Miracle Workers (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

1 WOMAN: The largest ice sheet in the Northern Hemisphere - is simply melting away.
- [REMOTE CLICKS.]
MAN: The five-alarm forest fire rages on.
- [REMOTE CLICKS.]
- A Florida man on bath salts has eaten a woman's face.
- Ay-yi-yi.
- [REMOTE CLICKS.]
MAN #2: And Buzz Dougan has shocked the world! BUZZ: I got to give thanks to my crew and to my sponsors, but mostly, I want to give thanks to the Lord for the victory.
And I just got to say praise God.
- [VIDEO REWINDING.]
- praise God praise God - [VIDEO REWINDING.]
- praise God - [VIDEO REWINDING.]
- praise God? Oh.
Uh, hey, Rosie! I was just, uh, working on fixing, uh, the problems down down on Earth.
It's time for your 1:00 meeting.
Oh, fantasy-football draft? You were going to reveal your plan to end all pain.
Oh.
That was today? [LAUGHING.]
I Uh, yeah, I've been working on that all quarter.
You know, just crunching numbers and Okay, you heard him! He's very busy.
He doesn't have time for this.
Come on! Chop-chop! [DOOR CLOSES.]
People talk every day about how the world is screwed up, but man, I say we're blessed.
Great things happen every day.
Great things! [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! And that, of course, was Buzz Dougan's final interview before his horrific explosion at Daytona.
He is dead.
- Come on! - Next up, the polar ice caps are melting at a historic rate.
- [SIGHS.]
- Scientists really cannot believe what is happening to our Mother Earth.
[REPORTERS TALKING AT ONCE.]
Hoochie mama.
[BELL DINGING.]
[SCREAMING.]
MAN ON P.
A.
: Attention Heaven Inc Morning shift starts now.
More budget cuts.
And in this next constellation, as you can see, if you connect all of the dots, you get a bear! What? He's the VP's nephew.
Oh.
A really big bear! [SIREN WAILS.]
GAIL: [SIGHS.]
Okay, Eliza Hunter.
So, you've applied for a transfer.
What is wrong with the - Department of Dirt? - Oh, nothing.
It has been a really rewarding experience making millions of tiny dirt clumps and wetting them, drying them, watching them blow away, but I think I might be ready for a little more responsibility.
Why is that? The Department of Dirt is one of the most stable jobs we've got here.
Mark worked in the Department of Dirt for 80,000 years.
Got his pension, has a very nice condo, and he's happy.
I know.
I'm really happy for Mark.
I just I just feel like there's a lot of big problems down on Earth, and I want to do more to help.
Eliza, I know you're new here, but there's something you've got to understand.
It's way too late to fix Earth.
It's not 30,000 B.
C.
anymore.
It's not 20 jacked naked people and a bunch of rockin' dinosaurs gettin' nasty in some sick-ass cave somewhere.
I don't I don't think that's how that was.
My point is, you can't fix Earth.
Not if you don't give me a shot.
Okay.
Fine.
I will transfer you to the Department of Answered Prayers.
Wait, there's a department that answers prayers? - Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
[GASPS.]
I can't wait to see it.
[WATER DRIPPING.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Hello? [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[KEYBOARD CLACKS, BEEPING.]
Hello? Dividing all that Hello? - Aah! - Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! - Hey, it's cool.
I'm cool.
- Oh.
They just transferred me from Dirt.
I'm Eliza.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
Oh, well, welcome! Sorry.
I'm Craig.
I'm so sorry for screaming at you.
I've been alone for years.
And I wasn't expecting anyone.
It's all good.
It is a little dark in here, huh? I-I-I don't know.
- [BANG.]
- WOMAN: Lights are on.
All right, so, which prayer do we answer first? Saving a life, curing a disease? You have arrived at a great moment.
This one is set to be a nail-biter.
All right.
Please let me find my car keys.
Keys.
Okay, yeah, guess we gotta get this little one out of the way.
- Let's zap her the keys.
- Oh, no.
We can't break the laws of physics.
No zapping.
No flying.
Nothing they're gonna notice.
So how do we answer prayers? Discreet, natural phenomena.
Ha ha ha.
Sneaky, sneaky.
Teasing me from beneath the snow.
Ah, but you can't hide from Papa.
No, Papa sees you.
And Papa is coming for you.
WOMAN: One snowflake melted.
- [KEYBOARD CLACKS.]
- Two snowflakes melted.
I'm sorry.
How much longer is this gonna 900,317 snowflakes melted.
- WOMAN #2: My keys! - WOMAN #1: Prayer complete.
Okay, okay.
So, now we move onto something bigger? Well, no, no, no.
We're not done yet.
Here's something fun.
And you can put it on the wall.
Uh, let's see.
We've got lost keys lost keys lost keys.
A lot of lost keys this month.
- Ah! I found a good one.
- What? Let's see.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN.]
Okay, let's get started.
Um Oh, uh, I'll handle this.
- Wha - [SCREAMS.]
Whoa! You're just gonna let those wolves go to town on that guy? I find it's best to stick with the small ones.
But don't worry.
"Impossibles" go all the way to the top.
And so, if anyone can handle them, he can.
Oh, okay.
[GRUNTS.]
Ahh! Jordan! Damn it! [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
God, I know it's been a rough few thousand years, but I think you're being too hard on yourself.
You know, you've still got a lot of fans down there.
Not like before.
Do you know how long it's been since someone sacrificed a ram to me? I thought that grossed you out.
You know, it did.
But at the same time, there was something nice about it.
I mean, it made me feel like, you know, - hey, I'm doing all right.
- Mm.
Now sometimes I just feel like packing it all in - and moving on to the next thing.
- [BELL TOLLING.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's, uh Let's not do anything drastic, you know? Let's give it a beat.
Things will improve.
They better.
Impossible.
Impossible.
- [RUMBLING.]
- Oh! Incoming! [BELL RINGS.]
WOMAN: 2 million prayers received.
This department seems wildly understaffed! It was designed to accommodate a much smaller Earth population.
No one ever imagined the planet was gonna get this crowded.
There's no way we can answer all of those.
I generally try and shoot for three, four a day.
Although, now that I've got you, a teammate, there's no telling what we can do.
I'm thinking five six Maybe as many as six! [DOOR CLOSES.]
CRAIG: Hyah! Hyah! Oh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Hyah! Ha! Oh! [BEEP.]
WOMAN: Rain sequence initiated.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Yes! WOMAN: Prayer complete.
[ALARM BLARING.]
No! What happened? What did you do? Is that a good alarm? Wails of grief intermingle with the shrieking of the death winds as the typhoon rages on, taking the lives, and dignity, of thousands.
There's gotta be something we can do.
- I mean, you can press F7.
- Does that stop typhoons? No, it turns the sound off.
- this is horrible - WOMAN: Mute.
- Oh.
- Overflow.
Overflow.
Don't beat yourself up.
Hey, it's your first day.
We all make mistakes.
Oh, here's something fun Related prayers all come out together bundled.
It's a way to speed What do they say?! Oh, well, yeah, you know "Please save me," "Please save me," "Save me," "Please save me.
" "Please kill me.
" That's pretty chilling.
Come on, we gotta get these up there! - Oh, n Don't.
Okay.
- Prayer jam.
Maybe if I can unclog the tube Ooh.
Missing glove! [KEYBOARD CLACKS, BEEPS.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
Uh, where are you going? To fix this.
- [ALARM BLARING.]
- Tragedy.
Tragedy.
Tragedy.
Tragedy.
Tragedy.
Tragedy.
Oh, Lazy Susan, love of my life.
If only everything worked as good as you.
[DOOR SLAMS OPENS.]
I'm sorry, sir.
I told her you were busy.
It's all good.
Hey.
God.
Hi.
Hi.
Eliza.
What's up? Okay, there is a crazy typhoon happening, and it's killing lots of people.
Can you help? I don't want to sound cynical, but what's the point? Uh, the point is, you're God.
You made Earth, okay? It is yours.
And right now, it is in big, big trouble.
It is a mess! People are dying! And you you are the only one that can fix it.
Please, you have got to do something.
You know what? You're right.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I've been here 10,000 years.
He's never addressed the whole company before.
[FEEDBACK.]
- Hi.
- [FEEDBACK, CROWD GROANING.]
Sorry, guys.
Sorry.
Is that God? Um - Can they hear me? - Yeah.
Just lean in.
Yeah.
Um so, I've decided to blow up Earth.
[CROWD GASPS.]
And, uh I guess that's it.
All right.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
So, uh, just to be totally clear you want to destroy the entire world and kill everyone? Yeah.
But that's not why I brought you in here.
We have something bigger to discuss my next thing.
I bet you a hundo you can't guess what it is.
Is it a new planet? You owe me a hundo! This here is a restaurant.
- What? - I call it Lazy Susan's.
Okay, what two things do people love the most? - Uh - Great food.
And lazy rivers.
Right? Here's how it works.
The outside is a lazy river.
And the middle part here is an island that has, you know, like, all these great chefs making all kinds of food.
Now, you, you're floating around with, uh, some sort of a claw-type device, right? And when you see a food you like, you just reach out with your claw, and you grab it with your claw.
Couple of questions.
Shoot.
If you're blowing up the Earth, where will the restaurant be? Space? Somewhere in space? I don't know.
That's your department.
Oh.
I'm involved.
We are really doing something.
Something amazing.
I love you, buddy.
I love you.
MAN ON P.
A.
: Reminder All departments are responsible for the disposal of their assets.
All right, that's your severance package.
You get two weeks of health coverage for every thousand years of service.
- This is horrible.
- You'll land on your feet.
There are other galaxies out there and other jobs.
If you want, I can put a referral in for you at the Borgon Nebula.
W-Would I be answering prayers there? Well, there's no life-forms there, so, no.
You'd mainly be swirling debris.
Right? And does the debris ever dance? What? Say the debris had lost an object, and then that object were found for it, would the debris be like [SIGHS.]
Craig, look, this is a good opportunity for you.
You have been working for centuries.
So just take a break.
Hang out with your friends.
Yes.
My friends.
You know, you don't even need to stick around today.
Skip out early.
Go get a burger with your buddies.
- Mm.
Burgers.
- [LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE.]
Speaking of, looks like happy hour's starting early.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait for me, ya dickheads! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, LAUGHTER.]
And I already have a prototype for the claw.
Bet you a hundo I can pick up a single peanut.
Damn it! It was working good before.
Yeah, it's a great idea for a restaurant.
But you know what else was a really great idea? - Earth.
- Nah.
Come on, you said it yourself It's a mess.
I mean, look at all those prayers.
They're impossible.
Maybe I can I can help.
You couldn't answer a single one of those.
You wanna make a bet? A bet? You hear that, Sanjay? A bet.
[LAUGHS.]
Interesting.
- You thinking a hundo? - Mm I was thinking something a little higher-stakes.
Ohh! A thouso? Bigger.
If I answer one of these "Impossible" prayers, you spare Earth.
A-All right.
All right.
But.
If you fail The Earth explodes.
Yeah, but, also you have to eat a worm.
Alive.
The whole thing.
The head and the butt.
In front of everyone.
And you have to act like you like it.
You have to go, "Mmm.
Oh-ho! Mmm.
Yum.
I like worms.
" [LAUGHS.]
Hey! Did you hear that, Sanjay? Isn't that great? Very funny.
All right.
Good luck.
How long do I have? - Two weeks.
- How about a month? Two weeks! Oh.
WOMAN: Prayer 98% complete.
Great news! I figured it out.
- Please not now.
- Listen, I made a bet with God, and all we have to do to save the world is answer one of these Please just leave me alone.
Craig, this is a big deal! - Come on! - Oh! - Oh! - Minor earthquake.
That was hours of work.
So what? It's just a missing glove.
- Who cares about gloves? - I do! I care about gloves! I care about gloves! No, look, I know.
You think what I do is small and stupid and insignificant.
But it is my life.
I-I don't have anything else.
All right, the rest of you are fine.
You just go around.
"Oh, let's go grab a burger.
Let's all socialize, get burgers together.
Let's go to a party and have burgers," or however it goes I don't know how it goes.
Maybe I will never know.
But I knew about my job.
I was good at that, at least.
And you've taken that away from me.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[COMPUTER POWERS ON.]
Please.
I really need my glove.
[BAG THUDS.]
Oh, good.
You're here.
Why? What have you done now? Oh, I just, uh I wanted to make sure you got the last leaf.
Ah! My glove! WOMAN: Prayer complete.
Well, no, you should stamp it.
- You sure? - Absolutely.
It was a team effort.
[GUNSHOT.]
Time to kill.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
- F7? - Yeah, F7.
Whoo! Woman: Mute.
[SIGHS.]
That's a lot to go through.
We should probably get started.
Maybe we can do it over burgers? Burgers? "Please save the rainforest.
" Impossible.
"Please stop all wars.
" No.
"Please make everyone just chill out on Twitter.
" - "Wi-Fi.
" - "Wi-Fi.
" - "Airport Wi-Fi.
" - "Wi-Fi.
" "Wi-Fi.
" [LAUGHS.]
Craig, come on! Craig, leave 'em! Uh, it was really nice meeting you.
You too.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[SIGHS.]
Please, if anybody is listening I really like this girl.
Just please make this happen.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, love prayers never work, all right? There's There's too many variables.
So, that girl he likes could be uninterested in him, or she could be in love with somebody else.
But check it out.
Related prayer.
[VIDEO REWINDING.]
[KEYBOARD CLACKS, BEEP.]
Please, if you're listening I really like this guy.
Please make this happen.
[KEYBOARD CLACKS.]
This could work.
I don't know.
These prayers seem kinda vague.
I mean, "make it happen"? Like, what does that even mean? Uh, it just means they want to become a couple.
Yeah, but at what point do two people "become a couple"? How about we'll say the prayer has been answered if they go out on a date? Yeah, I don't know.
I think they really have to, like, you know, "do it.
" - Right? - Two dates.
And they hold hands.
I think it needs to be full sex.
- How about a kiss? - Ooh, a kiss! Romantic.
Ha.
Little Casanova over here.
[LAUGHS.]
I like it.
Rosie? Bring it in.
WOMAN: Earth destruction in two weeks.
All right, wait a minute.
Eliza, are you sure you want this prayer? 'Cause once Rosie closes up that world-explody thing, - there's no turning back.
- [BOMB TICKING.]
I don't want you crying when everybody starts calling you "Worm Breath.
" - What? - I'm sure.
All right.
It's a bet.
[POPS LIPS.]
Bet is made.
[LAUGHS.]
You just picked the hardest prayer in the box! Uh n It doesn't seem that hard.
I mean, these two people, they really like each other.
They They get along, they're they have fun together, they're in close physical proximity.
I mean, it should be simple.
Right, Craig? Right.
Yes.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, should be simple.
- Hey, you shaved.
- Did I? Yes, I did.
- You ready? - Let's do it.
No, sir, love ain't easy.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
She is gonna eat that worm.
[WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
MAN: Police say the "shotgun killer" is still at large.
Not a single fingerprint was found, leading investigators to conclude that the killer must have been wearing what could have only been two gloves.
BOTH: F7.
WOMAN: Mute.