Morgana Robinson's the Agency (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode One
1 This programme contains some strong language This is Mann Management, one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.
Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars, Vincent Mann.
What does it take to be a great agent? Compassion with a firm hand.
Compassion optional.
In an unprecedented move, he has given our documentary crew unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients.
One of Vincent's much-loved stars is EastEnders actress, Natalie Cassidy, who lives with her dad and sister, Kat.
For Natalie, today is a very special day.
Dad, have you got the number for Millennium Cabs? My phone's charging.
Yeah, but I put the card in your leather jacket just in case you needed it, remember? Dad.
What? Today is double exciting, because I'm only going to the NTAs tonight.
That's the National Television Awards, to you and me.
It's my one selfish day of the year.
I've got it all worked out.
Kat's going to have dad tonight, and I'll have him in the day.
I thought I would take him to help me choose an outfit.
Well, he knows what suits me and what don't, don't he? Dad! What are you shouting for? You'd be too hot in that up the Harlequin Centre.
Why don't you put your leather jacket on? I don't wear me leather jacket up the Harlequin.
I wear me leather jacket up the pictures.
The pictures is up the Harlequin, you dozy mare.
It's the biggest event of the calendar year at our house, after Christmas, especially when Enders is up for an award for Best Continuing Drama.
It's a two-horse race again this year, against you know who! But, joking aside, may the best soap win.
Actually, could I do that again? Thanks.
But, joking aside, may the best continuing drama win.
With an open door to Vincent's clients Lads! .
.
we were able to ask the stars some more pertinent questions about their celebrity.
Oh, fuck it.
What would I say to my 16-year-old self? I'd say, "Don't worry about how you look.
"It's about what's inside that counts, and what's inside of you "is a voice box that will literally print more money "than you know exists, girl.
" We'd just tell them to keep on keeping on.
And on and on.
And on and on and on.
And on and on and on and on and on.
Until someone gives you a show about cake.
Bingo.
I'd say, "Put that WKD down, stop playing with your Hampton, "and listen to your old mum, cos basically, "you ain't got a Scooby, you little nugget," and then I'd give him a whack around the ear hole.
What would I say to my 16-year-old self? I'd say, "What the bloody hell are you doing here?" I'd probably say, "You look fricking amazing, Fernatron, mate.
" "Where did you get that top? Don't tell me, it's vintage, isn't it? "Doc Martens and Sooty are so then.
"Great work, younger me.
High-five!" If I met my 16-year-old self today, I wouldn't say anything to her.
I'd just give her a list of husbands to avoid.
I'd say, "Natalie, you may be sold into acting in EastEnders now, "but in years to come, things could be very different.
"Or they could just be exactly the same.
" Following the unprecedented success of her sitcom, Miranda, Miranda Hart is keen to cast aside her slapstick persona.
Well, hello there.
What a veritable thrill it is to see you again, my what I call Oh, my God! Hello, Miranda.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I do not do that any more, so, erm 'I'm not Miranda.
' Miranda is just a character I played in that show whose name shall not be mentioned, and now I've moved on from playing Miranda in that show, I can unveil the real Miranda.
The grown-up, serious Miranda.
So, what have you got for me? Is it a film? Is it the new James Bond? Am I going to be a Bond girl? Oh, Brillo pads.
I'll say things like, "007, is that your penis?" And then we'll do it in a helicopter, but then I'll betray him and he'll shoot me in the boobs, is that it? No, it's not a film.
OK, not a film.
Have Game Of Thrones not got back? No, it's still not Game Of Thrones, but it is television.
Great, just as long as it is not any more of you know what.
Miranda.
Yes, Vincent? No, that's what it is.
A new series of Miranda.
Look, Vincent, if you can't move me on to the next stage of my career, then maybe I will find someone who can.
I have got other offers for you.
Name one.
West End.
Sorry? I've had an offer in for a very highbrow play in the West End.
Really? Is it very serious? Yes, very.
Oh, such fun! I'll take it! I'll go home right away, put on my black polo neck, and practise my no laughing face.
Oh, what a wheeze! CRASH Oh! Absolutely fine, because I don't do that any more, so For the 21st consecutive year, EastEnders are nominated for a prestigious National Television Award.
Natalie Cassidy is shopping for a dress.
What do you think, Dad? Is this too Hollywood? It don't suit you, Nat.
I don't like it.
Take it off.
I told you he was good.
He knows exactly what suits me and what don't, don't he? What are you wearing trainers for? I'm not going to wear trainers tonight, am I? I'm just keeping me feet warm, because the floor's cold.
'I can't lie.
I secretly hope Enders does pick up an award tonight.
' For an actor, there is nothing quite like the unique feeling of standing on that stage, with 30 or 40 other actors, all the producers and the editors, while someone picks up an award and does a speech.
I think even Kieran from the catering van got up last year.
Well, it's a team effort, ain't it, the Square? I quite like this one, Dad, what do you reckon? It don't suit you, Nat.
I don't like it.
Take it off.
You're not even looking, Dad! I'm charging me phone! I can't choose one if you don't look up, can I? It don't suit you, Nat.
I don't like it.
Take it off.
All right.
I'll try the canary yellow one on.
Nat.
What? Me phone's at 100%.
When are we having chips? 'I love a bit of glamour, me.
What girl doesn't?' Vincent, my agent, says it's important to set the right tone.
You know, for the red carpet photographers.
What is it he says? Boobs on display, minty tucked away.
You can't put a price on that sort of advice.
Although he does - 20% of all my earnings.
I'm a great believer in keeping things simple, which is why I love Gregg Wallace.
He knows what he likes, and he knows what he doesn't like.
That is it.
And the great British public lap it up.
So now, we're launching a new range of sauces.
Move over, Paul Newman, we're going to show you the real colour of money.
You've got two minutes.
I'm running out of time, and tasting sauces does not get tougher than this.
Mr Wallace, it's an honour to meet you.
Can I just say? No.
I've got a thousand other things I need to like and not like today.
I can't afford to be over time.
I can afford to be just in the nick of time.
Come on.
OK.
Well, this first sauce is a blend of lime, ginger I like it.
Sauce number two is I like it.
Number three is I don't like it.
Number four here, you've got the sweet and sour I like it.
In some ways, Gregg is the perfect celebrity.
I like it.
I don't like it.
Obviously, in lots of other ways, he's just a bloke who likes and doesn't like things.
I like it.
That is a taste explosion.
Wow.
I don't know how you could tell after all those.
Do what? I don't know how you could taste anything after trying all those sauces.
I think you understand lab coats and clipboards.
I don't think you understand that liking and not liking things is what I do.
Come on! It's time to start plating up.
I am lucky in that I'm basically famous for being happy.
So I've got the lot.
Life doesn't get easier than this.
After calling in a few expensive favours, Vincent has managed to come good on his promise to Miranda by finding her a serious part in a West End play.
I think the thing to keep in mind is that the play is essentially Pinter-esque.
It's raw, stripped back.
Don't be afraid to really play the silence.
It's all there on the page.
Is that OK, Jeremy? Yeah, yeah.
That totally makes sense.
And how about you, Miranda? Yes, of course, definato.
Raw, stripped back.
On the page.
Oh, what japes! OK.
Let's go from the top of page four.
You mean you told him the truth? I had to.
You mean you told him the truth, about us? I had to.
Awkward! OK.
Hold it there for a second.
I agree, yeah.
Miranda, that word hasn't been added to your script, has it? Which word? "Awkward".
No, but it is a bit, though, isn't it? Yes.
It's Pinter-esque.
Oh, oh, I see.
Clever.
He's clever, isn't he? OK, right, yeah, got it.
OK.
Let's go again.
Same cue.
You mean you told him the truth? I had to.
You mean, you told him the truth, about us? I had to.
Mm Awkward! Oh, oops, sorry.
I didn't mean to, I just Oh, awkward! Ignore me.
Awkward.
Oh! Come on, that's funny.
Tell your face.
No? What about this? No? Let's take a break.
I concur.
# Get down! Paid the cost to be the boss When soap actor, Danny Dyer, isn't on set, he likes nothing more than spending some quality time alone.
# Look at me, you know what you see You see a bad mutha.
A geezer needs his own space, especially me.
Sometimes I need to get away from the old bag for life and the kids, so I cleared some of the woods out of me garden.
Built this.
That is a fucking man shed.
Danny's man shed is where he does his thinking.
His latest idea is a diversification into the literary world.
People know me as a hard man, but I'm also a businessman.
Now, I've noticed that a lot of celebrities have been banging out the old captain cooks for the nippers, making proper bunce out of it and all, so I'm doing some research.
Stroll on! The geezer was a butterfly all along? Straight up, he's been shovelling food down his Gregory Peck all the way through, but I thought he was just a Hank Marvin caterpillar.
Last page, big twist.
He goes and does that! That has done my loaf right in, that has.
Did not see that coming.
You know this is a kids' area, right? What you saying, geez? You think I can't read? I'm all over it, bruv.
I'm writing a book for all you mob, ain't I? I'm hoping to have a little Dickie Bird with a couple of What's rhyming slang for publishers? Do you know? They say write about what you know, but I'm an old shit-kicker from Canning Town who's no stranger to booze, a bit of devil's dandruff, and a tear up, but we're talking kids' books, so I'm going to have to make it about a little bear called Danny who likes a drink, a sniff, and a row, but who lives in a shoe or something.
How many fingers do bears have? Two Ns in Danny, you know that! This is absolute torture, this.
No wonder so many writers top themselves.
Vinnie.
Speak.
Vincent, it's me.
Just wondering if Game Of Thrones have got back yet? Not yet, Miranda.
Honestly, you'll be the first to know.
How's it going there? Well, not very well, actually.
You see, I don't think the other actor's up to the part.
He seems to be leaving, as is the director.
Nice to see you, to see you nice, chaps.
That's what I call my Brucie voice.
Well, look, don't worry about it, you've still got your dignity.
Walk out of there with your head held high.
Yeah, you're right.
Thank you, Vincent.
CRASH Oh, awkward.
With her outfit selected for the NTAs, Natalie Cassidy is ready, and hoping to make both dad and sister Kat proud.
Thanks, Dad.
I think we made the right decision, don't you? Not enough vinegar on these.
So I decided to go for the canary yellow cocktail dress.
Well, I'll need to stand out with that many people on stage, won't I? So Dad and Kat can see me at home.
Here, what do you think about my dress? Blinding, ain't it? I don't care, Natalie.
Can't you see I'm heartbroken? Oh, you're not, are you? Who is it this time? Jason Karaoke.
I thought you dumped Jason Karaoke.
I did, Nat, but now he's been spotted in the George, singing Opposites Attract with that pet shop Carly.
But they ain't got nothing in common.
That is what the whole song is about, Natalie.
Oh, dear.
Well, there's a portion of chips on a low oven in there.
I can't eat, Natalie.
God, you're insensitive, ain't you? I'm going to me bedroom to do me crying.
Oh, babe.
Well, I'll be in in a bit, because Yeah.
Yeah, I know, it's the NTAs tonight.
How could we forget? Is it the NTAs tonight? I must admit, I will feel bad going up the red carpet if Kat don't stop crying before the taxi gets here.
I would take her with me, but you only get the one ticket.
Kat, it's Nat.
What do you want? I've left dad's casserole out on the side.
Whatever.
OK, well, I'm just going to go and tong me hair, then I'll be off.
I won't be late.
Be as late as you like, Nat.
That tart from the pet shop has made a mockery out of me.
I can't show my face up karaoke ever again.
Oh, don't say that, Kat.
It's all right for you.
You've got Lesbian Sonia, and the NTAs.
Oh, Kat.
If you really feel that bad, I mean I am double looking forward to it, and I never go out, do I? But .
.
you could go instead of me, if you really want.
All right, then, thanks, Nat, if you're sure.
I'm not sitting next to Perry Fenwick, am I? 'I can't say I wasn't a little bit surprised that Kat took me ticket,' but then I did offer, didn't I? Like a silly moo.
Well, I suppose that's what sisters are for, ain't it? I'm sure she'll do the same for me, one day.
Having been firmly off the radar writing his children's book, Danny Dyer has made a surprise visit to the Mann Management offices.
What's going on, Dan? I've had EastEnders on the phone.
You're turning up late, not learning your lines.
Have you had a little visit from your inner demons again? No, Vin, this is why, my greatest achievement.
It's me magnum opus.
Your what? It's a kids' book.
I ain't finished it yet, I need an ending, but I'm so close.
How long have you been working on this? You stink.
When was the last time you had a bath? It's been weeks.
The main character, Danny the bear, I want to play the geezer when they make a movie out of it.
Why is it all damp? Tears, Vin.
I put me heart and soul into it.
I need you to get me a gig on the old CBeebies bedtime.
Proper get this out there.
Crack on.
Well, I'll make the call, but they're all having a go at the children's books at the moment.
Help me get my story out there, Vin.
I need to read this to the old dustbin lids on the box.
Proper bang their heads.
Get a bit of bunce in the house, and all.
All right, go and have a bath, and get down EastEnders.
I'll see what I can do.
Cheers, Vin.
Oh, any voice-over work about? Oh, can you say, "Wickes - it's got our name on it"? Wickes - it's got your name on it.
Er Winks - it's got no name on it.
Your name's got on it.
Ah, no, I can't, can I, Vin? Na.
Cheers anyway, mate.
I'll see you later.
The stupidest of the stupid questions we're asked is, do you Mel and Sue BOTH: actually live together? And the answer to that is a resounding yes, my love.
There's us, Mel and Sue.
My cat, Arthur C Clarke.
Our two goldfish, Mel and Sue.
No relation, ROFL.
Our precious wormery.
Wentworth.
It's a can of worms.
Oh, was that a bit of worm play there, mate? Oh, and Tim, my husband.
Hello.
I'm Tim.
I'm Mel's husband, and I live with Mel.
And Sue.
It's good this, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah.
Have we got something lined up for after this? I keep hearing really good things about Transparent.
Is that on Netflix? Right, who wants a game of Connect Four? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, me! Turn around, touch the ground, bagsy not blue.
Oh, you blew me.
Oo-er! The counters are red and yellow.
Yeah, but, "You yellowed me," doesn't work, does it, Tim? Actually, Sue, we were going to watch Transparent.
Yeah, we were.
Yeah, but then I mentioned Connect Four.
Oh, yeah, she did.
But before that, we talked about I know how we can sort this out.
Why don't we take a vote? It's only fair.
All of those who want to play a nail-biting game of the '80s classic, raise your hands.
All of those in favour of Timberlina's boring box-set bonanza.
The retro-tastic vertical strategy game for ages six and up, it is.
Clickety clack.
Who's dropping first? Oo-er, boom, tsh! Would you believe me if I told you it's always like this? Boomshakalak.
Mr Boombastic.
Boom.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Boom! Fancy a go, Tim? Come on, Tim.
Come on, Tim! Henmaniac, classic! Come on, play me, Tim.
Hey, Tim.
Tim.
Hey, Tim.
Tim.
Timmo.
Tim-Tam.
Tim-Tam.
Tim-Tam.
Tim-Tam.
Bam-alang-bam-alang-a-ding-dong.
Yeah, I might just go to bed.
A cup of Mr T, if you're getting up.
I pity the fool who doesn't bring me a Hobnob.
Ooh, yeah.
That's three in a row, there, mate, be careful.
Keep your eyes peeled.
SUE WHISTLES Bear with! Having gained the trust of Vincent's clients, we were able to garner a candid insight into what it's really like to be famous.
Stop it.
I'm having a moment.
What's the best thing about fame? I don't have to bunk it on the bus no more.
The best thing about fame, erm Probably the straight up banter you have with the greatest musicians in the world.
Hashtag Snow Patrol, hashtag they're my mates, they are.
I don't even get on the bus no more, which is sad, really.
I was on always on the 349 from Edmonton, back seat, Chicken Cottage, sneaky Benson out of the window.
Can't do that now.
Too mega-famous.
The great thing about fame is all the lovely people who stop you in the street for a chat.
I say stop for a chat - most just drive by and shout, "Oi, Sonia, where's your trumpet?" I don't know where it is.
It's just a prop.
I suppose I could buy me own bus and fill it with extras, and drive it through Edmonton.
Actually, that is the best thing about fame - being able to buy a bus and fill it with a load of people, if that's what you fancy doing.
The best thing about fame is when a hunky chap-a-rino throws himself at your feet and says, "Do with me what you will Mirandy-pants, "I'm yours for the sexing.
" That happens to me all the time.
The best thing about fame is the happiness it brings to me life.
Well, it happened to me once.
OK, so he tripped over, and he didn't actually speak to me, but he did land on my feet, Although it was hard for him not to - they are size 13.
All right, kids? I'm Danny Dyer.
I've met some of the hardest geezers in the world, and I've lived to tell the tale.
Now I want to tell you mob a tale.
So sit down, shut your cake holes, open your lug holes, bosh.
Right.
Once upon a time, there was a little bear called Danny.
Now, Danny had a mate who was a little mug called John.
"You got that monkey you owe me, John?" "Yeah.
I've got it right here.
It's in my sky rocket.
" Who done these pictures? Proper bold as brass like that, and brave Danny stared right into his boat, right into his mince pies.
Right, hang on, right - what soppy bollocks has done these pictures? Are you having a bubble? It's undermining the drama! Anyway, Danny's gone, "Hello, you getting lairy because you're on the old Bob Marley, "the Gianluca Vialli, sniffing the old Salvador Dali?" Hey, leave it out, these geezers ain't in the story.
I'm talking about Charlie, nosebag, a bit of ching.
You're ruining this for the kids.
Ah, this is bollocks.
Right, blah-blah-blah, and then Danny jumped up and he turned into a beautiful butterfly, and did one.
Oh, you get that one right! I'm out of here.
Good night, kids.
Be lucky.
Where's me bees and honey? That's money, by the way.
The National Television Award for entertainment presenter goes to Ant and Dec, everybody! Oh, you're double kidding! Ant and Dec's won, Dad.
They always win it.
I don't know why I put myself through it.
You ought to be there, Nat.
Here, why don't you go along? No, it's too late, Dad.
When's Best Continuing Drama? It's at the end.
It's a big one.
Well, that's not for another two and a half hours.
Give Millennium Cabs a call.
You'll be there in an hour.
I gave Kat me ticket, Dad.
Your face is your ticket, girl.
You're Natalie Cassidy, from EastEnders and The Health Lottery.
But what about your casserole? I can't leave you to do your own dinner.
Just stick it in a pan for me.
I'll be all right once, won't I? Thanks, Dad.
I better go and get me slutty shoes on.
The thing is, it's not really about awards, is it? It's about being part of a family and that's what Enders is, a big family.
Hiya, Mary.
NTAs! Thank you.
And, you see, family sticks together, don't it? Excuse me, mate.
Could we turn round, please? I need to go home.
'That's why I knew the rest of the team would understand.
' Do you think you'd get that with the Coronation Street lot? You're dreaming, mate.
Dad! DAD COUGHS Oh, no! Anyway, there's always next year, ain't there? All going well.
Oddly, the other one's come undone.
Has it? Ow! I can't believe it.
This is astonishing.
Come on, man.
What's wrong with you? These shoes undo very easily.
I've got wide feet,
Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars, Vincent Mann.
What does it take to be a great agent? Compassion with a firm hand.
Compassion optional.
In an unprecedented move, he has given our documentary crew unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients.
One of Vincent's much-loved stars is EastEnders actress, Natalie Cassidy, who lives with her dad and sister, Kat.
For Natalie, today is a very special day.
Dad, have you got the number for Millennium Cabs? My phone's charging.
Yeah, but I put the card in your leather jacket just in case you needed it, remember? Dad.
What? Today is double exciting, because I'm only going to the NTAs tonight.
That's the National Television Awards, to you and me.
It's my one selfish day of the year.
I've got it all worked out.
Kat's going to have dad tonight, and I'll have him in the day.
I thought I would take him to help me choose an outfit.
Well, he knows what suits me and what don't, don't he? Dad! What are you shouting for? You'd be too hot in that up the Harlequin Centre.
Why don't you put your leather jacket on? I don't wear me leather jacket up the Harlequin.
I wear me leather jacket up the pictures.
The pictures is up the Harlequin, you dozy mare.
It's the biggest event of the calendar year at our house, after Christmas, especially when Enders is up for an award for Best Continuing Drama.
It's a two-horse race again this year, against you know who! But, joking aside, may the best soap win.
Actually, could I do that again? Thanks.
But, joking aside, may the best continuing drama win.
With an open door to Vincent's clients Lads! .
.
we were able to ask the stars some more pertinent questions about their celebrity.
Oh, fuck it.
What would I say to my 16-year-old self? I'd say, "Don't worry about how you look.
"It's about what's inside that counts, and what's inside of you "is a voice box that will literally print more money "than you know exists, girl.
" We'd just tell them to keep on keeping on.
And on and on.
And on and on and on.
And on and on and on and on and on.
Until someone gives you a show about cake.
Bingo.
I'd say, "Put that WKD down, stop playing with your Hampton, "and listen to your old mum, cos basically, "you ain't got a Scooby, you little nugget," and then I'd give him a whack around the ear hole.
What would I say to my 16-year-old self? I'd say, "What the bloody hell are you doing here?" I'd probably say, "You look fricking amazing, Fernatron, mate.
" "Where did you get that top? Don't tell me, it's vintage, isn't it? "Doc Martens and Sooty are so then.
"Great work, younger me.
High-five!" If I met my 16-year-old self today, I wouldn't say anything to her.
I'd just give her a list of husbands to avoid.
I'd say, "Natalie, you may be sold into acting in EastEnders now, "but in years to come, things could be very different.
"Or they could just be exactly the same.
" Following the unprecedented success of her sitcom, Miranda, Miranda Hart is keen to cast aside her slapstick persona.
Well, hello there.
What a veritable thrill it is to see you again, my what I call Oh, my God! Hello, Miranda.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I do not do that any more, so, erm 'I'm not Miranda.
' Miranda is just a character I played in that show whose name shall not be mentioned, and now I've moved on from playing Miranda in that show, I can unveil the real Miranda.
The grown-up, serious Miranda.
So, what have you got for me? Is it a film? Is it the new James Bond? Am I going to be a Bond girl? Oh, Brillo pads.
I'll say things like, "007, is that your penis?" And then we'll do it in a helicopter, but then I'll betray him and he'll shoot me in the boobs, is that it? No, it's not a film.
OK, not a film.
Have Game Of Thrones not got back? No, it's still not Game Of Thrones, but it is television.
Great, just as long as it is not any more of you know what.
Miranda.
Yes, Vincent? No, that's what it is.
A new series of Miranda.
Look, Vincent, if you can't move me on to the next stage of my career, then maybe I will find someone who can.
I have got other offers for you.
Name one.
West End.
Sorry? I've had an offer in for a very highbrow play in the West End.
Really? Is it very serious? Yes, very.
Oh, such fun! I'll take it! I'll go home right away, put on my black polo neck, and practise my no laughing face.
Oh, what a wheeze! CRASH Oh! Absolutely fine, because I don't do that any more, so For the 21st consecutive year, EastEnders are nominated for a prestigious National Television Award.
Natalie Cassidy is shopping for a dress.
What do you think, Dad? Is this too Hollywood? It don't suit you, Nat.
I don't like it.
Take it off.
I told you he was good.
He knows exactly what suits me and what don't, don't he? What are you wearing trainers for? I'm not going to wear trainers tonight, am I? I'm just keeping me feet warm, because the floor's cold.
'I can't lie.
I secretly hope Enders does pick up an award tonight.
' For an actor, there is nothing quite like the unique feeling of standing on that stage, with 30 or 40 other actors, all the producers and the editors, while someone picks up an award and does a speech.
I think even Kieran from the catering van got up last year.
Well, it's a team effort, ain't it, the Square? I quite like this one, Dad, what do you reckon? It don't suit you, Nat.
I don't like it.
Take it off.
You're not even looking, Dad! I'm charging me phone! I can't choose one if you don't look up, can I? It don't suit you, Nat.
I don't like it.
Take it off.
All right.
I'll try the canary yellow one on.
Nat.
What? Me phone's at 100%.
When are we having chips? 'I love a bit of glamour, me.
What girl doesn't?' Vincent, my agent, says it's important to set the right tone.
You know, for the red carpet photographers.
What is it he says? Boobs on display, minty tucked away.
You can't put a price on that sort of advice.
Although he does - 20% of all my earnings.
I'm a great believer in keeping things simple, which is why I love Gregg Wallace.
He knows what he likes, and he knows what he doesn't like.
That is it.
And the great British public lap it up.
So now, we're launching a new range of sauces.
Move over, Paul Newman, we're going to show you the real colour of money.
You've got two minutes.
I'm running out of time, and tasting sauces does not get tougher than this.
Mr Wallace, it's an honour to meet you.
Can I just say? No.
I've got a thousand other things I need to like and not like today.
I can't afford to be over time.
I can afford to be just in the nick of time.
Come on.
OK.
Well, this first sauce is a blend of lime, ginger I like it.
Sauce number two is I like it.
Number three is I don't like it.
Number four here, you've got the sweet and sour I like it.
In some ways, Gregg is the perfect celebrity.
I like it.
I don't like it.
Obviously, in lots of other ways, he's just a bloke who likes and doesn't like things.
I like it.
That is a taste explosion.
Wow.
I don't know how you could tell after all those.
Do what? I don't know how you could taste anything after trying all those sauces.
I think you understand lab coats and clipboards.
I don't think you understand that liking and not liking things is what I do.
Come on! It's time to start plating up.
I am lucky in that I'm basically famous for being happy.
So I've got the lot.
Life doesn't get easier than this.
After calling in a few expensive favours, Vincent has managed to come good on his promise to Miranda by finding her a serious part in a West End play.
I think the thing to keep in mind is that the play is essentially Pinter-esque.
It's raw, stripped back.
Don't be afraid to really play the silence.
It's all there on the page.
Is that OK, Jeremy? Yeah, yeah.
That totally makes sense.
And how about you, Miranda? Yes, of course, definato.
Raw, stripped back.
On the page.
Oh, what japes! OK.
Let's go from the top of page four.
You mean you told him the truth? I had to.
You mean you told him the truth, about us? I had to.
Awkward! OK.
Hold it there for a second.
I agree, yeah.
Miranda, that word hasn't been added to your script, has it? Which word? "Awkward".
No, but it is a bit, though, isn't it? Yes.
It's Pinter-esque.
Oh, oh, I see.
Clever.
He's clever, isn't he? OK, right, yeah, got it.
OK.
Let's go again.
Same cue.
You mean you told him the truth? I had to.
You mean, you told him the truth, about us? I had to.
Mm Awkward! Oh, oops, sorry.
I didn't mean to, I just Oh, awkward! Ignore me.
Awkward.
Oh! Come on, that's funny.
Tell your face.
No? What about this? No? Let's take a break.
I concur.
# Get down! Paid the cost to be the boss When soap actor, Danny Dyer, isn't on set, he likes nothing more than spending some quality time alone.
# Look at me, you know what you see You see a bad mutha.
A geezer needs his own space, especially me.
Sometimes I need to get away from the old bag for life and the kids, so I cleared some of the woods out of me garden.
Built this.
That is a fucking man shed.
Danny's man shed is where he does his thinking.
His latest idea is a diversification into the literary world.
People know me as a hard man, but I'm also a businessman.
Now, I've noticed that a lot of celebrities have been banging out the old captain cooks for the nippers, making proper bunce out of it and all, so I'm doing some research.
Stroll on! The geezer was a butterfly all along? Straight up, he's been shovelling food down his Gregory Peck all the way through, but I thought he was just a Hank Marvin caterpillar.
Last page, big twist.
He goes and does that! That has done my loaf right in, that has.
Did not see that coming.
You know this is a kids' area, right? What you saying, geez? You think I can't read? I'm all over it, bruv.
I'm writing a book for all you mob, ain't I? I'm hoping to have a little Dickie Bird with a couple of What's rhyming slang for publishers? Do you know? They say write about what you know, but I'm an old shit-kicker from Canning Town who's no stranger to booze, a bit of devil's dandruff, and a tear up, but we're talking kids' books, so I'm going to have to make it about a little bear called Danny who likes a drink, a sniff, and a row, but who lives in a shoe or something.
How many fingers do bears have? Two Ns in Danny, you know that! This is absolute torture, this.
No wonder so many writers top themselves.
Vinnie.
Speak.
Vincent, it's me.
Just wondering if Game Of Thrones have got back yet? Not yet, Miranda.
Honestly, you'll be the first to know.
How's it going there? Well, not very well, actually.
You see, I don't think the other actor's up to the part.
He seems to be leaving, as is the director.
Nice to see you, to see you nice, chaps.
That's what I call my Brucie voice.
Well, look, don't worry about it, you've still got your dignity.
Walk out of there with your head held high.
Yeah, you're right.
Thank you, Vincent.
CRASH Oh, awkward.
With her outfit selected for the NTAs, Natalie Cassidy is ready, and hoping to make both dad and sister Kat proud.
Thanks, Dad.
I think we made the right decision, don't you? Not enough vinegar on these.
So I decided to go for the canary yellow cocktail dress.
Well, I'll need to stand out with that many people on stage, won't I? So Dad and Kat can see me at home.
Here, what do you think about my dress? Blinding, ain't it? I don't care, Natalie.
Can't you see I'm heartbroken? Oh, you're not, are you? Who is it this time? Jason Karaoke.
I thought you dumped Jason Karaoke.
I did, Nat, but now he's been spotted in the George, singing Opposites Attract with that pet shop Carly.
But they ain't got nothing in common.
That is what the whole song is about, Natalie.
Oh, dear.
Well, there's a portion of chips on a low oven in there.
I can't eat, Natalie.
God, you're insensitive, ain't you? I'm going to me bedroom to do me crying.
Oh, babe.
Well, I'll be in in a bit, because Yeah.
Yeah, I know, it's the NTAs tonight.
How could we forget? Is it the NTAs tonight? I must admit, I will feel bad going up the red carpet if Kat don't stop crying before the taxi gets here.
I would take her with me, but you only get the one ticket.
Kat, it's Nat.
What do you want? I've left dad's casserole out on the side.
Whatever.
OK, well, I'm just going to go and tong me hair, then I'll be off.
I won't be late.
Be as late as you like, Nat.
That tart from the pet shop has made a mockery out of me.
I can't show my face up karaoke ever again.
Oh, don't say that, Kat.
It's all right for you.
You've got Lesbian Sonia, and the NTAs.
Oh, Kat.
If you really feel that bad, I mean I am double looking forward to it, and I never go out, do I? But .
.
you could go instead of me, if you really want.
All right, then, thanks, Nat, if you're sure.
I'm not sitting next to Perry Fenwick, am I? 'I can't say I wasn't a little bit surprised that Kat took me ticket,' but then I did offer, didn't I? Like a silly moo.
Well, I suppose that's what sisters are for, ain't it? I'm sure she'll do the same for me, one day.
Having been firmly off the radar writing his children's book, Danny Dyer has made a surprise visit to the Mann Management offices.
What's going on, Dan? I've had EastEnders on the phone.
You're turning up late, not learning your lines.
Have you had a little visit from your inner demons again? No, Vin, this is why, my greatest achievement.
It's me magnum opus.
Your what? It's a kids' book.
I ain't finished it yet, I need an ending, but I'm so close.
How long have you been working on this? You stink.
When was the last time you had a bath? It's been weeks.
The main character, Danny the bear, I want to play the geezer when they make a movie out of it.
Why is it all damp? Tears, Vin.
I put me heart and soul into it.
I need you to get me a gig on the old CBeebies bedtime.
Proper get this out there.
Crack on.
Well, I'll make the call, but they're all having a go at the children's books at the moment.
Help me get my story out there, Vin.
I need to read this to the old dustbin lids on the box.
Proper bang their heads.
Get a bit of bunce in the house, and all.
All right, go and have a bath, and get down EastEnders.
I'll see what I can do.
Cheers, Vin.
Oh, any voice-over work about? Oh, can you say, "Wickes - it's got our name on it"? Wickes - it's got your name on it.
Er Winks - it's got no name on it.
Your name's got on it.
Ah, no, I can't, can I, Vin? Na.
Cheers anyway, mate.
I'll see you later.
The stupidest of the stupid questions we're asked is, do you Mel and Sue BOTH: actually live together? And the answer to that is a resounding yes, my love.
There's us, Mel and Sue.
My cat, Arthur C Clarke.
Our two goldfish, Mel and Sue.
No relation, ROFL.
Our precious wormery.
Wentworth.
It's a can of worms.
Oh, was that a bit of worm play there, mate? Oh, and Tim, my husband.
Hello.
I'm Tim.
I'm Mel's husband, and I live with Mel.
And Sue.
It's good this, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah.
Have we got something lined up for after this? I keep hearing really good things about Transparent.
Is that on Netflix? Right, who wants a game of Connect Four? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, me! Turn around, touch the ground, bagsy not blue.
Oh, you blew me.
Oo-er! The counters are red and yellow.
Yeah, but, "You yellowed me," doesn't work, does it, Tim? Actually, Sue, we were going to watch Transparent.
Yeah, we were.
Yeah, but then I mentioned Connect Four.
Oh, yeah, she did.
But before that, we talked about I know how we can sort this out.
Why don't we take a vote? It's only fair.
All of those who want to play a nail-biting game of the '80s classic, raise your hands.
All of those in favour of Timberlina's boring box-set bonanza.
The retro-tastic vertical strategy game for ages six and up, it is.
Clickety clack.
Who's dropping first? Oo-er, boom, tsh! Would you believe me if I told you it's always like this? Boomshakalak.
Mr Boombastic.
Boom.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Boom! Fancy a go, Tim? Come on, Tim.
Come on, Tim! Henmaniac, classic! Come on, play me, Tim.
Hey, Tim.
Tim.
Hey, Tim.
Tim.
Timmo.
Tim-Tam.
Tim-Tam.
Tim-Tam.
Tim-Tam.
Bam-alang-bam-alang-a-ding-dong.
Yeah, I might just go to bed.
A cup of Mr T, if you're getting up.
I pity the fool who doesn't bring me a Hobnob.
Ooh, yeah.
That's three in a row, there, mate, be careful.
Keep your eyes peeled.
SUE WHISTLES Bear with! Having gained the trust of Vincent's clients, we were able to garner a candid insight into what it's really like to be famous.
Stop it.
I'm having a moment.
What's the best thing about fame? I don't have to bunk it on the bus no more.
The best thing about fame, erm Probably the straight up banter you have with the greatest musicians in the world.
Hashtag Snow Patrol, hashtag they're my mates, they are.
I don't even get on the bus no more, which is sad, really.
I was on always on the 349 from Edmonton, back seat, Chicken Cottage, sneaky Benson out of the window.
Can't do that now.
Too mega-famous.
The great thing about fame is all the lovely people who stop you in the street for a chat.
I say stop for a chat - most just drive by and shout, "Oi, Sonia, where's your trumpet?" I don't know where it is.
It's just a prop.
I suppose I could buy me own bus and fill it with extras, and drive it through Edmonton.
Actually, that is the best thing about fame - being able to buy a bus and fill it with a load of people, if that's what you fancy doing.
The best thing about fame is when a hunky chap-a-rino throws himself at your feet and says, "Do with me what you will Mirandy-pants, "I'm yours for the sexing.
" That happens to me all the time.
The best thing about fame is the happiness it brings to me life.
Well, it happened to me once.
OK, so he tripped over, and he didn't actually speak to me, but he did land on my feet, Although it was hard for him not to - they are size 13.
All right, kids? I'm Danny Dyer.
I've met some of the hardest geezers in the world, and I've lived to tell the tale.
Now I want to tell you mob a tale.
So sit down, shut your cake holes, open your lug holes, bosh.
Right.
Once upon a time, there was a little bear called Danny.
Now, Danny had a mate who was a little mug called John.
"You got that monkey you owe me, John?" "Yeah.
I've got it right here.
It's in my sky rocket.
" Who done these pictures? Proper bold as brass like that, and brave Danny stared right into his boat, right into his mince pies.
Right, hang on, right - what soppy bollocks has done these pictures? Are you having a bubble? It's undermining the drama! Anyway, Danny's gone, "Hello, you getting lairy because you're on the old Bob Marley, "the Gianluca Vialli, sniffing the old Salvador Dali?" Hey, leave it out, these geezers ain't in the story.
I'm talking about Charlie, nosebag, a bit of ching.
You're ruining this for the kids.
Ah, this is bollocks.
Right, blah-blah-blah, and then Danny jumped up and he turned into a beautiful butterfly, and did one.
Oh, you get that one right! I'm out of here.
Good night, kids.
Be lucky.
Where's me bees and honey? That's money, by the way.
The National Television Award for entertainment presenter goes to Ant and Dec, everybody! Oh, you're double kidding! Ant and Dec's won, Dad.
They always win it.
I don't know why I put myself through it.
You ought to be there, Nat.
Here, why don't you go along? No, it's too late, Dad.
When's Best Continuing Drama? It's at the end.
It's a big one.
Well, that's not for another two and a half hours.
Give Millennium Cabs a call.
You'll be there in an hour.
I gave Kat me ticket, Dad.
Your face is your ticket, girl.
You're Natalie Cassidy, from EastEnders and The Health Lottery.
But what about your casserole? I can't leave you to do your own dinner.
Just stick it in a pan for me.
I'll be all right once, won't I? Thanks, Dad.
I better go and get me slutty shoes on.
The thing is, it's not really about awards, is it? It's about being part of a family and that's what Enders is, a big family.
Hiya, Mary.
NTAs! Thank you.
And, you see, family sticks together, don't it? Excuse me, mate.
Could we turn round, please? I need to go home.
'That's why I knew the rest of the team would understand.
' Do you think you'd get that with the Coronation Street lot? You're dreaming, mate.
Dad! DAD COUGHS Oh, no! Anyway, there's always next year, ain't there? All going well.
Oddly, the other one's come undone.
Has it? Ow! I can't believe it.
This is astonishing.
Come on, man.
What's wrong with you? These shoes undo very easily.
I've got wide feet,