Mockingbird Lane (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 [Dramatic music.]
[Crickets chirping.]
There's not gonna be any breakfast tomorrow because somebody ate all of our breakfast food.
Would anybody like to say anything before we discuss community, responsibility, and Wildlife Honor? We all know who it was.
Wallace has had a serious eating disorder, and we all ignored it.
No one's ignoring anything, Huey.
Well, someone gave him an honors patch in personal fitness.
Ahem.
Oh.
I didn't see you there.
- Ow! - Wallace! I could hear whatever snack wrappers you have in your pocket crinkling when you hit me.
The crinkle is stay-dry lining.
Also, whatever got into the foods was probably a wild animal, like a baby bear.
I saw you hiding in the tall grass, eating a box of Colonel Crunch.
- He called you out.
- That was my Colonel Crunch.
Wasn't me.
I'm allergic to grass.
First, we're surrounded by grass, so I guess your grass allergies make you hungry.
Second [Laughter.]
And third, did you really think you could make us believe there was some mysterious wild baby bear out there in the forest, eating all our sugar cereal? [Roars.]
[Kids gasp.]
[Eerie music.]
[Screams.]
[Kids screaming, beast snarling.]
[Beast snuffles and growls.]
[Low growling.]
[Screams.]
[Huffing and puffing.]
[Beast snarls.]
Ugh! Ouch.
[Slow footsteps.]
[Fabric rips.]
[Beast growls softly.]
[Gasps.]
[Beast growls.]
[Beast barks and snarls.]
[Screams.]
[Screams desperately.]
[Kids screaming.]
[Beast snapping and snarling.]
[Beast howls.]
[Crows cawing.]
[Eerie music.]
- Where's Eddie Munster? - Shh.
Is it still out there? [Music intensifies.]
[Theme song plays.]
[Birds chirping.]
May I ask why the sudden move? No.
All right.
Well, this, it's an emotional property, ideal for any multi-generational family.
We're not just any family.
Well, the sun shines more on this house than any other house in the neighborhood.
Not a feature we're looking for.
What about that one? [Ominous music, crows cawing.]
It's a very emotional property for entirely different reasons.
The former owner was a notorious serial killer - who poisoned hoboes.
- I'll take it.
It's not for sale.
They're tearing it down.
But they haven't yet.
That's a horrible place.
Horrible things happened there.
They found dozens of graves in the backyard.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, maybe you could buy the lot once the grounds have been cleansed.
My aunt and uncle prefer pre-cleansed.
Miss, there may be dead homeless people in the walls.
Then they found a home after all.
[Crow caws.]
[Ominous music.]
[Door creaks.]
[Door squeaks shut.]
[Inhales deeply.]
It already smells like home.
This whole move was very abrupt.
A happy confluence of events that happened to coincide with an unfortunate baby bear attack.
A lot of fuss over a baby bear attack.
I don't even remember.
Be glad you don't remember.
It ravaged and tossed your naked body into the shrubs.
And that baby bear is still out there.
We didn't have to leave town.
It wasn't gonna follow me home.
Not right away, but wait 29 days.
What happens in 29 days? That's about how long it takes for a baby bear to regroup.
I didn't get to say good-bye to anybody.
Moving away is a form of good-bye.
Mm, not really.
Did Grandpa try to eat somebody again? Is that why we had to leave? No, not Grandpa.
[Metallic creak.]
Whoa.
[Coin clinks down steps.]
If we see any dead hoboes, I can run a fingerprinting patch and find their families.
[Coin clinking faintly.]
Hoboes don't have families.
Grandpa said I had a condition.
He did, did he? He said it like he says when he says Marilyn has a condition, but he said my condition cleared up.
Well, I'm sure it's a different condition.
But I like being normal, like Marilyn.
Don't say that in front of Grandpa.
Say you like being like your dad.
I promise it will be just as annoying.
And you do get that condition from me.
Which one of you? This one of me.
[Heart beating.]
Your heart feels funny.
That's how I know who I am when I'm made of so many different people.
[Whistles melody.]
[Truck beeping.]
[Both speaking Spanish.]
- - [Eerie music.]
[Grunting.]
- - [Rats squeaking.]
Ay, dios mio.
[Engine turns over.]
Espere! Espereme! [Tires screech.]
Grandpa, cover yourself.
What will the neighbors think? The neighbors should be more concerned with what I'm thinking.
[Soft whooshing.]
[Wistful music.]
Hello, Lily.
Hello, Herman.
Welcome to your new home.
[Gasping.]
[Gasping.]
I wonder if this would've happened sooner if I breastfed.
I have to assume you're talking about Eddie.
Evidently it's important.
You were so nervous about holding him after what your sister did to Marilyn.
Well, that was post-partum.
Mothers who breastfeed are closer to their babies.
It's a fact.
A suckling baby changes the mother's brain and makes them love harder.
You couldn't love Eddie any harder.
I could've if I breastfed.
He was just so pink and plump.
You have to stop thinking of him as fragile and/or edible.
He's asking questions.
I don't want him to know.
He's gonna find out.
We have at least two more baby bear attacks before he gets suspicious.
He needs someone to talk to.
Well, he can talk to Grandpa.
[Scoffs.]
[Metal clanks.]
I heard that.
Be careful, Herman.
[Sighs.]
You love too hard.
Are you excited for your new school? All the new friends you're going to make? Isn't that exciting? Why are you small-talking me? I'm not small-talking.
Well, you're not big-talking.
Why are you wearing that uniform? We all have our uniforms.
It gives me structure.
This can be a traumatic time in a boy's life.
- He needs structure.
- Mm-hmm.
Is there something wrong with me? That is exactly the kind of shame I do not want coming out of your mouth.
The only one in this family who should feel shame is Marilyn.
But you carry it so beautifully.
Well, I wouldn't change a hair on your body, no matter where they may grow.
Are we having that conversation? I know all about puberty.
You see, he knows all about puberty.
I just don't want to talk about the changes my body is going through.
We will talk about that later.
We will talk about that later.
We will talk about it later.
What are we talking about now? What are we talking about now? All you need to know now is you're not always gonna be the same person tomorrow that you were today.
But we will always be your family.
Always.
[Horn blares.]
That's my bus.
Eddie! Eddie.
You didn't say good-bye.
Walking away is a form of good-bye.
Hey.
I know you're lying to me.
I don't know about what, but you're lying.
[The Magnetic Fields' I Think I Need a New Heart.]
So I think I need a new heart.
Oh oh I think I need a new heart.
Oh oh I think I need a new heart.
[Gasps.]
[Pop, spurt.]
[Chokes.]
[Grunts.]
[Suspenseful music.]
[Wind whistling.]
Ready! [Gasps.]
[Panting.]
We found you in the yard.
Raccoons were having their way with you.
It seems you broke your heart.
Shame on you for being so sentimental.
It's my heart.
It's sentimental by definition.
- Ruined.
- Hey, hey, hey.
That's my last original part.
Put that back in.
Take this thing out.
This thing is a piece of genius.
Put my heart back in, and clean it first.
Please.
This doesn't feel like me.
[Sighs.]
You're too attached to how things were.
Only "were" is now "were-wolf".
Eddie knows I'm lying to him.
He can smell your deceit.
You've never raised a werewolf.
I have.
Have you raised one successfully? My son Leslie was born covered in hair.
I knew exactly how to raise him.
You hired nannies to raise him, and then you let him eat the nannies.
That's what they were hired for.
I know exactly how to raise Eddie.
You were never a Munster until I made you a Munster.
Eddie was born one.
There's nothing you ever have done or can do as a parent that will change that.
You ready? Sneeze.
[Sneezes.]
[Groaning.]
There we go.
[Grunts.]
[Gasping.]
Tell Eddie there is no baby bear.
[Grunting.]
And say good-bye to your heart, 'cause when it goes and it will go all the king's horses and all the king's men will never put Humpty together again.
[Heart beating squeakily.]
[Zipper zips.]
I preferred it when the village was further away and we had a moat.
The best moats are made of good manners and filled with congeniality.
Then I shall make cookies.
Cookies? [Metallic squeak.]
Hello, my name is Marilyn.
- Hello.
- This is my grandpa, Grandpa.
- Hello.
- You must call me "D.
" We just moved in across the street.
Yes, I know.
The hobo murder house.
Pardon me if I don't take any food from you or invite you into my home.
- Who is it? - Hobo murder house! Stop.
[Chuckles.]
Welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm Tim.
My wife, Marie.
Cookie? [Ominous chord.]
[Crunching.]
They're bloody good, aren't they? That is some cookie.
Timothy, uh we just moved in? You just said we just moved in.
Were you planning on staying? I was hoping on staying.
Were you planning on me not staying? I was going to miss you, of course.
But I was also going to be quite pleased you weren't here.
I'm touched that you'd miss me.
Marilyn, I adore you.
I was the one that talked your mother out of eating you.
- But you cannot stay.
- Why not? Aren't you enrolled in higher education somewhere? I transferred my class credits.
- Campus accommodation.
- It's a community college.
Marilyn! You're not hearing me.
I'm going to start drinking again.
Now that Eddie is in the family way, I think me not drinking would just give out the wrong message.
Like drinking is bad? Honestly, your mother wanting a baby and then wanting to eat that baby was just embarrassing.
I'd rather not have all that rummaging through my head when I'm trying to have a drink.
Timothy! Your house is a palace.
Your wife is interesting.
Would you like to come in? Can you, of your own free will, rephrase that as a statement? - Please come in? - Don't mind if I do.
Welcome to my lovely home.
Green.
I love green.
Choir: Chuck Chuck chicky-chicky Chuck Chuck boo, Chuck Chuck You know what I love about being a Wildlife Explorer? Everything.
But it starts with the uniform.
The explorer uniform is our superhero costume.
This neckerchief is a cape.
Those patches are the armor of experience and adventure.
How many patches do you have? - All of 'em.
- Hey, Eddie.
This is my dad.
Ah, Mr.
Munster.
Oh, I like your necklace.
Is that a What is that? My son-in-law would forget his head if it wasn't sewn on.
Uh, it's a it's a a thing.
This is Eddie's grandpa, Grandpa.
I have a disease.
So, you like camping, Eddie? Eddie likes to run wild in the wild, if you know what I mean.
Yes.
Wildlife Revelry is just around the corner.
You might see some of your old friends.
Did you say what your old pack number was? Do the packs have numbers? Yeah, they're sewn right on your - Oh, yours doesn't have one.
- Must've fallen off.
[Chuckles.]
Gravity, eh? Mr.
Munster, can I talk to you? I'm not a suspicious person by nature, but I'm assuming there's a reason you don't want me to know Eddie's old pack number.
- Pack 110.
- Pack 110? He doesn't remember that night.
- Well, what does he remember? - Just what we told him.
Lies, mostly.
He knows there was a baby bear.
I don't remember the baby bear.
Oh, my heart feels for the boy.
Does it? Stop.
[Door booms.]
[Door creaks.]
[Mystical music.]
Who is that? That's my mom.
[Hearts pounding.]
Did your heart just skip a beat? We all must know our place in the circle of life.
The deer eats the grass, and someday, when the deer dies, he'll fertilize the ground so more grass will grow, so more deer can eat.
Are you sure there's a patch for this? It's the circle of life patch.
There is an important intermediary step that we are missing here.
The deer eats the grass and then is itself eaten, and then the thing that ate it dies and fertilizes the ground so more grass can grow, so more deer can eat and then be eaten.
But some deer can live long lives.
Nope.
[Roar.]
[Growling and chewing.]
Also, as an intermediary step, sometimes deer want to be eaten.
They're depressed and lonely, so that lion's doing the deer a favor.
That deer didn't look depressed.
No, I know.
I thought I saw it smile.
Does anything eat the lion? [Low roar.]
Grandpa.
It's nature.
Mom, I think something's wrong with Grandpa.
He took off all of his clothes, and then he ate a lion.
You weren't at the zoo, were you? The forest.
Grandpa and Marilyn were teaching me about the circle of life and suicidal deer.
The circle of life is a violent shape.
It is when Grandpa's drawing it.
Your grandpa is just trying to help you understand there's an order to life, so you don't hate the baby bears when they attack.
I don't hate that baby bear.
It was probably hungry and confused.
That's exactly right.
That baby bear was so confused, it couldn't possibly know what it was doing.
It's not like it wandered into a populated area.
Which reminds me.
If Grandpa's gonna start drinking again, don't you think we should warn the neighbors? Marilyn told you.
Grandpa told me when he ate a lion.
I think he wanted me to see him eat that lion so I can get used to him eating something big.
The thing Grandpa wants you to know about the circle of life is that he happens to be standing outside of it.
Are you inside it or outside? Well, I am my father's daughter.
You wouldn't try to eat somebody, would you, Mom? It would be natural if I did.
It's in my nature to eat and not be eaten.
Would you? I try my best not to.
I'm glad I'm not like you.
[Melancholy music.]
What I'm about to say I will say calmly, with even-tempered civility.
However, you should interpret my politeness as severe disapproval.
Why is that man painting the house? What people will do for a cookie.
And what did you put in those cookies? I might've cut myself whilst baking.
Don't turn the neighbors into your blood slaves.
So you came all the way out here just to complain about helpful neighbors.
This is about Eddie.
So it's an open, honest dialogue with my grandson you disapprove of.
You're not being open and honest.
You're being weird and confusing.
You ate a lion while naked.
The lion was naked.
It seemed polite.
Eddie is a sensitive young man.
[Window slams.]
You shouldn't be too hard on yourself for bringing him up that way.
You didn't know.
How could you? After Marilyn, we all assumed the worst.
He was born just like I was.
Yep, that's the worst we were assuming.
My son and my heart are the only two pieces of me that ever really felt like they were mine, and now Eddie's different, and I have a broken heart.
Well, we all know where we can get another one, don't we? Healthy as hell, feels already, skips a beat for Lily, all of it.
- What will we tell Eddie? - The truth.
That I stole the heart of his Wildlife Pack Leader that you exsanguinated? Well, he'd learn a brand-new word, for starters.
And I'd be very curious to his views on the subject.
I don't know what you're waiting for.
It's not as if a brand-new heart's just gonna drop out of the skies, is it? [Paint can clatters.]
[Ladder creaks.]
[Monitor beeping.]
Go again.
Clear.
[Defibrillator beeps.]
Still nothing.
[Sobbing.]
I don't understand any of this.
I couldn't get him to sweep the front porch, and he works himself to death painting the neighbor's house.
The strangest thing about grieving is realizing the loved one's death really isn't that big of a deal.
W Why would you say that to me? Have you had a cookie? I am gluten-free! Marie, your husband's death is like a Greek tragedy.
Wasn't it Agamemnon that fell from a ladder? Shut up! Shut up! We've got a pulse.
He's alive.
Tim? Tim? Marie? [Dog barking.]
Perfectly good heart.
You called an ambulance.
- Good evening.
- Hi there.
Herman, it's for you.
I'm very happy that we can have this little chat before dinner.
I suppose everyone knows you've come a-visiting.
- Uh, no.
- No? No one? No wife? No children? My wife was barren.
And ever since she died, the Wildlife Explorers is really the only socializing that I do.
Marriage and mortality.
Till death do us part.
I have had many brides.
All dead now.
- But we keep in touch.
- Hmm.
I feel Wendie Jo with me every day.
Lovely as that sentiment is, and it really is just so nice Have you ever thought of opening your heart to new possibilities? Oh, no.
I couldn't.
[Chuckling.]
Steven, it's not as if Wendie Jo is going to crawl up out of the grave and stop you from loving and being loved.
She was cremated.
And entombed.
Old school, eh? Sit.
Now, Steven, I have not been entirely honest with you.
- Uh-oh.
- It's Herman.
He's sick.
A sick man.
What's wrong with Herman? He's dying.
It is his heart.
And he's mortified at the thought of leaving Lily and Eddie without a husband and father, respectively.
[Sighs.]
Poor Herman.
Poor Lily.
Herman will be dead soon.
His suffering will be over.
It is Lily that must go on alone with her demons.
- It does get very lonely.
- Yes.
You are a widower.
Lily is almost a widow.
A widow-in-waiting.
A widow elect.
Do not be angry with me for just thinking of the future.
Seems a little sudden.
Since her husband is still alive.
He could go at any moment.
I'm simply asking you to think of the kindred spirit.
And open up your chest your heart.
[Dinner bell rings, thunder crashes.]
I didn't mean for me to be a surprise.
I meant for you to be a surprise.
Your surprises make me nervous.
This is a lot of meat.
Steven A widower, eh? It's very hard to come back from something like that, isn't it, Steven? Not so hard you wouldn't have lots to live for, though.
Right, Steve? A Wildlife Explorer honor patch helped put it all in perspective.
- Which one? - The genealogy patch.
One of the requirements is you make a family tree.
Eddie, you ever make a family tree? We tried it, but it took too long.
Grandpa's been alive forever.
It's a real nice way to remember everyone who's ever been a branch.
Even though they may be gone.
My branch is still here.
Your branch will always be there On your tree.
You all have made me feel so at home.
I feel like I'm sitting down, having dinner with my own family.
Part of you is.
[Breathes.]
Herman, a word.
Why is that man in our house? I was going to take his heart, and Grandpa wants to drink his blood.
Are either of those things going to happen in the dining room tonight? "I don't know" may not be the answer you're looking for.
Herman Neither of those things will happen in the dining room tonight or in front of Eddie, ever.
I agree.
That should be our goal.
[Sighs.]
We have to tell Eddie what he is.
Yes.
I mean, you have to tell him.
Shouldn't we both tell Eddie? I don't want him to look at me how he's gonna look at me when he finds out he's gonna be like me.
I don't have the heart to tell him.
I'm not sure I do either.
[Zipper unzipping.]
Oh, Herman.
What's wrong with your heart? I love too hard.
I really liked how this heart felt feels about you About Eddie.
To a lesser extent, Marilyn, to a much lesser extent, Grandpa.
I'm afraid of feeling differently.
Well, I can survive feeling differently, as long as we feel like a family.
Easy to lose your appetite when you're worried about your dad.
- I don't eat meat.
- Since when? Since whenever the last time I ate meat was, which will be the last time I will ever eat meat.
No, no, no, no, no.
We Munsters are meat eaters.
Have been for centuries.
You too, young lady.
Now, this, little lad, is the same temperature he was when he was running around.
- Tuck in.
- I'm not eating it.
You're not having any vegetables until you eat your meat.
Edward, stop playing with your food.
I will if you will.
That is a gross cliche, and it is beneath you.
My grandpa's gonna eat you.
- Is that happening tonight? - Hmm? [Laughing.]
Kids.
You'll find another heart, Herman.
Eddie has so few role models, and we can't let Grandpa eat any of them.
Eddie, you don't really think your grandpa's gonna eat me, do you? Yeah.
Nobody is eating Steve.
Steve, this is always awkward to ask a guest, even an unexpected one, but - Do you want me to leave? - Would you? Family matters.
Herman, I understand.
You gotta get to those things while you can.
Most disappointing.
Eddie was going to learn a new word.
Marilyn, would you mind showing Steve the door? Grandpa and I need to speak privately.
Uh, Eddie, that talk we were going to talk about later, let's talk about right now, just you and me.
Daddy, sit.
Steve, we will see you at the next Wildlife Explorer meeting.
- Good night! - Good night.
And God bless.
[Chuckles.]
Fat chance.
See you later, Steve.
[Forced giggle.]
- So nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- Run.
- What? [Roar.]
[Both scream.]
- Grandpa, Grandpa - Grandpa? [Roaring.]
No No, no, no, no! No, Grandpa.
Stop it.
[Metallic clanking.]
This is not how you treat company.
Listen, Aunt Lily has expressly forbid you eating anyone in the house.
[Roars.]
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, stop it He's a guest! Aah! Oops.
[Crashing.]
[Soft grunt.]
We don't need to have this talk.
I already know about embarrassing dreams and growing hair in strange places.
What about growing hair everywhere? Where else does it grow? There was no baby bear.
What was it? You.
What? You're the baby bear.
You told me I was ravaged and tossed naked into the shrubs.
Actually, you ravaged and ran naked through the shrubs.
You're a Munster.
Not a monster.
Eddie, look at me.
Did I hurt anybody? There were a few scratches, worth the price of the campfire anecdote.
You didn't do anything worse than turn into a werewolf.
There isn't anything worse! I love you, Eddie.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You have something to be careful of.
I don't want to be a Munster.
I want to be a vegetarian.
You don't have to be like any Munster there is.
Except Eddie Munster, who doesn't eat meat.
I can't be a vegetarian werewolf.
You can be a vegetarian when you can help it, and, when you can't That problem, we'll solve together.
Oh, no.
[Groaning.]
[Crash.]
[Muddy Waters' Mannish Boy.]
Now, when I was a young boy at the age of five, my mother said I'm gonna be the greatest man alive.
But now I'm a man.
I made 21.
I want you to believe me, honey, we havin' lots of fun.
Et voila.
Good as new? I know I am.
I'm a man.
I'm a full grown man.
I'm a man.
I'm a rollin' stone.
Think of it like that dog at your last school who could smell seizures.
That kid had a condition.
You have a condition.
A dog with a vest tells everybody I have a condition.
Nobody's got a dog like this.
You'll be the envy of all your everyone.
That's like telling a disabled person their wheelchair looks fun.
Next full moon, you'll have a pet who'll watch over you, so you won't hurt yourself or anybody else.
Will he watch over you too? Yes, he'll watch over me too.
A dog can't stop a werewolf from eating somebody.
This one can.
[Whistles.]
[Roar.]
[Crash.]
[Roaring.]
[Low growling.]
Do I get to keep him?
[Crickets chirping.]
There's not gonna be any breakfast tomorrow because somebody ate all of our breakfast food.
Would anybody like to say anything before we discuss community, responsibility, and Wildlife Honor? We all know who it was.
Wallace has had a serious eating disorder, and we all ignored it.
No one's ignoring anything, Huey.
Well, someone gave him an honors patch in personal fitness.
Ahem.
Oh.
I didn't see you there.
- Ow! - Wallace! I could hear whatever snack wrappers you have in your pocket crinkling when you hit me.
The crinkle is stay-dry lining.
Also, whatever got into the foods was probably a wild animal, like a baby bear.
I saw you hiding in the tall grass, eating a box of Colonel Crunch.
- He called you out.
- That was my Colonel Crunch.
Wasn't me.
I'm allergic to grass.
First, we're surrounded by grass, so I guess your grass allergies make you hungry.
Second [Laughter.]
And third, did you really think you could make us believe there was some mysterious wild baby bear out there in the forest, eating all our sugar cereal? [Roars.]
[Kids gasp.]
[Eerie music.]
[Screams.]
[Kids screaming, beast snarling.]
[Beast snuffles and growls.]
[Low growling.]
[Screams.]
[Huffing and puffing.]
[Beast snarls.]
Ugh! Ouch.
[Slow footsteps.]
[Fabric rips.]
[Beast growls softly.]
[Gasps.]
[Beast growls.]
[Beast barks and snarls.]
[Screams.]
[Screams desperately.]
[Kids screaming.]
[Beast snapping and snarling.]
[Beast howls.]
[Crows cawing.]
[Eerie music.]
- Where's Eddie Munster? - Shh.
Is it still out there? [Music intensifies.]
[Theme song plays.]
[Birds chirping.]
May I ask why the sudden move? No.
All right.
Well, this, it's an emotional property, ideal for any multi-generational family.
We're not just any family.
Well, the sun shines more on this house than any other house in the neighborhood.
Not a feature we're looking for.
What about that one? [Ominous music, crows cawing.]
It's a very emotional property for entirely different reasons.
The former owner was a notorious serial killer - who poisoned hoboes.
- I'll take it.
It's not for sale.
They're tearing it down.
But they haven't yet.
That's a horrible place.
Horrible things happened there.
They found dozens of graves in the backyard.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, maybe you could buy the lot once the grounds have been cleansed.
My aunt and uncle prefer pre-cleansed.
Miss, there may be dead homeless people in the walls.
Then they found a home after all.
[Crow caws.]
[Ominous music.]
[Door creaks.]
[Door squeaks shut.]
[Inhales deeply.]
It already smells like home.
This whole move was very abrupt.
A happy confluence of events that happened to coincide with an unfortunate baby bear attack.
A lot of fuss over a baby bear attack.
I don't even remember.
Be glad you don't remember.
It ravaged and tossed your naked body into the shrubs.
And that baby bear is still out there.
We didn't have to leave town.
It wasn't gonna follow me home.
Not right away, but wait 29 days.
What happens in 29 days? That's about how long it takes for a baby bear to regroup.
I didn't get to say good-bye to anybody.
Moving away is a form of good-bye.
Mm, not really.
Did Grandpa try to eat somebody again? Is that why we had to leave? No, not Grandpa.
[Metallic creak.]
Whoa.
[Coin clinks down steps.]
If we see any dead hoboes, I can run a fingerprinting patch and find their families.
[Coin clinking faintly.]
Hoboes don't have families.
Grandpa said I had a condition.
He did, did he? He said it like he says when he says Marilyn has a condition, but he said my condition cleared up.
Well, I'm sure it's a different condition.
But I like being normal, like Marilyn.
Don't say that in front of Grandpa.
Say you like being like your dad.
I promise it will be just as annoying.
And you do get that condition from me.
Which one of you? This one of me.
[Heart beating.]
Your heart feels funny.
That's how I know who I am when I'm made of so many different people.
[Whistles melody.]
[Truck beeping.]
[Both speaking Spanish.]
- - [Eerie music.]
[Grunting.]
- - [Rats squeaking.]
Ay, dios mio.
[Engine turns over.]
Espere! Espereme! [Tires screech.]
Grandpa, cover yourself.
What will the neighbors think? The neighbors should be more concerned with what I'm thinking.
[Soft whooshing.]
[Wistful music.]
Hello, Lily.
Hello, Herman.
Welcome to your new home.
[Gasping.]
[Gasping.]
I wonder if this would've happened sooner if I breastfed.
I have to assume you're talking about Eddie.
Evidently it's important.
You were so nervous about holding him after what your sister did to Marilyn.
Well, that was post-partum.
Mothers who breastfeed are closer to their babies.
It's a fact.
A suckling baby changes the mother's brain and makes them love harder.
You couldn't love Eddie any harder.
I could've if I breastfed.
He was just so pink and plump.
You have to stop thinking of him as fragile and/or edible.
He's asking questions.
I don't want him to know.
He's gonna find out.
We have at least two more baby bear attacks before he gets suspicious.
He needs someone to talk to.
Well, he can talk to Grandpa.
[Scoffs.]
[Metal clanks.]
I heard that.
Be careful, Herman.
[Sighs.]
You love too hard.
Are you excited for your new school? All the new friends you're going to make? Isn't that exciting? Why are you small-talking me? I'm not small-talking.
Well, you're not big-talking.
Why are you wearing that uniform? We all have our uniforms.
It gives me structure.
This can be a traumatic time in a boy's life.
- He needs structure.
- Mm-hmm.
Is there something wrong with me? That is exactly the kind of shame I do not want coming out of your mouth.
The only one in this family who should feel shame is Marilyn.
But you carry it so beautifully.
Well, I wouldn't change a hair on your body, no matter where they may grow.
Are we having that conversation? I know all about puberty.
You see, he knows all about puberty.
I just don't want to talk about the changes my body is going through.
We will talk about that later.
We will talk about that later.
We will talk about it later.
What are we talking about now? What are we talking about now? All you need to know now is you're not always gonna be the same person tomorrow that you were today.
But we will always be your family.
Always.
[Horn blares.]
That's my bus.
Eddie! Eddie.
You didn't say good-bye.
Walking away is a form of good-bye.
Hey.
I know you're lying to me.
I don't know about what, but you're lying.
[The Magnetic Fields' I Think I Need a New Heart.]
So I think I need a new heart.
Oh oh I think I need a new heart.
Oh oh I think I need a new heart.
[Gasps.]
[Pop, spurt.]
[Chokes.]
[Grunts.]
[Suspenseful music.]
[Wind whistling.]
Ready! [Gasps.]
[Panting.]
We found you in the yard.
Raccoons were having their way with you.
It seems you broke your heart.
Shame on you for being so sentimental.
It's my heart.
It's sentimental by definition.
- Ruined.
- Hey, hey, hey.
That's my last original part.
Put that back in.
Take this thing out.
This thing is a piece of genius.
Put my heart back in, and clean it first.
Please.
This doesn't feel like me.
[Sighs.]
You're too attached to how things were.
Only "were" is now "were-wolf".
Eddie knows I'm lying to him.
He can smell your deceit.
You've never raised a werewolf.
I have.
Have you raised one successfully? My son Leslie was born covered in hair.
I knew exactly how to raise him.
You hired nannies to raise him, and then you let him eat the nannies.
That's what they were hired for.
I know exactly how to raise Eddie.
You were never a Munster until I made you a Munster.
Eddie was born one.
There's nothing you ever have done or can do as a parent that will change that.
You ready? Sneeze.
[Sneezes.]
[Groaning.]
There we go.
[Grunts.]
[Gasping.]
Tell Eddie there is no baby bear.
[Grunting.]
And say good-bye to your heart, 'cause when it goes and it will go all the king's horses and all the king's men will never put Humpty together again.
[Heart beating squeakily.]
[Zipper zips.]
I preferred it when the village was further away and we had a moat.
The best moats are made of good manners and filled with congeniality.
Then I shall make cookies.
Cookies? [Metallic squeak.]
Hello, my name is Marilyn.
- Hello.
- This is my grandpa, Grandpa.
- Hello.
- You must call me "D.
" We just moved in across the street.
Yes, I know.
The hobo murder house.
Pardon me if I don't take any food from you or invite you into my home.
- Who is it? - Hobo murder house! Stop.
[Chuckles.]
Welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm Tim.
My wife, Marie.
Cookie? [Ominous chord.]
[Crunching.]
They're bloody good, aren't they? That is some cookie.
Timothy, uh we just moved in? You just said we just moved in.
Were you planning on staying? I was hoping on staying.
Were you planning on me not staying? I was going to miss you, of course.
But I was also going to be quite pleased you weren't here.
I'm touched that you'd miss me.
Marilyn, I adore you.
I was the one that talked your mother out of eating you.
- But you cannot stay.
- Why not? Aren't you enrolled in higher education somewhere? I transferred my class credits.
- Campus accommodation.
- It's a community college.
Marilyn! You're not hearing me.
I'm going to start drinking again.
Now that Eddie is in the family way, I think me not drinking would just give out the wrong message.
Like drinking is bad? Honestly, your mother wanting a baby and then wanting to eat that baby was just embarrassing.
I'd rather not have all that rummaging through my head when I'm trying to have a drink.
Timothy! Your house is a palace.
Your wife is interesting.
Would you like to come in? Can you, of your own free will, rephrase that as a statement? - Please come in? - Don't mind if I do.
Welcome to my lovely home.
Green.
I love green.
Choir: Chuck Chuck chicky-chicky Chuck Chuck boo, Chuck Chuck You know what I love about being a Wildlife Explorer? Everything.
But it starts with the uniform.
The explorer uniform is our superhero costume.
This neckerchief is a cape.
Those patches are the armor of experience and adventure.
How many patches do you have? - All of 'em.
- Hey, Eddie.
This is my dad.
Ah, Mr.
Munster.
Oh, I like your necklace.
Is that a What is that? My son-in-law would forget his head if it wasn't sewn on.
Uh, it's a it's a a thing.
This is Eddie's grandpa, Grandpa.
I have a disease.
So, you like camping, Eddie? Eddie likes to run wild in the wild, if you know what I mean.
Yes.
Wildlife Revelry is just around the corner.
You might see some of your old friends.
Did you say what your old pack number was? Do the packs have numbers? Yeah, they're sewn right on your - Oh, yours doesn't have one.
- Must've fallen off.
[Chuckles.]
Gravity, eh? Mr.
Munster, can I talk to you? I'm not a suspicious person by nature, but I'm assuming there's a reason you don't want me to know Eddie's old pack number.
- Pack 110.
- Pack 110? He doesn't remember that night.
- Well, what does he remember? - Just what we told him.
Lies, mostly.
He knows there was a baby bear.
I don't remember the baby bear.
Oh, my heart feels for the boy.
Does it? Stop.
[Door booms.]
[Door creaks.]
[Mystical music.]
Who is that? That's my mom.
[Hearts pounding.]
Did your heart just skip a beat? We all must know our place in the circle of life.
The deer eats the grass, and someday, when the deer dies, he'll fertilize the ground so more grass will grow, so more deer can eat.
Are you sure there's a patch for this? It's the circle of life patch.
There is an important intermediary step that we are missing here.
The deer eats the grass and then is itself eaten, and then the thing that ate it dies and fertilizes the ground so more grass can grow, so more deer can eat and then be eaten.
But some deer can live long lives.
Nope.
[Roar.]
[Growling and chewing.]
Also, as an intermediary step, sometimes deer want to be eaten.
They're depressed and lonely, so that lion's doing the deer a favor.
That deer didn't look depressed.
No, I know.
I thought I saw it smile.
Does anything eat the lion? [Low roar.]
Grandpa.
It's nature.
Mom, I think something's wrong with Grandpa.
He took off all of his clothes, and then he ate a lion.
You weren't at the zoo, were you? The forest.
Grandpa and Marilyn were teaching me about the circle of life and suicidal deer.
The circle of life is a violent shape.
It is when Grandpa's drawing it.
Your grandpa is just trying to help you understand there's an order to life, so you don't hate the baby bears when they attack.
I don't hate that baby bear.
It was probably hungry and confused.
That's exactly right.
That baby bear was so confused, it couldn't possibly know what it was doing.
It's not like it wandered into a populated area.
Which reminds me.
If Grandpa's gonna start drinking again, don't you think we should warn the neighbors? Marilyn told you.
Grandpa told me when he ate a lion.
I think he wanted me to see him eat that lion so I can get used to him eating something big.
The thing Grandpa wants you to know about the circle of life is that he happens to be standing outside of it.
Are you inside it or outside? Well, I am my father's daughter.
You wouldn't try to eat somebody, would you, Mom? It would be natural if I did.
It's in my nature to eat and not be eaten.
Would you? I try my best not to.
I'm glad I'm not like you.
[Melancholy music.]
What I'm about to say I will say calmly, with even-tempered civility.
However, you should interpret my politeness as severe disapproval.
Why is that man painting the house? What people will do for a cookie.
And what did you put in those cookies? I might've cut myself whilst baking.
Don't turn the neighbors into your blood slaves.
So you came all the way out here just to complain about helpful neighbors.
This is about Eddie.
So it's an open, honest dialogue with my grandson you disapprove of.
You're not being open and honest.
You're being weird and confusing.
You ate a lion while naked.
The lion was naked.
It seemed polite.
Eddie is a sensitive young man.
[Window slams.]
You shouldn't be too hard on yourself for bringing him up that way.
You didn't know.
How could you? After Marilyn, we all assumed the worst.
He was born just like I was.
Yep, that's the worst we were assuming.
My son and my heart are the only two pieces of me that ever really felt like they were mine, and now Eddie's different, and I have a broken heart.
Well, we all know where we can get another one, don't we? Healthy as hell, feels already, skips a beat for Lily, all of it.
- What will we tell Eddie? - The truth.
That I stole the heart of his Wildlife Pack Leader that you exsanguinated? Well, he'd learn a brand-new word, for starters.
And I'd be very curious to his views on the subject.
I don't know what you're waiting for.
It's not as if a brand-new heart's just gonna drop out of the skies, is it? [Paint can clatters.]
[Ladder creaks.]
[Monitor beeping.]
Go again.
Clear.
[Defibrillator beeps.]
Still nothing.
[Sobbing.]
I don't understand any of this.
I couldn't get him to sweep the front porch, and he works himself to death painting the neighbor's house.
The strangest thing about grieving is realizing the loved one's death really isn't that big of a deal.
W Why would you say that to me? Have you had a cookie? I am gluten-free! Marie, your husband's death is like a Greek tragedy.
Wasn't it Agamemnon that fell from a ladder? Shut up! Shut up! We've got a pulse.
He's alive.
Tim? Tim? Marie? [Dog barking.]
Perfectly good heart.
You called an ambulance.
- Good evening.
- Hi there.
Herman, it's for you.
I'm very happy that we can have this little chat before dinner.
I suppose everyone knows you've come a-visiting.
- Uh, no.
- No? No one? No wife? No children? My wife was barren.
And ever since she died, the Wildlife Explorers is really the only socializing that I do.
Marriage and mortality.
Till death do us part.
I have had many brides.
All dead now.
- But we keep in touch.
- Hmm.
I feel Wendie Jo with me every day.
Lovely as that sentiment is, and it really is just so nice Have you ever thought of opening your heart to new possibilities? Oh, no.
I couldn't.
[Chuckling.]
Steven, it's not as if Wendie Jo is going to crawl up out of the grave and stop you from loving and being loved.
She was cremated.
And entombed.
Old school, eh? Sit.
Now, Steven, I have not been entirely honest with you.
- Uh-oh.
- It's Herman.
He's sick.
A sick man.
What's wrong with Herman? He's dying.
It is his heart.
And he's mortified at the thought of leaving Lily and Eddie without a husband and father, respectively.
[Sighs.]
Poor Herman.
Poor Lily.
Herman will be dead soon.
His suffering will be over.
It is Lily that must go on alone with her demons.
- It does get very lonely.
- Yes.
You are a widower.
Lily is almost a widow.
A widow-in-waiting.
A widow elect.
Do not be angry with me for just thinking of the future.
Seems a little sudden.
Since her husband is still alive.
He could go at any moment.
I'm simply asking you to think of the kindred spirit.
And open up your chest your heart.
[Dinner bell rings, thunder crashes.]
I didn't mean for me to be a surprise.
I meant for you to be a surprise.
Your surprises make me nervous.
This is a lot of meat.
Steven A widower, eh? It's very hard to come back from something like that, isn't it, Steven? Not so hard you wouldn't have lots to live for, though.
Right, Steve? A Wildlife Explorer honor patch helped put it all in perspective.
- Which one? - The genealogy patch.
One of the requirements is you make a family tree.
Eddie, you ever make a family tree? We tried it, but it took too long.
Grandpa's been alive forever.
It's a real nice way to remember everyone who's ever been a branch.
Even though they may be gone.
My branch is still here.
Your branch will always be there On your tree.
You all have made me feel so at home.
I feel like I'm sitting down, having dinner with my own family.
Part of you is.
[Breathes.]
Herman, a word.
Why is that man in our house? I was going to take his heart, and Grandpa wants to drink his blood.
Are either of those things going to happen in the dining room tonight? "I don't know" may not be the answer you're looking for.
Herman Neither of those things will happen in the dining room tonight or in front of Eddie, ever.
I agree.
That should be our goal.
[Sighs.]
We have to tell Eddie what he is.
Yes.
I mean, you have to tell him.
Shouldn't we both tell Eddie? I don't want him to look at me how he's gonna look at me when he finds out he's gonna be like me.
I don't have the heart to tell him.
I'm not sure I do either.
[Zipper unzipping.]
Oh, Herman.
What's wrong with your heart? I love too hard.
I really liked how this heart felt feels about you About Eddie.
To a lesser extent, Marilyn, to a much lesser extent, Grandpa.
I'm afraid of feeling differently.
Well, I can survive feeling differently, as long as we feel like a family.
Easy to lose your appetite when you're worried about your dad.
- I don't eat meat.
- Since when? Since whenever the last time I ate meat was, which will be the last time I will ever eat meat.
No, no, no, no, no.
We Munsters are meat eaters.
Have been for centuries.
You too, young lady.
Now, this, little lad, is the same temperature he was when he was running around.
- Tuck in.
- I'm not eating it.
You're not having any vegetables until you eat your meat.
Edward, stop playing with your food.
I will if you will.
That is a gross cliche, and it is beneath you.
My grandpa's gonna eat you.
- Is that happening tonight? - Hmm? [Laughing.]
Kids.
You'll find another heart, Herman.
Eddie has so few role models, and we can't let Grandpa eat any of them.
Eddie, you don't really think your grandpa's gonna eat me, do you? Yeah.
Nobody is eating Steve.
Steve, this is always awkward to ask a guest, even an unexpected one, but - Do you want me to leave? - Would you? Family matters.
Herman, I understand.
You gotta get to those things while you can.
Most disappointing.
Eddie was going to learn a new word.
Marilyn, would you mind showing Steve the door? Grandpa and I need to speak privately.
Uh, Eddie, that talk we were going to talk about later, let's talk about right now, just you and me.
Daddy, sit.
Steve, we will see you at the next Wildlife Explorer meeting.
- Good night! - Good night.
And God bless.
[Chuckles.]
Fat chance.
See you later, Steve.
[Forced giggle.]
- So nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- Run.
- What? [Roar.]
[Both scream.]
- Grandpa, Grandpa - Grandpa? [Roaring.]
No No, no, no, no! No, Grandpa.
Stop it.
[Metallic clanking.]
This is not how you treat company.
Listen, Aunt Lily has expressly forbid you eating anyone in the house.
[Roars.]
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, stop it He's a guest! Aah! Oops.
[Crashing.]
[Soft grunt.]
We don't need to have this talk.
I already know about embarrassing dreams and growing hair in strange places.
What about growing hair everywhere? Where else does it grow? There was no baby bear.
What was it? You.
What? You're the baby bear.
You told me I was ravaged and tossed naked into the shrubs.
Actually, you ravaged and ran naked through the shrubs.
You're a Munster.
Not a monster.
Eddie, look at me.
Did I hurt anybody? There were a few scratches, worth the price of the campfire anecdote.
You didn't do anything worse than turn into a werewolf.
There isn't anything worse! I love you, Eddie.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You have something to be careful of.
I don't want to be a Munster.
I want to be a vegetarian.
You don't have to be like any Munster there is.
Except Eddie Munster, who doesn't eat meat.
I can't be a vegetarian werewolf.
You can be a vegetarian when you can help it, and, when you can't That problem, we'll solve together.
Oh, no.
[Groaning.]
[Crash.]
[Muddy Waters' Mannish Boy.]
Now, when I was a young boy at the age of five, my mother said I'm gonna be the greatest man alive.
But now I'm a man.
I made 21.
I want you to believe me, honey, we havin' lots of fun.
Et voila.
Good as new? I know I am.
I'm a man.
I'm a full grown man.
I'm a man.
I'm a rollin' stone.
Think of it like that dog at your last school who could smell seizures.
That kid had a condition.
You have a condition.
A dog with a vest tells everybody I have a condition.
Nobody's got a dog like this.
You'll be the envy of all your everyone.
That's like telling a disabled person their wheelchair looks fun.
Next full moon, you'll have a pet who'll watch over you, so you won't hurt yourself or anybody else.
Will he watch over you too? Yes, he'll watch over me too.
A dog can't stop a werewolf from eating somebody.
This one can.
[Whistles.]
[Roar.]
[Crash.]
[Roaring.]
[Low growling.]
Do I get to keep him?