Mr. Robinson (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Y'all having a good time? [cheers and applause.]
This next song, called Chocolate Muffins, it is not I repeat, it is not a double entendre.
(backup singers) Not Not if you're thinking sexually.
If you would show me your chocolate muffins I could add my sprinkles and icing I will be your baker, baby I could love you so long and so nicely I will mix your batter with my big wooden spoon Make you forget the other baker He would be home soon Oh, chocolate muffins It's time to bake Oh, when I say, "Preheat," you say, "Oven" - Preheat - Oven - Preheat - Oven Damn, girl, it's getting hot in here From all this preheating It's time for my favorite part It's time for the icing, baby Don't lick the bowl, baby It tickles, but it makes me feel weird Chocolate muffins I think I, I think I, I think I, I think I Oh, I don't believe it.
Band, break it down.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special lady in the house tonight.
I love you, Craig! Not you, baby.
Her name is Victoria (band) Victoria Haven't seen her since high school.
She used to use to wear the key earring in her ear like Janet Jackson, yeah.
[laughs.]
Can I come talk to you? Is it okay if I come talk to you right now? Victoria, can I come talk to you right now? You gonna stay right there? Wait for me, baby.
Wait for me, baby, here I come to talk to you Hey, my name is Craig Robinson.
And I'm Ben Robinson.
And we are The Nasty Delicious.
- And we'll - Be - Right all: Back [cheers and applause.]
(man) Mr.
Robinson Mr.
Robinson Victoria Wavers.
Mm! Ooh! The girl that got away.
Craig Robinson, the guy who stood me up for prom.
Come on; you're not still upset about that.
Oh, no, not at all.
I was able to wear that dress a lot of places.
Oh, you want to see pictures of me and my dad slow-dancing? It's not sad at all.
Hey, I apologized for that.
- Did you? - Yes.
"Girl, why you trippin'?" That's an apology? Why don't you let me buy you an "I'm sorry" drink? Oh, I don't think they make glasses that big.
[laughs.]
Tell me what you been up to all these years.
Uh, okay.
Um, went to Princeton, Wall Street.
Made a lot of money, wanted to give back, and now I'm teaching English at Studs Terkel.
- Our old high school.
- Yeah.
That's crazy.
I do some substitute music teaching around town when I'm broke.
I like it.
Teaching, not being broke.
Well, maybe we'll run into each other when you run out of money.
I'm out of money right now.
[laughs.]
Bye, Craig.
[chuckles.]
(Ben) Victoria Wavers.
Whoo, she grew up fine.
That booty and those eyes.
And that booty.
Man, you really blew it by standing her up for prom.
I know, B.
She's smart and funny and mad successful.
The only reason I stood her up was 'cause it was our band's first paying gig.
I had to take that shot.
I always wanted to make thing right with her, though.
You want to get a girl like that back, know what you got to do? You got to do something unexpected, like the time I climbed up Theresa's balcony.
She shot at you.
Yeah, but I got some.
You get her number? No.
But I do know where she works.
You know what you do? You should hide under her desk and pop out like a jack-in-the-box.
Surprise, bitch! I'm here to surprise you! Surprise! I probably won't hide or jump or curse at her.
The kids in my math class think they're so clever.
The kids in my chemistry class think the atomic weight of beryllium is 1.
816.
Idiots.
I asked them what weighs more, 1 ton of metal or 2,000 pounds of wood.
This kid wrote, "My penis weighs more" and drew a picture of it.
Well, if that's to scale, this kid won't need high school.
Hey, everybody.
I'm Craig, music sub for the week.
- Hey, Craig.
- Hey.
Craig.
I'm Samir, chemistry and physics.
- Robinson? - Ashleigh? - Ah! - Get over here, girl.
How do you two know each other? We taught out in the suburbs together.
You still dancing at the Booty Bungalow? Friday nights.
Just paid off the lake house, and now I'm looking for some rental properties.
- Whoa.
- Whoo! You're a stripper? What did you think I meant when I said I worked on poles? Climate change.
Well, I have to finish grading these penises, but it was great to see you.
Hey, man.
Jimmy Hooper, phys.
ed.
But most people around here call me Magnum P.
E.
No, we don't.
What's with the tennis getup? Oh, I'm glad you like this.
I played professionally from '89 to '91.
- Oh, that's cool.
- Yeah.
Why'd you stop? Have you ever been out on the road with Boris Becker and Ivan Lendl? He's a music teacher, Jimmy.
"Magnum.
" I'll just leave it at this.
When Ivan Lendl says, "Let this dissolve on your tongue" don't.
I feel like you have some deep psychological issues to work through.
Well, thank God I got you, buddy, right? We're gonna be tight.
I can feel it.
Let's put a pin in it.
Hey, tell me about Victoria Wavers, English teacher here.
She's got the room right next to yours.
She's totally hot.
We went to school here together.
I was supposed to take her to prom.
Oh, crabs? No.
Yeah, I didn't go to my prom either.
- Tennis? - Crabs.
[school bell rings.]
Good to meet you, man.
[students talking.]
What's up? What's up? I'm Mr.
Robinson, sub for the week.
You can call me Craig, Mr.
C, MC Craigy-Craig.
Look, I'm not like your other teachers.
I went to school here.
I'm one of you.
And in my class, we don't just listen to music; we make music.
We don't have any instruments.
Ah, that's where you're wrong at.
You are the instrument.
I am an instrument of death.
That's a really weird thing to say.
What's your name? DJ Quan Phook.
Okay, DJ Phone Book, come on up here.
- What's your name? - Lance.
Mm, too white.
What's your real name? Deandre.
Deandre, come on and join us, would ya? Hey, Hashtag.
Come on; put the phone away.
My name's Maria.
Okay, Maria, come on down.
Yes! All right.
Let's see.
Who else? Oh.
Hey, Shy.
My name's Halle.
Hey, Halle.
You want to come join our group? No, thank you.
You know You know Adele, Lady Gaga, Elvis Presley, George Harrison? What do all these great artists have in common? Hermaphrodites.
I just Googled it.
They were all shy.
[tentatively.]
Yes.
They were all shy, okay? I was shy at your age.
Now look at me; I can't stop running my mouth.
So what do you say, Halle? Come join us? No.
Okay, I respect that.
All right, anybody else? Anybody else want to come on up and join our little group up here? Hello, anybody? Fine! All right, she's in! Yes! All right, so now just follow me.
- Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba, Ba - Ba, Ba Nice.
Okay, let's put a beat to it.
- Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba, Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba [students continue.]
First things first, I'm the realest Drop this and let the whole world feel this - class: I'm so fancy - Whoo! - class: You already know - Come on, come on - class: I'm in the fast lane - Yeah! class: From L.
A.
to Tokyo Now, that's how you make music.
Give it up for my singers, y'all.
[cheers and applause.]
Come on! You can do better than that! Make some noise! [drumming and cheering.]
What is going on in here? Craig? Shock and awe, baby! I'm here to ask you out.
Craig, what are you doing here? Subbing.
Must be fate, right? Hey, I have an idea.
Let's pick up where we left off last night.
Oh, me leaving? Okay.
Oh, come on, Vic, now.
Craig, this is weird.
Well, I would go more with "surprising.
" Okay, surprise! I have a boyfriend.
Is he bigger than me? Ooh, from what I can remember, yes.
See? We're like two chili peppers that got separated from the batch and 20 years later got thrown into the same mole.
What the hell are you talking about? We're spicy.
This is gonna be good.
Yeah.
What do we have here? Oh, Principal Taylor, this is our new music sub.
Craig Robinson? Here, come on.
Give me some.
Oh, that's not gonna happen.
Thank you, Ms.
Wavers.
I have this.
She fine, right? You didn't check into the office this morning, Mr.
Robinson.
I was going to, but then the bell rang, and then I just didn't.
You think you're funny? Think life's a big joke? Gliding around with your Coco Crisp hair and your regal Nubian glow? I've met a thousand Craig Robinsons.
Are you on BlackCupid.
com? Don't get cocky with me, Music Man.
I've banged, snorted, and ingested some of the biggest bands of the '80s.
Dexys Midnight Runners? Who the hell do you think Eileen was? If you think you're gonna walk in here with your sweet African musk and get over on me, you are subbing in the wrong school, Shaft.
I can't tell if you like me or hate me.
I like Biggie.
I hate Diddy.
You don't even register.
Eileen, can we please finish discussing the budget? Whoa! Get out of town.
When I say, "Preheat," you say, "Oven" - Preheat - Oven You're Nasty Delicious! I'm John Dalton, Eileen's boss.
I've seen your band, like, a hundred times.
What are you doing here? I'm subbing music class for the week to try to hook up with the English teacher.
She'd be lucky to have you.
You know, I slap a little bass.
Bllllaw! That's tight, Dalts.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing you Friday at Back to School Night.
Faculty attendance is mandatory.
Come on, Eileen.
Hey, I just got that.
- Preheat - Oven Whoa, where did you get that? Took it from my brother's drawer.
Cool.
Can I ride the dragon with you? I'm not here! I'm not here! I'm not here! What's going on, Deandre? Uh, we were just talking about organizing a study group for Saturday.
With DJ Phone Book? Not likely.
Who's your tutor gonna be, Mary Jane? That's not mine.
I've never seen that before.
What's wrong with you? You know you could get kicked out of school for this.
Plus, this is a terrible spot.
You got no cover.
Anybody could have just walked up on you.
So you gonna tell the principal? No.
But I am gonna hang on to this.
That's super cool, Mr.
C.
Thanks.
And if you were gonna smoke that, where would you go? Colorado.
Get your little ass to class.
Ben, what are you doing here? How did you get in here? Oh, I told them I was Jordan's dad.
- Who's Jordan? - No idea, man.
It's Chicago; every other kid in the city is named after MJ.
Yo, I got some amazing news, big brother.
What's up? I booked us a gig in the hottest spot in town.
The Odeon? The mother-loving Odeon.
And they gonna pay us double our quotes.
We got a quote? We do now, and it's double.
both: Oh, the Odeon, the Odeon What date do we play? We play this Friday [sighs.]
Why you stop dancing? This Friday, it's I got this Back to School program.
I got to be here.
Back to So What? You'll cancel.
Craig, we need the money from this gig.
We're the most financially irresponsible musicians on this planet.
I took a limo here.
Come on, man.
It's the Odeon.
Craig, are you in? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm in.
Excuse me, B.
What up, C? Can I get a slide? Most definitely.
both: Slide, mm, uh Slide, mm, uh The Odeon Hey.
Why you tagging the door? The city gives us money to cover the graffiti.
I take the cash and use it to buy lunches for kids who can't afford them.
Oh.
Now I kind of feel like a dick.
Um this Friday, I have a gig with my band.
I was wondering if I could not be here.
What are you, like 40? Around.
You're a substitute teacher and a part-time musician.
You probably have a roommate, little or no money, and even with your powerful yet sublime physique, you have no direction.
Go ahead, go.
Go play with your little boy band, and I'll cover for you, Terence Trent Disaster.
Damn.
Okay, place your hands behind your back.
What the hell was that? I was late.
I give 'em a choice: detention or a ball to the face.
I call it Face Ball.
Hey, you're not gonna believe this, but Victoria's boyfriend broke up with her.
What are you talking about? I heard a couple teachers talking about it in the ladies' bathroom.
I mean, I heard a couple teachers talking about it.
This could be my opening.
I could finally make things right and then some.
But I only got one day left working with her.
What could I do? Just leave it to me, buddy boy.
Check this out.
Our new substitute teacher, MC Craigy-Craig, is no joke.
He caught me red-handed but let me slide.
He he really is one of us.
I'm untouchable, like like the Teflon Deandre.
What's going on over here? I was just telling them how you caught me with a little weed-weed What come here.
[piano keys bang.]
Let's get something straight.
What happened yesterday will never happen again.
I know, 'cause I found a better spot.
You're too young and stupid to understand you got a second chance? If I played things by the book, you'd be expelled.
You'd be just another black kid thrown out of school for drugs.
Then what? Your life is over.
Sometimes you have to play by the rules.
But you don't.
Yeah, and my life is hard.
If I catch you again, I'll make sure you're thrown out of the school myself.
We clear? Yes, sir.
Get your little ass out of here.
"Found a better spot.
" Kid's a mini me.
What's going on in here? So listen up, dog.
We got a plan to get you and Ms.
Wavers together.
You got no game.
How do you know about that? Magnum P.
E.
He tweets at us, like, 20 times a day.
Yeah, it's like @TheRealMagnumPE.
Why are you guys doing this? One, we owe you.
Two, we think you and Ms.
Wavers are cool.
And three, you got to promise us "A"s right now.
And four, you are my father.
Okay, I'm not promising you "A"s.
I'm not DJ Phone Book's father.
But I could use your help.
Is that cool? Yeah.
We have a lot of work to do.
[school bell rings.]
[plays song fragment.]
What up, big bro? Hey, what's up, man? You know there's a stripper from Big Booty Bungalow just walking around here, right? That's Ashleigh.
She's the math teacher.
Whoo! Damn shame.
Stripper got to teach just to make ends meet.
Yo, so I came by to go over the set list.
Listen I can't do the gig.
What are you talking about? Victoria.
Tomorrow's our last day working together, and my kids are doing something amazing for me.
Yo, we promised to never say the words "my kids.
" Craig, you're blowing off the highest-paid gig we ever had.
You told me to do this.
You told me to be like jack-in-the-box.
Why would you listen to me? I'm an idiot.
So don't listen to you now or don't listen to you then? Don't listen to me ever.
But listen to me.
We need this gig.
I'm sorry, B.
I like it here.
I'm 40.
I'm a substitute teacher, part-time musician.
I got to do something.
There'll be other gigs.
We lose the Odeon without you.
Fine.
Have it your way.
But that 30-foot inflatable Craig is gonna look stupid on stage without you.
(Taylor) Yeah, I think he's gonna have a great year.
Thank you so much for coming.
[music intro playing.]
Why is that music playing? This is, like, my all-time favorite song.
Do you know something about this? Maybe.
[Escapade playing.]
Oh.
(students) Escapade We'll have a good time Escapade Leave your worries behind Escapade Well, you can be mine Oh! (students) Escapade, escapade Craig, what is all this? I'm really sorry for standing you up at prom.
Will you have one dance with me? Escapade Would you like to dance, Ashleigh? Oh, my god, I am so late! Thanks, Samir.
Well, no Bollywood ending for you, pal.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Escapade, escapade [cheers and applause.]
That was amazing.
That was fantastic.
Man, I wish I had a music teacher like you when I was in school.
Who are you? Craig, this is my boyfriend, Robert.
- Hey.
- Hey.
If we're gonna make that reservation, we should probably get going.
- Yeah.
- I'll be out front.
Just great, man! Thought you guys broke up.
Who told you that? Oh, that doesn't matter, guys.
What matters is, this right here, this happened.
Magnum out.
Craig, this was beyond sweet.
Apology accepted.
- Clean slate? - Yeah, clean slate.
This was a massive waste of school resources.
You killed that! I've never seen kids more engaged at a school function.
What do I have to do to get you here full-time? Supervisor Dalton, don't you think we should Woman, are you high? So what about it, Craig? Will you join us? Okay, I'm in.
This place just got a whole lot funkier.
Brrw! As long as you take care of your kids, we're gonna get along just fine.
I've got my eye on you, Billy Dee.
Say hello to your new full-time music teacher.
[cheers and applause.]
[R&B music.]
When I say, "Micro," you say, "Wave" - Micro - You suck! [music stops.]
What the hell is all this? Craig, what you doing here? So we cool? Hell, yeah.
Y'all ready to party? [cheers and applause.]
I hope your ears are 18, 'cause they're about to get sound-banged.
One, two, three, four!
This next song, called Chocolate Muffins, it is not I repeat, it is not a double entendre.
(backup singers) Not Not if you're thinking sexually.
If you would show me your chocolate muffins I could add my sprinkles and icing I will be your baker, baby I could love you so long and so nicely I will mix your batter with my big wooden spoon Make you forget the other baker He would be home soon Oh, chocolate muffins It's time to bake Oh, when I say, "Preheat," you say, "Oven" - Preheat - Oven - Preheat - Oven Damn, girl, it's getting hot in here From all this preheating It's time for my favorite part It's time for the icing, baby Don't lick the bowl, baby It tickles, but it makes me feel weird Chocolate muffins I think I, I think I, I think I, I think I Oh, I don't believe it.
Band, break it down.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special lady in the house tonight.
I love you, Craig! Not you, baby.
Her name is Victoria (band) Victoria Haven't seen her since high school.
She used to use to wear the key earring in her ear like Janet Jackson, yeah.
[laughs.]
Can I come talk to you? Is it okay if I come talk to you right now? Victoria, can I come talk to you right now? You gonna stay right there? Wait for me, baby.
Wait for me, baby, here I come to talk to you Hey, my name is Craig Robinson.
And I'm Ben Robinson.
And we are The Nasty Delicious.
- And we'll - Be - Right all: Back [cheers and applause.]
(man) Mr.
Robinson Mr.
Robinson Victoria Wavers.
Mm! Ooh! The girl that got away.
Craig Robinson, the guy who stood me up for prom.
Come on; you're not still upset about that.
Oh, no, not at all.
I was able to wear that dress a lot of places.
Oh, you want to see pictures of me and my dad slow-dancing? It's not sad at all.
Hey, I apologized for that.
- Did you? - Yes.
"Girl, why you trippin'?" That's an apology? Why don't you let me buy you an "I'm sorry" drink? Oh, I don't think they make glasses that big.
[laughs.]
Tell me what you been up to all these years.
Uh, okay.
Um, went to Princeton, Wall Street.
Made a lot of money, wanted to give back, and now I'm teaching English at Studs Terkel.
- Our old high school.
- Yeah.
That's crazy.
I do some substitute music teaching around town when I'm broke.
I like it.
Teaching, not being broke.
Well, maybe we'll run into each other when you run out of money.
I'm out of money right now.
[laughs.]
Bye, Craig.
[chuckles.]
(Ben) Victoria Wavers.
Whoo, she grew up fine.
That booty and those eyes.
And that booty.
Man, you really blew it by standing her up for prom.
I know, B.
She's smart and funny and mad successful.
The only reason I stood her up was 'cause it was our band's first paying gig.
I had to take that shot.
I always wanted to make thing right with her, though.
You want to get a girl like that back, know what you got to do? You got to do something unexpected, like the time I climbed up Theresa's balcony.
She shot at you.
Yeah, but I got some.
You get her number? No.
But I do know where she works.
You know what you do? You should hide under her desk and pop out like a jack-in-the-box.
Surprise, bitch! I'm here to surprise you! Surprise! I probably won't hide or jump or curse at her.
The kids in my math class think they're so clever.
The kids in my chemistry class think the atomic weight of beryllium is 1.
816.
Idiots.
I asked them what weighs more, 1 ton of metal or 2,000 pounds of wood.
This kid wrote, "My penis weighs more" and drew a picture of it.
Well, if that's to scale, this kid won't need high school.
Hey, everybody.
I'm Craig, music sub for the week.
- Hey, Craig.
- Hey.
Craig.
I'm Samir, chemistry and physics.
- Robinson? - Ashleigh? - Ah! - Get over here, girl.
How do you two know each other? We taught out in the suburbs together.
You still dancing at the Booty Bungalow? Friday nights.
Just paid off the lake house, and now I'm looking for some rental properties.
- Whoa.
- Whoo! You're a stripper? What did you think I meant when I said I worked on poles? Climate change.
Well, I have to finish grading these penises, but it was great to see you.
Hey, man.
Jimmy Hooper, phys.
ed.
But most people around here call me Magnum P.
E.
No, we don't.
What's with the tennis getup? Oh, I'm glad you like this.
I played professionally from '89 to '91.
- Oh, that's cool.
- Yeah.
Why'd you stop? Have you ever been out on the road with Boris Becker and Ivan Lendl? He's a music teacher, Jimmy.
"Magnum.
" I'll just leave it at this.
When Ivan Lendl says, "Let this dissolve on your tongue" don't.
I feel like you have some deep psychological issues to work through.
Well, thank God I got you, buddy, right? We're gonna be tight.
I can feel it.
Let's put a pin in it.
Hey, tell me about Victoria Wavers, English teacher here.
She's got the room right next to yours.
She's totally hot.
We went to school here together.
I was supposed to take her to prom.
Oh, crabs? No.
Yeah, I didn't go to my prom either.
- Tennis? - Crabs.
[school bell rings.]
Good to meet you, man.
[students talking.]
What's up? What's up? I'm Mr.
Robinson, sub for the week.
You can call me Craig, Mr.
C, MC Craigy-Craig.
Look, I'm not like your other teachers.
I went to school here.
I'm one of you.
And in my class, we don't just listen to music; we make music.
We don't have any instruments.
Ah, that's where you're wrong at.
You are the instrument.
I am an instrument of death.
That's a really weird thing to say.
What's your name? DJ Quan Phook.
Okay, DJ Phone Book, come on up here.
- What's your name? - Lance.
Mm, too white.
What's your real name? Deandre.
Deandre, come on and join us, would ya? Hey, Hashtag.
Come on; put the phone away.
My name's Maria.
Okay, Maria, come on down.
Yes! All right.
Let's see.
Who else? Oh.
Hey, Shy.
My name's Halle.
Hey, Halle.
You want to come join our group? No, thank you.
You know You know Adele, Lady Gaga, Elvis Presley, George Harrison? What do all these great artists have in common? Hermaphrodites.
I just Googled it.
They were all shy.
[tentatively.]
Yes.
They were all shy, okay? I was shy at your age.
Now look at me; I can't stop running my mouth.
So what do you say, Halle? Come join us? No.
Okay, I respect that.
All right, anybody else? Anybody else want to come on up and join our little group up here? Hello, anybody? Fine! All right, she's in! Yes! All right, so now just follow me.
- Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba, Ba - Ba, Ba Nice.
Okay, let's put a beat to it.
- Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba, Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba [students continue.]
First things first, I'm the realest Drop this and let the whole world feel this - class: I'm so fancy - Whoo! - class: You already know - Come on, come on - class: I'm in the fast lane - Yeah! class: From L.
A.
to Tokyo Now, that's how you make music.
Give it up for my singers, y'all.
[cheers and applause.]
Come on! You can do better than that! Make some noise! [drumming and cheering.]
What is going on in here? Craig? Shock and awe, baby! I'm here to ask you out.
Craig, what are you doing here? Subbing.
Must be fate, right? Hey, I have an idea.
Let's pick up where we left off last night.
Oh, me leaving? Okay.
Oh, come on, Vic, now.
Craig, this is weird.
Well, I would go more with "surprising.
" Okay, surprise! I have a boyfriend.
Is he bigger than me? Ooh, from what I can remember, yes.
See? We're like two chili peppers that got separated from the batch and 20 years later got thrown into the same mole.
What the hell are you talking about? We're spicy.
This is gonna be good.
Yeah.
What do we have here? Oh, Principal Taylor, this is our new music sub.
Craig Robinson? Here, come on.
Give me some.
Oh, that's not gonna happen.
Thank you, Ms.
Wavers.
I have this.
She fine, right? You didn't check into the office this morning, Mr.
Robinson.
I was going to, but then the bell rang, and then I just didn't.
You think you're funny? Think life's a big joke? Gliding around with your Coco Crisp hair and your regal Nubian glow? I've met a thousand Craig Robinsons.
Are you on BlackCupid.
com? Don't get cocky with me, Music Man.
I've banged, snorted, and ingested some of the biggest bands of the '80s.
Dexys Midnight Runners? Who the hell do you think Eileen was? If you think you're gonna walk in here with your sweet African musk and get over on me, you are subbing in the wrong school, Shaft.
I can't tell if you like me or hate me.
I like Biggie.
I hate Diddy.
You don't even register.
Eileen, can we please finish discussing the budget? Whoa! Get out of town.
When I say, "Preheat," you say, "Oven" - Preheat - Oven You're Nasty Delicious! I'm John Dalton, Eileen's boss.
I've seen your band, like, a hundred times.
What are you doing here? I'm subbing music class for the week to try to hook up with the English teacher.
She'd be lucky to have you.
You know, I slap a little bass.
Bllllaw! That's tight, Dalts.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing you Friday at Back to School Night.
Faculty attendance is mandatory.
Come on, Eileen.
Hey, I just got that.
- Preheat - Oven Whoa, where did you get that? Took it from my brother's drawer.
Cool.
Can I ride the dragon with you? I'm not here! I'm not here! I'm not here! What's going on, Deandre? Uh, we were just talking about organizing a study group for Saturday.
With DJ Phone Book? Not likely.
Who's your tutor gonna be, Mary Jane? That's not mine.
I've never seen that before.
What's wrong with you? You know you could get kicked out of school for this.
Plus, this is a terrible spot.
You got no cover.
Anybody could have just walked up on you.
So you gonna tell the principal? No.
But I am gonna hang on to this.
That's super cool, Mr.
C.
Thanks.
And if you were gonna smoke that, where would you go? Colorado.
Get your little ass to class.
Ben, what are you doing here? How did you get in here? Oh, I told them I was Jordan's dad.
- Who's Jordan? - No idea, man.
It's Chicago; every other kid in the city is named after MJ.
Yo, I got some amazing news, big brother.
What's up? I booked us a gig in the hottest spot in town.
The Odeon? The mother-loving Odeon.
And they gonna pay us double our quotes.
We got a quote? We do now, and it's double.
both: Oh, the Odeon, the Odeon What date do we play? We play this Friday [sighs.]
Why you stop dancing? This Friday, it's I got this Back to School program.
I got to be here.
Back to So What? You'll cancel.
Craig, we need the money from this gig.
We're the most financially irresponsible musicians on this planet.
I took a limo here.
Come on, man.
It's the Odeon.
Craig, are you in? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm in.
Excuse me, B.
What up, C? Can I get a slide? Most definitely.
both: Slide, mm, uh Slide, mm, uh The Odeon Hey.
Why you tagging the door? The city gives us money to cover the graffiti.
I take the cash and use it to buy lunches for kids who can't afford them.
Oh.
Now I kind of feel like a dick.
Um this Friday, I have a gig with my band.
I was wondering if I could not be here.
What are you, like 40? Around.
You're a substitute teacher and a part-time musician.
You probably have a roommate, little or no money, and even with your powerful yet sublime physique, you have no direction.
Go ahead, go.
Go play with your little boy band, and I'll cover for you, Terence Trent Disaster.
Damn.
Okay, place your hands behind your back.
What the hell was that? I was late.
I give 'em a choice: detention or a ball to the face.
I call it Face Ball.
Hey, you're not gonna believe this, but Victoria's boyfriend broke up with her.
What are you talking about? I heard a couple teachers talking about it in the ladies' bathroom.
I mean, I heard a couple teachers talking about it.
This could be my opening.
I could finally make things right and then some.
But I only got one day left working with her.
What could I do? Just leave it to me, buddy boy.
Check this out.
Our new substitute teacher, MC Craigy-Craig, is no joke.
He caught me red-handed but let me slide.
He he really is one of us.
I'm untouchable, like like the Teflon Deandre.
What's going on over here? I was just telling them how you caught me with a little weed-weed What come here.
[piano keys bang.]
Let's get something straight.
What happened yesterday will never happen again.
I know, 'cause I found a better spot.
You're too young and stupid to understand you got a second chance? If I played things by the book, you'd be expelled.
You'd be just another black kid thrown out of school for drugs.
Then what? Your life is over.
Sometimes you have to play by the rules.
But you don't.
Yeah, and my life is hard.
If I catch you again, I'll make sure you're thrown out of the school myself.
We clear? Yes, sir.
Get your little ass out of here.
"Found a better spot.
" Kid's a mini me.
What's going on in here? So listen up, dog.
We got a plan to get you and Ms.
Wavers together.
You got no game.
How do you know about that? Magnum P.
E.
He tweets at us, like, 20 times a day.
Yeah, it's like @TheRealMagnumPE.
Why are you guys doing this? One, we owe you.
Two, we think you and Ms.
Wavers are cool.
And three, you got to promise us "A"s right now.
And four, you are my father.
Okay, I'm not promising you "A"s.
I'm not DJ Phone Book's father.
But I could use your help.
Is that cool? Yeah.
We have a lot of work to do.
[school bell rings.]
[plays song fragment.]
What up, big bro? Hey, what's up, man? You know there's a stripper from Big Booty Bungalow just walking around here, right? That's Ashleigh.
She's the math teacher.
Whoo! Damn shame.
Stripper got to teach just to make ends meet.
Yo, so I came by to go over the set list.
Listen I can't do the gig.
What are you talking about? Victoria.
Tomorrow's our last day working together, and my kids are doing something amazing for me.
Yo, we promised to never say the words "my kids.
" Craig, you're blowing off the highest-paid gig we ever had.
You told me to do this.
You told me to be like jack-in-the-box.
Why would you listen to me? I'm an idiot.
So don't listen to you now or don't listen to you then? Don't listen to me ever.
But listen to me.
We need this gig.
I'm sorry, B.
I like it here.
I'm 40.
I'm a substitute teacher, part-time musician.
I got to do something.
There'll be other gigs.
We lose the Odeon without you.
Fine.
Have it your way.
But that 30-foot inflatable Craig is gonna look stupid on stage without you.
(Taylor) Yeah, I think he's gonna have a great year.
Thank you so much for coming.
[music intro playing.]
Why is that music playing? This is, like, my all-time favorite song.
Do you know something about this? Maybe.
[Escapade playing.]
Oh.
(students) Escapade We'll have a good time Escapade Leave your worries behind Escapade Well, you can be mine Oh! (students) Escapade, escapade Craig, what is all this? I'm really sorry for standing you up at prom.
Will you have one dance with me? Escapade Would you like to dance, Ashleigh? Oh, my god, I am so late! Thanks, Samir.
Well, no Bollywood ending for you, pal.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Do the Magnum.
Escapade, escapade [cheers and applause.]
That was amazing.
That was fantastic.
Man, I wish I had a music teacher like you when I was in school.
Who are you? Craig, this is my boyfriend, Robert.
- Hey.
- Hey.
If we're gonna make that reservation, we should probably get going.
- Yeah.
- I'll be out front.
Just great, man! Thought you guys broke up.
Who told you that? Oh, that doesn't matter, guys.
What matters is, this right here, this happened.
Magnum out.
Craig, this was beyond sweet.
Apology accepted.
- Clean slate? - Yeah, clean slate.
This was a massive waste of school resources.
You killed that! I've never seen kids more engaged at a school function.
What do I have to do to get you here full-time? Supervisor Dalton, don't you think we should Woman, are you high? So what about it, Craig? Will you join us? Okay, I'm in.
This place just got a whole lot funkier.
Brrw! As long as you take care of your kids, we're gonna get along just fine.
I've got my eye on you, Billy Dee.
Say hello to your new full-time music teacher.
[cheers and applause.]
[R&B music.]
When I say, "Micro," you say, "Wave" - Micro - You suck! [music stops.]
What the hell is all this? Craig, what you doing here? So we cool? Hell, yeah.
Y'all ready to party? [cheers and applause.]
I hope your ears are 18, 'cause they're about to get sound-banged.
One, two, three, four!