Monday Monday (2009) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Very impressive.
Good degree, excellent references.
Ah, wow, you can do shorthand.
That's a dying art these days, isn9t it? My fiance persuaded me to take an evening class.
Oh, you're engaged? How lovely.
Yeah.
We're getting married in Would it be terribly rude if we didn't get distracted by that right now? Of course.
OK, Sally.
I have to say you are the best candidate we've seen all day and I should offer you the job right now, but I do need to check one thing first.
Can you make a nice cup of tea? I'm joking.
(Laughs) Of course! Welcome on board.
(Laughs) Thank you.
SALLY: The three greatest lies I've ever been told are - 'Working for me is a PA's dream.
' That was my boss, Christine, the woman who once stapled her tights to a chair.
'This company is recession-proof.
' That was our chief executive, who then made 500 people redundant.
And finally, 'I promise there's no-one else.
' My fiance, just before he called off the wedding.
But on the plus side, I kept my job and they moved us to a new office in Leeds, 200 miles away from home and my ex.
It's a new start.
Things are gonna be different now.
Some things, anyway.
(Turns on radio) £ .
.
91 FM £ Ken Bruce £ BBC Radio 2 £ Morning, Christine.
MAN: So, all I really wanted to do this morning was to say a big thank you.
A move like this was never gonna be easy but you all deserve a massive pat on the back.
We may be in a new place but at least we're with old friends.
(Scattered applause) Right! We've got some bubbly, I think.
Ohuhsorry.
Sorry.
I've just got to quickly introduce a new face.
This is Alyson Cartmell.
Alyson's been sent to keep an eye on me.
She's ourumwhat is it? Chief operating officer.
Ah.
Well, I'm sure you'll all make her feel very welcome.
Well, that's enough jabbering from me.
Well, can I just say I'm really looking forward to working with you all because together we are going to turn things around.
We are going to get this company back where it belongs, with a supermarket on every High Street in the country.
The fightback starts here.
(Loud applause) Well (Applause continues) Well, of course, I was going on to say Oh, and whilst we're all setting in, if any of you have any problems then please do feel free to come and see me or, of course, HR.
Anything else? No.
Right.
Well, let's have that drink! So, ladies and gents, here's to a new start.
ALL: A new start.
(Softly) Who are they? Uhnew office assistants.
They started today.
They freak me out.
Guess what they're called.
Krankies? Karen and Karen.
How are we gonna tell them apart? (Laughs) Would you like a slice of Battenberg? I baked it this morning.
Actually, Jenny, I just had a Twix.
Don't forget what's happening tonight.
You're hosting an Anne Summers party? No.
It's PA Club.
Eight o'clock sharp.
Don't be late.
'PA Club.
' Oh.
ROGER: So, how are you settling in? Oh, very well.
It's been a very productive27 minutes.
Mm-hm.
I think it was a good idea of theirs to appoint someone like you and if there's anything you need I've got an office angel out there ready to help.
A word to the wise, though.
Don't eat anything she puts in front of you.
If Jane Asher was a serial killer, she'd use these.
Right.
Well, I'll bear that in mind.
Anyway, I'd better go.
I've got a lot to get through.
Alyson .
.
they're a good bunch of people here and they've moved halfway across the country to stay with us, so go easy on them, eh? Right.
But from what I hear, most of your quality people resigned, your HR department is totally dysfunctional and your head of marketing is on long-term sick leave.
It's not really the time to go easy.
Things aren't as bad as that.
Then why did they hire me? Thanks for the tea.
Any word from Viv? We should probably wait for Christine to get back before we carry on.
I don't want to be callous, but I need answers.
I'm OK to cover for her in the short term, but, you know, she hasn't even made any plans to move up here.
What kind of signal does that send? A bad one.
Yeah.
And if Viv doesn't come back God forbid.
.
.
then we're gonna have to restructure.
We'll need a new head of marketing.
You.
Well, we'll see.
And then we've gotta sort these guys out.
I mean, I don't need two PAs.
I understand two PAs isn't ideal, but .
.
Christine is absolutely on top of this.
I do realise that Viv's been a bit poorly.
I'm not saying she's over-reacting Max, she's got cancer! (Clears throat) Right.
What have I missed? Max would like to be brought up to speed on the Vivienne situation.
Right.
Yeah, of course.
It has been a long time, though, hasn't it? Exactly, so what's the plan? Sally, can you look into it? Sal, you couldn't lend us some money till pay day, could you? What happened to your moving bonus? I didn't get a moving bonus.
Alright, alright! I did, but I spent it.
Oh, go on! Lend us 50 quid.
In my purse.
Thanks.
I've already taken it.
'Come on, Tash! Move up north.
It'll be great! New pubs, new clubs, new men! I've got stuff to do.
There's pensions, inductions, all sorts of Ways to distract yourself from thinking about you-know-who? Sal OK, OK.
Just don't give me the speech about the other fish in the sea.
You go on.
I'll see you there.
Yeah, of course you will.
I will! God! You're so annoying! Having fun? Absolutely.
It's so important that we keep up our meetings, don't you think? Mm-hm.
How are you finding it up here? Any problems? My Blackberry doesn't work.
Why have you got a Blackberry? We all have now, dear.
Didn't you get the email? Have you been hacking into my computer again? It's not hacking.
You've written your password on your keyboard.
Just stay away from my desk and my lipstick.
Ow! (Mobile phone rings) (Microphone squeals) Oh! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
Silly cow.
Want this? Thanks.
God.
So embarrassing.
The same again? Please.
And for the lady? Oh, we're not She's not with me.
Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
.
.
ooh, look who's just come in.
Why, it's Mr Frank Spencer! Ooh, Betty, I've just crashed a car into Should have seen his warm-up act.
Been stood up? No.
At least I hope not.
There is only one pub on York Street, isn't there? Yeah.
But this isn't York Street, it's York Road.
Thanks for your help.
No worries.
Sure you won't have a drink? (Shrieks and laughs) (Shrieks) My shoes! (Laughs) Wait Oh, tell me what you want.
I want to be sick.
I want to be sick.
(Retches) (Dog barks) (Alarm beeps) (Groans) (Sighs) £ .
.
88 and 91 FM £ Ken Bruce £ BBC Radio 2.
£ Christine.
Christine? (Coughs and splutters) There's nothing I can do about it.
You're in HR.
Can't you just sack him? Since when are you so interested in your career? Because I cannot work with Vince.
He's creepy.
You'll cope.
If you really love me then you'd help.
If you really love me, you'd stop stealing my knickers.
(Laughs) Well, they're much more comfy than mine.
Well, then stop buying thongs.
Yeah, but they're more .
.
sexy.
CHRISTINE: Oh, this is bad.
Very bad! Why'd they have to come up here? I mean, what was wrong with the ground floor? It'll be some lame excuse like her office was too small, but really she has come to spy on me.
Did you know she was bringing her own PA? No.
I wonder what else she hasn't told us.
He is rather pretty, though.
Think he's single? Then again, you should probably set your sights a little lower.
(Gasps) Bloody hell! Ahem.
Hi.
Thought I'd come and say good morning to my new neighbours.
Oh.
Ground floor not to your liking? Marketing are a rowdy lot, aren't they? Actually, my office was too small, so Of course it was.
Anyway, I'm having a quick catch-up this morning with heads of department - about elevenish? II think we're jam-packed all morning, aren't we, Sally? Yeah, it's fine.
Great.
OK.
So I'll see you at 11, then.
Lovely! Has she gone yet? OK.
There's no nice way of saying this.
I just googled the type of cancer that Vivienne's got and basically Kajagoogoo have got more of a chance of coming back than she has.
Who? Exactly.
Vivienne's got Kajagoogoo cancer, so we need to make plans.
Reluctantly I'll be in charge pretty soon, but I will need a number two.
Now, money's tight - we can't afford anyone good, so I'm giving one of you two the chance to step up to the plate.
Just like in The Apprentice.
Guys, the time has come for you to show me what you're made of.
Surprise me, impress me and dazzle me.
By the end of the week, one of you will be new marketing assistant.
What about the other one? PA to both of us.
Milk and two sugars, please, Natasha.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Would you like weedkiller in that? Mmm.
Vince's joke was better.
Thank you .
.
Sir Alan.
(Laughs) Souhhello.
Hi.
Hi.
Alyson wasn't happy with her office, so we moved up here.
Don't you think we should talk about Where everything is up here? Yeah, that'd be great.
Catch you later.
ALYSON: If we can just stick to this budget for the next two quarters, we shouldn't need to do any more belt tightening.
Now, it's essential that I have an overview (Whispers) Can I borrow a pencil? Shh.
.
.
departmental structures and how costs are (Yelps) Sorry.
Soumwith this in mind, I shall be spending time in each of your departments assessing working practice and efficiency, and I will be starting with .
.
Human Resources.
Christine, this is ridiculous.
Your whole system is chaotic.
I mean, look at these post-it notes.
'Meet Claire at some point.
' 'Record Midsomer Murders.
' 'Pension Deficit' What does that say? (Mouths) Urgent.
Urgent.
Well, don't you use the diary on your PC? Sally doesn't know how to.
Is that true? Yes.
Steven, can you show her later on? Of course.
Now, what were you thinking of saying in the presentation? We thought we might No, I did actually ask Christine.
Well, you might want to concentrate on improving the image of HR.
I've never worked anywhere where people like you lot.
Really? On the respect scale, you tend to get placed somewhere between estate agents and paedophiles.
So, what have I got next? Free until two and then we've got the company induction with HR.
Great.
Thank you.
Sorry about last night I saidum I said I was sorry.
Don't ever walk out on me again.
Well, I'll make it up to you later.
We'll see.
And as if having my department violated isn't enough, now I've got to do some stupid presentation on our aims and objectives! I mean, did you authorise this?! No, not exactly, but She is evil, I am telling you.
You have to watch out for these people.
This is exactly how 9/11 happened! (Sobs) And don't tell me I'm over-reacting! (Sobs) Just tell me the truth, Roger! Has she been promoted above you? I mean, are you still in charge?! Of course I bloody am! Don't you snap at me! I'm not the one who said, 'Oh, we're never gonna move!' Now we're all 200 miles away from home! (Sobs) I'm sorry.
(Sobs) I'm telling you, as a friend, everything is going to be fine.
Well, I hope you're right, Roger.
Otherwise things could become very difficult.
Do you think she was referring to Uxbridge Holdings? Leave it with me.
So, how long have you worked for Christine? Umabout three years, give or take.
It must be quiteumchallenging.
Yeah, but in a good way.
How about you and Steven? Oh, about six months or so.
It's really hard to find a decent PA but thankfully he agreed to move with me.
Didn't have any ties? Friends, girlfriends, that kind of thing? I don't know.
It's none of my business.
I'd love to learn a bit more about how things work around here, so what's Christine up to this afternoon? Well, she's doing the welcome tours, but that's boring.
You don't want to come on that, do you? So, every floor has all the things you'd expect from a modern office.
Computers, desks, chairs, phones.
Nothing's left to chance.
We can run through that computer stuff later if you'd like.
Sorry.
Have we met? You really are pissed off at me.
Actually, I haven't given you much thought.
I just didn't want to embarrass you.
Why would I be embarrassed? Well, you did puke in my trainers.
Look, we've got to work together, alright? And? And I was just trying to get on some professional level with you.
That is such bollocks! You're the one that's embarrassed.
(Scoffs) If you must know, I think you're gorgeous.
Really? Yeah.
Really.
Lookcan't we just start over? Start over? Yeah.
I think you're great.
But we work together and Well, it's complicated, isn't it, so can we just agree the other night never happened? Yeah.
Of course.
Great.
It's definitely here somewhere.
There it is.
Yes, there it is! OK.
Um Can I have everyone's attention, please? This is the serious bit.
If there is a fire - Ahhh! - head straight for this door, OK? Sallyuh Can you get someone from Maintenance to look at that ASAP? OK! Canteen next, I think.
Is it me or is it hot in here? Maybe I should take over.
I think the airconditioning is broken.
Call Building Services as soon as we get back, yeah? Christine Look, they've had months to get this right.
I mean, we can't work in this It's all good.
It's all good.
OK, Karen.
Karens.
You're done.
I'll call you when your ID cards are ready.
(Laughs) Oh, are you alright? Oh, I'll be fine.
It's just a sprain.
You'll have to help me out a bit, do some work for me.
ListenI've had a think about what you said.
You know, about the (Whispers) .
.
about the help thing.
Oh, OK.
There's a meeting tonight.
It's a lot to ask, but .
.
would you come with me? We've got that presentation to do for Alyson.
I was going to stay late and work on it.
We can do it together afterwards.
I need to do this now, Sally, but I simply I can't do it on my own.
Is that bad of me to ask you? It's fine.
It is bad, isn't it? It's OK.
I'll go by myself, honestly.
Honestly.
Christine.
Oh, Jenny! I was just on my way out.
Ohdon't let me keep you.
I happened to be in the area and I thought thatum .
.
I'd pop by and say howdy.
How very nice.
Actually, I have plans.
No problem.
It's not important.
I've just had a long day and I thought that a large glass of merlot might be the best option.
MAN: FirstI lost my licence .
.
then my job .
.
then my wife.
Then the kids.
Oh, God.
(Jingling) Hello? NATASHA: She didn't turn up for her own AA meeting? It's not funny! I wasted two hours of my life with those bloody people.
If that wasn't bad enough, I went in to work afterwards and .
.
then came home.
And? And if you don't start using your bedroom I'm gonna rent it out.
You're never bloody there.
Someone's a bit jealous.
Hi.
Can I get a Oh, God.
What does Max drink? Something really poncy like a Triple mocha with skim milk and an extra shot.
I'll just have a white coffee.
Oh, God.
Morning.
So, what's good in here? Me.
Mmm.
Think I might just have a cup of tea.
See you later, OK? It was not a moment! It so was! It wasn't! He justhe looked at me, that's all.
Well, he didn't look at you, he held your gaze.
It's totally different.
Leave it, OK? Come on.
You do fancy him, though, don't you? Are you six years old? Hello again.
Steve Six years old.
So, you look nice today.
I'll have that pension report ready for Alyson this morning.
(Laughs) What? You are unbelievable! Thanks.
You waltz about like apeacock.
(Laughs) A peacock? Don't you think you owe it to Alyson to rein it in a little bit? I saw you together last night.
Oh.
Right.
What, is that all you're gonna say? Uhhow about are you gonna tell anyone? No.
Cheers.
You're a mate.
I'm not.
It's just none of my business.
If it's none of your business, then why are you being so arsy? What are you doing? Look, if I've led you on in any way, then I apologise.
Led me on? You fumbled with my bra and I threw up in your trainers.
I've had more romantic nights.
(Toilet flushes) (Music plays over headphones) (Toilet flushes) I think you'll find the gents is next door.
Here we are, all fresh and clean.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, by the way, I spoke to Christine.
She knows nothing about Uxbridge Holdings.
She's just an old drunk with a head full of messed-up memories, none of which involve you.
You're really not bothered? Well, if you want to shag some secretary, that's your business.
We didn't shag.
I don't care if you did.
We said we'd take things slowly, didn't we? And you really don't care? Well, as long as you didn't tell her about us.
(Laughs) Fine.
There's no problem, then.
What, that's it? Yeah.
Gentlemen, hi.
Please do come in.
Steven, can you make coffees? Ah.
Where have you been? I've got I've got emails coming out of my ears.
I've had two phone calls I've actually had to take myself.
And I need you to show me where you put the presentation thing.
I assume it's finished.
It would be finished if I hadn't sat in your AA meeting for two hours.
Did you not get my text? Christine, you don't know how to text.
Alright, alright, alright, alright! God.
Sorry.
25% off colonic irrigation? Yeah.
Just tippex over my name.
Be fine.
Nowcan we move on? There you go.
Thanks.
NATASHA: Vince will do anything for that promotion.
Do you think they're gay together? You think everyone's gay.
You're a bit testy.
I'm justI'm having a bad day.
You're having a testy day because you're so testy.
Will you stop saying 'testy'? So, anyway, you gonna come out for a drink tonight after work? It's one of the newbies' birthday.
Might do.
Is that a might do you're gonna come or a might do you're gonna stay at home and watch Emmerdale? Whose birthday is it, anyway? (Cheering) You need to improve your 'pretending to have fun' face.
I am having fun.
Sorry, my mistake.
Oh! Is this your party trick? I think I've been a bit of a dick.
Sorry.
And then one night I was working late at the office, stuffing envelopesandum And you end up stuffing Alyson? Pretty much.
(Both laugh) Yeah.
It's been going on for a few months now.
Sounds serious.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Well, it's not exclusive, which is how I like it.
You ever play poker? Yeah.
Now and then.
You need to improve your tell.
I haven't got a tell.
I can spot them a mile off.
My ex used to look at the ceiling, my dad used to whistle and youyou twitch your right eye every time you talk about Alyson.
Bollocks.
Do you love her? No.
(Laughs) Well, it doesn't work every time, obviously.
(Cheering) Mates? Yeah, yeah.
Mates.
Oh.
Hello.
I spilled coffee on my best suit.
I've been scrubbing it for an hour.
It won't come out.
And we've got that bloody presentation.
It's the coffee from the machine.
It's like paint stripper.
What's that for? I couldn't work the stupid PowerPoint thing so I went in the basement and dug out an OHP.
Christine, these are barely readable.
I know! I've been working on them all night.
It's the best I could do.
Oh, dear God.
It's gonna be a disaster, isn't it? Everyone's gonna laugh at me.
It's gonna be like that reoccurring nightmare where you turn up at work half-naked.
Look, the presentation isn't until this afternoon.
I will print off the speech so you have a hard copy.
I will get PowerPoint all ready for you.
All you have to do is press the mouse.
Oh! You are an angel sent from heaven.
You know that, don't you? Now, I thinkI'll just nip home and get changed, yeah? In mass marketing terms, the C2DEs are where the numbers are, but I think we should aim higher.
I think we should chase a much more aspirational type of customer without alienating our core customer base, and so if we could finance a major push and go from a nearly great supermarket to a really great supermarket.
Domo arigato.
You don't need the OHP.
Thanks very much, Max.
De nada.
Soumnext I think we're gonna hear from Human Resources.
Christine? Christine.
Oh, right.
Uhwhere's where's the powerpoint? There's no powerpoint.
I've set it all up on the laptop.
What? I specifically asked you to find a plug point.
What I think maybe you should sit down and I'll do the presentation.
Why haven't you sorted this out? Why must I do everything myself? What is the matter with you? Are you completely incompetent? Or is it just crass stupidity? No wonder your boyfriend ran off with your bloody sister.
(Laughs) They've sacked me.
Right.
Ahem.
I see.
Was it bad of me to say those things? Was it bad of you? Let's see.
Was it bad of you to make me do a urine sample, so you could cheat on your medical? Was it bad of you to invite me to a dinner party, then ask me to be the waitress? Was it bad of you to shout, 'The vet rang.
Your horse is dead,' across an open-plan office? Was it bad of you to make me work on the day that Michael called off the wedding? Do you know what, Christine? Yes, it was fucking bad of you, all of it! I gave you a job.
(Scoffs) Funny, but piecing together the emotional wreckage of my boss's life must have been missing from the job description.
That's not fair.
People laugh at our department, you know.
Everybody thinks we're a joke.
No, everybody thinks you're a joke.
No, they don't! Do they? I can't We'll leave it for a couple of weeks, let the dust settle, and then we have to get rid of Christine as well.
What are you talking about? Well, the department is a shambles.
She has to go.
It's not that simple.
Jenny, could you give us a moment, please? Is this some kind of dick-swinging exercise to show me who's boss? No.
I'm just saying it's a delicate situation.
She's an old friend.
Fine! Then I'll tell her.
No.
She's staying.
Alright.
Cards on the table time.
I know that you tried to stop them appointing me, but the fact is they did, so ask yourself this - why did they ignore you? What does that say about what they think of you? And what would happen if you and I went head-to-head? Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh, listen, it's really sweet of you, but I'm fine, honestly.
You don't have to Can we have your copy of Grazia? Help yourself.
You off? Permanently.
They've sacked you? I punched my boss.
She bloody deserved it.
Great right hook, by the way.
See you round, then? Yeah.
When exactly? You understand that I've been forced to do this.
It's not my decision.
Andyou'd receive a generous .
.
a more than generous pay-off.
Good.
Well, that's settled, then.
Roger .
.
I know.
I know about your little secret.
Uxbridge Holdings, is it? I thought you said She's not exactly the Gestapo, Roger.
Then again What exactly do you know? Let's have a little chat about my redundancy first, shall we? (Whinnies) Morning! I told Roger, you know, if you go, I go.
He's going to give you a pay rise.
Your own office if you like.
This isn't about having my own office, Christine.
Look, I know I'm a pain in the arse, but, please, don't go.
I look on you as a friend.
One of my only friends.
You need professional help, Christine.
And I'll get it.
I know I've said it before, but I really will this time.
Things are gonna be different, you'll see.
I'm going to get through this.
We'll be a proper team.
Yeah! I can do it.
It's just not without you.
Besides, you have to stay now.
I just bought you a horse.
It's a Shetland pony.
If I sat on it, I'd kill it.
Best I could do at short notice.
Look, Christine, I just Please, just stay! Or at least think about it.
I mean, there must be something good about working with me.
(Whinnies) What have we got this morning? Marketing meeting at ten.
ISD coming down at 12.
Clear the diary.
I need to sort out this mess in HR.
Right.
The mess.
First thing's first.
I want you to draft up some job specs.
Are you going to this dreadful welcome party tonight? Not sure.
Maybe.
I thought we could leave early and go and have something NATASHA: I've been thinking.
Yeah? Aboutum Oh, what the hell.
What do I have to do to get a promotion? Um Meeting Room 3, five minutes? Yeah.
Why is she still here? I had a think about what you said earlier.
If you're such a high flyer, how come they didn't just sack me and put you straight in charge? Because it'd cost a fortune to pay you off.
Or maybe it's because they're not entirely sure you're up to it.
Maybe they want to see what you've got first.
Try before they buy, so to speak.
What's your point, Roger? Well, one day you may be such a big shot that matters are taken out of my hands, but I don't think we're there yet.
I was hired Stay out of my way or I swear to God I'll make your life a misery.
I sweated blood to get this job and I'll do anything to keep it - anything.
Christine stays and so does her PA.
Now, the troops are watching, so let's just play nice, shall we? Hello.
Have you heard the good news? You haven't found God, have you? No, no.
No, I spoke to Vivienne.
The treatment's going really, really well.
She'll back in a few weeks.
Christine, I love you! OK.
Back in a sec.
Vince! Vince! Listen, Max wants to see you, Meeting Room 3.
It's about the promotion.
Go.
Could I have a tonic water, please? Ice? Yes, please.
Lemon? Yeah.
Gin? You are missing one hell of a party.
I'll be down in a minute.
OK.
But I must warn you the cheesy dips are running dangerously low.
(Laughs) Dear God.
So, you coming or not? I'm not gonna wait forever.
(Knocks) Come in.
Oh, my God! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! I could stay if you want.
Considering we're a supermarket, there's not actually that much booze on offer.
God, you're a whinger! I'm just trying to be helpful.
You work in HR.
I'm offering you valuable staff feedback.
Feedback is duly noted.
Thank you.
I don't think you're taking me very seriously.
(Laughs) Well, we do prefer for staff feedback to be submitted in writing.
So, if I wanted to ask you to dance, I'd have to email you? (Laughs) I could probably make an exception.
Excuse me.
(Laughs) Do you think we should go and rescue him? No.
(Laughs) Leave it to him.
(Laughs) (Both laugh) Steven is such a terrible flirt.
I mean, it's all harmless fun.
It doesn't mean a thing.
Oh! Do you want anything? Coffee? Tea? Me? This is my vision for Butterworth's.
It's not your job to undermine me in front of the workforce.
I've decided to put the 'hu' back into human resources.
I'd like to make a complaint.
It's about Steven McColl.
What's the nature of the complaint? Sexual assault.
I stumbled and I put my hands out to steady myself.
Do you really think that I'm capable of sexual assault? Closed Captions by CSI
Good degree, excellent references.
Ah, wow, you can do shorthand.
That's a dying art these days, isn9t it? My fiance persuaded me to take an evening class.
Oh, you're engaged? How lovely.
Yeah.
We're getting married in Would it be terribly rude if we didn't get distracted by that right now? Of course.
OK, Sally.
I have to say you are the best candidate we've seen all day and I should offer you the job right now, but I do need to check one thing first.
Can you make a nice cup of tea? I'm joking.
(Laughs) Of course! Welcome on board.
(Laughs) Thank you.
SALLY: The three greatest lies I've ever been told are - 'Working for me is a PA's dream.
' That was my boss, Christine, the woman who once stapled her tights to a chair.
'This company is recession-proof.
' That was our chief executive, who then made 500 people redundant.
And finally, 'I promise there's no-one else.
' My fiance, just before he called off the wedding.
But on the plus side, I kept my job and they moved us to a new office in Leeds, 200 miles away from home and my ex.
It's a new start.
Things are gonna be different now.
Some things, anyway.
(Turns on radio) £ .
.
91 FM £ Ken Bruce £ BBC Radio 2 £ Morning, Christine.
MAN: So, all I really wanted to do this morning was to say a big thank you.
A move like this was never gonna be easy but you all deserve a massive pat on the back.
We may be in a new place but at least we're with old friends.
(Scattered applause) Right! We've got some bubbly, I think.
Ohuhsorry.
Sorry.
I've just got to quickly introduce a new face.
This is Alyson Cartmell.
Alyson's been sent to keep an eye on me.
She's ourumwhat is it? Chief operating officer.
Ah.
Well, I'm sure you'll all make her feel very welcome.
Well, that's enough jabbering from me.
Well, can I just say I'm really looking forward to working with you all because together we are going to turn things around.
We are going to get this company back where it belongs, with a supermarket on every High Street in the country.
The fightback starts here.
(Loud applause) Well (Applause continues) Well, of course, I was going on to say Oh, and whilst we're all setting in, if any of you have any problems then please do feel free to come and see me or, of course, HR.
Anything else? No.
Right.
Well, let's have that drink! So, ladies and gents, here's to a new start.
ALL: A new start.
(Softly) Who are they? Uhnew office assistants.
They started today.
They freak me out.
Guess what they're called.
Krankies? Karen and Karen.
How are we gonna tell them apart? (Laughs) Would you like a slice of Battenberg? I baked it this morning.
Actually, Jenny, I just had a Twix.
Don't forget what's happening tonight.
You're hosting an Anne Summers party? No.
It's PA Club.
Eight o'clock sharp.
Don't be late.
'PA Club.
' Oh.
ROGER: So, how are you settling in? Oh, very well.
It's been a very productive27 minutes.
Mm-hm.
I think it was a good idea of theirs to appoint someone like you and if there's anything you need I've got an office angel out there ready to help.
A word to the wise, though.
Don't eat anything she puts in front of you.
If Jane Asher was a serial killer, she'd use these.
Right.
Well, I'll bear that in mind.
Anyway, I'd better go.
I've got a lot to get through.
Alyson .
.
they're a good bunch of people here and they've moved halfway across the country to stay with us, so go easy on them, eh? Right.
But from what I hear, most of your quality people resigned, your HR department is totally dysfunctional and your head of marketing is on long-term sick leave.
It's not really the time to go easy.
Things aren't as bad as that.
Then why did they hire me? Thanks for the tea.
Any word from Viv? We should probably wait for Christine to get back before we carry on.
I don't want to be callous, but I need answers.
I'm OK to cover for her in the short term, but, you know, she hasn't even made any plans to move up here.
What kind of signal does that send? A bad one.
Yeah.
And if Viv doesn't come back God forbid.
.
.
then we're gonna have to restructure.
We'll need a new head of marketing.
You.
Well, we'll see.
And then we've gotta sort these guys out.
I mean, I don't need two PAs.
I understand two PAs isn't ideal, but .
.
Christine is absolutely on top of this.
I do realise that Viv's been a bit poorly.
I'm not saying she's over-reacting Max, she's got cancer! (Clears throat) Right.
What have I missed? Max would like to be brought up to speed on the Vivienne situation.
Right.
Yeah, of course.
It has been a long time, though, hasn't it? Exactly, so what's the plan? Sally, can you look into it? Sal, you couldn't lend us some money till pay day, could you? What happened to your moving bonus? I didn't get a moving bonus.
Alright, alright! I did, but I spent it.
Oh, go on! Lend us 50 quid.
In my purse.
Thanks.
I've already taken it.
'Come on, Tash! Move up north.
It'll be great! New pubs, new clubs, new men! I've got stuff to do.
There's pensions, inductions, all sorts of Ways to distract yourself from thinking about you-know-who? Sal OK, OK.
Just don't give me the speech about the other fish in the sea.
You go on.
I'll see you there.
Yeah, of course you will.
I will! God! You're so annoying! Having fun? Absolutely.
It's so important that we keep up our meetings, don't you think? Mm-hm.
How are you finding it up here? Any problems? My Blackberry doesn't work.
Why have you got a Blackberry? We all have now, dear.
Didn't you get the email? Have you been hacking into my computer again? It's not hacking.
You've written your password on your keyboard.
Just stay away from my desk and my lipstick.
Ow! (Mobile phone rings) (Microphone squeals) Oh! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
Silly cow.
Want this? Thanks.
God.
So embarrassing.
The same again? Please.
And for the lady? Oh, we're not She's not with me.
Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
.
.
ooh, look who's just come in.
Why, it's Mr Frank Spencer! Ooh, Betty, I've just crashed a car into Should have seen his warm-up act.
Been stood up? No.
At least I hope not.
There is only one pub on York Street, isn't there? Yeah.
But this isn't York Street, it's York Road.
Thanks for your help.
No worries.
Sure you won't have a drink? (Shrieks and laughs) (Shrieks) My shoes! (Laughs) Wait Oh, tell me what you want.
I want to be sick.
I want to be sick.
(Retches) (Dog barks) (Alarm beeps) (Groans) (Sighs) £ .
.
88 and 91 FM £ Ken Bruce £ BBC Radio 2.
£ Christine.
Christine? (Coughs and splutters) There's nothing I can do about it.
You're in HR.
Can't you just sack him? Since when are you so interested in your career? Because I cannot work with Vince.
He's creepy.
You'll cope.
If you really love me then you'd help.
If you really love me, you'd stop stealing my knickers.
(Laughs) Well, they're much more comfy than mine.
Well, then stop buying thongs.
Yeah, but they're more .
.
sexy.
CHRISTINE: Oh, this is bad.
Very bad! Why'd they have to come up here? I mean, what was wrong with the ground floor? It'll be some lame excuse like her office was too small, but really she has come to spy on me.
Did you know she was bringing her own PA? No.
I wonder what else she hasn't told us.
He is rather pretty, though.
Think he's single? Then again, you should probably set your sights a little lower.
(Gasps) Bloody hell! Ahem.
Hi.
Thought I'd come and say good morning to my new neighbours.
Oh.
Ground floor not to your liking? Marketing are a rowdy lot, aren't they? Actually, my office was too small, so Of course it was.
Anyway, I'm having a quick catch-up this morning with heads of department - about elevenish? II think we're jam-packed all morning, aren't we, Sally? Yeah, it's fine.
Great.
OK.
So I'll see you at 11, then.
Lovely! Has she gone yet? OK.
There's no nice way of saying this.
I just googled the type of cancer that Vivienne's got and basically Kajagoogoo have got more of a chance of coming back than she has.
Who? Exactly.
Vivienne's got Kajagoogoo cancer, so we need to make plans.
Reluctantly I'll be in charge pretty soon, but I will need a number two.
Now, money's tight - we can't afford anyone good, so I'm giving one of you two the chance to step up to the plate.
Just like in The Apprentice.
Guys, the time has come for you to show me what you're made of.
Surprise me, impress me and dazzle me.
By the end of the week, one of you will be new marketing assistant.
What about the other one? PA to both of us.
Milk and two sugars, please, Natasha.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Would you like weedkiller in that? Mmm.
Vince's joke was better.
Thank you .
.
Sir Alan.
(Laughs) Souhhello.
Hi.
Hi.
Alyson wasn't happy with her office, so we moved up here.
Don't you think we should talk about Where everything is up here? Yeah, that'd be great.
Catch you later.
ALYSON: If we can just stick to this budget for the next two quarters, we shouldn't need to do any more belt tightening.
Now, it's essential that I have an overview (Whispers) Can I borrow a pencil? Shh.
.
.
departmental structures and how costs are (Yelps) Sorry.
Soumwith this in mind, I shall be spending time in each of your departments assessing working practice and efficiency, and I will be starting with .
.
Human Resources.
Christine, this is ridiculous.
Your whole system is chaotic.
I mean, look at these post-it notes.
'Meet Claire at some point.
' 'Record Midsomer Murders.
' 'Pension Deficit' What does that say? (Mouths) Urgent.
Urgent.
Well, don't you use the diary on your PC? Sally doesn't know how to.
Is that true? Yes.
Steven, can you show her later on? Of course.
Now, what were you thinking of saying in the presentation? We thought we might No, I did actually ask Christine.
Well, you might want to concentrate on improving the image of HR.
I've never worked anywhere where people like you lot.
Really? On the respect scale, you tend to get placed somewhere between estate agents and paedophiles.
So, what have I got next? Free until two and then we've got the company induction with HR.
Great.
Thank you.
Sorry about last night I saidum I said I was sorry.
Don't ever walk out on me again.
Well, I'll make it up to you later.
We'll see.
And as if having my department violated isn't enough, now I've got to do some stupid presentation on our aims and objectives! I mean, did you authorise this?! No, not exactly, but She is evil, I am telling you.
You have to watch out for these people.
This is exactly how 9/11 happened! (Sobs) And don't tell me I'm over-reacting! (Sobs) Just tell me the truth, Roger! Has she been promoted above you? I mean, are you still in charge?! Of course I bloody am! Don't you snap at me! I'm not the one who said, 'Oh, we're never gonna move!' Now we're all 200 miles away from home! (Sobs) I'm sorry.
(Sobs) I'm telling you, as a friend, everything is going to be fine.
Well, I hope you're right, Roger.
Otherwise things could become very difficult.
Do you think she was referring to Uxbridge Holdings? Leave it with me.
So, how long have you worked for Christine? Umabout three years, give or take.
It must be quiteumchallenging.
Yeah, but in a good way.
How about you and Steven? Oh, about six months or so.
It's really hard to find a decent PA but thankfully he agreed to move with me.
Didn't have any ties? Friends, girlfriends, that kind of thing? I don't know.
It's none of my business.
I'd love to learn a bit more about how things work around here, so what's Christine up to this afternoon? Well, she's doing the welcome tours, but that's boring.
You don't want to come on that, do you? So, every floor has all the things you'd expect from a modern office.
Computers, desks, chairs, phones.
Nothing's left to chance.
We can run through that computer stuff later if you'd like.
Sorry.
Have we met? You really are pissed off at me.
Actually, I haven't given you much thought.
I just didn't want to embarrass you.
Why would I be embarrassed? Well, you did puke in my trainers.
Look, we've got to work together, alright? And? And I was just trying to get on some professional level with you.
That is such bollocks! You're the one that's embarrassed.
(Scoffs) If you must know, I think you're gorgeous.
Really? Yeah.
Really.
Lookcan't we just start over? Start over? Yeah.
I think you're great.
But we work together and Well, it's complicated, isn't it, so can we just agree the other night never happened? Yeah.
Of course.
Great.
It's definitely here somewhere.
There it is.
Yes, there it is! OK.
Um Can I have everyone's attention, please? This is the serious bit.
If there is a fire - Ahhh! - head straight for this door, OK? Sallyuh Can you get someone from Maintenance to look at that ASAP? OK! Canteen next, I think.
Is it me or is it hot in here? Maybe I should take over.
I think the airconditioning is broken.
Call Building Services as soon as we get back, yeah? Christine Look, they've had months to get this right.
I mean, we can't work in this It's all good.
It's all good.
OK, Karen.
Karens.
You're done.
I'll call you when your ID cards are ready.
(Laughs) Oh, are you alright? Oh, I'll be fine.
It's just a sprain.
You'll have to help me out a bit, do some work for me.
ListenI've had a think about what you said.
You know, about the (Whispers) .
.
about the help thing.
Oh, OK.
There's a meeting tonight.
It's a lot to ask, but .
.
would you come with me? We've got that presentation to do for Alyson.
I was going to stay late and work on it.
We can do it together afterwards.
I need to do this now, Sally, but I simply I can't do it on my own.
Is that bad of me to ask you? It's fine.
It is bad, isn't it? It's OK.
I'll go by myself, honestly.
Honestly.
Christine.
Oh, Jenny! I was just on my way out.
Ohdon't let me keep you.
I happened to be in the area and I thought thatum .
.
I'd pop by and say howdy.
How very nice.
Actually, I have plans.
No problem.
It's not important.
I've just had a long day and I thought that a large glass of merlot might be the best option.
MAN: FirstI lost my licence .
.
then my job .
.
then my wife.
Then the kids.
Oh, God.
(Jingling) Hello? NATASHA: She didn't turn up for her own AA meeting? It's not funny! I wasted two hours of my life with those bloody people.
If that wasn't bad enough, I went in to work afterwards and .
.
then came home.
And? And if you don't start using your bedroom I'm gonna rent it out.
You're never bloody there.
Someone's a bit jealous.
Hi.
Can I get a Oh, God.
What does Max drink? Something really poncy like a Triple mocha with skim milk and an extra shot.
I'll just have a white coffee.
Oh, God.
Morning.
So, what's good in here? Me.
Mmm.
Think I might just have a cup of tea.
See you later, OK? It was not a moment! It so was! It wasn't! He justhe looked at me, that's all.
Well, he didn't look at you, he held your gaze.
It's totally different.
Leave it, OK? Come on.
You do fancy him, though, don't you? Are you six years old? Hello again.
Steve Six years old.
So, you look nice today.
I'll have that pension report ready for Alyson this morning.
(Laughs) What? You are unbelievable! Thanks.
You waltz about like apeacock.
(Laughs) A peacock? Don't you think you owe it to Alyson to rein it in a little bit? I saw you together last night.
Oh.
Right.
What, is that all you're gonna say? Uhhow about are you gonna tell anyone? No.
Cheers.
You're a mate.
I'm not.
It's just none of my business.
If it's none of your business, then why are you being so arsy? What are you doing? Look, if I've led you on in any way, then I apologise.
Led me on? You fumbled with my bra and I threw up in your trainers.
I've had more romantic nights.
(Toilet flushes) (Music plays over headphones) (Toilet flushes) I think you'll find the gents is next door.
Here we are, all fresh and clean.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, by the way, I spoke to Christine.
She knows nothing about Uxbridge Holdings.
She's just an old drunk with a head full of messed-up memories, none of which involve you.
You're really not bothered? Well, if you want to shag some secretary, that's your business.
We didn't shag.
I don't care if you did.
We said we'd take things slowly, didn't we? And you really don't care? Well, as long as you didn't tell her about us.
(Laughs) Fine.
There's no problem, then.
What, that's it? Yeah.
Gentlemen, hi.
Please do come in.
Steven, can you make coffees? Ah.
Where have you been? I've got I've got emails coming out of my ears.
I've had two phone calls I've actually had to take myself.
And I need you to show me where you put the presentation thing.
I assume it's finished.
It would be finished if I hadn't sat in your AA meeting for two hours.
Did you not get my text? Christine, you don't know how to text.
Alright, alright, alright, alright! God.
Sorry.
25% off colonic irrigation? Yeah.
Just tippex over my name.
Be fine.
Nowcan we move on? There you go.
Thanks.
NATASHA: Vince will do anything for that promotion.
Do you think they're gay together? You think everyone's gay.
You're a bit testy.
I'm justI'm having a bad day.
You're having a testy day because you're so testy.
Will you stop saying 'testy'? So, anyway, you gonna come out for a drink tonight after work? It's one of the newbies' birthday.
Might do.
Is that a might do you're gonna come or a might do you're gonna stay at home and watch Emmerdale? Whose birthday is it, anyway? (Cheering) You need to improve your 'pretending to have fun' face.
I am having fun.
Sorry, my mistake.
Oh! Is this your party trick? I think I've been a bit of a dick.
Sorry.
And then one night I was working late at the office, stuffing envelopesandum And you end up stuffing Alyson? Pretty much.
(Both laugh) Yeah.
It's been going on for a few months now.
Sounds serious.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Well, it's not exclusive, which is how I like it.
You ever play poker? Yeah.
Now and then.
You need to improve your tell.
I haven't got a tell.
I can spot them a mile off.
My ex used to look at the ceiling, my dad used to whistle and youyou twitch your right eye every time you talk about Alyson.
Bollocks.
Do you love her? No.
(Laughs) Well, it doesn't work every time, obviously.
(Cheering) Mates? Yeah, yeah.
Mates.
Oh.
Hello.
I spilled coffee on my best suit.
I've been scrubbing it for an hour.
It won't come out.
And we've got that bloody presentation.
It's the coffee from the machine.
It's like paint stripper.
What's that for? I couldn't work the stupid PowerPoint thing so I went in the basement and dug out an OHP.
Christine, these are barely readable.
I know! I've been working on them all night.
It's the best I could do.
Oh, dear God.
It's gonna be a disaster, isn't it? Everyone's gonna laugh at me.
It's gonna be like that reoccurring nightmare where you turn up at work half-naked.
Look, the presentation isn't until this afternoon.
I will print off the speech so you have a hard copy.
I will get PowerPoint all ready for you.
All you have to do is press the mouse.
Oh! You are an angel sent from heaven.
You know that, don't you? Now, I thinkI'll just nip home and get changed, yeah? In mass marketing terms, the C2DEs are where the numbers are, but I think we should aim higher.
I think we should chase a much more aspirational type of customer without alienating our core customer base, and so if we could finance a major push and go from a nearly great supermarket to a really great supermarket.
Domo arigato.
You don't need the OHP.
Thanks very much, Max.
De nada.
Soumnext I think we're gonna hear from Human Resources.
Christine? Christine.
Oh, right.
Uhwhere's where's the powerpoint? There's no powerpoint.
I've set it all up on the laptop.
What? I specifically asked you to find a plug point.
What I think maybe you should sit down and I'll do the presentation.
Why haven't you sorted this out? Why must I do everything myself? What is the matter with you? Are you completely incompetent? Or is it just crass stupidity? No wonder your boyfriend ran off with your bloody sister.
(Laughs) They've sacked me.
Right.
Ahem.
I see.
Was it bad of me to say those things? Was it bad of you? Let's see.
Was it bad of you to make me do a urine sample, so you could cheat on your medical? Was it bad of you to invite me to a dinner party, then ask me to be the waitress? Was it bad of you to shout, 'The vet rang.
Your horse is dead,' across an open-plan office? Was it bad of you to make me work on the day that Michael called off the wedding? Do you know what, Christine? Yes, it was fucking bad of you, all of it! I gave you a job.
(Scoffs) Funny, but piecing together the emotional wreckage of my boss's life must have been missing from the job description.
That's not fair.
People laugh at our department, you know.
Everybody thinks we're a joke.
No, everybody thinks you're a joke.
No, they don't! Do they? I can't We'll leave it for a couple of weeks, let the dust settle, and then we have to get rid of Christine as well.
What are you talking about? Well, the department is a shambles.
She has to go.
It's not that simple.
Jenny, could you give us a moment, please? Is this some kind of dick-swinging exercise to show me who's boss? No.
I'm just saying it's a delicate situation.
She's an old friend.
Fine! Then I'll tell her.
No.
She's staying.
Alright.
Cards on the table time.
I know that you tried to stop them appointing me, but the fact is they did, so ask yourself this - why did they ignore you? What does that say about what they think of you? And what would happen if you and I went head-to-head? Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh, listen, it's really sweet of you, but I'm fine, honestly.
You don't have to Can we have your copy of Grazia? Help yourself.
You off? Permanently.
They've sacked you? I punched my boss.
She bloody deserved it.
Great right hook, by the way.
See you round, then? Yeah.
When exactly? You understand that I've been forced to do this.
It's not my decision.
Andyou'd receive a generous .
.
a more than generous pay-off.
Good.
Well, that's settled, then.
Roger .
.
I know.
I know about your little secret.
Uxbridge Holdings, is it? I thought you said She's not exactly the Gestapo, Roger.
Then again What exactly do you know? Let's have a little chat about my redundancy first, shall we? (Whinnies) Morning! I told Roger, you know, if you go, I go.
He's going to give you a pay rise.
Your own office if you like.
This isn't about having my own office, Christine.
Look, I know I'm a pain in the arse, but, please, don't go.
I look on you as a friend.
One of my only friends.
You need professional help, Christine.
And I'll get it.
I know I've said it before, but I really will this time.
Things are gonna be different, you'll see.
I'm going to get through this.
We'll be a proper team.
Yeah! I can do it.
It's just not without you.
Besides, you have to stay now.
I just bought you a horse.
It's a Shetland pony.
If I sat on it, I'd kill it.
Best I could do at short notice.
Look, Christine, I just Please, just stay! Or at least think about it.
I mean, there must be something good about working with me.
(Whinnies) What have we got this morning? Marketing meeting at ten.
ISD coming down at 12.
Clear the diary.
I need to sort out this mess in HR.
Right.
The mess.
First thing's first.
I want you to draft up some job specs.
Are you going to this dreadful welcome party tonight? Not sure.
Maybe.
I thought we could leave early and go and have something NATASHA: I've been thinking.
Yeah? Aboutum Oh, what the hell.
What do I have to do to get a promotion? Um Meeting Room 3, five minutes? Yeah.
Why is she still here? I had a think about what you said earlier.
If you're such a high flyer, how come they didn't just sack me and put you straight in charge? Because it'd cost a fortune to pay you off.
Or maybe it's because they're not entirely sure you're up to it.
Maybe they want to see what you've got first.
Try before they buy, so to speak.
What's your point, Roger? Well, one day you may be such a big shot that matters are taken out of my hands, but I don't think we're there yet.
I was hired Stay out of my way or I swear to God I'll make your life a misery.
I sweated blood to get this job and I'll do anything to keep it - anything.
Christine stays and so does her PA.
Now, the troops are watching, so let's just play nice, shall we? Hello.
Have you heard the good news? You haven't found God, have you? No, no.
No, I spoke to Vivienne.
The treatment's going really, really well.
She'll back in a few weeks.
Christine, I love you! OK.
Back in a sec.
Vince! Vince! Listen, Max wants to see you, Meeting Room 3.
It's about the promotion.
Go.
Could I have a tonic water, please? Ice? Yes, please.
Lemon? Yeah.
Gin? You are missing one hell of a party.
I'll be down in a minute.
OK.
But I must warn you the cheesy dips are running dangerously low.
(Laughs) Dear God.
So, you coming or not? I'm not gonna wait forever.
(Knocks) Come in.
Oh, my God! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! I could stay if you want.
Considering we're a supermarket, there's not actually that much booze on offer.
God, you're a whinger! I'm just trying to be helpful.
You work in HR.
I'm offering you valuable staff feedback.
Feedback is duly noted.
Thank you.
I don't think you're taking me very seriously.
(Laughs) Well, we do prefer for staff feedback to be submitted in writing.
So, if I wanted to ask you to dance, I'd have to email you? (Laughs) I could probably make an exception.
Excuse me.
(Laughs) Do you think we should go and rescue him? No.
(Laughs) Leave it to him.
(Laughs) (Both laugh) Steven is such a terrible flirt.
I mean, it's all harmless fun.
It doesn't mean a thing.
Oh! Do you want anything? Coffee? Tea? Me? This is my vision for Butterworth's.
It's not your job to undermine me in front of the workforce.
I've decided to put the 'hu' back into human resources.
I'd like to make a complaint.
It's about Steven McColl.
What's the nature of the complaint? Sexual assault.
I stumbled and I put my hands out to steady myself.
Do you really think that I'm capable of sexual assault? Closed Captions by CSI