Milton Jones's House of Rooms (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 'Congratulations, Mr Jones.
It's my pleasure to inform you 'you've already been pre-approved for a Second Direct card.
'At just 4% APR' 'Joshua Matanka is only eight, 'but in his short life, he and his four hungry brothers 'have seen much sadness, for he hasn't been 'lucky enough to be pre-approved for a Second Direct card!' It was the Ah! Couldn't get my last bag in, could you, mate? Hi.
I'm Paul, the new boy in number five.
You must be Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Nice to meet you, Giggles.
We're neighbours? Say, why don't you pop round for some food? Say, eightish? Lovely idea.
You can't! You can't! Why not, mate? There's a residents' meeting at 7:55.
Sharp.
Oh, no worries.
Oh, the bag.
Yeah, it's number five.
Cheers, mate.
Hello there.
I'm not buying anything.
No, I'm not, er I was just wondering where your gas comes from.
I beg your pardon?! No, no, I meant your gas.
You were walking past this house and you thought, "Hmm, I wonder where that man's gas comes from"? Yes.
This should help clear things up.
'Millions of years ago, a landmass formed, rich in forest.
'Trees inched ever skyward as dinosaur and primitive mammal 'took shelter 'twixt their lustrous foliage.
' Oh, Giggles, what are you like? 'And the fossil fuels of coal, oil and gas" 'Gas, being the hydrocarbon 'with the shortest molecular chain, was' Perfect Gas, eh? Those jokers! I hope old Mrs Harris across the street's all right.
Yeah.
Her curtains have been drawn for days now.
Those bottles on the front step are mounting up.
We should do something.
What, nick the milk? Poor woman.
Still, at least I'll never end up on my own like that.
Will I? - Ooh, I washed that for you, Mum.
- Washed it? Well, I couldn't find the instructions.
I thought, "Real animal fur must be lick-clean only.
" I won't be late.
But there's a residents' meeting.
Since when did you hold meetings? It's an emergency about the new tenant.
You knew I had to go and see Maureen.
You have to be here, it's a new tenant.
I have to go you know her Eric's only just passed on.
I am not going to miss the party of the year she's burning his clothes and everything.
Which reminds me, I need some marshmallows.
Maybe I won't be here when you get back.
Surprise, surprise, another clumsy attempt at emotional blackmail! Probably spend the night at a friend's.
Ah! Ooh! Fetch Mother's heart tablets, would you, dear? Quickly.
Oh What heart tablets? Well, you started it with your "friend".
Now, don't wait up.
This new tenant, I've met him.
Trust me, he's weird.
Make him go, make him go, make him go, make him Don't worry.
If you really don't like him, we'll say there was a mistake and send him on his way.
Just like all the others.
Yes! Oh.
Hi, Tony.
Not much of a turnout, is it, Milt? Like last Friday all over again.
My 40th.
Oh, that.
Well, you know, those tea towels won't iron themselves.
Well, they'd better come soon I can't stop long.
I've got my boy coming over.
Oh, they'll come, they've got to.
It's a residents' meeting.
My boy, for the night! Have I shown you the new photo of him? Got my eyes, don't you think? Mm You do think so, don't you? Totally, absolutely.
The eyes, yes.
Yeah, we're having a bit of a lads' night in, you know curry, DVD, watch it on the new 38-inch plasma.
Sorry I'm late.
Flowers.
Pollen.
Allergic.
Fur balls.
I brought Hercules with me, cos he's not himself and, erm I don't like to leave him on his own.
I'll, er just get the biccies.
Oh, just the boring ones, eh? Oh, look, there's another l No, no, you must eat the top layer first, otherwise it's bad luck.
Residents' meeting, eh, Milton? Nothing serious, I hope.
Thought we'd welcome the new tenant.
I didn't realise he wouldn't have the common courtesy to turn up.
Well, maybe Oh, well No, no, no.
That doesn't mean we can't hang out for a bit, have a bite to eat.
Bit of a chat.
Hi, guys.
How's it hanging? Tony? Tone? Tone.
Giggles.
Hello again, Milton.
Still no sign of this mysterious Mother, eh? I hope it's not like in that movie, Psycho.
I tell you, I'm locking my door the next time I have a shower! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah, knocked up a few muffins.
Alice, this one's for you.
You see, blueberries contain a powerful natural antihistamine.
Oh, yes.
I feel like it's working already.
It's tremendously moist.
Milton.
No chance.
Those things can be lethal.
I got a whole hot cross bun stuck in my mouth once.
The only way I could get rid of if was with a big Phillips screwdriver.
Cos it's got a cross in it.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
This place is ideal for me.
I work in the City, you see.
I'm in futures.
Wow, so you're a Time Lord.
Stocks and shares, mate.
I would say it's not what's in your wallet that counts, it's what's in your heart.
And I'd rather spend my time doing whatever I can to fight poverty.
Only the other day, I punched a tramp.
Been a bit snowed under lately.
My business floated last week.
You're probably not eating enough fibre.
But enough about me, I want to hear about you guys.
But I thought, "Can't keep travelling forever.
" Amazing times, though.
You ever swum with dolphins, Alice? Oh.
Oh, no, no.
But that must be incredible.
I did that! I swam with dolphins! Well, almost.
They both died in the car on the way to the pool.
He's awful! Make him go, make him go, make him go Stop! Look, I told you if you don't like him, I'll just ask him to leave.
Hello, you must be Paul.
I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mix-up and I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
No-one told me Milton had a sister.
Oh! Oh, well, now You put you left leg in Your left leg out In, out, in out You shake it all about You do the ho Bed.
Key cokey and you turn around That's what it's a .
.
ll about! Whoa The hokey cokey Whoa, the hokey Tell me more, tell me more Did you get very far? You're quite astounding you could give Olivia Newton-John a run for her money any time.
Oh, you.
I've not trod the boards for quite a few years now.
I thought you'd come straight from the West End.
Hey, I know something you're sure to like.
Oh, is there nothing you can't do? Good night, Milton.
Good night.
Ah! Forgot the chocolates! And how long to you plan to keep this up, exactly? Maureen taught me this great new card game.
The aim is to be the first one to get rid of all your cards.
I assume all this is about last night.
I can't believe you're letting him stay.
Oh, honestly! I can just picture you standing there in your come-to-bed-shoes.
They're called slippers, Milton.
You wouldn't catch me compromising my dignity like that.
Did you know I was in town on Wednesday? Remember Wednesday? So I like bananas.
Where's the crime in that?! I suppose we could do with the money.
Money? He's just a nice guy, that's all! You must remember, Milton, that I may be your mum, but I'm also a woman and I have a woman's needs.
I don't like him and I don't want him in the house.
It's my house and it's up to me who lives here.
'Just 4% APR' 'Someone we really value ' 'You're someone we really value.
' I've been a fool.
Please, give me another chance.
I can't just switch contracts.
What kind of man do you take me for?! No, please You're pathetic.
So, are you going to ask her out, then? How on earth would that work? You're still pathetic.
Alice.
Have you even talked to her yet? No, not really.
Good.
You're still in with a chance.
Tony, you know about women.
You're still pretty close to your ex-wife.
Yes, and I guess you're wondering what that's down to.
600 yards, isn't it? You've just got to seize the moment.
Go for it! My dad used to say, "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger.
" Then he would release the bees.
I reckon this suit might swing it.
What do you reckon? Jacket on or jacket off? ON.
Definitely on.
I know exactly what you should do.
Just ask Paul about it.
Hi.
Hi-i-i.
Hi.
Hi.
'Ris Joshua Matanqua has to travel 20 miles to fetch water.
'They just wanted ?15 to buy him a bicycle.
'I sent them 30 with a note that said, ' "Send the other bike to me.
" ' Dinner, mine? Oh, that would be a lovely idea.
Don't wait up.
I wouldn't go down there if I were you.
I said, don't wait up.
Sit tight, Giggles.
I'll just pop out for a bottle of the old pinot grigio.
I can feel a migraine coming on.
Lock up, will you? Come on, baby, light my fire Come on, baby, light my fire Try to set the night on fire Oh, is that the time? I just have to go and feed Hercules, otherwise he gets really Don't be long.
It will only take me a moment to caramelise these creme brulees.
Just wondering how you're settling in, if there's anything I can do to help.
Lucky I made a spare one of these.
Creme brulee.
If that doesn't seal the deal, I don't know what will.
What's your secret weapon, I wonder.
Arctic roll Waitrose.
What were you planning to do, burst out when I popped to the loo? I don't know.
I hadn't really thought about it.
So, how does it feel to watch an expert at work? All it takes is a few simple tricks.
Come on, baby, light my fire Buy one, get one free.
She'll be here in a minute.
You'll look pretty tragic in a minute.
A minute, that shows how much you know.
It's roast quail, Hercules.
Yes, it's your favourite.
It may surprise you to find out, that I've no interest in her.
None at all.
Maybe it's the mother I'm after.
Easy as that.
But, no, as it happens, this is your lucky day.
It's actually you that I want.
Paul Snaith Primo Gas.
And before you ask, I couldn't give a monkey's if you're happy with your current supplier, but if you want me to leave, if you want your life back, you're going to have to switch contracts to Primo Gas.
Don't take it personal.
All of us gas guys have different techniques.
You'll never get away with this.
You'll be laughing the other side of your face when I call the regulator.
Oh no! Not the regulator? Oh, please don't call Ofgas! Oh, no! I'm terrified! They might send me a stern letter! Not the regulator! Oh, no.
The regulator's come.
Did someone say "regulator"? It's the regulator.
Ooh, I don't like the regulator.
Argh! You've been very naughty.
Oh, Mr Regulator! Oh, no.
The regulator's coming.
Not the regulator! Yes, the regulator.
Don't send me a nasty letter, Mr Regulator.
The regulator's coming! You've been very bad.
I'm sorry! Ooh, it's the regulator! I'm scared of the regulator.
So, Primo Gas Paul.
We meet again.
Alan Cooper.
I might have known.
Chocolates? That's a little desperate, isn't it? Argh! That was a close one.
I'm getting too old for this game, Milton.
Better get your paperwork together, so you can transfer from your current supplier, hadn't we? Have you up in a tick, Milton.
Hold on.
Please, no! He's got back-up! No, please.
Get off! I didn't! No.
No! Is everything all right, Paul? It's me, your Sandy.
You're the one that I want Ooh, ooh, ooh Honey! Hi After Did you Why don't we Has It's silly.
Why I've got We Morning, Milton.
Cards? I still can't believe they thought the bills were in your name.
This was on the mat for you.
Writing! Why didn't I think of that!? Classy place, too.
She must be pretty keen.
I've got to go.
Don't wait up! Oh.
That's better.
You don't have to switch right now.
Say you'll have a look at our tariffs.
Miracle Gas have got some very tempting tariffs.
Pudding, Milton? How about some profiteroles?
It's my pleasure to inform you 'you've already been pre-approved for a Second Direct card.
'At just 4% APR' 'Joshua Matanka is only eight, 'but in his short life, he and his four hungry brothers 'have seen much sadness, for he hasn't been 'lucky enough to be pre-approved for a Second Direct card!' It was the Ah! Couldn't get my last bag in, could you, mate? Hi.
I'm Paul, the new boy in number five.
You must be Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Nice to meet you, Giggles.
We're neighbours? Say, why don't you pop round for some food? Say, eightish? Lovely idea.
You can't! You can't! Why not, mate? There's a residents' meeting at 7:55.
Sharp.
Oh, no worries.
Oh, the bag.
Yeah, it's number five.
Cheers, mate.
Hello there.
I'm not buying anything.
No, I'm not, er I was just wondering where your gas comes from.
I beg your pardon?! No, no, I meant your gas.
You were walking past this house and you thought, "Hmm, I wonder where that man's gas comes from"? Yes.
This should help clear things up.
'Millions of years ago, a landmass formed, rich in forest.
'Trees inched ever skyward as dinosaur and primitive mammal 'took shelter 'twixt their lustrous foliage.
' Oh, Giggles, what are you like? 'And the fossil fuels of coal, oil and gas" 'Gas, being the hydrocarbon 'with the shortest molecular chain, was' Perfect Gas, eh? Those jokers! I hope old Mrs Harris across the street's all right.
Yeah.
Her curtains have been drawn for days now.
Those bottles on the front step are mounting up.
We should do something.
What, nick the milk? Poor woman.
Still, at least I'll never end up on my own like that.
Will I? - Ooh, I washed that for you, Mum.
- Washed it? Well, I couldn't find the instructions.
I thought, "Real animal fur must be lick-clean only.
" I won't be late.
But there's a residents' meeting.
Since when did you hold meetings? It's an emergency about the new tenant.
You knew I had to go and see Maureen.
You have to be here, it's a new tenant.
I have to go you know her Eric's only just passed on.
I am not going to miss the party of the year she's burning his clothes and everything.
Which reminds me, I need some marshmallows.
Maybe I won't be here when you get back.
Surprise, surprise, another clumsy attempt at emotional blackmail! Probably spend the night at a friend's.
Ah! Ooh! Fetch Mother's heart tablets, would you, dear? Quickly.
Oh What heart tablets? Well, you started it with your "friend".
Now, don't wait up.
This new tenant, I've met him.
Trust me, he's weird.
Make him go, make him go, make him go, make him Don't worry.
If you really don't like him, we'll say there was a mistake and send him on his way.
Just like all the others.
Yes! Oh.
Hi, Tony.
Not much of a turnout, is it, Milt? Like last Friday all over again.
My 40th.
Oh, that.
Well, you know, those tea towels won't iron themselves.
Well, they'd better come soon I can't stop long.
I've got my boy coming over.
Oh, they'll come, they've got to.
It's a residents' meeting.
My boy, for the night! Have I shown you the new photo of him? Got my eyes, don't you think? Mm You do think so, don't you? Totally, absolutely.
The eyes, yes.
Yeah, we're having a bit of a lads' night in, you know curry, DVD, watch it on the new 38-inch plasma.
Sorry I'm late.
Flowers.
Pollen.
Allergic.
Fur balls.
I brought Hercules with me, cos he's not himself and, erm I don't like to leave him on his own.
I'll, er just get the biccies.
Oh, just the boring ones, eh? Oh, look, there's another l No, no, you must eat the top layer first, otherwise it's bad luck.
Residents' meeting, eh, Milton? Nothing serious, I hope.
Thought we'd welcome the new tenant.
I didn't realise he wouldn't have the common courtesy to turn up.
Well, maybe Oh, well No, no, no.
That doesn't mean we can't hang out for a bit, have a bite to eat.
Bit of a chat.
Hi, guys.
How's it hanging? Tony? Tone? Tone.
Giggles.
Hello again, Milton.
Still no sign of this mysterious Mother, eh? I hope it's not like in that movie, Psycho.
I tell you, I'm locking my door the next time I have a shower! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah, knocked up a few muffins.
Alice, this one's for you.
You see, blueberries contain a powerful natural antihistamine.
Oh, yes.
I feel like it's working already.
It's tremendously moist.
Milton.
No chance.
Those things can be lethal.
I got a whole hot cross bun stuck in my mouth once.
The only way I could get rid of if was with a big Phillips screwdriver.
Cos it's got a cross in it.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
This place is ideal for me.
I work in the City, you see.
I'm in futures.
Wow, so you're a Time Lord.
Stocks and shares, mate.
I would say it's not what's in your wallet that counts, it's what's in your heart.
And I'd rather spend my time doing whatever I can to fight poverty.
Only the other day, I punched a tramp.
Been a bit snowed under lately.
My business floated last week.
You're probably not eating enough fibre.
But enough about me, I want to hear about you guys.
But I thought, "Can't keep travelling forever.
" Amazing times, though.
You ever swum with dolphins, Alice? Oh.
Oh, no, no.
But that must be incredible.
I did that! I swam with dolphins! Well, almost.
They both died in the car on the way to the pool.
He's awful! Make him go, make him go, make him go Stop! Look, I told you if you don't like him, I'll just ask him to leave.
Hello, you must be Paul.
I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mix-up and I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
No-one told me Milton had a sister.
Oh! Oh, well, now You put you left leg in Your left leg out In, out, in out You shake it all about You do the ho Bed.
Key cokey and you turn around That's what it's a .
.
ll about! Whoa The hokey cokey Whoa, the hokey Tell me more, tell me more Did you get very far? You're quite astounding you could give Olivia Newton-John a run for her money any time.
Oh, you.
I've not trod the boards for quite a few years now.
I thought you'd come straight from the West End.
Hey, I know something you're sure to like.
Oh, is there nothing you can't do? Good night, Milton.
Good night.
Ah! Forgot the chocolates! And how long to you plan to keep this up, exactly? Maureen taught me this great new card game.
The aim is to be the first one to get rid of all your cards.
I assume all this is about last night.
I can't believe you're letting him stay.
Oh, honestly! I can just picture you standing there in your come-to-bed-shoes.
They're called slippers, Milton.
You wouldn't catch me compromising my dignity like that.
Did you know I was in town on Wednesday? Remember Wednesday? So I like bananas.
Where's the crime in that?! I suppose we could do with the money.
Money? He's just a nice guy, that's all! You must remember, Milton, that I may be your mum, but I'm also a woman and I have a woman's needs.
I don't like him and I don't want him in the house.
It's my house and it's up to me who lives here.
'Just 4% APR' 'Someone we really value ' 'You're someone we really value.
' I've been a fool.
Please, give me another chance.
I can't just switch contracts.
What kind of man do you take me for?! No, please You're pathetic.
So, are you going to ask her out, then? How on earth would that work? You're still pathetic.
Alice.
Have you even talked to her yet? No, not really.
Good.
You're still in with a chance.
Tony, you know about women.
You're still pretty close to your ex-wife.
Yes, and I guess you're wondering what that's down to.
600 yards, isn't it? You've just got to seize the moment.
Go for it! My dad used to say, "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger.
" Then he would release the bees.
I reckon this suit might swing it.
What do you reckon? Jacket on or jacket off? ON.
Definitely on.
I know exactly what you should do.
Just ask Paul about it.
Hi.
Hi-i-i.
Hi.
Hi.
'Ris Joshua Matanqua has to travel 20 miles to fetch water.
'They just wanted ?15 to buy him a bicycle.
'I sent them 30 with a note that said, ' "Send the other bike to me.
" ' Dinner, mine? Oh, that would be a lovely idea.
Don't wait up.
I wouldn't go down there if I were you.
I said, don't wait up.
Sit tight, Giggles.
I'll just pop out for a bottle of the old pinot grigio.
I can feel a migraine coming on.
Lock up, will you? Come on, baby, light my fire Come on, baby, light my fire Try to set the night on fire Oh, is that the time? I just have to go and feed Hercules, otherwise he gets really Don't be long.
It will only take me a moment to caramelise these creme brulees.
Just wondering how you're settling in, if there's anything I can do to help.
Lucky I made a spare one of these.
Creme brulee.
If that doesn't seal the deal, I don't know what will.
What's your secret weapon, I wonder.
Arctic roll Waitrose.
What were you planning to do, burst out when I popped to the loo? I don't know.
I hadn't really thought about it.
So, how does it feel to watch an expert at work? All it takes is a few simple tricks.
Come on, baby, light my fire Buy one, get one free.
She'll be here in a minute.
You'll look pretty tragic in a minute.
A minute, that shows how much you know.
It's roast quail, Hercules.
Yes, it's your favourite.
It may surprise you to find out, that I've no interest in her.
None at all.
Maybe it's the mother I'm after.
Easy as that.
But, no, as it happens, this is your lucky day.
It's actually you that I want.
Paul Snaith Primo Gas.
And before you ask, I couldn't give a monkey's if you're happy with your current supplier, but if you want me to leave, if you want your life back, you're going to have to switch contracts to Primo Gas.
Don't take it personal.
All of us gas guys have different techniques.
You'll never get away with this.
You'll be laughing the other side of your face when I call the regulator.
Oh no! Not the regulator? Oh, please don't call Ofgas! Oh, no! I'm terrified! They might send me a stern letter! Not the regulator! Oh, no.
The regulator's come.
Did someone say "regulator"? It's the regulator.
Ooh, I don't like the regulator.
Argh! You've been very naughty.
Oh, Mr Regulator! Oh, no.
The regulator's coming.
Not the regulator! Yes, the regulator.
Don't send me a nasty letter, Mr Regulator.
The regulator's coming! You've been very bad.
I'm sorry! Ooh, it's the regulator! I'm scared of the regulator.
So, Primo Gas Paul.
We meet again.
Alan Cooper.
I might have known.
Chocolates? That's a little desperate, isn't it? Argh! That was a close one.
I'm getting too old for this game, Milton.
Better get your paperwork together, so you can transfer from your current supplier, hadn't we? Have you up in a tick, Milton.
Hold on.
Please, no! He's got back-up! No, please.
Get off! I didn't! No.
No! Is everything all right, Paul? It's me, your Sandy.
You're the one that I want Ooh, ooh, ooh Honey! Hi After Did you Why don't we Has It's silly.
Why I've got We Morning, Milton.
Cards? I still can't believe they thought the bills were in your name.
This was on the mat for you.
Writing! Why didn't I think of that!? Classy place, too.
She must be pretty keen.
I've got to go.
Don't wait up! Oh.
That's better.
You don't have to switch right now.
Say you'll have a look at our tariffs.
Miracle Gas have got some very tempting tariffs.
Pudding, Milton? How about some profiteroles?