Marlon (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Wassup, people! Welcome, to the Marlon Way.
I'm Marlon.
Good news! We just hit 6 million subscribers! Woo! [blows party horn.]
I woke up this morning at 5:15 a.
m.
, and I thought to myself, why am I up so early? But more importantly, why am I the only one up this early? So I decided to drive over to my ex-wife Ashley's house to invite her and the kids to join me.
- Ashley! - [screams.]
- [laughs.]
- Marlon, get - [rings cow bell.]
Marley! - [screams.]
[groans.]
- [laughs.]
Why are you my dad? [suspenseful music.]
- Surprise! - [screams.]
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon Marley! Zack! What the Hey, Mom! Check out the fort.
- You like it? - It's, uh, it's amazing.
It was Dad's idea.
Pretty cool, huh? It's super cool, and you used my expensive sheets.
You want to see inside, Mom? I would love to, thank you.
Both: Hold up.
What's the password? Here's the hint: What do Dad and I love more than anything in the world? Farts.
- Oh, she's good! - She know us well! [both laugh.]
That's a good guess, but that's not it.
What's the one thing in the world that the kids and I - cannot live without? - Wait, Marley's in there? I'm in the library.
Can you please keep it down? Come on, Ash, guess the password.
- I don't know the password.
- Come on.
And I have to put these groceries down.
[groans.]
All right.
Hey, you fortify the ceiling in the rumpus room.
And don't use the toilet yet, okay? - Marlon? - Hey.
Why is it that the really big, disruptive projects always happen at my house? Well, for one thing, I only got one set of sheets.
[chuckles.]
You don't want to use those.
- Here, hold this.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, I want you to smile.
Act like you like it.
1, 2, 3, say, "cheese.
" - Cheese! - Okay.
Okay, so what did we just sell? We just sold Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila.
- Alcohol free booze? - Yeah.
- What's the point? - Yeah, I know, right? I like making bad decisions.
All I know is they are paying me to heighten the awareness to the brand.
So, are you going to stay for dinner? Hmm, let me see - stay and have a nice home cooked meal with you and the kids or go home and listen to Stevie tell me the scientific reasons why the "Walking Dead" could never happen? Yeah, I think I'll stay here.
All right.
Um, did you talk to Marley about our meeting with Ms.
Frye? No, you said never to parent when you're not in the room.
- Marlon? - Huh? Where's the coffeemaker? It's in the fort.
We're opening a Starbucks behind the recliner.
Hey, make your mama a nonfat mocha latte with frappuccino! Extra stevia, please, and almond milk! Ash, this fort is gonna be lit.
There's gonna be a VIP section, we're gonna have a DJ, we're gonna get a bouncer to keep out all the gold-digging psychos that can't get a Laker.
Hmm, looks like we're gon' need that bouncer a lot quicker than I thought.
- Marlon.
- Yvette.
I thought you divorced him.
He's here more now than when you were married.
Oh, this should be good marriage advice from a girl whose longest relationship was All-Star weekend.
See [scoffs.]
- that was the old Yvette.
- Hmm.
I have a long-term boyfriend now, and his name is God.
I hope he got some penicillin.
Um, excuse me, I'm celibate.
Yeah, well, you sell-a-bit of that to somebody else.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on now.
Yvette, did you, uh, bring the shoes? Girl, you know I brought the shoes.
Hold on, no, no.
W-w-what's with the shoes? Oh, Ashley's got plans tomorrow night.
Mm-hmm.
No.
[mocking laugh.]
Ashley, I made family plans tomorrow night.
I got me, you, and the kids tickets to see the new horror movie "Slaughter Camp.
" Oh, well, Marlon, I wish you would've told me sooner.
- I have plans tomorrow night.
- Well, cancel them.
She can't cancel them.
- She's right, Marlon.
- Come on.
What plans y'all got? What y'all going to do? Stand outside of a club watching all the 21-year-olds get in while y'all sit there, ashy, eating street meet? Is that more important than spending quality time - with your family? - Dad! I used the fort toilet! Son, come on! That's your mama's Crock-Pot! - Come on.
- See? That proves that you need a night out.
Yeah, but he made family plans to see "Slaughter Camp.
" It ain't always about Marlon.
Girl, you're the one who ended this marriage.
Why are you acting like you're still married? Well, you know, maybe if you ever get married and have children one day, you'd understand.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! So now you throwing shade? [laughs.]
God ain't ready for that just yet.
What's up, people? You know what goes great with spaghetti? Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila.
And the babies love it too.
Ain't that right, son? Thanks for the margarita, Dad.
Ahh! Marlon, you cannot post a video of a child drinking a margarita.
You can if it's alcohol-free.
Drink up, son.
- Choke, choke, choke, choke! - Okay! - Turn up! Turn up! Turn up! - Okay, stop, stop! Okay, I think it's time we put our phones away.
- [groans.]
- Marley Daddy and I need to talk to you.
Ooh, Marley's in trouble! This is new! [chuckles.]
No one is in trouble, Zack.
Okay? Marley, we sat with your counselor today.
She said that you seem a bit withdrawn, and we just want to make sure that you're okay.
Okay.
There are these girls at school Tiffany and Claire.
They tweeted that I was a nerd just because I told Ms.
Perkins I had a passion for young adult literature.
That is very nerdy behavior.
Wait.
Hold up.
You're being bullied? But you go to an all-white private school.
What does that mean, Marlon? She's black.
If this was "Charlie Brown," she's Franklin.
Black girls can't get bullied by little white girls.
Listen, white people are genetically predisposed to fear black people.
- Marley - Google it! Okay, Marley, just talk to the girls.
You tell them bullying is wrong.
What in "The Brady Bunch" are you talking about? No, Marley, listen to Daddy.
Okay, if them girls step to you, you just got to act a little ghetto.
You know what I'm saying? They come at you, you gotta be like, "Oh, hell no! "Oh, hell no! "I know you ain't! I know you ain't! This what I wanted you to do! This what I wanted you to do!" Then you gotta pull out your Vaseline, start putting Vaseline on your face, start braiding your hair just like you mean business.
Then after that, I want you to go, "No, it's all peace.
It's all peace.
It's good.
We good.
" Then I just want you to walk away, and then you go, "I lied, bitches! You gon' get it! "You don't know me! I don't know me! My mama don't know me, and I came out of her!" Then I want you to get clapping on them, "No, I told you, you better leave me alone! I am not the one!" You do that, I guarantee you they gon' take off running, and they never gon' mess with you again, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- Muah.
Marley please ignore Daddy's advice.
Baby girl, trust me.
If you "black up," they gon' back up.
Now let us pray.
Marlon, your cable's broken.
The only channel you're getting is the Oprah Winfrey Network.
If I have to watch another Tyler Perry movie, I may become a racist.
Stevie, you asked to crash on my couch for two weeks.
Brother, it's been two years! Oh, is that all you remember about our past? Do you not recall that it was me, Stevie, who told you to post your first video to YouTube? Okay, okay, you might've been instrumental in the launching of my career.
Instrumental? Instrumental? I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch.
"Bitch"? I was using your misogynistic vernacular to drive home my point.
Well, let me drive home my point.
Get a job, bitch.
Marlon, if I may, you're being a bit more aggressive than usual.
Is there anything you want to share with me? All right.
For the first time ever, Ashley's bailing on family plans.
She would have loved "Slaughter Camp.
" I mean, the fun of watching a horror movie is watching her scream at the top of her lungs, "Aah! Don't go in there!" I love that.
That's frustrating.
You know what might make you feel better? You moving your broke ass off my couch? [laughs.]
No, that's not what you want.
You want to take me to "Slaughter Camp" instead.
I'll scream louder than Ashley.
Okay, deal, but you gotta change your shirt first.
What's wrong with this shirt? It's mine.
Guess I have to change my underwear too.
Marlon, this is the fifth message that I have left for you! It's almost 7:00! And I know any minute you're gonna walk in here - and you're gonna say - I'm sorry I'm late, but I have a really good excuse.
Really? What is it? Actually, I thought you'd say, "I don't want to hear no excuses.
" So I didn't come up with any.
That's what I thought.
Okay, kids, time to go.
- Hi, Stevie, bye, Stevie.
- Kids! Hey! - Have fun at "Slaughter Camp.
" - Muah! Hey, you guys ready to see Uncle Stevie scream like a girl? All: Yeah! Ha ha! Hey, hey, hey, where you going? So Ashley is cool with you building forts in the middle of her house? Dude, Ashley is cool with everything.
If she's so cool, why don't you guys get back together? No, we're better off separated.
- Look, my life is perfect.
- [doorbell rings.]
I get to do my things with the ladies.
I get to hang with Ashley and the kids.
I get to have my cake and eat it too.
I wouldn't change a damn thing.
Hi.
I'm here to pick up Ashley.
Aw, hell no! Hell no! Hell no! Hell to the no! - Are you done? - Hell no.
I don't have time for this.
Wow.
You know what? It's them shoes.
I should've known something was up when I seen them shoes.
See, those are ho shoes.
- They're Yvette's.
- Exactly.
You know, I can't believe you lied to me.
Liar.
You really want to talk about lying in this relationship? Oh, damn, woman.
Why you got to live in the past? Move on.
And you could've told me you was going on a date.
You know what? This is not easy for me, okay? I haven't been on a date since 1998.
Who the hell did you go on a date with in 1998? You, idiot! You were the last person I was on a date with.
Was that the Dru Hill concert without Sisqo? Can we please be adults about this? Adult? Wait, I'm being an adult, okay? This-this is not about me.
This is about our children, okay? This is about you wanting to go out with Sexy Simon instead of spending quality family time with your kids.
You know, this the type of stuff that makes them grow up to be strippers, and I'm not talking about the good strippers, you know, the flexible ones that know how to clap they booty.
I'm talking about them little lazy ones that just stand by the pole smacking they gum like, "Hey, hey.
" Do you want that for our son? Seriously, Ash, seeing their mother with another man? That could be traumatic for them.
That could lead to serious depression.
[laughter.]
They really wanted to show me the fort.
He doesn't even know the password.
This is a really beautiful restaurant, Devon.
- For a beautiful woman.
- Thank you.
So your ex-husband, were you two together - for a long time? - We met in college.
Well, I was in college, and he was pretending to go to college to meet girls.
But you know what? I really don't want to talk about my ex.
Well, I'm afraid we might have to.
- Why is that? - Because he's here.
What the what? That's crazy! You know, I was out getting some frozen yogurt for the kids, and I looked in the window, I said, "Hey! That looks like Ashley and David!" - It's Devon.
- Is it? Marlon, why aren't you at the movies? You know, I really wasn't digging "Slaughter Camp.
" I couldn't feel sorry for those dumbass teenagers partying in the woods.
You know, at a point, I just started rooting for the killer.
Well, it was nice to see you.
[both chuckle softly.]
Oh! [laughter.]
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'ma jet.
You guys get back to your little date.
- Hey, good seeing you, Dennis.
- Devon.
Mm-hmm.
- I'm so sorry.
- Already forgotten about him.
So Yvette tells me you're a great designer.
- I would love to hear more - Real quick.
While I'm here, I should tell you about the trash cans.
I got a letter from the city.
They're gonna start picking up the trash cans on Thursdays instead of Tuesdays, so Well, you know what? I'm sure that we can talk about this later.
Oh, yeah, and I hear you, but you know, you just don't want to leave garbage cans out, you know? God forbid one of our kids get mauled by a bear.
I saw "The Revenant", and if a bear gon' do that to Leonardo DiCaprio, imagine what it's going to do to our son's little black ass.
But your date's more important than the potential death of our son.
- Give us a second, Jeff.
- It's Devon.
Marlon, why are you here? Because I did some research on the Internet, and I dug up some dirt on your boy Devon over there.
- What did you find out, Marlon? - Well, I'm glad you asked.
In spite of his pretty face, and those almond-shaped eyes, his Equifax history shows a delinquent payment to the gas company in June of 2003.
What? It starts with one late payment, then it's a slippery slope from there.
Is there a problem? No, there ain't no problem, brother.
Unless you the gas company, and people try to take advantage of you.
Pardon me, sir, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
You're not dining with us this evening, and you're clearly disrupting our guests.
Oh, really? Is that the reason, or is it because I'm black? No! God, no! He's black, and we're not asking him to leave.
Oh, wait oh! You gon' call your boy you gon' call your boys on me? Ohh! Y'all gon' make me act ghetto! This is what I wanted you to do! Ohh! So you better ask yourself real fast, do you really want to do this? I'ma talk to your nipples.
Do you really want to do this? Oh, oh, I can't wait! See, that's why I carry my Vaseline around.
Oh, man, I ran out.
Hey, brother, you mind if I use some of that? Thank you very much.
That's it! Y'all about to get it! I'ma drag my nails on the ground! I'ma sharpen my nails on the ground! I get in that 45-degree angle, be like, "Oh, how I hit him from there?" 'cause you can't.
And I'll do slip and slap, slip and slap! Oh, we gon' get violent? What you gon' do? What you gonna do? Oh, that's what you're gonna do.
Okay, bye, guys.
[belches.]
Marlon? Yeah? Can I come in? What's the password? Can we please not do this right now? What's the one thing in the world the kids and I cannot live without? I am not in the mood for this.
What is the one thing in this world the kids and I cannot live without? Me? You may enter.
What happened tonight, Marlon? I don't know.
I panicked, I guess.
Over one date? You've been on hundreds of dates since we separated.
You don't see me panicking.
That's 'cause you know no matter how many women I date, I'm never gonna find anybody as good as you.
When I saw that dude with you and the kids, I just got scared.
I got scared he was gonna take my place.
And I know this is a strange thing to say to your ex-wife I'm just afraid to lose you.
You're never gonna lose me.
Hey, we're a family.
My babies, they have your eyes.
Devon can't touch that.
I wish they had his eyes.
They're magnificent.
[cell phone chimes.]
[chuckles.]
I heightened the awareness of the brand.
You gon' get your boys on me? I'm Tarzan, bitch! [imitates Tarzan yell.]
You don't want none of this Spider-Man! Webs swinging in your face! [imitates web-shooter.]
Mind your business! I go incognito! If this gentleman had drunk Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila, none of this would have happened.
Is that what you're gonna do? Okay.
[both laugh.]
What if we lied to him and said we were meeting - a half-hour earlier? - Doesn't work, trust me.
Sorry I'm late.
I was gonna be here on time, but then I realized at the last minute, I'm incapable of that.
Hey, baby girl.
Muah! Mr.
and Mrs.
Wayne, your daughter Marley said some things in the cafeteria this afternoon that were racially charged and politically incorrect.
Hmm.
What did what did she say? She paraded around the cafeteria, clapping her hands, and threatening Tiffany and Claire, saying, and I quote, "Aw, hell no.
Y'all gonna make me go ghetto.
"You don't know me.
My mama don't know me.
Hell no.
Hell no.
" And there were a lot more "hell nos.
"
I'm Marlon.
Good news! We just hit 6 million subscribers! Woo! [blows party horn.]
I woke up this morning at 5:15 a.
m.
, and I thought to myself, why am I up so early? But more importantly, why am I the only one up this early? So I decided to drive over to my ex-wife Ashley's house to invite her and the kids to join me.
- Ashley! - [screams.]
- [laughs.]
- Marlon, get - [rings cow bell.]
Marley! - [screams.]
[groans.]
- [laughs.]
Why are you my dad? [suspenseful music.]
- Surprise! - [screams.]
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon Marley! Zack! What the Hey, Mom! Check out the fort.
- You like it? - It's, uh, it's amazing.
It was Dad's idea.
Pretty cool, huh? It's super cool, and you used my expensive sheets.
You want to see inside, Mom? I would love to, thank you.
Both: Hold up.
What's the password? Here's the hint: What do Dad and I love more than anything in the world? Farts.
- Oh, she's good! - She know us well! [both laugh.]
That's a good guess, but that's not it.
What's the one thing in the world that the kids and I - cannot live without? - Wait, Marley's in there? I'm in the library.
Can you please keep it down? Come on, Ash, guess the password.
- I don't know the password.
- Come on.
And I have to put these groceries down.
[groans.]
All right.
Hey, you fortify the ceiling in the rumpus room.
And don't use the toilet yet, okay? - Marlon? - Hey.
Why is it that the really big, disruptive projects always happen at my house? Well, for one thing, I only got one set of sheets.
[chuckles.]
You don't want to use those.
- Here, hold this.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, I want you to smile.
Act like you like it.
1, 2, 3, say, "cheese.
" - Cheese! - Okay.
Okay, so what did we just sell? We just sold Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila.
- Alcohol free booze? - Yeah.
- What's the point? - Yeah, I know, right? I like making bad decisions.
All I know is they are paying me to heighten the awareness to the brand.
So, are you going to stay for dinner? Hmm, let me see - stay and have a nice home cooked meal with you and the kids or go home and listen to Stevie tell me the scientific reasons why the "Walking Dead" could never happen? Yeah, I think I'll stay here.
All right.
Um, did you talk to Marley about our meeting with Ms.
Frye? No, you said never to parent when you're not in the room.
- Marlon? - Huh? Where's the coffeemaker? It's in the fort.
We're opening a Starbucks behind the recliner.
Hey, make your mama a nonfat mocha latte with frappuccino! Extra stevia, please, and almond milk! Ash, this fort is gonna be lit.
There's gonna be a VIP section, we're gonna have a DJ, we're gonna get a bouncer to keep out all the gold-digging psychos that can't get a Laker.
Hmm, looks like we're gon' need that bouncer a lot quicker than I thought.
- Marlon.
- Yvette.
I thought you divorced him.
He's here more now than when you were married.
Oh, this should be good marriage advice from a girl whose longest relationship was All-Star weekend.
See [scoffs.]
- that was the old Yvette.
- Hmm.
I have a long-term boyfriend now, and his name is God.
I hope he got some penicillin.
Um, excuse me, I'm celibate.
Yeah, well, you sell-a-bit of that to somebody else.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on now.
Yvette, did you, uh, bring the shoes? Girl, you know I brought the shoes.
Hold on, no, no.
W-w-what's with the shoes? Oh, Ashley's got plans tomorrow night.
Mm-hmm.
No.
[mocking laugh.]
Ashley, I made family plans tomorrow night.
I got me, you, and the kids tickets to see the new horror movie "Slaughter Camp.
" Oh, well, Marlon, I wish you would've told me sooner.
- I have plans tomorrow night.
- Well, cancel them.
She can't cancel them.
- She's right, Marlon.
- Come on.
What plans y'all got? What y'all going to do? Stand outside of a club watching all the 21-year-olds get in while y'all sit there, ashy, eating street meet? Is that more important than spending quality time - with your family? - Dad! I used the fort toilet! Son, come on! That's your mama's Crock-Pot! - Come on.
- See? That proves that you need a night out.
Yeah, but he made family plans to see "Slaughter Camp.
" It ain't always about Marlon.
Girl, you're the one who ended this marriage.
Why are you acting like you're still married? Well, you know, maybe if you ever get married and have children one day, you'd understand.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! So now you throwing shade? [laughs.]
God ain't ready for that just yet.
What's up, people? You know what goes great with spaghetti? Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila.
And the babies love it too.
Ain't that right, son? Thanks for the margarita, Dad.
Ahh! Marlon, you cannot post a video of a child drinking a margarita.
You can if it's alcohol-free.
Drink up, son.
- Choke, choke, choke, choke! - Okay! - Turn up! Turn up! Turn up! - Okay, stop, stop! Okay, I think it's time we put our phones away.
- [groans.]
- Marley Daddy and I need to talk to you.
Ooh, Marley's in trouble! This is new! [chuckles.]
No one is in trouble, Zack.
Okay? Marley, we sat with your counselor today.
She said that you seem a bit withdrawn, and we just want to make sure that you're okay.
Okay.
There are these girls at school Tiffany and Claire.
They tweeted that I was a nerd just because I told Ms.
Perkins I had a passion for young adult literature.
That is very nerdy behavior.
Wait.
Hold up.
You're being bullied? But you go to an all-white private school.
What does that mean, Marlon? She's black.
If this was "Charlie Brown," she's Franklin.
Black girls can't get bullied by little white girls.
Listen, white people are genetically predisposed to fear black people.
- Marley - Google it! Okay, Marley, just talk to the girls.
You tell them bullying is wrong.
What in "The Brady Bunch" are you talking about? No, Marley, listen to Daddy.
Okay, if them girls step to you, you just got to act a little ghetto.
You know what I'm saying? They come at you, you gotta be like, "Oh, hell no! "Oh, hell no! "I know you ain't! I know you ain't! This what I wanted you to do! This what I wanted you to do!" Then you gotta pull out your Vaseline, start putting Vaseline on your face, start braiding your hair just like you mean business.
Then after that, I want you to go, "No, it's all peace.
It's all peace.
It's good.
We good.
" Then I just want you to walk away, and then you go, "I lied, bitches! You gon' get it! "You don't know me! I don't know me! My mama don't know me, and I came out of her!" Then I want you to get clapping on them, "No, I told you, you better leave me alone! I am not the one!" You do that, I guarantee you they gon' take off running, and they never gon' mess with you again, okay? - Mm-hmm.
- Muah.
Marley please ignore Daddy's advice.
Baby girl, trust me.
If you "black up," they gon' back up.
Now let us pray.
Marlon, your cable's broken.
The only channel you're getting is the Oprah Winfrey Network.
If I have to watch another Tyler Perry movie, I may become a racist.
Stevie, you asked to crash on my couch for two weeks.
Brother, it's been two years! Oh, is that all you remember about our past? Do you not recall that it was me, Stevie, who told you to post your first video to YouTube? Okay, okay, you might've been instrumental in the launching of my career.
Instrumental? Instrumental? I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch.
"Bitch"? I was using your misogynistic vernacular to drive home my point.
Well, let me drive home my point.
Get a job, bitch.
Marlon, if I may, you're being a bit more aggressive than usual.
Is there anything you want to share with me? All right.
For the first time ever, Ashley's bailing on family plans.
She would have loved "Slaughter Camp.
" I mean, the fun of watching a horror movie is watching her scream at the top of her lungs, "Aah! Don't go in there!" I love that.
That's frustrating.
You know what might make you feel better? You moving your broke ass off my couch? [laughs.]
No, that's not what you want.
You want to take me to "Slaughter Camp" instead.
I'll scream louder than Ashley.
Okay, deal, but you gotta change your shirt first.
What's wrong with this shirt? It's mine.
Guess I have to change my underwear too.
Marlon, this is the fifth message that I have left for you! It's almost 7:00! And I know any minute you're gonna walk in here - and you're gonna say - I'm sorry I'm late, but I have a really good excuse.
Really? What is it? Actually, I thought you'd say, "I don't want to hear no excuses.
" So I didn't come up with any.
That's what I thought.
Okay, kids, time to go.
- Hi, Stevie, bye, Stevie.
- Kids! Hey! - Have fun at "Slaughter Camp.
" - Muah! Hey, you guys ready to see Uncle Stevie scream like a girl? All: Yeah! Ha ha! Hey, hey, hey, where you going? So Ashley is cool with you building forts in the middle of her house? Dude, Ashley is cool with everything.
If she's so cool, why don't you guys get back together? No, we're better off separated.
- Look, my life is perfect.
- [doorbell rings.]
I get to do my things with the ladies.
I get to hang with Ashley and the kids.
I get to have my cake and eat it too.
I wouldn't change a damn thing.
Hi.
I'm here to pick up Ashley.
Aw, hell no! Hell no! Hell no! Hell to the no! - Are you done? - Hell no.
I don't have time for this.
Wow.
You know what? It's them shoes.
I should've known something was up when I seen them shoes.
See, those are ho shoes.
- They're Yvette's.
- Exactly.
You know, I can't believe you lied to me.
Liar.
You really want to talk about lying in this relationship? Oh, damn, woman.
Why you got to live in the past? Move on.
And you could've told me you was going on a date.
You know what? This is not easy for me, okay? I haven't been on a date since 1998.
Who the hell did you go on a date with in 1998? You, idiot! You were the last person I was on a date with.
Was that the Dru Hill concert without Sisqo? Can we please be adults about this? Adult? Wait, I'm being an adult, okay? This-this is not about me.
This is about our children, okay? This is about you wanting to go out with Sexy Simon instead of spending quality family time with your kids.
You know, this the type of stuff that makes them grow up to be strippers, and I'm not talking about the good strippers, you know, the flexible ones that know how to clap they booty.
I'm talking about them little lazy ones that just stand by the pole smacking they gum like, "Hey, hey.
" Do you want that for our son? Seriously, Ash, seeing their mother with another man? That could be traumatic for them.
That could lead to serious depression.
[laughter.]
They really wanted to show me the fort.
He doesn't even know the password.
This is a really beautiful restaurant, Devon.
- For a beautiful woman.
- Thank you.
So your ex-husband, were you two together - for a long time? - We met in college.
Well, I was in college, and he was pretending to go to college to meet girls.
But you know what? I really don't want to talk about my ex.
Well, I'm afraid we might have to.
- Why is that? - Because he's here.
What the what? That's crazy! You know, I was out getting some frozen yogurt for the kids, and I looked in the window, I said, "Hey! That looks like Ashley and David!" - It's Devon.
- Is it? Marlon, why aren't you at the movies? You know, I really wasn't digging "Slaughter Camp.
" I couldn't feel sorry for those dumbass teenagers partying in the woods.
You know, at a point, I just started rooting for the killer.
Well, it was nice to see you.
[both chuckle softly.]
Oh! [laughter.]
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'ma jet.
You guys get back to your little date.
- Hey, good seeing you, Dennis.
- Devon.
Mm-hmm.
- I'm so sorry.
- Already forgotten about him.
So Yvette tells me you're a great designer.
- I would love to hear more - Real quick.
While I'm here, I should tell you about the trash cans.
I got a letter from the city.
They're gonna start picking up the trash cans on Thursdays instead of Tuesdays, so Well, you know what? I'm sure that we can talk about this later.
Oh, yeah, and I hear you, but you know, you just don't want to leave garbage cans out, you know? God forbid one of our kids get mauled by a bear.
I saw "The Revenant", and if a bear gon' do that to Leonardo DiCaprio, imagine what it's going to do to our son's little black ass.
But your date's more important than the potential death of our son.
- Give us a second, Jeff.
- It's Devon.
Marlon, why are you here? Because I did some research on the Internet, and I dug up some dirt on your boy Devon over there.
- What did you find out, Marlon? - Well, I'm glad you asked.
In spite of his pretty face, and those almond-shaped eyes, his Equifax history shows a delinquent payment to the gas company in June of 2003.
What? It starts with one late payment, then it's a slippery slope from there.
Is there a problem? No, there ain't no problem, brother.
Unless you the gas company, and people try to take advantage of you.
Pardon me, sir, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
You're not dining with us this evening, and you're clearly disrupting our guests.
Oh, really? Is that the reason, or is it because I'm black? No! God, no! He's black, and we're not asking him to leave.
Oh, wait oh! You gon' call your boy you gon' call your boys on me? Ohh! Y'all gon' make me act ghetto! This is what I wanted you to do! Ohh! So you better ask yourself real fast, do you really want to do this? I'ma talk to your nipples.
Do you really want to do this? Oh, oh, I can't wait! See, that's why I carry my Vaseline around.
Oh, man, I ran out.
Hey, brother, you mind if I use some of that? Thank you very much.
That's it! Y'all about to get it! I'ma drag my nails on the ground! I'ma sharpen my nails on the ground! I get in that 45-degree angle, be like, "Oh, how I hit him from there?" 'cause you can't.
And I'll do slip and slap, slip and slap! Oh, we gon' get violent? What you gon' do? What you gonna do? Oh, that's what you're gonna do.
Okay, bye, guys.
[belches.]
Marlon? Yeah? Can I come in? What's the password? Can we please not do this right now? What's the one thing in the world the kids and I cannot live without? I am not in the mood for this.
What is the one thing in this world the kids and I cannot live without? Me? You may enter.
What happened tonight, Marlon? I don't know.
I panicked, I guess.
Over one date? You've been on hundreds of dates since we separated.
You don't see me panicking.
That's 'cause you know no matter how many women I date, I'm never gonna find anybody as good as you.
When I saw that dude with you and the kids, I just got scared.
I got scared he was gonna take my place.
And I know this is a strange thing to say to your ex-wife I'm just afraid to lose you.
You're never gonna lose me.
Hey, we're a family.
My babies, they have your eyes.
Devon can't touch that.
I wish they had his eyes.
They're magnificent.
[cell phone chimes.]
[chuckles.]
I heightened the awareness of the brand.
You gon' get your boys on me? I'm Tarzan, bitch! [imitates Tarzan yell.]
You don't want none of this Spider-Man! Webs swinging in your face! [imitates web-shooter.]
Mind your business! I go incognito! If this gentleman had drunk Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila, none of this would have happened.
Is that what you're gonna do? Okay.
[both laugh.]
What if we lied to him and said we were meeting - a half-hour earlier? - Doesn't work, trust me.
Sorry I'm late.
I was gonna be here on time, but then I realized at the last minute, I'm incapable of that.
Hey, baby girl.
Muah! Mr.
and Mrs.
Wayne, your daughter Marley said some things in the cafeteria this afternoon that were racially charged and politically incorrect.
Hmm.
What did what did she say? She paraded around the cafeteria, clapping her hands, and threatening Tiffany and Claire, saying, and I quote, "Aw, hell no.
Y'all gonna make me go ghetto.
"You don't know me.
My mama don't know me.
Hell no.
Hell no.
" And there were a lot more "hell nos.
"