Maron (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Things are going pretty well for me right now but that's a problem because when things are going well that means there's a voice in my head saying you're going to screw it up.
You're going to screw it up Mark just over and over again.
And I just wish that voice were louder than the voice screaming: Let's screw it up! A few years ago I was planning on killing myself in my garage and now I'm doing the best thing I've ever done in my life in that same garage.
It's a podcast.
You know what a podcast is? I've been on Conan O'Brien like forty-seven times and he don't know who I am, right? Is it important that people know who you are? Did I tell you about that, uh, dream that I had with us? It was me and you, we're in the jungle.
We're surrounded by animals.
And it's like some sort of a class of some kind, and the animals are studying us having sex.
Okay, that's just, okay.
Well the goods news is that Boomer has just a little stomach virus so, um, I'm gonna give you some medicine that you give to him every few hours, okay? Yeah, okay, thanks.
So I should bring him back in a few days? - No, I don't think that's necessary.
- Really? Not even for, you know, just the check-in? If in a couple of weeks he still has some symptoms, you can make an appointment.
Oh, great.
So I see you in a couple of weeks.
If he has a symptom.
Well, you know actually I think I'm gonna bring my other cat in.
Why? What's the problem? I don't know.
She seems unhappy.
Okay, well, um, you can bring her in for a check-up, I guess.
Great, that would be nice.
You can make an appointment with Lisa upfront.
Right.
Okay.
- And bring Boomer too.
- I'll do that.
- Okay -Okay - Bye Mark.
- Bye.
So, uh, does a doctor have any pets? Yes, she has a cat and two dogs.
- She have a husband? Yes, she has a husband.
Yeah? How's that working out? Is there anything that I can help you with today Mr.
Maron? Oh, look at that.
Dragon Master says I'm not funny.
I don't understand.
Twitter.
Who are these people? Don't they have lifes? Me not funny? Come on.
There's one thing I know, it's that I'm funny.
I'm not engaging with them.
Subtitle by Syntech.
I'm over it.
You know.
If you're saying that, you're probably not over it.
Hurtbreak.
Who the hell knows how long does it take to process.
I am obsessed with the idea of running into my ex-wife.
I've not seen her in years.
And we live in the same town.
But I haven't run into her which means one: I'm not over it if I'm obsessing about it.
And two when I think about it, it doesn't ever go well.
It's never a good thing.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
She can be with her new husband.
Am I gonna cry? Am I gonna yell? Am I gonna do both? Am I gonna be holding a yoga mat? Am I gonna be wearing my gym shorts? Am I gonna be in the middle of eating something? and feeling ashamed for eating it? I have no idea.
But I know obvious way.
I'm still sad and I, I imagine that will will pass.
But I know one thing about me.
If I'm sad and it's in public, it's not gonna come out sadness.
It's just gonna come out anger.
Jesus, Boomy.
You could wait till we got home.
Oh, my God.
Unbelievable.
Hey buddy, can I use a restroom? I've got a problem here.
Bathrooms are for customers only.
Oh my god.
What is that smell? - Is that you? - Yeah, it's me.
Can I use the restroom now? Yeah, it's over there.
Mark.
Oh, hey.
It's you.
Yeah.
- Yeah, and the guy who stole you from me.
- Come on, grow up.
It's been like four years.
Yeah.
Wow.
Pregnant.
Yea.
So that's your move? I get it.
I know who you are.
You're having a baby at me.
That's a spite baby.
Yeah Mark, it's all about you.
Everything is all about you.
Well, congratulations.
I have to go to the bathroom, cuz Boomer shitted in his cage.
You remember Boomer, don't you? You left him too.
Right buddy? I am Jerry by the way.
We haven't actually met but, um, heard lot about you.
Yeah, I bet you have.
Well, you know what? I've read a lot about you.
I google whose my ex-wife banging.
I get it.
Harvard, money, better husband.
It was like googling cancer when you think you have it.
Glad to see you haven't changed much.
Yeah.
Well looks you're all set for eighteen years.
How far along are you with that entry uterine insurance policy.
- Hey, that's a little out of line.
- Oh, yeah? Is it out of line? Guy who stole my wife? Whose out of line? I don't know, a guy who lost his wife, maybe the better man one here.
- Jerry, let it go.
Yeah, let it go Jerry but before you do I just wanted you to know that I had her when she was perfect.
What the hell? What kind of guy does that, dude? I've got sick cat here, man.
Okay, sir.
You have to leave now.
Why do I have to leave? Make them leave.
She's good at that.
Uh, not my problem? Please leave.
Nice seeing you both.
Hope you get a nice crib with my money.
Yea, maybe I didn't handle it very well.
But I think I was speaking for both of us.
I would say don't quit your day job but you don't have one and it's too late to get one.
Who the hell is Dragon Master? Dave? What are you doing here? Well, I was napping.
That looks messy.
My cat got a stomach problem.
Ugh! I think I might as well at the moment.
Where were you last week? - Can you be more specific? - You were supposed to be here last week.
Oh, sorry.
I thought today was last week.
Well alright, I better get going.
Wait, wait.
You shouldn't drive.
Just hang out for a while.
Maybe we can do the interview.
Alright, fine.
It's stinky out here though.
Let's go inside.
Ugh.
Inside is good too, good, good, good, you know? I need to lay down.
I'm not feeling so good.
Okay, okay.
You sure you don't want a chair? Noo, this is nice.
It's cool on my face.
Hey, look.
I'm sorry for ???.
Just run into my ex-wife and she was pregnant.
It was horrible.
Yeah, but don't you have a hot second wife now? That was the hot second wife.
Well, mine's gone too.
You know, it was my mami and my house.
The kids, whatever you Hey, come on.
Get up.
Come on.
It will be okay, buddy.
Let's get over to the couch.
Okay.
Couches are nice.
Marc Maron wasn't funny when he was funny and that was twenty years ago.
Ha.
Marc Maron is sad and draining with his soul sucking jokes.
Some guy on twitter has been railing on me all day.
Calls himself the Dragon Master.
Well, that sounds like a very important job.
They're all cowards.
I'm just sick of it.
Why should I have to put up with this? Yeah, you just ignore them.
Shut up, Marc Maron.
It's not our fault your parents didn't love you.
That one is actually pretty helpful.
If whining was jokes, Marc Maron would be a genius.
Marc Maron, do us all a favor and kill yourself because that would be hilarious.
bigcloser Haha, that's a good one.
You know, why you take it so personally? I mean, he's just some on the money idiot.
I'm gonna figure out who this is.
Yes! Got you! Dave, wake up.
I found him.
- Who? - Dragon Master His name is Darryl.
He's twenty-seven.
He's from Colorado.
He worked for the city but hates the job.
He blogs.
He blogs about anime, british comedy, the nerdist and he and his friends are playing D&D at a comic bookstore in Irvine this afternoon.
That is a lot of research.
How long have I been asleep? A week? I went to his twitter page.
I found his name.
I did search on facebook.
It came up with three names.
He has Miyazaki twitter avatar.
That was one of the options on facebook.
Favorite director.
That make me to his blog.
So now, I'm back on his twitter and he's on his way to play.
Wow.
You are really good at waisting time.
Can I go home now? No? We're going Orange County.
We're gonna confront this guy face to face.
I'm tired of these cowards attacking me from the dark, hiding behind screen names.
We're going.
I don't want to.
I want to go eat something that is bad for me.
I'll get you in-n-out burger.
I want a burrito.
Deal.
Screw this guy.
I'm taking a stand against internet bullies.
He's ? assholes, who anonymously spew lies and hate.
It's not just about me, man.
I'm doing this for all those sexually confused college kids who are jumping off bridges because they were bullied.
This is a crusade for decency.
Are you gay? No! What's that got to do with anythings? I just thought maybe that's what you were talking about.
- No! - Alright You know, it's okay to be gay.
I'm not gay! Alright, but it's okay if you're gay.
I don't, you know, we're going to get me something to eat, right? Yes, I promise.
Let's just deal with this thing first.
Alright.
Why is that cat in the car? He's sick.
I might have to give him his medicine.
You okay, Boomy? I know you don't feel okay, buddy.
cuz u see, that's a little gay.
What are you doing? Seems pretty clear.
There's a bathroom inside.
Yeah but it's just not the same as me out here under big sky.
You're peeing in dumpster in Glendale.
Don't be such a buzz-kill.
How many cats you've got? I've got three cats of my own and there's couple that hang around.
Christ.
That's alot of cats, Marc.
I don't like them.
Well, I'm not sure I like you.
Well, I'm just saying.
I mean you never know what cats are thinking, you know? Dog, dogs upfront with who they are.
They say "Hello I'm a dog".
This is all there is.
Yeah, I get it, I get it.
I grew up with dogs.
- Yeah.
- Too needy.
I don't want anything needier than me in my house.
I mean, if there's gonna be something crying and panting in my house it's gonna be me.
You are a needy.
I don't know.
I just want you to think you have to fight for cats affection.
I think I'm attracted to women like that too, I mean, my ex-wife I don't think she really liked me.
And she just wandered off.
Now she's having kittens.
Nah, should have gotten a dog.
- You ready? - Uh, you know, uh I was thinking I would just hang out in the car with Bumer.
It's Boomer.
- Hi - Hi Can I help you find something? Yea, I'm looking for Darryl.
You a cop? No.
Why would you ask me that? Movies.
He's supposed to be here, playing Dungeons and Dragons.
Maybe is.
Who are you? A friend.
I don't think so.
I know all of Darryls friends.
There only five of us.
Look.
Is he here or not? Well, alright.
Tell him Marc Maron is here.
Okay.
It's highly unusual to interrupt a session but I'll see.
Thanks.
Don't steal anything.
I've got cameras everywhere, I mean everywhere.
There's one there, one there, one in here and there's one up there Alright.
I get it.
I'll try not to steal anything.
Dragon Master says he doesn't want to see you.
Screw that.
- I'm going back there.
- No, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
There will be a price to pay for that trespass.
I get it gate keeper, relax.
Oh, look who's here.
Hello fellas.
Wow.
This-this is embarrassing Well, you should be embarrassed.
I-I was thinking it was embarrassing for you.
I mean, why are you here? And how did you even find me? Well I figured it out.
Geez, this is pretty pathetic, don't you think? What's your problem, man? You're the one who tracked me down online.
I think we need to talk what your problem is.
Why don't you just shut up and leave me alone.
- I don't bother you.
- Oh, until now.
I just want to know why you keep attacking me.
Cuz you're not funny? You suck.
Nothing? He's under a spell.
You guys are bunch of cowards.
Why can't you just say something to somebody's face? We all just did say something to your face.
What is this? A troll cave? What am I inside internet right now? That wasn't funny either.
That didn't even make sense.
Now if you don't mind, we'd like to get back to our campaign.
Really? You don't understand metaphors.
You guys are wearing costumes and I'm the idiot? That guy has elf ears on.
The wrong color elf ears.
Racist? - Wait a minute.
- You don't get it, do you? People don't like you.
Like, do you need to be liked by everyone? No.
I don't know.
Maybe.
I just don't understand why you have to attack me in the public forum Because it's fun? Yea.
You get all worked up with those said.
And then you start to cry.
Like a little bitch.
I don't cry.
And that's a little sexist.
Uh, Marc, uh Bumer, uh, he crapped in his cage.
Again? No way.
This is amazing.
Well, this certainly is a pleasure to meet you, Dave.
Prepare to get hated on.
No, no, Marc.
He's actually my sarcastic guy character from the Kids in the Hall.
That was good.
That was pretty good, it really was.
Daves, I know, I know These are the Daves I know.
Oh, Dave.
Will you be Jocelyn? You were the best lady.
- That says a lot.
- Hey! Let the funny man talk.
No, guys I don't think I can do that.
I don't even know if I still remember that character.
- Oh come on.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- Don't do it man.
Don't be their monkey.
I could do a few minutes.
These are nice kids.
Come on.
I'm going to my car.
Yeah, go.
Your cat's shitting his cage.
You should write one man show about that.
I'll be just second.
They'll be one second.
They're nice kid.
Hey, anyone know this guy Thompson Park? Oh, wow.
Okay, alright.
We'll do this as a round, I guess.
Uh, alright, alright, uh.
Did you have fun in there? Yeah.
I did They were so excited.
It was cute, man.
It's fun to have fans.
How'd it go for you in there? Shut up.
They didn't like you at all.
Yea, that seems to be going around today.
Well, I still got it.
What was I thinking.
I'm an idiot.
Why did I even go over there? Well, as I recall you were gonna teach them a lesson.
Strike a blow for depressed gay kids everywhere.
I wonder if they let up.
Thanks, Marc Maron for driving Dave Foley to our game.
Do you work for him now? That's good.
The only thing funny about Marc Maron are his friends.
Look, Marc.
You're just not for everybody, alright? You just have to accept that.
I mean I spent whole day with you and it's been thriving.
You know, those kids weren't bad.
So, Dave Foley.
We had quite an adventure today.
Um, well, you know I just really wanted to get something to eat.
And you did.
Yeah, the burrito.
Yes.
And a, you know, today, you know.
Was a Alright.
I don't feel so great.
Yeah.
Why don't we hook another day that you can miss and then you can show unannounced again.
- Sounds like a good plan.
- Okay.
Alright, and thanks for the burrito.
And I hope your cat's okay.
Thank you.
- See you, Marc.
- Okay, man.
That's the best food, right? Yeah, I think so.
These other are filled ash and filler.
One of my cats once got crystals in his bladder.
Clogged his thing up.
Poor guy almost exploded from the inside cuz of bad food.
Barely saved him.
Sorry.
Sounds horrible.
Can you imagine? Having your pee tube clogged up? Oh, god.
- Uretha.
- What? Pee tube.
It's a uretha.
Still not comfortable with it.
I had a prostate thing so, I-I know.
Oh, I'm sorry man.
- You okay now? - Yea, I'm good.
Your voice sounds familiar.
Are you Marc Maron? I am.
Oh my god! I love you.
- Okay.
- I'm Sid.
- Was nice to meet you Sid.
- Your show is the greatness.
My wife left, just me and the cats.
You just keep us company.
I love it.
The cats love it.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much.
- Well, I'm glad to help out.
You got three cats? Monkey, Boomer and LaFonda.
You got it.
You got it.
How many you have? I've got a few.
It's like I'm running a shelter at my house.
Cuz I am.
Hey, you should come by.
You'd love it.
Oh, I'd love to.
I've a lot going on today though.
Sometimes things don't work out.
Most things.
The people that you want to love you may stop loving you, The job you wanted might not pan out.
Or you don't love it.
Friendships fade or go away.
It happens.
It's sad but you can count on it.
Now.
If you think you're causing these things to happen because of unreasonable expectations.
Or just by being a dick.
You're gonna have to answer to that.
You're gonna have to answer to yourself.
You're gonna have to sit yourself down and say: "You're a dick".
And if you don't cool it, you're gonna be alone and no one is gonna like you.
And if you're me.
You'll say to you.
Shut up.
I'm doing it the way I wanted to do and people will just have to accept that.
I am who I am.
Yeah, you're a dick.
Hey, don't interrupt me while I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Oh, I'm sorry man.
I love you.
No, you don't.
I'll work on it.
That cat doesn't like anyone.
That's amazing.
You've got a real gift.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not for everybody.
And the things that I do attract are usually the same as me.
How are you my little angry, difficult, misunderstood friend? He's fixed.
Oh, I'm not bringing him home.
Any of them.