Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e01 Episode Script
Whither Canada?
( gulping and grunting ) ( breathing heavily ) ( gasping, breathing heavily ) IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
( music ends with squawk ) GOOD EVENING.
( pig squealing ) ( audience laughs ) ( playing|classical piano piece ) ( in German accent ):|HELLO AGAIN, AND|WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
TONIGHT, WE CONTINUE TO LOOK|AT SOME FAMOUS DEATHS.
TONIGHT WE START|WITH THE WONDERFUL DEATH OF GENGHIS KHAN,|CONQUEROR OF INDIA.
TAKE IT AWAY, GENGHIS.
( Mongol musicplaying ) ( grunts ) Announcer:|9.
1, 9.
3, 9.
7.
THAT'S 28.
1 FOR GENGHIS KHAN.
BAD LUCK, GENGHIS.
NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
AND NOW, HERE ARE THE SCORES.
WELL, YOU CAN SEE|THE SCORES NOW.
ST.
STEPHEN IN THE LEAD|THERE WITH HIS STONING.
THEN COMES KING RICHARD III|AT BOSWORTH FIELD-- A GRAND DEATH, THAT-- THEN THE VERY|LOVELY JEAN D'ARC.
THEN MARAT, IN HIS BATH-- BEST OF FRIENDS WITH CHARLOTTE|IN THE SHOWERS AFTERWARDS.
THEN A.
LINCOLN|OF THE U.
S.
OF A.
-- A GRAND LITTLE CHAP, THAT-- AND NUMBER SIX, GENGHIS KHAN AND THE BACK MARKER,|KING EDWARD VII.
BACK TO YOU, WOLFGANG.
THANK YOU, EDDIE.
AND NOW, TIME FOR|THIS WEEK'S REQUEST DEATH.
FOR MR.
AND|MRS.
VIOLET STEPPINGS OF 23 WOLVERSTON ROAD, HULL THE DEATH OF MR.
BRUCE FOSTER|OF GUILDFORD.
( whistling ) STREWTH! ( grunts ) OH, BLIMEY, HOW TIME FLIES! SADLY, WE ARE REACHING THE END|OF YET ANOTHER PROGRAM AND SO IT IS FINALE TIME.
WE ARE PROUD|TO BE BRINGING TO YOU ONE OF THE EVERGREEN|BUCKET KICKERS KISS ME, HARDY! ( thud ) ( pig squeals ) WELL, GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE AND WELCOME TO THE SECOND|OF OUR ITALIAN LANGUAGE CLASSES IN WHICH WE'LL BE HELPING YOU|BRUSH UP YOUR ITALIAN.
NOW, LAST WEEK WE STARTED|AT THE BEGINNING AND WE LEARNED THE ITALIAN|FOR A "SPOON.
" NOW, I WONDER HOW MANY OF YOU|CAN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS? ALL:|SI, SI! SIT DOWN, MARIO--|GIUSEPPE.
IL CUCCHIAIO.
OH, WELL DONE, GIUSEPPE OR AS THE ITALIANS|WOULD SAY, MOLTO BENE, GIUSEPPE.
GRAZIE, SIGNORE, GRAZIE|DE TUTTA LA SUA GENTILEZZA.
( laughter ) WELL, NOW, THIS WEEK|WE'RE GOING TO LEARN SOME USEFUL PHRASES TO HELP US OPEN A CONVERSATION|WITH AN ITALIAN.
NOW, FIRST OF ALL, TRY TELLING|HIM WHERE YOU COME FROM.
FOR EXAMPLE, I WOULD SAY, "SONO|INGLESE DI GERRARD'S CROSS.
" SHALL WE ALL TRY THAT TOGETHER? CLass:|SI, SI! ( in heavy English accent ):|SONO INGLESE|DI GERRARD'S CROSS.
NOT TOO BAD.
NOW LET'S TRY WITH|SOMEBODY ELSE-- MR.
MARIOLINI, SIGNOR.
MR.
MARIOLINI.
AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM? NAPOLI, SIGNOR.
YOU'RE ITALIAN? SI SI, SI.
WELL, IN THAT CASE YOU WOULD SAY,|"SONO ITALIANO DI NAPOLI.
" AH CAPISCO.
MILLE GRAZIE,|SIGNORE.
PER FA VORE,|SIGNORE.
YES? NON CONOSCEVE PARLIAMENTE SIGNOR, DEVO ME PARLO "SONO ITALIANO DI NAPOLI"|QUANDO IL HABITARE DE MILANO.
CHE STUPIDO! SORRY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
AH SIGNOR, MY|FRIEND IS SAYING BITTE,|MEIN HERR.
BITTE,|BITTE.
WAS IST DAS WORT|FUER "MITTELSCHMERZ"? HELMUT, YOU WANT|THE GERMAN CLASSES! OH DANKE SCHOEN.
AH, DAS DEUTSCHEN KLASSENZIMMER.
ACH! MY FRIEND, HE SAY, HE|SAY, "WHY MUST I SAY 'I AM ITALIAN|FROM NAPOLI'?" WHEN HE LIVES|IN MILAN.
AH WELL, TELL YOUR FRIEND|IF HE LIVES IN MILAN HE MUST SAY,|"SONO ITALIANO DI MILANO.
" EH, MILANO E TANTO|MEGLIO DI NAPOLI! CHE COSA? SI, I MILANESI SONO|I MEGLI NEL MONDO! HE SAY, "MILAN IS|BETTER THAN NAPOLI.
" WELL, HE SHOULDN'T|BE SAYING THAT.
WE HAVEN'T DONE|COMPARATIVES YET.
( all talking excitedly ) ( man playing "Quando Caliente|del Sol" on guitar ) ( pig squeals ) ( squealing ) ( gulps ) YES, MOTHERS,|NEW IMPROVED WHIZZO BUTTER CONTAINING 10% MORE LESS IS ABSOLUTELY INDISTINGUISHABLE|FROM A DEAD CRAB.
REMEMBER, BUY WHIZZO BUTTER|AND GO TO HEAVEN! ( Hallelujah Chorus plays ) I CAN'T TELL|THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIZZO BUTTER|AND THIS DEAD CRAB.
YES, YOU KNOW,|WE FIND THAT NINE OUT OF TEN|BRITISH HOUSEWIVES CAN'T TELL|THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIZZO BUTTER|AND A DEAD CRAB.
Housewives:|IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE, WE CAN'T.
( all squawking ) YOU'RE ON|TELEVISION,|AREN'T YOU? YES, YES.
( all squawking ) HE DOES THAT THING|WITH THOSE SILLY WOMEN WHO CAN'T TELL|THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIZZO BUTTER|AND A DEAD CRAB.
OH, YES.
YOU TRY THAT AROUND|HERE, YOUNG MAN AND WE'LL SLIT|YOUR FACE.
YES, WITH A RAZOR.
HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION|OF "IT'S THE ARTS.
" WE KICK OFF TONIGHT|WITH THE CINEMA.
GOOD EVENING.
ONE OF THE MOST PROLIFIC|OF FILM PRODUCERS OF THIS AGE, OR INDEED ANY AGE IS SIR EDWARD ROSS.
BACK IN THIS COUNTRY FOR THE FIRST TIME|FOR FIVE YEARS TO OPEN A SEASON|OF HIS WORKS AT THE NATIONAL|FILM THEATER.
AND WE ARE VERY|FORTUNATE TO HAVE HIM WITH US HERE IN|THE STUDIO THIS EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.
EDWARD-- YOU DON'T MIND|IF I CALL YOU EDWARD.
NO, NOT AT ALL.
ONLY IT DOES WORRY SOME PEOPLE-- I DON'T KNOW WHY-- PERHAPS|THEY'RE A LITTLE SENSITIVE SO I DO TAKE THE PRECAUTION|OF ASKING ON THESE OCCASIONS.
OH, NO, THAT'S FINE.
SO "EDWARD" IS ALL RIGHT.
SPLENDID, SPLENDID.
SORRY TO HAVE BROUGHT IT UP.
NO, NO, "EDWARD" IT IS.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH INDEED|FOR BEING SO HELPFUL ONLY IT'S MORE THAN MY JOB'S|WORTH TO, ER QUITE, YES.
MAKES IT RATHER DIFFICULT|TO ESTABLISH A RAPPORT TO PUT THE OTHER PERSON|AT THEIR EASE.
QUITE.
YES, SILLY LITTLE POINT BUT IT DOES SEEM TO MATTER.
STILL LESS SAID THE BETTER.
UM TED, WHEN YOU|FIRST STARTED IN THE YOU DON'T MIND|IF I CALL YOU TED? NO, NO, NO.
EVERYONE|CALLS ME TED.
WELL, IT'S SHORTER,|ISN'T IT? YES, IT IS.
AND MUCH LESS FORMAL.
TED, EDWARD,|ANYTHING.
SPLENDID, SPLENDID.
INCIDENTALLY,|DO CALL ME TOM.
I DON'T WANT YOU|PLAYING AROUND WITH ANY OF THIS|"THOMAS" NONSENSE.
( laughing ) NOW, WHERE WERE WE? EDDIE-BABY,|WHEN YOU FIRST I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY,|I DON'T LIKE BEING CALLED|EDDIE-BABY.
I'M SORRY? I DON'T LIKE BEING|CALLED EDDIE-BABY.
DID I CALL YOU|EDDIE-BABY? YES, YOU DID.
NOW GET ON WITH IT.
I DON'T THINK I DID|CALL YOU EDDIE-BABY.
YOU DID CALL ME|EDDIE-BABY.
DID I CALL HIM|EDDIE-BABY? Audience:|YES! NO! I DIDN'T REALLY|CALL YOU EDDIE-BABY DID I, SWEETIE? DON'T CALL ME|SWEETIE! CAN I CALL YOU|SUGAR PLUM? NO! PUSSYCAT?|NO! ANGEL-DRAWERS? NO, YOU MAY NOT! NOW, GET ON WITH IT.
FRANK.
WHAT? CAN I CALL|YOU FRANK? WHY FRANK? IT'S A NICE NAME.
ROBIN DAY'S GOT A HEDGEHOG|CALLED FRANK.
WHAT'S GOING ON? FRANNIE, LITTLE FRANNIE,|FRANNIE KNICKERS.
NO, I'M LEAVING.
I'M LEAVING--|I'M OFF.
TELL US ABOUT YOUR|LATEST FILM, SIR EDWARD.
WHAT? TELL US ABOUT|YOUR LATEST FILM IF YOU'D BE SO KIND,|SIR EDWARD.
NONE OF THIS|"PUSSYCAT" NONSENSE? PROMISE.
PLEASE,|SIR EDWARD.
( laughter ) MY LATEST FILM? YES, SIR EDWARD.
WELL, THE IDEA, FUNNILY ENOUGH,|CAME FROM AN IDEA I HAD WHEN I FIRST JOINED|THE INDUSTRY IN 1919.
OF COURSE, IN THOSE DAYS,|I WAS ONLY A TEA BOY.
OH, SHUT UP! SIR EDWARD ROSS.
NOW, LATER IN THE PROGRAM WE'LL BE BRINGING YOU|A UNIQUE EVENT IN THE WORLD OF MODERN ART.
PABLO PICASSO WILL BE DOING|A SPECIAL PAINTING FOR US ON THIS PROGRAM|LIVE, ON A BICYCLE.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT PICASSO HAS PAINTED|WHILE CYCLING.
BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO LOOK|AT A MAN WHOSE METEORIC RISE ( pig squealing ) ( gunshot ) ( symphony playing ) LAST WEEK THE ROYAL|FESTIVAL HALL SAW THE FIRST PERFORMANCE|OF A NEW SYMPHONY BY ONE OF THE WORLD'S|LEADING MODERN COMPOSERS ARTHUR "TWO SHEDS"|JACKSON.
MR.
JACKSON.
GOOD EVENING.
MAY I JUST SIDETRACK YOU FOR ONE MOMENT, MR.
JACKSON? THIS-- WHAT SHALL I CALL IT?--|NICKNAME OF YOURS OH, YES.
TWO SHEDS.
HOW DID YOU COME BY IT? WELL, I DON'T|USE IT MYSELF.
IT'S JUST A FEW OF MY|FRIENDS CALL ME "TWO SHEDS.
" I SEE.
AND DO YOU IN FACT|HAVE TWO SHEDS? NO, I'VE ONLY|ONE SHED.
I'VE HAD ONE|FOR SOME TIME.
BUT A FEW YEARS AGO|I SAID I WAS THINKING OF GETTING ANOTHER ONE,|AND SINCE THEN SOME PEOPLE HAVE|CALLED ME "TWO SHEDS.
" IN SPITE OF THE FACT|THAT YOU HAVE ONLY ONE.
YES.
I SEE AND|ARE YOU THINKING OF PURCHASING|A SECOND SHED? NO.
TO BRING YOU IN LINE|WITH YOUR EPITHET? NO.
I SEE, I SEE.
WELL, LET'S RETURN|TO YOUR SYMPHONY.
DID YOU WRITE THIS SYMPHONY IN THE SHED? NO.
HAVE YOU WRITTEN ANY OF YOUR RECENT WORKS|IN THIS SHED OF YOURS? NO, IT'S JUST A PERFECTLY|ORDINARY GARDEN SHED.
I SEE.
AND YOU'RE THINKING OF|BUYING THIS SECOND SHED TO WRITE IN? NO, NO, LOOK|THIS SHED BUSINESS IT DOESN'T REALLY|MATTER AT ALL.
THE SHEDS AREN'T|IMPORTANT.
IT'S JUST A FEW FRIENDS|CALL ME "TWO SHEDS" AND THAT'S ALL|THERE IS TO IT.
I WISH YOU'D ASK ME|ABOUT ME MUSIC.
I'M A COMPOSER.
PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME|ABOUT THE SHEDS.
THEY'VE GOT IT|OUT OF PROPORTION.
I'M FED UP|WITH THE SHEDS.
I WISH I'D NEVER GOT IT|IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I EXPECT YOU'RE PROBABLY|THINKING OF SELLING ONE.
I WILL SELL ONE.
THEN YOU'D BE ARTHUR|"NO SHEDS" JACKSON.
LOOK, FORGET ABOUT THE SHEDS--|THEY DON'T MATTER.
MR.
JACKSON, I THINK,|WITH RESPECT WE OUGHT TO TALK|ABOUT YOUR SYMPHONY.
WHAT? APPARENTLY YOUR|SYMPHONY WAS WRITTEN FOR ORGAN AND TIMPANI.
WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S WHAT? IT'S A SHED--|GET IT OFF.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, THEN,|MR.
JACKSON YOUR SYMPHONY.
I UNDERSTAND|THAT YOU USED THAT YOU USED|TO BE INTERESTED|IN TRAINSPOTTING.
WHAT? I UNDERSTAND THAT ABOUT 30 YEARS AGO YOU WERE EXTREMELY INTERESTED|IN TRAINSPOTTING.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO|WITH MY BLOODY MUSIC?? ARE YOU HAVING ANY TROUBLE FROM HIM? YES, A LITTLE.
WELL, WE INTERVIEWERS|ARE MORE THAN A MATCH FOR THE LIKES|OF YOU, TWO SHEDS.
YES, MAKE YOURSELF|SCARCE, TWO SHEDS.
THIS STUDIO|ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE THREE OF US.
GET YOUR OWN ARTS|PROGRAM, YOU FAIRY.
ARTHUR "TWO SHEDS"|JACKSON.
Interviewer 1:|NEVER MIND, TIMMY.
Interviewer 2:|OH, MICHAEL, YOU'RE|SUCH A COMFORT.
ARTHUR "TWO SHEDS" JACKSON.
AND NOW FOR MORE NEWS OF|THE MOMENTOUS ARTISTIC EVENT WHEN PABLO PICASSO IS DOING A SPECIALLY COMMISSIONED|PAINTING FOR US WHILST RIDING A BICYCLE.
PABLO PICASSO,|THE FOUNDER OF MODERN ART WITHOUT DOUBT THE GREATEST|ABSTRACT PAINTER EVER FOR THE FIRST TIME|PAINTING IN MOTION.
BUT FIRST OF ALL LET'S HAVE A LOOK|AT THE ROUTE HE'LL BE TAKING.
WELL, PICASSO WILL BE STARTING,|DAVID, AT CHICHESTER HERE.
HE'LL THEN CYCLE|ON THE A29 TO FONTWELL.
HE'LL THEN TAKE THE A272, WHICH|WILL BRING HIM ON TO THE A3 JUST NORTH OF HINDHEAD HERE.
FROM THEN ON, PABLO HAS|A STRAIGHT RUN ON THE A3 UNTIL HE MEETS THE SOUTH|CIRCULAR AT BATTERSEA HERE.
WELL, THIS IS A TRULY|REMARKABLE OCCASION.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME THAT A MODERN ARTIST OF SUCH|STATURE HAS TAKEN THE A272.
AND IT'LL BE VERY|INTERESTING TO SEE HOW HE COPES|WITH THE HEAVY TRAFFIC ROUND THE WISBOROUGH|GREEN-- VICKY.
WELL, PICASSO WILL BE RIDING|HIS VIKING SUPER ROADSTER WITH THE DROP HANDLEBARS|AND THE DUAL-THREAD WHEEL RIMS.
AND WITH HIS WILEY-PRAT|20-TO-1 SYNCHRO-MESH HE SHOULD EXPERIENCE|DIFFICULTIES ON THE SORT OF ROAD SURFACES THEY JUST DON'T|GET ABROAD-- MITZIE.
AND NOW FOR THE LATEST REPORT|ON PICASSO'S PROGRESS OVER TO REG MOSS|ON THE GUILDFORD BYPASS.
WELL, THERE'S NO SIGN|OF PICASSO AT THE MOMENT, DAVID BUT HE SHOULD BE|THROUGH HERE AT ANY MOMENT.
HOWEVER, I DO HAVE WITH ME MR.
RON GEPPO,|BRITISH CYCLING SPRINT CHAMPION AND THIS|YEAR'S WINNER OF THE DERBY|DONCASTER RALLY.
WELL, REG, I THINK|PABLO SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT PROVIDED HE DOESN'T|ATTEMPT ANYTHING ON THE MONUMENTAL SCALE OF SOME OF HIS|EARLIER PAINTINGS LIKE GUERNICA OR|MADEMOISELLES D'A VIGNON OR EVEN HIS LATER|WAR AND PEACE MURALS FOR THE TEMPLE OF PEACE|CHAPEL AT VALLAURIS BECAUSE WITH THIS STRONG HEAD|WIND, I DON'T THINK EVEN DOUG TIMPSON|OF MANCHESTER HARRIERS COULD PAINT ANYTHING|ON THAT KIND OF SCALE.
WELL, THANK|YOU, RON.
WELL, THERE STILL|SEEMS TO BE NO|SIGN OF PICASSO SO I'LL HAND YOU|BACK TO THE STUDIO.
WELL, WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT PICASSO IS APPROACHING THE|TOLWORTH ROUNDABOUT ON THE A3.
SO COME IN,|SAM TRENCH AT TOLWORTH.
WELL, SOMETHING CERTAINLY|IS HAPPENING HERE AT TOLWORTH ROUNDABOUT, DAVID.
I CAN NOW SEE PICASSO.
HE'S CYCLING DOWN VERY HARD TOWARDS THE ROUNDABOUT.
HE'S ABOUT 75, 50 YARDS AWAY AND I CAN NOW SEE HIS PAINTING.
IT'S AN ABSTRACT.
I CAN SEE SOME BLUE, SOME PURPLE SOME LITTLE BLACK OVAL SHAPES.
I THINK I CAN SEE THAT'S NOT PICASSO.
THAT'S KANDINSKY.
GOOD LORD,|YOU'RE RIGHT! IT'S KANDINSKY,|WASILY KANDINSKY! AND WHO'S THIS|HERE WITH HIM? IT'S BRAQUE,|GEORGES BRAQUE|OF THE CUBISTS PAINTING A BIRD|IN FLIGHT OVER|A CORNFIELD AND GOING VERY FAST|DOWN THE HILL TOWARDS KINGSTON.
AND PIET MONDRIAN|JUST BEHIND PIET MONDRIAN|THE NEOPLASTICIST THEN A GAP,|THEN THE MAIN BUNCH.
HERE THEY COME: CHAGALL,|MAX ERNST, MIRO, DUFY BEN NICHOLSON,|JACKSON POLLOCK AND BERNARD BUFFET|MAKING A BREAK ON THE OUTSIDE HERE.
BRANCUSI'S|GOING WITH HIM.
SO IS GERICAULT,|FERNAND LEGER, DELAUNAY DE KOONING KOKOSCHKA'S|DROPPING BACK HERE BY A LITTLE BIT AND SO'S PAUL KLEE|DROPPING BACK A BIT AND, RIGHT AT THE BACK|OF THIS GROUP OUR VERY OWN|KURT SCHWITTERS.
SCHWITTERS|IS GERMAN.
AS YET ABSOLUTELY|NO SIGN OF|PABLO PICASSO.
AND SO, FROM|TOLWORTH ROUNDABOUT BACK TO THE STUDIO.
( laughter ) WELL, I THINK I CAN|HELP YOU THERE, SAM.
WE'RE GETTING REPORTS IN|FROM THE A.
A.
THAT PICASSO PICASSO HAS FALLEN OFF! HE'S FALLEN OFF HIS BICYCLE ON|THE B2127 JUST OUTSIDE EWHURST TRYING TO GET A SHORTCUT|THROUGH TO DORKING VIA GOMSLAKE AND PEASHALL.
WELL, PICASSO IS|REPORTED TO BE UNHURT BUT THE PIG HAS|A SLIGHT HEADACHE.
AND ON THAT NOTE, WE|MUST SAY GOOD NIGHT TO YOU.
PICASSO HAS FAILED IN HIS FIRST BID FOR|INTERNATIONAL CYCLING FAME.
SO FROM ALL OF US HERE|AT THE IT'S THEARTS STUDIO IT'S GOOD NIGHT.
|GOOD NIGHT.
( grunts, squeals ) ( military march plays ) Man:|HOLD IT.
Woman:|SIT UP.
SIT UP! SIT UP! ( grunting ) SIT UP.
( man screams ) ( men muttering ) Woman:|OOH! ( men muttering,|woman protesting ) Woman:|SHH THERE'S|SOMEBODY OUT THERE.
Man:|HUH? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Woman:|HELP, HELP ME, I'M|TRAPPED IN THIS BODY.
OH, PLEASE, HELP ME OUT! ( screams ) ( footsteps ) ( clanging ) HELP ME, OH, PLEASE,|HELP ME OUT.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
( footsteps ) ( power tool grinding ) I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! ( muffled talking ) ( audience laughing ) ( footsteps approaching ) HMM JUST|CHECKIN'.
JUST CHECKIN'.
( footsteps retreating ) ( door closes ) ( laughter ) OH, NO YOU DON'T.
( man muttering ) ( calliope musicplaying ) ( laughter ) Both:|OOH! ( laughter ) Woman:|SHH SOMEBODY OUT THERE.
( gunshot, grunt ) ( giggling ) ( rapid footsteps approaching ) ( pig grunts, man groans ) DOBSON'S BOUGHT|IT, SIR.
PORKER, EH? SWINE.
Narrator:|THIS MAN IS ERNEST SCRIBBLER,|WRITER OF JOKES.
IN A FEW MOMENTS HE WILL HAVE WRITTEN THE|FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD AND, AS A CONSEQUENCE,|HE WILL DIE LAUGHING.
( giggles ) ( chortles ) ( laughing ) ( audience laughing ) Narrator:|IT WAS OBVIOUS|THAT THIS JOKE WAS LETHAL.
NO ONE COULD READ IT AND LIVE.
( gasping ) ( tittering ) ( shrieking with laughter ) THIS MORNING,|SHORTLY AFTER 11:00 COMEDY STRUCK THIS LITTLE|HOUSE IN DIBLEY ROAD.
SUDDEN, VIOLENT COMEDY.
POLICE HAVE SEALED OFF THE AREA AND SCOTLAND YARD'S CRACK|INSPECTOR IS WITH ME NOW.
I SHALL ENTER|THE HOUSE AND ATTEMPT TO|REMOVE THE JOKE.
( screaming laughter ) ( grunt ) I SHALL BE AIDED BY THE SOUND|OF SOMBER MUSIC PLAYED ON|GRAMOPHONE RECORDS AND ALSO BY THE|CHANTING OF LAMENTS BY THE MEN OF|"Q" DIVISION.
THE ATMOSPHERE THUS CREATED|SHOULD PROTECT ME IN THE EVENTUALITY|OF ME READING THE JOKE.
( moaning ) ( somber orchestral|musicplays ) WELL, THERE GOES A BRAVE MAN.
WHETHER HE COMES|OUT ALIVE OR NOT THIS WILL SURELY BE REMEMBERED AS ONE OF THE MOST COURAGEOUS|AND GALLANT ACTS IN POLICE HISTORY.
( cackling ) ( cackling, moaning stop ) Narrator:|IT WAS NOT LONG BEFORE THE ARMY|BECAME INTERESTED IN THE MILITARY POTENTIAL|OF THE KILLER JOKE.
UNDER TOP SECURITY,|THE JOKE WAS HURRIED TO A MEETING|OF ALLIED COMMANDERS AT THE MINISTRY OF WAR.
( men cackling, whooping ) ( sequential thuds ) ( whoops, thuds cease ) Narrator:|TOP BRASS WERE IMPRESSED.
TESTS ON SALISBURY PLAIN|CONFIRMED THE JOKE'S DEVASTATING|EFFECTIVENESS AT A RANGE OF UP TO 50 YARDS.
( snickers ) ( audience laughing ) ( in unison ):|FANTASTIC.
ALL THROUGH THE WINTER OF '43 WE HAD TRANSLATORS WORKING|IN JOKE-PROOF CONDITIONS TO TRY AND PRODUCE A GERMAN|VERSION OF THE JOKE.
THEY WORKED ON ONE WORD EACH|FOR GREATER SAFETY.
ONE OF THEM SAW|TWO WORDS OF THE JOKE AND SPENT SEVERAL|WEEKS IN HOSPITAL.
BUT APART FROM THAT,|THINGS WENT PRETTY QUICKLY AND WE SOON HAD|THE JOKE BY JANUARY IN A FORM WHICH OUR TROOPS|COULDN'T UNDERSTAND BUT WHICH THE GERMANS COULD.
( explosions ) ( gunfire ) Narrator:|SO ON JULY 8, 1944 THE JOKE WAS FIRST TOLD|TO THE ENEMY IN THE ARDENNES.
( gunfire ) SQUAD, GET|READY JOKE! SQUAD, TELL|THE JOKE! ALL:|WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK|GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND DAS ODER|DIE FLIPPERWALDT GESPUHRT! ( weapons fall silent ) ( men muttering in German ) ( roaring laughter ) Narrator:|IT WAS A FANTASTIC SUCCESS OVER 60,000 TIMES AS POWERFUL|AS BRITAIN'S GREAT PREWAR JOKE AND ONE WHICH HITLER|JUST COULDN'T MATCH.
INSBESONDERE KEINER MEHR DER|IN DEUTSCHLAND LEBEN WIRD WIR SIND DES REICHES|JUNGE MANNSCHAFT! EURE SCHULE.
Narrator:|IN ACTION, IT WAS DEADLY.
( gunfire ) WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK|GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND ( laughs ) ( audience laughs ) SoLdiers:|WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK|GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND NUNSTUCK GEHT|UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND DAS ODER|DIE FLIPPERWALDT GESPUHRT! ( men laughing ) Narrator:|GERMAN CASUALTIES|WERE APPALLING.
( laughing ) Man ( in German accent ):|WHAT IS THE BIG JOKE? I CAN ONLY GIVE|YOU A NAME, RANK AND "WHY DID THE CHICKEN|CROSS THE ROAD?" THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
( moans ) I WANT TO KNOW THE JOKE! ALL RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU MAKE|A NAZI CROSS? I DON'T KNOW.
HOW DO YOU MAKE|A NAZI CROSS? TREAD ON HIS CORNS.
GOTT IM HIMMEL! THAT'S NOT FUNNY! NOW, IF YOU DON'T|TELL ME THE JOKE I SHALL HIT|YOU PROPERLY.
I CAN STAND PHYSICAL|PAIN, YOU KNOW.
ACH, YOU'RE NO FUN! ALL RIGHT, OTTO! OH, NO-- NO, ANYTHING|BUT THAT, PLEASE.
TICKLE HIM.
( laughing ) ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU.
QUICK-- OTTO,|THE TYPEWRITER! WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK|GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND DAS ODER|DIE FLIPPERWALDT GESPUHRT! ( cackles ) ( cackling ceases, thud ) THAT'S NOT FUNNY! ( audience laughing ) DIE FLIPPERWALDT|GESPUHRT! ( imitates Woody|Woodpecker laugh ) ( audience laughs ) WAS IST,|WAS GIBT'S? WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND DAS ODER|DIE FLIPPERWALDT GESPUHRT! HMM? ( snickers ) Narrator:|IN PEENEMUNDE|IN THE AUTUMN OF '44 THE GERMANS WERE WORKING|ON A JOKE OF THEIR OWN.
( clears throat ) DIE IST EIN KINDERHUNDER UND ZWEI MACKELUBER UND BITTE SCHON IST|DEN WUNDERHAUS SPRECHEN SIE.
"NEIN, "ZWECKT DER HERREN.
"ISTAUF'N BORGER|MITZWEITINGEN.
" WE'LL LET|YOU KNOW.
Narrator:|BUT BY DECEMBER,|THEIR JOKE WAS READY.
AND HITLER GAVE THE ORDER Man ( over radio ):|There were zwei peanuts|waLking down the strasse and one was assaulted peanut.
( chortles ) ( "DeutschLand Uber ALLes"|playing ) IN 1945, PEACE BROKE OUT.
IT WAS THE END OF THE JOKE.
JOKE WARFARE WAS BANNED AT A SPECIAL SESSION OF THE|GENEVA CONVENTION, AND IN 1950 THE LAST REMAINING COPY|OF THE JOKE WAS LAID TO REST HERE IN THE BERKSHIRE|COUNTRYSIDE NEVER TO BE TOLD AGAIN.
( "Rule Britannia"playing ) ( whistle blows ) ( snorts ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS Captioned by|The Caption Center|WGBH EducationaL Foundation.]
( panting ) ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) Man:|AND HERE IS THE FINAL SCORE:|PIGS 9, BRITISH BIPEDS 4.
THE PIGS GO ON TO MEET|VICKI CARR IN THE FINAL.
( laughter and applause )
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
( music ends with squawk ) GOOD EVENING.
( pig squealing ) ( audience laughs ) ( playing|classical piano piece ) ( in German accent ):|HELLO AGAIN, AND|WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
TONIGHT, WE CONTINUE TO LOOK|AT SOME FAMOUS DEATHS.
TONIGHT WE START|WITH THE WONDERFUL DEATH OF GENGHIS KHAN,|CONQUEROR OF INDIA.
TAKE IT AWAY, GENGHIS.
( Mongol musicplaying ) ( grunts ) Announcer:|9.
1, 9.
3, 9.
7.
THAT'S 28.
1 FOR GENGHIS KHAN.
BAD LUCK, GENGHIS.
NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
AND NOW, HERE ARE THE SCORES.
WELL, YOU CAN SEE|THE SCORES NOW.
ST.
STEPHEN IN THE LEAD|THERE WITH HIS STONING.
THEN COMES KING RICHARD III|AT BOSWORTH FIELD-- A GRAND DEATH, THAT-- THEN THE VERY|LOVELY JEAN D'ARC.
THEN MARAT, IN HIS BATH-- BEST OF FRIENDS WITH CHARLOTTE|IN THE SHOWERS AFTERWARDS.
THEN A.
LINCOLN|OF THE U.
S.
OF A.
-- A GRAND LITTLE CHAP, THAT-- AND NUMBER SIX, GENGHIS KHAN AND THE BACK MARKER,|KING EDWARD VII.
BACK TO YOU, WOLFGANG.
THANK YOU, EDDIE.
AND NOW, TIME FOR|THIS WEEK'S REQUEST DEATH.
FOR MR.
AND|MRS.
VIOLET STEPPINGS OF 23 WOLVERSTON ROAD, HULL THE DEATH OF MR.
BRUCE FOSTER|OF GUILDFORD.
( whistling ) STREWTH! ( grunts ) OH, BLIMEY, HOW TIME FLIES! SADLY, WE ARE REACHING THE END|OF YET ANOTHER PROGRAM AND SO IT IS FINALE TIME.
WE ARE PROUD|TO BE BRINGING TO YOU ONE OF THE EVERGREEN|BUCKET KICKERS KISS ME, HARDY! ( thud ) ( pig squeals ) WELL, GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE AND WELCOME TO THE SECOND|OF OUR ITALIAN LANGUAGE CLASSES IN WHICH WE'LL BE HELPING YOU|BRUSH UP YOUR ITALIAN.
NOW, LAST WEEK WE STARTED|AT THE BEGINNING AND WE LEARNED THE ITALIAN|FOR A "SPOON.
" NOW, I WONDER HOW MANY OF YOU|CAN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS? ALL:|SI, SI! SIT DOWN, MARIO--|GIUSEPPE.
IL CUCCHIAIO.
OH, WELL DONE, GIUSEPPE OR AS THE ITALIANS|WOULD SAY, MOLTO BENE, GIUSEPPE.
GRAZIE, SIGNORE, GRAZIE|DE TUTTA LA SUA GENTILEZZA.
( laughter ) WELL, NOW, THIS WEEK|WE'RE GOING TO LEARN SOME USEFUL PHRASES TO HELP US OPEN A CONVERSATION|WITH AN ITALIAN.
NOW, FIRST OF ALL, TRY TELLING|HIM WHERE YOU COME FROM.
FOR EXAMPLE, I WOULD SAY, "SONO|INGLESE DI GERRARD'S CROSS.
" SHALL WE ALL TRY THAT TOGETHER? CLass:|SI, SI! ( in heavy English accent ):|SONO INGLESE|DI GERRARD'S CROSS.
NOT TOO BAD.
NOW LET'S TRY WITH|SOMEBODY ELSE-- MR.
MARIOLINI, SIGNOR.
MR.
MARIOLINI.
AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM? NAPOLI, SIGNOR.
YOU'RE ITALIAN? SI SI, SI.
WELL, IN THAT CASE YOU WOULD SAY,|"SONO ITALIANO DI NAPOLI.
" AH CAPISCO.
MILLE GRAZIE,|SIGNORE.
PER FA VORE,|SIGNORE.
YES? NON CONOSCEVE PARLIAMENTE SIGNOR, DEVO ME PARLO "SONO ITALIANO DI NAPOLI"|QUANDO IL HABITARE DE MILANO.
CHE STUPIDO! SORRY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
AH SIGNOR, MY|FRIEND IS SAYING BITTE,|MEIN HERR.
BITTE,|BITTE.
WAS IST DAS WORT|FUER "MITTELSCHMERZ"? HELMUT, YOU WANT|THE GERMAN CLASSES! OH DANKE SCHOEN.
AH, DAS DEUTSCHEN KLASSENZIMMER.
ACH! MY FRIEND, HE SAY, HE|SAY, "WHY MUST I SAY 'I AM ITALIAN|FROM NAPOLI'?" WHEN HE LIVES|IN MILAN.
AH WELL, TELL YOUR FRIEND|IF HE LIVES IN MILAN HE MUST SAY,|"SONO ITALIANO DI MILANO.
" EH, MILANO E TANTO|MEGLIO DI NAPOLI! CHE COSA? SI, I MILANESI SONO|I MEGLI NEL MONDO! HE SAY, "MILAN IS|BETTER THAN NAPOLI.
" WELL, HE SHOULDN'T|BE SAYING THAT.
WE HAVEN'T DONE|COMPARATIVES YET.
( all talking excitedly ) ( man playing "Quando Caliente|del Sol" on guitar ) ( pig squeals ) ( squealing ) ( gulps ) YES, MOTHERS,|NEW IMPROVED WHIZZO BUTTER CONTAINING 10% MORE LESS IS ABSOLUTELY INDISTINGUISHABLE|FROM A DEAD CRAB.
REMEMBER, BUY WHIZZO BUTTER|AND GO TO HEAVEN! ( Hallelujah Chorus plays ) I CAN'T TELL|THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIZZO BUTTER|AND THIS DEAD CRAB.
YES, YOU KNOW,|WE FIND THAT NINE OUT OF TEN|BRITISH HOUSEWIVES CAN'T TELL|THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIZZO BUTTER|AND A DEAD CRAB.
Housewives:|IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE, WE CAN'T.
( all squawking ) YOU'RE ON|TELEVISION,|AREN'T YOU? YES, YES.
( all squawking ) HE DOES THAT THING|WITH THOSE SILLY WOMEN WHO CAN'T TELL|THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIZZO BUTTER|AND A DEAD CRAB.
OH, YES.
YOU TRY THAT AROUND|HERE, YOUNG MAN AND WE'LL SLIT|YOUR FACE.
YES, WITH A RAZOR.
HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION|OF "IT'S THE ARTS.
" WE KICK OFF TONIGHT|WITH THE CINEMA.
GOOD EVENING.
ONE OF THE MOST PROLIFIC|OF FILM PRODUCERS OF THIS AGE, OR INDEED ANY AGE IS SIR EDWARD ROSS.
BACK IN THIS COUNTRY FOR THE FIRST TIME|FOR FIVE YEARS TO OPEN A SEASON|OF HIS WORKS AT THE NATIONAL|FILM THEATER.
AND WE ARE VERY|FORTUNATE TO HAVE HIM WITH US HERE IN|THE STUDIO THIS EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.
EDWARD-- YOU DON'T MIND|IF I CALL YOU EDWARD.
NO, NOT AT ALL.
ONLY IT DOES WORRY SOME PEOPLE-- I DON'T KNOW WHY-- PERHAPS|THEY'RE A LITTLE SENSITIVE SO I DO TAKE THE PRECAUTION|OF ASKING ON THESE OCCASIONS.
OH, NO, THAT'S FINE.
SO "EDWARD" IS ALL RIGHT.
SPLENDID, SPLENDID.
SORRY TO HAVE BROUGHT IT UP.
NO, NO, "EDWARD" IT IS.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH INDEED|FOR BEING SO HELPFUL ONLY IT'S MORE THAN MY JOB'S|WORTH TO, ER QUITE, YES.
MAKES IT RATHER DIFFICULT|TO ESTABLISH A RAPPORT TO PUT THE OTHER PERSON|AT THEIR EASE.
QUITE.
YES, SILLY LITTLE POINT BUT IT DOES SEEM TO MATTER.
STILL LESS SAID THE BETTER.
UM TED, WHEN YOU|FIRST STARTED IN THE YOU DON'T MIND|IF I CALL YOU TED? NO, NO, NO.
EVERYONE|CALLS ME TED.
WELL, IT'S SHORTER,|ISN'T IT? YES, IT IS.
AND MUCH LESS FORMAL.
TED, EDWARD,|ANYTHING.
SPLENDID, SPLENDID.
INCIDENTALLY,|DO CALL ME TOM.
I DON'T WANT YOU|PLAYING AROUND WITH ANY OF THIS|"THOMAS" NONSENSE.
( laughing ) NOW, WHERE WERE WE? EDDIE-BABY,|WHEN YOU FIRST I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY,|I DON'T LIKE BEING CALLED|EDDIE-BABY.
I'M SORRY? I DON'T LIKE BEING|CALLED EDDIE-BABY.
DID I CALL YOU|EDDIE-BABY? YES, YOU DID.
NOW GET ON WITH IT.
I DON'T THINK I DID|CALL YOU EDDIE-BABY.
YOU DID CALL ME|EDDIE-BABY.
DID I CALL HIM|EDDIE-BABY? Audience:|YES! NO! I DIDN'T REALLY|CALL YOU EDDIE-BABY DID I, SWEETIE? DON'T CALL ME|SWEETIE! CAN I CALL YOU|SUGAR PLUM? NO! PUSSYCAT?|NO! ANGEL-DRAWERS? NO, YOU MAY NOT! NOW, GET ON WITH IT.
FRANK.
WHAT? CAN I CALL|YOU FRANK? WHY FRANK? IT'S A NICE NAME.
ROBIN DAY'S GOT A HEDGEHOG|CALLED FRANK.
WHAT'S GOING ON? FRANNIE, LITTLE FRANNIE,|FRANNIE KNICKERS.
NO, I'M LEAVING.
I'M LEAVING--|I'M OFF.
TELL US ABOUT YOUR|LATEST FILM, SIR EDWARD.
WHAT? TELL US ABOUT|YOUR LATEST FILM IF YOU'D BE SO KIND,|SIR EDWARD.
NONE OF THIS|"PUSSYCAT" NONSENSE? PROMISE.
PLEASE,|SIR EDWARD.
( laughter ) MY LATEST FILM? YES, SIR EDWARD.
WELL, THE IDEA, FUNNILY ENOUGH,|CAME FROM AN IDEA I HAD WHEN I FIRST JOINED|THE INDUSTRY IN 1919.
OF COURSE, IN THOSE DAYS,|I WAS ONLY A TEA BOY.
OH, SHUT UP! SIR EDWARD ROSS.
NOW, LATER IN THE PROGRAM WE'LL BE BRINGING YOU|A UNIQUE EVENT IN THE WORLD OF MODERN ART.
PABLO PICASSO WILL BE DOING|A SPECIAL PAINTING FOR US ON THIS PROGRAM|LIVE, ON A BICYCLE.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT PICASSO HAS PAINTED|WHILE CYCLING.
BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO LOOK|AT A MAN WHOSE METEORIC RISE ( pig squealing ) ( gunshot ) ( symphony playing ) LAST WEEK THE ROYAL|FESTIVAL HALL SAW THE FIRST PERFORMANCE|OF A NEW SYMPHONY BY ONE OF THE WORLD'S|LEADING MODERN COMPOSERS ARTHUR "TWO SHEDS"|JACKSON.
MR.
JACKSON.
GOOD EVENING.
MAY I JUST SIDETRACK YOU FOR ONE MOMENT, MR.
JACKSON? THIS-- WHAT SHALL I CALL IT?--|NICKNAME OF YOURS OH, YES.
TWO SHEDS.
HOW DID YOU COME BY IT? WELL, I DON'T|USE IT MYSELF.
IT'S JUST A FEW OF MY|FRIENDS CALL ME "TWO SHEDS.
" I SEE.
AND DO YOU IN FACT|HAVE TWO SHEDS? NO, I'VE ONLY|ONE SHED.
I'VE HAD ONE|FOR SOME TIME.
BUT A FEW YEARS AGO|I SAID I WAS THINKING OF GETTING ANOTHER ONE,|AND SINCE THEN SOME PEOPLE HAVE|CALLED ME "TWO SHEDS.
" IN SPITE OF THE FACT|THAT YOU HAVE ONLY ONE.
YES.
I SEE AND|ARE YOU THINKING OF PURCHASING|A SECOND SHED? NO.
TO BRING YOU IN LINE|WITH YOUR EPITHET? NO.
I SEE, I SEE.
WELL, LET'S RETURN|TO YOUR SYMPHONY.
DID YOU WRITE THIS SYMPHONY IN THE SHED? NO.
HAVE YOU WRITTEN ANY OF YOUR RECENT WORKS|IN THIS SHED OF YOURS? NO, IT'S JUST A PERFECTLY|ORDINARY GARDEN SHED.
I SEE.
AND YOU'RE THINKING OF|BUYING THIS SECOND SHED TO WRITE IN? NO, NO, LOOK|THIS SHED BUSINESS IT DOESN'T REALLY|MATTER AT ALL.
THE SHEDS AREN'T|IMPORTANT.
IT'S JUST A FEW FRIENDS|CALL ME "TWO SHEDS" AND THAT'S ALL|THERE IS TO IT.
I WISH YOU'D ASK ME|ABOUT ME MUSIC.
I'M A COMPOSER.
PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME|ABOUT THE SHEDS.
THEY'VE GOT IT|OUT OF PROPORTION.
I'M FED UP|WITH THE SHEDS.
I WISH I'D NEVER GOT IT|IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I EXPECT YOU'RE PROBABLY|THINKING OF SELLING ONE.
I WILL SELL ONE.
THEN YOU'D BE ARTHUR|"NO SHEDS" JACKSON.
LOOK, FORGET ABOUT THE SHEDS--|THEY DON'T MATTER.
MR.
JACKSON, I THINK,|WITH RESPECT WE OUGHT TO TALK|ABOUT YOUR SYMPHONY.
WHAT? APPARENTLY YOUR|SYMPHONY WAS WRITTEN FOR ORGAN AND TIMPANI.
WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S WHAT? IT'S A SHED--|GET IT OFF.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, THEN,|MR.
JACKSON YOUR SYMPHONY.
I UNDERSTAND|THAT YOU USED THAT YOU USED|TO BE INTERESTED|IN TRAINSPOTTING.
WHAT? I UNDERSTAND THAT ABOUT 30 YEARS AGO YOU WERE EXTREMELY INTERESTED|IN TRAINSPOTTING.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO|WITH MY BLOODY MUSIC?? ARE YOU HAVING ANY TROUBLE FROM HIM? YES, A LITTLE.
WELL, WE INTERVIEWERS|ARE MORE THAN A MATCH FOR THE LIKES|OF YOU, TWO SHEDS.
YES, MAKE YOURSELF|SCARCE, TWO SHEDS.
THIS STUDIO|ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE THREE OF US.
GET YOUR OWN ARTS|PROGRAM, YOU FAIRY.
ARTHUR "TWO SHEDS"|JACKSON.
Interviewer 1:|NEVER MIND, TIMMY.
Interviewer 2:|OH, MICHAEL, YOU'RE|SUCH A COMFORT.
ARTHUR "TWO SHEDS" JACKSON.
AND NOW FOR MORE NEWS OF|THE MOMENTOUS ARTISTIC EVENT WHEN PABLO PICASSO IS DOING A SPECIALLY COMMISSIONED|PAINTING FOR US WHILST RIDING A BICYCLE.
PABLO PICASSO,|THE FOUNDER OF MODERN ART WITHOUT DOUBT THE GREATEST|ABSTRACT PAINTER EVER FOR THE FIRST TIME|PAINTING IN MOTION.
BUT FIRST OF ALL LET'S HAVE A LOOK|AT THE ROUTE HE'LL BE TAKING.
WELL, PICASSO WILL BE STARTING,|DAVID, AT CHICHESTER HERE.
HE'LL THEN CYCLE|ON THE A29 TO FONTWELL.
HE'LL THEN TAKE THE A272, WHICH|WILL BRING HIM ON TO THE A3 JUST NORTH OF HINDHEAD HERE.
FROM THEN ON, PABLO HAS|A STRAIGHT RUN ON THE A3 UNTIL HE MEETS THE SOUTH|CIRCULAR AT BATTERSEA HERE.
WELL, THIS IS A TRULY|REMARKABLE OCCASION.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME THAT A MODERN ARTIST OF SUCH|STATURE HAS TAKEN THE A272.
AND IT'LL BE VERY|INTERESTING TO SEE HOW HE COPES|WITH THE HEAVY TRAFFIC ROUND THE WISBOROUGH|GREEN-- VICKY.
WELL, PICASSO WILL BE RIDING|HIS VIKING SUPER ROADSTER WITH THE DROP HANDLEBARS|AND THE DUAL-THREAD WHEEL RIMS.
AND WITH HIS WILEY-PRAT|20-TO-1 SYNCHRO-MESH HE SHOULD EXPERIENCE|DIFFICULTIES ON THE SORT OF ROAD SURFACES THEY JUST DON'T|GET ABROAD-- MITZIE.
AND NOW FOR THE LATEST REPORT|ON PICASSO'S PROGRESS OVER TO REG MOSS|ON THE GUILDFORD BYPASS.
WELL, THERE'S NO SIGN|OF PICASSO AT THE MOMENT, DAVID BUT HE SHOULD BE|THROUGH HERE AT ANY MOMENT.
HOWEVER, I DO HAVE WITH ME MR.
RON GEPPO,|BRITISH CYCLING SPRINT CHAMPION AND THIS|YEAR'S WINNER OF THE DERBY|DONCASTER RALLY.
WELL, REG, I THINK|PABLO SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT PROVIDED HE DOESN'T|ATTEMPT ANYTHING ON THE MONUMENTAL SCALE OF SOME OF HIS|EARLIER PAINTINGS LIKE GUERNICA OR|MADEMOISELLES D'A VIGNON OR EVEN HIS LATER|WAR AND PEACE MURALS FOR THE TEMPLE OF PEACE|CHAPEL AT VALLAURIS BECAUSE WITH THIS STRONG HEAD|WIND, I DON'T THINK EVEN DOUG TIMPSON|OF MANCHESTER HARRIERS COULD PAINT ANYTHING|ON THAT KIND OF SCALE.
WELL, THANK|YOU, RON.
WELL, THERE STILL|SEEMS TO BE NO|SIGN OF PICASSO SO I'LL HAND YOU|BACK TO THE STUDIO.
WELL, WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT PICASSO IS APPROACHING THE|TOLWORTH ROUNDABOUT ON THE A3.
SO COME IN,|SAM TRENCH AT TOLWORTH.
WELL, SOMETHING CERTAINLY|IS HAPPENING HERE AT TOLWORTH ROUNDABOUT, DAVID.
I CAN NOW SEE PICASSO.
HE'S CYCLING DOWN VERY HARD TOWARDS THE ROUNDABOUT.
HE'S ABOUT 75, 50 YARDS AWAY AND I CAN NOW SEE HIS PAINTING.
IT'S AN ABSTRACT.
I CAN SEE SOME BLUE, SOME PURPLE SOME LITTLE BLACK OVAL SHAPES.
I THINK I CAN SEE THAT'S NOT PICASSO.
THAT'S KANDINSKY.
GOOD LORD,|YOU'RE RIGHT! IT'S KANDINSKY,|WASILY KANDINSKY! AND WHO'S THIS|HERE WITH HIM? IT'S BRAQUE,|GEORGES BRAQUE|OF THE CUBISTS PAINTING A BIRD|IN FLIGHT OVER|A CORNFIELD AND GOING VERY FAST|DOWN THE HILL TOWARDS KINGSTON.
AND PIET MONDRIAN|JUST BEHIND PIET MONDRIAN|THE NEOPLASTICIST THEN A GAP,|THEN THE MAIN BUNCH.
HERE THEY COME: CHAGALL,|MAX ERNST, MIRO, DUFY BEN NICHOLSON,|JACKSON POLLOCK AND BERNARD BUFFET|MAKING A BREAK ON THE OUTSIDE HERE.
BRANCUSI'S|GOING WITH HIM.
SO IS GERICAULT,|FERNAND LEGER, DELAUNAY DE KOONING KOKOSCHKA'S|DROPPING BACK HERE BY A LITTLE BIT AND SO'S PAUL KLEE|DROPPING BACK A BIT AND, RIGHT AT THE BACK|OF THIS GROUP OUR VERY OWN|KURT SCHWITTERS.
SCHWITTERS|IS GERMAN.
AS YET ABSOLUTELY|NO SIGN OF|PABLO PICASSO.
AND SO, FROM|TOLWORTH ROUNDABOUT BACK TO THE STUDIO.
( laughter ) WELL, I THINK I CAN|HELP YOU THERE, SAM.
WE'RE GETTING REPORTS IN|FROM THE A.
A.
THAT PICASSO PICASSO HAS FALLEN OFF! HE'S FALLEN OFF HIS BICYCLE ON|THE B2127 JUST OUTSIDE EWHURST TRYING TO GET A SHORTCUT|THROUGH TO DORKING VIA GOMSLAKE AND PEASHALL.
WELL, PICASSO IS|REPORTED TO BE UNHURT BUT THE PIG HAS|A SLIGHT HEADACHE.
AND ON THAT NOTE, WE|MUST SAY GOOD NIGHT TO YOU.
PICASSO HAS FAILED IN HIS FIRST BID FOR|INTERNATIONAL CYCLING FAME.
SO FROM ALL OF US HERE|AT THE IT'S THEARTS STUDIO IT'S GOOD NIGHT.
|GOOD NIGHT.
( grunts, squeals ) ( military march plays ) Man:|HOLD IT.
Woman:|SIT UP.
SIT UP! SIT UP! ( grunting ) SIT UP.
( man screams ) ( men muttering ) Woman:|OOH! ( men muttering,|woman protesting ) Woman:|SHH THERE'S|SOMEBODY OUT THERE.
Man:|HUH? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Woman:|HELP, HELP ME, I'M|TRAPPED IN THIS BODY.
OH, PLEASE, HELP ME OUT! ( screams ) ( footsteps ) ( clanging ) HELP ME, OH, PLEASE,|HELP ME OUT.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
( footsteps ) ( power tool grinding ) I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! ( muffled talking ) ( audience laughing ) ( footsteps approaching ) HMM JUST|CHECKIN'.
JUST CHECKIN'.
( footsteps retreating ) ( door closes ) ( laughter ) OH, NO YOU DON'T.
( man muttering ) ( calliope musicplaying ) ( laughter ) Both:|OOH! ( laughter ) Woman:|SHH SOMEBODY OUT THERE.
( gunshot, grunt ) ( giggling ) ( rapid footsteps approaching ) ( pig grunts, man groans ) DOBSON'S BOUGHT|IT, SIR.
PORKER, EH? SWINE.
Narrator:|THIS MAN IS ERNEST SCRIBBLER,|WRITER OF JOKES.
IN A FEW MOMENTS HE WILL HAVE WRITTEN THE|FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD AND, AS A CONSEQUENCE,|HE WILL DIE LAUGHING.
( giggles ) ( chortles ) ( laughing ) ( audience laughing ) Narrator:|IT WAS OBVIOUS|THAT THIS JOKE WAS LETHAL.
NO ONE COULD READ IT AND LIVE.
( gasping ) ( tittering ) ( shrieking with laughter ) THIS MORNING,|SHORTLY AFTER 11:00 COMEDY STRUCK THIS LITTLE|HOUSE IN DIBLEY ROAD.
SUDDEN, VIOLENT COMEDY.
POLICE HAVE SEALED OFF THE AREA AND SCOTLAND YARD'S CRACK|INSPECTOR IS WITH ME NOW.
I SHALL ENTER|THE HOUSE AND ATTEMPT TO|REMOVE THE JOKE.
( screaming laughter ) ( grunt ) I SHALL BE AIDED BY THE SOUND|OF SOMBER MUSIC PLAYED ON|GRAMOPHONE RECORDS AND ALSO BY THE|CHANTING OF LAMENTS BY THE MEN OF|"Q" DIVISION.
THE ATMOSPHERE THUS CREATED|SHOULD PROTECT ME IN THE EVENTUALITY|OF ME READING THE JOKE.
( moaning ) ( somber orchestral|musicplays ) WELL, THERE GOES A BRAVE MAN.
WHETHER HE COMES|OUT ALIVE OR NOT THIS WILL SURELY BE REMEMBERED AS ONE OF THE MOST COURAGEOUS|AND GALLANT ACTS IN POLICE HISTORY.
( cackling ) ( cackling, moaning stop ) Narrator:|IT WAS NOT LONG BEFORE THE ARMY|BECAME INTERESTED IN THE MILITARY POTENTIAL|OF THE KILLER JOKE.
UNDER TOP SECURITY,|THE JOKE WAS HURRIED TO A MEETING|OF ALLIED COMMANDERS AT THE MINISTRY OF WAR.
( men cackling, whooping ) ( sequential thuds ) ( whoops, thuds cease ) Narrator:|TOP BRASS WERE IMPRESSED.
TESTS ON SALISBURY PLAIN|CONFIRMED THE JOKE'S DEVASTATING|EFFECTIVENESS AT A RANGE OF UP TO 50 YARDS.
( snickers ) ( audience laughing ) ( in unison ):|FANTASTIC.
ALL THROUGH THE WINTER OF '43 WE HAD TRANSLATORS WORKING|IN JOKE-PROOF CONDITIONS TO TRY AND PRODUCE A GERMAN|VERSION OF THE JOKE.
THEY WORKED ON ONE WORD EACH|FOR GREATER SAFETY.
ONE OF THEM SAW|TWO WORDS OF THE JOKE AND SPENT SEVERAL|WEEKS IN HOSPITAL.
BUT APART FROM THAT,|THINGS WENT PRETTY QUICKLY AND WE SOON HAD|THE JOKE BY JANUARY IN A FORM WHICH OUR TROOPS|COULDN'T UNDERSTAND BUT WHICH THE GERMANS COULD.
( explosions ) ( gunfire ) Narrator:|SO ON JULY 8, 1944 THE JOKE WAS FIRST TOLD|TO THE ENEMY IN THE ARDENNES.
( gunfire ) SQUAD, GET|READY JOKE! SQUAD, TELL|THE JOKE! ALL:|WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK|GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND DAS ODER|DIE FLIPPERWALDT GESPUHRT! ( weapons fall silent ) ( men muttering in German ) ( roaring laughter ) Narrator:|IT WAS A FANTASTIC SUCCESS OVER 60,000 TIMES AS POWERFUL|AS BRITAIN'S GREAT PREWAR JOKE AND ONE WHICH HITLER|JUST COULDN'T MATCH.
INSBESONDERE KEINER MEHR DER|IN DEUTSCHLAND LEBEN WIRD WIR SIND DES REICHES|JUNGE MANNSCHAFT! EURE SCHULE.
Narrator:|IN ACTION, IT WAS DEADLY.
( gunfire ) WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK|GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND ( laughs ) ( audience laughs ) SoLdiers:|WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK|GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND NUNSTUCK GEHT|UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND DAS ODER|DIE FLIPPERWALDT GESPUHRT! ( men laughing ) Narrator:|GERMAN CASUALTIES|WERE APPALLING.
( laughing ) Man ( in German accent ):|WHAT IS THE BIG JOKE? I CAN ONLY GIVE|YOU A NAME, RANK AND "WHY DID THE CHICKEN|CROSS THE ROAD?" THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
( moans ) I WANT TO KNOW THE JOKE! ALL RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU MAKE|A NAZI CROSS? I DON'T KNOW.
HOW DO YOU MAKE|A NAZI CROSS? TREAD ON HIS CORNS.
GOTT IM HIMMEL! THAT'S NOT FUNNY! NOW, IF YOU DON'T|TELL ME THE JOKE I SHALL HIT|YOU PROPERLY.
I CAN STAND PHYSICAL|PAIN, YOU KNOW.
ACH, YOU'RE NO FUN! ALL RIGHT, OTTO! OH, NO-- NO, ANYTHING|BUT THAT, PLEASE.
TICKLE HIM.
( laughing ) ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU.
QUICK-- OTTO,|THE TYPEWRITER! WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK|GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND DAS ODER|DIE FLIPPERWALDT GESPUHRT! ( cackles ) ( cackling ceases, thud ) THAT'S NOT FUNNY! ( audience laughing ) DIE FLIPPERWALDT|GESPUHRT! ( imitates Woody|Woodpecker laugh ) ( audience laughs ) WAS IST,|WAS GIBT'S? WENN IST DAS NUNSTUCK GEHT UND SLOTERMEYER? JA! BA YERHUND DAS ODER|DIE FLIPPERWALDT GESPUHRT! HMM? ( snickers ) Narrator:|IN PEENEMUNDE|IN THE AUTUMN OF '44 THE GERMANS WERE WORKING|ON A JOKE OF THEIR OWN.
( clears throat ) DIE IST EIN KINDERHUNDER UND ZWEI MACKELUBER UND BITTE SCHON IST|DEN WUNDERHAUS SPRECHEN SIE.
"NEIN, "ZWECKT DER HERREN.
"ISTAUF'N BORGER|MITZWEITINGEN.
" WE'LL LET|YOU KNOW.
Narrator:|BUT BY DECEMBER,|THEIR JOKE WAS READY.
AND HITLER GAVE THE ORDER Man ( over radio ):|There were zwei peanuts|waLking down the strasse and one was assaulted peanut.
( chortles ) ( "DeutschLand Uber ALLes"|playing ) IN 1945, PEACE BROKE OUT.
IT WAS THE END OF THE JOKE.
JOKE WARFARE WAS BANNED AT A SPECIAL SESSION OF THE|GENEVA CONVENTION, AND IN 1950 THE LAST REMAINING COPY|OF THE JOKE WAS LAID TO REST HERE IN THE BERKSHIRE|COUNTRYSIDE NEVER TO BE TOLD AGAIN.
( "Rule Britannia"playing ) ( whistle blows ) ( snorts ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS Captioned by|The Caption Center|WGBH EducationaL Foundation.]
( panting ) ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) Man:|AND HERE IS THE FINAL SCORE:|PIGS 9, BRITISH BIPEDS 4.
THE PIGS GO ON TO MEET|VICKI CARR IN THE FINAL.
( laughter and applause )