people are seeing this, and messages are coming in.
"Who is Peter Cooper?" "Do you have a new boyfriend?" Speakerphone.
Thing I just want to smash it.
Yes, if you smash your phone, the Internet disappears.
Just give me your password.
I'll do it.
"Muggles.
" [Laughter.]
Oh, I'm the only person who reads "Harry Potter.
" You're talented.
You're ready.
- This is going to be great.
- [Elevator bell dings.]
Barry, take care.
Don't lose hope, Barry.
Woman: Keep that chin up.
Everything will be fine.
[All speaking indistinctly.]
Hi.
I'm Dana.
Barry left his back pillow.
- Jackpot.
- You already have a good chair.
Woman: Check the drawer for change.
How many pads of paper do you need? - Ooh, gum.
- Hi.
I'm Dana Hopkins.
I'm the new junior editor.
- As in just hired? Wait.
- What department? - Who hired you? - Hired? Dana, I didn't hear you come in.
- Uh, everybody - You just hired her? Barry's elevator hasn't even made it to the lobby yet.
There have been some cutbacks at the higher levels, but we are optimistic things are picking up, which is why I am bringing in new employees to, uh, help all of you.
Dana, uh, you are going to be working for Brian and, uh, Sue here.
Excellent.
If anybody needs me, I will be, uh, in my - Bunker.
- Office! Who said that? You're next.
[Chuckles.]
A little joke.
[Chuckles.]
So, who do I report to? Oh.
- Keep walking.
- Hi.
Hi.
[Cellphone beeps.]
"Peter here.
Din 2 night.
" Romantic.
If I actually capitalize words and use punctuation, am I some kind of freak? "Hi, Peter.
Food good yes eat?" Screw it.
Just be simple and to the point.
"It sounds delightful.
When? Where? Dana.
" Perfect.
Send.
- Peter: Hello? - What? Oh.
Uh, hello? Is this Dana? It's Peter.
Yeah, I was just texting you.
I think you hit the wrong button.
Ooh, a smart one.
Anyways, um, yes.
Yes, what? I dinner would like.
Dinner sounds good.
So I'm gonna hang up now.
"Just made an ass of myself to the guy you set me up with.
" Send.
No! [Cellphone chimes.]
[Chuckles.]
Uh, I think the woman you set me up with is insane.
She's a good speller, though.
[Indistinct conversation.]
Okay, I'm heading home soon.
Either one of you ever going to tell me what to do? We're getting picked off one by one.
If anyone cheap can do our job, we're gone.
And you look cheap.
And we'll be burning these clothes.
I don't want your jobs.
I just want to learn how to do mine.
So, I will be back tomorrow, and I will loom over you all day again just looming.
- Please stop talking.
- All day.
I need the new Haas manuscript.
Just came in.
Should be in Craig Spellman's office just one floor up.
Plenty of time.
I am on it.
And, uh, take the stairs.
We're not supposed to use the elevator for one-floor trips.
You know, save the earth, blah, blah, blah.
Oh, no, you didn't! Hello? I really wish I'd peed before I came in here.
Is that a finger? Brian: Yo, taxi! You owe me a pair of shoes and a tetanus shot.
Did I make a mistake moving here? No.
So, my first day of work was a train wreck, but cheer up.
At least I've got a blind date I was forced into, and I'm sweating like I just did 10 hours of hot yoga.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Peter: Oh, poor girl.
Wow, that can't get much more embarrassing.
I spoke too soon.
Oh, wait a second.
Wait a second.
That's not her, is it? And it's totally her.
Of course it's her.
Woman: He's right over here.
Thanks for the setup, David.
Hey, you must be Dana.
- Hey.
- I'm sorry.
No, no, not at all.
I'm Peter.
It's really great to meet you.
Two sentences, and I already like you more than your brother.
[Chuckles.]
That long? I'm slipping.
David never really explained what you guys do something about trophies? Trophies, uh, plaques, um, vases.
Basically, if you can engrave your name on it, we make it.
How's the business? It's good.
Uh, it's actually never been better, you know? I mean, they used to only give trophies to winners.
Now they give them to anybody.
14th place? [Clicks tongue.]
You're a champion.
Team spirit, never missed a practice.
The celebration of mediocrity in this country is the biggest windfall our company's seen in four generations.
You should make yourself a trophy.
10th-best sales in region! [Chuckles.]
Totally going back to my place.
[Gasps.]
When's the last time I washed the sheets? He thinks we're going back to his place.
I hate that he's right.
So, how do you know Amy? Freshman year, uh, we were living on the same floor, and I was the I keep forgetting to water my ficus.
Man, I can't believe it didn't die yet.
And I guess ficuses don't need a whoa! Totally just saw some bra.
Well, don't look.
Just keep it right in your peripheral vision.
This is honestly the best move ever.
Does he really think I can't tell he's staring at my breasts? Back up.
Back up here.
Here we go.
Hey.
Yeah.
I-I was just Checking out my boobs.
- Busted.
- Yeah.
That was feisty.
"I am deaf.
"Any donation you can make for this handmade bracelet would be appreciated.
" Just leave it on the table.
No, I'm gonna give him something.
Mnh-mnh.
It's a scam.
He's not really deaf.
Oh, come on.
Of course he is.
He's not deaf.
Watch.
Watch.
Over here! Hey! - Let's go! - Don't make a fuss.
It's New York City, okay? The only way you're gonna get anyone's attention is if you make a fuss.
[Claps hands.]
Come on, buddy.
[Whistles.]
Looks like somebody's buying a bracelet.
My good man, I will pay you $20 right now to admit to us that you're just not deaf.
So, that offer expires in three, two You are as generous as you are wise.
There you go.
[Clicks tongue.]
Welcome to New York.
Okay, just because he's not deaf doesn't mean everybody's not deaf.
[Chuckles.]
That's the bleakest optimism that I have ever heard.
I'm not rooting for everybody to be deaf.
Just You're just rooting for him to be deaf.
Sure.
Yes.
Thank you.
Fair enough.
[Clatter.]
No.
No.
He saw me.
Can this day get any worse? Did I pick my teeth? Pick my nose? Did I smell myself out there? So, how are you liking the city so far? What have you seen? I've only been here a couple of days, so the only thing I've gotten off my list is, uh, go to the Met.
- Your list? - You will think it's dumb.
No, tell me.
Maybe I can think of something you missed.
Oh, it's a real you you wrote it down? - It's huge.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, man.
Number one statue of liberty.
Classic.
I mean, I guess you got to go, right? High Line Park? Wouldn't be on my top hundred, but I guess after you've literally done everything else in Manhattan, why not? - Let's see - Why did I mention the list? What a disaster with my stupid list and my smelly pits.
- Is she crying? - Am I crying? - Holy [Bleep.]
- Holy [Bleep.]
I'm sorry.
Um I was just trying to be funny.
[Voice breaking.]
It's not you.
I just had a really bad day at work.
And a little bit you.
Work there you go.
You haven't even told me what you did.
[Sobbing.]
I'm, uh I'm really sorry.
I didn't I didn't mean to This can't be happening.
I haven't cried in public since my mom told me that mittens died.
God, mittens! Happy thoughts.
Free wine, Pixar movies, first orgasm I didn't give myself.
Is this all because I brought up work? Could you please stop saying "work"? All right.
- [Hiccups.]
- What was that? When I cry I hiccup.
[Hiccups.]
I think I'm gonna go before I just throw up.
- Uh, do you I mean, well, I mean - Stay.
[Hiccuping.]
[Chuckles.]
New record! Hey, heard it went great last night.
[Scoffs.]
Oh, yeah.
Set me up again real soon.
You betcha.
Here's the thing uh, you sent Dana home not drunk already hard to see the benefit for me and sobbing.
I did nothing wrong.
I don't care what you did.
What I do care about is Amy was mad at you last night, and since you weren't around, she was mad at the only thing in the apartment with a penis, which is me.
Well - [Cellphone rings.]
- Oh, speak of the devil.
- Not a chance.
- You did this.
- She's your wife.
- Fine.
Hello, love of my life.
I'm standing right next to him.
I'm gonna pass it to him right now.
Love you.
Bye.
I thought it was going great.
I have no idea what happened.
Peter, Dana's part of my life.
You're part of my life, and if different parts of my life aren't in harmony, it makes things harder for me.
Now, do I like my life complicated and messy or beautiful and fun? - Beautiful and fun.
- Beautiful and fun.
Yes.
Beautiful and fun.
Now, to be honest, you probably should have said no to the date in the first place, but you didn't - I did say no.
- and here we are, so you'll fix it? Feel like all I can say is "yes.
" Wonderful.
And into feathered peacock.
I hate you both.
I hate you both.
I hate you both.
And smile.
Good morning.
I have a few things to say.
After you sent me down the stairwell Fist bump the handshake of douche bags.
I went back up and grabbed the manuscript and copy edited the whole thing last night.
Here.
I left everything behind to move to New York to chase my dreams.
And you two are Hey! Over here! Let's go! Maybe we should take Eric at his word.
He hired me.
You have a poppy seed in your teeth.
Is that oh.
Are you sure you're not after our jobs? I swear.
I just want to help.
Okay.
I'll show you around.
Thank you.
Still got that poppy seed.
I might take his job.
[Soft music plays.]
[Whistling.]
Dana, I didn't even know you were here.
Hey, I heard work went really well.
Actually, I had a great day.
Thank you.
Well, that's great.
Do you want a drink? I'm just mixing up some appletinis, if you're interested.
I have not had one of those since college.
I think Amy mentioned that you guys used to drink these Back in the room.
Where's the apple? It's all tini.
- There's a whisper.
- [Chuckles.]
One of these, and I will be on my ass.
Oh, well, we wouldn't want that, would we? It does remind me of the time that Amy and I got drunk - Mm.
- Back in college and - Sorry to interrupt - Seriously? but there's a very remorseful man standing at the door holding a very large bouquet of flowers.
Who? Peter? I'm not interested.
Well, wouldn't the mature thing be to go out there and talk to him like an adult? - Yes.
- Well Don't wanna.
[Groans.]
Hey, Dana.
She is beautiful when she's not about to throw up.
Peter.
Ooh, flowers.
Let me just tear off my clothes and oh, lilies.
I was insensitive.
No, I have no excuse for my actions.
Is there any way we could just wipe the slate clean and start over? I did nothing wrong.
I had the worst day of my life, and I was a wreck, and I think you caught a lot of that.
Well, you want to grab dinner? Try it again? Sure.
But could we go to a different restaurant? Oh, yeah.
They're never letting us back in that place.
[Chuckles.]
- I'm gonna grab my jacket.
- Okay.
That seemed to go pretty well.
I'm glad you made me come back.
- Shh! - Hmm.
Made you? And for a second, I actually thought that you wanted to apologize.
- For the record, - I wasn't going to apologize because [Chuckles.]
I don't know what I'm apologizing for.
I have met a thousand of you.
Excuse me? Everything's a joke, and so if someone gets offended - Mm-hmm.
- Then they're uptight.
They have no sense of humor.
God forbid you take responsibility for anything you say to people.
I'm fully willing to take responsibility when I screw up.
Here's how I remember the date you had a bad day at work.
I read your bucket list, and then, all of a sudden, you're hiccuping and urping and God knows what and out the door.
Okay, see, I remember it differently.
I remember you pretending to look into my eyes while you checked out my cleavage.
Such a boss move.
And then making fun of me for daring to be curious about New York.
Just Take these.
Wait.
I'm taking the lilies.
Was that beautiful and fun? What are you doing? Snooping through your desk, looking for something interesting.
What's this? - Oh, it's a list - Unh-unh.
of that girl David set me up with made.
Oh, that makes sense.
[Chuckles.]
You're too cynical to write this.
[Scoffs.]
I don't think the problem is that I'm cynical.
No, that's it.
Got to maintain your hip, ironic distance.
Can't admit that you actually enjoy anything.
I enjoy plenty of things, okay? Have you read that list? It's a little lame, don't you think? Central Park, Statue of Liberty, visit where the Muppets took Manhattan.
That's not even real.
See, I read this list, I want to meet this woman.
"Be the first person at the public library when they open and read until a guard kicks you out.
" That's not horrible.
"Spend a night in the same room at the hotel Chelsea that Thomas Wolfe did.
" Damn it.
That's good.
So, what'd you do when she gave it to you? Make fun of it? [Chuckles.]
Come on.
It's not like I'm the kind of guy who makes everything a joke so if someone gets offended, it's their fault.
Am I? [Knock on door.]
I don't want a mimosa, David.
You should look outside, and I swear, I had nothing to do with this.
Good morning! Uh, take a pedicab.
It's number 72 on your list.
Thought we could go to the Statue of Liberty and knock off two in one day.
What do you say? I got you something.
"Dana Hopkins, official New Yorker.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Wait.
What am I doing? Well, we didn't have any "official New Yorker" statues, so that's a guy playing squash.
[Chuckles.]
I have been rewarded for my mediocrity.
Today, you are an American.
So, what do you say? Be strong.
Be strong.
Damn it, you know you're going.
[Man over P.
A.
.]
Your long journey is over.
You made it to the greatest city in the world, New York City.
Will you succeed? Will you fail? It's all up to you.
And welcoming you to the start of your adventure is lady liberty.
There's a light that's waiting in my heart waiting in my heart to burst wide open Yeah, you're right.
It is a little cheesy.
Am I crying? Is he crying? Great.
Just when I start to like him, turns out he's gay.
Actually, she seems kind of into it.
This is honestly the best move ever.
Amy: Why did you just change your relationship status to single? I had a good time with Peter.
I don't want him to think I'm in a relationship.
Are you crazy? You had a good date, and you change it to single.
That's like saying, "just to be clear, this isn't going anywhere.
" "In a relationship"? Are you insane? After one date? Seriously? Dana, I'm gonna take your computer away.
Yes.
AAA.
Oh, I think I already did her.
Don't remember her name.
Please, don't recognize me.
Ku-ku-ka-chu, Mrs.
Robinson.
Oh God, yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Probably I don't know.
Yes.
Dana: Hello, gorgeous.
I don't believe we've met, but now I have to have you.
God, I love New York.
Look at that thing.
Not so much.
I just want to snatch you up and take you home.
That's mugging.
You are thinking about mugging someone for a purse.
It's time to re-examine your priorities.
Hold on.
Must have that.
Most beautiful purse ever.
How great would I look aah! If Gandalf likes it, how great can it really be? Nope, don't care.
Must have that.
Not bad.
Peter: Yes.
Yes! No.
First day of work.
First day of work.
Love the outfit.
Dana: I don't want to brag, but I do look pretty Hold on.
What's this? Perfeito.
Damn it.
She's right.
So, you nervous? You got the butterflies? Moving halfway across the country, switching careers I'd be straight-up freaking out.
I'm not switching careers.
I am finally doing the only thing that I've ever wanted to do.
I'm starting my career today.
Oh, and before I forget, David's brother Peter the one he works with he's gonna call and ask you out.
Is that my horoscope? It's awfully specific.
It'll be fun.
We could do couple stuff, and you won't feel like the third wheel.
Been here less than a week.
I didn't realize it was getting awkward.
Not yet.
[Chuckles.]
You are gonna love him, okay? Here you go.
I baked you some muffins to share with everyone.
Now, remember, his name is Peter, and do not feed the pumpkin muffins to anyone with a nut allergy, or you will kill them.
Now fly, fly, little bird.
Fly away.
Did I say yes to the date? I can't remember.
She says so many words.
What's up? Uh, I need you to call one of Amy's friends and ask her out on a date.
No.
Aw, come on.
I already told her you were gonna do it.
Do you want to tell her I was lying? No, I think you should tell her.
[Laughs.]
Seriously, though.
Her name is Dana, and I'm supposed to say, "tell Peter she's not like the bimbos he normally dates, so don't screw it up.
" [Chuckles.]
I don't like her already.
She works in publishing.
She just moved here from Atlanta.
She was Amy's sorority sister.
Sorority girl? It's getting better.
Oh, bro, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Rumor has it they used to get drunk on appletinis and hook up.
Like "dance at a party and kiss while everyone's watching" hook up, or? Hook up back in the room, tie on the door, illegal in Texas, full sapphic debauchery.
I guess you could give me her number.
Amy refuses to confirm it.
She doesn't deny it, either.
It haunts me.
If I'm honest, it's half the reason I married her.
All right.
What you doing, bro? Working.
Are you? No, of course not.
Here, come look at this profile pic of this girl that Amy and David are setting me up with.
Which one is she? - The ugly one.
- How do you know? If you're pretty, you're not gonna risk having people think that you're the wrong one, but if you're not pretty, you're counting on it.
No one thinks like you.
No, everyone thinks like me.
I'm really not looking to date anyone right now.
Hmm.
Are you not looking to date, or do you know that women find that irresistible? And then when you dump them, you can say, "I told you I wasn't into dating," so it's their fault? I don't know who you're describing right now, but it isn't me.
Peter: Get out of my soul, witch.
- Morning, dad.
- Oh, hey, dad.
Hey, you kids on a break? Well, I guess it is already 9 02.
Check out the girl David set Peter up with.
The uggo? Pound it.
Dana: "Peter Cooper.
" Oh, come on.
How does that auto-correct to "pirate condom"? [Cellphone rings.]
Hello? Hey.
Why did you just type "Peter Cooper" into your status update? No, I didn't.
I was searching for his profile.
No, you put it in your status update, and now everyone you know now knows you're stalking him.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Dana.
Undo.
Where is the "undo"? Dana, just people are seeing this, and messages are coming in.
"Who is Peter Cooper?" "Do you have a new boyfriend?" Speakerphone.
Thing I just want to smash it.
Yes, if you smash your phone, the Internet disappears.
Just give me your password.
I'll do it.
"Muggles.
" [Laughter.]
Oh, I'm the only person who reads "Harry Potter.
" You're talented.
You're ready.
- This is going to be great.
- [Elevator bell dings.]
Barry, take care.
Don't lose hope, Barry.
Woman: Keep that chin up.
Everything will be fine.
[All speaking indistinctly.]
Hi.
I'm Dana.
Barry left his back pillow.
- Jackpot.
- You already have a good chair.
Woman: Check the drawer for change.
How many pads of paper do you need? - Ooh, gum.
- Hi.
I'm Dana Hopkins.
I'm the new junior editor.
- As in just hired? Wait.
- What department? - Who hired you? - Hired? Dana, I didn't hear you come in.
- Uh, everybody - You just hired her? Barry's elevator hasn't even made it to the lobby yet.
There have been some cutbacks at the higher levels, but we are optimistic things are picking up, which is why I am bringing in new employees to, uh, help all of you.
Dana, uh, you are going to be working for Brian and, uh, Sue here.
Excellent.
If anybody needs me, I will be, uh, in my - Bunker.
- Office! Who said that? You're next.
[Chuckles.]
A little joke.
[Chuckles.]
So, who do I report to? Oh.
- Keep walking.
- Hi.
Hi.
[Cellphone beeps.]
"Peter here.
Din 2 night.
" Romantic.
If I actually capitalize words and use punctuation, am I some kind of freak? "Hi, Peter.
Food good yes eat?" Screw it.
Just be simple and to the point.
"It sounds delightful.
When? Where? Dana.
" Perfect.
Send.
- Peter: Hello? - What? Oh.
Uh, hello? Is this Dana? It's Peter.
Yeah, I was just texting you.
I think you hit the wrong button.
Ooh, a smart one.
Anyways, um, yes.
Yes, what? I dinner would like.
Dinner sounds good.
So I'm gonna hang up now.
"Just made an ass of myself to the guy you set me up with.
" Send.
No! [Cellphone chimes.]
[Chuckles.]
Uh, I think the woman you set me up with is insane.
She's a good speller, though.
[Indistinct conversation.]
Okay, I'm heading home soon.
Either one of you ever going to tell me what to do? We're getting picked off one by one.
If anyone cheap can do our job, we're gone.
And you look cheap.
And we'll be burning these clothes.
I don't want your jobs.
I just want to learn how to do mine.
So, I will be back tomorrow, and I will loom over you all day again just looming.
- Please stop talking.
- All day.
I need the new Haas manuscript.
Just came in.
Should be in Craig Spellman's office just one floor up.
Plenty of time.
I am on it.
And, uh, take the stairs.
We're not supposed to use the elevator for one-floor trips.
You know, save the earth, blah, blah, blah.
Oh, no, you didn't! Hello? I really wish I'd peed before I came in here.
Is that a finger? Brian: Yo, taxi! You owe me a pair of shoes and a tetanus shot.
Did I make a mistake moving here? No.
So, my first day of work was a train wreck, but cheer up.
At least I've got a blind date I was forced into, and I'm sweating like I just did 10 hours of hot yoga.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Peter: Oh, poor girl.
Wow, that can't get much more embarrassing.
I spoke too soon.
Oh, wait a second.
Wait a second.
That's not her, is it? And it's totally her.
Of course it's her.
Woman: He's right over here.
Thanks for the setup, David.
Hey, you must be Dana.
- Hey.
- I'm sorry.
No, no, not at all.
I'm Peter.
It's really great to meet you.
Two sentences, and I already like you more than your brother.
[Chuckles.]
That long? I'm slipping.
David never really explained what you guys do something about trophies? Trophies, uh, plaques, um, vases.
Basically, if you can engrave your name on it, we make it.
How's the business? It's good.
Uh, it's actually never been better, you know? I mean, they used to only give trophies to winners.
Now they give them to anybody.
14th place? [Clicks tongue.]
You're a champion.
Team spirit, never missed a practice.
The celebration of mediocrity in this country is the biggest windfall our company's seen in four generations.
You should make yourself a trophy.
10th-best sales in region! [Chuckles.]
Totally going back to my place.
[Gasps.]
When's the last time I washed the sheets? He thinks we're going back to his place.
I hate that he's right.
So, how do you know Amy? Freshman year, uh, we were living on the same floor, and I was the I keep forgetting to water my ficus.
Man, I can't believe it didn't die yet.
And I guess ficuses don't need a whoa! Totally just saw some bra.
Well, don't look.
Just keep it right in your peripheral vision.
This is honestly the best move ever.
Does he really think I can't tell he's staring at my breasts? Back up.
Back up here.
Here we go.
Hey.
Yeah.
I-I was just Checking out my boobs.
- Busted.
- Yeah.
That was feisty.
"I am deaf.
"Any donation you can make for this handmade bracelet would be appreciated.
" Just leave it on the table.
No, I'm gonna give him something.
Mnh-mnh.
It's a scam.
He's not really deaf.
Oh, come on.
Of course he is.
He's not deaf.
Watch.
Watch.
Over here! Hey! - Let's go! - Don't make a fuss.
It's New York City, okay? The only way you're gonna get anyone's attention is if you make a fuss.
[Claps hands.]
Come on, buddy.
[Whistles.]
Looks like somebody's buying a bracelet.
My good man, I will pay you $20 right now to admit to us that you're just not deaf.
So, that offer expires in three, two You are as generous as you are wise.
There you go.
[Clicks tongue.]
Welcome to New York.
Okay, just because he's not deaf doesn't mean everybody's not deaf.
[Chuckles.]
That's the bleakest optimism that I have ever heard.
I'm not rooting for everybody to be deaf.
Just You're just rooting for him to be deaf.
Sure.
Yes.
Thank you.
Fair enough.
[Clatter.]
No.
No.
He saw me.
Can this day get any worse? Did I pick my teeth? Pick my nose? Did I smell myself out there? So, how are you liking the city so far? What have you seen? I've only been here a couple of days, so the only thing I've gotten off my list is, uh, go to the Met.
- Your list? - You will think it's dumb.
No, tell me.
Maybe I can think of something you missed.
Oh, it's a real you you wrote it down? - It's huge.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, man.
Number one statue of liberty.
Classic.
I mean, I guess you got to go, right? High Line Park? Wouldn't be on my top hundred, but I guess after you've literally done everything else in Manhattan, why not? - Let's see - Why did I mention the list? What a disaster with my stupid list and my smelly pits.
- Is she crying? - Am I crying? - Holy [Bleep.]
- Holy [Bleep.]
I'm sorry.
Um I was just trying to be funny.
[Voice breaking.]
It's not you.
I just had a really bad day at work.
And a little bit you.
Work there you go.
You haven't even told me what you did.
[Sobbing.]
I'm, uh I'm really sorry.
I didn't I didn't mean to This can't be happening.
I haven't cried in public since my mom told me that mittens died.
God, mittens! Happy thoughts.
Free wine, Pixar movies, first orgasm I didn't give myself.
Is this all because I brought up work? Could you please stop saying "work"? All right.
- [Hiccups.]
- What was that? When I cry I hiccup.
[Hiccups.]
I think I'm gonna go before I just throw up.
- Uh, do you I mean, well, I mean - Stay.
[Hiccuping.]
[Chuckles.]
New record! Hey, heard it went great last night.
[Scoffs.]
Oh, yeah.
Set me up again real soon.
You betcha.
Here's the thing uh, you sent Dana home not drunk already hard to see the benefit for me and sobbing.
I did nothing wrong.
I don't care what you did.
What I do care about is Amy was mad at you last night, and since you weren't around, she was mad at the only thing in the apartment with a penis, which is me.
Well - [Cellphone rings.]
- Oh, speak of the devil.
- Not a chance.
- You did this.
- She's your wife.
- Fine.
Hello, love of my life.
I'm standing right next to him.
I'm gonna pass it to him right now.
Love you.
Bye.
I thought it was going great.
I have no idea what happened.
Peter, Dana's part of my life.
You're part of my life, and if different parts of my life aren't in harmony, it makes things harder for me.
Now, do I like my life complicated and messy or beautiful and fun? - Beautiful and fun.
- Beautiful and fun.
Yes.
Beautiful and fun.
Now, to be honest, you probably should have said no to the date in the first place, but you didn't - I did say no.
- and here we are, so you'll fix it? Feel like all I can say is "yes.
" Wonderful.
And into feathered peacock.
I hate you both.
I hate you both.
I hate you both.
And smile.
Good morning.
I have a few things to say.
After you sent me down the stairwell Fist bump the handshake of douche bags.
I went back up and grabbed the manuscript and copy edited the whole thing last night.
Here.
I left everything behind to move to New York to chase my dreams.
And you two are Hey! Over here! Let's go! Maybe we should take Eric at his word.
He hired me.
You have a poppy seed in your teeth.
Is that oh.
Are you sure you're not after our jobs? I swear.
I just want to help.
Okay.
I'll show you around.
Thank you.
Still got that poppy seed.
I might take his job.
[Soft music plays.]
[Whistling.]
Dana, I didn't even know you were here.
Hey, I heard work went really well.
Actually, I had a great day.
Thank you.
Well, that's great.
Do you want a drink? I'm just mixing up some appletinis, if you're interested.
I have not had one of those since college.
I think Amy mentioned that you guys used to drink these Back in the room.
Where's the apple? It's all tini.
- There's a whisper.
- [Chuckles.]
One of these, and I will be on my ass.
Oh, well, we wouldn't want that, would we? It does remind me of the time that Amy and I got drunk - Mm.
- Back in college and - Sorry to interrupt - Seriously? but there's a very remorseful man standing at the door holding a very large bouquet of flowers.
Who? Peter? I'm not interested.
Well, wouldn't the mature thing be to go out there and talk to him like an adult? - Yes.
- Well Don't wanna.
[Groans.]
Hey, Dana.
She is beautiful when she's not about to throw up.
Peter.
Ooh, flowers.
Let me just tear off my clothes and oh, lilies.
I was insensitive.
No, I have no excuse for my actions.
Is there any way we could just wipe the slate clean and start over? I did nothing wrong.
I had the worst day of my life, and I was a wreck, and I think you caught a lot of that.
Well, you want to grab dinner? Try it again? Sure.
But could we go to a different restaurant? Oh, yeah.
They're never letting us back in that place.
[Chuckles.]
- I'm gonna grab my jacket.
- Okay.
That seemed to go pretty well.
I'm glad you made me come back.
- Shh! - Hmm.
Made you? And for a second, I actually thought that you wanted to apologize.
- For the record, - I wasn't going to apologize because [Chuckles.]
I don't know what I'm apologizing for.
I have met a thousand of you.
Excuse me? Everything's a joke, and so if someone gets offended - Mm-hmm.
- Then they're uptight.
They have no sense of humor.
God forbid you take responsibility for anything you say to people.
I'm fully willing to take responsibility when I screw up.
Here's how I remember the date you had a bad day at work.
I read your bucket list, and then, all of a sudden, you're hiccuping and urping and God knows what and out the door.
Okay, see, I remember it differently.
I remember you pretending to look into my eyes while you checked out my cleavage.
Such a boss move.
And then making fun of me for daring to be curious about New York.
Just Take these.
Wait.
I'm taking the lilies.
Was that beautiful and fun? What are you doing? Snooping through your desk, looking for something interesting.
What's this? - Oh, it's a list - Unh-unh.
of that girl David set me up with made.
Oh, that makes sense.
[Chuckles.]
You're too cynical to write this.
[Scoffs.]
I don't think the problem is that I'm cynical.
No, that's it.
Got to maintain your hip, ironic distance.
Can't admit that you actually enjoy anything.
I enjoy plenty of things, okay? Have you read that list? It's a little lame, don't you think? Central Park, Statue of Liberty, visit where the Muppets took Manhattan.
That's not even real.
See, I read this list, I want to meet this woman.
"Be the first person at the public library when they open and read until a guard kicks you out.
" That's not horrible.
"Spend a night in the same room at the hotel Chelsea that Thomas Wolfe did.
" Damn it.
That's good.
So, what'd you do when she gave it to you? Make fun of it? [Chuckles.]
Come on.
It's not like I'm the kind of guy who makes everything a joke so if someone gets offended, it's their fault.
Am I? [Knock on door.]
I don't want a mimosa, David.
You should look outside, and I swear, I had nothing to do with this.
Good morning! Uh, take a pedicab.
It's number 72 on your list.
Thought we could go to the Statue of Liberty and knock off two in one day.
What do you say? I got you something.
"Dana Hopkins, official New Yorker.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Wait.
What am I doing? Well, we didn't have any "official New Yorker" statues, so that's a guy playing squash.
[Chuckles.]
I have been rewarded for my mediocrity.
Today, you are an American.
So, what do you say? Be strong.
Be strong.
Damn it, you know you're going.
[Man over P.
A.
.]
Your long journey is over.
You made it to the greatest city in the world, New York City.
Will you succeed? Will you fail? It's all up to you.
And welcoming you to the start of your adventure is lady liberty.
There's a light that's waiting in my heart waiting in my heart to burst wide open Yeah, you're right.
It is a little cheesy.
Am I crying? Is he crying? Great.
Just when I start to like him, turns out he's gay.
Actually, she seems kind of into it.
This is honestly the best move ever.
Amy: Why did you just change your relationship status to single? I had a good time with Peter.
I don't want him to think I'm in a relationship.
Are you crazy? You had a good date, and you change it to single.
That's like saying, "just to be clear, this isn't going anywhere.
" "In a relationship"? Are you insane? After one date? Seriously? Dana, I'm gonna take your computer away.