Men Behaving Badly (1992) s01e01 Episode Script

Oh, I Left your tea bag in.
- I thought my tongue had fallen out.
You won't be needing that now Lisa's ditched you.
We were going on holiday.
I've already bought my flip-flops.
You can't afford a holiday.
Yes, I can.
Tax rebate.
Tax rebate? You've never stayed in a job long enough to pay tax.
Maybe you get money back if you collect enough P45s.
I'll buy Lisa a present, something with a lot of straps.
Aren't you forgetting something? Do I owe you some of this? - You owe me ALL of it.
Buy so much as a newspaper, I'll nail you to the fridge.
I've got a mortgage to keep up.
You could always sell a kidney.
You're really upset about that girl - Hmm.
You, er You want to talk about it? Yeah, I wouldn't mind.
Well, it's always sad when you first split up with someone.
You remember all the things you used to do together In bed, was she a moaner or a squealer? Leave it out! All right.
I'm cooking tonight.
What do you fancy? - Anything that takes my mind off sex.
Toad in the hole? Couple of dumplings.
Something wobbly in an oyster sauce.
- Yes, OK.
Snap out of it.
You start a new job today.
- Great Selling is a challenging occupation.
- I'm no good at it.
Drop into the office later.
I'll teach you how to deal with the public.
I thought I'd just sort of let them mill about.
"Mill about"? What's supposed to happen then? Then I hope they, you knowgo home.
Dermot, you're either very stupid or you're very, very stupid.
Is Dorothy corning over tonight? - Oh, I dunno.
She just turns up these days.
I'm gonna dump her.
Why? - We've been going out for two years.
She's worn out.
- Oh.
She used to be really enthusiastic in bed.
And then she met you.
- Yeah No.
I mean, she knows what I like, I know what she likes After a while you want it the way you like it - But with someone else.
So, how are you gonna tell her? - Well, it has to look like her decision.
Hmm.
Start with a moody silence? - Yeah, couple of hours moody silence.
Loll your head a bit.
- Yeah, yeah.
Loll my head, moody silence then ask her for my keys back, say I need time to discover myself.
She'll say, "Our relationship's going backwards.
Let's call it a day.
" I'll look shattered.
- Call a cab before she changes her mind.
Good idea.
I'll stand in the window, tearful, waving the cab off, her little eyes all wet, lip all quivery then you and me can go and get a pizza.
That sounds very fair.
That's the thing - 20 years ago, when men had no respect for women, they just used to say, "You're chucked.
" Now we DO respect them, we have to lie to them sensitively.
George? You've heard of the wheel clamp? - Yes.
You're familiar with the door-knob? - Yes.
Look at that.
- A knob wheel.
It's a door clamp.
What a crap idea.
Who sent it? Come in, Anthea.
I won't hurt youprobably.
I couldn't understand some of your last tape, the Letter to Burridge Security Products, so I've tentatively typed in "disappointing standard of design".
I've warned you about this before.
Put back in what I actually said.
"Conceived by a moron and engineered by a git" is howl phrased it.
You don't think that's a bit undiplomatic? We are trying to sell reliable security equipment.
They send me a safe that a small animal could open.
Perhaps we could settle for adding the word "utterly" to my suggestion.
Sorry, Anthea.
My "git" is not negotiable.
I let you take my "bollocks" out last week.
It Left a nasty taste in my mouth.
Disgusting.
You really take security seriously, don't you? I just want a crime-free society where children can grow up free from corruption.
I don't know why.
I hate the Little bastards.
Perhaps you ought to move to the country like Marjorie and me.
We don't get much crime there.
Bit of pilfering from bird tables, but otherwise The bloke in the flat upstairs moved out yesterday.
We'll have squatters soon.
That's a biro you're sharpening, George.
I could never be a squatter.
Sharing the bathroom with people you haven't been properly introduced to.
Hi, George.
- Hello, Dermot.
How are you? Can't complain.
Depressed, poor, totally shagged out How'd it go? - Very busy.
I had to hide inside a kitchen cabinet until it calmed down.
You didn't? - Mmm.
The workmanship in those cabinets is incredible.
You'd expect the odd screw head to show.
- You should be out there pushing yourself.
Yes.
You've got to be aggressive.
I'm going to turn you into a salesman.
Sell that to George.
Do want to buy this? - Not really.
He doesn't want it.
All right.
Let's recreate market conditions.
You're trying to sell this security device to George, a little old lady.
Could I be Welsh? - Eh? I'd like to be a Little old Welsh Lady.
- If it helps.
Have I got to be Welsh? It always comes out Pakistani.
It doesn't bloody matter! This is for your benefit.
Madam, the lmpregnatron door clamp provides a second line of defense against unwelcome guests.
Well, that's a mercy.
I'll just get my assistant to show you how it works.
This mobile marvel fits easily over handles, rendering the door unopenable.
Yes, thank you.
I'll have one.
- Great.
When did you come to London? There's a funny story attached to that.
- Really? Yes.
We were out gathering slate - All right, all right, you two.
I enjoyed that.
Can I play it with a stutter next? No.
Dermot, have you got me the money? Tonight, all right? - Yeah, all right.
That's not bad, is it? British ingenuity.
It would have taken 400 Japanese working round the clock to come up with that.
"Even the most determined intruder will have trouble" You're like a bull in a china shop.
"Ask the butcher to cut the Liver into the thinnest slices possible.
" "Crush the peppercorns in a pestle and mortar if you have one.
" Well, I haven't got one, Delia.
Oh.
"If you haven't got one, use the back of a spoon.
" Don't say that speck of dust got back in again! How did it go? - I'm knackered.
I fell asleep against this woman on the bus.
She was all right until Oxford Circus.
Then I started dribbling on her shoulder.
Slice that, will you? Don't tell me your new employers didn't offer you a seat on the board.
Didn't offer me any kind of seat.
I've been standing up all day fantasising about sofas.
Makes a change from your usual fantasies about semi-naked women.
Not really.
These sofas already had semi-naked women in them.
They squeezed up to let me sit down.
- You're obsessed with sex.
It's your fault for giving me suggestive food.
What are you cooking, anyway? - Well, it's a Persian dish in a subtle juniper sauce, followed by jelly and ice cream.
With hundreds and thousands? - Yeah.
I need something to take my mind off Lisa.
I taught her all my best beer-mat tricks, you know.
Why did she leave me? Perhaps you shouldn't have slept with her best friend.
Women don't like that much, do they? Her teeth went all clenched like in "Dallas".
Is this mine? - Nope.
Good.
I'm gonna change.
Change into something useful, like a curry.
Hey, a woman's moving in upstairs.
I found a Letter addressed to "Deborah".
Great.
What does it say? - How should I know? It's private.
Actually, I did accidentally steam it open and read it.
Her mother enjoyed France, but the weather was disappointing.
France, eh? Bonjour, Deborah.
je m'appelle Dermot.
I'm sensitive and artistic.
Have you got the sharp knife? - Yeah.
I'll bring it out in a minute.
Yo! Get down, bitch! Dermot! Oh, I see.
It's a duvet.
Silly me.
I thought you'd spent the money you owe me on a new suit, you piece of scum.
I'm looking after it for a friend.
- You're not.
All right.
It's an investment.
- It's a bloody new bloody suit, you bastard! It's not my fault.
Whenever I see a cheque, I go out of control.
I'm the same with tight black skirts.
- This is my money.
What if I took your wallet on a spending spree? What can you buy for an old library ticket and a picture of Lisa bending down? Shut up.
What else have you bought for yourself? Nothing.
- Well, what's in that bag? Oh, it's a cookery book.
You expect me to believe that? You say you're tired of me cooking the same thing all the time.
Au right.
Not that there's anything wrong with fish fingers "sur la toast".
Take those stupid sunglasses off.
That's something women find hard to believe, that two men can have a quiet evening in enjoying a civilised conversation.
What were we talking about this morning? Patsy Kensit's bicycle.
No, about you chucking Dorothy.
- Oh.
Sure you know what you're doing? - Yeah.
She taught you everything you know.
- Like what? Well, sex.
I heard you'd been pressing all the wrong buttons down there for years.
She put me right on a few technical details, yes.
She said it was like sleeping with a badly informed Labrador.
Labrador?! Oh! Honestly, the potholes in your road.
Nearly came off my bike twice.
A 12-hour shift without so much as a Mars bar, then the lifts go on the blink, and I've got a hysterectomy stuck between floors.
Evening, Dorothy.
- You didn't tell me you were cooking.
Hello, Dermot.
- Hello, Dorothy.
You look well.
You hear that, Gary? A compliment.
Remember compliments? - They embarrass me.
Anyway, you know you look well You're a nurse.
I thought I'd pay you a spontaneous visit.
What have you been up to? Oh, you know, discussing life, women, the meaning of it all.
That's what turns me on about you, Gary.
You're not just a burglar-alarm salesman, you're also fantastically shallow.
If you must know, I was comforting Dermot, who's been destroyed for the love of a woman.
It's all right.
I'm beginning to pick up the pieces.
And I'd prefer it if you didn't arrive like this, unannounced, and interrupt Your brain-dead ideas about women? I'm going to run a bath.
See what I mean? She just barges in.
You gave her the keys.
- Only to let herself out.
I don't see the problem.
At least we'll get a clean bath.
It's over.
I'm going to start the moody silences.
Have you started or are you waiting for her? - Shut up.
What's the matter with your neck? The funniest thing happened today.
This bloke came in with an aubergine Dorothy! Can you pay a bit of attention? Something's wrong here.
Oh.
ls that what it is? Look, I'd like my keys back.
You want to finish with me? - Cor! That didn't take long.
No.
No.
I just think that we both need more time on my own .
.
toto - Discover myself.
Thank you.
To discover myself.
It's nothing to do with you.
It's all me.
A personal space thing.
I need the personal space to discoverthe person withinmyself.
It's a It's a It's It's a voyage of discoveryness You see what I mean? I'll leave you two to it.
So, eryou think we should split up, then? If you're unhappy, yes.
- Yeah.
You can cope with being on your own? - Well, hasn't been much fun lately.
Hasn't it? - The only thing keeping us together is sex.
Yeah? Even with a badly informed Labrador? Sorry, Dorothy.
- just go to your room.
Wellmhere are your keys.
So this is it? Seems to be.
- And you're OK? Well.
.
obviously, you don't go out with a person for two years I know.
I'm upset too.
I was going to say without wanting to try out a few other people.
No need to be callous.
- If you want to finish it, fine.
I'll just have to go on with my life, see how things work out with Graham.
With who? - Graham.
Who's Graham? - Oha friend.
What sort of friend? A friend.
You knowfriend.
The talking-to kind or the taking-each-other's-clothes-off kind? I'm not going into it.
- That's great.
You make a commitment, and then you find out they've got a bloody friend.
What's this friend got that I haven't? Well, he doesn't just sit there.
He talks to me.
I talk to you.
- He's sensitive.
I'm sensitive.
- He's a doctor.
I'm sensitive.
Look, perhaps I don't need quite so much time to myself.
I can't bear the thought of not sleeping with you again.
I know.
I'm a bit confused.
- Oh, I know.
Do you love me, noodle? - I love you, donkey.
Hello.
Didn't tell me you had a new friend, Dermot.
We haven't known each other long.
- I'm Deborah.
I bought the flat upstairs.
Hello.
Gary.
Flat downstairs.
Hello.
- Oh, this is, erDorothy, my She's a nurse.
Does anyone know what this is? - Oh, yes.
I immobilised your door.
Total security, see? - I touched it and it fell off.
Yeah, the concept still needs fine-tuning.
It fell onto my foot.
- That's awful.
I'm a nurse.
If anyone needs treatment, I'll give it.
I'm fine.
- Maybe put your foot in a sling.
Thanks, but I have to measure up.
You can't measure up after a serious foot injury.
Have some wine.
Cheers.
So, will you be living in a sharing situation? No.
- Oh.
Do you all Live here? - No.
She Lives with her mother miles away.
So, erit's just you, then, on your own? Yes, at the moment.
Just the one person, then.
Let's run through the numbers again, shall we? So, you bought the upstairs flat, or the flat upstairs, as we call it.
We do, yeah.
Anyone helping you move in? - Yeah, friend of mine's got a van.
I'm afraid there'll be some humping upstairs.
Ooh, madam! - Ooh-hoo-hoo! Well, if you need me, I'm completely here.
Your bathroom's just above my bedroom, so I can hear you taking a shower.
Anyway, tell me about yourselves.
Well, Gary and I have been together for a couple of years.
That's nice.
- We were just off to bed, weren't we, donkey? Ee-yore! Well, we'll get to know each other later.
- Yes.
You drop in any time at all.
Night or day.
- Or dusk.
Actually, I wanted to ask you a favour.
I don't have spare front-door keys.
Could I borrow some from you? Er Oh, Look.
Here are some.
These are for our front door, in case your facilities aren't connected up, and you need to borrow some electricity.
Thanks.
That's kind.
Oh, wait.
I've bought a Little moving-in present.
Oh, thanks! - Chocolates.
They're Belgian.
Never mind.
That's lovely! Brilliant.
Brilliant.
That's absolutely brilliant.
Wait a minute.
I've got a present for you.
Unfortunately, chocolate irritates Gary's bowels.
Oh, dear.
It's so difficult to know what to buy for men.
Gary responds well to anything from a toyshop.
I bought this to give to whoever moved in upstairs.
You think it's appropriate, do you? - Absolutely.
You can read that, then try out some of the ideas on us.
You really didn't have to.
"Let's Make Love - Your Guide To Improbable Sex.
" You don't waste much time, do you? - Right! Thank you.
Dorothy - No.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse us.
It's meant to be a cookery book.
- You are pathetic.
Sorry about my flatmate.
How embarrassing.
Let me take this off you and burn it.
I ought to be going.
- So soon? We must get together sometime.
- For a meal orgo swimming or something She fancies me.
- I reckon she fancies me.