Mulligan (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music playing]
[aliens chattering]
[in alien language] Attack!
Ah oui, I would like to purchase
cryptocurrency
- that was started by a famous DJ.
- [humans screaming]
Quoi?
Huh.
[in French] I wasted my life.
[dramatic music continues]
[humans continue screaming]
[birds squawking]
[cow moos]
[dramatic music continues]
[laughing evilly]
- [alarm blaring]
- [electronic beeping]
[in English] Europe has fallen.
Washington, D.C. is all that's left.
It's been a pleasure
serving with all of you.
Except Randall.
My dad's your boss.
- Not no more, champ.
- [woman shrieks]
[screaming]
[humans continue screaming]
[in alien language] Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay!
[humans continue screaming]
Who's them?
[adventurous music playing]
[both grunt]
- [heroic music playing]
- [man grunts]
- Lucy, look out!
- [Lucy yelps]
You know, three days ago,
if somebody told me aliens
were gonna blow up the planet,
but I'd get to meet you
Oh, okay. Now?
Uh, uh, kind of a weird time, but
[laser zaps]
[adventurous music playing]
Go save the planet, Matty!
I got this.
I may not be smart.
The only real job I ever had
was letting scientists
spray perfume in my eyes.
So, yeah, I may not be good at lists,
or, like, planning how
I'm gonna get home from places
Okay, cool! Earth is counting on you.
But if there's one thing I can do,
it's bring the high heat.
[adventurous music continues]
[Matty grunts]
[aliens screaming]
[in alien language] I wasted my life!
[in English] Yes!
[spaceships powering down]
Whoa! Whoa!
Ah! [grunts]
[Lucy screams]
- Matty!
- [Matty grunts]
Hang on!
Well, butter my biscuits.
That boy did it.
He destroyed the alien hive mind.
[humans] Ooh!
[dramatic music playing]
[crowd gasps]
[heroic music playing]
Now that's what I call a home run.
[both moaning]
[Lucy] Oh, now what do we do?
Now we rebuild,
or whatever.
[crowd cheering]
[grunts]
Okay, so now I'm just fully naked.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
And that's the guy who defeated me? Cool.
I totally blew up that ship.
[imitating Borat] Very nice! My wife!
I don't think I caught your name earlier,
young man.
Mulligan. Matty Mulligan.
Senator Cartwright LaMarr.
And it is an honor.
Thanks to you, a small, precious piece
of humanity survived.
But these people are gonna need
someone to lead them.
A new hero for a new world.
President Mulligan?
- [all cheering]
- I like the sound of that, Senator.
And of course, you'll need someone
experienced to be your number two.
[chuckles] Number two.
But yeah, sure.
Welcome aboard, chief.
And I know exactly
who I want to be my First Lady.
[Lucy gasps]
[tender music playing]
[Lucy] The grenade pin!
It's like a fairy tale
'cause we just met, and before that,
I was unconscious for a while.
[all cheering]
Matty and Lucy! Matty and Lucy!
Don't worry,
me and Lucy are gonna fix everything.
The end.
[all continue cheering]
Matty and Lucy! Matty and Lucy!
[dramatic sting]
Oh.
I should've stayed awake in school more.
Matty Uh, Mr. President.
Is inflammable the same as flammable
or the opposite?
[loud explosion]
Okay, it's the same.
English is funny, right?
[theme music playing]
[Matty grunts]
[Lucy] Oh, so sad.
[Matty] Oh, I know.
All that air and space just
[scoffs] gone.
God, this has gotta be
the worst time ever to be president.
We don't even have electricity.
[bottle hisses open]
[slurps]
[spits] Ugh!
It's warm! Why?
For, like, the hospitals or or whatever.
Well, at least we still have each other
and that silly Washington Wizards mascot
to make us laugh.
[mascot, muffled] Oh God!
The costume is fused to my skin!
[all chuckle]
I love that guy.
Well said, madam.
We are indeed fortunate to have
such an eloquent and exotic First Lady.
Well, I'm not First Lady yet,
but I'm looking forward to it.
As Miss Nevada, I started a program
that matched old magic-show tigers
with prisoners.
Just think what I could do as First Lady.
Oh my God, it's Matty and Lucy!
Well, it is indeed.
Matty and Lucy!
[all chanting] Matty and Lucy!
Matty and Lucy! Matty and Lucy!
- [Matty] Ah, you know it! Stay in school.
- [Lucy] Ah, mwah!
[all continue] Matty and Lucy!
[whimsical music plays]
Hmm.
[patriotic music plays]
Ugh, phones.
- Remember not answering phones?
- Aw! I miss that.
So, where you from?
Oh, right. Reno. You?
Boston. Go all the sports.
So, uh, first time in D.C.?
First time anywhere.
What else? What kind of Catholic are you?
Look, I really do wanna get to know you,
but I think there's more important stuff
for us to do first.
Oh yeah, totally. Say no more.
Oof.
Man.
Ah, jeez.
[Matty groans]
Come on, Matty, I believe in you.
You you do?
You blew up an entire alien army.
You can totally figure out how to
"restart Fast & Furious franchise."
Or one of the other ones.
It's not like you
have to do everything alone.
You've got me. And LaMarr.
Yeah, where'd that dude go?
All in favor? All opposed?
Zero-zero again.
That means the vice president
breaks the tie,
and I vote "aye."
Money is now considered a person
under the law.
Moving on.
I'm just saying, I bet there's lots
of people that can help out.
Mr. LaMarr is already doing politics.
Why don't we get, like, experts
to do the other stuff?
Lucy, dude, that's a great idea!
Yes. That way, I can focus
on the stuff I'm good at,
like giving everyone cool nicknames,
L-Dog,
while the experts take care of, you know,
water and food and all that stuff.
And hopefully figure out
why the birds are acting so horny.
- [upbeat rock music playing]
- [birds cooing]
- Ugh.
- Ew.
[acoustic sting]
[electric crackling]
Well, what a wonderful idea it was
to assemble this here cabinet, Miss Suwan.
I do so enjoy when beauty queens
dictate executive branch policy.
And you are very welcome.
Okay, so these are, like,
the smartest people on Earth.
Yes. Well, during the attack,
most of our nation's
scientists and intellectuals
fled the planet on Jeff Bezos' space ark.
[Bezos] Everyone laughed at Bezos,
but who's laughing now?
Bezos is! [chuckles]
Bezos wins
But that's why you've got me
to handle all the boring old legislating.
I've been Chair of the Senate Subcommittee
on Loopholes and Minutiae
since I was knee-high to a crumbleberry.
No, totally. You're my main guy.
But, I mean, we could use some help.
Starting with Dr. Farrah Braun.
She's a female scientist.
Just scientist is fine.
I was at DARPA.
Right now, my focus is on
getting the tap water to stop doing this.
- Oh God.
- [LaMarr groans]
But I kind of have
my hands full with the boys.
- Mom, Yu-Gi-Oh! won't play!
- I wanna watch Yu-Gi-Oh!
We've been over this,
the Internet doesn't exist anymore.
There's no screens. [chuckles]
My nanny melted,
and now there's no screens!
If there's no electricity,
is there no electronica?
Isn't that what the "elec" stands for?
What will the clubs in Ibiza play?
We Found Jeremy here
at the British Embassy.
Listen to that accent. Guy's a genius.
Are we to take Molly
and listen to silence?
Maybe Professor Prioleau can answer that.
He does history.
Oh, but that wasn't a history question.
And it was rhetorical.
Well, we're going around the table
in order, so
Yep, okay. Hi. I'm Simon Prioleau.
I'm a Georgetown post-doc
with a focus on 19th-century fonts
Okay, cool. Now all of you
are gonna love this next guy.
General Scarpaccio, sir.
Yeah, um, so as an important army man,
do I get to, like, shoot guns and stuff?
Of course, sir.
Thank you for your service.
I'm sorry, how old is he?
Whoa, dude.
One, racist.
Two, support the troops.
[whispers] Sorry.
We also found a dentist and a carpenter.
No, I sang backup vocals
for The Carpenters.
And a guy who owns a shoe store
that didn't get blown up.
Lots of debris out there! [chuckles]
Folks are gonna need shoes more than ever!
And as future First Lady
and your Miss America,
my causes are animals,
childhood obesity, and elder literacy.
Lucy Suwan, Washoe County, 5'6".
Wait, but if there's no food,
then there's no obesity, right?
You solved it!
[gasps] Yeah.
And I haven't seen
many old people since the attack.
We think the aliens targeted them first
because they assumed
that we revered our elders.
But I am worried about the animals.
I did a fact-finding tour
of the National Zoo this morning,
and the facts I found were not good facts.
We'd already be out of food
if the elephant hadn't 'sploded.
[Lucy gasps] Oh.
But the biggest issue's power.
The backup generator
barely produces enough juice
for the freezer and my Foreman Grill.
Are you sure I can't get you any elephant?
No, thanks.
[muttering] Elephant was my friend.
[screeching] I DON'T SPEAK GORILLA!!!
[in English] So the zoo has a generator?
Those poor animals might be
the last of their kind left on Earth.
We can't let them die out.
Speaking of losing things forever, eh,
the Smithsonian is kinda still on fire.
Imagine if we lost
Woodrow Wilson's Klan hood.
Why was that my example?
Okay, sure, but the bottled water
is running out fast.
And the people need music ♪
- Whoo! ♪
- So where do we start, sir?
Um, why is everybody looking at me?
I I don't know. You're the experts.
Yes, but you're the president
because you're good at throwing.
LaMarr, what are the things
that you're always having me sign?
Ah! Executive order.
You guys do it.
The president's right.
All this silly-billyness is beneath him.
Sir, your job isn't to sit in boring
meetings and make boring decisions.
You and Lucy,
y'all's job is to give people hope.
Those folks need something
to rally behind.
They need their heroes
to distract them from, uh
Oh my word.
Have we even had
a victory parade for y'all yet?
No, we haven't!
What the hell?
Do I get to wave?
- [triumphant music playing]
- [crowd clamoring, cheering]
- Hi there. How's it going?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, for everything.
- Thank you.
I actually like this.
Pulling a vehicle
is an honor in my culture.
No one believes you, pal.
I was a general.
They named a kind of hat after me.
Well, not bad, huh, Luce?
Everyone seems happy.
It's like a Reno car dealership opening,
and we're Frank Sinatra Jr.
To us.
How is this cold?
Where did you get a generator?
Oh, um, the generator store.
Yeah, nah, it's still open.
[zookeeper] I'm sorry, Kojo.
Some idiot stole the generator,
and all the food spoiled.
You and the others will need
to fend for yourselves from now on.
[muttering] Geri friend.
Geri spared in new world Kojo build.
[in English] Aw!
And and who's to say
what cold even means?
Right? I mean, like, what's cold to me
might feel burning hot
to, like, an ice person.
- [screams, shrieks]
- Huh?
- [woman screams]
- [Matty] Oh my God!
[Lucy gasps] Matty!
[elephant trumpeting]
Unrelated!
This is all his fault.
Dude, shut up!
- [booing]
- [man] How could you?
- [woman] You're the animal!
- [man] You're the worst!
- [booing continues]
- [scoffs] What's their problem?
So a bunch of zoo animals escaped.
It was only 'cause I wanted
to give everyone free beer.
Uh, yes, splendid.
But your loving public can be fickle,
so we need to pivot,
like Stonewall Jackson
at Chancellorsville,
or Dr. Martin Luther King also.
Is this really going to distract us?
I mean, we're running out of medicine
and dinosaur chicken nuggets.
And no, my boys won't eat
regular chicken nuggets.
Have you tried telling them
that they're actually dinosaur eggs?
Of course I have, Mr. Vice President.
I have two PhDs.
Oh, this will all just blow over.
Remember when Prince Charles dressed
that servant girl up like the queen
and tried to drown her in the bath?
That was only in the news for like a day.
Oh my God, princes aren't real, man.
This is real life.
And I'm afraid the news cycle
isn't as fast as it used to be.
Hey, everybody!
The president took the generator,
and now all the zoo animals got away.
Did you see? There's animals everywhere
'cause of the president!
Well, I agree with the protesters.
So boo!
Boo to you!
You knew animals was one of my causes.
Okay, executive order!
Everyone's gotta be nice to me again.
Listen, we need some good news.
Something to distract
our slack-jawed constituents.
I'm having a sale on Reeboks.
I might be able to reverse-engineer
some of my military tech
to purify the water,
but I don't have childcare
in the afternoon.
Uh-huh. And who's taking care
of your children now?
Uh, TOD-209 has them.
TOD is a, uh, cyborg super soldier
my lab was working on.
He helped fight the aliens.
No! No, bad TOD! Fight the aliens!
I told them he wasn't ready.
I'm sorry,
that's who's watching your kids?
You really need to choose
between your career and family, Doctor.
Still?
Uh, um, well, maybe saving the artifacts
in the old Smithsonian
- [shrieks]
- [gasps]
"President bad."
Check the other side, General.
Does it say "mama jama"?
It's just one side.
We gotta nip this unrest in its bud, sir,
which means doing something big.
You and Miss Suwan
are getting married tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
A big ol' royal wedding
will change the conversation,
give the people something
to get excited about.
Hey, for our first dance,
you can pick anything from Jock Jams.
- I I I don't wanna marry you.
- Huh?
I thought I could do this,
but those animals don't have homes now
because of you!
Who cares?
People deserve a generator, not animals.
It goes God, Jesus, people, animals,
plants, fish, bugs, dirt
We can circle back to the nuptials.
Uh, what else distracts ordinary folks?
Uh, does anyone have a trampoline?
- Knock, knock.
- Simon.
Um, I would've called first,
but, uh, there are no phones.
- In my head, I thought that was a joke.
- Really? How so?
Anyhoozzle, I just thought,
'Hey, you know, Dr. Braun's a scientist."
"Maybe she has some science stuff that
could put out all those museum fires."
Well, last year, I was working on
a cloud-seeding program for DoD.
The idea was if we could make it rain,
Kim-Jong Un
would have to cancel all his picnics.
But now I can't access the DARPA Intranet,
so I have to go through
the paper files, which are a mess.
This isn't even in the right box.
Ugh, boxes, am I right? [groans]
What's that? Sorry, I'm a little fried.
Work, and since the invasion,
I'm all my kids have.
[boy whimpers] Giant bugs.
No, don't bomb GameStop!
- [Simon] Ugh.
- It's overwhelming.
We may be the two smartest people
left on Earth, Simon,
but are we supposed to save civilization
all by ourselves?
[TOD-209] TOD get it. Is stressful time.
- Sounds like we all need unwind.
- [Simon gasps]
Well
[whimsical music playing]
- Hmm?
- [Simon] Mmm!
[patriotic music plays]
[Matty gasps]
[scoffs] First you blow up my planet,
now you block my bowling alley?
If you let me go,
you can bowl all you want.
And it's not even candlepin.
Well, no wonder everybody hates Nixon.
Ugh! What else can go wrong today?
Axatrax, two days ago, I was a hero,
president, engaged to a pre-attack 11,
and now everyone's pissed at me.
Look
[sighs] I get it.
I was in command of an unstoppable army,
I had the kitchen of my dreams, and now
You're a loser. Everyone hates you.
I hear you, bro.
Oh, wonderful, we're bonding.
Do you have sarcasm here?
I don't know what your life was like
before you totally beefed your invasion,
but all I've ever done is screw up.
My scholarship, my baseball career,
the hockey league I started with dogs,
but then I whipped a grenade
into that vent
I told them I wanted vent covers.
What was the point of all those meetings?
I finally got a win.
I mean, saving the planet is, like,
the first thing I've ever done right.
Why can't every day be like that?
Oh, so you want us to invade again?
No, but
- Huh.
- What?
What?
[panting]
Everyone watch out! It escaped!
I did not escape! This man let me out
- Hiyah!
- [Axatrax gasps]
- Ow, stop that!
- [Matty grunts]
Oh come on!
Ow!
- Get off my plane!
- [Axatrax continues grunting]
Lucy, look! I'm saving you
from the aliens again!
Come on, let's make out!
This is pathetic.
You let him out just to what,
capture him again?
- [Axatrax] Anyone see where my arm went?
- And for the record, you didn't "save me."
I was flying the hang glider.
Pageant prizes aren't always scholarships.
Sometimes they're hang-gliding lessons.
You were attached to me
in the little BabyBjörn thing.
I was not a baby. My feet could touch.
Green, about yea long.
You may be good at throwing grenades,
Matthew Mulligan,
but you are bad at president-ing,
because you're selfish.
Oh yeah? Well, your dumb causes are dumb.
Old people smell weird,
fat kids are funny,
and animals are supposed to be food.
- We should be eating that thing.
- [panda] Hmm?
Oh my God, you're the worst!
- Ugh!
- No, wait, come back.
I I was just negging you,
like in the book.
Lucy!
Oh, you love it.
[whimsical music plays]
Hmm.
She'll be here. Negging always works.
Hey, no rush.
I'm just psyched
to be doing priest stuff again.
Re-frocked, baby.
Uh, Mr. President, Lucy's not coming.
And if you ask me,
this here's an opportunity.
Did you really wanna marry
some chatty Catherine
with a bunch of big ideas?
But if she doesn't show up,
it would be wicked embarrassing.
Should I, like, pull a fire alarm
or something?
Not hardly.
No, the people need
their bread and circuses.
Right, like a churro.
Oh, believe me, I've seen what happens
when folks get disenchanted
with a movement.
If we don't give 'em
something they can believe in,
those hippies out there
are gonna turn into Charlie Mansonses,
which is why I arranged for backup.
[dramatic piano music playing]
- Wait, a what?
- Sandra was an NFL cheerleader.
You know they're not allowed
to wear underwear?
Wait, hold up.
I feel like I should meet her first.
You and I, we're a team here, son.
I'm the brains and the fingers of America,
but you, you're its handsome face.
And for me to do my job,
all I need is for you to smile
and give the people a little show.
Pretty as a painting, ain't she?
Now get it done!
So you have a ring,
or do you need me to hook you up?
[enchanting sting]
I guess we're missing
the president's wedding.
Screw him.
He's got to be the, like,
fourth-worst president ever.
For reals!
It's like the swamp is drained now.
'Cause the death rays boiled it.
Don't worry, we still got
a couple of white guys in charge.
Yeah! You know, before the aliens,
Senator LaMarr tried to make
Black History Month
a one-day holiday on February 31st.
The president told me his favorite book
is the script for Boondock Saints.
Yeah. [inhales]
Okay, so we should quit.
For sure. I mean,
why bother trying to preserve a world
that no one ever appreciated
to begin with?
Seriously. The only thing anyone but us
would miss in the whole Smithsonian
is, like, Fonzie's jacket.
Oh no, we can't lose Fonzie's jacket.
How will kids learn about Fonzies?
[both chuckling]
[TOD-209] TOD loot mimosas.
- [Dr. Braun] Whoo!
- [Simon] Yeah!
Good luck without us, Mr. President.
Oh, this is full of broken glass.
[TOD-209] TOD such a Miranda.
[sighs]
I couldn't go through with it, man.
Is this gonna be a regular thing now, or
LaMarr wanted me
to marry this cheerleader,
but I didn't even know her.
I mean, I don't know Lucy that good,
but she's brave,
and she cares about stuff,
and she's totally my type.
Yes, I remember your big speech.
And I am not on board
with freckles, period.
I hooked up with this one chick
whose face looked like
LaMarr was pretty pissed.
He took a glove off a corpse
and slapped me with it.
But I don't know. I mean,
I just couldn't get Lucy out of my head.
She hang glidered onto a spaceship,
and she said she believes in me.
No one's ever said that to me before.
I mean, my dad left his drywall business
to my little sister.
Ouch.
But I screwed it up with Lucy
just like I screw up everything else.
- Honestly, Axie
- Do not call me that.
Part of me wishes
you never even came to this planet.
- Shazbot.
- Why did you come here?
Earth is like a C-minus these days.
[sighs]
My planet is dying.
We used up
all the natural resources on Cardi-B
Your planet is named
It's a coincidence!
After we poisoned our environment,
my armada was sent
to clear Earth for resettlement.
We were going to have a clean slate.
A chance to do it right this time.
Yes! That's it!
I'm a genius!
And I knew your arm would grow back!
I don't believe you.
[gavel thuds]
The measure passes.
Gun ownership begins at conception.
- [Matty] LaMarr!
- Oh!
- Executive order!
- [heroic music plays]
[TOD-209]
Gang has several hours until curfew.
Checking movie listings.
The following movies are now playing:
No movies.
- Ugh, no kidding.
- [woman] Hey.
You guys gotta get to the National Mall.
Executive order.
[Lucy] Yoo-hoo!
Don't be scared, little animals.
Oink, oink.
Roar!
Giraffe noise?
- Ah, Lucy.
- Goshdamn it, Matty.
How'd you even find me here?
Two words. Helicopter.
Hi, Lucy. I helicoptered!
Hi, General Scarpaccio.
What do you want, Matty?
Come on, I gotta show you something.
Please?
Ugh, fine.
Giraffe noise?
- [turkey gobbles]
- [heroic music playing]
Wait, you did this?
[Matty] Yep. I executive ordered everyone
to pour all the skunked beer
on the museum fire.
You know, to save all the crap.
- Huh.
- I don't always just think of myself.
[Simon panting]
Mr. President, this is amazing!
Uh, ya think?
You see, I realized this whole mess
could actually be a good thing.
It's a clean slate.
It's America 2: The Sequel!
Well, you're describing more of a reboot
than a sequel, but but sure.
We rocked ass before.
Remember that fried chicken sandwich
where the bread was fried chicken?
But, okay, I'm gonna say it,
America wasn't perfect.
- What? Not America!
- It isn't? Why wasn't I told?
'Cause some people
couldn't get a fair shake,
no matter how many times
he applied to The Bachelor. [sighs]
So let's make a new world.
One where a guy like me
can win one for once.
Wow. Okay, maybe.
Also, maybe we could fulfill the promise
of the Declaration of Independence.
And we can finally have equal pay
and universal childcare.
[all chuckling]
[TOD-209] Ha. Ha. Good one, Farrah.
Goddamn it.
So yeah, let's save some stuff.
But only the good stuff.
I know how much you care about history.
It's Fonzie's jacket.
Yes, history.
Thank you, Mr. President.
What do you say? Can we start over?
Well, everyone deserves a second chance,
even the whole world.
So, like, you and me
have a real first date?
I don't know
if any Olive Gardens survived,
but no Olive Garden, okay?
Let's all start over. Tabula rasa!
And let's get it right this time.
[TOD-209] Yes, it is a new
[TOD-209 in distorted voice]
Error. Replace brain tank fluid. Error.
[all chuckling]
- This guy.
- TOD.
- Classic TOD.
- Yeah, you said it.
Oh God, where are my kids?
[LaMarr] Hmm.
That boy might could be a problem.
[uplifting music playing]
[eagle screeches]
[harp glissando]
[trumpet blows]
[Matty] Guys, I found a trumpet!
[closing theme music playing]
[music fades]