Mr Bigstuff (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
'The following program me contains
strong language and adult humour.'
That right?
I think so.
Uh-huh? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah? Mm.
Yeah. Yeah?
Ooh, yeah. Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah?
Mmm. Yeah?
Mmm. Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah?
Yeah.
Sorry, love. Oh,
don't say sorry, Glen.
Sorry. No, don't say sorry.
Just
You know, because you
just thought you might
like it in public.
So Yeah, I don't
I think I wasn't picturing,
like round the back of Halfords?
No, well, OK, yeah.
It has been, erm It has been
quite a while, hasn't it, now?
Has it?
Yeah. It's not been
since Center Parcs, Glen.
Right.
Yeah, no, that that
is quite a Mmm.
I think, you know what it is?
It's probably just
stress, you know. Yeah.
Trying to get the promotion,
all that sort of Yeah.
It's a blip! It's a blip!
It's a blip, yeah. It
is, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.
Mm.
I should probably get to work.
Yeah. Yes.
Hey. 100 days
and I shall thee wed.
Pop your penis away, Glen. Oh!
Alright. Love you.
Love you! Yeah.
Hi, there. Welcome to World Of
Carpets at Loughton Retail Village!
My name's Glen. How can
I be helping you today?
Well I erm
WE er erm Say no more!
Let me show you around.
Sandstone, three-pile,
two-blend twist.
Durable, luxurious and
- don't pass it around -
but I'M getting it for
my high-traffic areas.
My absolute top of the
pops. What do we think?
Erm, maybe we'll go
and think about it.
I get it.
Sorry?
It's a bloody carpet. And,
Christ, it's expensive.
The whole house metreage, then with
underlay and installation it's
Honestly?
You can't get what you're
wanting. Not for your budget.
But what you can
do is this
Berber low-pile. In your hallway,
looks just like natural fibres.
Pay that bit more for a quality
underlay and it'll feel as good too.
I won't tell if you won't.
'I know a man that can make you
disappear in seven different countries.'
Ah, Ian, Ian! Hi, I
was wondering- Big Man!
Yeah. Uh, I was- Ah, the
old kneel 'n feel, eh? Nice.
Yeah. I was wondering if we
might have that chat today,
about the assistant manager-
Er, da-da-da, sh-shh.
GUNFIRE) Ah-ah-ah.
Yeah
Have you seen this geezer?
Glen Campbell.
Like the country singer.
He works here.
I just want a "yes" or "no".
That's all I want, my darling.
I'm on work experience.
I'll get the manager.
Right! Oh! Let's take
a look at these prices.
I think you
might be pleasantly surp-
It's like candyfloss.
Should be here soon
Where do you get this? I want
one. Hi, there. Can I help?
Yes. Have you seen him?
Oops! Sorry?
Verboten! What?
Gonna have to ask you to finish
that outside. Company policy.
Get a lot of piss
heads in here, do ya?
Getting off their
nut over by the lino?
Right. Very good. Now-
See, for all he knows, I've come
in here to buy his whole stock
and he's straight in with
the fucking regulations.
Right, that's quite enough! I'm
gonna have to ask you to leave.
Yeah, well, asking me is
ONE thing but making me
is another thing
altogether, you bald cunt.
Fuck.
Are you alright?
Erm Erm, yeah.
I'll actually just
just leave you in
Brian's very capable hands.
Ooh! Sorry.
Leave this store
immediately. Don't touch me.
Come along! Ahh!
Have you seen him?
Fuck.
Hi, Roger!
Fuuu-
What are you doing here?
I came back to get my
sandwiches. Why are you
Well, I mean, I got erm
I got sent home
from work, didn't I?
For the day. What? Why?
Because there was a gas
leak. What, in the whole-
Yeah. In the whole office. Yeah.
And Linda Linda's
actually fainted.
So Oh, bloody hell.
Yeah. Get in then, you swine!
Yeah, alright,
yeah. Get in here!
Have you seen? Direct
debits have gone in.
Oh, my God! 15 grand!
We're only 2K off!
Dream wedding, here we come.
Kirsty, not in the bed.
Mum's gonna be so pleased. She can get that
poached salmon she's been banging on about.
Yeah, erm, right, erm, sorry-
Actually, Glen, it
definitely IS her.
Ever since we've given her a
key, we've been going through ham
at an unprecedented rate.
Yeah. I DID think so-
Hang on. You took them. Hmm?
This morning. You took them.
I put them in your rucksack?
Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But I just I wanted more.
More sandwiches?
OK, well, that's an awful
lot of gluten, Glen.
Hey, hey! So what we should
do is celebrate, shouldn't we?
Celebrate what? Celebrate
the wedding fund.
You know, yeah, tonight,
maybe get a takeaway,
splash out a bit. Alright.
Yeah, maybe get your favourite
- Tastes Of The World.
What?! Even though it's a
Logistical nightmaaaare?
Logistical nightmaaaare ♪
Aw, yeah!
And then maybe after, we can,
like make an evening of it.
What? Yeah. Yeah!
So, Linda actually
fainted- Or we could
Hm? What? Y'know. Now.
You mean? Only
if you wanted to.
No. Yeah, yeah. Yeah! Yeah?
Sorry, I mean, I WAS just here to
get my ham sandwiches but-Yeah.
About five minutes? Er
ten ten minutes, yeah.
Yeah. OK.
Mm. Yep.
Kirst, what's in this water?
Oh, no. Oh, no. No. What?
I'm so sorry! What is it?!
No, I didn't mean for
you to drink it, did I?
What is it? I didn't
mean for you to drink it.
OK, because this morning I woke
up and I was really phlegmy-
Oh, my God, Kirsty!
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry! I didn't
mean for you to drink it-
I can feel it going
down! I'm so sorry.
It's sliding down my gullet,
Kirst- Alright, alright!
Calm down, knobhead. I'll
make you a cup of tea.
Take the taste away.
Oh
Kirst?
I'm calling the police! No,
no, don't do that, love.
Tell her. Tell me what, Glen?
'Scuse me for not standing.
My sciatica was killing me.
Cos I've been on my
trotters all day,
looking for a certain little
twat with a nutty haircut.
Oh, my God! Does he mean YOU?
Why's he saying that? Any
chance of a nice cup of tea?
Kirsty, no, no. What? What's
happening? Is it drugs?
It's drugs, isn't
it? It's drugs!
Leave off! I don't think
crackheads come in beige, do you?
Are you gonna introduce
me or what? No!
Agh! No!
Kirsty, fetch the pepper
spray! What the fuck is that?
Go on, get it, Kirsty!
Get it! I'm getting it!
Are you gonna plunge me
with the objet d'art?
Sorry. I'm sorry, Lee.
But you cannot be here-
It's a bit late for that. Listen-
No, no. I don't want to listen.
I just wanna ask you- No! Now
get out of my fucking house!
Oh, for fuck's sake! I just
want to talk to you, Glen!
You know each other?
No, not really, no.
Oh, "not really"?
We We used
to "We used to"?
Not, not, not, not
any more, actually.
Jesus Christ, you
really ARE a turd.
Spray him, Glen! I
can't get the top off.
Fuck me!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Canvey Island Holiday Park, '94.
No, no,
take your time.
Take your time. Come on, Glen!
I'm trying! I'm
trying!
Ahhh!
Yeah, alright. I know
where I'm not wanted.
Nice to meet you, my darling.
You keep a lovely home.
What?
That's enough from
you, thanks. Get out!
Oh, dear. And don't
come here again!
Yeah, that's it!
and don't pass it on, but I'm getting
it myself on my high-traffic areas.
My absolute pop of the
top Pop of the
Pop of the Pop
Pop Glen, mate!
You see what happened this
morning with that geezer and Ian?
I'm a bit busy, Aysha.
Honestly, fuck my life,
the one time I'm doing work
and I miss him
getting shanked up.
My neck,
my back Who's this now?
Lick my pussy ♪
Yo!
I'm I'm really sorry.
OK. Let's talk
underlay- Da-fuck?!
Bro, we was literally
just talking about you!
Yeah, he's here. Yeah, one sec.
Ian, innit.
Hello?
'Glen! You need to
come immediately.'
What? Where?
Ian? Ian, what's going on?
'Oh, God! I'm sorry. I
I don't know! I don't know!
I can't do this! I-'
'For fuck's sake,
just give me the phone!
Give it here.'
Lovin' your gilet.
'Dagenham, by the
water, where he died.
You know the spot.'
No!
No! Stop! Wait! Wait!
No! No! Stop!
Don't do it!
Do what? Well
Ki Kill him?
Kill him?
I've just given him a
cheese twist and a flapjack.
Hello, Glen.
Oh, my God, you bound him?
Well, he did struggle
initially. Only initially.
Ian, I am so sorry. Ian
But we've been getting on.
And it turns out
he's a lovely fella.
Thank you! Christ,
it's double layered!
He's been opening up
about his marriage.
Sheila and me are going
through a bit of a rough patch.
Yeah, which YOU'D know,
if you'd bothered to ask.
Is he drunk?
Just to grease the wheels. My
wheels are fuckin' greasy!
Oh, my God.
Why would you do this?
I just wanted to get your
attention. My attention?
By kidnapping my boss?! Do
you think that's reasonable?
Think that's normal?
Here we go, look.
Old Panickin' Skywalker.
I told you, didn't I?
Right. Well, everyone's
having a lovely time here.
So I'll just be off. Oh, Glen.
Glen, don't be like that. Glen!
Glen!
Glen! Glen, look you're getting
all mud on your trotters! Look!
I just want to ask
you a question!
No! What?
I don't want to hear
your question. I refuse.
Why? Because
No.
No, no. I've got
a nice life now.
And I won't have it dragged
down into whatever bloody
After eight years, what gives you
the bloody right to come here-
For fuck's sake,
I'm your brother!
No way!
Some brother!
Well, YOU'RE the one
who fucked off to Essex!
How dare you!
I was
I stayed for her, yeah, while you
were off doing fuck knows what!
Oh, here we go!
Yeah. Every day.
Feeding her and getting
her tablets all
You didn't even have
the decency- Fine!
Forget it.
Hang on.
Sorry, Ian. I'm sorry
you had to hear all that.
Not a problem. I do sort
of need a wee, though.
Come on, then. What is it?
What do you want to ask me?
Don't worry. You said you
didn't want to hear it.
I DO. I DO want to hear it.
And Ian does, too, don't you?
Well, actually, my bladder-
What is it? Come on.
You've come all this way.
You've gone to all this trouble.
You've brought me to
the spot where Dad died.
It's obviously important to
you. Come on, ask me a question!
You got Steve's number?
Steve? Steve.
Steve?! Steve.
Your Uncle Steve.
Except not by blood. But,
you know, Steve Drummond.
You just want Well, he's
your god-dad, ain't he?
You know, I just thought
you'd know where he is.
Lost touch with him.
I miss the cunt.
But I thought, erm
No, no, I don't have it.
Right.
Fuck.
Well. You, er You
look after yourself.
And if you do hear from him,
you WILL let me know, won't ya?
Sure. Yeah. While you're
here, you better get Ian out.
Ooh, thank you.
Ian, I'm so sorry about
this. Let's get you out
Hang on. What's all this?
Leave that alone, Glen.
No Leave it
alone. Leave it-
Why have you got? Oh, my
God! Are you living in here?
It's just temporary, right,
until I sort meself out.
Hang on Hang on. Oh,
my You brought Dad?!
Put him back. Why
would you bring Dad?
Put him back where he was!
Why have you brought dad, Lee?
Doesn't matter why- Why
would you bring dad, Lee?
Put him back. Why have
you brought-No! No! No!
I'm not gonna ask you again!
Alright! Alright! Alright!
You can't sleep here.
You can stay at mine.
What? Yeah, a
couple of nights.
Get yourself sorted.
Find Steve, whatever.
You sure?
If you promise me there's
nothing dodgy going on.
Oh, fuck off! No, no,
no, I mean it! Promise.
Yeah, alright, I
promise. Oh, thank God.
No.
I want you to swear on Dad that
there's nothing bad why you're here.
I won't be doing that because
that's fucking ridiculous!
No, swear on Dad,
Lee. Fuck off, Glen!
Swear on Dad! No,
because I'm not 12!
Swear on Dad! Those are
the ashes of my father!
Swear on Dad, Lee! No!
Swear on Dad! No, I
won't swear on him! No!
Swear on Dad!
Swear on Dad! Swear on Dad, Lee!
God. Swear on Dad!
Swear on Dad!
Argh! Swear on Dad!
Fucking little prick!
Fucking mug!
Alright! ALRIGHT!
I swear. On Dad. Say it!
Alright! I fucking swear on Dad!
Fucking hell!
Argh!
That's for being a silly bitch.
You fucking
Everybody's Talkin'
I'll be right with you.
I didn't know
I had so much in me.
Nice gaff you've got,
though, Ian. Yeah, thank you.
What am I gonna say to Kirsty?
Who'd you say I
was after I left?
I said, erm
you'd worked for Dad's
haulage company, and
you'd lost your way and fallen
into a spiral of addiction, and
And? Well, yeah, I had to
think on my feet, didn't I?
What did you say? I
panicked, alright?
What did you say, Glen?
You worked in prostitution!
Fucking hell!
Cheers!
I didn't think you'd be
coming back, did I, so
And it's "sex worker", Glen.
Get your terms right.
Alright, I've got it.
We'll pick up a takeaway
- get her favourite.
What's her favourite?
Spring rolls, lamb bhuna and
a side of popcorn chicken.
It's a logistical nightmare
but it'll do the trick.
Sheila! Shove your throw
cushions up your arse!
Just charm her.
Say something nice
about her fringe.
Her fringe? It's
always the fringe.
You know, just say it like
it "really frames her face".
Something like that.
No, sorry. She's YOUR
fiancee. You know best.
You're a top man, Glen.
You're a bigger man than ME.
Not literally, obviously.
Probably cos Mum smoked while
she was pregnant. Fucking what?
There he is. Fuck off!
The old Angry Beaver.
Ah, you don't change,
you, do ya? Fuck you!
Oi! Get away from
my bin! Fuck you, Phil!
Wazzock!
Shall we
No. Let's go.
Sheila!
A promise I make,
a promise I make
Starting to take,
starting to take ♪
Alright, love! Sorry
I'm so late. Babe ♪
Look who's back in
town. My bloody
Rhinestone Cowboy ♪
She has
had a few drink, OK,
while she's been
waiting for you.
A little couple of glasses of
vino di rosso de tinto ma bebe.
Yeah. Ha-ha. Sorry, Kirst,
there's something I need to-
What is that? Tastes
Of The World, innit.
Eee
You got my favourite!
Even though it's a ♪
logistical nightmaaaaare ♪
Yeah, there's something I need to-
Cos you gotta get the poppadoms!
Kirsty, if I could-
No! No!
Alright? Glen! What the fu-
It's not, erm He's,
er- Why is he here?
This is Lee. Nice to meet ya.
He's gonna be staying
with us for a bit.
Are you fucking insane?!
He broke into our home!
What are you thinking?!
It's only for tonight. Glen,
you said he was a sex worker.
Told ya.
Kirsty, erm- Oh,
right! Oh, no!
Oh, is it Are you
two- Christ! No! No!
No, it's not that!
Fucking joking!
Oh, my God Kirsty!
Kirsty, Kirsty, Kirsty-
No! You get back!
You get back! Listen to
me. Kirsty, listen to me!
Kirsty! Kirsty! He's my brother!
OK.
OK, sure. Yeah, sure he is.
Because, you famously
have absolutely no family
and he looks oh, literally
nothing like you, Glen.
Oh, no, it's totally
plausible that he's your bro-
Remember?
What's he doing?
Canvey Island Talent Show, 1994.
Oh.
What?
You got the tunes?
You got the spoons?
Can somebody please tell me
what the fuck is going on?
Moving On Up
Right?
Cos I'm movin' on up
You're movin' on out
Movin' on up
Nothin' can stop me
Movin' on up
You're movin' on out
Time to break free
Nothin' can stop me
Movin'
Movin'
Movin'
Nothin' can stop me
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
I better get Dad on
the radiator. Yeah.
I'm I'm so sorry,
Kirsty, but
I got the poppadoms! ♪
Fuck you. Do you hear me?
I'm gone. So call them off.
It's over.
Yes, I'm comin' down
I keep meaning to
say, love, your, er
your fringe
really frames your face.
I'm comin' down,
down, down, down, down!
Comin' down with a heartache
I ain't sick but I got a fever
Blood pressure's running high
Pulse ain't right,
I can't sleep at night
And here's the reason why
I'm comin' down,
down, down, down, down!
Comin' down with a heartache ♪