Mother Up (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [title music.]
She was a high-class queen in the music biz, covered in bling, about to make it big.
A couple of kids, a dream deferred goodbye big city, hello to the 'burbs.
Hello to the 'burbs.
Things are getting rough, and life is getting tough.
These kids are driving me crazy.
I've got to Mother Up! Welcome aboard, 2-Bit.
And remember, Mass Exploitation Records is a family it's competitive, full of drunks, and there are a lot of annoying rules about who you can sleep with.
Well, Mass Exploitation Records lucky to have me 'cause I'm a genius.
Let's see what come into my head.
Got it! My next album's gonna be forty minutes of silence and then the sound of me kicking a dog.
You love that idea, right? I'm a genius, right? No, you're a rich spoiled brat and everyone's afraid to tell you when you're being stupid.
That's why you need me.
No one should have let you release "Everybody shut up, I'm drawing a horse".
What!? Everyone who works for me loved that record! I'm a genius! I'll kill you right here! Where's my polar bear at!? Snowball! Get in here and eat this Cool.
You bring me back to mother Earth.
You like gravity, baby.
Yup, that's me: an unstoppable force of nature that likes to make fat people fall down.
Just be in the studio tomorrow.
And remember, you're an idiot who doesn't really matter.
[laughs.]
Damn.
That really takes the pressure off.
Maybe I can go back to recording actual music.
I'll see you in the studio.
I'll be the sexy mother - Shut up.
Get out.
- A'right.
Hey, there's our genius! Look at how he walks out of a room.
OMG! Ugh! That guy is weird.
He makes me uncomfortable.
Oh, he just needs somebody to kick his ass so he'll start writing real songs again.
- Everybody wins.
- This is the record business.
The only place everyone wins is the special olympics.
And even then you have to tell them.
What exactly did you do to sign that freakshow? It was easy.
Brats like 2-Bit get bored because they've run out of rules to break.
So I arranged for him to break some rules he'd never even thought of.
I heard a rumor that some children got hurt or something.
And that is a PR dutch oven that we do not need.
The story about the children will never come out.
And even if it did, no one would believe it.
I happen to be a fantastic mother.
He's black, but he ain't no hole: Sgt.
Quasar! - I miss you too, sweetheart.
- You idiot! Crap.
My stupid wife is here.
My new Mercedes is way too beautiful.
How can I compete with that aqua pearl finish? All I've got is this lousy skin-colored skin! I hate that car! Go smash it right now.
Mommy! Hug zone.
Hug zone.
Mm-mmm.
Are you smashing it? I don't hear smashing Or you crying.
Oh, I'm getting a call Garry! What?! A tourist captured this video of hip hop artist 2-Bit apparently hunting children in the jungles of Central America.
Ah, dios mio! El chupacabra negro! Ah! Although it has been difficult to identify the woman accompanying 2-Bit, everyone agrees she must be a terrible, terrible person.
Rudi, the press is gonna crucify us! And not in the cool "we're going to base a religion on you" way.
Just in the painful - "nail you to a piece of wood" part.
- Would you relax? We used tranquilizer darts and most of the children we shot had agreed to the game.
- For a piece of food.
- Ugh.
No.
This is way over the line.
You're my top earner, but I'm going to have to feed you to the wolves on this one.
Wait.
What are you talking about? You're done.
The press conference is already forming downstairs.
I have to get down there first! You can take my job, but I won't let you paint me as a monster just because I hunted a few kids! Not my real hair! Not my real ass! I am disgusted! Disgusted that this company could endorse this kind of heinous behavior.
Even taking into account the amazing hand-eye coordination needed to hit such a small panicked target in a poorly-lit environment like that.
Disgusted! [Applause.]
And therefore, instead of announcing a new division to create music for needy children, as I had totally planned to do today, I am resigning in protest! So that I may devote myself full-time to raising my beloved children! - Wow! - Supermom! It was her! She's the one in the video! - Boo! - Bad man! - He hates supermom! - Look at her! Look at the picture! It's clearly her! [Gasps.]
I know one thing I won't miss about working here.
Having to dress like this.
[Gasps.]
- This company hates women and children.
- Just weird! And did I mention I'm moving my family out of the snakepit of Manhattan to a lovely healthy place with real community and family values.
The suburbs in Canada.
Throw things at the bald guy! I got 'im! Ugh.
Look, until mommy can get her old job back in New York, we're gonna have to live here, in this damn Stepford nightmare.
What's a damn Stepford nightmare? You know, where the men are murderers, the kids get kidnapped in the dead of the night, and the mommies all turn out to be terrifying mindless robots.
Conchita! More coffee.
[Smash.]
Oh, right.
We don't have servants anymore.
- Conchita! Mess! - Does Bernice still work for us? - Who? - The nanny we've had our whole lives? Hmm.
Not ringing a bell.
Oh, the one with all the moles? Ugh.
No, she's history.
So who's going to take care of me and Apple? - Duh.
Me.
- Do you know how to do that? Hey, I was a senior management executive at mass exploitation records.
I think I can handle raising three kids.
- Two.
- Oh.
Right.
You just move around very quickly, so sometimes it's hard to Okay, never mind.
The point is I happen to be fantastic at everything, including mothering.
But Daddy's still gonna live with us, right? Of course.
He wasn't in the car when we drove here yesterday.
You're confused because your brain hasn't fully developed yet.
He was sitting right next to me.
Jeffrey, hold the wheel.
I need a smoke.
I can't believe that half-Norwegian bastard tried to fire me.
Never trust foreigners there are no racist stereotypes about.
You don't know what to watch out for.
[Meow.]
Dick, stop making cat noises, mommy's relaxing.
- Grrr.
- Is everything okay? So, it's no big deal, but your loser father has left us forever.
What!? Hey, come on.
Who cares if instead of me he wants a 24-year-old bag of syphilis and instead of you two he wants Well, I guess nothing.
[Crying loudly.]
Whoa, whoa, what's going on? Did something sad happen behind me? [Whistle.]
Listen, you got nothing to worry about.
I told you, I'm fantastic at everything, so logically I will be fantastic at this.
How hard can it be? [Honking.]
- There's your bus, Dick.
- What about my lunch? Right.
And you eat dry food? Wet food? - People food? - Correct.
Look, let it dry.
It'll taste the same.
This is how mommy birds feed their babies.
Aren't we late for my first swimming class? That's how you get the hot guys to check you out when you come in.
That mole covered woman never taught you this stuff? Hey, that's mine! I don't know any of these kids.
Can I change my name to "girl who fits in?" Part of me would love to watch that play out when you meet the other kids, but no.
Ah, you must be Rudi and Apple.
I'm Greg Simmons, the kids' swim instructor.
So welcome to the class and to Willowdale! Thanks.
So is there some kind of open bar - for the parents during class? - Ha! No.
I always say, "splash of water finds news stands every day splash of water oh, dap it.
" That's nonsense.
And I think also Metallica lyrics.
Yes! They are a very underrated source of wisdom.
Sometimes you have to sit with the words to really get what they're going for.
Uh huh.
How long you been sitting with those words? Couple years.
I'll figure them out, though.
I'm a life coach so figuring stuff out is kinda my deal.
For instance, you love camping and the homeless.
It's a gift.
See you in class.
Let's check if he was wrong about the bar.
Or we could just go home.
I could work on my new play about the magic princess who has to deal with too much change and develops an enchanted ulcer.
Listen, Shakira once told me that when she first came to America Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but did you just say Shakira? - Like, Shakira the singer? - No, it was Shakira the cardiac surgeon.
- Oh.
- I'm kidding.
It was the singer.
Wow.
I once drove part way to New York city with my parents and we thought we saw Jim Belushi but it was just a pile of old meat.
- Great story.
- So how did you meet a celebrity? Sarah! I'm sure you'd agree that the whole culture of celebrity is toxic for children.
- Well - Toxic! - Okay.
- Good! Now, shall we all get to class? - Okay.
Come on, honey.
- Moo.
Hm.
Hi, I'm Jenny, the president of the PTA and the homeowners' association and really any time there's a group, I'm in charge.
Welcome.
You always try to push people around like that? There's no need for an angry voice.
And here's a little advice: trying to get attention by talking about famous people is only going to make you look desperate.
And sad and fat.
Okay, see you in class! I've never been in a pool.
I'm scared! You're scared of this pool? Okay, get ready for some gold medal parenting.
I was once at a wrap party and a little girl just like you falls in a pool with a goddamn twelve-foot crocodile in it.
Her parents try to save her and that monster is on them in an anorexic second.
It takes them both down in a death roll 'cause you see, that's how they kill.
The girl sees her mommy and daddy torn into a screaming milkshake of guts and snapping bones right up in front of her.
It messed her up.
Probably ended up as a child prostitute in Guam.
So that's the pool you should be afraid of.
[Whistle.]
Whoop.
Class is starting.
[Splash.]
[Coughing.]
Death roll! Death roll! I don't want to go to Guam! Oh, you poor thing! Did somebody fail as a mommy? Did they? Am I in Guam? Are you my first customer? Hey, that's mine! Rudi, I want to share a rhyme we use here to help responsibility challenged mothers: "child near the pool, 'phone off' is the rule.
" - Now you say it with me.
- Come here, Apple! Rudi, you should watch that generalized anger.
It's very confusing to a child.
Do you feel blamed for mommy's mistake, honey? Back off, blumpkin.
[Gasps.]
Oh, take a xanax, they don't know what that means.
Well, he probably does.
Okay, I got a tiny bit distracted, but I happen to be a pretty good mother.
[Ring.]
I feel puffy.
Yeah, like the outdated portion of Diddy's stage name.
Ha.
You're outdated! - Dick! - I'm gonna pop him! There shall be no unauthorized popping of students on school grounds, you loathsome tick of a boy.
I am Mrs.
Moxley, the principal of this establishment.
What did you do to my son? I sent him off this morning boy-shaped and human-colored.
And apparently you also sent him off with pockets full of peanut bars to which his transcripts claim he is violently allergic.
Personally I don't believe a word of it.
There's not the slightest evidence of any Oh, wait! He's utterly purple, hideously engorged, and being bunged into a wretched ambulance! He's allergic to? I'm not usually in charge of How am I supposed to keep track of what will or won't close his stupid airways!? How fortunate you have that small emergency back-up child.
[Sirens.]
Hello? Rudi? Rudi? Go away! I'm doing pilates.
Crying box vodka pilates.
Very hip.
Now piss off.
Well, I don't mean to interrupt that, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you had a tough first day and bring you this pie.
- Can I drink it? - Well, no.
It's a pie.
I suck.
My daughter, Banana - Apple.
- You know what? I'm not even going to tell you the story now.
You'll never know why Apple is terrified of alligators.
I heard that Dick is deflating nicely, though.
Look, look, look you seem nice and no one that matters will ever meet you so I can say this to you: I'm failing as a mother.
And I don't do failure.
I'm a winner.
So I'm putting the kids up on ebay and running away like a winner! Please don't leave.
Jenny is a total meanie boots sorry and you're the first person in a long time to even try to stand up to her.
Yeah, she's a real baboon fluffer, that one.
How about this? Don't think about this as "are you a good mother".
Think about this as a chance to beat Jenny and all her mommy minions at their own game.
Well, I do like beating people.
And I hate Jenny.
It would be nice to combine those interests.
Oh, you can crush those evil moms at their own game.
I am skilled at crushing.
You clawed your way to the top of the record industry.
- Yeah.
- So you can claw your way to the top of a suburban mommy ladder! - Is that a sex game? - No! Good! Then I'm back in! Ugh! All right, if I'm gonna bring these cows down I need some tactical information.
In the world of moms, where do the most vicious, bloodthirsty heartless battles for status take place? - Uh! Birthday parties.
- Of course.
On my birthday I could finally make it all about me instead of the kids: How creative I am, how smart I am, how sexy I am all about me.
Yes.
Except it happens on a kid's birthday.
Oh, make the kid's party about me.
I'm good at making things about me.
Oh, I'm liking this.
But neither of your kids has a birthday for months.
Where are those school forms? Ah! Dick is gonna turn ten a little early this year.
Do you need someone to put out cups? Because I can do that.
- I just want to be part of the magic! - You just sit back and enjoy.
If there's one thing I know how to do, it's throw a party! You're good.
2:00, Saturday, this address.
But you're not wearing this crap.
[Ringing.]
This is immigration.
We're about to raid your establishment and destroy your business.
Or you can make me a perfect Sgt.
Quasar costume in a 42 long.
That is a weird bargain.
But very fair.
Jacques, Rudi Wilson.
I need the best birthday cake in the world, shaped like a spaceship and sent here by Saturday.
Ha! Your insane demand is impossible.
I'll send you the video you wanted of our little encounter in the metro last spring.
One big cake is on its way! Rudi is going to send our sexual video! Oh! Tres bien! She was a beautiful and horrifying lover! and fifty of those.
[Laughter.]
You did it! This party is amazing.
Are those real Isaac Mizrahi hats? - I know a guy.
- I wish I knew a guy.
I assume you're not going to be giving toy guns to the children.
Of course not.
When the martian brain suckers attack, the children will need real guns or they'll end up like your kids.
I guess you find child-on-child violence amusing.
Sometimes.
[chuckles.]
I think guns are always inappropriate and I also think there's alcohol in that French cake.
[Meow.]
Oh, crap.
[Doorbell.]
That's the kid dressed as Sgt.
Quasar, he should distract everybody.
Son of a bitch! I'm so sorry, my dear friend Rudi just changed her mind.
She wants to go with your original version of the costume on him.
Who's worthless now, pop, ya dead son of a bitch?! [Screaming.]
That's it.
I tried.
I'm done.
[Helicopter approaching.]
She a party girl living in a party world She a party girl livin' in a party world Oh, my god, it's 2-Bit! Ladies and gentlemen, I am 2-Bit.
And I heard that my good friend Dick was having a birthday so I wanted to show up and get the party started by singing my hit song "Queen of the party planet" The theme to Sgt.
Quasar's next movie.
Yay 2-Bit! And who is this? Why, it looks like Drake Bradshaw, star of Sgt.
freakin' Quasar! You are the coolest person I've ever met.
Teach me.
Girl, don't be ashamed You ain't gotta be ashamed Them other bitches hatin' 'Cause they hardly in the game Calling you a lame ho They know your name, though This one cruisin' with you've been with a same foe [Cheering.]
How did you know I was doing this? You butt-dialed me eight times in a week.
It was like listening to a sad humiliating podcast.
I wanted to help.
Oh.
Well, this was grotesque overkill, but I'll let you get away with it this time.
But if that stage squashed any kids - you're paying for them.
- Deal.
Look, I kind of wanted you to owe me 'cause, well, I'm totally out of control! I'm pushing everybody at mass exploitation records around like puppets.
I need my gravity.
I wish.
But I'm stuck here proving I'm supermom until this child hunting thing blows over.
What!? I'm gonna demand they get me a huge tattoo of myself that shows all my tattoos, including that one! That's right, I want an endlessly recursive tattoo of myself or I ain't singing a note.
I'm the baddest mother [slap.]
Oh, yeah.
That's the stuff.
This is the most unbelievable party the neighborhood has ever seen.
You sure showed up Jenny.
I beat them.
And that is the most important thing in the world.
This party is the best, Mom! Sgt.
Quasar gave me an invisible shot that protects me from crocodiles.
I didn't even know that existed! - I love you, Mommy! - Me too! Hug zone! Mmm.
[chuckles.]
- I love you, Mom.
- I Wha Like I was saying, beating those women is is the most important thing.
Oh, Travis, honey you didn't eat the green cookie, did you? Yeah.
Cookies help me punch harder.
Well, it's just that the green one contained a secret germ warfare virus like in "Sgt.
Quasar" But it slowly turns human brains into mentally handicapped monkey brains.
- Nuh-uh.
- It could be happening already.
Are you thinking about bananas right now? Think carefully about bananas before you answer.
Oh, my god.
I am thinking about bananas! I don't want to be a monkey! Why did you put that cookie on the buffet table?! We don't have time for me to explain that now! Dick is the only one with the antidote, but you might have to be really nice to him for a long time before he even admits he knows what you're talking about.
I can do it.
I can do that! Dick! Can I bring you a hot dog, buddy? She a party girl living in a party world she a party girl living in a party world she a party girl living in a party world ain't no girl like a party girl 5'8" maybe a few inches shorter them heels threw me off your hairdo's in order sweatin' in the gym ooh, girl, you're dangerous snap a couple pictures, now you're instagram famous Girl don't be ashamed you ain't gotta be ashamed them other bitches hatin' cuz they hardly in the game Callin' you a lame ho they know your name, though this one cruisin' with you've been with a same foe