Milo Murphy's Law (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 - What's that all about? - Oh! You're new here.
I've got a bit of a reputation.
So, what are you? A tough guy? Oh, I don't think anyone's ever called me tough.
- I'm Milo.
- I'm Zack.
BOY: No, Zack.
[SOFTLY.]
No, no, no, no.
So what exactly is this reputation? Well, people have used the "J" word, but you know what they say, "Sticks and stones can damage your vital organs "so always wear body armor.
" [ARMOR THUDDING.]
- Hi, Milo.
- Hi, Melissa.
- I'm just gonna stand back here.
- Good call.
So, Milo, how was your weekend? - Eventful.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
- I got a new scar.
Wanna see? - Sure.
Okay.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, cool.
That's a good one.
- I know, right? All right, seriously, dude, what's going on here? - What do you mean? - I mean, what is all of this? And what is the "J" word? [SOFTLY.]
Well, I don't like to say it out loud.
[CRASHING.]
Ah, it's one of those heavy-duty bungees they use to tie stuff down in construction sites.
Hey, where did you get the [RUMBLING.]
[SCREAMING.]
I bet my pudding pack we don't see them again today.
- I'll take that action.
- Really? Yeah, are you kidding? Milo's tough.
As a matter of fact, I'll see your pudding pack and raise you a snickerdoodle.
Or are you just all talk? - [CHUCKLES.]
She just called you out! - Whoa.
[SCREAMS.]
Wait, why aren't you screaming? I find it doesn't help.
Just hurts the larynx.
Hand me that bungee and you better hang on to my backpack.
Wait.
[SCREAMS.]
ZACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That bungee was definitely defective.
[BARKING.]
No, Diogee, go home.
Silly dog.
He's not supposed to be in the street.
[SCREAMS.]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You might want to slide over this way a little.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
The "J" word wouldn't happen to be "jinx", would it? [TITLE MUSIC.]
Look at that sun Look at that sky Look at my sweater vest I look so fly Look at that mailbox Look at that tree It's about as beautiful as it can be Whoa Today is gonna be exceptional Never boring even for a minute It's my world and we're all livin' in it Whoa, whoa Never boring even for a minute It's my world and we're all livin' in it [DIOGEE BARKS.]
So, Melissa, what's up with your boy? I can almost taste that snickerdoodle now.
Oh, yeah? You wanna make it more interesting? - What are you guys talking about? - Melissa's betting that Milo's gonna make it to school and on time.
I'm in.
What's happened so far? Concrete drainage pipe chased him down a hill.
I got some vegan cheese sticks that says we don't see them till after lunch.
I got gummy licorice.
All right, all right.
Let me get my notepad.
No, no, no, no! Wait, wait! [GROANS.]
Oh, man.
I'm gonna miss my first day at a new school.
My parents are gonna flip out.
Don't worry.
My dad always says, "What doesn't kill you only makes you late for school.
" So I don't think we're gonna miss the whole day.
[BARKING.]
No, Diogee, run home.
I'm going to school.
Plus, if we catch the bus at the next stop, we may not even be late.
I've got the bus route marked on my GP S.
It must have gotten wet when we fell in the mud.
But fear not, I've got a backup right here.
Paper map! Old school.
[SCREECHING.]
Huh.
Oh, don't worry.
I remember the way.
This has happened before.
"This has happened before?" This exact thing?! We'll beat them to the next stop.
We just have to go through the rock quarry.
Rock quarry, sure.
What could possibly go wrong? Sorry, boys.
There's been a little oil spill, as you can see.
It's been quite a mess, so nobody's getting through today.
I think we can still make it across.
- I brought galoshes.
- I didn't.
I've got an extra pair and they're hazmat rated for a level 4 biohazard.
- Oh, I don't think - Here's a certificate from the EPA.
What are you a nine, nine and a half? Well, it's notarized so I suppose if you [BIRD CHIRPING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
[SCREECHING.]
Maybe we should go through the woods.
ALL: Whoa! Look, they're safe! They're cutting through Coyote Woods.
Coyote Woods? What exactly is your definition of safe? Go, Milo! So do you even know where we are? Oh, yeah.
The fire's dried out my phone.
We are right in the middle of Coyote Woods.
Wait, Coyote Woods? [WHIMPERS.]
I've got a thing about coyotes.
They're like big dogs that are dangerous to pet.
Oh, don't worry.
There's no coyotes here.
- There aren't? - No.
Actually, the woods were named after actor Peter Coyote.
- Really? - Yeah.
He donated all this land to the city as a wolf preserve.
[WOLF HOWLING.]
You get how that's not better, right? [SCREAMING.]
Don't worry.
Wolves love peanut butter.
[GROWLING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[BARKING.]
Follow me.
[ALL BARKING.]
You know, wolves barely ever attack humans.
- Is that true? - Oh, yeah.
Bees are responsible for many more fatalities than wolves every year.
[BEES BUZZING.]
Hey! We're out of the woods.
- What do you mean? - We're outside the fence.
Just jump.
[HIVE THUDS.]
Wow! That was incredibly lucky.
The way the day's been going, I was pretty sure it was gonna [HOWLING.]
[BEES BUZZING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[WOLF HOWLING.]
[ZACK SCREAMS.]
Are you guys seeing this? Yeah, why is that wolf wearing a turban? Double or nothing! Who's in? How many fatalities are blamed on wolves and bees together? - Well, we would be the first.
- Whoa! [WOLF HOWLING IN DISTANCE.]
Here you go.
These will help us navigate in the dark.
Dude, if and when we get out of here, I'm gonna have to go my own way.
No offense.
I just can't handle all of this.
All of what? [CHITTERING.]
This cyclone of calamity that follows you everywhere you go.
How do you live like this? - How do you live like that? - What do you mean? I mean, you wanna live like those other kids? They took a bus to school today.
A bus! Does that seem like more fun to you? Hmm all right.
Where to next? Well, there's a loose grate up over here to the left.
- I've been here before.
- Of course you have.
All right, I guess we turn the water back on.
You know, we're missing one of those heavy-duty bungees that we tie stuff down with? And also a section of one of that concrete drainage pipe.
Huh? [GRUNTS.]
[MUSIC.]
[ZACK YELLING.]
Hey, Milo, is that a new scar? Yeah, thanks for noticing.
Okay, Chelsea's in for a pack of chips.
Sid's up to two pudding packs.
I like that confidence, Sid, but you're going down.
Mort's down for cheese sticks and an apple, and Bradley is the big spender with a whole vacuum-sealed lunch pack, which I can cover, but I'll have to bring it tomorrow.
[GASPS.]
Look! There they are! Oh, man.
They're gonna beat us to school.
Never mind, there they go.
Anyone wanna up the ante? I wish we had a way to steer this thing to shore.
We don't need to.
Look! The Maple Street bridge! Here, I'll give you a boost.
[GROWLS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[DIOGEE BARKS.]
[SIGHS.]
[BARKS.]
Excellent, Diogee.
Good boy.
Here you go, but I do need you to go home, okay? Go home.
He's not supposed to be in the river.
[GASPS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
[CREAKING.]
You know, I don't know if it's the adrenaline talking, but I'm starting to feel like we can handle anything that comes our way.
Well, maybe not "anything.
" - Ninety seconds to the bell.
- There is no way he's making it.
[SCOFFS.]
If you're so sure, it's not too late to sweeten the pot.
Done.
Three jawbreakers and some vitamin C tablets.
What? It's cold and flu season! [SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE.]
[WHIRRING.]
You know, they are from out of town.
Maybe they don't even realize they're inconveniencing us.
Uh, guys? Guys? Um, I realize you've come a long way, but we really need to get to school.
Well, Melissa, start passing out the loot.
[BELL RINGING.]
Phew! Made it all in one piece! Of course the wolves got my lunch.
Mine got crushed at the bus stop.
Guess we're going hungry.
Don't worry, I got you two covered.
[SNAP.]
- GIRL: Here you go.
- BOY: Here you go.
Ooh, look! A vitamin C tablet.
What? It's cold and flu season.
It's my world and we're all livin' in it