Married Single Other (2009) s01e01 Episode Script
I Don't
I call your attention to the window region.
Oh, my goodness.
That is so unexpected.
And my answer is, of course, no! Bugger off.
Can I open my cards now? My mum isn't married to my dad.
My dad isn't married to my mum either.
Thoughnot for lack of trying.
Every birthday, he asks her.
And every time, he crashes and burns.
What's the reason this year? Well, it's the same as last year.
And the year before that.
Marriage is for twats.
I take it back.
It turns out, I don't want to marry you, after all.
Hurrah! Can we still have sex, though? Till someone better comes along.
I'll take my chances.
He sucks at proposing.
That's why this year I'm going to help.
Told you the letters were a bad idea.
Not spontaneous enough.
Happy Birthday, Mummy.
Thank you.
Nearly old enough to carry off the word spinster with aplomb.
Ooh, 11.
Far too young to be using the word aplomb.
Love you, Mum.
I think you're pathetic, Dad.
Hey.
Hey! Sofa girl! Feeling better? Ermyeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Well? Well? Take off any unnecessary clothing, and hop on in.
I wasn't having you in here last night, when you seemed in severe danger of puking yourself inside out.
Yeah, I've er been on flu medicine.
I'm not supposed to drink, but it was a friend's hen night.
Disastrous results.
Your life story is all well and good ErmAbbey.
Your life story is all well and good, ermAbbey, but it's becoming something of an obstacle on our journey to the heights of sexual ecstasy, so Oh, I see.
You're THAT guy.
Shame.
Come on.
Bugger.
You must think I'm an idiot.
Morning, babe.
You had a good sleep? Yes, thanks.
Had a good "stay up all night burning money we don't have at poker-prats.
com"? Come on, babe.
You know I'm a night owl.
I'm so fed up of waking up in a cold bed, Dickie.
It's no problem warming the sheets up.
You're joking, aren't you? Do you not read the signs? This is supposed to be a fight we're having.
Fightforeplay.
You know I get my words mixed up.
I'm a bit dyslexic.
What's that other F word we like doing? Thanks.
Er, Clint.
Dad a big fan of spaghetti westerns.
Thanks, Clint, Dad a big fan of spaghetti westerns.
Nice coffee.
Unusual surname.
Well, now that you know my name, maybe we could start again.
Maybe we should just get married, and work our way back from there.
A few minutes ago, you didn't strike me as the marrying kind.
You were probably still under the influence of all that cold medicine.
Thanks for the coffee.
THAT was sweet.
Wait I don't have your number.
No.
But I've got yours.
Time to get dressed, little fella.
Ask her again.
Ask her on Saturday, when everyone's there.
Don't start.
Every year you talk me into it and every year I crash and burn.
I'm just a black, charcoaly thing.
It'll be better Saturday.
I sense she's cracking.
She will never crack.
I'm not that fussed, anyway.
I only did it for a joke, and I'm not doing it again.
Quitter.
Can't believe I'm giving up after only 15 attempts.
Lightweight quitter.
Man, we're good at that.
Babe, I'm gonna get off for a run with the boys.
Before you settle down at your computer and make some money, for a change? Absolutely.
Mwah.
Laters.
Bye.
Stupid, stupid.
Bye! Morning, Barbara.
The bed was stone cold.
The bed was stone cold.
He must think I'm an idiot.
Happy birthday, by the way.
You are an idiot.
Thank you, by the way.
So you think I should leave him? Of course you should leave him.
He is a good dad to Gina.
Even though he's not actually her dad.
But he's here.
He's stuck around.
He didn't scarper with the beauty technician after six months like the sperm donor.
Dickie does get points for staying power, I'll give him that.
You are his soulmate.
Buthe is not yours.
And you've known that for years, and that's why you're an idiot, Babsy-Babs.
I'm gonna leave him.
No, you're not.
Cos, you know, as I was saying, you're an idiot.
Super-idiot.
Red cloak, pants on the outside, the works.
Why are we friends again? We met in junior school and I could not shake you off.
Anyway, she wasn't having any, so in the end I threw her out.
Sounds nice.
Smart and nice.
Actually, she was kind of urghsweet.
And beautiful.
Even with her hair on sideways.
Absolutely beautiful.
Bloody hell! What? Who'd have thought it? What? My evil brotherin love.
Bollocks.
She blanked a ride on the Clint Orgasmatron, and a ticket is non-refundable.
So you're not gonna call her? What kind of sap do you think I am? Besides, I don't have her number.
Seahorses mate for life, you know.
I thought that was swans.
Swans too.
But we're discussing sea creatures at the moment.
Are we really? Cos I thought it was about to be the 'Why am I a bastard, Mummy?' time again.
You know, you and your dad in the annual pincer movement.
You brought up the whole embarrassing, feminist, hippie anti-marriage thing.
Oh, my Lord.
Go to school.
And you, Harry.
Get up, get dressed, get out! Lunch.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Joe.
Hey, Joe.
What's the square root of 346? Something you'll never understand.
Yeah, fair point.
Hey.
Tonight prepare for sexual ecstasy such as you've never experienced in your sheltered suburban life.
Who are you bringing home for me? Yeahstill love you.
Name three reasons.
Ohbecause your hair smells of flowers.
Because you need to eat chocolate like other people need to breathe in and out.
Because you wear boys' clothes and still look sexy.
OK, yeah.
It's not bad.
The boys' clothes thing, bit of a perv concern, maybe.
Bye! See you later, mate.
Bye.
Name three reasons.
I can't think of any offhand.
Go to work.
Drunks are waiting to be sick on your shoes.
Bye-bye.
Well, we seemed to have reached an impasse.
I'm happy tosit it out.
So you'll die first, Mum.
Ha ha! You're not wearing them and that's final.
Not on both wrists, obviously.
Just on one with the other cuff hanging loose.
Everyone does it! It's not happening.
Swallow these, please, Dickie.
Sure, babe.
Is that actual work? Will money of any description result from what you are clicking and dragging? Absolutely.
Start looking at massive houses with pools, baby doll, cos this one's going all the way.
I'm driving Gina to school so I can be fairly certain she actually goes today.
Please don't be asleep face down on the keyboard when I get back.
Sure.
Excellent sex this morning.
Gross.
Sorry, pumpkin.
I forgot you were there.
Do you want a hand with those, Gina? Car.
Now.
I mean it, Dickie.
Work.
Not sleep.
Yeah, yeah.
Abbey.
A-B-B-I-E? A-B-B-Y? Abbey.
Benny? Hey.
Ben-dog.
Mate, you don't happen to remember the name of that girl from Honeys last night, do you? The fit one! You must know her, Steve.
It's your bar.
You were chatting her up for an hour! Since I mention it, I DO think you should keep a record of everyone your drivers pick up.
Angel? I'm just going for a coffee.
You're leaving the office? Isn't that interesting? Yeah.
Yeah, I just need to know where she Yes, I'll hold.
Double espresso.
Regular or decaf? What is the point in a decaf double espresso? Ohhi, there.
No, no.
She's not actually a missing person as such.
I'd just be really interested in getting her phone number.
Hello? No way.
So.
You humiliate yourself again this morning? It's not humiliating, it's cute.
Besides, I only did it to please Joe.
From now on, I am a humiliation-free zone.
A cute-free zone, I mean.
You coming Saturday? Sing Happy Birthday at Lillie's party? We could use a baritone.
No.
I've got a date.
With a REAL man.
Not a pussy-whipped boy like you.
I am NOT pussy-whipped.
I'm thoughtful.
It's Carol.
He's followed us here.
Hey.
Hi.
I've left him again.
It's all right, love.
Police, please.
Yes, this is Lillie O'Rourke from the Central Women's Shelter.
I wonder if you could send a squad car immediately, please.
I have a sad excuse for a man here who's breaking the rules of his restraining order.
I wasn't sleeping.
I was thinking.
You know, you have to think things through from the perspective of the consumer.
It stopped being funny a long time ago, Dickie.
Must get dizzy after a while.
This show is meant to be for trade only.
I'm thinking of opening a chain of superbike dealerships.
The global warming thing's exaggerated.
That fits with what I know about you so far.
Bit harsh.
You've only just met me.
I've met you 1000 times before.
A dozen times a day at least.
Men like you wanna shag girls like me.
Shag and forget.
It's so boring.
Maybe you could change me.
I'm working.
Would you mind? Look, I just want a drink, with you.
Andmaybe another chance to make a better first impression.
I just had my break.
How long till your next one? Three house and 55 minutes.
I'll wait.
You need a holiday, baby.
You got that tense thing going on.
I'll organise us a mini-break.
With what? With what are we gonna go on this holiday I need, Dickie? Shall we sell some shares or take it from our offshore funds? Always with the money.
Yes.
Yes, it does always come back to money, because that's reality.
Remember, Dickie? It's the solid stuff on either side of a computer screen.
Worry less! You'll live longer.
We are locked in a mire of debt.
I can't charge what I'm worth, because no-one will pay a child psychoanalyst properly if she doesn't have an office, a semblance of success, and I don't have either, because we have poured all our cash, hope and time and expectation into sodding failure after failure dot com.
I put my trust in you.
Our lives, me and Gina.
We loved you.
Love you! You just weren't paying attention when the vicar said for richer or poorer.
You were asleep face down on your computer again! You just need a break.
We need to get out of this flat more.
I'm working on something.
Well, as long as you're working on something.
Here, I'll do it.
Police, please.
Intersection of Uppingham Road and Beatty Crescent.
Confirm that address, please, Control.
Intersection of Uppingham Road and Beatty Crescent.
Over.
Hurting my face.
Get off my arm.
Lillie? Lillie.
I've got you, it's OK.
I've been assaulted, Officer, by that woman there.
I'd like her arrested, please.
Look at me.
Stop smirking.
Follow my finger.
Follow the finger! Are you hurt anywhere else? No! I'm not hurt anywhere.
Couldn't punch his way through an apple crumble.
Come sit in the back.
Flo'll drive us home.
At least one of us is suffering from shock.
OK, go away now.
I am not made of eggshell and candyfloss.
I'm gonna call in sick, make sure you're OK.
Neither of us are sick.
Bugger off.
OK.
I'm gonna be back soon, OK? You missed a spot.
She's gotta go, kid.
It's the only way.
Are you gonna sell it to pay some bills? No.
I'm gonna sell her and buy something to make everything right between me and your mum.
Is that right? Mm-hm.
How was school? It was fine.
You say fine all the time.
Tell me stuff.
What was the best and worst bit of your day? The worst bit was when this conversation started.
But the best bit'll be when it finishes.
OK, so there is nothing you wanna talk about.
Nope.
Nothing whatsoever? Well Bloody hell, a well.
That's very exciting.
Is it something juicy? Is it crime, sex, drugs? Gender confusion? You've got your underage junkie girlfriend pregnant, but you're not ready to be a father because you secretly think you might be happier as a woman.
That's how you get a 16 year old to talk.
Come on! I'll start you off.
Well You aren't gonna say yes if he asks you again on Saturday, are you? No.
It's just I had a weird feeling that you were cracking.
I'm not cracking.
That you might have something going on, some crackitude.
No.
I mean, you know out of interest, why are you so against the idea? Can you think of anything more embarrassing than having to go to your parents' wedding? This stalker thing get you many girls? No, being handsome and a bit mean usually takes care of that.
But I saw you and I wanted to change.
You're not an ad man of some kind are you, by any chance? Wellyeah.
How did you know? All you need is a model girlfriend and you qualify for free steak knives from Cliches-R-Us.
Waited for four hours to buy you a drink.
Well, nobody asked you to.
Why did you come? Really, no sales talk.
Because.
Because I Because I want someone to love.
And I wanna be loved for who I am .
.
not who I pretend to be.
So not a date, then? Yeah, that too! A date, of course.
Before the wholewanting to be loved thing business.
Yeah.
Do you have a single female friend? Just a friend? Just one? Two! I have two.
Yes.
Lillie and Babs.
Not lesbians.
Just friends from school.
Friends of mine.
I wanna meet them.
OK.
Erit's Lillie's birthday party tomorrow night.
You could be my date.
No, not a date.
I'll come.
I'll be running a credit check.
See if anyone gives you any.
OK.
Stairs.
Betty? It's Eddie McCabe, the ambulance man.
And Flo.
And Flo.
We've been around a few times to pick you up.
Key's on the string, dear.
Airtight security.
I hear you've been doing ballet and picked up a slight injury.
Hey, Betty.
Don't get up, don't get up.
Come here.
We're gonna need a splint and the chair.
I'll go.
I need to get my butt cheeks tight for Saturday anyway.
Right, Betty.
Let's get you stoned.
This is gas and air.
Take a couple of deep breaths for me, OK? There you go.
Betty, how can you worry about dusting when you've got those cushions matched with this carpet? My husband says I shouldn't be so house-proud.
Forgive me, I thought you said your husband had passed on.
My Stan's been gone ten years.
Still married, though.
Married till my last breath.
So you liked being married, then? Oh, it's the best day of your life.
The day a man puts his heart in your hands and says 'Look after that for me, will you?' I feel a bit sorry for you gay fellas.
Betty, I'm not gay! Sorry, love.
I just thought you know.
No ring.
At your age.
Well, you thought wrong.
No, I've got two kids, I've been with my girl 16 years.
And she won't marry you? No.
On account of the gay thing? I'm not gay.
Just kidding.
You gave me the drugs! My Stan says .
.
love is the answer.
Now, what's the question? Keen on his '60s lyrics, my Stan.
Though he has been singing a lot of '70s glam rock lately.
Always acting younger than he is.
He sings glam rock to you? Oh, they never give you any peace, the dead.
Sounds nice.
You're a good lad.
Ask her again.
Call an ambulance.
I'm dying.
You do know the lift in the other corridor's working, don't you, dear? Oh, good.
They can take my body down in that.
Bolan's OK, but for me you can't beat the Beatles.
If you like the Beatles, you should have a listen to Oasis, Betty.
I think I'm a bit too old to be picking up with some new fellas.
No, you're never too old to start something new.
Oh, you're right.
You just remember that.
Of course, Oasis are disappointing in some ways.
The Beatles were inspired by Beethoven, Chuck Berry, Lonnie Donegan.
And squished them all together to make something new and amazing.
Whereas Oasis were just inspired by the Betty? I'm gonna get the defibrillators.
Ed, are you gonna help me? Flo, she's 86.
She's been in a bad way for a long time, you know that.
- I know, but we still have to - No, we don't.
We don't.
We don't have to cover her in bruises, burst open her lungs, drag her back to some kind of half-life.
Look at her.
She looks happy.
A very old lady died laughing, with people around her that she knew.
No tubes, no drips.
How's your mum? Pretty pleased with herself.
You know, when you were little, and I was sad, I'd always go pick you up.
I used to feel like things were the other way round.
More like you were comforting me.
Telling me it would be OK.
Like you were older than me.
Wiser.
Well, you are pretty stupid, Dad.
Thanks.
What happened today? Besides Mum? An old lady died.
That's sad.
She had this husband who sang to her.
Dead husband, singing dead husband.
I guess it was just time for her to go duet.
Thenwhy are you sad? Don't know.
Guess I was hoping you might figure it out.
You're probably longing for the same feeling of completion that comes from being married to the woman you love for the rest of your life and singing songs.
It's a bit embarrassing when you do that.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Is that you, Eddie? Yeah.
Name three reasons.
Because you have a cute overbite .
.
because you steal everything that's not screwed down in a hotel room .
.
because You're not running out there, are you, Elastoplast man? .
.
because love is always the answer.
That's pathetic.
Only insincere people use song lyrics.
Tea up in ten.
Will you Will you take my heart .
.
and put it next to yours .
.
for as long as they both beat? Lillie? Mm? I wanna be married to you.
Now.
Soon, anyway.
I'm not saying this for a joke or a tradition, or because I wanna hear your latest I wanna be your husband because I love you and you love me back.
Don't you? I do.
So you're saying yes? No I am saying that I couldn't love you more.
I don't love you on paper, or in a church.
I love you right here, right now.
You know, I see marriage destroy love.
Every day, I see it nurture cheating and violence and loathing.
My jobmy job is to clear the dead marriages off the streets so that they don't offend passers-by.
I love you too much to marry you.
So that's a maybe? I'm definitely torn.
I'll not buy the new suit just yet, though, eh? That's probably best.
Go and see if Joe's still awake.
Try not to get in a fight with the cat on the way.
Island hopping in the summer.
Snowboarding in the winter.
Glastonbury without the mud.
Somewhere to have a piss.
She's gonna love it.
It's the right move, innit? Yeah.
Sorry, HOG.
It's you or her, babe.
Selling your bike's a good idea, but shouldn't you use the money to pay off some debt instead of He's trying to say it's a stupid idea and it'll never work.
She's gonna love it.
What more could a girl ask for? Are you sure you're cool with it? I am if you stop saying cool.
Gina, this is serious.
Don't worry about me, it's well overdue.
You married an epic loser who makes other losers look like over-achievers.
Who knows? It might be the making of him.
Listen, foreparent.
As you know, I don't do love.
But if I did, I'd probably love Dickie.
He's like a friend from school.
And you can't stay with him and go insane just cos he gives you great sex.
Gina Er, Mum? Since we moved, I like sleep in a room one cardboard wall away from you two.
Or don't sleep, much more like, Miss 'Yes! Yes! Yes!' The truth is, the only thing that's stopping me is where he's gonna live.
Poor kitten.
Problem solved, I think.
What do you think? Shit.
Shit! Inhale with the chest, take the arms back.
Exhale, fold forwards, taking the hands down.
Inhale, lengthen forwards.
And exhaling folding back.
What is a Winnebago? A motorised skip with beds.
You're gonna make Dickie sleep in it? Yeah.
Poor Dickie.
What? Shh.
And then inhale, bring the right leg forwards.
Lift the chest.
You saidleave him.
I didn't think you would make him sleep in a skip.
It's a skip with beds.
When are you going to tell him? Soon.
Today, maybe.
You're still coming tonight, though, right? Yeah.
Is there going to be another embarrassing proposal from Ed? I can't take it today.
No, that's not happening today.
Right.
Come on, guys.
Party time.
Joe, leave that bag here, please.
I need to bring it.
I'm carrying something for Dad.
I know, darling, I saw.
But you need to leave the bag here, please.
But Mum I don't want Dad reading that speech, OK? As lovely as it is.
Hello! Hello! Hiya.
Sweaty jock.
Goth Sheba.
You had a wash? You've put on girls' clothes.
Hi.
How did you do that? I've been here ages, actually.
I've spoken to everyone, and it seems, according to your friends, that you are as bad as I feared.
I just came to say goodbye.
Ermbuter I'm just kidding, I just got here.
Oh Introduce me to one of your made-up female friends.
Babs.
This is Abbey.
Abbey, this is Babs.
Bloody hell, look at you.
You make Gwyneth Paltrow look like a hairy-arsed builder.
How on earth did the King of Sleaze manage to pull you? Nice to meet you, Babs.
Tell me more aboutwhat do you call him? The King of Sleaze? Dad.
Little fella, I'm not doing it.
The last time was the last time.
You, mewe're just going to have to let it go.
Lillie.
I need your help.
Not now.
I've got something This is a matter of life or death.
OK, it's a matter of shag or no shag.
Yeah, it's more plausible.
Who's the unfortunate girl? The pretty one talking to Babs, disastrously.
I need you to go over there and tell her what a nice guy I am.
Lie, you mean? Yes, lie.
You really love this girl, Clinton.
Don't be ridiculous.
I just want to sleep with her and make her meow like a cat.
You love her! Will you do it or not? Yes, I might just do that.
But first I have to ask someone something.
No, do it now! Please I went for a modest ten candles.
Massive health and safety issues with all 35.
Thank you.
I don't want to be interrupted.
Oh, what? Why am IJohnny Cake? Eddie will you take your heart and put it next to mine for as long as they both beat? Will you take your dreams and blend them with mine until they all come true? Will you take my love, and mix it with yours, until the sun goes cold? Will you take my name, and make it yours? That's the bit that didn't really work the other way round.
Eddie.
Joe and Harry .
.
and I would like you to marry me.
Will you? Ohhang on.
Sorry.
Ow Ow? What kind of answer's that? All right, then.
Another one, please, fella.
Er, no.
Fizzy water.
I think you've had enough stimulation for one evening.
There you go.
Take me now, Lord.
I couldn't be happier.
Oi.
Hey! Baby.
All right, all right.
Scuba gear.
Hey, baby.
Who's your mate? Hello.
Sheshe liked the caravan, yeah? It's a classic Winnebago.
She liked that you'd bought it, though? She loved it.
Thought she might even cry at one point.
Excuse me.
So, you seen enough of my female friends? Walk me home? Have you got us a room? 'Ey? No, Dickie, Dickie.
Wait, wait.
There's something I have to say to you.
What? That was the sweetest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah? And you've known them a really long time.
Since school, mostly.
Some of all that love and kindness must have rubbed off on you along the way.
I'm probably going to regret this.
Good night.
Good night.
Fuck me.
Now I'm THAT guy.
Come on, we gotta go, mate.
Gina, see you later.
I won't be a tick.
See if there's a cab outside, we'll splash out.
Stay there.
All right.
None of our friends have split up before.
Money doesn't matter.
Only love matters.
Screw you for saying that.
How about I cook you dinner? I'm a guy who hangs out with stable couples and is into being a couple, stably.
I don't need anyone else's fairytale.
I have my own!
Oh, my goodness.
That is so unexpected.
And my answer is, of course, no! Bugger off.
Can I open my cards now? My mum isn't married to my dad.
My dad isn't married to my mum either.
Thoughnot for lack of trying.
Every birthday, he asks her.
And every time, he crashes and burns.
What's the reason this year? Well, it's the same as last year.
And the year before that.
Marriage is for twats.
I take it back.
It turns out, I don't want to marry you, after all.
Hurrah! Can we still have sex, though? Till someone better comes along.
I'll take my chances.
He sucks at proposing.
That's why this year I'm going to help.
Told you the letters were a bad idea.
Not spontaneous enough.
Happy Birthday, Mummy.
Thank you.
Nearly old enough to carry off the word spinster with aplomb.
Ooh, 11.
Far too young to be using the word aplomb.
Love you, Mum.
I think you're pathetic, Dad.
Hey.
Hey! Sofa girl! Feeling better? Ermyeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Well? Well? Take off any unnecessary clothing, and hop on in.
I wasn't having you in here last night, when you seemed in severe danger of puking yourself inside out.
Yeah, I've er been on flu medicine.
I'm not supposed to drink, but it was a friend's hen night.
Disastrous results.
Your life story is all well and good ErmAbbey.
Your life story is all well and good, ermAbbey, but it's becoming something of an obstacle on our journey to the heights of sexual ecstasy, so Oh, I see.
You're THAT guy.
Shame.
Come on.
Bugger.
You must think I'm an idiot.
Morning, babe.
You had a good sleep? Yes, thanks.
Had a good "stay up all night burning money we don't have at poker-prats.
com"? Come on, babe.
You know I'm a night owl.
I'm so fed up of waking up in a cold bed, Dickie.
It's no problem warming the sheets up.
You're joking, aren't you? Do you not read the signs? This is supposed to be a fight we're having.
Fightforeplay.
You know I get my words mixed up.
I'm a bit dyslexic.
What's that other F word we like doing? Thanks.
Er, Clint.
Dad a big fan of spaghetti westerns.
Thanks, Clint, Dad a big fan of spaghetti westerns.
Nice coffee.
Unusual surname.
Well, now that you know my name, maybe we could start again.
Maybe we should just get married, and work our way back from there.
A few minutes ago, you didn't strike me as the marrying kind.
You were probably still under the influence of all that cold medicine.
Thanks for the coffee.
THAT was sweet.
Wait I don't have your number.
No.
But I've got yours.
Time to get dressed, little fella.
Ask her again.
Ask her on Saturday, when everyone's there.
Don't start.
Every year you talk me into it and every year I crash and burn.
I'm just a black, charcoaly thing.
It'll be better Saturday.
I sense she's cracking.
She will never crack.
I'm not that fussed, anyway.
I only did it for a joke, and I'm not doing it again.
Quitter.
Can't believe I'm giving up after only 15 attempts.
Lightweight quitter.
Man, we're good at that.
Babe, I'm gonna get off for a run with the boys.
Before you settle down at your computer and make some money, for a change? Absolutely.
Mwah.
Laters.
Bye.
Stupid, stupid.
Bye! Morning, Barbara.
The bed was stone cold.
The bed was stone cold.
He must think I'm an idiot.
Happy birthday, by the way.
You are an idiot.
Thank you, by the way.
So you think I should leave him? Of course you should leave him.
He is a good dad to Gina.
Even though he's not actually her dad.
But he's here.
He's stuck around.
He didn't scarper with the beauty technician after six months like the sperm donor.
Dickie does get points for staying power, I'll give him that.
You are his soulmate.
Buthe is not yours.
And you've known that for years, and that's why you're an idiot, Babsy-Babs.
I'm gonna leave him.
No, you're not.
Cos, you know, as I was saying, you're an idiot.
Super-idiot.
Red cloak, pants on the outside, the works.
Why are we friends again? We met in junior school and I could not shake you off.
Anyway, she wasn't having any, so in the end I threw her out.
Sounds nice.
Smart and nice.
Actually, she was kind of urghsweet.
And beautiful.
Even with her hair on sideways.
Absolutely beautiful.
Bloody hell! What? Who'd have thought it? What? My evil brotherin love.
Bollocks.
She blanked a ride on the Clint Orgasmatron, and a ticket is non-refundable.
So you're not gonna call her? What kind of sap do you think I am? Besides, I don't have her number.
Seahorses mate for life, you know.
I thought that was swans.
Swans too.
But we're discussing sea creatures at the moment.
Are we really? Cos I thought it was about to be the 'Why am I a bastard, Mummy?' time again.
You know, you and your dad in the annual pincer movement.
You brought up the whole embarrassing, feminist, hippie anti-marriage thing.
Oh, my Lord.
Go to school.
And you, Harry.
Get up, get dressed, get out! Lunch.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Joe.
Hey, Joe.
What's the square root of 346? Something you'll never understand.
Yeah, fair point.
Hey.
Tonight prepare for sexual ecstasy such as you've never experienced in your sheltered suburban life.
Who are you bringing home for me? Yeahstill love you.
Name three reasons.
Ohbecause your hair smells of flowers.
Because you need to eat chocolate like other people need to breathe in and out.
Because you wear boys' clothes and still look sexy.
OK, yeah.
It's not bad.
The boys' clothes thing, bit of a perv concern, maybe.
Bye! See you later, mate.
Bye.
Name three reasons.
I can't think of any offhand.
Go to work.
Drunks are waiting to be sick on your shoes.
Bye-bye.
Well, we seemed to have reached an impasse.
I'm happy tosit it out.
So you'll die first, Mum.
Ha ha! You're not wearing them and that's final.
Not on both wrists, obviously.
Just on one with the other cuff hanging loose.
Everyone does it! It's not happening.
Swallow these, please, Dickie.
Sure, babe.
Is that actual work? Will money of any description result from what you are clicking and dragging? Absolutely.
Start looking at massive houses with pools, baby doll, cos this one's going all the way.
I'm driving Gina to school so I can be fairly certain she actually goes today.
Please don't be asleep face down on the keyboard when I get back.
Sure.
Excellent sex this morning.
Gross.
Sorry, pumpkin.
I forgot you were there.
Do you want a hand with those, Gina? Car.
Now.
I mean it, Dickie.
Work.
Not sleep.
Yeah, yeah.
Abbey.
A-B-B-I-E? A-B-B-Y? Abbey.
Benny? Hey.
Ben-dog.
Mate, you don't happen to remember the name of that girl from Honeys last night, do you? The fit one! You must know her, Steve.
It's your bar.
You were chatting her up for an hour! Since I mention it, I DO think you should keep a record of everyone your drivers pick up.
Angel? I'm just going for a coffee.
You're leaving the office? Isn't that interesting? Yeah.
Yeah, I just need to know where she Yes, I'll hold.
Double espresso.
Regular or decaf? What is the point in a decaf double espresso? Ohhi, there.
No, no.
She's not actually a missing person as such.
I'd just be really interested in getting her phone number.
Hello? No way.
So.
You humiliate yourself again this morning? It's not humiliating, it's cute.
Besides, I only did it to please Joe.
From now on, I am a humiliation-free zone.
A cute-free zone, I mean.
You coming Saturday? Sing Happy Birthday at Lillie's party? We could use a baritone.
No.
I've got a date.
With a REAL man.
Not a pussy-whipped boy like you.
I am NOT pussy-whipped.
I'm thoughtful.
It's Carol.
He's followed us here.
Hey.
Hi.
I've left him again.
It's all right, love.
Police, please.
Yes, this is Lillie O'Rourke from the Central Women's Shelter.
I wonder if you could send a squad car immediately, please.
I have a sad excuse for a man here who's breaking the rules of his restraining order.
I wasn't sleeping.
I was thinking.
You know, you have to think things through from the perspective of the consumer.
It stopped being funny a long time ago, Dickie.
Must get dizzy after a while.
This show is meant to be for trade only.
I'm thinking of opening a chain of superbike dealerships.
The global warming thing's exaggerated.
That fits with what I know about you so far.
Bit harsh.
You've only just met me.
I've met you 1000 times before.
A dozen times a day at least.
Men like you wanna shag girls like me.
Shag and forget.
It's so boring.
Maybe you could change me.
I'm working.
Would you mind? Look, I just want a drink, with you.
Andmaybe another chance to make a better first impression.
I just had my break.
How long till your next one? Three house and 55 minutes.
I'll wait.
You need a holiday, baby.
You got that tense thing going on.
I'll organise us a mini-break.
With what? With what are we gonna go on this holiday I need, Dickie? Shall we sell some shares or take it from our offshore funds? Always with the money.
Yes.
Yes, it does always come back to money, because that's reality.
Remember, Dickie? It's the solid stuff on either side of a computer screen.
Worry less! You'll live longer.
We are locked in a mire of debt.
I can't charge what I'm worth, because no-one will pay a child psychoanalyst properly if she doesn't have an office, a semblance of success, and I don't have either, because we have poured all our cash, hope and time and expectation into sodding failure after failure dot com.
I put my trust in you.
Our lives, me and Gina.
We loved you.
Love you! You just weren't paying attention when the vicar said for richer or poorer.
You were asleep face down on your computer again! You just need a break.
We need to get out of this flat more.
I'm working on something.
Well, as long as you're working on something.
Here, I'll do it.
Police, please.
Intersection of Uppingham Road and Beatty Crescent.
Confirm that address, please, Control.
Intersection of Uppingham Road and Beatty Crescent.
Over.
Hurting my face.
Get off my arm.
Lillie? Lillie.
I've got you, it's OK.
I've been assaulted, Officer, by that woman there.
I'd like her arrested, please.
Look at me.
Stop smirking.
Follow my finger.
Follow the finger! Are you hurt anywhere else? No! I'm not hurt anywhere.
Couldn't punch his way through an apple crumble.
Come sit in the back.
Flo'll drive us home.
At least one of us is suffering from shock.
OK, go away now.
I am not made of eggshell and candyfloss.
I'm gonna call in sick, make sure you're OK.
Neither of us are sick.
Bugger off.
OK.
I'm gonna be back soon, OK? You missed a spot.
She's gotta go, kid.
It's the only way.
Are you gonna sell it to pay some bills? No.
I'm gonna sell her and buy something to make everything right between me and your mum.
Is that right? Mm-hm.
How was school? It was fine.
You say fine all the time.
Tell me stuff.
What was the best and worst bit of your day? The worst bit was when this conversation started.
But the best bit'll be when it finishes.
OK, so there is nothing you wanna talk about.
Nope.
Nothing whatsoever? Well Bloody hell, a well.
That's very exciting.
Is it something juicy? Is it crime, sex, drugs? Gender confusion? You've got your underage junkie girlfriend pregnant, but you're not ready to be a father because you secretly think you might be happier as a woman.
That's how you get a 16 year old to talk.
Come on! I'll start you off.
Well You aren't gonna say yes if he asks you again on Saturday, are you? No.
It's just I had a weird feeling that you were cracking.
I'm not cracking.
That you might have something going on, some crackitude.
No.
I mean, you know out of interest, why are you so against the idea? Can you think of anything more embarrassing than having to go to your parents' wedding? This stalker thing get you many girls? No, being handsome and a bit mean usually takes care of that.
But I saw you and I wanted to change.
You're not an ad man of some kind are you, by any chance? Wellyeah.
How did you know? All you need is a model girlfriend and you qualify for free steak knives from Cliches-R-Us.
Waited for four hours to buy you a drink.
Well, nobody asked you to.
Why did you come? Really, no sales talk.
Because.
Because I Because I want someone to love.
And I wanna be loved for who I am .
.
not who I pretend to be.
So not a date, then? Yeah, that too! A date, of course.
Before the wholewanting to be loved thing business.
Yeah.
Do you have a single female friend? Just a friend? Just one? Two! I have two.
Yes.
Lillie and Babs.
Not lesbians.
Just friends from school.
Friends of mine.
I wanna meet them.
OK.
Erit's Lillie's birthday party tomorrow night.
You could be my date.
No, not a date.
I'll come.
I'll be running a credit check.
See if anyone gives you any.
OK.
Stairs.
Betty? It's Eddie McCabe, the ambulance man.
And Flo.
And Flo.
We've been around a few times to pick you up.
Key's on the string, dear.
Airtight security.
I hear you've been doing ballet and picked up a slight injury.
Hey, Betty.
Don't get up, don't get up.
Come here.
We're gonna need a splint and the chair.
I'll go.
I need to get my butt cheeks tight for Saturday anyway.
Right, Betty.
Let's get you stoned.
This is gas and air.
Take a couple of deep breaths for me, OK? There you go.
Betty, how can you worry about dusting when you've got those cushions matched with this carpet? My husband says I shouldn't be so house-proud.
Forgive me, I thought you said your husband had passed on.
My Stan's been gone ten years.
Still married, though.
Married till my last breath.
So you liked being married, then? Oh, it's the best day of your life.
The day a man puts his heart in your hands and says 'Look after that for me, will you?' I feel a bit sorry for you gay fellas.
Betty, I'm not gay! Sorry, love.
I just thought you know.
No ring.
At your age.
Well, you thought wrong.
No, I've got two kids, I've been with my girl 16 years.
And she won't marry you? No.
On account of the gay thing? I'm not gay.
Just kidding.
You gave me the drugs! My Stan says .
.
love is the answer.
Now, what's the question? Keen on his '60s lyrics, my Stan.
Though he has been singing a lot of '70s glam rock lately.
Always acting younger than he is.
He sings glam rock to you? Oh, they never give you any peace, the dead.
Sounds nice.
You're a good lad.
Ask her again.
Call an ambulance.
I'm dying.
You do know the lift in the other corridor's working, don't you, dear? Oh, good.
They can take my body down in that.
Bolan's OK, but for me you can't beat the Beatles.
If you like the Beatles, you should have a listen to Oasis, Betty.
I think I'm a bit too old to be picking up with some new fellas.
No, you're never too old to start something new.
Oh, you're right.
You just remember that.
Of course, Oasis are disappointing in some ways.
The Beatles were inspired by Beethoven, Chuck Berry, Lonnie Donegan.
And squished them all together to make something new and amazing.
Whereas Oasis were just inspired by the Betty? I'm gonna get the defibrillators.
Ed, are you gonna help me? Flo, she's 86.
She's been in a bad way for a long time, you know that.
- I know, but we still have to - No, we don't.
We don't.
We don't have to cover her in bruises, burst open her lungs, drag her back to some kind of half-life.
Look at her.
She looks happy.
A very old lady died laughing, with people around her that she knew.
No tubes, no drips.
How's your mum? Pretty pleased with herself.
You know, when you were little, and I was sad, I'd always go pick you up.
I used to feel like things were the other way round.
More like you were comforting me.
Telling me it would be OK.
Like you were older than me.
Wiser.
Well, you are pretty stupid, Dad.
Thanks.
What happened today? Besides Mum? An old lady died.
That's sad.
She had this husband who sang to her.
Dead husband, singing dead husband.
I guess it was just time for her to go duet.
Thenwhy are you sad? Don't know.
Guess I was hoping you might figure it out.
You're probably longing for the same feeling of completion that comes from being married to the woman you love for the rest of your life and singing songs.
It's a bit embarrassing when you do that.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Is that you, Eddie? Yeah.
Name three reasons.
Because you have a cute overbite .
.
because you steal everything that's not screwed down in a hotel room .
.
because You're not running out there, are you, Elastoplast man? .
.
because love is always the answer.
That's pathetic.
Only insincere people use song lyrics.
Tea up in ten.
Will you Will you take my heart .
.
and put it next to yours .
.
for as long as they both beat? Lillie? Mm? I wanna be married to you.
Now.
Soon, anyway.
I'm not saying this for a joke or a tradition, or because I wanna hear your latest I wanna be your husband because I love you and you love me back.
Don't you? I do.
So you're saying yes? No I am saying that I couldn't love you more.
I don't love you on paper, or in a church.
I love you right here, right now.
You know, I see marriage destroy love.
Every day, I see it nurture cheating and violence and loathing.
My jobmy job is to clear the dead marriages off the streets so that they don't offend passers-by.
I love you too much to marry you.
So that's a maybe? I'm definitely torn.
I'll not buy the new suit just yet, though, eh? That's probably best.
Go and see if Joe's still awake.
Try not to get in a fight with the cat on the way.
Island hopping in the summer.
Snowboarding in the winter.
Glastonbury without the mud.
Somewhere to have a piss.
She's gonna love it.
It's the right move, innit? Yeah.
Sorry, HOG.
It's you or her, babe.
Selling your bike's a good idea, but shouldn't you use the money to pay off some debt instead of He's trying to say it's a stupid idea and it'll never work.
She's gonna love it.
What more could a girl ask for? Are you sure you're cool with it? I am if you stop saying cool.
Gina, this is serious.
Don't worry about me, it's well overdue.
You married an epic loser who makes other losers look like over-achievers.
Who knows? It might be the making of him.
Listen, foreparent.
As you know, I don't do love.
But if I did, I'd probably love Dickie.
He's like a friend from school.
And you can't stay with him and go insane just cos he gives you great sex.
Gina Er, Mum? Since we moved, I like sleep in a room one cardboard wall away from you two.
Or don't sleep, much more like, Miss 'Yes! Yes! Yes!' The truth is, the only thing that's stopping me is where he's gonna live.
Poor kitten.
Problem solved, I think.
What do you think? Shit.
Shit! Inhale with the chest, take the arms back.
Exhale, fold forwards, taking the hands down.
Inhale, lengthen forwards.
And exhaling folding back.
What is a Winnebago? A motorised skip with beds.
You're gonna make Dickie sleep in it? Yeah.
Poor Dickie.
What? Shh.
And then inhale, bring the right leg forwards.
Lift the chest.
You saidleave him.
I didn't think you would make him sleep in a skip.
It's a skip with beds.
When are you going to tell him? Soon.
Today, maybe.
You're still coming tonight, though, right? Yeah.
Is there going to be another embarrassing proposal from Ed? I can't take it today.
No, that's not happening today.
Right.
Come on, guys.
Party time.
Joe, leave that bag here, please.
I need to bring it.
I'm carrying something for Dad.
I know, darling, I saw.
But you need to leave the bag here, please.
But Mum I don't want Dad reading that speech, OK? As lovely as it is.
Hello! Hello! Hiya.
Sweaty jock.
Goth Sheba.
You had a wash? You've put on girls' clothes.
Hi.
How did you do that? I've been here ages, actually.
I've spoken to everyone, and it seems, according to your friends, that you are as bad as I feared.
I just came to say goodbye.
Ermbuter I'm just kidding, I just got here.
Oh Introduce me to one of your made-up female friends.
Babs.
This is Abbey.
Abbey, this is Babs.
Bloody hell, look at you.
You make Gwyneth Paltrow look like a hairy-arsed builder.
How on earth did the King of Sleaze manage to pull you? Nice to meet you, Babs.
Tell me more aboutwhat do you call him? The King of Sleaze? Dad.
Little fella, I'm not doing it.
The last time was the last time.
You, mewe're just going to have to let it go.
Lillie.
I need your help.
Not now.
I've got something This is a matter of life or death.
OK, it's a matter of shag or no shag.
Yeah, it's more plausible.
Who's the unfortunate girl? The pretty one talking to Babs, disastrously.
I need you to go over there and tell her what a nice guy I am.
Lie, you mean? Yes, lie.
You really love this girl, Clinton.
Don't be ridiculous.
I just want to sleep with her and make her meow like a cat.
You love her! Will you do it or not? Yes, I might just do that.
But first I have to ask someone something.
No, do it now! Please I went for a modest ten candles.
Massive health and safety issues with all 35.
Thank you.
I don't want to be interrupted.
Oh, what? Why am IJohnny Cake? Eddie will you take your heart and put it next to mine for as long as they both beat? Will you take your dreams and blend them with mine until they all come true? Will you take my love, and mix it with yours, until the sun goes cold? Will you take my name, and make it yours? That's the bit that didn't really work the other way round.
Eddie.
Joe and Harry .
.
and I would like you to marry me.
Will you? Ohhang on.
Sorry.
Ow Ow? What kind of answer's that? All right, then.
Another one, please, fella.
Er, no.
Fizzy water.
I think you've had enough stimulation for one evening.
There you go.
Take me now, Lord.
I couldn't be happier.
Oi.
Hey! Baby.
All right, all right.
Scuba gear.
Hey, baby.
Who's your mate? Hello.
Sheshe liked the caravan, yeah? It's a classic Winnebago.
She liked that you'd bought it, though? She loved it.
Thought she might even cry at one point.
Excuse me.
So, you seen enough of my female friends? Walk me home? Have you got us a room? 'Ey? No, Dickie, Dickie.
Wait, wait.
There's something I have to say to you.
What? That was the sweetest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah? And you've known them a really long time.
Since school, mostly.
Some of all that love and kindness must have rubbed off on you along the way.
I'm probably going to regret this.
Good night.
Good night.
Fuck me.
Now I'm THAT guy.
Come on, we gotta go, mate.
Gina, see you later.
I won't be a tick.
See if there's a cab outside, we'll splash out.
Stay there.
All right.
None of our friends have split up before.
Money doesn't matter.
Only love matters.
Screw you for saying that.
How about I cook you dinner? I'm a guy who hangs out with stable couples and is into being a couple, stably.
I don't need anyone else's fairytale.
I have my own!