Middleditch & Schwartz (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[audience cheering]
[audience cheering]
Thank you.
Wooh!
Ladies and gentlemen,
that is Thomas Middleditch.
- That's Benjamin Schwartz.
- We are Middleditch and Schwartz.
It's true.
- It's true.
- Wow!
- Wow!
- Wow!
Here we are.
Everything tonight will be
made up on the spot.
Every character, every word,
every sentence,
everything in the universe.
This is long form improv,
and we're very excited to bring it
in a special form.
What we're going to do right now,
Thomas is going to
ask the audience a question.
Please answer it in a real way,
and we'll have a conversation.
We might ask a question or two.
Thomas, do you have a question
for the audience?
Yeah, I do, I do, I do.
A prompt, if you will.
Uh is there anything coming up
in the near future
that you might either be excited about
or dreading in some kind of way?
[male] Getting married.
Getting married?
Are you getting married
to a man or woman?
[male] So, they're getting married
[male] I'm in the wedding.
You're in the wedding, but you
- talked about them?
- That's interesting
- from the perspective of that.
- That is interesting.
And they're right next to you?
So, you are in the wedding party for this.
Can you talk a little bit
about the wedding itself?
They recently got engaged.
[Benjamin] Congratulations.
They got the venue nailed down
It's insane to me
that you're explaining
No, it's, it's great.
- This is how weddings should be explained.
- Yeah.
Really build it out.
Really tell us everybody involved.
For real. Alright, go.
So, they got engaged.
Um, we all met each other,
like the group of friends
that are in the wedding
all met each other at music festivals.
- Oh!
- That's sweet.
How long ago was that?
How long has this pod of pals
been going on?
[both] 2015.
So, barely, barely.
[laughing]
Still
That's a great year, though.
It's a good year for making friends.
I have so many questions
for the wedding couple.
Like, "What up with friends
you grew up with?"
No, you fucking went to Burning Man once,
and you're like, "These guys"?
Alright.
Only friends we
met in a Walmart parking lot.
All your friends you
met in a Walmart parking lot?
Can you give us
Tell us who's in that batch of friends
that you met in a Walmart parking lot.
It's a hodgepodge of friends,
from my friends from home,
my fiance's friends from college
He is a friend of a friend, who
Do you not have friends of friends?
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ridiculous.
Someone who knows someone?
Insane.
But a friend of a friend
to get bumped to the wedding party
is a pretty big deal.
- You've got to be a good dude.
- That's a fast bond.
I get that, though.
When I fall for a friend, I fall hard.
We were traveling
Yeah, it's time you take over. Go.
- I think it is.
- I do too.
- I want it from this guy,
- I want to hear it too.
So, basically, they tried to ditch us,
and the only reason we found them
was because I happened to pull in
to a supermarket parking lot
When they were trying to ditch you,
you caught up to them.
Yeah, so then there was
an awkward moment real quick.
- And now I'm in the wedding.
- That's amazing.
Give us descriptions
of who these people are. Like
Another one is my, uh, college roommate's
best friend from high school.
I like that as like an identifier
of who that person is
on like a core level.
Yes, but who are you?
- I'm my college roommate's
- Who is that person?
- friend from high school.
- Give us something.
His name is Matt.
Um, he was my boyfriend in sixth grade.
What is happening?
So, you went out with him.
- Not no more, girl.
- In sixth grade, what was he like?
He was very short.
We all are in sixth grade.
We're all pretty tiny then.
Yeah, don't judge, man.
You were fucking short then, too.
[chuckles]
Uh
So, when you're
in the wedding party, sir,
I want to ask you, are you the best man?
- I don't know that we know.
- No.
Did you just find that out now?
- Yeah.
- Yes
I just found that out.
Number seven of seven.
Okay, number seven of seven.
- You've ranked them.
- Yeah.
Who's this?
You're you're with someone, maybe?
Right there?
- Her?
- Yeah.
No, no, that fucking thing right there.
- Whatever that is.
- Tell us about that post in front of you.
- Whatever that
- Who is this wonderful woman?
She wasn't there. This is my girlfriend.
- Okay.
- Is she invited?
She was invited,
but she didn't want to go.
- This is going to be
- I told you that in confidence.
This is going to be on Netflix
where everybody can watch it.
I know it feels like
a normal one of our shows
where everybody tells
their deepest, darkest secrets.
She's invited to the wedding.
She wasn't invited to the festival.
- Oh!
- Ah!
That's what we were asking. Okay.
Anybody else in the group
you'll talk about?
We have a friend who's a nurse.
- Nurse?
- Who's married to
the short guy.
Yes.
- I cannot tell you
- Wait, so your
sixth grade shorty ass,
fucking, ex-boyfriend
is still around in your life?
- He's in the wedding party.
- Yeah, he's my best friend.
[Thomas] You guys are the best.
What does Short Stuff do?
Uh he listens to live music.
We don't really know.
You all listen to live music.
[Thomas] You guys love music.
Anything else you want to ask,
or do we do an improv show now?
- Let's do an improv show.
- Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much.
We appreciate all four of you guys.
[clapping]
Um
So, for the rest of the show,
nobody else has to talk.
Thank you all so much for being here.
We really, really appreciate it.
Without further ado, we present to you
Middleditch and Schwartz.
[audience cheering]
Hey, Danny.
- Dan?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Just checking in.
- Do you need anything? Do you think?
- Huh?
- Do you need anything?
- I'm good for now.
- Just making the rounds.
- I'm good for now.
- You good? You look great.
- Yeah, thanks.
- This is awesome.
- Thanks, man. I appreciate it.
What a cool tux, man.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
- Yeah.
- Wow!
- Twin tail. Shit!
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- That's awesome.
- I'm nervous.
- Of course you are, yeah.
- I'm nervous.
I mean, I'd never do what you do.
- But, yeah.
- What?
I'd never do what you're doing. Sorry.
Get married?
I wouldn't. But that's so cool, man.
That's awesome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I made the right choice.
- Of course you did.
- Cool.
I mean for you.
Yeah, thanks.
Is everybody good? Is everybody here?
I think so, yeah.
I'm just checking in with you.
- You know?
- [exhales] They say you get nervous.
You get a little nervous right before.
- So, this is normal, what I'm feeling.
- Of course.
- You're going to change your life.
- Yeah, for the better.
Yeah. For me it would be worse.
But I know myself.
I know myself.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, but yeah.
- You're gonna do great.
- [exhales]
- She's great, you know.
- [exhales]
Yeah, she is great.
- She's fun.
- She's fun, yeah.
Yeah. Give me another attribute about her.
Uh I met her fou five years ago.
- Thanks. That's helpful.
- Four years ago
Thank you.
Okay. Yeah.
- It's just weird. You know what I mean?
- You know what's weird, actually?
Uh
I just found out
I probably shouldn't tell you this.
No, go, go, go. Come on.
- Is it going to fuck me up a little or no?
- Uh
Is it going to fuck me up a little, or no?
Be honest.
Right now I feel pretty nervous.
Is it going to fuck me up, or no?
I don't I don't know.
I shou I'm not going to tell you.
- Okay.
- Alright, good talk.
I trust you.
- I trust you.
- Hey. Um
Um I actually am going to tell you.
Okay, go, yeah.
So, I just found out that
Ka, Ka, Ka, Kathleen Uh
She dated
Short Paul.
My fiancée dated Short Paul?
- And it was pretty serious.
- Wait, stop. Just so I get it in my head.
The guy who listens to music?
- Yes?
- Yes.
Short Paul?
I mean, it was years ago.
You're not talking about
the singer Sean Paul?
You're talking about Short Paul?
Yeah, Short Paul our friend.
- Uh
- Because Sean Paul is here too, somewhere.
That's great.
Did not know that, but that's awesome.
That's insane.
She never said it to me once.
She's known that kid
since they were little kids.
It was a long time ago.
That's just what I heard.
It was ages ago.
But, apparently it was pretty serious.
But you know
- Hey man, listen
- Who cares, right?
Everybody's dated a lot of
things before they get
Can you do me a favor?
- Can you do me a favor?
- Yeah.
You're my best man.
I need you to do me a favor.
- Look me in the eyes.
- I'm your best man?
Yes. Listen for the wedding.
No, I was gonna That's fine.
That's fine Okay.
You're my best man. Okay?
What about your brother?
I don't trust him. Okay?
When you meet him, you'll know.
I don't trust my fucking brother. Okay?
Sebastian is like He's so It
He's always trying to impress people.
Who cares? You know what I mean?
But he can front flip
from the top of the house
- into the pool.
- Exactly.
But you, I mean you're
number seven out of seven.
You just got fucking ranked up.
- You know what I mean?
- I know.
What are my responsibilities?
- Listen
- What do I do differently?
Nothing, it's already the wedding.
- It's already happening. Okay?
- Okay.
I should have told you way before this.
Way before.
I'm going to be honest with you.
It's because everybody else dropped out.
- Okay?
- Oh, my God.
They didn't want to be best men.
They wanted to get hammered.
They didn't want to think of a speech.
- Think of a speech.
- Oh
- Okay? Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- Sure.
- Okay, but can you do me a favor?
Just go to Short Paul and make sure
he's not gonna do that weird thing
where you snap out
in the middle of the reception.
and you're like, "I say something mean."
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
"I object."
The part of the wedding
where the minister says,
"Does anybody want to say something mean?"
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
The part of the wedding
where the minister says
- I just want to make sure
- I'm gonna
I'm going to ask him if he's
planning on saying anything mean.
- Okay.
- So I need a lot of time.
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
I mean, that's cool. I'll do that.
Of course. I'm your best man now, so
- Sure.
- Hey.
Listen, I know we've only
known each other for three years.
Yeah?
- Three years.
- Yeah?
And I know at the beginning
you were barely going to come.
You were the last person
on our invite list.
Like, I even told I told Kathleen.
I was like, "I don't think so."
She was like, "Trust me.
Just in case everybody else
fucks you over,
you'll want a real dingbat
to come in there."
Okay?
Did she call me a dingbat?
Yeah, she called you a dingbat.
Just listen to me. Okay?
- All right.
- You can do this.
You can do this.
Yeah, I know. I want to do this.
There's a reason why we
cosmically met at that place.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, at the parking lot.
You were born for this.
- Okay. I'm ready. I'm in it.
- You were born for this.
What's up, motherfuckers!
Sebastian in the house!
Ah
Card trick. Anyway.
- Hey, bro.
- Yo. What's up, bro?
- Hey,
- Yo, what's up, bro?
Hey man, go do the thing.
I've got to talk to my brother.
Hey, he could stay if he wants.
Uh no! Uh I've got some stuff to do.
Hey!
Dude, so I just figured you haven't
talked to me about it yet,
but probably I should get to
my best man speech,
- or something like that.
- Yeah. Um
About that Um
Let me tell you how it goes,
and you could just give me notes.
- Okay?
- Sure. Yeah. Uh
- Go ahead.
- I was born in 1981.
Fuck, was my cock huge. [chuckles]
When I came out the doctor was like,
"Whoa, is that another baby?"
Sebastian, baby.
Anyway, I had a pretty good life.
Uh I think about it a lot lately,
and you know
You know, one time I jumped
off Mount Everest
and landed on my feet.
Anyway
two people are getting married,
Boopity-bop, bippity-bam.
Sebastian in the house.
I drop the mic into champagne.
I pick it up.
I drink the champagne out of the mic
Out of the mic?
Throw the mic into the audience.
Shit, is that a yo-yo?
Back to my hand.
I go Ooooh!
I do five minutes of really cool stand-up.
I sing three of the most popular songs
you've ever heard of
in your goddamn life.
- Okay? And then I put the mic
- I told you,
- no copyrighted songs at the wedding.
- It's fine. It's fine.
Is that cool?
If so, I'm going to head out.
No, Sebastian, it's not cool.
I mean, you could say all that stuff,
but, you know, on your own time.
- What do you mean on my own time?
- Uh
I'm your brother, man?
What's going on?
- I know, you're my brother.
- Talk to me.
Okay, alright. Um
I love you, you're my brother,
but instead of having you
as my best man,
I'm going to kick you down
to number seven out of seven.
Okay, I'll say a joke now.
Um Um
You are You are 100 feet tall.
- Are we just making funny jokes?
- No. [chuckles]
That's great. That's a funny joke.
But Um [chuckles]
Very, very funny.
Oh, fuck. Nobody even laughed.
But yeah. No, we're not making jokes.
Because uh
I just need uh
Uh
- I forgot too.
- Corey.
I don't think he has a name yet.
- Corey.
- Corey.
I just need Corey to step up
to be best man. You know?
He and I have gotten real close
over the past three years.
- And uh
- It's cool. It's cool.
- It's just
- It's cool.
You don't trust me.
Well, come on.
You're going to drink champagne
out of the microphone?
People will go fucking crazy for it, man.
You don't trust me. You never trusted me.
But that makes the whole speech about you.
It's my day. It's my wedding day.
You know, it's cool. I don't want
to fuck you up on your wedding day.
Alright? I'll just uh
Do I get to sit at the table
with you guys at the dais, or no?
Well, you
you want to sit at the table
with me my new
- Kathleen.
- and Kathleen?
Yeah.
That kind of thing is just like
me and her, though, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go fucking
wait in the parking lot.
Alright, it's cool.
I don't have to
I've got a bow tie and a tie.
If I was your best man,
I'd tell you you look stupid,
but I'm not.
This is how they're doing it.
Hey, you know what?
Even if I'm not your best man,
I can fuckin'I can help you out.
Thanks. Thanks, Sebastian.
- I'm proud of you.
- I'm proud of you too.
I mean
You're two months sober, man.
That's crazy.
Oh
Sorry, dark detail. Dark detail.
It's even darker that I was going
to drink champagne at the toast.
Alright.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
You know what? I'll just
see you out there. Alright?
I don't know if you can see me.
I won't be at the table.
[chuckles]
Hey.
- Hey, what's going on?
- [chuckles] Oh, no!
Sean Paul or Short Paul?
- Short Paul.
- Short Paul.
Yeah, I know what Sean Paul sounds like.
Short Paul, look.
Hey.
Hey, how are you?
I'm good. How are you?
I'm Maid of Honor. I'm good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Good to see you.
Yeah, good to see you too. Uh
Good to see you too Marnie.
Marnie, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My name is Marnie.
- Your name is Marnie.
- I'm gonna do this.
Yeah.
Anyway
- You doing pants to this thing?
- Yeah.
Because I feel like
I shouldn't have to wear a dress.
And Kathleen is so cool.
She's like, "Wear whatever you want."
- It's a wear-whatever-you-want thing.
- Yeah.
Did you come by yourself?
That's so crazy of me.
- Did you come by yourself? Or
- Uh
No, I didn't come by myself.
I got my uh
I'm with
I'm with Lisa, you know, but
Lisa, I met Lisa outside.
- She's a sweetheart. She's nice.
- She's cool.
- Yeah.
- She's tall.
She's tall.
- Do you want me to stomp it?
- I got it!
[exhales with effort]
[exhales]
Anyhow, yeah, just, you know, outside
- You know.
- I know. I wanted to get some air.
- It's too much.
- Yeah, me too.
- Have a smoke.
- Everybody's going crazy in there.
It's kind of a nerve-wracking thing,
I guess.
It is, yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah, Kathleen wanted
- Yeah, getting married.
- Yeah.
- It's final.
Have you ever been married?
No.
No, I'd love to get married.
- Lisa seems pretty cool, right?
- She's alright.
She's nice.
- She seems so nice.
- She's sweet!
Yeah.
You know who's funny?
Who's funny?
- Kathleen.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding me?
- She's great.
She is She is so funny.
She's beautiful.
She's gorgeous.
- Her hair and her eyes
- Oh.
Yeah.
Do you ever just want to
go up nice and close
and suck out her breath?
You know?
You said go I'm sorry,
I must have misheard.
You
You said go up nice and close and
You know, go up
nice and close to her and
get your mouth close to her mouth,
and suck her breath out,
and now you have her breath in you
I've never heard that before.
- Yeah, I don't know. In case we
- Yeah.
Probably you know. I don't know.
I've never done that, but I didn't know
Have you known her for some time?
Yeah, you could say that.
I mean, I'm her maid of honor.
I haven't heard her speak about you.
What?
She hasn't spoken about you.
She hasn't spoken about me?
Not once?
That's crazy. Not once?
Um Short Paul, you said?
Well, Paul. Everyone calls me Short Paul.
- Paul.
- Yeah.
Paul. I think I've heard of Paul.
- I'm not
- Wait, she talks about me
and she doesn't say short,
she just says Paul?
- Yeah. Why would?
- Jesus Christ.
What the heck?
Give me a minute.
You call yourself Short Paul.
Yeah, because everybody does.
I mean, it's just how these guys know me.
But
I mean, internally
- Yeah.
- to myself
I am known as Paul.
I'm Amber.
Are you?
I think so. Have we said anything else?
I think we said your name,
but I can't remember.
- My nickname is Amber.
- I thought it was Lisa.
Maybe. My nickname is Amber.
- [laughing]
- Should we say Lisa?
Your nick your nickname is Amber?
Your nickname is just another first name?
It's easy. It's easy.
For this moment,
it's easy for my nickname to be Amber.
Okay.
- You want me to call you by your nickname?
- Sure.
Alright, Amber.
Paul.
- Yeah, Paul.
- Nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you too.
- Yeah.
- I actually love weddings.
- Wait. So then
Hold on. We've got to figure this out.
I don't think there's much to figure out?
No, because then I don't know
if I know my girlfriend's name.
- Lisa's your girlfriend.
- That's my girlfriend.
I was trying to make you look good.
Yeah. I didn't want to call you out
that you were calling me your
girlfriend's name.
- No, no, no, but you have a name.
- My name is Amber!
It's Marie
- Marnie
- Marnie.
That's my sister's name.
How do I forget my sister's name?
Marnie.
Your sister's name is Marnie?
- I forgot that you said it.
- So, hold on,
your parents named two daughters
Marnie and Marnie?
No. I was Never mind.
Your okay.
Marnie.
- Lovely to see you.
- Marnie.
- Marnie. Yes.
- Marnie, AKA Amber.
They're all
- Marnie
- And I'm
- I'm Paul. AKA Short Paul.
- Paul. Lisa.
- Lisa. Kathleen.
- And we know Kathleen.
And we know Corey.
And we know Dave, Danny
- Danny or Dave.
- Sebastian.
And we can call that guy Dave
if you want.
Sure.
We got a lot of people
hanging out here today.
Yeah, and we have so many more.
- It's a fucking wedding.
- I know.
I am That's why I'm nervous.
I'm actually
I have to say a speech today.
- Everybody's
- Yeah?
Yeah, and it's weird because
I get emotional when I think about
my past and how we grew up together
and stuff like that. You know?
- Yeah, sure. Sure.
- Yeah.
Why? What happened in your past?
I don't know. It's just
There's a thing that happened, right?
Do I want to know?
I don't think you want to know.
- But
- But I do want to know.
But not even that.
Even thinking about the past
makes me realize how much I've grown
- and how much of my life is over.
- That's crazy.
- Weddings scare me because of that.
- I had something happen in my past too.
What? Tell me, please.
[chuckles]
Do you want me to shuffle it?
Okay. Not a lot of people know this,
but me and Kathleen, we used to
[chuckles]
we used to go steady.
- You and Kathleen?
- Yeah. [laughs]
That's insane. I've known her
for, like, 15 years.
- When?
- Ages ago, before then.
When? What year?
I was in sixth grade.
I don't know how old that makes you.
- Twelve?
- Fourteen, maybe?
- No, fourteen, you're at grade eight.
- No, twelve.
It is twelve.
Because that's when I went to
a bunch of bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs.
Like, right that year after.
I'd say sixth or seventh grade.
- Okay, cool.
- Cool.
You guys went out? Did you?
Sixth grade. Did you kiss or anything?
Um
We made love.
We made love under the moon.
- When you were in sixth grade?
- For nights on end.
We couldn't get enough of each other.
I wrote a poem, she wrote me poems.
We got in trouble together,
we ran from the law.
We crossed state lines.
We thought about moving to Germany.
As sixth graders?
How long did this all last?
Ah It's
You know, the brightest suns
burn the briefest.
There's just the one sun,
we just have the one sun.
You are telling me that
the entire universe has only one sun?
- That we know of.
- Are you a flat-earther?
No. No.
But I do think
if I had slippery enough shoes,
and you took me to one part,
I could slide all the way to the end.
- It doesn't matter.
- What?
- What?
- Listen, listen
Your your [chuckles]
What?
Your theory on the world is that
if you had slippery enough shoes
This is what I'm thinking.
you could fly
from one end to the other.
Yeah. Can I explain myself?
- Please do.
- You're yelling at me.
I don't think the world is flat.
I don't think the Earth is flat.
- Okay.
- I think it's round.
And because it's round,
if you get enough momentum[chuckles]
you'll just slide around.
All the way around.
- That's insane.
- I mean, yeah, I mean
I suppose if you had
slippery enough shoes.
What happened? How did it end?
- Ah. It's embarrassing.
- Paul, come on.
It's embarrassing?
You already told me
you made love in sixth grade.
Um
Well
One night
It's a story?
We were in a taxi cab.
- We had just
- Sixth grade still?
We had just seen
We had just seen the opera
Oh, very cool.
Umin our weekend finest duds.
And
[chuckles] We're walking uh
down an alleyway
and uh [chuckles]
[laughing]
I think I know what's going to happen.
[laughs]
And I love it.
- Do you?
- I love it. Yeah.
And and a guy [chuckles]
- Can I guess?
- And a guy came out
in a clown mask.
Did he try to steal her pearls?
He tried to steal the pearls.
Did they go everywhere?
They went everywhere.
And a kid was watching.
Was that kid Dave?
Yeah.
That's that's incredible.
And, and, and I Wait
Because that's not even all that
embarrassing,
but then the guy
with the clown mask slipped,
and the gun went in the air,
and I tried to grab it.
And then I I shot
the guy in the clown mask?
I don't know why you're looking at me
like you're confused.
And he's gone.
- And you look like the fool.
- And I had one moment
to say a really cool line
like, "Nice try, clown."
But instead
I said
"Oopsie, woopsies."
You said, "Oopsie, woopsies?"
And Kathleen,
she looks to me like I'm crazy.
I don't want to kill the guy. Ah
- This is crazy.
- I've been to therapy every year
of my life.
Did you go to jail?
Is that why she didn't see you?
- No, I
- What happened?
The police were like,
"Yeah, self defense."
But, did you say something cool?
- Like, "Get out of my life, clown."
- "Oopsie, doopsies."
I said. "Oopsie, doopsies,"
and then the whole
- This is insane.
- Cops laughed at me.
When I met Dave, the story that he tells
even though he's like,
"I don't want to tell it right now."
- Yeah?
- The story he tells,
is that he saved her from a robber?
That's what he said.
I'm sorry, what?
They said they met
when they were really young,
like seventh grade
or something like that. Right?
And he said that he saved her
from being robbed.
That's how they met.
[stomping]
Oh, God.
You ever have a time in your life
when you think you might
come to a conclusion,
and then you think, "Maybe I'll just
wait it out,"
but then something happens
and you're like, "No I'm definitely
going to do it."
Come on. It's starting.
- I'll see you in a bit. Okay?
- Okay.
Alright. Bye. Bye, Amber.
- Take care. Marnie.
- Yeah.
- You can call me Marnie.
- Okay.
And so the time has come
Revenge.
Vengeance.
Revengeance.
Dave, if that is your real name,
you will lose tonight,
and Kathleen, you will be mine.
Sweet Kathleen. [whispers]
I will take your breath.
[whispers]
Okay, I'm, um, um, I'm ready.
Yeah. Is she coming? Is Kathleen coming?
Do I see her when we go down the aisle?
Is the first time I see her right when
this happens? When do I see her?
I don't know.
Who are you?
I'm a ghost.
Oh! [chuckles]
Whoo, whoo, what?
You're a ghost?
You can't just say you're a ghost
then disappear.
We'll find out who you are later.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Corey? Corey!
Corey! Hey man,
I need my best man for a second.
- Okay?
- Yeah, I got you.
I couldn't find Short Paul.
I I I don't know
I don't I don't
You didn't get to talk to him at all?
No, no, I couldn't find him.
Just sit next to him if you see him,
and just make sure he's going to be fine
- and not say anything mean.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
Alright, do I look okay?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
We're going down, but I don't know
When does Kathleen come?
When's the part where we walk down?
We announce you, then you come out.
And then we announce Kathleen,
then she comes out.
Then we do the ceremony.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[exhales] Alright.
I wish we had a handshake,
but we haven't known each other
long enough.
Cool, alright.
Stay here. [chuckles]
[mouth trumpet]
Introducing
Dave, the groom
Motherfucker, that's my brother.
That's my brother.
Hey. Come on. Give it up.
Give it up.
Come on, give it up.
- Come on, Dave!
- I think you're supposed to be up there.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, I guess I'll
be all the way in the back,
the last fucking person on the line.
Oh, oh! I won't make a big deal out of it.
[blowing air]
[chuckling like an old man]
[old man voice] That's my boy.
[laughs]
You're his father.
I'm their father.
Oh, amazing.
And
I guess I'm their mom, then.
- Nice to meet you. [laughs]
- Lovely to meet you.
Ah, I'm so
I'm, like, so excited. Ah
I knew, I knew Dave would get married.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?
We knew it in the back of our minds.
Yeah. Oh.
Just loosen up a bit.
Okay, loosen up a bit.
- I'm loose.
- Okay.
I just want you to be loose, okay?
- I'm loose! [shouting]
- Shush!
Don't tell me to loosen up
when I'm already loose.
- That tightens me.
- Harold!
Harold!
- Harold!
- Do you want me tight or loose?
I want you loose, Harold.
Then don't 'aks' me to be loose.
What do you want me to do?
How do you want me to make you loose?
By not asking me to be loooooose!
[shouting]
I'm, I'm sorry, is everything okay?
Are you okay?
I'm fine! [shouting]
You're very tense.
I'm loose! [shouting]
I don't even know you! [shouting]
Oh, sorry, sorry.
I'm the father of the bride. [chuckles]
- Why are you on this side? [shouting]
- Shush!
Harold! Harold!
There's a whole other side. [shouting]
Harold! Harold!
- By the way, pleasure to meet you.
- Lovely to meet you.
I feel like we should have met before
at some point in time.
Oh my God, it is so nice to meet you.
- It's so nice to meet you.
- I'm, I'm the mother of the bride.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Pleasure to meet you too
for the very first time.
How are you! [shouting]
Good, I'm fine. Are you okay?
I'm fucking loose, baby. [shouting]
Everybody's asking me if I'm loose.
What about you? Are you loose?
I'm loose as a caboose.
I don't think you should [laughing]
ask a woman if
Say it. Loose as a
- You were about to say it. Say it.
- But I
Say it. I've never
heard the phrase before.
It's not something you ask a lady.
But I am loose as a caboose.
- We do like to have fun.
- We have fun.
- We do like to have fun.
- We're quite We're
We're half a bottle into a chardonnay.
- Oh! That's so lovely.
- Can I pour you?
We've got [laughing]
We've already started drinking.
I would love some. Is that okay?
- Yeah, sure.
- To the bride and groom.
Takes the edge off.
Yeah, sure, oh
Well
[both gulping]
Here you go.
Knocked that back pretty quick.
Well, okay, now I have your trash.
Thank you.
Okay.
I'm ready.
I'm ready if you want to play the trumpet.
I can't I don't really know
many musical instruments.
That's fine. Just whatever you can do.
Please.
You're my maid of honor.
Just do your thing.
What do they have in here?
Ah
Marnie!
- Marnie, come on, quick.
- I know. I know.
- I've got to find something that I can
- Everybody's waiting.
Jesus Chri
Agh, I just realized that it's so weird
that our parents aren't bringing us
down the aisle. Keep going. Yeah.
Yeah, that's the weirdest part.
[Imitating musical instrument]
Now presenting Kathleen.
[Imitating musical instrument]
[mouthing]
If [chuckles]
If that side is the groom's side
and the bride's side
- What?
- We're all people from the music festival.
Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
Rock and roll ♪
Rock and rock
and roll, roll, roll, roll ♪
Rock and rock and roll ♪
Pooh, rock and rock and roll,
roll, roll, roll ♪
- Rock and rock and roll
- Say what ♪
Rock and rock and roll ♪
Rock and rock and roll ♪
[tapping]
Oh, yeah.
Wooooooh
[laughing]
Ah
Ah
[chuckling]
We are gathered here today
[chuckling] to witness
the union
of Dave and Kathleen.
I am your officiator.
- A ghost?
- A ghost.
And
I want everyone here,
both the family
and the rock and roll enthusiasts
Is that a fucking ghost?
Remember, stay loose.
to witness
the bond of love
between these two individuals.
[mouthing] I love you.
We are both here
under our own volition.
Yes, of course.
We are both here under our own volition.
I don't think this is part
of the wedding ceremony.
Yes, of course. We are.
We love each other.
No one is here
out of any type of
[chuckles] bribery or extortion?
Has this happened enough times
where you have to ask this?
This is how I do it.
- You asked me
- I'm fine. We're good.
And you?
Mm I wish I was fucking closer.
Did you ask that?
- I wish I was fucking closer.
- Oh, yeah.
- Does anyone wish they were closer?
- [laughing]
Yeah. Me, man.
I wish I was fucking closer.
Can I get over there?
No, Sebastian.
What do you want me to do?
Be over there?
- Yeah.
- I'm a motherfucking butterfly.
You gonna make me be a worm?
Is that what turns into a butterfly?
No, that's going. No, no!
Oh, yeah. Ah
- Caterpillar. Fuck you.
- You're doing, you're doing
you're doing exactly what I didn't
want you to do.
It's still happening anyways.
When you tell someone not to do
something,
you know, they're going to do it.
Tell me about it.
[shouting] Jesus Christ!
Okay, very good.
May I continue by saying?
Ooooooh!
You may.
Um you may. [chuckles]
Now
as so saith the scripture.
both of you are in love,
you have prepared your own vows.
But
before we get to those vows
as per the doctrine
I must ask
Does anybody have anything mean [chuckles]
to say?
What the fuck is this?
"Anybody have anything mean to say?"
Yeah, I dos.
Um okay,
the short gentleman in the back.
Paul.
My name is Paul.
What're you doing?
You'll ruin the whole thing for them.
I got something mean to say.
This is my daughter's special day. Okay?
Well, if it's so special,
why are you half lit?
Because I'm not sure.
Okay. Jesus. [chuckles]
You!
You.
This whole time, all these years
you've been telling everybody,
her included.
Paul, what are you doing?
- Paul, what are you doing?
- Her included.
What are you doing?
Paul, what are you doing?
Don't make me
Listen to me.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- That way back when in the alleyway,
when I stopped the clown robber,
it was you who stopped the clown robber.
Were you just taking credit
just because I said "Whoopsie, doopsie?"
What's the real
What's what's
You know, I stopped her.
You should stop talking right now. Okay?
Paul, you had your chance.
What are you doing?
You're embarrassing me.
My parents are here.
My entire parking lot is here.
Don't. Just Okay, good. [both laughing]
I got something mean to say?
I'll allow it.
Okay, get it over quick.
Taking credit for other people's murders
is not cool.
Especially when the consequences
are true love.
A love that I always had
and will never know again.
Sorry, Lisa.
You're alright.
You're fine.
I didn't even want
to come to this wedding.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Sorry, the show's already started.
You can't leave.
You got the bouncer
from the music festival
to come to the wedding?
Alright, make it quick, Paul.
I'll allow it. [chuckles]
If you're the type of guy that steals
other people's murders
and, consequently,
steals other people's true loves
then you
are some kind of fucking du dumbass.
Hey.
- Shit!
- He fucking blew it.
He could have said the perfect thing
and he blew it.
Shit!
- Hey Paul, you know what?
- [weeping]
Why don't we let the lady decide.
You really think you
had something with her?
Oh, yeah, of course I did.
Then let her decide.
I'll allow it.
Honey.
- Honey, look at me.
- The rules state
if something is said that's mean enough,
on the spot, the lady can decide.
- Oh!
- This is easy.
I've been dating you
since the seventh grade.
- Well
- Okay? Just look at Paul.
Paul's been dating me
since the sixth grade.
I mean, not actively.
We just had a moment.
A moment in 6th grade.
- What did you do, kiss?
- Uh, mm.
Oh, hooooo
Oh, baby!
Tell 'em. Tell 'em. Tell 'em.
Why is there a microphone being lowered?
[chuckles] Um
Uh
I [exhales]
We did a little bit more than kiss.
In sixth grade?
Yeah. We made sweet, sweet love.
We made love every kind of way
you could ever dream of.
We did it romantic style.
We did it nasty style.
We went to peep shows and got all excited
and then fucked on the dirty little
sofas at the peep shows.
I don't want to know anymore.
[chuckling] We were just two kids
- Two
- Two sixth graders?
Yeah
- Just do it.
- There's [laughing]
Just do it.
Look him in the eyes and choose.
Me or him.
Just look him in the eyes and choose.
Hey!
Let me tell you something
before you choose, okay?
I
I I love you.
I love you.
I've I've loved you since the moment
I saw you.
Remember?
Remember when we
sharpened our crayons together?
- That was right after we had sex.
- Yes!
Nasty style! Real nasty style!
And I love you.
And I know he thinks he
knows what love is, but I
have felt it since the moment I saw you.
And I'm telling you
that I saved your life that day.
So, if it's just some weird thing you have
because he saved your life,
let me tell you this.
I saved your life.
So, choose.
Choose.
Choose.
- Choose.
- Choose.
Choose.
Choose. [older tone]
Choose. [older tone]
- Choose.
- Choose.
My son's waiting. Choose!
- Darling choo-oo-oose
- Choose ♪
Choo-choo-choose ♪
Choose, sweetie.
Choose.
Choose.
Yes!
I mean, is there?
Is there any real way
you could actually
prove that you did that?
That you were really saved…
or is this just another
figment of your imagination?
You were so creative as a sixth grader.
Is that what this is?
You want me to prove
that I actually murdered the guy?
Is there any way you could do that?
Uh [chuckles]
I guess not.
Wait!
I can do it.
You!
[chuckles]
I was the clown that day.
- That's why I'm a ghost.
- Oh!
That move worked perfectly.
You!
Yes, and I can tell you how it went down.
Huh
I went to steal your pearls
right in the alley after the opera.
I was like, "Why are two sixth graders
going to the opera?
This will be an easy steal."
Or, so I thought.
I snatch your pearls,
they go all over the place.
You Dave
You did nothing.
But you, Paul?
First of all, you look great tonight.
You look fantastic. But, Paul?
I know. I know.
Thank you. I look great too.
Say it again.
I can't hear you. Say it again.
Speak up!
[laughing]
[laughing continues]
You didn't try to save the day.
My gun fell, you slipped, you hit me,
and then you said
Tell everyone.
Take the microphone.
Tell everyone.
Was it something cool?
I said, I said, "Whoopsie, doopsie."
You said, "Whoopsie, doopsie?"
Yeah, I said, "Whoopsie, doopsie."
So, you see
it was an accident.
And I'm being pretty cool about it.
[stutters] So, you're telling me
that the gun just went in the air and
it shot accidentally,
and no one pulled the trigger
other than it sort of falling,
- and it shot you?
- That's correct.
- And that's how you died?
- I'm telling you,
the only way you can
make your decision is love
and not consequence.
So, with that
I'll still be the priest if you want.
Yeah. Stick around.
I think you're going to want to hear this.
Okay. Go.
Short Paul
Um you're a great guy.
Thanks.
Um you treated me real nice,
but real intense.
And I returned the favor.
- We had a great time in sixth grade.
- We had the best time.
Before you finish that sentence,
- we had the best time.
- But, Paul
that was sixth grade.
I'm a woman now. A lady, even.
And I've found something else.
And I think you got to let the past
be the past, you know?
You wanna fuck one more time?
- No.
- Right.
No.
Lisa?
We cool?
No.
You you fucking psychopath, no.
And you know what?
Corey, dude, you were
supposed to stop
- Short Paul
- Fuck!
- if he was going to do anything crazy.
- Shit!
- I didn't do the one thing.
- You had one thing to do,
and you didn't do it.
Buddy, I got no other choice.
I've got to bump you
to the back of the line.
It was an honor.
Sebastian?
No, come on, man. Is this for real?
- You're my brother.
- Come on, man.
- Is this is for real?
- Of course, it's for real.
After we do our little thing here,
you want to do your routine?
My best man, speech?
- Can I stand right there?
- Of course you can.
Hey! I love you.
I love you too, baby, baby bro.
Do you?
Do you marry?
I do marry.
- Do you marry?
- I do marry.
Then
[gasps]
Ah
[exhales]
Then
You've got to kiss each other.
Oh!
Alright.
Now, let's get down for the party.
I think my best man's
got something to say.
Yeah, that's right.
I've been preparing
Everyone sh shut up.
My boy
my second-born has something to say.
Grab the mic, baby.
What's up, motherfuckers?
[shouting] I said what's up,
motherfuckers?
Yeah, give me a beat.
Give me a beat. Give me a beat.
Give me a beat.
Okay, that's good enough.
You know
You know, Da?
Dave?
Yeah.
I don't want to say a fancy speech.
[chuckles]
Just want to say
I love you both very much.
And I can see why you guys
fit perfectly together.
I love you.
And I don't have to wish you luck
because I know you'll be alright.
I love you, and I love you.
Even me?
I love you too, ghost.
Oh! Oh! Whoa!
Whoa!
Uh!
That's all I needed.
That was my unfinished business.
No, somebody stop him. He's a robber.
- He's an actual robber.
- I'm going to Heaven.
- What the fuck?
- Fuck it.
That's our show!