Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e01 Episode Script

(oscillating tone) Boy, am I in for it now.
Sent before the White Desk again.
What did I do? The Solar Lander, you fool.
You painted a mustache on it.
But Orson doesn't know I did it.
Then why am I here? If I knew that, I wouldn't be talking to myself.
Mork.
Good morning, Orson.
Orson you call me Orson to my face, but behind my back, you call me "Fatso," "Rocket Ship Thighs," and "Star Tush.
" You forgot "Laser Breath.
" ( playful honking ) Sorry, Your Immenseness.
See what I mean? These constant displays of humor are not acceptable behavior here on Ork.
You're right.
We are rather a dull lot; the white bread of the universe.
Emotions have been weeded out of us for the good of the race, and you constantly make jokes.
I'm afraid that won't do.
Uh-oh.
There's an insignificant planet on the far side of the galaxy.
From the fragmented reports we have on it, the people are well, uh Real nimnulls? Exactly.
That's why I think you'll fit in there, Mork.
You're too kind, sir.
What is the name of this hellhole you're sending me to? Earth.
Earth? I was on Earth three bleems ago.
I was sent there by a biology class to collect a specimen.
I had to throw it back, though too small.
I love that place.
Well, don't enjoy it too much.
It's not a vacation.
We want you to learn all you we can about primitive societies.
Your mission is to report back to me mentally about the things you learn there.
And remember, this is a serious mission.
You can count on me, Orson.
D, D and E.
Dedicated, diligent and efficient.
Nanu-nanu.
Nanu-nanu.
MAN: I love this spot.
WOMAN: It's beautiful.
You know, the reason I enjoy taking you out is you don't put pressure on me.
You don't force me into playing that virile stud macho role, you know? ( electronic whirring ) ( whirring slows and stops ) Aha! ( cracking ) ( electronic whirring ) ( high-pitched hum ) Gizbah.
( high-pitched hum ) Shazbot.
Ah.
Only one suitcase? You lost half my luggage, you nimnulls! ( buzzes ) MAN: Oh, Mindy! Stop it! Don't you ever do that again! Not even if my blouse is on fire! I can't believe you.
Three dates and you think you've got the right to attack me like a Thanksgiving turkey?! Oh, I love it when you talk dirty.
What? Will you cut it out? Now, look, You know, I liked you a lot better when you were ineffectual.
I don't even think I like you at all after tonight.
Good point.
I think I should take you home because I respect you.
Well, I'll drive to make sure we get to our respective homes still respecting each other.
( groans ) Well, if that's the way you feel about it, why don't you just walk home? Oh! If that's the way you want it, I'll be happy to walk home.
Hey, wait a minute! That's my car! Nanu-nanu.
Father what are you doing out here? This is where I was dropped off.
Oh, yeah? Well, I got dropped off, too.
You don't know what happened to me! He just took my car! Well, I'm glad to have someone I can trust to walk into town with.
I mean, this isn't a confession or anything, but I only had three crummy dates with the guy and he takes my car and makes me walk! Very interesting.
Mind if I take notes? I don't know where he gets off ( Mindy continues indistinctly ) Nanu-nanu.
( clunks ) Shazbot! Ah! Well, here it is.
Thanks a lot for walking me home, Father.
I'm afraid I hardly gave you a chance to talk, but I was just so mad.
You know what I mean? Nab, nab.
My pleasure.
I was sent here to learn, you know? Well, if there's anything I can do for you If it's not too precious, a glass of water.
And if it is, a quart of oil will suffice.
Oh ( laughs ) I think I can spring for the water.
Spring water.
Humor.
( honking bark ) Better yet.
How about a little iced tea? When on Earth, do as the Earthlings.
How are they treating you? Do you talk to your plants, too? Oh, yes, they're good listeners.
Especially the old ones.
Yeah, I talk to my plants all the time.
Keeps them young and keeps them healthy.
Oh Your suit's on backwards.
It is? Boy, do I feel like a clone.
You're not a priest.
Who are you? I am Mork from Ork.
Nanu-nanu.
Ork?! Yes, you see, Ork is a planet.
You follow the Big Dipper till it comes to a dead end, then you hang an up.
An up.
Up, down, hard to tell out in hyperspace.
Oh, right.
I have a poor sense of direction myself.
So, you're, you're from outer space.
Yes, do you mind if I take a few pictures for the folks on the home planet? They'd like to get some postcards.
Uh, no.
Okay, watch the flookie.
How did you do that? With my Instamatic glove some models starting under 30 thribets.
Oh mind if I do? ( slurping ) The pause that refreshes.
( belches ) You drank that with your finger! Yes.
How do you drink? With my mouth.
Well, how do you talk and drink at the same time? Must be Drool City.
Now, look, whoever you are, now you can't scare me.
Now, there's no such thing as a man from outer space.
Now, I don't know how you did those tricks, but you just better keep your distance or you're going to hear me scream like you've never heard anybody scream.
I've never heard anyone scream.
Is that your way of saying thanks? ( knocking at door ) Aha! Help has already arrived, so you just stay cool, space man, or else ( gasps ) ( electronic pulsing ) It's for you.
Ah, my lost luggage.
clothes are in there.
( high-pitched beep ) ( hums happily ) Take a hike.
Scrim, scrim.
Oh, I forgot.
Sorry.
Here we go.
( coins clank ) Keep the change.
( emits electronic "thank you" tones ) ( hums happily ) You really are from out there.
No, actually, I'm from out there.
You see, out there's not a nice neighborhood.
I wouldn't even go there during a total eclipse.
An alien.
You're not going to hurt me, are you? Hurt you?! No, damaging other life forms is unthinkable to us.
I wouldn't harm a harf on your choli-cho-cho.
It occurs to me we have not been formally introduced.
A formal introduction is at hand.
( toots fanfare ) ( mimicks crowd cheering ) Get down.
I am Mork from Ork.
Nanu-nanu.
Oh I'm, I'm Mindy McConnell.
( toots fanfare ) ( mimicks crowd cheering ) ( baby-like ): Ah.
I like a being with a firm gribbet.
Shows character.
At least evolution.
Oh Well, thank you.
Uh how do you say thank you in your language? We spit.
Mind if I don't say thank you? No sweat off my front.
I just, I just can't believe this.
I'm standing here talking to an alien.
Do you realize the historic sweep of this? I mean, the world will be astounded! No, nab, nab.
You see, my mission is to observe Earth.
And the only way I can do that is by being one of you, a face in the crowd.
Which is easy because I fit right in.
Not really.
No? No.
Are you sure? Oh, I'm sure.
I tell you what.
Now, I'm as interested in you and your planet as you are about us so how about I can teach you to act Earthling if you teach me more about Ork? Is that a deal? A fair exchange.
Let's formally close the deal.
( squeaks ) Mind if I just spit? It's your house.
I will be staying here, won't I? I mean, I've heard so much about your Earthling hospitality.
Oh, well, you can, uh temporarily.
Oh, but if my father finds out Father?! On Earth you have natural parents.
You see, I'm a test tube baby.
Really? Yes.
My father was an eyedropper, the scum.
Why would you say that? Well, he ran away and left Mom.
Ran off with a bottle of nose drops.
Can't blame him, though.
She had those tight labels.
( playing "Beethoven's Fifth" on piano ) ( repeats music phrase ) ( playing "Beethoven's Fifth Symphony" loudly ) ( playing "Dueling Banjos" ) ( playing classical version of "Dueling Banjos" ) ( both playing lively jazz piece ) Oh, come on.
Oh, come on, please, hey.
Stop! Stop! ( whistles ) It's too early in the morning for "Dueling Beethoven.
" It's the only music I can challenge him with, dear.
He won't play anything by Alice Cooper.
That's because I play piano.
Alice Cooper just beats on the keys with a dead snake.
But at least he shows feeling.
Are you two going to start this again? I am a musician.
I sell violins and I sell cellos.
They're classics.
That's food for the spirit and a feast for the soul.
While you peddle ( playing discordant note ) junk food.
Frederick Huh? If you were in Heaven and God said, "I will give you a choice "you can be born with brains, or you can born with a permanent rash on your fanny.
" Now which would you choose? The brains.
Good.
I see you learn by your mistake.
Mother-in-laws are the curse of marriage.
Oh, Daddy, you know she loves to tease you.
It's what keeps her young.
Yes, but it's making me old.
Mindy, isn't that your second cup of coffee? It's my fourth.
But you don't drink coffee.
Why are you all of a sudden drinking gallons of coffee, unless you stayed up late.
You're right.
This must be my first cup of coffee.
Mindy Dad, I was up late last night.
Dad, I met the most fascinating person.
I was up half the night talking to him.
Him? Half the night? Dad, I'm 21.
Oh, honey, I know, I know.
It's just that I'll always think of you as my little girl.
I know you will.
Hey, Mindy, look who I found wandering the streets looking for you.
Correction, munchkin-like person: I wasn't wandering, I was trying to explore your world.
He's new in town, Eugene.
Mork, I'll be happy to show you around after work.
Work? Oh, yes.
Most people have to work for a living.
What a novel concept.
Mindy, who's your beatnik friend? Uh Daddy, this is Mork.
Mork, this is Mr.
McConnell.
Nanu-nanu.
Mork, he's my father.
What an interesting position to be in.
I tip my kripla to you, sir.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Well, I guess it's time for my violin lessons.
Thank you for taking me to your leader.
Gizbah.
Oh, yeah.
Ah, ah Hey, Mork, I'd like to see you again.
Were can I find you? I'll be at Mindy's place.
Come by any time.
Hang tough, man.
What it was, my main man.
You'll be at Mindy's place? Yes, we're living together.
( nervous laughter ) Catch you later, Jack.
On the rebound, clown.
Your mama.
Living together? That's not what it seems.
Your grandmother's the one with the hearing problem.
I distinctly heard him say you were living together.
Oh oh, well, Mork Mork is a practical joker.
You heard his voice, right? And with a name like Mork, you'd be a practical joker too, right? Oh, then he's not staying in your, uh and he's not sleeping in your, uh No one is sleeping in my, uh Oh.
And no one is sleeping there either.
( honking bark ) ( honking bark ) A pie in the face.
How did you Earthlings think of something so original, so unique? Mork, you and I have got to have a talk, so you might as well sit down and make yourself comfortable.
Don't mind if I do.
Now, Mork today, you did a bad thing.
You told my father we're living together.
Now, I know you didn't mean to do any harm, and it's What are you doing? You said to make myself comfortable.
Mork, can you take a little constructive criticism? Of course.
It's not nice to sit on your face.
Then why did God put it there? Oh, boy, I'll tell you I can tell you teaching you to be Earthling is not going to be easy.
Now, if you want to pass for one of us, the first thing we're going to have to do is we're going to have to work on your voice.
Your voice is not right.
Well, how about this one? ( Southern accent ): You say another word, I'll blow your lips into the sink.
That one's not quite you.
Or this one? ( as Ed Norton ): Hey, Ralphie, boy.
( as Jackie Gleason ): Norton, to the moon, Norton! Or this one: ( as Shirley Temple ): On the good ship Lollipop How did you learn those voices? We've been monitoring your TV for years.
My favorite is: ( as Desi Arnaz ): Lucy, you can't do the show.
( as Lucille Ball ): Ricky Babaloo! Oh, boy.
I can tell this isn't going to be easy.
Oh, Mork, you just don't understand the problems you present.
I realize I do cause trouble.
Heavy sigh.
The last time I was here I caused a big problem, too.
You were on Earth before? About 20 bleems ago.
I was here to visit my friend the Fonz.
You know him? Hey! Are you interested? Oh, yeah, definitely.
Then I'll take you back.
Prepare a time-warp sequence.
( phone ringing ) All right, I'm coming.
Yo.
Cunningham residence.
No, Richie ain't here right now.
Because he and his family went off on a little vacation jaunt, you know.
Hey, you sound very adorable.
What's your name? Mary.
How are you? Arthur Fonzarelli here house-sitter.
You never heard of me? You new in town or you just back from lunch? Yes, Mary, I will tell Richie that you called.
Yes.
Bye-bye, Mary.
I want to tell you, he knows some uninformed human beings.
( electronic pulsing ) All right, all right, all right, who's going "wee-wee-wee"? I said, who's going "wee-wee-wee"? Hey, Ralph, if you're out there and this is a bad joke, I'll give you 30 seconds to find out how much I don't enjoy "wee-wee-wee.
" Whoa-whoa-whoa.
Greetings, Fonzie.
Yabaz-abud-abid.
Remember me Mork from Ork? You once called me the "nutso from outer space.
" I must be dreaming or something like that, you know.
I mean, uh Of course I'm dreaming.
That's why Mary never heard of me.
Sorry, real thing.
I had to zap your mind to make you forget.
Didn't want you to go Bozo City.
I think I want to wake up now.
Strange custom.
Doesn't give me pleasure.
Don't be afraid.
I mean you no harm.
Yeah, right No, I'm not afraid.
Oh, snacks! I want to be your friend.
Yeah, okay, look I'm real sorry, you know.
I mean, as much as I'd like to invite you in to have a little small talk and everything, I got so many things to do, you know? Like give Richie a message from Mary and clean the bugs off my headlights.
Stuff like that, you know what I mean? ( high-pitched whirring ) Hello? I've come for very important information.
When I was here before, I observed an Earth ritual that I could not comprehend.
It drove me zazbot.
Well, don't get unravel Hey, let's not get unraveled here.
Right.
We'll just talk about it.
What is this particular ritual that made you "zizbit"? Men dating women.
Well, I think you came to the right place.
What was it you wanted to know? ( fast whirring ) Oh, thanks a lot.
Why a man dates a woman.
Don't men date women on your planet? Hard to tell; parts are interchangeable.
I don't know how you guys got so far advanced, you know.
I mean, there's no incentive.
Oh.
All right, look, right off the bat, let me tell you something: It's very difficult to talk to you like this, eh? Don't sit that close.
Oh! All right, now, you're telling me that men don't kiss women on your planet? Kiss? I don't know what that means.
Nice word.
Has a pleasant ring to it.
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss Can you hear the ring? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, look, all right, a kiss it's very affectionate, you understand? You got a boy and you got a girl, and they put their lips together, you see, and then they kind of slide them around.
And it feels great.
Sliding lips sounds unappealing.
Don't knock it till you've tried it.
All right, look, you got to meet a girl, get to know her, find out if she's willing or not.
Do you know a girl who's willing? I know some girls that are willing and able, and then I know some that are not willing, and you're able to convince them, yeah.
Can you introduce me to one of the convincing ones? It's going to be very hard.
But I Don't touch me.
Perhaps you'd like to slide lips then? Hey! But you see, I need your help.
You are known throughout the universe for your expertise in this field.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, that's true.
Yeah, right.
All right, all right.
I'm going to try to find you a date.
Hey.
You just got to do me a favor.
Go up to Richie's room and get on some of his clothes so at least you look normal, huh? You thank.
My clothes do need time warping.
Yeah.
But first What? What is Richie's room? Oh, yeah, you can't miss it.
Lots of stripes and checks and penny loafers.
Oh, penny loafers.
Yeah.
Hey, take this with you.
Hut.
Hike.
Shiznanee.
But first, I remember Richie now.
( singing "Blueberry Hill" in Orkan ) He needs a lot of work.
Good thing he didn't land at Potsie's house.
All right, now who am I going to fix him up with? Gloria Hockney No, I don't want to put her in a tizzy right away.
The Hoper triplets? Now there's a six-pack to go.
No, I don't want to put him in a tizzy right away.
Hey.
Same to you, buddy.
Hi, Fonz.
LAVERNE: What's this guy Mork look like? Is he tall, dark and handsome? Yeah, you know what he is.
He's a, he's a foreigner.
Oh, I don't like foreigners.
They talk funny.
Where's he from? Ork.
Oh.
Sounds like a nice country.
Yeah.
Laverne, listen, I just want to spend a little time with him alone, you understand, so that I can, uh, brief him on American customs, you understand.
Why don't you wait in the car? My car broke I took a bus.
Yeah, I'll fix your car.
Why don't you wait on the bus, all right? Thanks very much.
I'll give you two minutes.
( muttering ) Where is she? If she's here, she must be tiny.
I want to get a few things straight with you, all right? Number one What are you doing? I'm straightening things out.
I start with my legs, then go to my arms.
I'd do my neck except I'd cut off the blood.
I'd probably die.
Stop that.
I want to talk to you about kissing again, all right? I've been meaning to ask you about that.
I want to know why I would want to do it.
Physical pleasure.
Don't you do anything on your planet that includes physical pleasure? Yes, there's one thing and it's against the law, and I, I can't tell you.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Uh, we're having a man-to-man talk, here, or whatever this is.
Uh you can tell me.
All right.
Yeah.
When a woman touches a man here ( ecstatic gasping ) It drives me zazbot.
Let me get this straight.
You're telling me, if somebody touches you ( ecstatic gasping ) What's next? Well, it only happened to me once.
This zazbot came over me and I I couldn't control myself.
Well, I I became a beast and I I jerked her earlobe.
I couldn't help it, you understand! ( high-pitched sobbing ) ( high-pitched voice ): I honestly regret it.
( sobbing ) I regret it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I regret it myself.
I understand, I understand.
LAVERNE: Fonzie! Oop Your two minutes are up.
So, uh you must be Morky.
I'm Laverne.
Pleased.
I, too, am pleased.
Nanu-nanu, nanu-nanu.
"Nanu-nanu"? "Nanu-nanu"? Yeah, well, you know, I got to go now because What is nanu-nanu? two's company, three's a crowd.
Know what I mean? What is nanu-nanu? Oh, Earth humor.
( honking bark ) Fonz, did you fix me up with another jerk? Oh, a jerk ( gibbering ) Was jerk good? Oh, yes, yes.
That was a fine jerk.
Fonz.
All right, look, just give me a break here I washed my hair for this.
I ironed my skirt.
Look, he's a foreigner.
He doesn't know our customs.
Just give him a break, all right? Huh? Yeah.
Okay.
But tell him not to jerk.
It makes me nervous.
Okay.
Don't jerk.
What, are you nutso? All right, look.
If you get in a situation and you don't know what to do, just follow what Laverne does, 'cause she knows the ropes.
All right? I know the ropes, too.
I can tie a square hitch, a sheepshank, many, many more.
You're not going for a merit badge here.
A sheepshank.
( laughing ) All right, listen, you two.
Knock your socks off.
( laughing ) Oh, that Fonzie, huh? So, Morky Uh, I'm not real good in geography.
This Ork place, where is that? Off Greece? No, we Orkans have been off grease for at least five bleems.
Now for lubricants we use Viz, Gazh, or the ever- popular Lemocoke.
Of course.
I don't understand why we don't use "vimogoke.
" Probably your engines couldn't handle it.
They would either overload and pollute the atmosphere or destroy the universe as you know it.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Is it time to flatter you? Sure.
You have a lovely fungus growing out of your head.
Fungus? What fungus? What? Oh, fungus or any major group of fungi including mushrooms, mold or mildew.
Yeah, well, I always wear mildew when I want to impress a guy.
What did Fonzie do to me? ( muttering ) I'm impressed.
Is it time to kiss yet? I don't think so.
No.
I'm sorry.
I'm new at this dating ritual.
What's the next step? Uh, well, uh, uh, why don't you sit down on the couch, huh? Oh, boy, will you look at that?! What? ( beeps ) What? Look at what? Nothing.
It's gone now.
Oh, you sit Fonz-like.
I must adjust and copy.
Get over there.
Sheesh.
Are you making fun of me? Because I don't like it when guys make fun of me, and if you keep making fun of me, I'm going to give you a fat lip.
Fat lip.
Oh, no rejection.
I merely wanted to experience the dating process.
Failure.
Oh, no.
Return to hatchling state.
( whimpering ) Uh, look, I'm real sorry.
I mean, I didn't mean to reject you.
( whimpering ) Don't suck your finger.
Your teeth will end up like mine.
( whimpering ) Aw Hey, come on, come on, come on, come on, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I really would like to be your friend.
Ah ( speaking Orkan ) No, maintain, maintain, maintain.
Ahh! Ahh! What, what, what happened? You touched me.
Yeah, I went like this.
( shrieking ) No, no, gangnab, gangnab.
"Gangnab"? What? What? No, no, no Give me your earlobe.
My what?! Your earlobe, delicious one.
( shrieks ) Oh.
Ow! I think you're getting off on the wrong foot, buddy.
Oh wrong foot.
Sorry.
Ow! ( shrieking ) Stay there, stay there.
Don't you come near me.
Don't you come near me.
I liked you better as a baby.
( speaking Orkan ) Stop! ( speaking Orkan ) ( shrieking ) Fonz! Fonz! He wants my earlobe! Fonzie! I think she likes me.
Ooh, her lobes.
I just wanted to tweak them.
Oh.
Now, Mork, that's what got you into trouble the last time.
Alas, my lady, you do deal me pain.
'Tis justified and I shall repent.
Oh, come on.
Hey, where did you get that voice? From yon video.
'Twas Shakespeare, methinks, though 'twas The Jeffersons.
Well, that, that voice is normal if you forget the "twas" and the "twits.
" I'll twy.
Here.
Read this.
Just turn to any page.
"Her fingers trembled as she undid her blouse and let it fall to the" Oh.
Anot Another page.
"His nostrils flared.
"Her nostrils flared.
Everything flared.
" I don't know why this book is overdue.
Here.
Uh, just turn to any page.
"'My shorts!' cried the senator as he ran from the room.
" That's it! That's it.
Mork, we've made a breakthrough.
A break? Yes, your voice.
We found a voice for you.
( high-pitched ): A breakthrough! A breakthrough! Yeah.
Ah-ah.
Your voice.
( deep voice ): Sorry.
I've learned a lot of things since last night.
Let me examine them.
Number one, this phony voice.
You shouldn't use the other one.
At least, don't use it around other people.
Number two, don't drink with my finger.
Number three, don't sit on my face.
Oh, and you forgot the fourth thing, and it's the most important.
Don't tell my father we're living together.
I don't understand.
He doesn't know you're living? It's not the living, it's the together he wouldn't understand.
No, I wouldn't.
Dad.
Greetings, Mr.
McConnell.
Don't you "greetings" me.
I wanted to believe you today.
I came over here hoping I wouldn't find what I found.
You came over here to check up on me? I came over here to prove to myself that my daughter hadn't lied to me and that she wasn't living with a man.
Dad, it's not like that.
Instead I proved to myself that my little girl isn't my little girl any longer.
But, Dad Dad Good-bye! Thanks for dropping over.
Oh.
You all right, Fred? ( shrieks ) I seen your lights on.
You should have been closed hours ago.
Tilwick, my old friend.
Come over here and help me celebrate.
I've been saving this bottle of champagne since 1967 for my daughter's wedding.
Oh, I wanted it to be so special.
I was gonna have tuxedos and flowers and a little band that I just might conduct myself.
It was gonna be real classy.
Here, you'll have to drink from the bottle.
Empty.
Then suck the cork.
What's wrong here, Fred? A toast! A toast! A toast to the old days, when values were values and morals were morals.
I remember when "sharing a pad" meant borrowing a notebook.
What are you talking about? My daughter my daughter is living with a man.
Mindy? Oh, come on, that can't be.
It's true, it's true.
She's a loose woman and I don't know how to tighten her.
Well, I don't believe it.
That's not the Mindy I know.
All I know is, I've done all I can.
I can't do anything else.
Well, there's something I can do.
What? I'm a cop.
I represent, uh, law and order.
But he hasn't done anything illegal.
Listen, you don't get the idea.
Now I'll just I'll just whip over there and I'll just scare the daylights out of him.
You know, "Hit the road, hamburger!" Like that.
You'd do that for me? Sure, first thing in the morning when I get off duty.
Really? Sure.
Hello? Hello?! Anybody in there? Little hatchling brothers, you must revolt against your oppressors.
You have nothing to lose but your shells.
As much as I like Mindy, it's against intergalactic law to eat fellow space travelers.
Fly, be free! Well, I guess we'll have to have a quick burial at sea then.
I'll notify your next of kin.
Your brother bit the big one.
What's the matter, have you no emotions? Are you hard-boiled, huh? Oh, I see.
The cold machine placed you in a state of suspended animation.
I'll put you over here to warm up, and when you revive, you'll be free to fly.
Over here.
( humming ) You people really are short, you know that, don't you? ( knocking on door ) Oh.
Smoky! Hi.
I'm Mork.
Now, listen, kid, I don't belong to your fraternities, so watch it with them secret handshakes.
Is Mindy McConnell here? Uh, no, she's at a place she calls work.
A strange concept, but she enjoys it.
Oh.
And I suppose you don't like work? I don't know, never tried it.
I see.
So you just sponge off Mindy? Oh, no, we've never taken a bath together.
No, no, I mean you live off her.
Listen, I've met your type before and you're just about the lowest form of life there is.
( imitating twang ): Well, you better check up on your biology then.
The lowest form of life is a geje, voje and the ever- crawling neba-jij.
Don't give me none of that intellectual mumbo-jumbo.
I happen to be a good friend of the McConnells and I don't want to see Mindy hurt.
Mindy hurt? I'd never allow it.
Then I want you to take off.
Take off? I just landed.
Now listen here, buster.
I can make a lot of trouble for you.
You see this here uniform? It is a uniform.
I didn't want to make mention of it.
Are you a member of Space Patrol? Are you putting me on? Putting you on? You're not even hollow.
( honking bark ) Yeah, right.
Did Orson send you to help me with my friends, the eggs? Right.
( cracking ) ( groans ) Nimnull, didn't you see him coming? How can I help you if you won't even help yourselves? Why are you looking at me like that? Am I in trouble? ( whispering ): Fred, I got to talk to you.
Uh, did you scare him off? Well he won't be bothering Mindy anymore, but I didn't scare him off.
Well, what? ( whispers ) You what?! Well, I just wanted you to get rid of him not that.
Well, I had to.
I-I didn't want to, but I had to do my duty.
You think I enjoyed it? This is about Mork, isn't it? What have you done? Well, I I just went up there to scare the little fella.
It's not my job, but when I seen him, I knew I had to do my duty, as much as I hate it.
Well, what was your duty? Well, I know he's a friend of yours, but that guy is bonkers I had to take him in.
They're going to have a sanity hearing tomorrow, and I'm afraid they're going to put your friend away.
Daddy, how could you?! Tilwick, how could you? Well, the court is well aware of your qualifications as a psychiatrist, Dr.
Litney.
Now, you examined the defendant? Uh, yesterday, and I may say Stop everything! Oh, Mork, I'm sorry we're late, but they wouldn't tell us where the meeting was being held.
Young lady, cases of this kind are not supposed to be public spectacles.
Ah, but we're here as character witnesses for the defendant although personally, I never really liked him.
MINDY: Your Honor, my name is Mindy McConnell, and this is my father, and I want to go on record as saying that Mork has the right to have a lawyer.
I will not permit him to be on trial without counsel.
I'm his lawyer! The court appointed me.
Young lady, this is an informal situation, but I assure you, no one is trying to railroad anyone.
Uh, may I ask just one little question? Oh, why not? The question is Mork is innocent! True, he is different from most, but this great country was built on the rights of individuals to be individuals.
We have the God-given right to be eccentric, and therefore I demand ( pounds table ) that Mork be exonerated and set free! I suggest you sit down.
We're hearing the testimony of Dr.
Litney.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
She's sorry.
Dr.
Litney if we may continue what was your conclusion after examining the defendant? Your Honor, my conclusions are that the patient is extremely childlike and incapable of learning.
He has also exhibited marked antisocial behavior.
Therefore, it is my opinion that the defendant is incompetent to function in society.
No more questions.
No questions.
But you have to ask questions! Mork, don't let them do this to you.
You don't know what it means.
I have a vague idea.
I saw a rerun of Perry Mason last night and Inherit the Wind.
( gavel pounding ) Since there are no more witnesses Your Honor, I salute you.
Nanu-nanu.
Your Honor, in your law, is it true that I have a right to speak for myself? Well yes.
( clears throat ) ( Southern drawl ): Dr.
Litney you don't like me, do you? Your Honor, I have never been interrogated by a patient before.
Then how do you know I'm doing it now? ( honking bark ) You said I exhibited antisocial behavior.
Why? Well, first of all, you wouldn't tell me where you were from.
And you, neither.
That's not my job.
And it's not mine, either.
We're even! Now, about these tests you ran that made you hate me.
( chuckles nervously ): Your Honor I don't hate this man, but yesterday, during one of my tests, he tried to put a square peg into a round hole.
But I did it, Your Honor.
He did.
He did.
I don't know how he did it, but I can't get the peg out now, and it ruined a perfectly good board.
And that's why you dislike me, Dr.
Litney.
I can sense that.
Your Honor, I don't have time for this, really.
Oh, the time? Excuse me.
It's ( beeps ) You see, Your Honor, he's wearing a wristwatch on his ankle.
No, Your Honor, I'm wearing an ankle watch on my ankle.
If I was wearing an ankle watch on my wrist, then I'd be crazy.
Your Honor, you see he's a wiseacre.
And you don't like wiseacres, do you, Dr.
Litney? No, I don't! And that's why you're prejudiced against me.
I didn't say that.
You see how he's cleverly twisting my words, Your Honor? Oh, so you're calling me clever now, Dr.
Litney.
Isn't that another word for intelligent? So you see, Your Honor, doesn't this case hinge on my ability to learn? Yes, it does, Your Honor.
And by the way, he flunked his word association test outright yesterday.
That's the test where I give him words like, uh, like White.
Black.
Tall.
Uh, short.
Sky.
Birds.
Sex.
Uh, Pamela! You said you'd never tell! Oh Never tell, never tell.
Shh, shh.
You promised.
( crying ): Now you've ruined everything! Pamela! You and Litney? I thought we were Your Honor, I have a patient to take care of in a short while.
Could you excuse me? No, you're not going anywhere without me.
Just a s Pamela! Pamela! Your Honor Your Honor, the defense rests.
While it's true that the, uh, defendant may add a new dimension to the word "eccentric," there is no law against that.
And since it appears he's no danger to himself or society, and we no longer have a prosecutor, or a witness or anyone to write this down case dismissed.
We won.
We won! You won! MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Come in, Laser Breath.
ORSON: Watch it, Mork.
I'm only 60 million light-years away.
Just tell me what you've learned about Earth.
Oh, I've learned a lot.
So much, it's hard to comprehend.
It seems that everyone on this planet is an individual, and not only that, they're proud of it.
Amazing! If everyone's different, how can a society function? Not very well.
They almost locked me up because they thought my mind was imperfect.
Hmm.
Intelligent life.
Orson something very strange happened that really confuses me.
I met this Earth girl and her biological father, and at my hearing, they came to my defense, especially the girl.
She defied the system to protect me.
Why would she do such a thing? I don't know.
It must have something to do with emotions.
Investigate the phenomenon closely.
It's interesting behavior, even if it is irrational.
Yes, it is.
Orson, this may sound strange, but knowing that someone would do that for me, well, it makes me feel really good inside.
Just remember, Mork, you're sent there to observe, not to get involved.
Yes, Your Immenseness.
This is Mork signing off from Boulder, Colorado.
Until next week nanu-nanu.