Men in Trees s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Finding a good man is about as easy as finding a cab in a snowstorm on new year's eve.
that's what my mother used to say.
You know what I say? stinkin' thinkin'! yes! Hello, I'm marin frist.
I am a relationship coach.
I've got news for you.
There are plenty of guys out there.
They are not the problem, ladies.
We are.
We are.
We are.
A week ago, I thought I knew it all.
How many of you think that finding "the one" "the one" is gonna make you happy? When did we decide that someone else was in charge of our happiness we don't even trust somebody else to order our soy lattes! Women all over the country thought I knew the secret to finding their man.
I think I was just a good talker.
You wouldn't drive with a blindfold on.
so stop dating with one.
You've got to watch out for the signs.
Is he married? A cheater? Watches gay porn just for variety? they're not changing, ladies.
Detours.
The 24-year-old kid who sells sandwiches in your office? The very hot ex-boyfriend who's never going to commit? Keep movin'! Lose him! You are never going to be able to if he'S you know what? I was happy.
I was getting married.
I'd like you to take my dress as a gift.
We'll send it to you.
Thankso someone else's self-help book and the patch, I had quit smoking.
I was booked at speaking engagements from boston to bould.
that was last week.
oh, thank you.
Hi! Annie! You have got to stop crashing my book parties.
- I just wanted to be the first to have it in paperback -hey, I love your book! So who do I make it out to? Me.
Don't you want to stalk someone a little groovier, like bruce springsteen or something? You make me feel better.
"To annie, stop stalking.
Start dating.
Have hope.
" Ah, finally.
welcome.
We're here to celebrate the paperback release of relationship coach marin frist's second book, "I'm dating and so can you!" and tonight, as her editor, I am thrilled to announce that marin's third book has been optioned, called-fittingly- "I'm getting married and so can you!" Enjoy the free booze.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
It didn't hurt that a "new yorker" columnist gave me a great review.
You can thank me by letting me bum a cigarette.
Oh, I quit.
Graham hates it.
Now I channel my addiction into spinning class.
The things we do for love.
Aw, I wish I had someone to give up vices for.
This being single thing is getting very tired.
Most of the time I can forget it, but then it's the end of a book party, and I have to go and hail a cab alone.
Graham, go hail kiki a cab.
- Gladly.
-Oh! You're a lifesaver.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
You have a 7:00 A.
M.
To alaska tomorrow, so ixnay on the third drink-ay.
Only you, jane, would book me a speaking engagement in alaska.
Oh, I had nothing to do with that one.
But the lecture the next day in seattle- all me.
- "daily news" reporter eyeing you.
Hey, you know the rules - no coaching the editor.
Shut-down gals deserve love, too.
I think we just found the title of your fourth book.
stavros kolidarkos.
Who? - My old neighbor-for kiki.
-Mmm.
That could work.
Most people count sheep.
You count singles.
Calms me down.
Jim friedman.
go to sleep.
if we can have your attention, we'd like to point out our safety features oh, I'm an idiot! - Oh, I took my fiance's computer by mistake.
-Oh.
I overslept.
Never mind.
Well, that's him-graham-and me.
Me again.
Kiki witting? Ooh! She'll have a whiskey.
Straight up.
keep your seatbelts fastened.
We're heading into some pretty heavy turbulence.
hey! Hey ho! Oh, no, I don't mean you're a ho.
I meant like, uh, "hey ho!" oh.
Welcome.
Who are you? Oh, man, I'm so psyched, I forgot to introduce myself.
Patrick bachelor.
Yeah, and don't hold the name ainst me.
I got both your books.
Oh.
Getting my learner's permit to love, you know? Marin frist! Huge! Patrick, have you got a cigarette? No, I do not.
Chapter three, first book - "who is gonna love your body if you don't?" - Ah.
- Yeah.
Thought you had me, huh? Got a lot of luggage.
- That's a great little bag.
-Thanks.
Yeah, I'm kind of a patrick-of-all-trades-radio personality, innkeeper, lover of women.
marin frist this is huge.
This is huger than when tom selleck was up here shooting the cruise line commercial, and that was pretty darn huge.
Marin frist! I've got marin frist here! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (Three dog night's "mama told me mama told me not to come that ain't the way to have fun, no "chivalry isn't dead" - chapter five.
oh, looks like somebody forgot their mukluks.
Here we are, the presidential suite.
Yeah.
Check it out-lincoln.
Right.
hey, would you maybe be a guest on my radio show tomorrow A.
M.
? There's a radio station up here? Well, 10 megahertz.
But when the skies are super clear, you can hear us in poland.
Not that they can, like, understand us or anything.
Yeah.
Okay, sure.
Oh, sweet! You need anything, I'll be downstairs.
Catch some z'S.
You got a big lecture in three hours.
Bye.
are you having an affair with kiki witting? Just say it.
I saw the pictures.
Nice slide show.
Very artistic.
Yes.
Yes artistic, or yes, affair? Don't you ever just feel like you need to breathe? I thought we would do that after we were married.
Which-going out on a limb here- isn't going to be happening.
Is she "it" for you? I don't know.
I just thought she was gonna be a speed bump.
You're using my words to break up with me? You ready to go? She's there.
- In my apartment, there.
-Marin.
Marin.
yeah, we don't have minibars, but we have a fullized one down on front street.
It's the chieftain.
Ah.
hey! uh-oh, what's a poor boy gonna do? Vodka negroni, please.
Refresh my memory.
You have bitters? Nope.
- Triple sec? -Out.
I'll take the vodka.
Coming up.
Make it a double.
I know you.
yeah, I'm marin frist.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, you used to sell pelts at a stand out on route 11.
No.
Oh, yeah, I-I don't know you.
- Leave her alone, jerome.
-What?! - He's not bothering me.
- He will if you let him.
Hmm.
I thought you might be hungry.
- Mm-hmm, I am.
Thanks.
- Oh, that's nice.
It's nice that people still like each other.
Sorry.
Oh, that's original.
what? The old pickup line.
Use a little sprucing up, if you know what I mean.
yeah, I'm not trying to pick you up.
Oh, yeah, you are.
Trust me, I know men.
I'm a relationship coach.
What-coach? What, did we get a ball team? No, I do not have a ball team.
Well, you got balls.
Oh! Ha ha ha.
- You're one of those.
-One of whats? A lookee loo.
You put yourself on cruise control, and you flirt with women, but you never stop and get out of the car.
My name's jack, and I'm - I'm not trying to pick you up.
I'm just trying to get a napkin.
You need one, coach? No, I do not need one, and if I did need one, I could get one for myself.
I don't need a man to get a napkin for me.
in fact, I don't need a man, period.
Yeah.
It's nice meeting you, too.
One more for the road.
Hurry up! We're late.
Yep, we got a full house.
Come on.
Where are the women? We were hoping that you'd kind of help us with that part.
Everybody! Marin frist! Break an antler.
okay.
okay.
okay.
Okay.
Okay! How many of you guys think that finding "the one" is gonna make you happy? When did we decide that someone else was in charge of our happiness? We don't even let somebody else order our soy lattes! Our what? Soy lattes.
It's a coffee drink, you know.
- Oh! -Yeah.
- Yeah.
The point is don't cheat.
Oh, and you gotta look out for the signs, which I didn't, even though it's my job.
uh yes, you.
I don't have a question.
Well, that's good, 'cause I do.
Let's say you're a guy.
Okay.
Okay, and you get engaged to this girl after dating her for a year.
During which time, she's laughed at all your jokes - some of which not so funny.
She's gone to your company picnics-snore- your family dinners-scary.
She's pretty successful.
She's kind.
She's not half bad in the sack.
So why do you not want to marry her? She's no selleck.
here, happy! here, happy! Here, happy! Come here, happy! good boy! great.
I missed my flight.
ah, yes! yes! This is jane.
Leave a message.
um jane you gotta call me.
I graham this is really bad.
call- aah! - Hi.
- Hi.
You may want to keep your side of the bathroom locked.
- My side? - Yeah.
sara.
Only have a half an hour before my shift.
- I need a spinning class.
-Ah, spinning what? Spinning bike.
A spinning bike class.
You sit on a stationary bike, and you bike to music.
- But you don't go anywhere.
-Right.
Yeah, we don't have 'em.
Why would you wanna go for a bike ride and not go anywhere? What's the point? I mean, that's like riding a legless horse, - or like a pogo stick without a stick or- -yeah, I get it.
Wowza.
I'm sorry, and I'm sorry about last night.
I missed my flight, and I really need to get out of here.
Yeah, and you missed my radio show this morning.
Okay.
I'm sorry about that, too.
I had to interview my mom, again.
You really wouldn't want me on the air right now, trust me.
I think I got something for you.
Now the front brakes don't work, and you're gonna need this- bear spray.
Actually, you spray it on the bear, but that'll work.
wow! Whoa! Ah! Sorry.
Sorry.
wow.
oh! sara! So now you're out.
Patrick! Hey! anybody? Whoo-hoo how you doing, coach? Ahem.
I hear you got a 9-1-1.
So is it - oh, what, you're a cop? Uh, fish and game biologist.
The sheriff called me.
Is that what they're wearing in new york these days? All my clothes are in there with the, uh that's a pretty big, possibly rabid, raccoon.
You're gonna want to wait outside.
I'm not leaving that animal alone with my favorite purple faux croc flats.
Well, could be dangerous.
I'm fine.
They go for the neck.
Whatever.
Get all macho.
the deceased.
you can't leave food out, or whatever this bar thing is.
these are very tasty.
I only make one round-trip flight tomorrow- to sitka.
Fine, I'll go to sitka.
Unh-unh, you don't want to go to sitka.
Wrong direction.
Anchorage will get you to hawaii.
What's, uh, what's in hawaii? Oh, she wanted to go there for the honeymoon.
He chose turkey.
He got to choose because she made him take dancing lessons.
I told you all that last night? Yeah, somewhere between the vodka shots and the schnapps.
what kind of a pansy man takes dance lessons? buzz, I just want to get to hawaii and relax, and I'm desperate.
And apparently, you are the only pilot who can fly me tomorrow, so what's it gonna take? How much you got? On me? You're paying for expertise.
Back in 1955, they only hired one black pilot to captain a commercial airliner.
That was you? No, that was august martin.
So I had to come up here to start my own airline- buzz airways- and I'm not sure buzz is flying tomorrow.
I got 200 bucks.
Hmm.
Okay, I'll take you.
Noon sharp.
here, happy! - here, happy! - Good-bye, happy.
I'm going to hawaii.
That's right - hawaii, whe it's warm, and where there are cigarettes.
What are you doing here? That's my line.
You were supposed to be in seattle.
I missed my flight.
Well, that's why I'm here, - to make sure you get on a flight tonight to chicago.
-Oh.
No flight to chicago tonight.
But you're welcome to come with me to anchorage and then to hawaii.
No flight to anchorage, either.
There isn't? Nope.
There's a storm coming in.
Buzz airways is grounded.
Uh, you buying, little lady? Kiki's best friend told my shrink.
Your shrink told you? Yes.
She was upset.
She needed to talk about it.
Oh is this a gay bar? This is the only bar.
This town is filled with men.
They're all over like a bad rash.
They're even in the trees.
Ask me why we're going to chicago.
I booked you on "oprah.
" This is the part where you jump for joy.
I can't do "oprah.
" All you've done for a year is talk about going on "oprah.
" I can't pretend that I know how to find a good man when I can't find one myself.
"Stinkin' thinkin'.
" Everyone has got to stop quoting me to me.
Vodka? Yes.
And what'll it be? Ah, ye I would like a "char-don-nay.
" It's a white wine.
If you like white, I have a jolivet pouilly-fume 2001 that will knock your boots off.
Oh.
Look, you just have to get back on the horse.
You'll start writing a book again, and it'll be okay.
Oh, yeah? And what's the name of the book gonna be- "I'm not getting married in four weeks 'cause he cheated on me, and you can, too"? Mmm, that's a little long.
Ah.
Apparently, I know nothing about men.
Well, maybe you just weren't listening.
Oh, men talk? Oh, you have "dirty harry" syndrome.
What? All I heard was "dirty.
" Every woman thinks that she wants dirty harry- the tough guy, you know, with a big gun, strong and silent.
But really, what's getting you ladies all hot and bothered is clint eastwood, the guy who played dirty harry.
A guy with a gun who'll watch "harry meets sally" with you and cook dinner.
Then you make too many dinners, and you're a pushover.
Cookin' dinner, watching girlie movies what's wrong with you people? women want it all.
We can't give it to you.
So you guys are kind of screwed? - You got it.
-huh.
"Breakups- "how to hammer the dents out and get back on the road.
"You can either lie in bed and mope or get back out there.
"I say, 'take a shower and go out and smile,' "'cause the next guy's not gonna notice you unless you have your brights on.
" I'm totally full of crap.
Well, it's official- no one in alaska reads.
How you doing, coach? Sir, perhaps you'd like to add marin frist's best seller to that stack? - Jane, it's fine.
-She is a world-renowned dating expert.
Yeah, I know.
I was at her, uh, lecture.
Oh.
You know how amazing she is.
Well, I know she can't hold her liquor.
Here.
You know what? I'll take one.
Don't buy my book 'cause you pity me.
Okay.
I am officially pathetic.
No, you're not.
You're going on "oprah.
" Hmm, if I get reception on this thing and get them to push a day.
It's four minutes after the cardinal.
They should be in by now.
Hold down the fort.
marin? Annie?! What are you doing here? I heard about what happened with your fiance.
Of course you did.
I had to take a bus from vancouver.
There's a bus to vancouver?! Once a week.
You just missed it.
"have hope.
" What? That-that's what you wrote in my book, "have hope.
" You you have given me hope, and now I want to give you some.
Annie, that is really sweet and really extreme of you.
You deserve a great guy.
He'll show up, right? I - I mean, I'm still getting my learner's permit to love, and I'm ignoring a lot of the road signs, and there's been a few detours along, but- annie, come on.
Uh, yes.
Come on.
- I'm coming.
-Bye! hey! Sorry.
Hold on.
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
Sorry.
Um oh! Hello? Hello? Yeah, can you - can you hear me? Uh, hold on.
Is that-is that better? Okay, so I-I think I can get her out tomorrow, so if you can rebook on thursday that would be great.
I'll just have my assistant fax you.
no, no, no.
So do we have a deal? lady! Yeah, I am - I am on the phone here! Yeah, well, you gotta move, 'cause I gotta plow! I am not giving up the one corner where I can communicate with the outside world.
Yeah-no, no, no.
No, no, no-fine, I just- you're being very rude! Hey, I'm just doing my job.
So am I, buster.
Name's dave.
What's yours? Not moving.
Suit yourself.
patrick annie.
Annie, patrick.
Hey ho.
Hi.
oh, hey, uh, something came for you today in ben's lemon shipment.
- Yeah, I put it in your room.
-Thanks.
No, doc thank you.
Hey, she's a crackpot, but I dig her.
I'd listen to her read a chinese menu.
I wrote that.
Yeah, in her chat room.
"Alaska dude 123"? Yeah.
"City fannnn.
" Four n'S.
my dress! Oh, no, mister.
Not this time.
yeah, that's right.
Let's take it outside.
yeah, that's pretty much what it looks like.
The door was open.
What at looks like? Marriage.
It's full of a lot more dirt and holes than the fairy tale dress they sell you.
Sara, can I tell you something I've never told anyone? Pretty much got dirt on everyone in this town, so shoot.
All these years, I've sold myself as "the single girl" total lie.
I've never tually been alone since I was 16.
I've always had a guy.
Well, I've never been able to be with someone.
So you're not married anymore? Divorced.
I have a kid.
His dad went A.
W.
O.
L.
To the lower 48, so I try and make ends meet however I can.
Right.
Go ahead, judge me.
I'm not gonna judge you.
I judge me.
I really wanna leave the hospitality business.
It's hard to find a guy who just likes me for me.
Yeah, dating was impossible for me once a guy found out I was a relationship coach, so I would lie and say that I was a computer technician.
how'd that work? Well, pretty good, until he asked me to fix his hard drive.
you have any cigarettes? Cigarettes come in the first of the month on the ferry.
By the end of the month, we're down to chaw.
I'm not that desperate yet.
The guys love it.
I can't stand guys.
You came to the wrong town.
The ratio's like 10 to 1 here.
So men run the place.
Are you kidding? No, we're the ones with the power.
They're lonely.
We're the prize.
It's like shooting fish in aarrel.
Here I've been telling single women to go to sports bars.
I should've been telling them to go to alaska.
Yeah, well, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Ben seems nice - and very into you.
-He better be.
He married me.
Well, we're separated.
Ben wants to get back together, but I want to see what else is out there.
So up here, women get to be men.
Everyone gets to be who they want to be.
where you headed? Anywhere that can sell me a cigarette.
Get in.
What are you running away from? Everything.
When you are lost, you must look to the skies for answers.
Our ancestors are there, in the stars, clouds what if there are no answers? If you don't believe, you'll end up like the frozen girl.
She kept walking, never looked up.
They found her body frozen to death on naknek mountain.
Alone, no teeth fat.
She was still fat after 300 years? That's how fat she was.
Here we go.
Thank you.
hey! What- stop! Stop! Stop! Trust me, I'm trying! aah! didn't you see the "thin ice" signs? no.
And P.
S.
- Seeing signs, not my strong suit.
- What is this? - Observation hut.
What are you observing? I was looking for a nocturnal bear, but instead I found a relationship coach Almost as dangerous.
Oh, m-man, I'm cold.
Yeah, we're getting hypothermic.
But it's too dark to walk across the ice safely.
There's only one way we're gonna make it to morning.
Light a fire? your elbow's in my thank you.
This getting naked for warmth thing better not be some sad attempt to get sex.
I don't want to have sex with you.
- I know all about you lonely alaska guys.
-Oh, yeah.
Well, maybe you should stop thinking in stereotypes.
It's not you.
It's all men.
I just don't want to be around them right now.
Well, that's working out for you.
- Shut up - gladly.
Everything in the right place, coach? wolves.
they're beautiful.
They're mating.
Actually, she's just, uh, rubbing her crap into his fur.
- But then after, you know, maybe they'll they'll get busy.
-Oh.
you're gonna have to drive, coach.
I screwed up my shifting wrist.
I can't.
You have to.
No, I can't drive.
Up, up.
I'm supposed to be teaching people how to drive to happiness, and I don't even have a license.
I know, it's totally lame.
Up until now, a total secret.
Down.
Well, this is a good place to learn- plenty of open space, just a few stoplights, no one around to see you when you hit a tree.
ye, third.
- Yeah, up.
-ah! There you go.
It's okay.
So what's your secret? What you see is what you get.
Can you drop me at the dock? what happened to you? You know what? Don't worry about it.
You can shower in chicago.
here, happy! Happy! Come on, happy! Hey, sit, sit.
I'm not going.
What? What do you mean, you're not going to chicago? I'm not going, period.
Oh, marin, honey you can't stay here.
They don't have a nail place or a-or a spinning class.
I need to breathe and start my book.
About marriage? About men.
But you said you didn't know anything about them.
It's about time I learned.
What do you say we go, ladies? I'm on the clock here.
Oh, marin.
Please be okay.
If you change editors, I'll hunt you down and kill you.
- buzz, can I get a hand here? Thank you.
what'd you put for question four? "E.
" Same here.
The truest thing I know about relationships is that sometimes we don't know anything at all.
And sometimes the one you get may not be the right one at all.
But if you have hope, the universe has a funny way of showing you exactly what you need.
The challenge is to let yourself be alone until the right one shows up.
But you can't hide either.
Heartbreak sucks but not having heartbreak sucks more.
The answers aren't in a lecture or a book.
But maybe if you get yourself happy, you'll find the right one.
I believe this because against all odds, I am still an optimist.
that's the thing about love if it were that easy, everyone would have it.
so you're saying I should be more optimistic? I'm saying you should ask her out.
Oh! All right! Thanks, man! That was A.
J.
From ketchikan.
Thanks for the call, A.
J.
Hold on, you have another caller on line 2 through 20? We haven't had this many callers since I raffled off my mom's salmon smoker.
Oh, okay.
Let's start with line two.
that's what my mother used to say.
You know what I say? stinkin' thinkin'! yes! Hello, I'm marin frist.
I am a relationship coach.
I've got news for you.
There are plenty of guys out there.
They are not the problem, ladies.
We are.
We are.
We are.
A week ago, I thought I knew it all.
How many of you think that finding "the one" "the one" is gonna make you happy? When did we decide that someone else was in charge of our happiness we don't even trust somebody else to order our soy lattes! Women all over the country thought I knew the secret to finding their man.
I think I was just a good talker.
You wouldn't drive with a blindfold on.
so stop dating with one.
You've got to watch out for the signs.
Is he married? A cheater? Watches gay porn just for variety? they're not changing, ladies.
Detours.
The 24-year-old kid who sells sandwiches in your office? The very hot ex-boyfriend who's never going to commit? Keep movin'! Lose him! You are never going to be able to if he'S you know what? I was happy.
I was getting married.
I'd like you to take my dress as a gift.
We'll send it to you.
Thankso someone else's self-help book and the patch, I had quit smoking.
I was booked at speaking engagements from boston to bould.
that was last week.
oh, thank you.
Hi! Annie! You have got to stop crashing my book parties.
- I just wanted to be the first to have it in paperback -hey, I love your book! So who do I make it out to? Me.
Don't you want to stalk someone a little groovier, like bruce springsteen or something? You make me feel better.
"To annie, stop stalking.
Start dating.
Have hope.
" Ah, finally.
welcome.
We're here to celebrate the paperback release of relationship coach marin frist's second book, "I'm dating and so can you!" and tonight, as her editor, I am thrilled to announce that marin's third book has been optioned, called-fittingly- "I'm getting married and so can you!" Enjoy the free booze.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
It didn't hurt that a "new yorker" columnist gave me a great review.
You can thank me by letting me bum a cigarette.
Oh, I quit.
Graham hates it.
Now I channel my addiction into spinning class.
The things we do for love.
Aw, I wish I had someone to give up vices for.
This being single thing is getting very tired.
Most of the time I can forget it, but then it's the end of a book party, and I have to go and hail a cab alone.
Graham, go hail kiki a cab.
- Gladly.
-Oh! You're a lifesaver.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
You have a 7:00 A.
M.
To alaska tomorrow, so ixnay on the third drink-ay.
Only you, jane, would book me a speaking engagement in alaska.
Oh, I had nothing to do with that one.
But the lecture the next day in seattle- all me.
- "daily news" reporter eyeing you.
Hey, you know the rules - no coaching the editor.
Shut-down gals deserve love, too.
I think we just found the title of your fourth book.
stavros kolidarkos.
Who? - My old neighbor-for kiki.
-Mmm.
That could work.
Most people count sheep.
You count singles.
Calms me down.
Jim friedman.
go to sleep.
if we can have your attention, we'd like to point out our safety features oh, I'm an idiot! - Oh, I took my fiance's computer by mistake.
-Oh.
I overslept.
Never mind.
Well, that's him-graham-and me.
Me again.
Kiki witting? Ooh! She'll have a whiskey.
Straight up.
keep your seatbelts fastened.
We're heading into some pretty heavy turbulence.
hey! Hey ho! Oh, no, I don't mean you're a ho.
I meant like, uh, "hey ho!" oh.
Welcome.
Who are you? Oh, man, I'm so psyched, I forgot to introduce myself.
Patrick bachelor.
Yeah, and don't hold the name ainst me.
I got both your books.
Oh.
Getting my learner's permit to love, you know? Marin frist! Huge! Patrick, have you got a cigarette? No, I do not.
Chapter three, first book - "who is gonna love your body if you don't?" - Ah.
- Yeah.
Thought you had me, huh? Got a lot of luggage.
- That's a great little bag.
-Thanks.
Yeah, I'm kind of a patrick-of-all-trades-radio personality, innkeeper, lover of women.
marin frist this is huge.
This is huger than when tom selleck was up here shooting the cruise line commercial, and that was pretty darn huge.
Marin frist! I've got marin frist here! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (Three dog night's "mama told me mama told me not to come that ain't the way to have fun, no "chivalry isn't dead" - chapter five.
oh, looks like somebody forgot their mukluks.
Here we are, the presidential suite.
Yeah.
Check it out-lincoln.
Right.
hey, would you maybe be a guest on my radio show tomorrow A.
M.
? There's a radio station up here? Well, 10 megahertz.
But when the skies are super clear, you can hear us in poland.
Not that they can, like, understand us or anything.
Yeah.
Okay, sure.
Oh, sweet! You need anything, I'll be downstairs.
Catch some z'S.
You got a big lecture in three hours.
Bye.
are you having an affair with kiki witting? Just say it.
I saw the pictures.
Nice slide show.
Very artistic.
Yes.
Yes artistic, or yes, affair? Don't you ever just feel like you need to breathe? I thought we would do that after we were married.
Which-going out on a limb here- isn't going to be happening.
Is she "it" for you? I don't know.
I just thought she was gonna be a speed bump.
You're using my words to break up with me? You ready to go? She's there.
- In my apartment, there.
-Marin.
Marin.
yeah, we don't have minibars, but we have a fullized one down on front street.
It's the chieftain.
Ah.
hey! uh-oh, what's a poor boy gonna do? Vodka negroni, please.
Refresh my memory.
You have bitters? Nope.
- Triple sec? -Out.
I'll take the vodka.
Coming up.
Make it a double.
I know you.
yeah, I'm marin frist.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, you used to sell pelts at a stand out on route 11.
No.
Oh, yeah, I-I don't know you.
- Leave her alone, jerome.
-What?! - He's not bothering me.
- He will if you let him.
Hmm.
I thought you might be hungry.
- Mm-hmm, I am.
Thanks.
- Oh, that's nice.
It's nice that people still like each other.
Sorry.
Oh, that's original.
what? The old pickup line.
Use a little sprucing up, if you know what I mean.
yeah, I'm not trying to pick you up.
Oh, yeah, you are.
Trust me, I know men.
I'm a relationship coach.
What-coach? What, did we get a ball team? No, I do not have a ball team.
Well, you got balls.
Oh! Ha ha ha.
- You're one of those.
-One of whats? A lookee loo.
You put yourself on cruise control, and you flirt with women, but you never stop and get out of the car.
My name's jack, and I'm - I'm not trying to pick you up.
I'm just trying to get a napkin.
You need one, coach? No, I do not need one, and if I did need one, I could get one for myself.
I don't need a man to get a napkin for me.
in fact, I don't need a man, period.
Yeah.
It's nice meeting you, too.
One more for the road.
Hurry up! We're late.
Yep, we got a full house.
Come on.
Where are the women? We were hoping that you'd kind of help us with that part.
Everybody! Marin frist! Break an antler.
okay.
okay.
okay.
Okay.
Okay! How many of you guys think that finding "the one" is gonna make you happy? When did we decide that someone else was in charge of our happiness? We don't even let somebody else order our soy lattes! Our what? Soy lattes.
It's a coffee drink, you know.
- Oh! -Yeah.
- Yeah.
The point is don't cheat.
Oh, and you gotta look out for the signs, which I didn't, even though it's my job.
uh yes, you.
I don't have a question.
Well, that's good, 'cause I do.
Let's say you're a guy.
Okay.
Okay, and you get engaged to this girl after dating her for a year.
During which time, she's laughed at all your jokes - some of which not so funny.
She's gone to your company picnics-snore- your family dinners-scary.
She's pretty successful.
She's kind.
She's not half bad in the sack.
So why do you not want to marry her? She's no selleck.
here, happy! here, happy! Here, happy! Come here, happy! good boy! great.
I missed my flight.
ah, yes! yes! This is jane.
Leave a message.
um jane you gotta call me.
I graham this is really bad.
call- aah! - Hi.
- Hi.
You may want to keep your side of the bathroom locked.
- My side? - Yeah.
sara.
Only have a half an hour before my shift.
- I need a spinning class.
-Ah, spinning what? Spinning bike.
A spinning bike class.
You sit on a stationary bike, and you bike to music.
- But you don't go anywhere.
-Right.
Yeah, we don't have 'em.
Why would you wanna go for a bike ride and not go anywhere? What's the point? I mean, that's like riding a legless horse, - or like a pogo stick without a stick or- -yeah, I get it.
Wowza.
I'm sorry, and I'm sorry about last night.
I missed my flight, and I really need to get out of here.
Yeah, and you missed my radio show this morning.
Okay.
I'm sorry about that, too.
I had to interview my mom, again.
You really wouldn't want me on the air right now, trust me.
I think I got something for you.
Now the front brakes don't work, and you're gonna need this- bear spray.
Actually, you spray it on the bear, but that'll work.
wow! Whoa! Ah! Sorry.
Sorry.
wow.
oh! sara! So now you're out.
Patrick! Hey! anybody? Whoo-hoo how you doing, coach? Ahem.
I hear you got a 9-1-1.
So is it - oh, what, you're a cop? Uh, fish and game biologist.
The sheriff called me.
Is that what they're wearing in new york these days? All my clothes are in there with the, uh that's a pretty big, possibly rabid, raccoon.
You're gonna want to wait outside.
I'm not leaving that animal alone with my favorite purple faux croc flats.
Well, could be dangerous.
I'm fine.
They go for the neck.
Whatever.
Get all macho.
the deceased.
you can't leave food out, or whatever this bar thing is.
these are very tasty.
I only make one round-trip flight tomorrow- to sitka.
Fine, I'll go to sitka.
Unh-unh, you don't want to go to sitka.
Wrong direction.
Anchorage will get you to hawaii.
What's, uh, what's in hawaii? Oh, she wanted to go there for the honeymoon.
He chose turkey.
He got to choose because she made him take dancing lessons.
I told you all that last night? Yeah, somewhere between the vodka shots and the schnapps.
what kind of a pansy man takes dance lessons? buzz, I just want to get to hawaii and relax, and I'm desperate.
And apparently, you are the only pilot who can fly me tomorrow, so what's it gonna take? How much you got? On me? You're paying for expertise.
Back in 1955, they only hired one black pilot to captain a commercial airliner.
That was you? No, that was august martin.
So I had to come up here to start my own airline- buzz airways- and I'm not sure buzz is flying tomorrow.
I got 200 bucks.
Hmm.
Okay, I'll take you.
Noon sharp.
here, happy! - here, happy! - Good-bye, happy.
I'm going to hawaii.
That's right - hawaii, whe it's warm, and where there are cigarettes.
What are you doing here? That's my line.
You were supposed to be in seattle.
I missed my flight.
Well, that's why I'm here, - to make sure you get on a flight tonight to chicago.
-Oh.
No flight to chicago tonight.
But you're welcome to come with me to anchorage and then to hawaii.
No flight to anchorage, either.
There isn't? Nope.
There's a storm coming in.
Buzz airways is grounded.
Uh, you buying, little lady? Kiki's best friend told my shrink.
Your shrink told you? Yes.
She was upset.
She needed to talk about it.
Oh is this a gay bar? This is the only bar.
This town is filled with men.
They're all over like a bad rash.
They're even in the trees.
Ask me why we're going to chicago.
I booked you on "oprah.
" This is the part where you jump for joy.
I can't do "oprah.
" All you've done for a year is talk about going on "oprah.
" I can't pretend that I know how to find a good man when I can't find one myself.
"Stinkin' thinkin'.
" Everyone has got to stop quoting me to me.
Vodka? Yes.
And what'll it be? Ah, ye I would like a "char-don-nay.
" It's a white wine.
If you like white, I have a jolivet pouilly-fume 2001 that will knock your boots off.
Oh.
Look, you just have to get back on the horse.
You'll start writing a book again, and it'll be okay.
Oh, yeah? And what's the name of the book gonna be- "I'm not getting married in four weeks 'cause he cheated on me, and you can, too"? Mmm, that's a little long.
Ah.
Apparently, I know nothing about men.
Well, maybe you just weren't listening.
Oh, men talk? Oh, you have "dirty harry" syndrome.
What? All I heard was "dirty.
" Every woman thinks that she wants dirty harry- the tough guy, you know, with a big gun, strong and silent.
But really, what's getting you ladies all hot and bothered is clint eastwood, the guy who played dirty harry.
A guy with a gun who'll watch "harry meets sally" with you and cook dinner.
Then you make too many dinners, and you're a pushover.
Cookin' dinner, watching girlie movies what's wrong with you people? women want it all.
We can't give it to you.
So you guys are kind of screwed? - You got it.
-huh.
"Breakups- "how to hammer the dents out and get back on the road.
"You can either lie in bed and mope or get back out there.
"I say, 'take a shower and go out and smile,' "'cause the next guy's not gonna notice you unless you have your brights on.
" I'm totally full of crap.
Well, it's official- no one in alaska reads.
How you doing, coach? Sir, perhaps you'd like to add marin frist's best seller to that stack? - Jane, it's fine.
-She is a world-renowned dating expert.
Yeah, I know.
I was at her, uh, lecture.
Oh.
You know how amazing she is.
Well, I know she can't hold her liquor.
Here.
You know what? I'll take one.
Don't buy my book 'cause you pity me.
Okay.
I am officially pathetic.
No, you're not.
You're going on "oprah.
" Hmm, if I get reception on this thing and get them to push a day.
It's four minutes after the cardinal.
They should be in by now.
Hold down the fort.
marin? Annie?! What are you doing here? I heard about what happened with your fiance.
Of course you did.
I had to take a bus from vancouver.
There's a bus to vancouver?! Once a week.
You just missed it.
"have hope.
" What? That-that's what you wrote in my book, "have hope.
" You you have given me hope, and now I want to give you some.
Annie, that is really sweet and really extreme of you.
You deserve a great guy.
He'll show up, right? I - I mean, I'm still getting my learner's permit to love, and I'm ignoring a lot of the road signs, and there's been a few detours along, but- annie, come on.
Uh, yes.
Come on.
- I'm coming.
-Bye! hey! Sorry.
Hold on.
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
Sorry.
Um oh! Hello? Hello? Yeah, can you - can you hear me? Uh, hold on.
Is that-is that better? Okay, so I-I think I can get her out tomorrow, so if you can rebook on thursday that would be great.
I'll just have my assistant fax you.
no, no, no.
So do we have a deal? lady! Yeah, I am - I am on the phone here! Yeah, well, you gotta move, 'cause I gotta plow! I am not giving up the one corner where I can communicate with the outside world.
Yeah-no, no, no.
No, no, no-fine, I just- you're being very rude! Hey, I'm just doing my job.
So am I, buster.
Name's dave.
What's yours? Not moving.
Suit yourself.
patrick annie.
Annie, patrick.
Hey ho.
Hi.
oh, hey, uh, something came for you today in ben's lemon shipment.
- Yeah, I put it in your room.
-Thanks.
No, doc thank you.
Hey, she's a crackpot, but I dig her.
I'd listen to her read a chinese menu.
I wrote that.
Yeah, in her chat room.
"Alaska dude 123"? Yeah.
"City fannnn.
" Four n'S.
my dress! Oh, no, mister.
Not this time.
yeah, that's right.
Let's take it outside.
yeah, that's pretty much what it looks like.
The door was open.
What at looks like? Marriage.
It's full of a lot more dirt and holes than the fairy tale dress they sell you.
Sara, can I tell you something I've never told anyone? Pretty much got dirt on everyone in this town, so shoot.
All these years, I've sold myself as "the single girl" total lie.
I've never tually been alone since I was 16.
I've always had a guy.
Well, I've never been able to be with someone.
So you're not married anymore? Divorced.
I have a kid.
His dad went A.
W.
O.
L.
To the lower 48, so I try and make ends meet however I can.
Right.
Go ahead, judge me.
I'm not gonna judge you.
I judge me.
I really wanna leave the hospitality business.
It's hard to find a guy who just likes me for me.
Yeah, dating was impossible for me once a guy found out I was a relationship coach, so I would lie and say that I was a computer technician.
how'd that work? Well, pretty good, until he asked me to fix his hard drive.
you have any cigarettes? Cigarettes come in the first of the month on the ferry.
By the end of the month, we're down to chaw.
I'm not that desperate yet.
The guys love it.
I can't stand guys.
You came to the wrong town.
The ratio's like 10 to 1 here.
So men run the place.
Are you kidding? No, we're the ones with the power.
They're lonely.
We're the prize.
It's like shooting fish in aarrel.
Here I've been telling single women to go to sports bars.
I should've been telling them to go to alaska.
Yeah, well, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Ben seems nice - and very into you.
-He better be.
He married me.
Well, we're separated.
Ben wants to get back together, but I want to see what else is out there.
So up here, women get to be men.
Everyone gets to be who they want to be.
where you headed? Anywhere that can sell me a cigarette.
Get in.
What are you running away from? Everything.
When you are lost, you must look to the skies for answers.
Our ancestors are there, in the stars, clouds what if there are no answers? If you don't believe, you'll end up like the frozen girl.
She kept walking, never looked up.
They found her body frozen to death on naknek mountain.
Alone, no teeth fat.
She was still fat after 300 years? That's how fat she was.
Here we go.
Thank you.
hey! What- stop! Stop! Stop! Trust me, I'm trying! aah! didn't you see the "thin ice" signs? no.
And P.
S.
- Seeing signs, not my strong suit.
- What is this? - Observation hut.
What are you observing? I was looking for a nocturnal bear, but instead I found a relationship coach Almost as dangerous.
Oh, m-man, I'm cold.
Yeah, we're getting hypothermic.
But it's too dark to walk across the ice safely.
There's only one way we're gonna make it to morning.
Light a fire? your elbow's in my thank you.
This getting naked for warmth thing better not be some sad attempt to get sex.
I don't want to have sex with you.
- I know all about you lonely alaska guys.
-Oh, yeah.
Well, maybe you should stop thinking in stereotypes.
It's not you.
It's all men.
I just don't want to be around them right now.
Well, that's working out for you.
- Shut up - gladly.
Everything in the right place, coach? wolves.
they're beautiful.
They're mating.
Actually, she's just, uh, rubbing her crap into his fur.
- But then after, you know, maybe they'll they'll get busy.
-Oh.
you're gonna have to drive, coach.
I screwed up my shifting wrist.
I can't.
You have to.
No, I can't drive.
Up, up.
I'm supposed to be teaching people how to drive to happiness, and I don't even have a license.
I know, it's totally lame.
Up until now, a total secret.
Down.
Well, this is a good place to learn- plenty of open space, just a few stoplights, no one around to see you when you hit a tree.
ye, third.
- Yeah, up.
-ah! There you go.
It's okay.
So what's your secret? What you see is what you get.
Can you drop me at the dock? what happened to you? You know what? Don't worry about it.
You can shower in chicago.
here, happy! Happy! Come on, happy! Hey, sit, sit.
I'm not going.
What? What do you mean, you're not going to chicago? I'm not going, period.
Oh, marin, honey you can't stay here.
They don't have a nail place or a-or a spinning class.
I need to breathe and start my book.
About marriage? About men.
But you said you didn't know anything about them.
It's about time I learned.
What do you say we go, ladies? I'm on the clock here.
Oh, marin.
Please be okay.
If you change editors, I'll hunt you down and kill you.
- buzz, can I get a hand here? Thank you.
what'd you put for question four? "E.
" Same here.
The truest thing I know about relationships is that sometimes we don't know anything at all.
And sometimes the one you get may not be the right one at all.
But if you have hope, the universe has a funny way of showing you exactly what you need.
The challenge is to let yourself be alone until the right one shows up.
But you can't hide either.
Heartbreak sucks but not having heartbreak sucks more.
The answers aren't in a lecture or a book.
But maybe if you get yourself happy, you'll find the right one.
I believe this because against all odds, I am still an optimist.
that's the thing about love if it were that easy, everyone would have it.
so you're saying I should be more optimistic? I'm saying you should ask her out.
Oh! All right! Thanks, man! That was A.
J.
From ketchikan.
Thanks for the call, A.
J.
Hold on, you have another caller on line 2 through 20? We haven't had this many callers since I raffled off my mom's salmon smoker.
Oh, okay.
Let's start with line two.