Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
The Mammy
Synch and correct by JustFuckingShit or teftel This programme contains strong language and adult humour Hahahahaha! Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Oh, Mrs Brown What's wrong with you, Granddad? I haven't slept for three days.
Hello! I'm just doing a bit of cleaning.
I'm just about to take a break.
God, I say cleaning like it was a hobby.
It's not.
DOG BARKS Shut up, you feckin' mutt! LAUGHTER II'd better feed him.
Hold on.
Here, Spartacus! LAUGHTER SPARTACUS WHINES When I Jesus, I never opened the feckin' thing! LAUGHTER Here, Spartacus! LAUGHTER SPARTACUS GROWLS I had six children I reared on my own and they weren't as much trouble as you! Where was I? Oh, yeah cleaning! Well, it's not as if it goes unnoticed.
I had Father Quinn round the other day he took one look at the house and said, "Mrs Brown, yourself and God keep a lovely home".
I said "Thank you, Father" but I'm thinking, "You should see it when God has it on his own!" LAUGHTER I feel like I've always been cleaning.
When I was 18, I married his son, Redser Brown, because of a condition I had called pregnancy.
LAUGHTER Ah! Granddad looks peaceful.
Doesn't he! Hahaha! LAUGHTER Heading out on the big date, love? It's not a big date, Mammy.
It's just a quiet drink.
Quiet drink! That's what all men say.
They think vodka's a lubricant to get your knickers off easy.
LAUGHTER You may laugh, but I tell you, one minute you're sipping Piney Coladies, next your legs are up in stirrups with the doctor shouting, "Don't push till I tell you!".
I'll keep that in mind, so! You do that.
Ah, why do I bother? Right, I'm off! Do you want a cup of tea before you go, love? No, Mammy.
Sure, I'm running late.
Don't be breaking your neck, he'll be feckin' late as well.
Did Daddy always come late? LAUGHTER That's none of your feckin' business! LAUGHTER See you later! Cathy, love! Yes, Mammy? You look fantastic! Thanks, Mammy.
Keep them on! LAUGHTER II'm not just a cleaner.
I have a market stall as well.
I sell fruit and vegetables.
I suppose I'm a business woman! Ha ha ha.
I don't like customers who come and just poke.
They come and maul your fruit without any feckin' reason whatsoever.
I say to them, "Missus, that's a banana, not a willy" LAUGHTER ".
.
it won't get bigger if you squeeze it!" LAUGHTER Hahaha! Hahaha! There goes Happy Feet! LAUGHTER I better go in and see what's happening in the North Pole.
Hello, Dermot, son.
Hello, Mammy.
What are you promoting this week? Chocolate biscuits.
Oh, lovely what kind? LAUGHTER Kit Kats! LAUGHTER Dermot, love quack, quack, quack, quack! LAUGHTER What's wrong, love? Why are you such a sad little penguin? You're not in trouble with the law again, are you? No, Mammy, it's Maria.
Ah, the lovely Maria.
We've broken up.
Bitch! Never liked her! LAUGHTER What did she do? She's not a bitch, Ma.
And she didn't do anything, it's just Yes? .
.
to be honest Mammy, I'd rather not talk about it right now.
I understand so what happened? Mammy! I'm not talking about it! Fine Do you want a cup of tea? No, I'm only on a quick break.
Well, if it's only a quick break, you should slip into the fridge and relax! Hahahahaha! Slip into the Hahaha! LAUGHTER THUMP! LAUGHTER It's very late to be studying.
Hi, Mammy.
I can't sleep, worrying about Dermot and Maria.
Cathy you amaze me the amount of work and persistence you put into everything you feckin' do.
And I know I'm biased you're my only daughter .
.
but the man who gets you will be he'll be the luckiest man on earth.
Not bad for a widow bringing up a girl on her own, hey? Am I right? Sorry, Mammy? LAUGHTER Nothing, it doesn't matter.
Cathy, what am I going to do about Dermot and Maria? Mammyit's best if we all just butt out and let them sort it out themselves.
BANG! BANG! BANG! What do you want, Granddad? I don't feel well.
You're 92, you're not supposed to fuckin' feel well! LAUGHTER Mammy! What? Maybe he really is sick.
Don't take any chances.
Call the doctor! A doctor? At 80 euro a visit?! He's no health insurance.
At least he's insured for a funeral.
Mammy! Fine.
I'll call the doctor.
This is all because of his feckin' budgie! His budgie? Found him dead today.
Well, he must be upset.
He's at that age, love.
His budgie dies, he's sure he's going to be next.
LAUGHTER With a bit of buckin' luck! LAUGHTER It's a sharp pain across the shoulders and down the spine.
How long has he had it? Not him ME! LAUGHTER Mrs Brown, I'm here to examine Granddad.
You're wasting your time with him, he's fucked.
LAUGHTER Only a matter of time, isn't it, Granddad? Am I dying? YesFriday! LAUGHTER What's wrong with him, anyway? I'll have to run some tests.
Tests! More feckin' money! I'll need a sample of his urine, and a sample of his stool.
LAUGHTER What'd he say? He wants your underpants.
LAUGHTER Granddad, I need you to close your mouth when I put it in.
Hahahahaha! He's never heard that before! LAUGHTER I'm afraid I'll have to do a rectal reading.
Ooh! Can you help me? With buckin' pleasure! LAUGHTER Come on, Granddad! The doctor has a surprise for you! LAUGHTER Oooooh! Ooh hoo hoo! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! LAUGHTER Would you like a cup of tea, Doctor? I wouldn't mind another one of these.
It's in the kitchen.
Hahahahaha! LAUGHTER I'll get you a cup of tea, Granddad.
I wish you could see it from this side! You look like a big buckin' toffee apple.
LAUGHTER Oooooooh! Granddad! What are you doing there in that state? Come on fix yourself! Now, sit down.
No! Granddad! Come on, sit down.
No! No! No! Arrrgh! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now .
.
now, Granddad, isn't that much better? LAUGHTER Granddad! Hahahahaha! What are you doing? Come on, Granddad.
Now we're going to play Treasure Hunt! LAUGHTER No, Mrs Brown.
I'm afraid it's gone.
Gone?! I'm not paying for that! Now, wait a minuteer, gone? Arrgh! Is that bad? Is that dangerous? Get him to hospital today.
We'll explore the cavity then.
Explore the cavity! What? He's going potholing! LAUGHTER Goodbye, Mrs Brown.
Goodbye, Doctor.
Now you've heard of "Doctor Dolittle" there goes "Doctor Do-Fuck-All"! LAUGHTER You're going to hospital, Granddad and you're not coming fuckin' back.
LAUGHTER Mammy.
Yes, love? Did you see me Psychology magazine? I left it down here last night.
No and if you left it on that chair, it's probably up his arse! LAUGHTER Arse like a buckin' Dyson he has! LAUGHTER Cathy, there has to be something I can do about Dermot and Maria.
Mammy .
.
as I said, we all need to just butt out.
I want to be involved I want to be a leader! Like your man in Iran, 'Mock Mood Momamma Jibbidi Get It Back Up Again'.
LAUGHTER Mammy, of all people you stay out of this.
I mean it.
Promise me you won't interfere.
OK! Me? Interfere? LAUGHTER Biscuit, Maria? Thank you.
Ah, I cut the edges off so they fit in the mug.
LAUGHTER Oh.
I see.
So, Maria, why are you torturing my son? Excuse me? Well, you've obviously done something to upset him.
How can we make it right? Maybe if you apologise? Me? Apologise? That's the spirit, love! Mrs Brown, I have no idea what Dermot has told you about what's going on, but maybe I should say I'm sorry all right, sorry I ever met him, sorry I allowed myself to fall in love with him and sorry I ever got involved with his family.
And sorry that he has to put up with such a domineering matriarch as you! I was hoping for something shorter! Dermot, you're home, just in time.
Maria has something she wants to tell you.
You have? Yeah! I hope you and your mother will be very happy together! Keep it short! Keep it short! Now get stuffed! LAUGHTER DOOR SLAMS Do you want a cup of tea, love? What the hell happened here, Mammy? What the hell happened? She came here, sat down, nibbled the biscuits and dunk I don't know what to She meant What is this side So she I'm here Oh, yeah, wuzzah And she said Don't you muck! Eh! Ohhh! Zem! Nice! You keep away! Uzzah! It's no wonder you dumped her! LAUGHTER I didn't dump HER.
She broke up with me, because I wouldn't move in with her.
Leave home? Yes! She wants us to move in together.
It's far too early for that! I'm 33.
Exactly! Mammy, I wish you'd stay out of things and for once mind your own business! You are my business! I'myour mother It's a man in a fuckin' dress! LAUGHTER Here, Cathy I believe your date was a disaster.
I wouldn't say that, Winnie! You're better off, Cathy.
Men, preverts! LAUGHTER They all look for one thing, and don't need a com-pass! LAUGHTER Will you stop it, Mammy! He wanted to go out and have a talk.
Oh, a talk yeah! Talk about doin' it! LAUGHTER Mammy Hold on, where's me handbag? Feckin' hang on.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Me tablets are in it.
LAUGHTER Mammy, my date was not a disaster! Well, when are you seeing him again? I'm not.
Disaster! LAUGHTER My Sharon's got herself a new yoke.
Boyfriend, Mrs McGoogan.
I've met him and he's very nice.
One of the usual weirdos Sharon picks? Actually he's a gentleman.
Gentleman, Betty? And what would you call a gentleman? I dunno.
Opens the door for you? Mmmm.
Takes your coat off when you go in? Mmmmm.
Pulls the chair out when you go to sit down.
Aye! Dirty bastard! LAUGHTER That's all put on! He just wants to play hide the sausage! LAUGHTER Will you stop it, Mammy.
Not all men are sex maniacs! Yes, they are! They are! Aren't they, Winnie? Only last year, me and Winnie went to that film festival, The "Cock-a-Coh".
Uh, what's the one with the the motorbike and the swords and.
.
Radiator! Gladiator! The Graduate! LAUGHTER We looked great with our Liverpool hairdos.
I had mine like Cilla Black, she had hers like fuckin' Ken Dodd.
LAUGHTER We went to that picture house and were only five minutes there Five minutes.
.
.
sitting down.
I can'tI can't say it! I'm too embarrassed.
You tell them.
Well, this .
.
fella came over and sat beside Winnie, right beside her.
Right beside me! Right beside her! Five minutes later, what's he do? What's he do? He takes his willy out Out! Out! Oh, my God.
The dirty bastard! Winnie says to me, "Look, look Agnes!" Well, I glanced I only feckin' glanced! LAUGHTER Oh, my God! What? He was playing with it! Poor Winnie was disgusted.
I was disgusted.
She was disgusted! Well, why didn't you move? We couldn't move! He was using Winnie's hand.
I'm only joking, Winnie! Oh, Jesus! Well, here .
.
it's because of weirdos like him that I carry this.
Jesus! Jesus Christ! What's that? It's a Tazer gun.
If it was me he sat beside, I'd give him one jab of this and he'd be electrocuted.
And she wonders why she can't get a man.
Vibrators! I beg your pardon, Winnie? Well, nowadays, that's what the women do get, them vibrators! Shut the buck up, Winnie! Honest, Agnes, they do! I think I might get one meself! Well, make sure you get one that takes diesel! Can you imagine her with a vibrator? "Winnie, are you coming to Bingo on the bus? "No, I'm on a vibrator!" Hahahaha! Oh, Winnie, stop that feckin' dirty talk! Hello? Yes? Is that Out Patients? I'm enquiring about Mr Brown.
Brow-we-nuh.
.
.
Up his arse, that's him, yes.
Very generous? Why, what did he do? Nurse, is he near you? Put him on the phone will you, please? For God's sake, feckin' eejit.
Hello Granddad.
Yes, did you fill out a form there this morning? Yeah.
What did you tick off on it? Kidneys heart liver that was a donor form! No, it wasn't the feckin' breakfast menu! Well, you go back to her and make sure you get all the bits you went in with! I swear that man is getting feckin' worse every day! Mammy? What? I really enjoyed those few drinks we had last night! You had enough of them! Yeah, one more vodka and I'd have been under that table! One more pint of cider and I'd have been under that buckin' barman! You wouldn't, would you, Mrs Brown? Don't be ridiculous, Betty! It's so long since I had sex, I can't even remember who it is that gets tied up! Here, we'll miss the shops.
You all right, Cathy? Yeah! Mammy keep an eye on me Tazer for me will you, it's charging.
When the red light goes out, plug it out.
Red light out, plug out.
Cathy love .
.
what am I going to do about Dermot and Maria? I think you've done enough.
I have an idea.
Cathy, you're training to be a psychologist.
Why not give them counselling? Counselling? That's not a bad idea, Betty.
No, no, Cathy! I'll talk to Maria.
I'll see you later, Mrs Brown.
See you later, Betty.
Cathy, Cathy love.
Wait a second! We need to talk about this! You can't just PHONE RINGS Cathy! Cathy, love! You're not even qualified to feckin' counsel for God's sake! Cathy! PHONE RINGS Cathy, for God's sake! Hello? PHONE RINGS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Hello? Hell, hell, hello? How do you do, do, do, do do? No, there, there's no O'Brien here you have, have the wrwrong number.
Are you fucking deaf?! Oh, hello, Father Quinn! LAUGHTER Hm! Counselling? No counselling in my day.
You must be joking.
If me and your father had problems, we couldn't run to a counsellor! No way, Jose! We'd sort it out ourselves, like adults! Into a room on our own and I'd knock the shite out of him.
We didn't need a counsellor We needed a buckin' referee! Well, we're nearly ready to get started.
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm just a fly on the wall, a fly on the wall.
Bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz.
Bzz, bzz, bzz.
Tss, tss, tss.
HE COUGHS LAUGHTER I think everybody would be more comfortable if you weren't here.
It's a pity everybody doesn't pay the buckin' rent! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE All right Mammy, but pleasedon't interfere.
Fly, wall, me.
Bz.
OK then, let's begin Badges! You never gave us our badges! Badges? We're all meant to have badges.
You know, "My name is Agnes Brown.
I'm a lunatic!" LAUGHTER No, Mammy.
You don't get badges.
You're meant to get badges.
You don't, Mammy, and that's the end of it! Fine you forgot the badges.
Maria, what do you I have stickers upstairs! We could use stickers and a marker and write the names on.
Mammy, please! I'm only trying to help you out of your badge situation.
I DON'T HAVE A BADGE SITUATION! Well, obviously, because you don't have fuckin' badges! I did not forget the badges, we're just not having badges.
Badges would be pointless in this situation, because we don't need them! LAUGHTER Cathy, calm down .
.
you're making something out of nothing! Dermot, you don't need a badge.
Maria, need a badge? No, I don't need a badge.
Fuck the badges! LAUGHTER Maria what do you think started all of this? Well Miss! Miss! Mammy, is this you not interfering? No, it's Sooty in his nude! I just want to say this is Dermot's home.
Dermot should go first.
Mammy, it doesn't matter who goes first.
Then start with Dermot.
No, Mammy, I will not start with Dermot.
Now, if you don't mind, there's a system for doing this.
Is there? Yeah! Well, how come it doesn't matter who goes first? I beg your pardon? You can't have "system" and "doesn't matter" in the same feckin' sentence.
Imagine if that was the system for landing airplanes? And the pilot coming in to land says, "Excuse me captaincaptain "whatever your name is, cos we've no fuckin' badges.
" LAUGHTER "Are the wheels down? "Oh, it doesn't matter!" BOOF! That wouldn't that be a nice way for the Hoolihans to start their two weeks in Fuengerola! Do you know what, Mammy? What? You do this every time.
Ah, don't exaggerate, I never flew an airplane in me buckin' life.
You mess everything up when I try to do my own thing! You're getting paranoid.
Am I? Yes! Well, what about Teddy Brannigan? Teddy Brannigan? That was a long time ago.
Yes, it was, but you still remember it, don't you? Oh, I remember, all right.
LAUGHTER You were sixteen years of age! Not a titty to your name.
I was going to get you glasses so people would know which way you were facing! The neighbours used to say, "Here comes Cathy Brown with the two backs".
Teddy Brannigan used to go up and down our road at two o'clock in the morning, "Neeeeow, neeeeeow, brrm.
" If he got a motorbike, he'd be dangerous! And you, running behind him with your helmet on you! I was in love! Love, my arse! What would you know about love at sixteen? Especially to a thug like that.
Oh, Mammy, if you had your way, I'd never get a man! It'd help if you'd stop electrocuting 'em! I saved you! You saved me? Don't try and thank me now! I'm not thanking you.
I don't know what you're talking about! You wouldn't have been happy! Well, I'm not happy now, so there! You should talk to yourself and leave them alone! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ, yourself! You won't even let me THEY ARGUE LOOK! This is a waste of time! Is it? Mammy, it's not just Teddy Brannigan, is it? No man I ever meet will be good enough for you, will they? Where did I leave my violin? I'm going to me room.
Go to your room Oh, Jesus! How could you do that? How could you beat your mother? I brushed off you! You beat me! Oh, my Jesus It's gone dead! It's gone dead, look, it's feckin' dead! Look it's feckin' Oh, Cathy, I can't turn left! It's spreading Oh! LAUGHTER Jesus Christ, I've gone blind! Cathy! I'm going! Is she still there? This is ridiculous! Cathy! Cathy, wait! Cathy, please Cathy, let me explain! Cathy Cath Don't bring me up them feckin' stairs! You saw that, now.
I was minding my own business and she feckin' attacked me! This is because she forgot the feckin' badges.
I tell you now, if Jesus Christ appears to me and asks me to sacrifice a child she's fuckin' gone! Well, I feel much better after that.
So do I.
I'm so sorry, Maria.
No, Dermot, look I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have made a big deal about us moving in.
Yes, you should! You were right, Maria.
You mean you want us to live together? On one condition.
What? Will you marry me, Maria? Oh, yeah I will.
Right! Let's go down to Foley's and tell everyone! Haha! I thought that went well.
Yeah, Mammy, it did, it was a great idea.
Thanks, love.
I'll get you a cup of tea.
BANGING I swear that man thinks I'm on a feckin' bungee rope! What do you want now? 'I think I'm dying!' Yeah? Well, call me when you're sure.
Go up and see what's wrong with him will you, Cathy? Tell him if he doesn't behave, I'll come and take his temperature! Cathy! Here, love, that's for you.
What's this? Encyclopaedia Britannica.
It's a phone number.
Yes, it's Teddy Brannigan's phone number.
You know I don't like gossip, but I was down at me yoga classes and .
.
I was levitating beside Mary Matthews and she was talking about Teddy Brannigan.
His wife shagged off on him, left him with two young kids, two years ago.
It's not easy on your own with young children, and I know that.
And I I thought a phone call might cheer him up.
You know you get a phone call sometimes, "Hello? "Oh, Jesus I'm cheered up!" Anyway that's his number Thank you, Mammy.
You're welcome! I mean it, Mammy.
Really.
Thank you.
I know you do.
Thatthat's what we do, love mothers that's what we feckin' do.
That's it, I suppose, you know.
I'm not a cleaner, or a businesswoman.
I'm a mother.
And, and that's what we do.
That! He's still a buckin' thug! Who are you talking to, Mammy? Nobody.
Just meself, you know.
Nobody important.
Goodnight.
Say hello to the Queen of Dublin Town As the best mum of all She wears a crown Mother hen watching over chicks A sassy old lady full of tricks It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Synch and correct by JustFuckingShit or teftel
She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Oh, Mrs Brown What's wrong with you, Granddad? I haven't slept for three days.
Hello! I'm just doing a bit of cleaning.
I'm just about to take a break.
God, I say cleaning like it was a hobby.
It's not.
DOG BARKS Shut up, you feckin' mutt! LAUGHTER II'd better feed him.
Hold on.
Here, Spartacus! LAUGHTER SPARTACUS WHINES When I Jesus, I never opened the feckin' thing! LAUGHTER Here, Spartacus! LAUGHTER SPARTACUS GROWLS I had six children I reared on my own and they weren't as much trouble as you! Where was I? Oh, yeah cleaning! Well, it's not as if it goes unnoticed.
I had Father Quinn round the other day he took one look at the house and said, "Mrs Brown, yourself and God keep a lovely home".
I said "Thank you, Father" but I'm thinking, "You should see it when God has it on his own!" LAUGHTER I feel like I've always been cleaning.
When I was 18, I married his son, Redser Brown, because of a condition I had called pregnancy.
LAUGHTER Ah! Granddad looks peaceful.
Doesn't he! Hahaha! LAUGHTER Heading out on the big date, love? It's not a big date, Mammy.
It's just a quiet drink.
Quiet drink! That's what all men say.
They think vodka's a lubricant to get your knickers off easy.
LAUGHTER You may laugh, but I tell you, one minute you're sipping Piney Coladies, next your legs are up in stirrups with the doctor shouting, "Don't push till I tell you!".
I'll keep that in mind, so! You do that.
Ah, why do I bother? Right, I'm off! Do you want a cup of tea before you go, love? No, Mammy.
Sure, I'm running late.
Don't be breaking your neck, he'll be feckin' late as well.
Did Daddy always come late? LAUGHTER That's none of your feckin' business! LAUGHTER See you later! Cathy, love! Yes, Mammy? You look fantastic! Thanks, Mammy.
Keep them on! LAUGHTER II'm not just a cleaner.
I have a market stall as well.
I sell fruit and vegetables.
I suppose I'm a business woman! Ha ha ha.
I don't like customers who come and just poke.
They come and maul your fruit without any feckin' reason whatsoever.
I say to them, "Missus, that's a banana, not a willy" LAUGHTER ".
.
it won't get bigger if you squeeze it!" LAUGHTER Hahaha! Hahaha! There goes Happy Feet! LAUGHTER I better go in and see what's happening in the North Pole.
Hello, Dermot, son.
Hello, Mammy.
What are you promoting this week? Chocolate biscuits.
Oh, lovely what kind? LAUGHTER Kit Kats! LAUGHTER Dermot, love quack, quack, quack, quack! LAUGHTER What's wrong, love? Why are you such a sad little penguin? You're not in trouble with the law again, are you? No, Mammy, it's Maria.
Ah, the lovely Maria.
We've broken up.
Bitch! Never liked her! LAUGHTER What did she do? She's not a bitch, Ma.
And she didn't do anything, it's just Yes? .
.
to be honest Mammy, I'd rather not talk about it right now.
I understand so what happened? Mammy! I'm not talking about it! Fine Do you want a cup of tea? No, I'm only on a quick break.
Well, if it's only a quick break, you should slip into the fridge and relax! Hahahahaha! Slip into the Hahaha! LAUGHTER THUMP! LAUGHTER It's very late to be studying.
Hi, Mammy.
I can't sleep, worrying about Dermot and Maria.
Cathy you amaze me the amount of work and persistence you put into everything you feckin' do.
And I know I'm biased you're my only daughter .
.
but the man who gets you will be he'll be the luckiest man on earth.
Not bad for a widow bringing up a girl on her own, hey? Am I right? Sorry, Mammy? LAUGHTER Nothing, it doesn't matter.
Cathy, what am I going to do about Dermot and Maria? Mammyit's best if we all just butt out and let them sort it out themselves.
BANG! BANG! BANG! What do you want, Granddad? I don't feel well.
You're 92, you're not supposed to fuckin' feel well! LAUGHTER Mammy! What? Maybe he really is sick.
Don't take any chances.
Call the doctor! A doctor? At 80 euro a visit?! He's no health insurance.
At least he's insured for a funeral.
Mammy! Fine.
I'll call the doctor.
This is all because of his feckin' budgie! His budgie? Found him dead today.
Well, he must be upset.
He's at that age, love.
His budgie dies, he's sure he's going to be next.
LAUGHTER With a bit of buckin' luck! LAUGHTER It's a sharp pain across the shoulders and down the spine.
How long has he had it? Not him ME! LAUGHTER Mrs Brown, I'm here to examine Granddad.
You're wasting your time with him, he's fucked.
LAUGHTER Only a matter of time, isn't it, Granddad? Am I dying? YesFriday! LAUGHTER What's wrong with him, anyway? I'll have to run some tests.
Tests! More feckin' money! I'll need a sample of his urine, and a sample of his stool.
LAUGHTER What'd he say? He wants your underpants.
LAUGHTER Granddad, I need you to close your mouth when I put it in.
Hahahahaha! He's never heard that before! LAUGHTER I'm afraid I'll have to do a rectal reading.
Ooh! Can you help me? With buckin' pleasure! LAUGHTER Come on, Granddad! The doctor has a surprise for you! LAUGHTER Oooooh! Ooh hoo hoo! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! LAUGHTER Would you like a cup of tea, Doctor? I wouldn't mind another one of these.
It's in the kitchen.
Hahahahaha! LAUGHTER I'll get you a cup of tea, Granddad.
I wish you could see it from this side! You look like a big buckin' toffee apple.
LAUGHTER Oooooooh! Granddad! What are you doing there in that state? Come on fix yourself! Now, sit down.
No! Granddad! Come on, sit down.
No! No! No! Arrrgh! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now .
.
now, Granddad, isn't that much better? LAUGHTER Granddad! Hahahahaha! What are you doing? Come on, Granddad.
Now we're going to play Treasure Hunt! LAUGHTER No, Mrs Brown.
I'm afraid it's gone.
Gone?! I'm not paying for that! Now, wait a minuteer, gone? Arrgh! Is that bad? Is that dangerous? Get him to hospital today.
We'll explore the cavity then.
Explore the cavity! What? He's going potholing! LAUGHTER Goodbye, Mrs Brown.
Goodbye, Doctor.
Now you've heard of "Doctor Dolittle" there goes "Doctor Do-Fuck-All"! LAUGHTER You're going to hospital, Granddad and you're not coming fuckin' back.
LAUGHTER Mammy.
Yes, love? Did you see me Psychology magazine? I left it down here last night.
No and if you left it on that chair, it's probably up his arse! LAUGHTER Arse like a buckin' Dyson he has! LAUGHTER Cathy, there has to be something I can do about Dermot and Maria.
Mammy .
.
as I said, we all need to just butt out.
I want to be involved I want to be a leader! Like your man in Iran, 'Mock Mood Momamma Jibbidi Get It Back Up Again'.
LAUGHTER Mammy, of all people you stay out of this.
I mean it.
Promise me you won't interfere.
OK! Me? Interfere? LAUGHTER Biscuit, Maria? Thank you.
Ah, I cut the edges off so they fit in the mug.
LAUGHTER Oh.
I see.
So, Maria, why are you torturing my son? Excuse me? Well, you've obviously done something to upset him.
How can we make it right? Maybe if you apologise? Me? Apologise? That's the spirit, love! Mrs Brown, I have no idea what Dermot has told you about what's going on, but maybe I should say I'm sorry all right, sorry I ever met him, sorry I allowed myself to fall in love with him and sorry I ever got involved with his family.
And sorry that he has to put up with such a domineering matriarch as you! I was hoping for something shorter! Dermot, you're home, just in time.
Maria has something she wants to tell you.
You have? Yeah! I hope you and your mother will be very happy together! Keep it short! Keep it short! Now get stuffed! LAUGHTER DOOR SLAMS Do you want a cup of tea, love? What the hell happened here, Mammy? What the hell happened? She came here, sat down, nibbled the biscuits and dunk I don't know what to She meant What is this side So she I'm here Oh, yeah, wuzzah And she said Don't you muck! Eh! Ohhh! Zem! Nice! You keep away! Uzzah! It's no wonder you dumped her! LAUGHTER I didn't dump HER.
She broke up with me, because I wouldn't move in with her.
Leave home? Yes! She wants us to move in together.
It's far too early for that! I'm 33.
Exactly! Mammy, I wish you'd stay out of things and for once mind your own business! You are my business! I'myour mother It's a man in a fuckin' dress! LAUGHTER Here, Cathy I believe your date was a disaster.
I wouldn't say that, Winnie! You're better off, Cathy.
Men, preverts! LAUGHTER They all look for one thing, and don't need a com-pass! LAUGHTER Will you stop it, Mammy! He wanted to go out and have a talk.
Oh, a talk yeah! Talk about doin' it! LAUGHTER Mammy Hold on, where's me handbag? Feckin' hang on.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Me tablets are in it.
LAUGHTER Mammy, my date was not a disaster! Well, when are you seeing him again? I'm not.
Disaster! LAUGHTER My Sharon's got herself a new yoke.
Boyfriend, Mrs McGoogan.
I've met him and he's very nice.
One of the usual weirdos Sharon picks? Actually he's a gentleman.
Gentleman, Betty? And what would you call a gentleman? I dunno.
Opens the door for you? Mmmm.
Takes your coat off when you go in? Mmmmm.
Pulls the chair out when you go to sit down.
Aye! Dirty bastard! LAUGHTER That's all put on! He just wants to play hide the sausage! LAUGHTER Will you stop it, Mammy.
Not all men are sex maniacs! Yes, they are! They are! Aren't they, Winnie? Only last year, me and Winnie went to that film festival, The "Cock-a-Coh".
Uh, what's the one with the the motorbike and the swords and.
.
Radiator! Gladiator! The Graduate! LAUGHTER We looked great with our Liverpool hairdos.
I had mine like Cilla Black, she had hers like fuckin' Ken Dodd.
LAUGHTER We went to that picture house and were only five minutes there Five minutes.
.
.
sitting down.
I can'tI can't say it! I'm too embarrassed.
You tell them.
Well, this .
.
fella came over and sat beside Winnie, right beside her.
Right beside me! Right beside her! Five minutes later, what's he do? What's he do? He takes his willy out Out! Out! Oh, my God.
The dirty bastard! Winnie says to me, "Look, look Agnes!" Well, I glanced I only feckin' glanced! LAUGHTER Oh, my God! What? He was playing with it! Poor Winnie was disgusted.
I was disgusted.
She was disgusted! Well, why didn't you move? We couldn't move! He was using Winnie's hand.
I'm only joking, Winnie! Oh, Jesus! Well, here .
.
it's because of weirdos like him that I carry this.
Jesus! Jesus Christ! What's that? It's a Tazer gun.
If it was me he sat beside, I'd give him one jab of this and he'd be electrocuted.
And she wonders why she can't get a man.
Vibrators! I beg your pardon, Winnie? Well, nowadays, that's what the women do get, them vibrators! Shut the buck up, Winnie! Honest, Agnes, they do! I think I might get one meself! Well, make sure you get one that takes diesel! Can you imagine her with a vibrator? "Winnie, are you coming to Bingo on the bus? "No, I'm on a vibrator!" Hahahaha! Oh, Winnie, stop that feckin' dirty talk! Hello? Yes? Is that Out Patients? I'm enquiring about Mr Brown.
Brow-we-nuh.
.
.
Up his arse, that's him, yes.
Very generous? Why, what did he do? Nurse, is he near you? Put him on the phone will you, please? For God's sake, feckin' eejit.
Hello Granddad.
Yes, did you fill out a form there this morning? Yeah.
What did you tick off on it? Kidneys heart liver that was a donor form! No, it wasn't the feckin' breakfast menu! Well, you go back to her and make sure you get all the bits you went in with! I swear that man is getting feckin' worse every day! Mammy? What? I really enjoyed those few drinks we had last night! You had enough of them! Yeah, one more vodka and I'd have been under that table! One more pint of cider and I'd have been under that buckin' barman! You wouldn't, would you, Mrs Brown? Don't be ridiculous, Betty! It's so long since I had sex, I can't even remember who it is that gets tied up! Here, we'll miss the shops.
You all right, Cathy? Yeah! Mammy keep an eye on me Tazer for me will you, it's charging.
When the red light goes out, plug it out.
Red light out, plug out.
Cathy love .
.
what am I going to do about Dermot and Maria? I think you've done enough.
I have an idea.
Cathy, you're training to be a psychologist.
Why not give them counselling? Counselling? That's not a bad idea, Betty.
No, no, Cathy! I'll talk to Maria.
I'll see you later, Mrs Brown.
See you later, Betty.
Cathy, Cathy love.
Wait a second! We need to talk about this! You can't just PHONE RINGS Cathy! Cathy, love! You're not even qualified to feckin' counsel for God's sake! Cathy! PHONE RINGS Cathy, for God's sake! Hello? PHONE RINGS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Hello? Hell, hell, hello? How do you do, do, do, do do? No, there, there's no O'Brien here you have, have the wrwrong number.
Are you fucking deaf?! Oh, hello, Father Quinn! LAUGHTER Hm! Counselling? No counselling in my day.
You must be joking.
If me and your father had problems, we couldn't run to a counsellor! No way, Jose! We'd sort it out ourselves, like adults! Into a room on our own and I'd knock the shite out of him.
We didn't need a counsellor We needed a buckin' referee! Well, we're nearly ready to get started.
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm just a fly on the wall, a fly on the wall.
Bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz.
Bzz, bzz, bzz.
Tss, tss, tss.
HE COUGHS LAUGHTER I think everybody would be more comfortable if you weren't here.
It's a pity everybody doesn't pay the buckin' rent! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE All right Mammy, but pleasedon't interfere.
Fly, wall, me.
Bz.
OK then, let's begin Badges! You never gave us our badges! Badges? We're all meant to have badges.
You know, "My name is Agnes Brown.
I'm a lunatic!" LAUGHTER No, Mammy.
You don't get badges.
You're meant to get badges.
You don't, Mammy, and that's the end of it! Fine you forgot the badges.
Maria, what do you I have stickers upstairs! We could use stickers and a marker and write the names on.
Mammy, please! I'm only trying to help you out of your badge situation.
I DON'T HAVE A BADGE SITUATION! Well, obviously, because you don't have fuckin' badges! I did not forget the badges, we're just not having badges.
Badges would be pointless in this situation, because we don't need them! LAUGHTER Cathy, calm down .
.
you're making something out of nothing! Dermot, you don't need a badge.
Maria, need a badge? No, I don't need a badge.
Fuck the badges! LAUGHTER Maria what do you think started all of this? Well Miss! Miss! Mammy, is this you not interfering? No, it's Sooty in his nude! I just want to say this is Dermot's home.
Dermot should go first.
Mammy, it doesn't matter who goes first.
Then start with Dermot.
No, Mammy, I will not start with Dermot.
Now, if you don't mind, there's a system for doing this.
Is there? Yeah! Well, how come it doesn't matter who goes first? I beg your pardon? You can't have "system" and "doesn't matter" in the same feckin' sentence.
Imagine if that was the system for landing airplanes? And the pilot coming in to land says, "Excuse me captaincaptain "whatever your name is, cos we've no fuckin' badges.
" LAUGHTER "Are the wheels down? "Oh, it doesn't matter!" BOOF! That wouldn't that be a nice way for the Hoolihans to start their two weeks in Fuengerola! Do you know what, Mammy? What? You do this every time.
Ah, don't exaggerate, I never flew an airplane in me buckin' life.
You mess everything up when I try to do my own thing! You're getting paranoid.
Am I? Yes! Well, what about Teddy Brannigan? Teddy Brannigan? That was a long time ago.
Yes, it was, but you still remember it, don't you? Oh, I remember, all right.
LAUGHTER You were sixteen years of age! Not a titty to your name.
I was going to get you glasses so people would know which way you were facing! The neighbours used to say, "Here comes Cathy Brown with the two backs".
Teddy Brannigan used to go up and down our road at two o'clock in the morning, "Neeeeow, neeeeeow, brrm.
" If he got a motorbike, he'd be dangerous! And you, running behind him with your helmet on you! I was in love! Love, my arse! What would you know about love at sixteen? Especially to a thug like that.
Oh, Mammy, if you had your way, I'd never get a man! It'd help if you'd stop electrocuting 'em! I saved you! You saved me? Don't try and thank me now! I'm not thanking you.
I don't know what you're talking about! You wouldn't have been happy! Well, I'm not happy now, so there! You should talk to yourself and leave them alone! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ, yourself! You won't even let me THEY ARGUE LOOK! This is a waste of time! Is it? Mammy, it's not just Teddy Brannigan, is it? No man I ever meet will be good enough for you, will they? Where did I leave my violin? I'm going to me room.
Go to your room Oh, Jesus! How could you do that? How could you beat your mother? I brushed off you! You beat me! Oh, my Jesus It's gone dead! It's gone dead, look, it's feckin' dead! Look it's feckin' Oh, Cathy, I can't turn left! It's spreading Oh! LAUGHTER Jesus Christ, I've gone blind! Cathy! I'm going! Is she still there? This is ridiculous! Cathy! Cathy, wait! Cathy, please Cathy, let me explain! Cathy Cath Don't bring me up them feckin' stairs! You saw that, now.
I was minding my own business and she feckin' attacked me! This is because she forgot the feckin' badges.
I tell you now, if Jesus Christ appears to me and asks me to sacrifice a child she's fuckin' gone! Well, I feel much better after that.
So do I.
I'm so sorry, Maria.
No, Dermot, look I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have made a big deal about us moving in.
Yes, you should! You were right, Maria.
You mean you want us to live together? On one condition.
What? Will you marry me, Maria? Oh, yeah I will.
Right! Let's go down to Foley's and tell everyone! Haha! I thought that went well.
Yeah, Mammy, it did, it was a great idea.
Thanks, love.
I'll get you a cup of tea.
BANGING I swear that man thinks I'm on a feckin' bungee rope! What do you want now? 'I think I'm dying!' Yeah? Well, call me when you're sure.
Go up and see what's wrong with him will you, Cathy? Tell him if he doesn't behave, I'll come and take his temperature! Cathy! Here, love, that's for you.
What's this? Encyclopaedia Britannica.
It's a phone number.
Yes, it's Teddy Brannigan's phone number.
You know I don't like gossip, but I was down at me yoga classes and .
.
I was levitating beside Mary Matthews and she was talking about Teddy Brannigan.
His wife shagged off on him, left him with two young kids, two years ago.
It's not easy on your own with young children, and I know that.
And I I thought a phone call might cheer him up.
You know you get a phone call sometimes, "Hello? "Oh, Jesus I'm cheered up!" Anyway that's his number Thank you, Mammy.
You're welcome! I mean it, Mammy.
Really.
Thank you.
I know you do.
Thatthat's what we do, love mothers that's what we feckin' do.
That's it, I suppose, you know.
I'm not a cleaner, or a businesswoman.
I'm a mother.
And, and that's what we do.
That! He's still a buckin' thug! Who are you talking to, Mammy? Nobody.
Just meself, you know.
Nobody important.
Goodnight.
Say hello to the Queen of Dublin Town As the best mum of all She wears a crown Mother hen watching over chicks A sassy old lady full of tricks It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Synch and correct by JustFuckingShit or teftel