Metalocalypse (2006) s01e01 Episode Script
The Curse of Dethklok
I am a gear in the wheel of the clock.
I fear not my mortality.
Approach us.
Everything to your liking, my lords? Are you aware of the fate of our last restaurant helicopter chef? - His face was - His face was smashed! Yes, I know.
He slipped his hand and face on the hovercraft.
Hovercraft.
- Hov - Homo - Hovercraft.
- Hold me.
Hovercraft.
Hovercraft.
They're trying to tell you the guy got his face smashed into a hovercraft.
That's what they're trying to tell you.
- Yes, I know.
- And then, from the sorrow - He blow his brain in.
- He blow his brain out.
- Whatever.
- Out.
It'd make a great album cover.
Yeah, all of our chefs, they has died a horrible death.
What of that's do you think? I would rather have my brains scooped out with a melon baller than to miss the opportunity to deliver the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok.
Sorry, we are chewing through a few thousand doves up here.
Don't worry, these rotors will grind them into paste in no time.
From the prime minister of Norway.
There are several cases.
The finest wine.
No! We never drink before a show.
Never! - I'll have just a little drink.
- Me, too.
- But - Me, too.
Me, too.
~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Dethklok, Dethklok Dethklok, Dethklok ~ ~ I'll teach you ~ ~ Who rock ~ ~ Dethklok! Dethklok! ~ ~ Skwisgaar Skwigelf Taller than a tree ~ ~ Toki Wartooth Not a bumble bee ~ ~ William Murderface Murderface, Murderface ~ ~ Pickles the Drummer Doodily doo ~ ~ Ding-dong Doodily doodily doo ~ ~ Nathan Explosion ~ Live from Batsfjord, Norway where over 300,000 fans have travelled to the Arctic Circle to see the legendary metal band, Dethklok, perform just one song.
Surprisingly the song itself is a jingle.
A coffee jingle.
Never before have so many people travelled so far for such a short song.
A jingle for international coffee moguls, the Duncan Hills Coffee corporation.
Is Dethklok selling out? "No!" Says band front man, Nathan Explosion.
We're here to make coffee metal.
We will make everything metal.
Blacker than the blackest black times infinity.
They're called pain waivers.
Fans are literally signing their life away releasing Dethklok from any and all liability.
My eye got tore out and force fed to me at a show.
Dethklok rules! In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw 'em up onstage.
Murderface rolled them up and smoked them! Murderface! Dark clouds have rolled in and static electricity is in the air.
Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! It's Dethklok! It's Dethklok! Dethklok rolling.
~ Do you folks like coffee? ~ ~ Real coffee from the hills of Columbia? ~ ~ Duncan Hills will wake you ~ ~ From a thousand deaths ~ ~ A cup of blackened blood ~ ~ You're dying for a cup ~ ~ Guatemalan blend ~ ~ Ethiopian ~ ~ French Vanilla Roast ~ ~ You're dying for a cup ~ ~ Prepare for ultimate flavor ~ ~ You're gonna get some now ~ ~ And scream for your cream ~ ~ Duncan Hills, Duncan Hills Duncan Hills coffee ~ As you can see, Dethklok is no laughing matter.
They're the world's greatest cultural force.
In the short time since the Duncan Hills coffee jingle Batsfjord Massacre Fest every other coffee company has been obliterated.
- Completely blown out of the water.
- Freaks.
These freaks, as you call them, are currently worth billions.
Gentlemen Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree.
Toki Wartooth, not a bumble bee.
William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface.
Pickles the Drummer, doodily doo.
Ding-dong, doodily doodily doo.
Nathan Explosion.
I'm afraid that's all we know, gentlemen.
I will remind you again of the Sumerian artifacts.
The resemblance is indisputable.
If they're the ones we think they are we should exterminate them immediately.
No We wait.
Well, I don't think all of our employees are cursed.
The chefs.
The chefs.
Oh, the chefs are cursed, yeah.
Yeah.
Actually he's stills alives.
Yeah.
Well, I mean he'll be dead soon.
- That's what I meant to say.
- Oh, come on.
He could probably heard that.
Oh, wait, no, he can't 'cause he ain't got no ears.
Hold on.
It says here that keeping this guy alive is costing us $10,000 a day.
Well, here's an idea.
Why don't we yankee doodle dandy, you know pull the plug.
- Kill him.
- Let's just fire him.
Look at him.
He's all lazy, just sitting there.
He ain't cooked a damn thing all day long.
Let's face it, he's bringing me down.
What is wrong with this dumb dildo? They give us all the free coffee in the world but no instructions on how to cook it.
I might need to take five, six personal days for all this griefs gonna have to be.
Oh, here we go again! You took two personal grieving days last week.
- Well, I was depressed about Coward.
- You're depressed?! - Deals with that.
- You're depressed?! I'm fat! I'm the fat one! Yeah, I'm fat.
We know that! The one good thing about Jean Pierre being dead is maybe I won't eat so much and lose these flabby death handles.
- No! - No, I'm fat! Well, I'm starting to get a hungries but it looks like we starves.
Well, great.
What are we supposed to do now? - What's this place called? - This is, I believes, called, food libraries.
Food library.
Food library.
It's called a grocery store, you douche bags! I'm sorry about douche bags.
- I got low blood sugar.
- All right, here's the deal.
We have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like regular jack-offs do.
You're all in charge of putting together one dish and don't just buy booze! That ain't food.
What do you mean booze ain't food? I would rather chop off my dingle than admit that.
You would rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink? - Hey, Grandma, is there olives in it? - In what? Lemon tart, wrinkled tits, geezy! Good, then it's pee pee time.
Hey, chief, is this stuff good for soup? - No.
- That's a yes.
- Who is Walnuts? - Toki, look inside of your basket.
Guess what, you're in such a crappy mood, you have ladies' tampons inside of it and you buy them for yourself.
Go and have a conversation with older ladies and tell them your problems.
- You're lady, Swissgar.
- No, I'm not! Two cups of rice.
Brutal.
OK, hold on, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shriek and they turn red and they die? Yes, sir.
That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life.
High-five.
Price check! Clean up aisle six! - Rotted body landslide.
- Oh, that's great.
And don't forget our special sale on every bone broken chicken.
- Hurry! - You get them, Nathan.
Enjoy our tasty half-snot face.
Aisle three.
I loves to laugh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Guess what? You are a GMLIF.
That is a grandmother that I would like to See, I told you guys, we don't need ol' chef.
Put in the ingredients into that thing there.
Oh, no, we leaves all the food at that food place.
What?! Jean Pierre! Jean Pierre, cook something! Come on, don't be a dick, be a dude.
- Yeah.
Come on! - Don't be a dick.
- Come on.
- Make us something! - Just do it.
- We can't hear you.
- Do it.
We can't hear you.
- Do it! Do it! It's over.
By the power of all that's evil I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich! There is only one thing left to do.
Kill ourselves.
Dudes, we would have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.
Yeah, but we such screw ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.
That's a good song title.
~ Sewn back together wrong ~ ~ Back together Sewn back together wrong ~ ~ Back together Sewn back together wrong ~ ~ Back together, Sewn back together wrong ~ ~ Back together sewn ~
I fear not my mortality.
Approach us.
Everything to your liking, my lords? Are you aware of the fate of our last restaurant helicopter chef? - His face was - His face was smashed! Yes, I know.
He slipped his hand and face on the hovercraft.
Hovercraft.
- Hov - Homo - Hovercraft.
- Hold me.
Hovercraft.
Hovercraft.
They're trying to tell you the guy got his face smashed into a hovercraft.
That's what they're trying to tell you.
- Yes, I know.
- And then, from the sorrow - He blow his brain in.
- He blow his brain out.
- Whatever.
- Out.
It'd make a great album cover.
Yeah, all of our chefs, they has died a horrible death.
What of that's do you think? I would rather have my brains scooped out with a melon baller than to miss the opportunity to deliver the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok.
Sorry, we are chewing through a few thousand doves up here.
Don't worry, these rotors will grind them into paste in no time.
From the prime minister of Norway.
There are several cases.
The finest wine.
No! We never drink before a show.
Never! - I'll have just a little drink.
- Me, too.
- But - Me, too.
Me, too.
~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Dethklok, Dethklok Dethklok, Dethklok ~ ~ I'll teach you ~ ~ Who rock ~ ~ Dethklok! Dethklok! ~ ~ Skwisgaar Skwigelf Taller than a tree ~ ~ Toki Wartooth Not a bumble bee ~ ~ William Murderface Murderface, Murderface ~ ~ Pickles the Drummer Doodily doo ~ ~ Ding-dong Doodily doodily doo ~ ~ Nathan Explosion ~ Live from Batsfjord, Norway where over 300,000 fans have travelled to the Arctic Circle to see the legendary metal band, Dethklok, perform just one song.
Surprisingly the song itself is a jingle.
A coffee jingle.
Never before have so many people travelled so far for such a short song.
A jingle for international coffee moguls, the Duncan Hills Coffee corporation.
Is Dethklok selling out? "No!" Says band front man, Nathan Explosion.
We're here to make coffee metal.
We will make everything metal.
Blacker than the blackest black times infinity.
They're called pain waivers.
Fans are literally signing their life away releasing Dethklok from any and all liability.
My eye got tore out and force fed to me at a show.
Dethklok rules! In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw 'em up onstage.
Murderface rolled them up and smoked them! Murderface! Dark clouds have rolled in and static electricity is in the air.
Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! It's Dethklok! It's Dethklok! Dethklok rolling.
~ Do you folks like coffee? ~ ~ Real coffee from the hills of Columbia? ~ ~ Duncan Hills will wake you ~ ~ From a thousand deaths ~ ~ A cup of blackened blood ~ ~ You're dying for a cup ~ ~ Guatemalan blend ~ ~ Ethiopian ~ ~ French Vanilla Roast ~ ~ You're dying for a cup ~ ~ Prepare for ultimate flavor ~ ~ You're gonna get some now ~ ~ And scream for your cream ~ ~ Duncan Hills, Duncan Hills Duncan Hills coffee ~ As you can see, Dethklok is no laughing matter.
They're the world's greatest cultural force.
In the short time since the Duncan Hills coffee jingle Batsfjord Massacre Fest every other coffee company has been obliterated.
- Completely blown out of the water.
- Freaks.
These freaks, as you call them, are currently worth billions.
Gentlemen Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree.
Toki Wartooth, not a bumble bee.
William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface.
Pickles the Drummer, doodily doo.
Ding-dong, doodily doodily doo.
Nathan Explosion.
I'm afraid that's all we know, gentlemen.
I will remind you again of the Sumerian artifacts.
The resemblance is indisputable.
If they're the ones we think they are we should exterminate them immediately.
No We wait.
Well, I don't think all of our employees are cursed.
The chefs.
The chefs.
Oh, the chefs are cursed, yeah.
Yeah.
Actually he's stills alives.
Yeah.
Well, I mean he'll be dead soon.
- That's what I meant to say.
- Oh, come on.
He could probably heard that.
Oh, wait, no, he can't 'cause he ain't got no ears.
Hold on.
It says here that keeping this guy alive is costing us $10,000 a day.
Well, here's an idea.
Why don't we yankee doodle dandy, you know pull the plug.
- Kill him.
- Let's just fire him.
Look at him.
He's all lazy, just sitting there.
He ain't cooked a damn thing all day long.
Let's face it, he's bringing me down.
What is wrong with this dumb dildo? They give us all the free coffee in the world but no instructions on how to cook it.
I might need to take five, six personal days for all this griefs gonna have to be.
Oh, here we go again! You took two personal grieving days last week.
- Well, I was depressed about Coward.
- You're depressed?! - Deals with that.
- You're depressed?! I'm fat! I'm the fat one! Yeah, I'm fat.
We know that! The one good thing about Jean Pierre being dead is maybe I won't eat so much and lose these flabby death handles.
- No! - No, I'm fat! Well, I'm starting to get a hungries but it looks like we starves.
Well, great.
What are we supposed to do now? - What's this place called? - This is, I believes, called, food libraries.
Food library.
Food library.
It's called a grocery store, you douche bags! I'm sorry about douche bags.
- I got low blood sugar.
- All right, here's the deal.
We have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like regular jack-offs do.
You're all in charge of putting together one dish and don't just buy booze! That ain't food.
What do you mean booze ain't food? I would rather chop off my dingle than admit that.
You would rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink? - Hey, Grandma, is there olives in it? - In what? Lemon tart, wrinkled tits, geezy! Good, then it's pee pee time.
Hey, chief, is this stuff good for soup? - No.
- That's a yes.
- Who is Walnuts? - Toki, look inside of your basket.
Guess what, you're in such a crappy mood, you have ladies' tampons inside of it and you buy them for yourself.
Go and have a conversation with older ladies and tell them your problems.
- You're lady, Swissgar.
- No, I'm not! Two cups of rice.
Brutal.
OK, hold on, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shriek and they turn red and they die? Yes, sir.
That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life.
High-five.
Price check! Clean up aisle six! - Rotted body landslide.
- Oh, that's great.
And don't forget our special sale on every bone broken chicken.
- Hurry! - You get them, Nathan.
Enjoy our tasty half-snot face.
Aisle three.
I loves to laugh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Guess what? You are a GMLIF.
That is a grandmother that I would like to See, I told you guys, we don't need ol' chef.
Put in the ingredients into that thing there.
Oh, no, we leaves all the food at that food place.
What?! Jean Pierre! Jean Pierre, cook something! Come on, don't be a dick, be a dude.
- Yeah.
Come on! - Don't be a dick.
- Come on.
- Make us something! - Just do it.
- We can't hear you.
- Do it.
We can't hear you.
- Do it! Do it! It's over.
By the power of all that's evil I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich! There is only one thing left to do.
Kill ourselves.
Dudes, we would have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.
Yeah, but we such screw ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.
That's a good song title.
~ Sewn back together wrong ~ ~ Back together Sewn back together wrong ~ ~ Back together Sewn back together wrong ~ ~ Back together, Sewn back together wrong ~ ~ Back together sewn ~