Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
( birds chirping ) ( humming ) ( bellowing ) Now what or who would you say that is, Monty? Good lord.
Big Eric.
Lexie! Golly! Where are you? What's new, pussycat? Lexie, my jacket! Golly! Come on, come on.
Don't tell me, you've been invited on "The Clothes Show"? Golly! What's all the commotion? Morning, darling.
( dog barking ) - Stand aside, boy! - What? - Give me that.
- Sir, you should be careful.
Stand aside.
Hector! What is it? Big Eric, Golly, Big Eric! What's my foolish husband up to now? - I tried to tell him, honest.
- Tell him what? That the throttle keeps jamming.
Arghhh! ( whining ) ( theme music playing ) ( telephone ringing ) Man's voice: Hello, Flying Fish Restaurant.
Come on, Terry.
Get a move on it.
Curtain up in three hours.
Right- I've rung around.
11 confirmed, all bringing partners.
Archie, telephone.
Great, a swarm of critics all coming here.
That's all right - what is it? A shoal? A flock? Terry, what's the collective noun for food writers? Why are you so calm? I'm terrified already.
What could they do but destroy the enterprise We've slaved for years to get going? Shut up.
Justine, it will be wonderful.
You'll be serene and beautiful.
They'll love our little place, the food.
Hello.
Mother.
Your father, Nasty accident, dear, in the loch.
In the loch? No, of course, I'll come.
Yeah, I'll get the sleeper tonight.
Okay.
Bye.
My father's had some sort of accident.
I'm sorry, tonight of all nights.
You have to go.
I'll book you a cab to Houston.
I'll manage.
Archie, this is just a tiny restaurant.
Your family are 10 times more important.
You be himself? Yeah, I suppose I am.
How is he today? Your dad? Ach, he's in a terrible state.
What did you do that for, you stupid woman? Do stop fussing, Hector.
What will he do when he gets here, eh? Damn boy's always been as much use as a chocolate teapot.
Hector, you know very well- it's time.
I don't want him here.
And what do you want? Going fishing again, are we, Hector? I couldn't find my slippers, damn it.
Enjoy! Hags and harpies! I'm surrounded by hags and harp- Where are my Marmite soldiers? I had them court-martialed and shot.
I always have Marmite soldiers with my boiled egg.
Bairns will be bairns.
I am Hector Naismith MacDonald, 14th chief of an ancient line, Laird of Glenbogle, Ochintummel and Blawearie Or to you, girl, just plain sir.
Ach, away and play with your lineage.
Mm-mm.
Tasty.
Eh, Duncan? Duncan.
Duncan't.
Hello? Hello.
Oh, darling.
Mother.
- How is he? - How was your journey? - How bad is it? - We're so glad you're back.
- We need you, you see.
- What did the doctor say? So, the vultures are circling.
Father.
Excited by the prospect of my imminent demise? Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
You were supposed to be really ill.
I was temporarily immersed in water.
A trifle peaty, but I don't expect to start dissolving.
Just what is going on here? Tell me, how's that bar of yours doing? Hector, behave.
Pay no attention, dear.
It's not a bar.
It's a restaurant.
It opened last night.
Never thought a son of mine would turn out a publican.
I blame that awful Thatcher woman.
- I'm going back right now.
- Darling, I-I- - Who are you? - Robbie, my boy.
Robert Fraser.
Great to meet you.
I manage the estate.
Under your father's guiding hand of course.
And a jolly good job you make of it.
Come, we've work to do.
Mother!? Archie: We worked for months - for years to get the premises, Get the money, the staff.
Finally it all comes together, We plan this big opening night- and where am I? He was so very fragile.
I'm on a sleeper to Scotland, Hurrying to my dying father's bedside.
I thought you might be able to help.
That's all.
Help with what? Duncan, where are my bags? They're in the um I thought you should like your old room.
I have to get back.
I'm sorry.
Whatever you say.
You're a good boy.
Woman: Katrina, you'll never guess.
He's returned.
Who, maureen? The Jedi? Jesus Christ? Elvis Presley? The son and heir, Archie MacDonald.
After all these years.
I will not have my life defined by the tedious goings-on At what you're pleased to call "the big house.
" Very good-looking from what I hear.
( clicking ) ( phone beeping ) Justine? Ah, Duncan- Archie will be wanting to go back to the station.
- I'll be ready for him.
- Jolly good.
Geordie, it's Molly.
Hi, it's me.
Hello.
Yeah.
No, he's fine.
Fontwell Park, 4:30, horse called "Tickle My Fancy.
" What price? Put 50 on for me.
Good man.
Well, it's not quite as simple as that.
Hello? Oh, god.
Hello? Hello? Hello, Justine? Justine, hello.
Hello? Justine Justine! (echoing ) ( birds chirping ) ( twig snapping ) Mom's on the nest.
Dad's off fishing.
Trying anyway.
He's a useless specimen.
It's the same throughout nature- Female does the work making the home, Looking after the bairns, putting food on the table- Very funny.
Whereas the male now, he just stumbles along, Unsure of himself, what he's supposed to be doing Making a mess wherever he goes.
Just like that fellow there.
Where? - Get up! - Are you mad? Too right, I'm mad.
God, I hate you people.
- Katrina.
Katrina! - Come away out of there! Golly? Is that you? Laddie.
It's great to see you.
Thou were away too long, youngster.
Golly This is him, isn't it? I don't know? Are you him? I was, until the wild woman of the woods Started to rearrange my arms and legs.
- Now listen, you - Archie, meet Katrina, A loyal tenant of the Glenbogle estate.
- I thought you were after the ospreys.
- The what? Big thing with feathers, nests in that tree there.
Nearly extinct thanks to chinless wonders Who thought they looked better on the mantelpiece.
Okay, Mrs.
Attenborough, I've seen the documentary.
The nest further up the glen was robbed last week.
Katrina: That's why we built the hide.
Organized a rota to watch the nest.
What she means is the kids built the hide.
She organized the rota.
Well, if the landowner Won't take his responsibilities seriously, The community will.
It's our land really, anyway.
I'm sorry, run that one past me again, will you? Archie: You have a family, then? No, I don't.
It's just that Golly mentioned you had kids.
Oh, I'm the head teacher of the village school.
Oh, that old place.
It's very well equipped.
And the kids are as bright as buttons.
- I'm sure.
I didn't mean- - good thing, too, 'cause they're the future of this place, not- Anyway, are you staying long? No, I have to get back tonight.
Well, well, would you look at that.
We've all manner of modern contraptions up here, you know.
Telephones, spinning jennies, the wheel.
( muted hip-hop music playing ) Mother, father- I have to go- the sleeper.
Oh.
Very well, darling.
Lovely to see you.
Take care.
Hector: Off you toddle.
I did enjoy our little chat.
Turn that wretched hurdy-gurdy off.
( loud hip-hop music ) You won't catch much with that object, laddie, Except maybe a cold.
Archie's waiting.
( pan sizzles, bagpipes groan ) Does this smell all right to you? Sorry.
( engine cranks ) No go.
I'll have to strip the carburetor.
Really? Hector: Well, what are we having? Fatted calf? I hope not.
Sorry I'm late.
Great.
You're staying.
Love to show you around.
I've had another quote on the timber, Hector.
Looks quite promising.
- Good boy.
- See, Archie, Prices have fallen through the floor.
Cheap imports from Scandinavia.
It's hardly worth growing the things.
- But I had this idea- - don't waste your breath, He won't be interested.
A man could starve in his own dining room here.
Lexie! ( Golly clears throat ) I'd suck a "Fisherman's Friend" if I had a throat like that.
Trousers.
Aye, one must maintain standards, mustn't one? ( bagpipes hum ) ( bagpipes playing ) Ah.
( sniffs ) Hell's flames.
Not again.
Oh, heck.
Fuse again.
It's kind of exciting, eh? Down here in the dark, Crushed up like a pair of amorous sardines.
Pass us the screwdriver.
You always were one for your tools? Eh, big boy? Careful, Dunc, you're squeezing my funbags.
How does she do it? I've tasted better shoe leather.
She does her best, dear.
I sometimes think she does it deliberately.
And what says the expert? Would you serve this muck? Tell me, this cafe of yours, Do customers actually pay you money? Hector, must you be so rude? Bad behavior is one of the few privileges of old age.
Anyone for another slice of Bambi? Well, who'd have thought it? You of all people.
Build something of my own? Yes, that must be amazing to someone like you.
Maybe not.
Glenbogle has been my career, dear boy.
If you want to see my life, As Christopher Wren said- "Look about you.
" At what? This crumbling ruin where the phone doesn't work And the lights don't come on? And the Lord said "Let there be light.
" Thank you, Robbie.
Molly: Sorry you missed your train, dear.
Very irritating.
Yes.
But I'll make sure I get it tomorrow night.
( Hector singing ) though the way be long let your heart be strong though your heart be weary we'll travel on till you come to your loving abode where all the love you've been dreaming of will be there at the end of the road.
That's it.
Man: Yeah, no problem.
Ah, I'll call you back.
Yes.
Archie.
Morning.
We've been reconnected, then? I thought we'd been cut off.
Oh, things aren't quite that bad.
The estate's in trouble? Look, um Why don't you have a wee peek at this on your laptop? It sets out all you need to know In black and white And steadily encroaching red.
Blimey.
Have you seen the figures? Fraser's always banging on about them.
No time for them myself.
Father, it's serious.
The bank are- My dear boy, the MacDonalds have been in hock To those shysters since the battle of Culloden.
You owe them a fortune.
They could sling you out whenever they wanted.
My father once gave me the most wonderful piece of advice.
- You've spoken to Fraser? - "Life," he said, "sometimes bowls one a bumper-" Father, for once, will you please listen to me? "but the important thing, Is always to play a straight bat.
" This is about the future- yours and mother's.
You must do something.
I'm very grateful for your concern, if not your advice, But as we've done without either for the last 10 years- Hector.
Stop this nonsense.
You must tell him.
Tell me what? Very well.
The estate no longer belongs to your father.
Molly.
It was made over to you some time ago, through a trust.
I own the house? The estate? Legal technicality.
Tax dodge.
The lawyers made me do it.
Molly: If we hadn't, You'd have been liable to crippling death duties Well, er, later on.
I'm Laird of Glenbogle? - You're the only son.
- Not how it should have been.
Come on, I think we're all in need of a sherry.
I'm not finished yet.
Not by a long chalk.
I'm still head of the family, And don't you forget it.
Fraser: The place has been hemorrhaging cash for years.
Well, you know what these Highland estates are like.
They need a sugar daddy.
Always have, always will.
You were saying the timber brings in nothing.
And your father won't let me market the sporting side properly, Or raise rents, or sack any of the estate workers.
I mean, Golly, for instance.
He's well past his sell-by date.
Golly is family.
Of course.
He's a marvelous chap.
Anyway It's all yours now.
Well I won't have it.
But I might be able to persuade my father To do the sensible thing.
Which is what? Give you your head? I could cut the losses, But it still wouldn't pay its way.
So? Well, your parents are Cash-poor but asset rich.
It's obvious.
Hanging on, it's Putting off the inevitable.
Sell Glenbogle.
There's a couple of chaps coming to stalk tomorrow who Might be interested.
Ah, how is the new proprietor? Got everything sorted out, have you? Lexie, you're looking very pert today.
- Down, Hector.
- Isn't pert the most splendid word? - Father- - Hector: Told me a good one the other day, Didn't you, girl? Man goes to see quack, Says "doctor, I've a cricket ball stuck up my what's-it.
" There's something we need to talk about.
Doctor says, "how's that?" man says, "don't you start.
" Ha, ha! "don't you start.
" ( Hector laughs, coughs ) I'm only gonna say this once.
I didn't come back here because I wanted to- My life is somewhere else.
And I didn't ask you to give me the estate, It's the last thing I wanted.
I told you that years ago.
I didn't do it for you.
For the family, 14 generations of it- Fairy cake, anyone? - The estate is bankrupt.
- Want to run away again, do you? There's only one thing to be done.
It must be sold.
Never! You have to be protected from yourself.
I shall sell it for you.
I sometimes wonder what I did To deserve you as a son.
That's easy- You impregnated his mother.
Father! I feel a bit shivery.
I'm going to bed.
Don't be ridiculous.
I don't feel at all well.
Molly: Come on, Geordie.
I am not going to back one of his horses.
The man's hopeless.
He couldn't train white mice To eat cheese.
I'm sorry, darling.
It was all in a good cause.
This place is no good for me.
I'm going home now.
Duncan! Duncan! The station, And no funny business this time.
( engine starts ) Get permission from the escape committee? I love that film.
Steve McQueen on his big German bike- Brrrmm, brrr.
Station.
You'll be after the sleeper.
It's Saturday, mind.
I know, Duncan.
I did a time management course once, The first things they taught me was the days of the week.
Sleeper doesn't run on a Saturday.
( squealing brakes ) I'll walk back.
I need air.
Hey! Golly: Shush, laddie- You'll disturb the wildlife.
- Come on.
- Golly? ( men talking ) ( sniffing ) I smell something.
Something sweet.
Did you bring your shotgun? Nice perfume, lass.
I'd like to shoot the pigs.
I saw lights coming from the hide.
There.
- Hey, who's that? - What's going on? Golly: Save your breath to cool your broth.
Or for your statements.
Police'll be here in about an hour.
Will they not frighten the ospreys? They would do if they had the right tree.
Thanks for nothing, clothead.
Archie: I saw the van parked at the house this morning.
Fraser was talking to the driver.
You can bet your bottom dollar It won't be the only way he's robbing your da.
Well, it'll never stand up in court.
Who said anything about a court? The Laird has a quiet word With the factor and then he's out.
My father He's got other worries.
He's not as fit as he used to be.
Not as young as he used to be.
- ( sighs ) - what is it? I just found out that- I own the estate.
Get away.
Well, um, I mean no disrespect to the old devil But, um, I'm delighted.
Yeah.
You'll soon get things squared round.
I can't stay, Golly.
In fact None of us'll be staying.
What's that supposed to mean? I think we have to sell Glenbogle.
Sell?! Sell? Sell your home? Your birthright! No, it was never that.
Not mine, anyway.
Golly: There have been MacDonalds here for 400 years.
Your name'll be blackened forever.
You can't do this.
Katrina: Do you want to know what will happen? I'll tell you.
A new owner'll come in, Jobs'll go, people's homes with them.
The place'll be finished.
It doesn't have to be like that, Katrina.
I'm sorry, Golly.
And you're proposing to just Just walk away from it? There's two potential buyers stalking tomorrow.
I hope you'll give them a good day's sport.
Oh, the rabbits have been at everything.
Damn their eyes.
Is father up yet? No, he said he's not getting out of bed Until you come to your senses.
This happens every time I come home.
I disappoint him and he makes me feel bad.
It's not easy.
What about the estate? Oh, poor you.
Here, this might help.
What? Mother, I thought all your family money went years ago.
It did.
It's mine.
My winnings on the gee-gees.
I did it all myself, With a little help from Geordie, of course.
Geordie? My turf accountant.
You know, it's the first money I've earned in my whole life.
Wonderful feeling, isn't it? Oh, yes, but- This is 55,000, the estate owes the bank 375,000.
Oh, what a pity.
- I thought- - Oh, mother! You're the best of all of us, you know that? What are you going to do, hmm? I'd be perfectly happy With a little flat in Cadogan Square, But your father- it's been his whole life, Every fiber of the old fool.
Who'd catch Big Eric if he wasn't here? You know that old jacket he wears? He only puts that on when he's feeling fragile.
Used to belong to Jamie.
I can't see him leaving here, Archie.
Well, only in a wooden box.
I'm sure you'll do what's best.
( sighs ) Fraser: Archie, hello.
Too busy to come on the stalk? Probably not your thing anyway, eh? ( gunshot ) ( gunshot ) ( gunshot ) I'm sorry.
I'm sure it's the rifle That's the problem, sir.
Duncan, Take a look at Mr.
Potts' piece.
( car approaching ) ( door slams ) Good morning, gentlemen.
Welcome to Glenbogle.
Archie MacDonald.
I hope you won't mind if I join you? I know you're in very good hands with old Robbie here, But, I think the Laird himself, Ought to escort such very important guests.
- You don't mind, do you, Robbie? - No.
Of course not, Archie.
Golly: Right then, gentlemen, Let's go stalking.
Archie: So you and Mr.
Andersson are chums, are you? Mr.
Potts: Met in a balloon, over the Serengeti.
You know, one of these luxury safaris.
He's a quiet chap, but he's canny with it.
Archie: You're in business together then? Sort of.
Made his cash in flat-pack furniture.
I made my pile in pies.
What? Anything on four legs, we'd kill it, Mince it, put puff pastry round it.
Well, we used to.
Co-op just bought us up.
Oh.
So we're launching this joint venture, you know.
He's into this shooting lark, so we thought we'd come up here And see if we could get something going.
How exciting.
Right, gentlemen.
We're about to come up to the beasts, So keep low And don't even fart unless I give you permission.
Okay? I do hope old Robbie's given you every assistance? Oh, Robbie couldn't have done more, he really couldn't.
Good.
Well, when we get back we'll have to, er, Talk figures.
See how your bid Matches up to the one we've already received.
Other bid? Robbie never mentioned that.
He said we'd got a clear run.
Quiet! Right, Mr.
Potts.
You first.
What the hell do you think you're doing? Working out your little game.
I've got it, too.
How much of a finder's fee were you promised, eh? You're sacked.
We'll see about that.
Your father will never allow it.
He trusts me- not you.
By heck, what's that? That, Mr.
Potts, is Big Eric.
Finest stag I've ever seen.
Been saving him these past 10 years For young Mr.
Archie there, but What the devil- You can have him.
You want me to kill him? Just wait till he turns.
And remember to line up, And keep your breathing steady.
That's it, my friend.
( cans rattling ) What's going on? You're not welcome here.
Get off our land! Glenbogle's for the people who live in it, Not absentee feudal landlords to play with pop-guns.
We demand to be heard.
We demand a voice! That's the last thing you need, pet.
Well, gentlemen, That would appear to be that, For today.
( brakes screech, tires squeal ) Hector.
Um I'm afraid I have to raise a rather Painful issue.
Oh, son and heir.
Father, I've just sacked Fraser here.
- I'm not talking to you.
- He's crooked.
He's been robbing you blind since the day he got here.
I'm sorry about all this, Hector.
Hector: You're sorry, Robbie? You can't make that kind of accusation.
I can if it's true.
Archie seems to have rather a Chip on his shoulder- About me.
I see.
Well, Archie, let me say, That Robbie here is a friend as well as an employee.
I trust him completely.
Once upon a time, you might have fulfilled that function, But you chose to turn your back on your responsibilities.
I had to look for help elsewhere.
Thank you, Hector.
He's behind the theft of those osprey eggs.
Oh, don't be silly.
He's always waxing lyrical about the wretched things.
Goodness knows why.
They catch more salmon than Golly and me put together.
He's also planning to sell the place behind your back.
What?! Sweet-talking two millionaires.
Encouraging a bid, Just one bid mind, no competition.
And at a knock-down price, I should think.
- No.
- And getting a sweetener, too.
How much is it? Two-fifty, half a million? ( chuckling ) He's got no proof, Hector.
He's barmy.
He hates you.
Who are you gonna believe, father? Pack your bags and get out.
Hector- He's my son.
I don't think my son would tell me lies.
This place is finished.
And you with it.
I'm sorry, I know you were fond of him.
Yes.
Still- one must look on the bright side.
And which bright side would that be? Well, it just puts a- Rather different gloss on things, doesn't it? How do you mean? If an honest man had been in charge, A good man, like you for instance, We'd never have got into this mess in the first place, would we? Father, you- You've- Oh, god! Never mind.
You'll be staying then, I take it? No! No! Not you again.
So, have you sacked him yet, then? I helped you with your rotten birds.
You and your family have a lot of ground to make up Before you get my gratitude, pal.
You know, you are a very irritating person.
- You know that? - You haven't changed.
You always used to sulk.
What are you talking about? Primary school, before they sent you away.
The little girl you used to sit beside - In the big double desk.
- Eh? Katrina? Gingernut! Never, ever call me that again, do you hear? I nearly didn't recognize you.
You used to have as broad an accent As the rest of us, if I remember right.
It's the main reason they packed me off to boarding school.
Can't have the son of a Laird sounding Scottish, can we? Don't get me started.
Can I tell you what I really think? I think the idea Of anybody owning all this is obscene.
How can you buy a view, eh? But if anybody's going to own it, It should be the community actually making a living here.
Oh, get real, Katrina.
But, in the meantime, Rather than some mega-rich idiot from south of the border, Better the devil you know.
In this case, the dashing young Laird.
- That right? - I don't want it.
I don't want to live in a freezing castle With my barmy father, where the lights go off All the time and the phone never works.
I do not want to be a Laird.
Do you really hate it that much? I was eight when I left.
I missed it so much, it was like having an arm cut off.
What I'd do when I was low, I'd phone that box, Stand in a dark corridor somewhere in Berkshire And imagine the phone ringing in all this silence.
All this around it, the water, the hills.
I can still remember the number: Glenbogle 2-4-9.
It couldn't go on, I had to put a stop to that, especially after Jamie died.
- I have to get away, Katrina.
- Poor little Archie.
Don't you think other folk have got problems, too? There's people here, on your land, Sweating their guts out for nothing.
On the breadline, some of them.
And here you are, master of all he surveys, Whingeing on about how terrible life is.
What gives you the right to expect Everything to be the way you want it? Why don't you just go away? Why don't you? Back to your swanky restaurant And your beautiful girlfriend and your- Perfect life.
There you are.
Hey! What are you doing? - What do you think you're doing? - None of your business, son.
You can't take this.
It's scheduled for removal, I've got the docket.
Who are you, anyway? Me? I'm the- I'm a member of the community here.
And that's our phone box, so you can take your lorry, Your crane and your bad attitude and get lost.
- Okay? - Man: Leave it, Jim.
That's the new Laird you're talking to.
Justine? Hello, sweetheart, it's me.
How did the do go? Great.
Yeah.
Listen, Justine- I've got a bit of a problem here.
( theme music playing )
Big Eric.
Lexie! Golly! Where are you? What's new, pussycat? Lexie, my jacket! Golly! Come on, come on.
Don't tell me, you've been invited on "The Clothes Show"? Golly! What's all the commotion? Morning, darling.
( dog barking ) - Stand aside, boy! - What? - Give me that.
- Sir, you should be careful.
Stand aside.
Hector! What is it? Big Eric, Golly, Big Eric! What's my foolish husband up to now? - I tried to tell him, honest.
- Tell him what? That the throttle keeps jamming.
Arghhh! ( whining ) ( theme music playing ) ( telephone ringing ) Man's voice: Hello, Flying Fish Restaurant.
Come on, Terry.
Get a move on it.
Curtain up in three hours.
Right- I've rung around.
11 confirmed, all bringing partners.
Archie, telephone.
Great, a swarm of critics all coming here.
That's all right - what is it? A shoal? A flock? Terry, what's the collective noun for food writers? Why are you so calm? I'm terrified already.
What could they do but destroy the enterprise We've slaved for years to get going? Shut up.
Justine, it will be wonderful.
You'll be serene and beautiful.
They'll love our little place, the food.
Hello.
Mother.
Your father, Nasty accident, dear, in the loch.
In the loch? No, of course, I'll come.
Yeah, I'll get the sleeper tonight.
Okay.
Bye.
My father's had some sort of accident.
I'm sorry, tonight of all nights.
You have to go.
I'll book you a cab to Houston.
I'll manage.
Archie, this is just a tiny restaurant.
Your family are 10 times more important.
You be himself? Yeah, I suppose I am.
How is he today? Your dad? Ach, he's in a terrible state.
What did you do that for, you stupid woman? Do stop fussing, Hector.
What will he do when he gets here, eh? Damn boy's always been as much use as a chocolate teapot.
Hector, you know very well- it's time.
I don't want him here.
And what do you want? Going fishing again, are we, Hector? I couldn't find my slippers, damn it.
Enjoy! Hags and harpies! I'm surrounded by hags and harp- Where are my Marmite soldiers? I had them court-martialed and shot.
I always have Marmite soldiers with my boiled egg.
Bairns will be bairns.
I am Hector Naismith MacDonald, 14th chief of an ancient line, Laird of Glenbogle, Ochintummel and Blawearie Or to you, girl, just plain sir.
Ach, away and play with your lineage.
Mm-mm.
Tasty.
Eh, Duncan? Duncan.
Duncan't.
Hello? Hello.
Oh, darling.
Mother.
- How is he? - How was your journey? - How bad is it? - We're so glad you're back.
- We need you, you see.
- What did the doctor say? So, the vultures are circling.
Father.
Excited by the prospect of my imminent demise? Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
You were supposed to be really ill.
I was temporarily immersed in water.
A trifle peaty, but I don't expect to start dissolving.
Just what is going on here? Tell me, how's that bar of yours doing? Hector, behave.
Pay no attention, dear.
It's not a bar.
It's a restaurant.
It opened last night.
Never thought a son of mine would turn out a publican.
I blame that awful Thatcher woman.
- I'm going back right now.
- Darling, I-I- - Who are you? - Robbie, my boy.
Robert Fraser.
Great to meet you.
I manage the estate.
Under your father's guiding hand of course.
And a jolly good job you make of it.
Come, we've work to do.
Mother!? Archie: We worked for months - for years to get the premises, Get the money, the staff.
Finally it all comes together, We plan this big opening night- and where am I? He was so very fragile.
I'm on a sleeper to Scotland, Hurrying to my dying father's bedside.
I thought you might be able to help.
That's all.
Help with what? Duncan, where are my bags? They're in the um I thought you should like your old room.
I have to get back.
I'm sorry.
Whatever you say.
You're a good boy.
Woman: Katrina, you'll never guess.
He's returned.
Who, maureen? The Jedi? Jesus Christ? Elvis Presley? The son and heir, Archie MacDonald.
After all these years.
I will not have my life defined by the tedious goings-on At what you're pleased to call "the big house.
" Very good-looking from what I hear.
( clicking ) ( phone beeping ) Justine? Ah, Duncan- Archie will be wanting to go back to the station.
- I'll be ready for him.
- Jolly good.
Geordie, it's Molly.
Hi, it's me.
Hello.
Yeah.
No, he's fine.
Fontwell Park, 4:30, horse called "Tickle My Fancy.
" What price? Put 50 on for me.
Good man.
Well, it's not quite as simple as that.
Hello? Oh, god.
Hello? Hello? Hello, Justine? Justine, hello.
Hello? Justine Justine! (echoing ) ( birds chirping ) ( twig snapping ) Mom's on the nest.
Dad's off fishing.
Trying anyway.
He's a useless specimen.
It's the same throughout nature- Female does the work making the home, Looking after the bairns, putting food on the table- Very funny.
Whereas the male now, he just stumbles along, Unsure of himself, what he's supposed to be doing Making a mess wherever he goes.
Just like that fellow there.
Where? - Get up! - Are you mad? Too right, I'm mad.
God, I hate you people.
- Katrina.
Katrina! - Come away out of there! Golly? Is that you? Laddie.
It's great to see you.
Thou were away too long, youngster.
Golly This is him, isn't it? I don't know? Are you him? I was, until the wild woman of the woods Started to rearrange my arms and legs.
- Now listen, you - Archie, meet Katrina, A loyal tenant of the Glenbogle estate.
- I thought you were after the ospreys.
- The what? Big thing with feathers, nests in that tree there.
Nearly extinct thanks to chinless wonders Who thought they looked better on the mantelpiece.
Okay, Mrs.
Attenborough, I've seen the documentary.
The nest further up the glen was robbed last week.
Katrina: That's why we built the hide.
Organized a rota to watch the nest.
What she means is the kids built the hide.
She organized the rota.
Well, if the landowner Won't take his responsibilities seriously, The community will.
It's our land really, anyway.
I'm sorry, run that one past me again, will you? Archie: You have a family, then? No, I don't.
It's just that Golly mentioned you had kids.
Oh, I'm the head teacher of the village school.
Oh, that old place.
It's very well equipped.
And the kids are as bright as buttons.
- I'm sure.
I didn't mean- - good thing, too, 'cause they're the future of this place, not- Anyway, are you staying long? No, I have to get back tonight.
Well, well, would you look at that.
We've all manner of modern contraptions up here, you know.
Telephones, spinning jennies, the wheel.
( muted hip-hop music playing ) Mother, father- I have to go- the sleeper.
Oh.
Very well, darling.
Lovely to see you.
Take care.
Hector: Off you toddle.
I did enjoy our little chat.
Turn that wretched hurdy-gurdy off.
( loud hip-hop music ) You won't catch much with that object, laddie, Except maybe a cold.
Archie's waiting.
( pan sizzles, bagpipes groan ) Does this smell all right to you? Sorry.
( engine cranks ) No go.
I'll have to strip the carburetor.
Really? Hector: Well, what are we having? Fatted calf? I hope not.
Sorry I'm late.
Great.
You're staying.
Love to show you around.
I've had another quote on the timber, Hector.
Looks quite promising.
- Good boy.
- See, Archie, Prices have fallen through the floor.
Cheap imports from Scandinavia.
It's hardly worth growing the things.
- But I had this idea- - don't waste your breath, He won't be interested.
A man could starve in his own dining room here.
Lexie! ( Golly clears throat ) I'd suck a "Fisherman's Friend" if I had a throat like that.
Trousers.
Aye, one must maintain standards, mustn't one? ( bagpipes hum ) ( bagpipes playing ) Ah.
( sniffs ) Hell's flames.
Not again.
Oh, heck.
Fuse again.
It's kind of exciting, eh? Down here in the dark, Crushed up like a pair of amorous sardines.
Pass us the screwdriver.
You always were one for your tools? Eh, big boy? Careful, Dunc, you're squeezing my funbags.
How does she do it? I've tasted better shoe leather.
She does her best, dear.
I sometimes think she does it deliberately.
And what says the expert? Would you serve this muck? Tell me, this cafe of yours, Do customers actually pay you money? Hector, must you be so rude? Bad behavior is one of the few privileges of old age.
Anyone for another slice of Bambi? Well, who'd have thought it? You of all people.
Build something of my own? Yes, that must be amazing to someone like you.
Maybe not.
Glenbogle has been my career, dear boy.
If you want to see my life, As Christopher Wren said- "Look about you.
" At what? This crumbling ruin where the phone doesn't work And the lights don't come on? And the Lord said "Let there be light.
" Thank you, Robbie.
Molly: Sorry you missed your train, dear.
Very irritating.
Yes.
But I'll make sure I get it tomorrow night.
( Hector singing ) though the way be long let your heart be strong though your heart be weary we'll travel on till you come to your loving abode where all the love you've been dreaming of will be there at the end of the road.
That's it.
Man: Yeah, no problem.
Ah, I'll call you back.
Yes.
Archie.
Morning.
We've been reconnected, then? I thought we'd been cut off.
Oh, things aren't quite that bad.
The estate's in trouble? Look, um Why don't you have a wee peek at this on your laptop? It sets out all you need to know In black and white And steadily encroaching red.
Blimey.
Have you seen the figures? Fraser's always banging on about them.
No time for them myself.
Father, it's serious.
The bank are- My dear boy, the MacDonalds have been in hock To those shysters since the battle of Culloden.
You owe them a fortune.
They could sling you out whenever they wanted.
My father once gave me the most wonderful piece of advice.
- You've spoken to Fraser? - "Life," he said, "sometimes bowls one a bumper-" Father, for once, will you please listen to me? "but the important thing, Is always to play a straight bat.
" This is about the future- yours and mother's.
You must do something.
I'm very grateful for your concern, if not your advice, But as we've done without either for the last 10 years- Hector.
Stop this nonsense.
You must tell him.
Tell me what? Very well.
The estate no longer belongs to your father.
Molly.
It was made over to you some time ago, through a trust.
I own the house? The estate? Legal technicality.
Tax dodge.
The lawyers made me do it.
Molly: If we hadn't, You'd have been liable to crippling death duties Well, er, later on.
I'm Laird of Glenbogle? - You're the only son.
- Not how it should have been.
Come on, I think we're all in need of a sherry.
I'm not finished yet.
Not by a long chalk.
I'm still head of the family, And don't you forget it.
Fraser: The place has been hemorrhaging cash for years.
Well, you know what these Highland estates are like.
They need a sugar daddy.
Always have, always will.
You were saying the timber brings in nothing.
And your father won't let me market the sporting side properly, Or raise rents, or sack any of the estate workers.
I mean, Golly, for instance.
He's well past his sell-by date.
Golly is family.
Of course.
He's a marvelous chap.
Anyway It's all yours now.
Well I won't have it.
But I might be able to persuade my father To do the sensible thing.
Which is what? Give you your head? I could cut the losses, But it still wouldn't pay its way.
So? Well, your parents are Cash-poor but asset rich.
It's obvious.
Hanging on, it's Putting off the inevitable.
Sell Glenbogle.
There's a couple of chaps coming to stalk tomorrow who Might be interested.
Ah, how is the new proprietor? Got everything sorted out, have you? Lexie, you're looking very pert today.
- Down, Hector.
- Isn't pert the most splendid word? - Father- - Hector: Told me a good one the other day, Didn't you, girl? Man goes to see quack, Says "doctor, I've a cricket ball stuck up my what's-it.
" There's something we need to talk about.
Doctor says, "how's that?" man says, "don't you start.
" Ha, ha! "don't you start.
" ( Hector laughs, coughs ) I'm only gonna say this once.
I didn't come back here because I wanted to- My life is somewhere else.
And I didn't ask you to give me the estate, It's the last thing I wanted.
I told you that years ago.
I didn't do it for you.
For the family, 14 generations of it- Fairy cake, anyone? - The estate is bankrupt.
- Want to run away again, do you? There's only one thing to be done.
It must be sold.
Never! You have to be protected from yourself.
I shall sell it for you.
I sometimes wonder what I did To deserve you as a son.
That's easy- You impregnated his mother.
Father! I feel a bit shivery.
I'm going to bed.
Don't be ridiculous.
I don't feel at all well.
Molly: Come on, Geordie.
I am not going to back one of his horses.
The man's hopeless.
He couldn't train white mice To eat cheese.
I'm sorry, darling.
It was all in a good cause.
This place is no good for me.
I'm going home now.
Duncan! Duncan! The station, And no funny business this time.
( engine starts ) Get permission from the escape committee? I love that film.
Steve McQueen on his big German bike- Brrrmm, brrr.
Station.
You'll be after the sleeper.
It's Saturday, mind.
I know, Duncan.
I did a time management course once, The first things they taught me was the days of the week.
Sleeper doesn't run on a Saturday.
( squealing brakes ) I'll walk back.
I need air.
Hey! Golly: Shush, laddie- You'll disturb the wildlife.
- Come on.
- Golly? ( men talking ) ( sniffing ) I smell something.
Something sweet.
Did you bring your shotgun? Nice perfume, lass.
I'd like to shoot the pigs.
I saw lights coming from the hide.
There.
- Hey, who's that? - What's going on? Golly: Save your breath to cool your broth.
Or for your statements.
Police'll be here in about an hour.
Will they not frighten the ospreys? They would do if they had the right tree.
Thanks for nothing, clothead.
Archie: I saw the van parked at the house this morning.
Fraser was talking to the driver.
You can bet your bottom dollar It won't be the only way he's robbing your da.
Well, it'll never stand up in court.
Who said anything about a court? The Laird has a quiet word With the factor and then he's out.
My father He's got other worries.
He's not as fit as he used to be.
Not as young as he used to be.
- ( sighs ) - what is it? I just found out that- I own the estate.
Get away.
Well, um, I mean no disrespect to the old devil But, um, I'm delighted.
Yeah.
You'll soon get things squared round.
I can't stay, Golly.
In fact None of us'll be staying.
What's that supposed to mean? I think we have to sell Glenbogle.
Sell?! Sell? Sell your home? Your birthright! No, it was never that.
Not mine, anyway.
Golly: There have been MacDonalds here for 400 years.
Your name'll be blackened forever.
You can't do this.
Katrina: Do you want to know what will happen? I'll tell you.
A new owner'll come in, Jobs'll go, people's homes with them.
The place'll be finished.
It doesn't have to be like that, Katrina.
I'm sorry, Golly.
And you're proposing to just Just walk away from it? There's two potential buyers stalking tomorrow.
I hope you'll give them a good day's sport.
Oh, the rabbits have been at everything.
Damn their eyes.
Is father up yet? No, he said he's not getting out of bed Until you come to your senses.
This happens every time I come home.
I disappoint him and he makes me feel bad.
It's not easy.
What about the estate? Oh, poor you.
Here, this might help.
What? Mother, I thought all your family money went years ago.
It did.
It's mine.
My winnings on the gee-gees.
I did it all myself, With a little help from Geordie, of course.
Geordie? My turf accountant.
You know, it's the first money I've earned in my whole life.
Wonderful feeling, isn't it? Oh, yes, but- This is 55,000, the estate owes the bank 375,000.
Oh, what a pity.
- I thought- - Oh, mother! You're the best of all of us, you know that? What are you going to do, hmm? I'd be perfectly happy With a little flat in Cadogan Square, But your father- it's been his whole life, Every fiber of the old fool.
Who'd catch Big Eric if he wasn't here? You know that old jacket he wears? He only puts that on when he's feeling fragile.
Used to belong to Jamie.
I can't see him leaving here, Archie.
Well, only in a wooden box.
I'm sure you'll do what's best.
( sighs ) Fraser: Archie, hello.
Too busy to come on the stalk? Probably not your thing anyway, eh? ( gunshot ) ( gunshot ) ( gunshot ) I'm sorry.
I'm sure it's the rifle That's the problem, sir.
Duncan, Take a look at Mr.
Potts' piece.
( car approaching ) ( door slams ) Good morning, gentlemen.
Welcome to Glenbogle.
Archie MacDonald.
I hope you won't mind if I join you? I know you're in very good hands with old Robbie here, But, I think the Laird himself, Ought to escort such very important guests.
- You don't mind, do you, Robbie? - No.
Of course not, Archie.
Golly: Right then, gentlemen, Let's go stalking.
Archie: So you and Mr.
Andersson are chums, are you? Mr.
Potts: Met in a balloon, over the Serengeti.
You know, one of these luxury safaris.
He's a quiet chap, but he's canny with it.
Archie: You're in business together then? Sort of.
Made his cash in flat-pack furniture.
I made my pile in pies.
What? Anything on four legs, we'd kill it, Mince it, put puff pastry round it.
Well, we used to.
Co-op just bought us up.
Oh.
So we're launching this joint venture, you know.
He's into this shooting lark, so we thought we'd come up here And see if we could get something going.
How exciting.
Right, gentlemen.
We're about to come up to the beasts, So keep low And don't even fart unless I give you permission.
Okay? I do hope old Robbie's given you every assistance? Oh, Robbie couldn't have done more, he really couldn't.
Good.
Well, when we get back we'll have to, er, Talk figures.
See how your bid Matches up to the one we've already received.
Other bid? Robbie never mentioned that.
He said we'd got a clear run.
Quiet! Right, Mr.
Potts.
You first.
What the hell do you think you're doing? Working out your little game.
I've got it, too.
How much of a finder's fee were you promised, eh? You're sacked.
We'll see about that.
Your father will never allow it.
He trusts me- not you.
By heck, what's that? That, Mr.
Potts, is Big Eric.
Finest stag I've ever seen.
Been saving him these past 10 years For young Mr.
Archie there, but What the devil- You can have him.
You want me to kill him? Just wait till he turns.
And remember to line up, And keep your breathing steady.
That's it, my friend.
( cans rattling ) What's going on? You're not welcome here.
Get off our land! Glenbogle's for the people who live in it, Not absentee feudal landlords to play with pop-guns.
We demand to be heard.
We demand a voice! That's the last thing you need, pet.
Well, gentlemen, That would appear to be that, For today.
( brakes screech, tires squeal ) Hector.
Um I'm afraid I have to raise a rather Painful issue.
Oh, son and heir.
Father, I've just sacked Fraser here.
- I'm not talking to you.
- He's crooked.
He's been robbing you blind since the day he got here.
I'm sorry about all this, Hector.
Hector: You're sorry, Robbie? You can't make that kind of accusation.
I can if it's true.
Archie seems to have rather a Chip on his shoulder- About me.
I see.
Well, Archie, let me say, That Robbie here is a friend as well as an employee.
I trust him completely.
Once upon a time, you might have fulfilled that function, But you chose to turn your back on your responsibilities.
I had to look for help elsewhere.
Thank you, Hector.
He's behind the theft of those osprey eggs.
Oh, don't be silly.
He's always waxing lyrical about the wretched things.
Goodness knows why.
They catch more salmon than Golly and me put together.
He's also planning to sell the place behind your back.
What?! Sweet-talking two millionaires.
Encouraging a bid, Just one bid mind, no competition.
And at a knock-down price, I should think.
- No.
- And getting a sweetener, too.
How much is it? Two-fifty, half a million? ( chuckling ) He's got no proof, Hector.
He's barmy.
He hates you.
Who are you gonna believe, father? Pack your bags and get out.
Hector- He's my son.
I don't think my son would tell me lies.
This place is finished.
And you with it.
I'm sorry, I know you were fond of him.
Yes.
Still- one must look on the bright side.
And which bright side would that be? Well, it just puts a- Rather different gloss on things, doesn't it? How do you mean? If an honest man had been in charge, A good man, like you for instance, We'd never have got into this mess in the first place, would we? Father, you- You've- Oh, god! Never mind.
You'll be staying then, I take it? No! No! Not you again.
So, have you sacked him yet, then? I helped you with your rotten birds.
You and your family have a lot of ground to make up Before you get my gratitude, pal.
You know, you are a very irritating person.
- You know that? - You haven't changed.
You always used to sulk.
What are you talking about? Primary school, before they sent you away.
The little girl you used to sit beside - In the big double desk.
- Eh? Katrina? Gingernut! Never, ever call me that again, do you hear? I nearly didn't recognize you.
You used to have as broad an accent As the rest of us, if I remember right.
It's the main reason they packed me off to boarding school.
Can't have the son of a Laird sounding Scottish, can we? Don't get me started.
Can I tell you what I really think? I think the idea Of anybody owning all this is obscene.
How can you buy a view, eh? But if anybody's going to own it, It should be the community actually making a living here.
Oh, get real, Katrina.
But, in the meantime, Rather than some mega-rich idiot from south of the border, Better the devil you know.
In this case, the dashing young Laird.
- That right? - I don't want it.
I don't want to live in a freezing castle With my barmy father, where the lights go off All the time and the phone never works.
I do not want to be a Laird.
Do you really hate it that much? I was eight when I left.
I missed it so much, it was like having an arm cut off.
What I'd do when I was low, I'd phone that box, Stand in a dark corridor somewhere in Berkshire And imagine the phone ringing in all this silence.
All this around it, the water, the hills.
I can still remember the number: Glenbogle 2-4-9.
It couldn't go on, I had to put a stop to that, especially after Jamie died.
- I have to get away, Katrina.
- Poor little Archie.
Don't you think other folk have got problems, too? There's people here, on your land, Sweating their guts out for nothing.
On the breadline, some of them.
And here you are, master of all he surveys, Whingeing on about how terrible life is.
What gives you the right to expect Everything to be the way you want it? Why don't you just go away? Why don't you? Back to your swanky restaurant And your beautiful girlfriend and your- Perfect life.
There you are.
Hey! What are you doing? - What do you think you're doing? - None of your business, son.
You can't take this.
It's scheduled for removal, I've got the docket.
Who are you, anyway? Me? I'm the- I'm a member of the community here.
And that's our phone box, so you can take your lorry, Your crane and your bad attitude and get lost.
- Okay? - Man: Leave it, Jim.
That's the new Laird you're talking to.
Justine? Hello, sweetheart, it's me.
How did the do go? Great.
Yeah.
Listen, Justine- I've got a bit of a problem here.
( theme music playing )