Muppets Now (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

KERMIT: You're watching Muppets Now
streaming directly
from the Muppets Studio!
Oh, um, let's (TYPING)
(LINE RINGING)
Oh! Oh, hey, Chief.
Uh, I can't really talk now.
I know, Scooter,
you're probably very busy,
but I'm just letting you know
that I looked at the title card
-and I have a few notes, so, um
-Great.
-Where'd I put the notes?
-Here's the thing, boss.
We need to upload Muppets Now now.
-Now? Wow.
-Now.
I know we wanna keep making it better,
but our due date is today,
-so I'm gonna drag everything over
-While you're doing that,
I'm gonna send a message to the gang
that you are uploading.
Wait! No. Please don't do that!
Oh, just a couple of well wishes.
(CHUCKLES)
For a second there,
I thought there was gonna be
tons of notes.
No, don't worry about it.
I'm sure the gang is all happy
with what we've done,
so I'm gonna leave you to it then,
Scooter, okay?
Wait, wait. No. No, no. No. Wait. No!
Hey, guys! I started this little vlog
as a way to give back to the people
who love me the most.
Everyone! And it all starts now!
Are you kidding me with this title?
This is not what we talked about!
-(UNCLE DEADLY SIGHS)
-"Life style!" "Style!"
Texting the graphics team in Lithuania.
Today's topic is personal style.
Ooh, in that case,
shall I pick a different outfit for you?
(MISS PIGGY GROWLS)
MISS PIGGY:
Pick clothes that complement you.
Or at least a wardrobe person who does.
Ooh, Piggy, you are working this top.
-(MISS PIGGY CHUCKLES)
-To death.
-What was that?
-Nothing.
MISS PIGGY:
Accentuate your favorite features.
What's your favorite feature, Deadly?
Well, um, I'd have to say
that I've always been partial to my beard.
I mean favorite feature of mine!
Of course. It would be your
Careful.
Everything?
Correct! Thank you!
MISS PIGGY: Own your flaws.
They're what make you one of a kind.
Deadly, what's my biggest flaw?
-I don't want to play this game.
-Oh, come on. It'll be fun!
No, I shan't!
Come on! I'm gonna own it!
What's my biggest flaw?
All right. Well, are we talking
external flaw or internal flaw?
-Get outta my sight.
-There it is.
I am so excited to try something new
with you.
I know. Me too. It's very exciting.
-Today
-Yeah. Ooh!
A face slapping massage.
A what?
This is a very real treatment, Miss Piggy,
purported to plump skin,
reduce wrinkles, diminish pores
and increase blood circulation.
-Ready?
-MISS PIGGY: Wait.
I'm in. All my friends are doing it.
We're cool.
Not that you need it.
All right, let's try it!
Our beautician Margaret will begin.
All righty then.
It's so wonderful to meet you, Mr. Diggs.
Good to meet you. I'm excited.
-Are you ready?
-I'm so ready. Go on.
-All right, here we go. Slap, slap.
-Oh!
-Ah, that wasn't so bad.
-Mmm-hmm.
Slap, slap.
Oh, that looks okay.
Yes. I can feel it working.
It's like a wave of energy.
Oh, oh, oh!
I want that! My turn! My turn!
All right, I go to the pig.
You just relax, Mr. Diggs.
-Gimme some of that.
-Be right back.
-My skin is already quite supple-- Ow!
-(GRUNTS)
-Slap. And, um
-Whoa!
-(GRUNTS)
-(EXCLAIMS) What the what
Yeah. You feeling your skin tingle?
Whoa! What was
Like champagne for your cheeks, right?
-Hey!
-(MISS PIGGY GRUNTING)
Just release it, Piggy.
(PANTING HEAVILY)
-Ooh, Piggy.
-Yeah?
You look good.
-Oh, thank you.
-TAYE DIGGS: Yeah.
(MISS PIGGY GIGGLES)
Where's Margaret?
Hmm. I don't know.
Welcome to the world's
most fabulous panel discussion.
To discuss today's topic (READING)
-We have, Janice
-Ooh, wow!
-Rosie
-(BLEATS)
and as always, my good friend,
Linda Cardellini! Welcome!
-Hi! Hi, Piggy.
-Hello!
Linda, how would you describe your style?
-If that's what you call it.
-(UNCLE DEADLY GRUNTS)
-Well, I like to be comfortable.
-Oh, for sure.
-But when I'm going out to some
-I can tell.
You have something else
you can change into?
Janice and I were told business casual,
but it looks like
you have a really fancy dress on.
And, like, clothes are just,
like, an option, you know.
Yeah.
So, now, this is the part
where we answer questions from the fans,
so that I don't have to think of
more than just one question.
-That part was out loud.
-Hmm?
UNCLE DEADLY:
Leigh from Seattle wonders
"Who should I look to
for style inspiration?"
-Oh, moi!
-Uh
Definitely. I mean, that's what
everybody's gonna say.
-Right, Linda?
-Uh, that
That's what I was going to say.
-See?
-Well, not moi. I was gonna say you.
-Yes. Yes. Yes. (CHUCKLES)
-(CHUCKLES) Yes.
You can dress in sparkly dresses.
-You can
-Yes, Linda.
-You can wear gloves.
-Mmm.
But can a dandelion become a rose?
Can a mosquito become a butterfly?
No.
Well, I leave you with that to ponder.
Until next time, everyone,
au revoir!
-Bye!
-Bye-bye.
(ROSIE GRUNTING)
(FLOWER POT CLATTERS)
(BLEATS)
Thank you so much for watching
moi's first episode ever of Lifesty!
Oh! Lifestyle. Gotta remember that.
(SCOOTER SIGHS DEEPLY, CLICKS TONGUE)
(DINGS)
She is not okay. Mmm-mmm.
(ANNOUNCER READING)
Is this the final title
we're gonna go with?
Welcome to Muppet Masters,
where we discover the hidden talents
of the muppets you think you know so well.
Today (GASPS)
Kermit the Frog!
Ringleader, cheerleader, bottom feeder
That's technically not an insult
because as you can see, I am a frog.
But did you know
that our muppet master of ceremonies
is also a master photographer?
Where (HESITATES) Who told you that?
WALTER: I am so excited to learn
about photography from you.
Yeah, so, Walter,
what I need to tell you is
That I should operate
by the rule of thirds. Right, Kermit?
-Actually
-I researched this.
Get the face in the right
or left, two-thirds of the frame,
and the eyes on the top, horizontal.
Portraiture, a fine art
for important subjects.
Thank you, Sam.
Walter, are we aiming
more Norman Rockwell or Grant Wood?
No preference here,
both great American photographers.
Walter, this is great,
but I gotta level with ya.
Oh! The level, of course!
-(SIGHS)
-I should fix the horizon line.
We could use a crop tool later,
but it's better
to solve these issues in camera.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Walter,
just take the picture and I'll show you.
All right. Okay. Ready, Sam?
-Here we go.
-SAM: Hmm.
One, two, three.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Okay.
(EXCLAIMS)
Kermit How did you
You see, Walter,
I'm not a photographer, I'm a photobomber.
-Say what now?
-A photobomber.
Yeah, it's fun, huh?
I've been sneakin' into
the back of people's photos for years,
I mean, as long as I can remember.
It's kinda my secret hobby.
Did not see this coming.
Yeah. You never do
and that's the point, Walter.
Which do you think is my more noble side?
-Here? Or here?
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Should I adjust the shutter speed?
Go faster, so you don't blur.
Look, Walter, you handle the photography
and let me handle the photobomby.
All right. Here we go.
One, two, three.
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
-One, two, three. Three, two, one.
(WALTER GASPS)
How are you doing this?
I don't even see you move.
I do not know how you do that.
Well, I'm just
sort of built for it, Walter.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
-WALTER: Yeah.
KERMIT: Okay, come on. We need to see
the photobomb in a real world situation.
WALTER: Whoa!
KERMIT: Yeah.
We almost have it?
Ah, I see what we're doing.
A time-lapse. Yes, yes.
Very good. Very good.
I will hold perfectly still.
Walter, it's important to try out
-some photobombs in the wild.
-Hmm.
First you need to find someone
-who isn't paying attention
-Ah.
-We're putting this on your Insta page.
-Right.
Then we'll do some stories.
-Yes? All right.
-Yes.
-The right target is key.
-(WALTER GASPS)
-UNCLE DEADLY: Wonderful.
-I've got this.
MISS PIGGY: Ready to do this?
-Good luck, Walter. No.
-UNCLE DEADLY: Excellent.
We are going to boost my influence,
-let's not forget that.
-Of course.
-What's this one called?
-Oh, yes.
-Hashtag, send me makeup.
-All right.
-And? What's the next one?
-Okay. Now we have
(WHISPERS) Walter.
Hashtag, send me diamonds.
-Oh, lovely. Yes.
-(MISS PIGGY GIGGLES)
-Not a good idea.
-UNCLE DEADLY: And we've got it.
-MISS PIGGY: Now
-Can't watch.
MISS PIGGY: Pièce de résistance.
UNCLE DEADLY: Right.
-WALTER: Ooh.
-Ha
Hashtag, send me lifetime
supply of chunky chips!
UNCLE DEADLY: We'll do this
on personal, shall we?
-Hashtag, get out of my shot!
-But I didn't
-Hi-yah!
-(WALTER SCREAMS)
-(WALTER GROANS)
-(WHIMPERS)
Oh, well, uh, you just learned
the most important rule of photobomby.
-Photobombing?
-That's right.
That sometimes, you bomb the photo,
sometimes, the photo bombs you.
Let's get you down from there, little guy.
-All right? I'm just gonna pull.
-Yeah. Okay.
-KERMIT: One, two, three. (YELPS)
-(BODY THUDS)
(SWEDISH CHEF SPEAKING FAUX SWEDISH)
SCOOTER: Uh-huh.
Yeah, I, I hear you, Chef!
Yep! Exactly what I was thinking.
Got your email. We're all good here, Chef.
No idea what he's saying.
(SWEDISH CHEF CONTINUES
SPEAKING FAUX SWEDISH)
(POLSKA MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome to Okey Dokey Kookin!
I am your host, Beverly Plume,
and today, we bring
two chefs, two cuisines
two dishes together
in one challenge for your taste buds.
Our first challenger is, of course,
our very own Swedish che (HESITATES)
Yes, well, we are delighted
to welcome our guest challenger,
a multi-talented culinary artist,
Carlina Will!
(BOTH SQUEALING)
I'm so glad you're here!
Thank you! I'm glad to be here!
We are supposed to have
the Swedish Chef here to get--
-(HUMMING)
-(GIBBERS)
(SPEAKING FAUX SWEDISH)
so glad you could finally make it.
Hmm. (SPEAKING FAUX SWEDISH)
Let's dive into a delicious dish
with roots in Carlina's culture!
A flavorful (READING)
Now, Carlina, you've already got
a few things going on here.
CARLINA: Yeah. I have my curried chicken,
which was simmering for an hour
on the stove.
-BEVERLY: Oh!
-Oh, oh, oh!
(SWEDISH CHEF GRUNTS)
-Everything all right, Chef?
-Yep, yep, yep.
-(SIGHS)
-Oh, my goodness. Okay!
Too long to explain. I
I'm gonna cut up these potatoes,
and then you're just gonna want them
to be in little squares like this.
I'm just gonna put some of those in there.
Carrot, fresh basil Smell it a little.
-(SNIFFS) Oh!
-Smells so good.
BEVERLY: All righty then. Chef? Uh
CARLINA: I didn't say popcorn, but okay.
Well (HESITATES) he's got a style.
(SWEDISH CHEF HUMMING)
-CARLINA: Is that a whole pineapple?
-Mixee.
Okay. What are you
(CHICKEN CLUCKING)
-Oh! Uh
-Wait. What is happening over there?
Chef, I see you're marinating
your chicken.
-Yep. Marinating the chickee.
-(CHICKEN CLUCKING)
Chickee, chickee, chickee!
-Oh.
-I'm concerned.
Okay. We're gonna add some curry
and then we're gonna let it cook
for another 15 to 20 minutes.
Oh! Glorious!
And, Chef-- Ah!
Chef! You have a little spot of fire
on your
It's the spicy curry! (BLOWING AIR)
-(BEVERLY GIBBERING)
-CARLINA: Uh
He's making it burn.
(WHIMPERING)
-(BOTH COUGHING)
-(FIRE EXTINGUISHER HISSES)
-(SPITS)
-Ugh!
I understand that you are
also preparing some plantains
-that complement your curry.
-Huh?
Okay, so this is actually a spin
on my family's recipe.
So, with plantains you usually just eat it
as a side for the curry.
Yes. Chef! What are you doing?
Ooh! Making the plantaes!
BEVERLY: No. "Plantains."
You know, the curved yellow fruit.
Looks a little like a banana.
Okay.
(BEVERLY HESITATES AND GROANS)
What
Those are bananas! And Ugh!
(SWEDISH CHEF GRUNTING)
CARLINA: First you're just gonna cut them
into little circles.
Just gonna slowly add in your oil.
-SWEDISH CHEF: Squishy, squishy. Squishy.
-Oh, I
Okay, Chef.
He is bananas.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
CARLINA: All right, so you see that
it's bubbling already.
-Let's add in some of the pineapple.
-BEVERLY: Whoo!
CARLINA: And then we have
some of the mango.
-Chef, how's your curry coming along?
-Hmm?
Ooh, any minute.
Okay. All right.
-Gonna check it.
-CARLINA: Look at these.
BEVERLY: We are about ready, aren't we?
CARLINA: Yes.
BEVERLY: (SING-SONG) It's plating time!
We're gonna start
with the plating of the plantain.
You want the plantain on the bottom,
then you do a pineapple
and then a mango cube.
-So, Chef.
-Yep.
Carlina is plating her dish.
Okey-dokey!
Hmm. All right.
-(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
-Hmm. (CLEARS THROAT)
CARLINA: What I'm going to do
is get some of the rice,
-and then we have the beans.
-(BEVERLY CHUCKLES)
I'm gonna put this piece in for you,
and then I have some carrots, potatoes
BEVERLY: It smells and looks delicious!
Here you go.
This is the curry chicken,
with rice and beans!
(SQUEALS) It's so beautiful!
Thank you!
-We can share with Chef, I guess.
-MAN: Delivery for an S. Chef?
BEVERLY: Oh, Carlina,
that is simply glorious!
Well What?
-Chef, I--
-SWEDISH CHEF: Plantaes.
BEVERLY: I Ugh.
Right. Well, there it is.
We have Carlina's delectable
curry and plantains,
-and the Swedish Chef's
-Ta-da!
effort.
Thank you, Carlina!
CARLINA: Thank you so much!
And you, Chef, please pay
your delivery person.
-No tip. No tip.
-MAN: No, but, I just--
Please do join us again
-for some Okey Dokey Kookin!
-I just need a signature.
So long!
-Thank you for having me!
-So sorry.
I just need someone to sign.
Anybody here. Please?
Carlini, Carlini.
-Can you sign, please?
-Is this Chef's credit card?
-Oh, yeah.
-MAN: That's the
No, no! No! No tipping! No tipping!
-Thank you.
-So long, everyone!
Bye.
(SIGHS)
-Hey, Scooter!
-Oh, hey, Gonzo,
I'm about to upload.
I hope it's not my survival show
where I live in the woods for 30 days
using only my wits and a salad fork.
Uh No.
Oh, good, because I haven't shot it yet.
(CHUCKLES)
-I gotta go.
-Wait! Gonzo!
Aren't you taking your camera with you?
-GONZO: That'd be cheating!
-Of course it would.
ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to Mup Close and Personal,
where Kermit the Frog talks to
fellow professional multitasker, RuPaul.
The Muppets are so excited
about this episode's guest.
We've been talking about it all week.
So, without any further ado,
let me introduce the one and only RuPaul!
(CHUCKLING)
-Hi, Kermit.
-Hi there, RuPaul.
Hey, you know, I am in such awe of you.
You're a host, an actor. Right?
You're a model, a singer, an author,
and so much more.
But my first question has gotta be
(CLEARS THROAT)
how do you find the time?
(LAUGHS)
You know, when you love something, Kermit,
you find the time.
That's very true.
Can I ask you what would you say
to seven-year-old RuPaul
if you met them right now?
I would say,
you are on the right track, baby.
Keep laughing, keep dancing, keep smiling,
and keep loving.
And I would also add to that, um,
allow people to love you,
because, for most humans,
that's a very scary thing.
-Yeah.
-I've had to teach myself how to do it.
I've had to practice doing that.
You know what, RuPaul?
You are really inspiring me today.
-This is really great.
-Excuse me, pardon me, I'm sorry.
-Gonzo--
-Hello, RuPaul!
Hi! Oh, it's great to see you.
Excuse me, Gonzo, we were
I just have a couple of questions
for RuPaul.
-Sure.
-doing an interview.
Um, how many pennies do you think
would fit in this room here?
-It's a lot. I don't know how many.
-GONZO: Yeah.
RUPAUL: Uh
Yeah, I'm not good with math, Gonzo.
Okay. Well, we can move on.
Gonzo, please, just move on.
I just have another one.
You know how spiders crawl
in your mouth when you're sleeping?
-Who says that?
-Everybody says it.
Are you also disappointed
that you're not awake for that?
-(KERMIT SIGHS)
-Well, uh
You know, I don't know how to answer that.
-You don't have to answer that.
-No, let him go.
-You can move on. It's okay.
-He wants to.
Um, yeah, I'd like to meet a spider
who's bold enough
to crawl into my mouth. (LAUGHS)
KERMIT: Thank you, Gonzo.
Okay, now let's just suppose
if you were sitting
on a trap door over a pit of crocodiles,
would you wanna know about it?
-Why do you keep looking down there?
-I'm just looking.
Would you wanna know?
Yes, I Well, no. I would
I mean, I love the surprise of that,
and I love trap doors, by the way,
I just don't wanna be on top of one.
I would love to be able to control
a trap door.
If a Queen disappoints me,
I can just press a button and say,
"Sashay away."
Doing!
-Bennie, he wants the switch.
-Wait. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, all right, Gonzo. Are you finished?
-I'm done.
-Thank you very much.
-Oh, my God!
-GONZO: Oh, my gosh.
He's here! I heard he was coming.
-And you're here.
-Howard.
We're shooting something here.
Oh, my goodness, it's you!
-You're Howard?
-HOWARD: Yes!
-It's Howard. I'm sorry.
-Can I come over here
-I wanna touch the fabric and the man.
-Pleasure to meet you.
(RUPAUL AND HOWARD LAUGHING)
-KERMIT: Howard!
-Yeah! What?
I've been trying to do an interview.
Do you mind just
Oh, can I
Let me just stay.
-I've got a few questions--
-Sorry.
If you don't mind just being quiet.
-You're wonderful!
-Thank you.
-You're so wonderful.
-That's very kind of you.
I'm gonna go ahead and ask the questions.
Okay.
-Where you were born and raised?
-San Diego.
I'm sorry, I won't interrupt.
Well, no, he's right. I'm from San Diego.
-San Diego. Okay, great. Howard, please.
-Okay, sorry.
Your name, you know, it's kind of unique.
How did you get your name?
Well, his mother, Ernestine,
who was from Louisiana,
apparently based it on the gumbo, correct?
-The base of the gumbo.
-Yeah.
You make a roux before you make a gumbo
and that's where she got it.
That's why his mother called them that.
That would've been great to hear
RuPaul tell me that
instead of you, Howard.
-Yes.
-(LAUGHING)
All right, uh
-Do you come from a big family, or--
-Three sisters.
-(KERMIT SIGHS)
-Okay. I've said too much.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna "sashay away."
(HOWARD LAUGHING)
Ru, I really appreciate your patience.
-No problem.
-Ru, wonderful to see you!
(CHUCKLES) Hello, Miss Piggy!
I didn't know you were going to be here.
You look gorgeous, by the way.
MISS PIGGY: Thank you.
I wasn't fishing, but I'll take it.
While I'm here,
I just have a question for you.
Okay.
"Diva," it's a positive term, right?
Oh, absolutely.
It's a term of endearment.
It's a term that really signifies
your importance in the industry,
and, madam,
you are the most important female figure
in the entertainment industry. Absolutely.
-Did you hear that?
-Unfortunately, yes.
Unfortunately you heard it.
I could not agree with you more.
(CHUCKLES)
Now, we're both fashion role models.
Well, sure, I know you are.
Yes, yes, No. No, you are too!
I wanna know what you think your clothes
say about you.
Well, it's great to have a body,
and I wanna celebrate it
by putting beautiful clothes on it.
-Yes.
-Yeah.
-Okay. Thank you, Miss Piggy.
-Oh, are you hungry?
-Wanna do lunch? Let's do it!
-MISS PIGGY: Sure.
-Let's go grab some lunch.
-I love that idea.
Ru is doing something right now, Piggy.
Trying to do an interview here,
right, with me!
-Oh, right.
-Well, all right, then.
-All right.
-(MISS PIGGY SIGHS)
-Sorry, we'll do it later.
-Rain check?
-Okay.
-RUPAUL: Piggy, thank you!
-Okay.
-MISS PIGGY: Bye.
All right. Bye-bye.
-She is so wonderful.
-She's something else. (CLEARS THROAT)
I'm really sorry I lost it there, but--
Kermit, just remember.
If you're in a jam like that,
you've gotta center yourself, right?
Breathe,
laugh,
repeat.
-Breathe, laugh, repeat.
-Simple.
-(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
-(LAUGHS)
You know, it is simple. Thanks--
Kermit, you're dying out here!
What are you doing?
All these interruptions.
I know, Fozzie, believe me.
Leave it to me, I got an idea.
You do? You're gonna keep everybody away
while I finish up my last question
with RuPaul?
No. Even better.
I'll have everybody
ask their questions at once.
-Hey, everybody!
-GONZO: What is it?
-Come on in. Yeah.
-(RUPAUL CHUCKLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
KERMIT: Thank you very much--
Thank you very much, RuPaul!
Thanks to our guest RuPaul.
We'll see you next time.
(NERVOUSLY) Uh
You know, maybe we should end it here!
End it here.
We'll see you next time! Moving on.
HOWARD: In episode seven, season two,
where'd you get the jacket?
-(KERMIT SIGHS)
-The one with the sequins on the lapel.
RUPAUL: made for me.
Great news, Chief! Everything is uploaded!
Ah, thank you very much, Scooter.
And I hope that nobody drove you crazy
with any last-minute requests or notes?
Nope! You know,
it comes with the territory.
-Huh. Gee, that is just great, Scooter.
-Mmm-hmm.
Because I got some thoughts
for the next batch and I'd like to, well,
I'd like to swap out
some of the music and, oh, the graphics.
The graphics still need work.
I mean, it's all great, but
Uh Scooter, are you okay?
Hmm? Oh (HESITATES)
Yes. Got a busted chair, Chief.
Mmm-hmm.
-Ah, your chair. I know how that can be.
-Yeah. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
Anyway, I was thinking that maybe,
everything could be
a little tighter perhaps.
-I've got notes here.
-SCOOTER: Tighter
Starting from the top,
maybe some kind of, um
-Some sort of
-(SCOOTER GRUNTS)
Scooter?
Scooter?
Sheesh.