Merry Happy Whatever (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Oh, it's so cold.
It's like a thousand needles poking into you.
It finally feels like Christmas.
I can't believe you grew up with this.
Is this Philly or the ice planet Hoth? Yeah, listen.
Uh, when you first meet my dad, maybe cool it with the Star Wars talk.
Just until he gets to know you.
And then - I don't know, maybe also after.
- Aww.
You're so cute when you're trying to hide who I am.
Emmy, I got this.
I know.
Just I want him to love you as much as I love you.
Okay.
Well, my dad said he'd be here at 8:45, and it's 8:40 five.
Hey! There he is! - Hey, Dad! Merry almost-Christmas! - Mmm.
Welcome home, sweetie! This must be Matt.
Hey.
Good to finally meet you in person.
How was the flight? Ah, you know, red-eyes are tough.
Always hard to get much sleep.
I can sleep anywhere.
I trained my body to sleep through air strikes when I led a platoon in Desert Storm.
Wow.
I just take half an Ambien and drink red wine.
Your thing's cooler.
Mixing drugs and alcohol.
Interesting.
Okay! Here we go.
Let's - All right.
- Yeah.
Oh, you got your ax.
So, how's your band? - Had any gigs? - Oh.
A few.
Mostly still paying our dues.
Uh-huh.
Paying dues, not rent, huh? Just kidding ya.
Good one.
Oh, look at me, back of a cop car.
It's like I'm a perp, you know, and you're the Oh! I feel like a bad boy back here.
Oh, dang it.
I left my mittens on the plane.
Hey, Em.
You remember my buddy, Ted Boseman? - No.
- Oh, yeah you do.
Anyway, I ran into him at church last Sunday, and it turns out he's kind of a big deal here at D&P Financial.
And he wants to chat with you about opportunities right here in Philly.
- Oh.
- What, you mean like her move back here? Seat belt, please.
Dad, I already have a finance job in LA, where I live with the guy that I love.
- How are you doing back there, sweetie? - Bulletproof glass is hard.
Yeah, forget I mentioned it.
But, uh Ah, keep it in mind.
Got the Christmas lights out, ready to go.
Love it.
Love it.
We put our lights up today, and we take them down on New Year's Day.
Emmy's mom, she had a rule.
Ten days, that's it.
This ain't Las Vegas.
Everybody's coming over tonight for the Quinn family house lighting.
Tradition's my dad's favorite thing.
Right up there with Law & Order.
The show and the thing.
Our house lighting, tree trimming, caroling, midnight mass, Christmas brunch, Christmas dinner, a sensible New Year's Eve celebration.
The world might change The Quinns never will.
Remember when you asked why I moved across the country? Here it is! The house that made all this.
This is nice.
I want the full tour, - but can I take a quick nap? - Yeah.
I just want to be on my game when I meet the Oh, my God! The prodigal sister returns.
Give me hugs, come here! I want them! Oh! Matt, this is my sister Patsy and her husband Todd.
Mr.
Rock 'n' Roller.
Coming in for a hug.
I'm a hugger.
Okay.
- Thanks for coming over to welcome us.
- Oh, your dad said we had to.
And I said, "Heck, I want to.
" So, who's hungry? I'm making eggies like Mom used to make.
Not as good, obviously.
But not bad, if I do say so myself.
And I do! Please have an eggie.
- We arrested a mall Santa last night.
- Mm.
He lost a toe breaking into Victoria's Secret.
Nancy, the nurse at the hospital, she says, "Somebody just made his own naughty list.
" She's a hoot.
Oh.
Well, there'll be coal in his lace stocking, huh? Want to go get some sleep, Matt? I really do.
- Well, look who's here from Hollyweird.
- Hi! Oh.
Matt, this is my brother Sean, his wife Joy.
- Hey, Matt! - Sean Jr.
Hi! Donny.
Oh, Baby Margie! There'll be a test on these names later.
Not really.
My name's easy.
You look at me, what do you see? Joy.
Donny, stop playing with the knives.
Sean Jr.
, you are getting so big.
You look like you could be an Avenger.
You don't need to do that.
Yeah! He's in a fun new phase.
So, Matt.
LA boy.
You a Rams fan? Uh, I don't really like football.
I love it.
You know, Super Bowls, touchdowns, just all of it.
Tom Brady.
I mean, he's one of 'em.
You got me.
I was like, "Uh-oh, Em got a dud.
" Pats, we doing eggies? Yeah.
- Which way is the bathroom? - Right there.
You know, it's just It's pee.
He seems nice.
But is he worth staying in California, with all the earthquakes and the fires and Californians? At least admit that it was inconsiderate.
Oh, my God.
It's not that big of a deal, Alan.
I just wish you'd shown me the Christmas card before mailing them to everyone we know.
Great! You can be in charge next year.
- Good! - Awesome! - Fantastic! - Can you double-cheese that thing? Hi, sis.
Sorry we're late.
Someone only started caring about the Christmas cards after I mailed them out this morning.
Gosh, who could "someone" be? How do we crack that code? Who wants an eggie? Kayla, Alan? You want an eggie? - I want a divorce.
- What? - What? - What? Okay, I'm sorry I didn't show you the cards.
Now, can we please move on? No.
I I want a divorce.
I didn't mean for it to come out like this, but you have to admit we're not happy.
You're leaving me? Now? Well, there's not really a good time.
Yes, there is.
When you die.
That's when you leave, Alan.
Till death do us part.
Death, Alan, not Christmas.
Hey.
Let me guess.
Kayla and Alan.
Patsy, I think I'm ready for that name test.
Oh.
We fight every day.
We haven't had sex in a year! I can't believe you're talking about this in front of my entire family.
And that guy.
You're with your entire family all the time.
Everything happens in front of them, and because of them.
We're the reason you're bailing on your marriage? We're the problem? We're delightful.
Kay.
We don't have kids.
So, yeah, I think it's best to rip the Band-Aid off and move on.
And Don, did you just unsnap the holster of your service revolver? If you want to leave, then go.
Now.
Back door, buddy.
Your mom's eggies? Always too salty.
No wonder he didn't want our cards to go out.
"Happy Holidays from Kayla and Alan?" It was a lie.
Honey, uh You put "Happy Holidays," not "Merry Christmas?" Oh, Dad.
He means that we love you - and we're here for you.
- Yes.
Honey.
- Of course.
- What am I gonna do? I woke up this morning and everything was fine, and now Now, I don't even want to go home.
But you could stay here.
As long as you want.
This will always be your home.
Yeah.
And I'll be here.
Ooh, it'll be just like the old days.
I'm sorry, Mom.
A Quinn getting divorced.
I don't know what happened.
Well? Hug me! Okay.
Oh, Jesus! Sorry.
- What are you guys doing? - Nothing.
Just this eggnog went bad.
Yeah, it's just a bad - nog situation.
- Oh.
Looked like you were pouring one out to someone.
No.
No.
No.
I feel so bad for Kayla.
Yeah.
But you know Two sides to every story.
Alan has his issues, but Kayla can be a bit of a - Pill.
- A big pill.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
You know, I-I like getting the in-laws take on this stuff, 'cause I'm hoping to be one of you guys soon.
I'm gonna ask Emmy to marry me.
Christmas morning.
Hmm.
We need to tell him.
- No, we can't trust him.
- He needs to know.
Obviously, I can hear you.
Hi.
Okay, look.
Emmy's great.
You guys should totally get married.
Just do it far away from here.
LA's good.
Hawaii's better.
Guam is still America.
- I don't know what happened.
- B b be cool.
- We're here for you.
- Of course.
We were pouring one out.
To Alan.
We have a sort of support group.
Support group for what? The people who married into this family.
The Quinns are great.
But when they're together, which is almost every day Pizza Fridays, Sunday brunches, pop-ins, stop-bys, meetups, hangouts.
Don has a saying: "There's the Quinn way and the wrong way.
" How to spend your money.
How to vote.
Where to vacation.
- What kind of soda to drink.
- Pepsi.
It's always got to be Pepsi.
And our spouses think the Quinn way is normal.
But it's like a cult.
A G-rated cult.
So we, uh We secretly meet at this bar, Otto's.
Just to talk stuff out.
And the family will never catch us there because Quinns don't drink.
Don says alcohol is a crutch, which I guess is true, but also, you know, shut up.
We, uh, call ourselves the Outlaw In-laws.
- No, we don't.
Todd does.
- It's good.
Outlaw In-laws! Thanks.
But Emmy's not like that at all.
She drinks Coke and alcohol.
That's because she's been away.
But in the four or five days you're here, she'll get sucked back in.
We're here for ten days.
- Oh, Lord.
- Oh, you poor bastard.
Hey.
Hmm? I'm so glad you're here.
Me too.
How do you think I'm doing so far? Great.
In fact, you'd better pace yourself with all that charm.
We still got a lot of trip left.
Oh, well, I have a lot of charm left.
With razzle-dazzle to spare.
Can I take a nap now? - Oh, look.
- Oh! The lovebirds.
Hey, Kayla.
How you feelin'? Sad.
Angry.
Confused.
A little hungry.
Well, how about a little food for the soul? Any requests? Do you know the song "Not Now" by you? So, Matt.
Kayla and I shared this room when we were kids.
- Yeah.
Now it's her and you.
- Yeah.
I just keep getting cut out of people's lives.
Oh, well Do you want to stay in here with me tonight? Matt could take the spare room.
Right, Matt? Oh, yes.
That would make me feel so much better.
- Oh, good.
- Thank you.
Aww.
Oh, you want me to go now? - Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
Man, puberty hit the Keller kids hard.
- Hey, can I talk to you guys? - Sure, sweetie.
Oh, a sit-down talk.
You're not pregnant, are you? So I know you've been wondering why I've been all, like, quiet lately.
I've been trying to figure out how to tell you.
I, um I have these feelings.
In me.
I tried talking myself out of it, feeling this way, but it's who I am.
Sorry, go ahead.
Or we could do this later.
Up to you.
You want to do it later? No.
I wanted you to know that I'm I'm an atheist.
Oh, we love you no matter What? He's an atheist.
I thought he was gonna say I'm having more water.
I was nervous to tell you 'cause you raised me all Catholic and I didn't want to upset you.
Oh, we're not upset.
Right, Sean? Unh-unh.
Oh.
So, do I tell Poppy Don I'm not going to church on Christmas Eve, or should you? How's that now? I mean, obviously I'm not gonna go and just pretend to believe in God.
Right.
No.
Obviously not.
Kayla, guess what I did to make you feel better.
Invented a time machine and undid all my life choices.
Almost.
Um, yeah.
I, uh, dug up Mom's old Christmas cookie cutters, and Ta-da! They remind me of Mom.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't think that - I still want them.
Hey, um You don't need to keep trying to be Mom for her.
Yeah.
- Gonna keep trying to be Mom for her? - So much.
This is going to look great.
I mean, that angel is angelic.
It goes on the roof.
Represents Emmy's mom, looking down on all of us.
Wow.
Yeah, we've had this house lighting tradition for years.
We let the grandkids flip on the lights.
We sing carols, drink hot cider.
Oh, I love hot cider.
People are always coming up to me, like, "Hot chocolate rules.
" I'm like, "Get away, dude.
No way.
I'm a cider guy.
Hot cider for me, thanks.
" We're gonna have hot chocolate, too.
Also really good.
Hmm.
Anyway I'm in love with your daughter, Mr.
Quinn.
And when a man loves a woman who has a father traditionally uh Are you asking for my blessing to marry Emmy? Oh.
Uh Yes, I-I was.
I am.
You are the first of my three daughters' suitors to have the guts to do this.
I really appreciate it.
Oh You are quite welcome.
Which makes it that much harder to say no.
You know, after this whole Alan thing, I just realized I got to be more careful about who I let into this family.
But thanks for asking.
It means a lot.
Not enough, but a lot.
So he stomped on your hopes and dreams.
Welcome to the club, buddy.
I don't need his permission to ask, you know? I was just trying to be a gentleman.
See, that's why I didn't ask for permission to marry Patsy.
Lost his respect, but avoided his wrath.
Wassup! Like I said, hold off on asking Emmy to marry you on this trip.
But Christmas is the perfect time.
You know what? He thinks he can intimidate me.
But when I want something, I go for it.
I just need to prove to him that I'm good enough.
No.
Not good enough.
Perfect.
- He's like a hurt baby duck.
- Mm-hmm.
You want to help, but maybe it's best to let him waddle into the bushes - and die.
- Oh.
Still got it.
Oh, God.
Hey.
Just wanted to check in, see if you needed any help.
I want to show you that I'm a, uh a, uh a vessel of dependability.
A vessel of Are you high, rock star? 'Cause you know I can still bust you for that.
This ain't LA.
Or Colorado.
Or Maine, or Alaska, or Good Lord, it'd take less time to tell you the good states.
Matt? What are you doing up there? Just, uh, helping your dad with the lights.
Oh.
Dad, do you want help? Sure don't.
Matt, come on, we're making a fire.
Come watch Elf with me and Kayla.
No! My family's gonna be here in an hour.
It's best to just let my dad do things his way.
The Quinn way.
Actually, I didn't know it was that late.
I'm gonna need some help to finish in time.
Oh! Great.
I'll stay.
I am here for you.
All right.
On the roof.
Which is actually a lot higher than you'd think.
I got a bad feeling about this.
Hey, nice.
That's a line from Star Wars.
It's actually repeated in many of the, uh Oh, you don't care.
You know, this is actually still a little crooked.
- Let me fix it real quick.
- Hey.
We still have a lot to do.
I hear you, Mr.
Quinn.
But as an artist, - I have an eye for these things.
- Hey, look! I know you probably hate the term "artist.
" No, no! Look! Look! - Sorry.
Sorry! - Don't stomp on her! That's my wife! Whoa.
Whoa! Wait.
Oh, my Oh, my God, it's sticking right in you.
Oh, look at it.
Look at it! Look! I can't.
It's in my forehead.
Ohh.
You are definitely tougher than our nine-toed Santa.
Well that's the nice part about getting shot early in my career, Nancy.
Any pain after that is just playing for second.
My son was ten pounds at birth.
Every pain since, I'm like, "If it ain't a giant baby being yanked out of me, bring it.
" This kid staples me in the head and he's the one who faints.
I can't believe this is the one my daughter brings home.
Look, Mr.
Quinn.
Don.
I know you're used to getting your way, but you Oh, my God.
Is that sticking in your brain?! Help me, help He's a bigger pain than a ten-pound baby.
You're such a hoot.
You're all alone on the holidays, too.
Aunt Kayla's talking to a fish.
It's been a long day, bud.
Where'd Sean Jr.
go? He's talking to my dad.
I knew I shouldn't have brought him.
You don't think he's gonna tell him he's an atheist when he's in the hospital, do you? I actually think we should be proud of Sean Jr.
for not hiding who he is.
Maybe everybody shouldn't have to tiptoe around your dad.
Kayla's talking to a fish and she seems less crazy than you right now.
I tried to be there for Kayla like Mom would've, but everything I did today just made her feel worse.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for it.
Being a mom.
I know it's taking longer than we thought, but it's gonna happen.
Okay? And when it does, you're gonna be great.
All right? Now Aunt Kayla's stealing the fish.
Our kid will be easier than her.
Hey, bud.
I saw you talking to Poppy Don in there.
That's fun.
I decided not to tell him.
Oh, thank God.
We're good.
Okay.
I'm gonna go put my face against some cold glass.
Sweetie, you know you don't have to be afraid to tell Poppy Don the truth, right? No, I'm not.
I went in there to tell him.
Then I asked how he was doing.
And he said he knew he'd be fine because Grammy Margaret was up in heaven watching over him and all of us.
I just couldn't do it to the guy.
Well, I guess Dad's house lighting is canceled.
This is just The nurse is making me.
I see what you're trying to do.
Fighting for Emmy.
I'm just doing the same thing.
Hey, so we have loving Emmy in common.
That's something, right? In that it makes us opponents? Okay.
Did you finish your juice? Yes.
No.
When you're finished, you're clear to go.
You, on the other hand, your heart rate's a bit elevated.
So I get to keep you a little longer.
Well guess there's worse things.
You, uh You like her.
Who? Nancy? No.
Uh, I like her as someone that I work with, but I don't like her like her.
I mean But even if I did, it's only been three years since my wife died.
And, uh, again, I don't like her.
And why am I explaining myself to you? Let's get you out of here.
Okay, Donny.
Hot cider for you, sir.
You couldn't be home for the lights, so I figured we bring the lights to you.
This is something.
I bet Mom's looking down and smiling.
You guys did all this for them? Eh, this family's a pain in the butt, but they're our pain in the butt.
- But yeah, they are a pain in the butt.
- Such a pain in the butt.
Yeah.
Sorry it's been so crazy.
Oh, at least it's going by quick.
We've already been here, what? Three, four days? - Twelve hours.
- Oh, God.
Oh, hi.
Look at you two.
Matching bracelets.
Bracelet buddies.
Don't ruin it.
Uh you know what would make this perfect? If you'd just agree to meet with Ted Boseman.
- Oh, God.
- Not to take a job, just to chat.
You know, as a favor to an old man who just got staple-gunned in the head.
Okay.
Okay.
Stop bugging me and I'll do it.
Mmm.
It's beginning to look a lot Like Christmas - Wait.
- Everywhere I go So you are going to meet with that guy? Oh, just to get my dad off my back.
Seriously, don't worry.
With candy canes And silver lanes aglow Worry.
Seriously.
Don always gets his way.
- The Quinn way.
- Definitely.
Toys in every store But the prettiest sight to see I wonder what would happen if we could somehow loosen Don up a bit.
I mean, that'd be good for all of us, right? The Quinns and Quinn-laws.
Quinn-laws.
Oh, that's good.
He's good.
Hey, Ted.
Emmy has agreed to meet with you.
Now, all you have to do is just make her a job offer that she can't refuse, and you will have paid me back for not arresting you for drunk and disorderly, and attempting to intoxicate a police horse.
Yeah.
That was a heck of a Thanksgiving night you had there, Ted.
Right within your heart