Mr. Mom (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
[GREG.]
Here's the thing, son.
When you come to a closed door in life and there's nowhere else to go, you can either stand there and wait or take matters into your own hands.
[BOTH URINATING.]
And when you live with women, be happy you can pee outside.
- Okay.
- Oh.
We should probably wash our hands first.
[MEGAN.]
Babe, it's five till, coffee's ready.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Daddy.
Morning! Oh, what do we got? Uh-uh, that's for Hannah's bake sale.
- [GREG.]
Oh, this looks better - No, no.
- That's for the tofu chili.
- Tofu? Hannah's vegetarian.
When did that happen? - A month ago.
- A month ago.
Did you know that pigs are smarter than most three-year-olds? - Did you know that? - I did not know that.
But then let me ask you this, who's eating who? Gross! Mom.
He's teasing.
Oh, uh, I need to borrow Cruisin' Susan.
My car's still in the shop.
Oh, okay, but I need it back tomorrow, because someone has a job interview.
Oh, Hannah's too young to work full-time, we talked about this.
Do you remember my old coordinator, Riley? Apparently she started her own marketing agency and she wants to talk.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
- So you're getting serious about this? - I guess.
Should I buy the boat? [CHUCKLES.]
Settle down, captain, I haven't landed the dream job just yet.
What's a dream job? Uh, dream jobs are like Like unicorns.
Everyone likes to talk about them, but no one's actually seen one.
I can help you find one, Mom! Oh, I'm sure you could, honey.
But you know, it's It's not easy.
Well, don't get discouraged.
We'll hunt you down that unicorn, and make bacon out of him, huh? - Bye.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Bye.
Thanks, baby.
- Bye, guys.
- [HANNAH.]
Bye.
- Have a great day.
- Bye.
- Hmm.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, keys! Okay.
Gas tank's empty.
Too bad it doesn't run on key chains.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye.
- [KIDS.]
Bye.
- Have a good day! - Here? - Yeah.
A little more, a little more.
- Okay, there? Okay.
- Yeah, great.
[FAKE LAUGHTER.]
Okay, what's happening now? Uh, she's offering him a, uh, mint.
[JERRY.]
Oh.
A mint, that's a terrible sign.
In HR terms, it's a firing.
- What? - She was planning on him having dry-mouth.
Mint.
- Mint.
Mint.
- Oh.
I don't know.
I mean he's got - horrible breath.
- Well, he does.
- [GREG.]
I can smell it in the hallway.
- [JERRY.]
Mmm.
[GREG.]
His breath smells like a dumpster behind a poke place.
Do you wanna go there for lunch? - No.
- Trade with me, I wanna see.
- I can't trade, they'll see us.
- Please, come on, just do it.
I'm gonna look at those files, - How are we gonna do this? - I need to see those files.
- Oh, look at these files.
- Thank you.
- Look at these files, Jerry.
- Okay, okay, okay.
She just folded her arms.
- [GREG.]
That's Yeah.
- Oh, very stern.
I'm gonna guess that he embezzled massive amounts of money from the company.
- No! Martin? He's not a thief.
- Mmm-hmm.
Mmm.
[GREG.]
Martin once yelled at me for using a water cup to get soda at a fast-food place.
You do that? I I bet they're having an affair.
He's dumping her.
Martin? Ew.
I don't [GREG.]
Or maybe she's dumping him 'cause of his breath! [JERRY.]
Okay, well, she just pulled out a tissue.
She's blowing her nose! Hey.
It is an affair! - She's crying.
It's a breakup.
- Good on you, Greg.
Actually, no.
False alarm.
Sorry, she's not crying.
She's just blowing her nose.
- I think she has a cold.
- Oh! I shook her hand earlier! Oh, go wash.
Go wash.
- Okay.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- Go, go, go.
- Okay.
Okay.
Hey.
My boss is in a weird HR meeting behind closed doors.
Jerry thinks he embezzled money.
I'm going with an affair.
Okay, good, so you're doing nothing.
Uh, listen, I just got a text from Riley.
She has to meet me at 4:00 p.
m.
this afternoon and can't move it.
Can you come tag me out early and bring the car? Uh, I mean I suppose I could skip my goat yoga class.
"Goat yoga"? Okay, great, I'll see you at 3:30.
- Thank you.
- [GREG.]
Okay.
What'd I miss? Well, you forgot to indent here, and then the double spacing's off.
Why're you proofreading me? What's going on in the office? We're still on the clock.
All right, listen.
I need all your crayons picked up and put in the playroom.
Daddy has to start with a clean slate or else he falls apart.
Zack, are Why is there water all over the floor? - I don't know.
- Zack spilled his pee.
Are you wearing that? Spilled from what? Wait, you don't like this? I'm done, Greg.
It's over.
Your marriage? Makes sense.
- What? - What? No, the ad industry.
It's finished.
Television, radio? They're like dinosaurs eating stale popcorn - in a movie theater with only - [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- perverts left in it.
- Greg, it's okay.
We had a good run.
- Huh? A fine run.
- [STAMMERS.]
Wait, are you Are you firing me? No, I quit.
I'm firing myself.
So So what's going What's gonna happen to me? - - It's okay, I've heard "restructuring.
" I I've heard "downsizing.
" Downsizing means firing! It's a polite word for "firing"! You're gonna do fine.
Probably work here for a little while longer, get bored.
Quit, yourself! - Quit, myself? I - Greg.
You're a You're a good salesman.
Go out and sell yourself.
I mean not in that way, but, you know.
No, Martin, I can't switch careers right now.
I'm comfortable here.
[STAMMERS.]
I mean, I'm down to a three-suit rotation.
Oh, let me tell you a story about a little boy and his first suit.
- It was Christmas morning.
- [SIGHS.]
Little boy was eight years old.
He woke up, ran down the stairs, - - and right there - - Underneath the tree is this box, - - beautiful box.
The box was almost as nice as the suit.
Okay.
I'll be right over there where you can see me, okay? Daddy will be here in five minutes.
Just get me through this and And we'll get your ears pierced.
Okay? [DEEP BREATH.]
- Hi! - Oh, my God.
Hi.
Wow! You look great! - Really? - Yes.
Oh, my God! I've been so super stressed, I had to do a fasting retreat in Bali.
But now I'm back to my college weight, - so I feel really good about it.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I have missed you.
Ditto! How are you? Sexy MILF! Catch me up.
What do you have, like, five kids? Oh, gosh, no.
No, I just have two.
A five-year-old, and a three-year-old.
Wow.
Ooh, how's that going? [STAMMERS.]
You know, honestly, it's been great.
But you know, after six years I am ready to get back out there for sure.
I I just can't imagine.
I fostered a dog last year, and I had to give it back.
It was like, way too time-consuming! - [LAUGHS.]
- That's That's really hard.
- [RILEY.]
I know and it's only a dog! - Hey, look at you, guys! Ugh, so sorry.
Never own a company.
I'm literally putting out fires all day.
Yeah, that sounds just horrible.
What're you guys doing? I'm glad I got here before Child Services came and took you.
Let's see how Mommy's doing.
[RILEY.]
Okay, here we go.
I hate to be "that person" but I have another drinks meeting at 5:00, so we need to get right to it.
Okay, great.
Let's do it.
[GREG.]
Oh, here we go.
Look at Mommy about to get all big business up in here.
[HANNAH.]
Zack's pooping.
No, he's not.
Zack's a big boy.
He knows when to ask for the potty.
Ruby Kite is expanding and I need to bring on more talent.
- Oh.
- People I know.
You know, people I can trust.
He's making the face! I pooped! - You pooped? - Yeah.
Oh, that's okay.
He pooped.
That's all right.
Oh! Ugh! Oh, God.
Big blowout! We're gonna get through this.
- Ugh.
Blowout.
- Don't touch it! I don't want to, but I have to! Oh! [GRUNTING AND GROANING.]
Hannah, use the paper towel! Okay.
The smell is horrible! We're about to sign on this amazing new client, and my creative team is too thin.
You know, frankly they're just too green.
Listen, I I'm flattered that you would even consider me.
- Maybe in the fall, I could come on - I needed someone yesterday.
- Oh.
Yesterday.
- Yeah.
More paper towels, Hannah! More paper towels.
- Ah, just wave here.
- [SPUTTERING.]
[BEEPING.]
None of these motion sensors work! Who invented these things? I'm giving you the motion! I'm giving you the soap motion! That man didn't wash his hands! That man knows what he's doing.
This is really weird to be offering you a job.
- I know.
- But you know.
You know, just offer away Yeah, you know.
I'm just gonna write down something.
- Okay.
- You tell me what you think.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
And three, two Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
That's That's a one year Oh, yeah.
That's starting.
- That's starting.
- Yeah.
Come on, Megs.
Oh, God! I forgot the diaper bag! I can change that eight to a nine, if you say yes now.
That makes it more difficult to say no - [CHUCKLES.]
I'll tell you that much.
- [RILEY.]
Uh-huh, uh-huh Um, that's a nice - I like that nu Oh.
Um - So Let's collect our things.
"Yes"? I need to just take a quick minute.
Okay, I'll just Give me one I'm gonna take this with me.
- Don't take too long.
- [MEGAN.]
Yeah, no, no.
- I'll be right back.
- Ugh Hi, guys.
Daddy smells! Yeah.
How's it going, Daddy, you okay? You cool? [DEEP BREATH.]
I've been better.
[MEGAN.]
Yeah.
That looked pretty bad.
Well, I have some interesting news.
They're never gonna let us in there again? Apparently, unicorns do exist.
- That That's amazing.
- I know.
- Is this real? - Yeah.
I know Ooh! Ooh! - Well You, you - No! No, don't - Okay.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
We could afford dry-cleaning! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
What about the kids? [SIGHS.]
[ZACK.]
I pooped.
Here's the thing, son.
When you come to a closed door in life and there's nowhere else to go, you can either stand there and wait or take matters into your own hands.
[BOTH URINATING.]
And when you live with women, be happy you can pee outside.
- Okay.
- Oh.
We should probably wash our hands first.
[MEGAN.]
Babe, it's five till, coffee's ready.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Daddy.
Morning! Oh, what do we got? Uh-uh, that's for Hannah's bake sale.
- [GREG.]
Oh, this looks better - No, no.
- That's for the tofu chili.
- Tofu? Hannah's vegetarian.
When did that happen? - A month ago.
- A month ago.
Did you know that pigs are smarter than most three-year-olds? - Did you know that? - I did not know that.
But then let me ask you this, who's eating who? Gross! Mom.
He's teasing.
Oh, uh, I need to borrow Cruisin' Susan.
My car's still in the shop.
Oh, okay, but I need it back tomorrow, because someone has a job interview.
Oh, Hannah's too young to work full-time, we talked about this.
Do you remember my old coordinator, Riley? Apparently she started her own marketing agency and she wants to talk.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
- So you're getting serious about this? - I guess.
Should I buy the boat? [CHUCKLES.]
Settle down, captain, I haven't landed the dream job just yet.
What's a dream job? Uh, dream jobs are like Like unicorns.
Everyone likes to talk about them, but no one's actually seen one.
I can help you find one, Mom! Oh, I'm sure you could, honey.
But you know, it's It's not easy.
Well, don't get discouraged.
We'll hunt you down that unicorn, and make bacon out of him, huh? - Bye.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Bye.
Thanks, baby.
- Bye, guys.
- [HANNAH.]
Bye.
- Have a great day.
- Bye.
- Hmm.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, keys! Okay.
Gas tank's empty.
Too bad it doesn't run on key chains.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye.
- [KIDS.]
Bye.
- Have a good day! - Here? - Yeah.
A little more, a little more.
- Okay, there? Okay.
- Yeah, great.
[FAKE LAUGHTER.]
Okay, what's happening now? Uh, she's offering him a, uh, mint.
[JERRY.]
Oh.
A mint, that's a terrible sign.
In HR terms, it's a firing.
- What? - She was planning on him having dry-mouth.
Mint.
- Mint.
Mint.
- Oh.
I don't know.
I mean he's got - horrible breath.
- Well, he does.
- [GREG.]
I can smell it in the hallway.
- [JERRY.]
Mmm.
[GREG.]
His breath smells like a dumpster behind a poke place.
Do you wanna go there for lunch? - No.
- Trade with me, I wanna see.
- I can't trade, they'll see us.
- Please, come on, just do it.
I'm gonna look at those files, - How are we gonna do this? - I need to see those files.
- Oh, look at these files.
- Thank you.
- Look at these files, Jerry.
- Okay, okay, okay.
She just folded her arms.
- [GREG.]
That's Yeah.
- Oh, very stern.
I'm gonna guess that he embezzled massive amounts of money from the company.
- No! Martin? He's not a thief.
- Mmm-hmm.
Mmm.
[GREG.]
Martin once yelled at me for using a water cup to get soda at a fast-food place.
You do that? I I bet they're having an affair.
He's dumping her.
Martin? Ew.
I don't [GREG.]
Or maybe she's dumping him 'cause of his breath! [JERRY.]
Okay, well, she just pulled out a tissue.
She's blowing her nose! Hey.
It is an affair! - She's crying.
It's a breakup.
- Good on you, Greg.
Actually, no.
False alarm.
Sorry, she's not crying.
She's just blowing her nose.
- I think she has a cold.
- Oh! I shook her hand earlier! Oh, go wash.
Go wash.
- Okay.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- Go, go, go.
- Okay.
Okay.
Hey.
My boss is in a weird HR meeting behind closed doors.
Jerry thinks he embezzled money.
I'm going with an affair.
Okay, good, so you're doing nothing.
Uh, listen, I just got a text from Riley.
She has to meet me at 4:00 p.
m.
this afternoon and can't move it.
Can you come tag me out early and bring the car? Uh, I mean I suppose I could skip my goat yoga class.
"Goat yoga"? Okay, great, I'll see you at 3:30.
- Thank you.
- [GREG.]
Okay.
What'd I miss? Well, you forgot to indent here, and then the double spacing's off.
Why're you proofreading me? What's going on in the office? We're still on the clock.
All right, listen.
I need all your crayons picked up and put in the playroom.
Daddy has to start with a clean slate or else he falls apart.
Zack, are Why is there water all over the floor? - I don't know.
- Zack spilled his pee.
Are you wearing that? Spilled from what? Wait, you don't like this? I'm done, Greg.
It's over.
Your marriage? Makes sense.
- What? - What? No, the ad industry.
It's finished.
Television, radio? They're like dinosaurs eating stale popcorn - in a movie theater with only - [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- perverts left in it.
- Greg, it's okay.
We had a good run.
- Huh? A fine run.
- [STAMMERS.]
Wait, are you Are you firing me? No, I quit.
I'm firing myself.
So So what's going What's gonna happen to me? - - It's okay, I've heard "restructuring.
" I I've heard "downsizing.
" Downsizing means firing! It's a polite word for "firing"! You're gonna do fine.
Probably work here for a little while longer, get bored.
Quit, yourself! - Quit, myself? I - Greg.
You're a You're a good salesman.
Go out and sell yourself.
I mean not in that way, but, you know.
No, Martin, I can't switch careers right now.
I'm comfortable here.
[STAMMERS.]
I mean, I'm down to a three-suit rotation.
Oh, let me tell you a story about a little boy and his first suit.
- It was Christmas morning.
- [SIGHS.]
Little boy was eight years old.
He woke up, ran down the stairs, - - and right there - - Underneath the tree is this box, - - beautiful box.
The box was almost as nice as the suit.
Okay.
I'll be right over there where you can see me, okay? Daddy will be here in five minutes.
Just get me through this and And we'll get your ears pierced.
Okay? [DEEP BREATH.]
- Hi! - Oh, my God.
Hi.
Wow! You look great! - Really? - Yes.
Oh, my God! I've been so super stressed, I had to do a fasting retreat in Bali.
But now I'm back to my college weight, - so I feel really good about it.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I have missed you.
Ditto! How are you? Sexy MILF! Catch me up.
What do you have, like, five kids? Oh, gosh, no.
No, I just have two.
A five-year-old, and a three-year-old.
Wow.
Ooh, how's that going? [STAMMERS.]
You know, honestly, it's been great.
But you know, after six years I am ready to get back out there for sure.
I I just can't imagine.
I fostered a dog last year, and I had to give it back.
It was like, way too time-consuming! - [LAUGHS.]
- That's That's really hard.
- [RILEY.]
I know and it's only a dog! - Hey, look at you, guys! Ugh, so sorry.
Never own a company.
I'm literally putting out fires all day.
Yeah, that sounds just horrible.
What're you guys doing? I'm glad I got here before Child Services came and took you.
Let's see how Mommy's doing.
[RILEY.]
Okay, here we go.
I hate to be "that person" but I have another drinks meeting at 5:00, so we need to get right to it.
Okay, great.
Let's do it.
[GREG.]
Oh, here we go.
Look at Mommy about to get all big business up in here.
[HANNAH.]
Zack's pooping.
No, he's not.
Zack's a big boy.
He knows when to ask for the potty.
Ruby Kite is expanding and I need to bring on more talent.
- Oh.
- People I know.
You know, people I can trust.
He's making the face! I pooped! - You pooped? - Yeah.
Oh, that's okay.
He pooped.
That's all right.
Oh! Ugh! Oh, God.
Big blowout! We're gonna get through this.
- Ugh.
Blowout.
- Don't touch it! I don't want to, but I have to! Oh! [GRUNTING AND GROANING.]
Hannah, use the paper towel! Okay.
The smell is horrible! We're about to sign on this amazing new client, and my creative team is too thin.
You know, frankly they're just too green.
Listen, I I'm flattered that you would even consider me.
- Maybe in the fall, I could come on - I needed someone yesterday.
- Oh.
Yesterday.
- Yeah.
More paper towels, Hannah! More paper towels.
- Ah, just wave here.
- [SPUTTERING.]
[BEEPING.]
None of these motion sensors work! Who invented these things? I'm giving you the motion! I'm giving you the soap motion! That man didn't wash his hands! That man knows what he's doing.
This is really weird to be offering you a job.
- I know.
- But you know.
You know, just offer away Yeah, you know.
I'm just gonna write down something.
- Okay.
- You tell me what you think.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
And three, two Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
That's That's a one year Oh, yeah.
That's starting.
- That's starting.
- Yeah.
Come on, Megs.
Oh, God! I forgot the diaper bag! I can change that eight to a nine, if you say yes now.
That makes it more difficult to say no - [CHUCKLES.]
I'll tell you that much.
- [RILEY.]
Uh-huh, uh-huh Um, that's a nice - I like that nu Oh.
Um - So Let's collect our things.
"Yes"? I need to just take a quick minute.
Okay, I'll just Give me one I'm gonna take this with me.
- Don't take too long.
- [MEGAN.]
Yeah, no, no.
- I'll be right back.
- Ugh Hi, guys.
Daddy smells! Yeah.
How's it going, Daddy, you okay? You cool? [DEEP BREATH.]
I've been better.
[MEGAN.]
Yeah.
That looked pretty bad.
Well, I have some interesting news.
They're never gonna let us in there again? Apparently, unicorns do exist.
- That That's amazing.
- I know.
- Is this real? - Yeah.
I know Ooh! Ooh! - Well You, you - No! No, don't - Okay.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
We could afford dry-cleaning! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
What about the kids? [SIGHS.]
[ZACK.]
I pooped.