Mount Pleasant (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Have a nice afternoon.
Don't do anything I wouldn't.
At least not without me! Hiya.
Drinks? White wine and soda, please.
And make sure it's soda, not lemonade.
Coke, ta.
Me and Greg are on the wine a bit water.
Coke for me too, thanks.
Hey, that new Italian's opening next Thursday.
We should go, make a night of it.
I can't.
Anniversary.
Ah, is it? Brill.
How long now, Lisa? Ten years.
How quick! It only feels like last month.
Like you could remember even if it was, state you were in.
Isn't ten years an important one? They're all important, Denise.
Me and Greg are coming up to four years.
Even that is important.
Is he getting you anything nice? What's the tradition for ten years? Tin.
Tin? What can he buy you that's made of tin? Bugger all.
He'll forget anyway, I bet you.
Thanks for this, Dan.
I hope you don't think I take advantage.
Don't be daft.
There you go.
All done.
Do I owe you anything? Don't worry.
I've only been here ten minutes.
What is it about a man in his work gear? What time is Jim home? Who? Oh, you're such a I'm just messing.
Just messing.
Fret not.
He won't be back till gone six.
Are you hungry? Um I should be getting a move on.
Lisa's not back yet, is she? Mm, fish pie.
Fish pie.
Hey, I've just had a thought.
Three-minute warning.
How many years is ten in dog years? Pretend you're a dog and ask for a diamond, then.
Oh, that's 60, it's not 70.
And I'm not a dog, thank you very much.
Good point.
Ready to order your food, ladies? Carolina chicken burger, please.
Can I have a pot of thousand island on the side? And can I have a slice of melted cheese on the burger? And a pot of coleslaw on the side.
And two loaded skins, one mushroom, one cheese.
Can you fry the mushrooms, please? Can I have a dollop of sour cream in the middle of the skins, not on the side.
And a portion of onion rings, if you can.
On the side? Please.
Fries? No, thanks.
I'm being good.
I'm really sorry.
We ended up eating.
Shelley said it was her treat.
How could I refuse? You've eaten? Yeah, I'm sorry.
Thank God for that.
So have I.
Oh.
I got you this to make up for it.
I felt dead sorry for you, sat here on your own, all starvin' Marvin.
I don't believe it.
That's mental.
Talk about Derren Brown.
What? Bianca made a fish pie.
Excuse me? Bianca made a - I heard you the first time.
Is there something wrong? Yes.
What? I felt tight cos I never do fish pie.
Cos I hate it.
And you're always going on about it.
"Let's go down the Dog & Dart.
They do a crackin' fish pie.
" So I got you one.
Look.
And then I come home and you haven't even got the decency to call me or even text to tell me you've had your face fed by Miss Skimpy Knickers! What was for pudding? A blowjob?! You've been out with your friends.
You've fed your face.
You didn't tell me, did yer? That is completely different.
Yoo-hoo! It's only me.
Hi, Mum.
Buy one, get one free! Have you eaten? He has.
So's she.
But I didn't plan on it.
It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
You'd be cross with Dad if he'd had his face fed by Bianca without checking if you'd eaten first, Mum? Don't mention your father.
What's up? We're disagreeing over something.
What now? Fashion.
He needs a mew coat.
I think he should have a leather one.
He's insisting on another anorak.
We've got that coach trip to York a week on Friday.
I'm sick of him looking like the village idiot.
Every time we go somewhere nice.
There you are, love.
And when did your father ever insist on anything to do with fashion? Mid-life crisis, Sue.
What? Barry? A crisis? Seriously.
Classic symptom.
Suddenly giving a shit about what you look like.
Yo, kids.
Hey, eBay.
14 quid.
£49.
99 in the shops.
Kerching! Eh? Come here, my precious Cabbage Patch doll.
Hiya, Dad! Now, where do you want them shelves? Oh, in here.
Alright, gorgeous.
Greg! Good day? A bottle of wine and a DVD, remember? I thought you'd be home.
I was just on my way.
It doesn't look like that from where I am.
What did I say this morning? One pint is fine.
Stay off the fruit machine.
Don't be late back.
How hard can that be, Greg? Lighten up, foxy.
Shelley! I'm sorry.
OK? And I don't fancy Bianca.
You've not even tried to look up her skirt? Never.
You're my wife.
And I love you, and only you.
Two for the price of one! Shall I do your bowl before we go? Lisa, Dan Hi, Kate.
How's it going? How you keeping? Good, thanks.
Da-da! Yours? Martin's life insurance came through.
That's brilliant.
I mean, it's not brilliant.
I know what you mean.
It's brilliant you're moving on.
It feels right.
Actually, Dan, would you have a look at the loos for me? They just need a bit of attention.
Sure, give us a ring.
Is later OK? Any time.
Thanks.
See you soon, love.
See you soon.
She needs to get herself back out to the pub.
She needs a makeover first, poor cow.
Oh, very smart.
It's the new me.
No more messing about.
I've dumped Fergus.
What's happened? His wallet been nicked? Keep your voice down, Talia.
I don't need Shelley finding out after I've got away with it.
It's alright.
She's not in yet.
You were right, weren't you? He were never gonna leave his wife.
She's finally seen the light.
God, Denise, you can do so much better than Fergus.
He can do so much better than me, you mean.
Don't put yourself down, Denise.
One man's treasure is another man's trash.
Always remember that.
Lisa, any sign of what Dan is getting you for your anniversary? Fuck all at this rate.
He's not mentioned it.
Oh.
What have you come as? I'd like to register for some temp work.
I've even sorted myself out with a date.
Already? I need to move on.
I went online.
He's called Kevin.
He's got his own business and a townhouse.
Ooh.
My office, now, please.
I've left him.
I need a favour.
Me and Greg had a big row last night.
He thinks that I'm nagging him.
What about? Generally his whole existence.
What's he been doing? What's he not been doing? It's like he doesn't give a shit any more.
If he was any more laidback, he'd be in a friggin' coma.
Isn't that why you fell in love with him in the first place? And I've told him he needs to stop gambling.
A pint by the fruit machine every now and again isn't midnight poker.
Every now and again? Lisa, it's more than that.
He spends half his Saturday down the bookies these days.
Oh, just give him a good kick up the arse, girl.
I already have done.
I told him, he needs to stop.
He didn't like it.
He told me I'm the one with the problem.
It's like he won't even acknowledge it.
It all went a bit far and I walked out on him.
Oh, that's a bit drastic.
He needs to face up to it.
I had to show him I was serious.
Bloody hell, Shelley.
Where are you staying? That's the favour.
Mine? It better had be just a few days.
Like I've got much choice.
Trust me to have me boss as a best mate.
Fancy a bit? Quickie if you're knackered.
I tell you what, d'you fancy it up the arse? Yeah! How did it go? Honest truth? Obviously.
My granddad was right.
He used to tell me the world was flat and if I venture out too far, I'll fall off the edge.
Oh.
From now on I'll hang around the meals-for-one section at the Co-Op.
Maybe I'll just meet someone there instead.
Morning.
Morning.
Coffee? You're late, aren't you? Er Morning, Bianca.
Is he in? It's frigging welded.
Oh.
Any idea who's moving in? None whatsoever.
About time.
They might get that garden sorted out at last.
Right old mess.
Morning, Dan.
You'll know what I mean, eh, cock? Nowt worse than an overgrown bush, is there? Silly old trout.
There you go, Jim.
Lovely, ta.
Oh, raspberry or passion fruit, by the way? What? Raspberry or passion fruit.
You've lost me.
Pavlova.
For afters.
Tonight.
Oh, God, you're doing Pavlova.
Totally forgot.
Brain like a friggin' sieve.
Sorry.
Well Raspberry? Passion fruit? I tell you what, Samson, you decide.
OK.
Interests Football? Ugh, no thanks.
Why not? You could have all day Saturday to pamper yourself.
I do.
I don't think so.
When a man goes out with me, he needs to be available 24/10.
"Enjoys good food and wine.
" Nice.
Cultured.
All the weight, you mean.
Oh God, four dating sites and not a decent bloke on any of them.
I'm late for yoga.
You're covering for me.
I'm expecting a call from the new finance director.
Is there anything I should be aware of? God, yeah.
He's got a sexy voice, deep and throaty.
Keep your legs crossed.
Seriously, it's just targets.
File's on my desk.
Nothing you can't handle.
They're all decent, Denise.
You need to give people more of a chance.
You won't say that when I get serial killed.
Nowt wrong with a bit of cautious selection.
Oh, he looks nice.
"Likes model railways and his mum's home cooking.
" Don't do it.
Perverts, them train types.
Scientifically proven fact.
Shelley! Hi, Sue.
Ah.
Barry.
Hiya.
How are you both? Hey, you know us two.
Shaking in the making.
You'll be pleased to know he's taking his medication.
Are you up to anything nice, love? Just yoga.
You? Barry needs a new coat.
Er, nothing too snazzy.
Then we're going to the Dog & Dart.
Hey, two courses, £6.
95.
They do a cracking piece of fish.
You can't argue with that.
Just for the over 55s, though.
Perfect for a couple of old codgers like us.
Speak for yourself.
Hey, sunshine, age is nothing to be ashamed of.
I remember when the air was clean and sex were dirty.
Shut it.
Lovely to see you, Shelley.
Yeah, and you.
See you later.
You definitely want these ones? Hey Hey, come on.
If you don't like 'em It's not that.
I'm sorry.
I just keep thinking all this If Martin was here, you know, he'd He'd be so proud of me.
Course he would.
Mega-proud.
He'd be looking down on you right now.
Shall I make us a cup of tea? Would you please? Thanks, Dan.
That's not leather.
No, but it's snazzy.
Dan's right.
You are having a crisis.
What's next? 26-year-old mistress? Hair transplant? Sun roof? So you don't like it? If you want to walk round York looking like a pillock, fine.
But I won't be walking with you.
Alright? Having fun? We're watching Screen Stars.
How funny is Stir Crazy, Dan? Hilarious.
Er, how has your day been, treacle? Absolutely bloody marvellous.
Kitchen.
Now! You OK, cheesecake? D'you want me to do anything? Yes, actually! Take Greg out for a pint, pronto.
Force him to get her back home because I'm not putting up with that for much longer! With what? Don't insult my intelligence and pretend you haven't noticed.
Noticed what? You're a man.
You noticed.
You could crack a walnut with that tush! Do you want me to make you a camomile tea? I tell you what I want.
Next time she invites you for a gigglefest wearing nothing but fanny skimming-up pants, do the right thing and just fuck off out! Alright, keep your hair on.
So she's fit.
Before you start, yes, I'd give her one.
You'd give Shelley one? If I was single.
That's disgusting.
But I'm not single.
I can understand Donna.
She looks great for 50-odd but Shelley? You fancied Richard Madeley.
So? You said you'd give him one.
If I was Judy's age and I was stuck in a lift.
See? This is different.
Richard is a fantasy.
She's stopping at our house and she's my boss.
And you're my wife.
Which is why I won't do anything about it, alright? I must admit, Dan, for a man who's reasonably attractive, you've got really cheap taste in women.
Hang on And for your information, before you try anything on, Shelley doesn't do beer guts! "Hiya, mate.
" Never mind "Hiya, mate.
" You and I need a chat.
Pronto.
I sent her a text.
What more can I do? A text? Yes.
You sent her a text? Yeah.
Why should I always be the one that goes creeping back to her? I tell you why you should go creeping back to her, shall I? Because she's your bleeding wife, for a start! And she's getting on my wife's tits! Alright? When someone gets on my wife's tits, my wife has to tell me about it! And before you know it, my wife's getting on my tits too! So, crucially, mate, and before you start, yes, you're my best mate, of that there is no doubt, but crucially, mate, as it stands, at the moment, in conclusion, you are getting right on MY tits! Are you with me? Bollocks! I'll take her out, shall I, see if I can talk her round? That, sunshine, will be a tremendous start.
I even checked his suit pocket in the wardrobe.
He only ever wears it for funerals.
And no one's snuffed it since my mum's Uncle Ray fell off the roof.
He hid a necklace for my 30th in the inside pocket.
Ah Oh, he's definitely forgotten.
Denise! Are you listening to me? Listening and typing? Ambitious, eh? Fergus has sent me an email.
I hope you told him to sling it, the bastard.
Just cos he's married doesn't make him a bastard.
He's winding you back in again.
He says, "So good to hear from you.
" "Please forgive me.
I can't bear it when we're not speaking.
" "So good to hear from you"? You said you'd never speak to him again.
I know.
But you got back in touch? Just a horny email.
He's a sucker for the word "moist".
I've had enough of this.
"Fun Times Dating.
" Website.
It's genius.
I put you on, I write your profile and I choose your dates.
Less chance of you being quite so picky, eh? Oh I don't know.
My house tonight.
I'll get Dan to help us.
Hmm Hello.
My princess Sex goddess.
Angel of the North.
Stunning ray of light in an otherwise dark and miserable existence.
What do you want, Greg? Just want to know how you are.
How do you think I am? Just answer the question.
How are you? Surviving.
Coping.
Muddling through.
You do what you have to, don't you? Why, how are you? You know me.
Lost a couple of pounds.
Nose hair's out of control.
Oh, no.
"I thought we could go out for a drink, talk it through.
" "You know, sit and overcomplicate everything, just how you like it.
" I'm trying to help you.
"Make you a better husband, keep you away from vice and sin.
" But we love vice and sin.
Greg "Meet me at the Dog & Dart.
I'll get you a lager and lime.
" You need to remember that I need looking after underneath all this.
Underneath comes later, sexy.
Dog & Dart.
Lager and lime.
Just because I'm a high flier doesn't mean I don't have vulnerabilities.
I can be fragile.
Don't make me beg, bitch.
What time do you want me? Give us a ring.
Yes, yes, yes! He's taking me out.
I'm meeting him this afternoon.
Fantastic.
Lisa, babes, there's a sale on at La Senza.
Can you take my 3 o'clock meeting with David? David? "Head office" David? "Four sugars in his coffee" David? "Won't look you in the eye" David? "Watches Newsnight" David? It's just sales figures.
You'll nail it.
How d'you know he watches Newsnight? I went to his room after the Christmas party.
To watch Newsnight? Well, no, but he put it on after I give him a nosh.
He sure as hell looks me in the eye.
Coffee? Who doesn't go to the pub, for fuck's sake? Or throw the odd fiver on a horse every now and again? She knows I'll never be a suit boy or an office tart.
She'll chill out after a few days.
They always do.
You'll have to use your 50-50.
I already have.
Come on, a little bit of help, lads.
I'm on the last one.
Phone him, Dan.
Come on, Barry, answer.
Peace of the Middle East, kid.
Patron saint of Spain.
Teresa or Bernadette? Teresa.
Final answer.
D.
Thanks, Bazza! Babes! It's not what it looks like.
Save your breath, you idiot.
Where are you going? Home.
Oh, great.
What am I meant to do now? Chocolates.
Flowers.
Use your imagination.
OK.
I can choose you any fella I like.
Well, not a caretaker or someone with a dicky eye.
Shut it.
If we're gonna do this, we do it properly - following my rules.
You wouldn't shag someone with a dicky eye, would you? Would you, Dan? Don't involve him.
He lost his virginity to Mariella Spencer and she had hairy nipples.
No worse than you going out with Pete Parsnage.
Nothing wrong with Pete Parsnage.
Apart from the fact he had a missing bollock.
Don't be mean.
Took me a long time to get over Pete Parsnage.
How long exactly? Like it matters.
It's in the past.
Are you over him now? Leave it, Dan.
It's a reasonable question.
I said, leave it! "Attractive, fun-loving, great job, big heart, good sense of humour, seeks nice guy to go out and have fun with.
" That's all fantastic.
It says, "Rate your mate's intelligence on a scale of 1 to 10.
" HND in Leisure Studies.
I'll put six.
Rate your mate's sense of humour.
No one gives a toss about that.
They must do.
Blokes don't.
Vital statistics, that's what men want to know.
There's no such thing as vital statistics any more.
Alright, then, size of tits.
Put "voluptuous.
" Doesn't mention size of tits.
Come on, Dan, rate my sense of humour.
Seven drunk, three sober.
Eight is better.
Everybody wants someone who's a laugh, don't they? Ah, here we are.
"Rate your mate's attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10.
" Well? Dan? Like you said, you're a bloke.
Scale of 1 to 10.
Come on, Dan, just say it.
I won't be offended.
Promise.
Come on, you wuss! A fuckin' nine! You think Denise is a fuckin' nine? What would you rate me, then? Ten.
Obviously.
One above Denise? I'm your bleedin' wife, Dan.
Shouldn't there be more than one point between us? I was trying to be nice to her.
Bullshit.
It's not just about looks.
You think we're that base? What else is it about? This I cannot wait to hear.
Good in bed, good cook I dunno.
Women died for liberation.
You just care about your belly and widge! How'd you do it? What? Twist everything.
Just tell me the truth, Dan.
Do you fancy Denise? No.
But you gave her a nine.
It's only a stupid dating site.
I don't believe this.
As if it's not enough, you leching after Miss Skimpy Knickers.
Then you get a lob on watching Shelley parade her undercarriage.
And now you admit you want to sleep with Denise.
Didn't have a lob on.
You're not denying you want to sleep with her.
Put a fuckin' sock in it! What? You heard.
How dare you.
Since when did you become my mother.
You heard yourself? "How dare you.
" Did you know that men who are constantly accused of cheating are 45% more likely to do so if their wives don't stop going on about it.
Bullshit.
No, it's not.
I read it.
In Nuts.
And I'm starting to understand where those men are coming from.
Where are you going? Out! You may be right.
I may be having a crisis.
I'm not bothered about the hair transplant but I definitely fancy the sun roof.
What about the 26-year-old? What would I do with a 26-year-old? I can't imagine.
What would we have to talk about for a start? I'll stop interfering, shall I, and let you just get on with it, if you'd rather me go for the leather? Thanks, love.
I really didn't mean to go on about it but you know what I'm like when I dig my heels in.
There's nothing wrong with being assertive.
A woman likes a man to be a man.
But she also likes him to dress smart when they go on a coach trip together Just remember that next time.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
On a scale of 1 to 10, I think you're a 20.
Ah.
Do you? Fancy a chocolate? Fancy a shag? Works every time.
Alright, babes? Yeah.
You? Good, thanks.
What? Nothing.
Sorry.
Late.
Well, what did he get you? Oh, no.
Do you want to talk about it? Do I look like I want to talk about it? Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
Right, lady Let's start choosing you some dates.
Actually, I've been thinking about all this.
What now? I just don't think it's really my thing.
You're 19.
How can picking fit fellas not be your thing? Morning, ladies.
Working hard? Or hardly working? Dare I ask? No one else compares, do they? What? To him.
That's why you can't go on a date with any of those gorgeous men without picking at them, isn't it? He's the only man I've ever loved, Lisa.
It actually hurts, you know, when I think about him.
Right here in my belly.
Do you really think you're the first one he's ever had? Don't you think he might have another one at the Liverpool branch? Or that trollop from the Chester office? The one that fell down the stairs at the Christmas do, the one with the eyebrows.
Just cos Dan's forgotten your anniversary doesn't mean you can take it out on me.
I'll take that too.
Right, you.
This is a man hunt.
Fireman, 28.
Name? Herbert.
Forget it.
Peter, 32, gynaecologist.
Rule of thumb - never date a man who's seen 1,000 fannies.
Hm, she's right.
My taxi's here.
Talia, my car won't be ready till the morning, so when you've done that, nip into town, pick up my dry-cleaning the ticket's in the kitchen.
Legal slavery this is.
I should write to Anne Robinson.
Oh, this one's nice.
Jack, 30, accountant.
Accountant? Tight-fisted.
I wanna be made to feel special, Lisa.
Will you stop it? How will you find a man behaving like this, fussy cow? She's particular, not fussy.
Thank you, Shelley.
It's only a date.
You don't understand.
It's embarrassing sitting in a restaurant waiting for him to come through the door.
Pleading with God he likes Katy Perry, not Kings of friggin' Leon! I just want you to give him a chance, the poor bloke.
Tell you what, you're so sure, you go and meet him.
Excuse me, she's married.
Only to Dan, though.
Talia, dry-cleaning.
Communism is exploitation of the strong by the weak, by the way, in case you're ever asked.
Dan won't mind.
He won't even know.
He did forget your anniversary.
True.
Bastard.
You could try him out for me.
You'll soon see what it's like.
If it's OK, I'll take over.
Alright, I'm coming.
Here you go.
Bet you any money you hate it, hate him.
Hi.
Oh, that Um, the heating's not on.
Won't you get cold? I am going home, Dan.
Greg's on his way to come and pick me up.
Smashing.
Where's Lisa? Er, oh, meeting.
She won't be long.
Just doing a demo for a bunch of BT drones.
Cheers.
No Right, find out his salary, his car, where he holidays, his upbringing.
Whether he's a perv.
Wish me luck.
Denise? Yes.
It's Jack.
Thought so.
Er, sorry.
Bag of nerves.
Oh, no need to apologise.
You look stunning.
Fuck off.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Stunning? You're being silly.
I'm not.
You do.
You are.
Thanks.
Is this OK? Chardonnay? Favourite, actually.
Mine too.
Blimey.
So, what about me? Will I do? Yeah.
Course.
Ish.
I'd get rid It's all a bit '70s catalogue model.
You're joking? No.
Really.
Lose it.
Did you come on the bus? No, I've got a car.
Really? Yeah.
Really.
Is it a 4x4? Yes.
Oh! I got a taxi.
Nice.
You know, us women are quite easy to please.
Bit of charm, nice flowers.
I thought they'd be a good move.
What? Don't start.
He just needed a hand.
You know the score.
So they are practically from you? Here's Greg! Thank fuck for that.
Hiya, gorgeous.
Yes! Did you have anything nice for your tea tonight? Salmon.
Oh, very posh.
I like salmon.
Got minds of their own, haven't they? You must be very independent if you like seafood.
You have to be independent if you're single.
Can I ask you something personal? Go on, then.
You're not kinky, are you? What? You're not into any of that dodgy stuff? You know? Belts round necks, shoving an orange in your mouth, for that matter, or a mixture of the two, even.
Imagine that.
I think I'd better go.
Oh.
No, please don't go.
I didn't mean to offend, honest.
I don't normally do this sort of thing It's really hard knowing what to ask first, isn't it? Oh, God.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm not very good at this, am I? Maybe I should go.
You stay.
Enjoy the wine.
Don't worry.
Stay.
Look, just try and relax and let's just have a laugh, shall we? A laugh Right.
That'd be lovely.
What does your mum do, Jack? Sorry? Does she work? Is she a professional? No, she's dead.
Oh, bugger.
How? Suicide.
What about your dad? What about him? Is he dead? No.
Oh, good.
Is he a professional? No, he's a paraplegic.
My first Saturday job was working with paraplegics and underneath they're actually very nice people.
What? I'm sorry.
I'm winding you up.
Oh! My husband does that to me all the time! Ha, got you! Oh You're lovely, you are.
Hello.
Lisa? Kate! Hi.
Aren't you going to introduce me? Jack, Kate.
Kate, Jack.
Kate's an old friend.
We used to hang out at the pub together, the Dog & Dart.
Do you know it? Can't say I do.
Nice to meet you, Jack.
So how do you two know each other? Old mates.
We go way back.
We used to work together.
Looking after paraplegics.
How nice.
I'm sorry, Kate.
I'm running late.
It's lovely to see you.
And you, Jack.
Right, go and explain, will you? I'm in enough trouble as it is.
I'm so sorry! I just assumed you'd forgot.
Who told you it was tin? What? The vase.
Brilliant! It was my mum, wasn't it? Er Shh! Don't say a word.
Come on.
Hi, hello.
Spaniel's ears, the minute the bra's off, guarantee it.
Lisa.
Lisa! Lisa, you're not gonna believe this.
Su Pollard is following me on Twitter Oh.
You having a coffee, Sue? Yeah, why not? Let's go wild.
Yo, kids! Hey, what's crackalackin'? Hm, nice jacket, Bazza.
Ooh.
And who's that great hunk of spunk next door? You kept that quiet.
Mum! Bianca's got her claws in already, I noticed.
Oh, the new neighbour.
I forgot.
Trust Skimpy Knickers to get in there first.
Let's go and introduce ourselves.
Now? Yes, now.
Thank you, love.
Hello.
Hi.
It's Lisa.
Lisa is pregnant.
Go get it! Come here, my little pilchard.
What do you think? Everyone thinks I'm fat? Pregnant.
It's a secret.
My lips are sealed.
They said they're looking into his death.
What? Is this a bad time? Why would it be a bad time? Get a fuckin' grip.
Don't do anything I wouldn't.
At least not without me! Hiya.
Drinks? White wine and soda, please.
And make sure it's soda, not lemonade.
Coke, ta.
Me and Greg are on the wine a bit water.
Coke for me too, thanks.
Hey, that new Italian's opening next Thursday.
We should go, make a night of it.
I can't.
Anniversary.
Ah, is it? Brill.
How long now, Lisa? Ten years.
How quick! It only feels like last month.
Like you could remember even if it was, state you were in.
Isn't ten years an important one? They're all important, Denise.
Me and Greg are coming up to four years.
Even that is important.
Is he getting you anything nice? What's the tradition for ten years? Tin.
Tin? What can he buy you that's made of tin? Bugger all.
He'll forget anyway, I bet you.
Thanks for this, Dan.
I hope you don't think I take advantage.
Don't be daft.
There you go.
All done.
Do I owe you anything? Don't worry.
I've only been here ten minutes.
What is it about a man in his work gear? What time is Jim home? Who? Oh, you're such a I'm just messing.
Just messing.
Fret not.
He won't be back till gone six.
Are you hungry? Um I should be getting a move on.
Lisa's not back yet, is she? Mm, fish pie.
Fish pie.
Hey, I've just had a thought.
Three-minute warning.
How many years is ten in dog years? Pretend you're a dog and ask for a diamond, then.
Oh, that's 60, it's not 70.
And I'm not a dog, thank you very much.
Good point.
Ready to order your food, ladies? Carolina chicken burger, please.
Can I have a pot of thousand island on the side? And can I have a slice of melted cheese on the burger? And a pot of coleslaw on the side.
And two loaded skins, one mushroom, one cheese.
Can you fry the mushrooms, please? Can I have a dollop of sour cream in the middle of the skins, not on the side.
And a portion of onion rings, if you can.
On the side? Please.
Fries? No, thanks.
I'm being good.
I'm really sorry.
We ended up eating.
Shelley said it was her treat.
How could I refuse? You've eaten? Yeah, I'm sorry.
Thank God for that.
So have I.
Oh.
I got you this to make up for it.
I felt dead sorry for you, sat here on your own, all starvin' Marvin.
I don't believe it.
That's mental.
Talk about Derren Brown.
What? Bianca made a fish pie.
Excuse me? Bianca made a - I heard you the first time.
Is there something wrong? Yes.
What? I felt tight cos I never do fish pie.
Cos I hate it.
And you're always going on about it.
"Let's go down the Dog & Dart.
They do a crackin' fish pie.
" So I got you one.
Look.
And then I come home and you haven't even got the decency to call me or even text to tell me you've had your face fed by Miss Skimpy Knickers! What was for pudding? A blowjob?! You've been out with your friends.
You've fed your face.
You didn't tell me, did yer? That is completely different.
Yoo-hoo! It's only me.
Hi, Mum.
Buy one, get one free! Have you eaten? He has.
So's she.
But I didn't plan on it.
It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
You'd be cross with Dad if he'd had his face fed by Bianca without checking if you'd eaten first, Mum? Don't mention your father.
What's up? We're disagreeing over something.
What now? Fashion.
He needs a mew coat.
I think he should have a leather one.
He's insisting on another anorak.
We've got that coach trip to York a week on Friday.
I'm sick of him looking like the village idiot.
Every time we go somewhere nice.
There you are, love.
And when did your father ever insist on anything to do with fashion? Mid-life crisis, Sue.
What? Barry? A crisis? Seriously.
Classic symptom.
Suddenly giving a shit about what you look like.
Yo, kids.
Hey, eBay.
14 quid.
£49.
99 in the shops.
Kerching! Eh? Come here, my precious Cabbage Patch doll.
Hiya, Dad! Now, where do you want them shelves? Oh, in here.
Alright, gorgeous.
Greg! Good day? A bottle of wine and a DVD, remember? I thought you'd be home.
I was just on my way.
It doesn't look like that from where I am.
What did I say this morning? One pint is fine.
Stay off the fruit machine.
Don't be late back.
How hard can that be, Greg? Lighten up, foxy.
Shelley! I'm sorry.
OK? And I don't fancy Bianca.
You've not even tried to look up her skirt? Never.
You're my wife.
And I love you, and only you.
Two for the price of one! Shall I do your bowl before we go? Lisa, Dan Hi, Kate.
How's it going? How you keeping? Good, thanks.
Da-da! Yours? Martin's life insurance came through.
That's brilliant.
I mean, it's not brilliant.
I know what you mean.
It's brilliant you're moving on.
It feels right.
Actually, Dan, would you have a look at the loos for me? They just need a bit of attention.
Sure, give us a ring.
Is later OK? Any time.
Thanks.
See you soon, love.
See you soon.
She needs to get herself back out to the pub.
She needs a makeover first, poor cow.
Oh, very smart.
It's the new me.
No more messing about.
I've dumped Fergus.
What's happened? His wallet been nicked? Keep your voice down, Talia.
I don't need Shelley finding out after I've got away with it.
It's alright.
She's not in yet.
You were right, weren't you? He were never gonna leave his wife.
She's finally seen the light.
God, Denise, you can do so much better than Fergus.
He can do so much better than me, you mean.
Don't put yourself down, Denise.
One man's treasure is another man's trash.
Always remember that.
Lisa, any sign of what Dan is getting you for your anniversary? Fuck all at this rate.
He's not mentioned it.
Oh.
What have you come as? I'd like to register for some temp work.
I've even sorted myself out with a date.
Already? I need to move on.
I went online.
He's called Kevin.
He's got his own business and a townhouse.
Ooh.
My office, now, please.
I've left him.
I need a favour.
Me and Greg had a big row last night.
He thinks that I'm nagging him.
What about? Generally his whole existence.
What's he been doing? What's he not been doing? It's like he doesn't give a shit any more.
If he was any more laidback, he'd be in a friggin' coma.
Isn't that why you fell in love with him in the first place? And I've told him he needs to stop gambling.
A pint by the fruit machine every now and again isn't midnight poker.
Every now and again? Lisa, it's more than that.
He spends half his Saturday down the bookies these days.
Oh, just give him a good kick up the arse, girl.
I already have done.
I told him, he needs to stop.
He didn't like it.
He told me I'm the one with the problem.
It's like he won't even acknowledge it.
It all went a bit far and I walked out on him.
Oh, that's a bit drastic.
He needs to face up to it.
I had to show him I was serious.
Bloody hell, Shelley.
Where are you staying? That's the favour.
Mine? It better had be just a few days.
Like I've got much choice.
Trust me to have me boss as a best mate.
Fancy a bit? Quickie if you're knackered.
I tell you what, d'you fancy it up the arse? Yeah! How did it go? Honest truth? Obviously.
My granddad was right.
He used to tell me the world was flat and if I venture out too far, I'll fall off the edge.
Oh.
From now on I'll hang around the meals-for-one section at the Co-Op.
Maybe I'll just meet someone there instead.
Morning.
Morning.
Coffee? You're late, aren't you? Er Morning, Bianca.
Is he in? It's frigging welded.
Oh.
Any idea who's moving in? None whatsoever.
About time.
They might get that garden sorted out at last.
Right old mess.
Morning, Dan.
You'll know what I mean, eh, cock? Nowt worse than an overgrown bush, is there? Silly old trout.
There you go, Jim.
Lovely, ta.
Oh, raspberry or passion fruit, by the way? What? Raspberry or passion fruit.
You've lost me.
Pavlova.
For afters.
Tonight.
Oh, God, you're doing Pavlova.
Totally forgot.
Brain like a friggin' sieve.
Sorry.
Well Raspberry? Passion fruit? I tell you what, Samson, you decide.
OK.
Interests Football? Ugh, no thanks.
Why not? You could have all day Saturday to pamper yourself.
I do.
I don't think so.
When a man goes out with me, he needs to be available 24/10.
"Enjoys good food and wine.
" Nice.
Cultured.
All the weight, you mean.
Oh God, four dating sites and not a decent bloke on any of them.
I'm late for yoga.
You're covering for me.
I'm expecting a call from the new finance director.
Is there anything I should be aware of? God, yeah.
He's got a sexy voice, deep and throaty.
Keep your legs crossed.
Seriously, it's just targets.
File's on my desk.
Nothing you can't handle.
They're all decent, Denise.
You need to give people more of a chance.
You won't say that when I get serial killed.
Nowt wrong with a bit of cautious selection.
Oh, he looks nice.
"Likes model railways and his mum's home cooking.
" Don't do it.
Perverts, them train types.
Scientifically proven fact.
Shelley! Hi, Sue.
Ah.
Barry.
Hiya.
How are you both? Hey, you know us two.
Shaking in the making.
You'll be pleased to know he's taking his medication.
Are you up to anything nice, love? Just yoga.
You? Barry needs a new coat.
Er, nothing too snazzy.
Then we're going to the Dog & Dart.
Hey, two courses, £6.
95.
They do a cracking piece of fish.
You can't argue with that.
Just for the over 55s, though.
Perfect for a couple of old codgers like us.
Speak for yourself.
Hey, sunshine, age is nothing to be ashamed of.
I remember when the air was clean and sex were dirty.
Shut it.
Lovely to see you, Shelley.
Yeah, and you.
See you later.
You definitely want these ones? Hey Hey, come on.
If you don't like 'em It's not that.
I'm sorry.
I just keep thinking all this If Martin was here, you know, he'd He'd be so proud of me.
Course he would.
Mega-proud.
He'd be looking down on you right now.
Shall I make us a cup of tea? Would you please? Thanks, Dan.
That's not leather.
No, but it's snazzy.
Dan's right.
You are having a crisis.
What's next? 26-year-old mistress? Hair transplant? Sun roof? So you don't like it? If you want to walk round York looking like a pillock, fine.
But I won't be walking with you.
Alright? Having fun? We're watching Screen Stars.
How funny is Stir Crazy, Dan? Hilarious.
Er, how has your day been, treacle? Absolutely bloody marvellous.
Kitchen.
Now! You OK, cheesecake? D'you want me to do anything? Yes, actually! Take Greg out for a pint, pronto.
Force him to get her back home because I'm not putting up with that for much longer! With what? Don't insult my intelligence and pretend you haven't noticed.
Noticed what? You're a man.
You noticed.
You could crack a walnut with that tush! Do you want me to make you a camomile tea? I tell you what I want.
Next time she invites you for a gigglefest wearing nothing but fanny skimming-up pants, do the right thing and just fuck off out! Alright, keep your hair on.
So she's fit.
Before you start, yes, I'd give her one.
You'd give Shelley one? If I was single.
That's disgusting.
But I'm not single.
I can understand Donna.
She looks great for 50-odd but Shelley? You fancied Richard Madeley.
So? You said you'd give him one.
If I was Judy's age and I was stuck in a lift.
See? This is different.
Richard is a fantasy.
She's stopping at our house and she's my boss.
And you're my wife.
Which is why I won't do anything about it, alright? I must admit, Dan, for a man who's reasonably attractive, you've got really cheap taste in women.
Hang on And for your information, before you try anything on, Shelley doesn't do beer guts! "Hiya, mate.
" Never mind "Hiya, mate.
" You and I need a chat.
Pronto.
I sent her a text.
What more can I do? A text? Yes.
You sent her a text? Yeah.
Why should I always be the one that goes creeping back to her? I tell you why you should go creeping back to her, shall I? Because she's your bleeding wife, for a start! And she's getting on my wife's tits! Alright? When someone gets on my wife's tits, my wife has to tell me about it! And before you know it, my wife's getting on my tits too! So, crucially, mate, and before you start, yes, you're my best mate, of that there is no doubt, but crucially, mate, as it stands, at the moment, in conclusion, you are getting right on MY tits! Are you with me? Bollocks! I'll take her out, shall I, see if I can talk her round? That, sunshine, will be a tremendous start.
I even checked his suit pocket in the wardrobe.
He only ever wears it for funerals.
And no one's snuffed it since my mum's Uncle Ray fell off the roof.
He hid a necklace for my 30th in the inside pocket.
Ah Oh, he's definitely forgotten.
Denise! Are you listening to me? Listening and typing? Ambitious, eh? Fergus has sent me an email.
I hope you told him to sling it, the bastard.
Just cos he's married doesn't make him a bastard.
He's winding you back in again.
He says, "So good to hear from you.
" "Please forgive me.
I can't bear it when we're not speaking.
" "So good to hear from you"? You said you'd never speak to him again.
I know.
But you got back in touch? Just a horny email.
He's a sucker for the word "moist".
I've had enough of this.
"Fun Times Dating.
" Website.
It's genius.
I put you on, I write your profile and I choose your dates.
Less chance of you being quite so picky, eh? Oh I don't know.
My house tonight.
I'll get Dan to help us.
Hmm Hello.
My princess Sex goddess.
Angel of the North.
Stunning ray of light in an otherwise dark and miserable existence.
What do you want, Greg? Just want to know how you are.
How do you think I am? Just answer the question.
How are you? Surviving.
Coping.
Muddling through.
You do what you have to, don't you? Why, how are you? You know me.
Lost a couple of pounds.
Nose hair's out of control.
Oh, no.
"I thought we could go out for a drink, talk it through.
" "You know, sit and overcomplicate everything, just how you like it.
" I'm trying to help you.
"Make you a better husband, keep you away from vice and sin.
" But we love vice and sin.
Greg "Meet me at the Dog & Dart.
I'll get you a lager and lime.
" You need to remember that I need looking after underneath all this.
Underneath comes later, sexy.
Dog & Dart.
Lager and lime.
Just because I'm a high flier doesn't mean I don't have vulnerabilities.
I can be fragile.
Don't make me beg, bitch.
What time do you want me? Give us a ring.
Yes, yes, yes! He's taking me out.
I'm meeting him this afternoon.
Fantastic.
Lisa, babes, there's a sale on at La Senza.
Can you take my 3 o'clock meeting with David? David? "Head office" David? "Four sugars in his coffee" David? "Won't look you in the eye" David? "Watches Newsnight" David? It's just sales figures.
You'll nail it.
How d'you know he watches Newsnight? I went to his room after the Christmas party.
To watch Newsnight? Well, no, but he put it on after I give him a nosh.
He sure as hell looks me in the eye.
Coffee? Who doesn't go to the pub, for fuck's sake? Or throw the odd fiver on a horse every now and again? She knows I'll never be a suit boy or an office tart.
She'll chill out after a few days.
They always do.
You'll have to use your 50-50.
I already have.
Come on, a little bit of help, lads.
I'm on the last one.
Phone him, Dan.
Come on, Barry, answer.
Peace of the Middle East, kid.
Patron saint of Spain.
Teresa or Bernadette? Teresa.
Final answer.
D.
Thanks, Bazza! Babes! It's not what it looks like.
Save your breath, you idiot.
Where are you going? Home.
Oh, great.
What am I meant to do now? Chocolates.
Flowers.
Use your imagination.
OK.
I can choose you any fella I like.
Well, not a caretaker or someone with a dicky eye.
Shut it.
If we're gonna do this, we do it properly - following my rules.
You wouldn't shag someone with a dicky eye, would you? Would you, Dan? Don't involve him.
He lost his virginity to Mariella Spencer and she had hairy nipples.
No worse than you going out with Pete Parsnage.
Nothing wrong with Pete Parsnage.
Apart from the fact he had a missing bollock.
Don't be mean.
Took me a long time to get over Pete Parsnage.
How long exactly? Like it matters.
It's in the past.
Are you over him now? Leave it, Dan.
It's a reasonable question.
I said, leave it! "Attractive, fun-loving, great job, big heart, good sense of humour, seeks nice guy to go out and have fun with.
" That's all fantastic.
It says, "Rate your mate's intelligence on a scale of 1 to 10.
" HND in Leisure Studies.
I'll put six.
Rate your mate's sense of humour.
No one gives a toss about that.
They must do.
Blokes don't.
Vital statistics, that's what men want to know.
There's no such thing as vital statistics any more.
Alright, then, size of tits.
Put "voluptuous.
" Doesn't mention size of tits.
Come on, Dan, rate my sense of humour.
Seven drunk, three sober.
Eight is better.
Everybody wants someone who's a laugh, don't they? Ah, here we are.
"Rate your mate's attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10.
" Well? Dan? Like you said, you're a bloke.
Scale of 1 to 10.
Come on, Dan, just say it.
I won't be offended.
Promise.
Come on, you wuss! A fuckin' nine! You think Denise is a fuckin' nine? What would you rate me, then? Ten.
Obviously.
One above Denise? I'm your bleedin' wife, Dan.
Shouldn't there be more than one point between us? I was trying to be nice to her.
Bullshit.
It's not just about looks.
You think we're that base? What else is it about? This I cannot wait to hear.
Good in bed, good cook I dunno.
Women died for liberation.
You just care about your belly and widge! How'd you do it? What? Twist everything.
Just tell me the truth, Dan.
Do you fancy Denise? No.
But you gave her a nine.
It's only a stupid dating site.
I don't believe this.
As if it's not enough, you leching after Miss Skimpy Knickers.
Then you get a lob on watching Shelley parade her undercarriage.
And now you admit you want to sleep with Denise.
Didn't have a lob on.
You're not denying you want to sleep with her.
Put a fuckin' sock in it! What? You heard.
How dare you.
Since when did you become my mother.
You heard yourself? "How dare you.
" Did you know that men who are constantly accused of cheating are 45% more likely to do so if their wives don't stop going on about it.
Bullshit.
No, it's not.
I read it.
In Nuts.
And I'm starting to understand where those men are coming from.
Where are you going? Out! You may be right.
I may be having a crisis.
I'm not bothered about the hair transplant but I definitely fancy the sun roof.
What about the 26-year-old? What would I do with a 26-year-old? I can't imagine.
What would we have to talk about for a start? I'll stop interfering, shall I, and let you just get on with it, if you'd rather me go for the leather? Thanks, love.
I really didn't mean to go on about it but you know what I'm like when I dig my heels in.
There's nothing wrong with being assertive.
A woman likes a man to be a man.
But she also likes him to dress smart when they go on a coach trip together Just remember that next time.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
On a scale of 1 to 10, I think you're a 20.
Ah.
Do you? Fancy a chocolate? Fancy a shag? Works every time.
Alright, babes? Yeah.
You? Good, thanks.
What? Nothing.
Sorry.
Late.
Well, what did he get you? Oh, no.
Do you want to talk about it? Do I look like I want to talk about it? Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
Right, lady Let's start choosing you some dates.
Actually, I've been thinking about all this.
What now? I just don't think it's really my thing.
You're 19.
How can picking fit fellas not be your thing? Morning, ladies.
Working hard? Or hardly working? Dare I ask? No one else compares, do they? What? To him.
That's why you can't go on a date with any of those gorgeous men without picking at them, isn't it? He's the only man I've ever loved, Lisa.
It actually hurts, you know, when I think about him.
Right here in my belly.
Do you really think you're the first one he's ever had? Don't you think he might have another one at the Liverpool branch? Or that trollop from the Chester office? The one that fell down the stairs at the Christmas do, the one with the eyebrows.
Just cos Dan's forgotten your anniversary doesn't mean you can take it out on me.
I'll take that too.
Right, you.
This is a man hunt.
Fireman, 28.
Name? Herbert.
Forget it.
Peter, 32, gynaecologist.
Rule of thumb - never date a man who's seen 1,000 fannies.
Hm, she's right.
My taxi's here.
Talia, my car won't be ready till the morning, so when you've done that, nip into town, pick up my dry-cleaning the ticket's in the kitchen.
Legal slavery this is.
I should write to Anne Robinson.
Oh, this one's nice.
Jack, 30, accountant.
Accountant? Tight-fisted.
I wanna be made to feel special, Lisa.
Will you stop it? How will you find a man behaving like this, fussy cow? She's particular, not fussy.
Thank you, Shelley.
It's only a date.
You don't understand.
It's embarrassing sitting in a restaurant waiting for him to come through the door.
Pleading with God he likes Katy Perry, not Kings of friggin' Leon! I just want you to give him a chance, the poor bloke.
Tell you what, you're so sure, you go and meet him.
Excuse me, she's married.
Only to Dan, though.
Talia, dry-cleaning.
Communism is exploitation of the strong by the weak, by the way, in case you're ever asked.
Dan won't mind.
He won't even know.
He did forget your anniversary.
True.
Bastard.
You could try him out for me.
You'll soon see what it's like.
If it's OK, I'll take over.
Alright, I'm coming.
Here you go.
Bet you any money you hate it, hate him.
Hi.
Oh, that Um, the heating's not on.
Won't you get cold? I am going home, Dan.
Greg's on his way to come and pick me up.
Smashing.
Where's Lisa? Er, oh, meeting.
She won't be long.
Just doing a demo for a bunch of BT drones.
Cheers.
No Right, find out his salary, his car, where he holidays, his upbringing.
Whether he's a perv.
Wish me luck.
Denise? Yes.
It's Jack.
Thought so.
Er, sorry.
Bag of nerves.
Oh, no need to apologise.
You look stunning.
Fuck off.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Stunning? You're being silly.
I'm not.
You do.
You are.
Thanks.
Is this OK? Chardonnay? Favourite, actually.
Mine too.
Blimey.
So, what about me? Will I do? Yeah.
Course.
Ish.
I'd get rid It's all a bit '70s catalogue model.
You're joking? No.
Really.
Lose it.
Did you come on the bus? No, I've got a car.
Really? Yeah.
Really.
Is it a 4x4? Yes.
Oh! I got a taxi.
Nice.
You know, us women are quite easy to please.
Bit of charm, nice flowers.
I thought they'd be a good move.
What? Don't start.
He just needed a hand.
You know the score.
So they are practically from you? Here's Greg! Thank fuck for that.
Hiya, gorgeous.
Yes! Did you have anything nice for your tea tonight? Salmon.
Oh, very posh.
I like salmon.
Got minds of their own, haven't they? You must be very independent if you like seafood.
You have to be independent if you're single.
Can I ask you something personal? Go on, then.
You're not kinky, are you? What? You're not into any of that dodgy stuff? You know? Belts round necks, shoving an orange in your mouth, for that matter, or a mixture of the two, even.
Imagine that.
I think I'd better go.
Oh.
No, please don't go.
I didn't mean to offend, honest.
I don't normally do this sort of thing It's really hard knowing what to ask first, isn't it? Oh, God.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm not very good at this, am I? Maybe I should go.
You stay.
Enjoy the wine.
Don't worry.
Stay.
Look, just try and relax and let's just have a laugh, shall we? A laugh Right.
That'd be lovely.
What does your mum do, Jack? Sorry? Does she work? Is she a professional? No, she's dead.
Oh, bugger.
How? Suicide.
What about your dad? What about him? Is he dead? No.
Oh, good.
Is he a professional? No, he's a paraplegic.
My first Saturday job was working with paraplegics and underneath they're actually very nice people.
What? I'm sorry.
I'm winding you up.
Oh! My husband does that to me all the time! Ha, got you! Oh You're lovely, you are.
Hello.
Lisa? Kate! Hi.
Aren't you going to introduce me? Jack, Kate.
Kate, Jack.
Kate's an old friend.
We used to hang out at the pub together, the Dog & Dart.
Do you know it? Can't say I do.
Nice to meet you, Jack.
So how do you two know each other? Old mates.
We go way back.
We used to work together.
Looking after paraplegics.
How nice.
I'm sorry, Kate.
I'm running late.
It's lovely to see you.
And you, Jack.
Right, go and explain, will you? I'm in enough trouble as it is.
I'm so sorry! I just assumed you'd forgot.
Who told you it was tin? What? The vase.
Brilliant! It was my mum, wasn't it? Er Shh! Don't say a word.
Come on.
Hi, hello.
Spaniel's ears, the minute the bra's off, guarantee it.
Lisa.
Lisa! Lisa, you're not gonna believe this.
Su Pollard is following me on Twitter Oh.
You having a coffee, Sue? Yeah, why not? Let's go wild.
Yo, kids! Hey, what's crackalackin'? Hm, nice jacket, Bazza.
Ooh.
And who's that great hunk of spunk next door? You kept that quiet.
Mum! Bianca's got her claws in already, I noticed.
Oh, the new neighbour.
I forgot.
Trust Skimpy Knickers to get in there first.
Let's go and introduce ourselves.
Now? Yes, now.
Thank you, love.
Hello.
Hi.
It's Lisa.
Lisa is pregnant.
Go get it! Come here, my little pilchard.
What do you think? Everyone thinks I'm fat? Pregnant.
It's a secret.
My lips are sealed.
They said they're looking into his death.
What? Is this a bad time? Why would it be a bad time? Get a fuckin' grip.