My Left Nut (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS: What is it,
anyway? Did I do that?
Or was it always there?
I should probably tell someone.
No, fuck that, I can't.
It's all Tommy's fault
I found it in the first place.
Here, do you ever
stick your finger up yer bum?
What? What are you on about, Tommy?
Well, I was up in the Gaeltacht
last summer, right,
and I was getting with this
absolute beauty.
You're such a spoofer.
No, I'm serious, right?
She was speaking away to me
in Irish,
well, I haven't a clue what she
was talkin' about,
but it was so hot.
You only find the Irish language
sexy because your da was in the Ra.
My da wasn't in the IRA.
Then how come we found a box full
of balaclavas under your stairs?
Cos he gets cold,
he's got weak blood vessels.
Anyway! We was out in one of the
fields, right,
and things start to get a bit hot
and heavy, do you know what I mean?
And she starts making all these
Irish sex noises.
She asks me a question, I just
nod my head. I can't even speak,
I'm in that much ecstasy,
and next thing I know
She shoves her finger
right up my hole!
In your bum?!
Tommy, that's stinkin'!
I'm telling you, it is unbelievable.
I'm addicted.
So now, like, once or twice a week,
I sit down and really treat myself.
I put on some Sinead O'Connor
and explore the depths of my rect
Get away!
Rachael.
Need a hand? Aye, good one.
What do you have this for?
Art. It's for drawing,
so you have a reference.
So can I have it back?
Yeah.
Ahhhh! My hand! No-o-o-o-o!
Fucking hell.
MICK CHUCKLES
So, er, where's yous off to?
Tescos, to grab some lunch.
Do you want to come with?
What? With you?
Only if you're free. If you don't
want to, it's fine. No, no
Here, Mick! Ask them if they're up
for a bit of anal play!
Not with you anyway, you wee rat!
Let's go, Rachael.
You love it, Siobhan!
What the hell was that, Tommy?
They love it!
No, they don't, you spoon!
You scared them off!
He's right. Look, you'll never get
a bird like that, Tommy.
You need to be more sensitive.
See, that's what Niamh
likes about me.
When are we ever going to
meet this Niamh?
She's very busy down in Newry.
Why don't you bring her up to
Belfast for once?
You and Niamh, me and Siobhan,
and Mick and Rachael.
She's well into you, man.
Not any more, you dickhead.
Nah, she is.
Do you reckon?
Do you see that wooden hand?
I bet she shoves that right
up her doot.
Oh, piss off!
THEY LAUGH
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STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS:
Maybe Rachael does like me,
but Tommy is always talking shite -
like this finger-up-the-bum craic.
What's that about?
I've never heard of sticking
your finger up your bum before.
But then
..I've never been with a girl
either.
But if Tommy's doing it,
maybe everyone's doing it.
And if everyone's doing it,
I'm not going to be
the one weirdo who's not doing it!
I'm testing out the back door
system.
# Cos it's easy
# Once you know how it's done
# You can't stop now
# It's already begun
# You feel it runnin'
through your bones
And you jerk it out ♪
MUSIC FADES
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS:
What's that?!
What IS that?
Was that always there?
Shit, did I do that?
Was I wanking too hard?
Michael! Dinner!
Yeah.
Sure, we always knew she was like
that - it's all fur coat with her.
Still a couple of stalls to fill
at this bloody charity thing.
Don't know why I'm doing
it in the first place.
Oh, my God, are you serious?!
Here, two seconds.
Mum, I'm finished. Can I be excused?
Me, too.
What about the dishes?
BOTH: Bagsy not me!
You're slow off the mark today.
You feeling OK?
Yeah. Grand.
You've barely touched your dinner,
do you not like it?
Father Donal likes it
when I cook it for him.
Why do we always have to eat
leftovers from a priest?
Because I get paid to cook for him
and, if he has leftovers,
they're not going to go to waste.
There's people starving all over
this world. Now, come on.
They'll put hairs on your chest.
What, are you not hungry?
Hmm. Oh, for God's sake, fine,
leave it.
I'll do these, you go on up and do
your homework. Honest to God.
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY
Ye-o, ten kills!
Suck my hairy ballbag!
How are you on ten already?
Ah, shite.
I've got magic fingers,
just ask your ma.
My ma says you're shite.
Oh, come on, come on!
Tommy and Conor's ma, ye-e-o!
Ah, your ma's your da, Mick!
Conor, don't be like that!
Ah, shit.
I didn't mean to bring up your da.
It's grand. It's just what you say.
I know, but
Oh, fuck's sake, Mick,
that was never a kill!
Um, here, lads
What?
Well, um
Yes, shotgun, sweet!
Well
HE STUTTERS
I was trying out, you know,
earlier on, the pokey bum wank
thing and
You stinker!
You actually tried that?!
No, I was going to, but
You're absolutely rotten.
Why would you even do that?
Ye-o! My influence spreads far
and wide.
It's good, isn't it?!
Well, I didn't actually
Yes! Yes!
Got you, Mick, you're dead!
Ah, shit.
Ha, you can't play properly with all
that shite on your fingers!
What?!
It was your idea, Tommy! Anyway
It's not about that.
It was afterwards Ye-o-o!
Shitey Fingers Mick! I found
Shitey Fingers Mick
Can you just shut up for two
seconds? I'm trying to
BOTH CHANT: Shitey Fingers Mick!
Shitey Fingers Mick! f
CONTROL CLATTERS
Pricks.
DOOR OPENS
What's all that effin'
and blinding about? Nothin'.
What is wrong with you this evening?
Come on, there's clearly something
wrong. What's up?
How did Dad first know he was sick?
You want to know about that?
I've just been thinking about it.
Well, um
..it was around Easter, um
..when he realised something
was wrong,
so that was That was what?
About a year, year and a half
before he died.
Because we were on holiday
in Donegal, in Jackson's
Do you remember Jackson's Hotel in
Ballybofey?
The one where you wet the bed? Mum!
Well, uh, yeah, we were there
and, uh, we were in
the pool and he
..couldn't lift his arm
to make a stroke.
Yeah, I gave off stink to him,
you know, I just kept saying,
"Oh, in the name of God, Jimmy, when
was the last time you were swimming?
"You're not fit, you need to join a
gym! Blah, blah, blah, blah"
No, he was
SHE SIGHS
He was obviously worried that the
feeling in his arm, you know
..it wasn't right.
PHONE RINGS
RINGING STOPS
HE EXHALES
SOFTLY: What has you thinking
about your dad?
You've You've never
really spoken about him before.
I-I don't know.
Don't remember much about him.
Well
Anything you want to know,
you just ask, OK?
Any time you want,
we'll talk about him.
Big eejit that he was.
PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE
I'll get it!
Or you can talk to him.
He won't talk back, but
..he's listening.
Mick! It's Tommy for you!
What does he want?
I don't know, do I?
You know, I could ask
Father Donal to talk to you.
I'm not talking to a priest.
All right, Tommy? Why aren't you
answering your phone?
Making me ring your house phone
like a weirdo.
Least I got to speak to your sister,
though.
She's gaggin' for the ride!
TOMMY GIGGLES
Shut up. What do you want?
Well, I've got big news,
but you bitched out of the game
before I could tell you.
You've got a date this Saturday!
A date, what?
Aye, I got onto Siobhan.
Me and her, you and Rachael,
hitting up the cinema.
Are you serious?
Rachael actually said she wanted to
go with me, like? Well/
I mean, I didn't actually speak to
Rachael. Siobhan's sorting it.
OK, OK. Wow. Class. What's on?
Well, it doesn't matter what film's
on, you spanner!
Dark room, back row, cut a hole
in the bottom of the popcorn box.
No-one actually does that, do they?
Well, I mean, they don't actually do
the popcorn box thing, but
..it's just a bit of wee
hand-shandy in the cinema
Everyone's doing it!
Siobhan and Rachael are well
up for it, man! See you the morra!
CALL DISCONNECTS
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS: A date?!
With Rachael?! Fucking right!
But what if she wants to
touch my ball?
She'll freak out and
probably tell everyone!
Mum! Get out! Oh, Jesus!
What are you doing, Mum?!
Calm yourself down.
It's nothing I haven't seen before.
I gave birth to you,
for Christ's sake. Mu-u-um!
All right! Just keep the door locked
in future.
HE SIGHS
Fuck's sake!
KNOCK ON DOOR
What now?!
Hurry up! I need to shave my legs,
I'm meeting Danny.
Can a man not shit in peace?!
That's no way to talk to a lady!
You'll never get a girlfriend
if you carry on like that.
Piss off!
CONSCIOUSNESS: Shit.
How do you speak to a girl on date?
Is it just normal chatting or what?
Look, there's no rules or anything.
Niamh and I just get along.
Just any advice you have, please.
All right, but give me a hand,
would you?
First thing, buying the snacks.
Popcorn only.
Stay away from chocolate.
But I'm a Malteser man.
Aye, and I'm mad for a bag of mint
Aero bubbles,
but I gotta stick to popcorn.
You buy a bag of chocolate,
it gets all over your hands.
Next thing you know,
you've got chocolate stains
all over her white jeans
and then she'll be calling you
Shitey Fingers Mick.
Popcorn's grand, sure,
especially if you share,
gives you more opportunities to
brush up against her hand.
Next thing - hand-holding.
It's important not to get trapped.
Trapped? Right
You're in the cinema,
she's sitting next to you,
the film starts up. Your hands are
very close together
..you probably should reach out
and hold it. Right, yeah./font
How long do you hold it for?
Oh Just for a while?
Well, you can't let go -
she'll get offended.
So now you're stuck holding her
hand for the whole film.
120 minutes of your hand just
getting sweatier and sweatier
and sweatier, till she thinks
you've got some sort of
sweating disease and it's contagious
and she never holds your hand again!
So How long should I hold her
hand for?
Well, on average, I'd say, um
I'd say you tease it for the first
half-hour.
Then hold it for the next half-hour
and, by that point,
you should be kissing.
And you just keep
kissing for the rest of the film.
Shit.
Right
Unless Unless what?
Well, unless there's a sex scene.
You know, if there's a sex scene,
you HAVE to start making out
immediately - that's the rule.
OK. Yeah.
TAPPING ON GLASS
Oh, right.
I'd better go,
my dad's picking me up.
Off to the driving range!
I thought you were with
Niamh this weekend?
Oh, no. She's not well, so
Look, you'll do great, Mick.
Just remember what I told you
and everything else is common sense.
Clean shirt, right?
Deodorant and
You might want to shave!
Do you know how to?
Just I know your da's not around,
so do you need me to show you how?
Fuck's sake, Conor,
I know how to shave.
I've done it loads of times.
I'm not an idiot.
Yeah, right, sorry.
Well, um, fresh shave then.
CONSCIOUSNESS: Wait.
Can you see it through my trousers?
Has it?
It has, it's definitely
gotten bigger.
Shit, I'm going to have to sort
it myself.
I could try squeezing it.
Freezing it.
Ooh!
Holy water?
CHOIR HARMONISES
Or spraying it?
Shit!
Fuck.
You can definitely still see it.
That'll have to do.
Mum? Mum? Hmm-Hmm?
I need a
What is it?
Well, well, I need a, you know?
The next time you're out,
could you pick me up something?
In the name of God what is
it you're after? A razor!
A razor?
Yeah, you know, I need a shave.
No, you don't, you're only
I'm 15.
I'm not a child, Mum. Right.
Good. Right. Uh, absolutely,
I can get that for you.
Um, and do you know? Can you
actually? Do you know how to?
I know how to shave, Mum.
I just need a razor. Right.
Good. I'll be out and about
tomorrow, and I'll get you one then.
No, I need it for tonight.
I'm going out.
Where? Cinema, with Tommy.
Why do you need to shave to
go to the cinema? Sure, who'd be
Mum, I need it for tonight, please!
Look, Michael, I'm just back in
from the shops,
I'm not going out again.
And me and Finn have to go meet
Father Donal to pick up the raffle
prizes. Mum! I need it!/fon
Aye, I'll just tell
the Motor Neurone Disease charity
that we didn't raise enough
money because my son needed a shave.
Look, what time will you be
finished at the night
and I'll get Lucy to pick you up?
I don't need looking after.
I'll get the bus. Don't be silly,
she can give you a lift./f
I'll get you one tomorrow,
I promise!
FOOTSTEPS RETREAT UPSTAIRS,
DOOR CLOSES
SHE SIGHS
Shaving.
That's the next bloody thing.
Desperate times.
Ah, there he is.
Hey. All right? Hi.
Hey, Mick.
All right, ladies, shall we?
All right.
You're paying!
Jesus, what the fuck did you shave
with?
A cheese grater?!
Is it really noticeable?
Why you wearing a jacket round your
waist like a weirdo?
Don't be ruining this for us!
Nah, nah, it's cool. I won't.
Popcorn?
No thanks. I prefer chocolate,
really.
Really?
What about Maltesers?
I'm not a big fan.
We'll get popcorn. OK.
One popcorn, please. Salt or sweet?
Salt. Sweet, please.
Sweet.
We can do a mix.
Sweet's good.
No, we'll get a mix, please.
No, no, I don't even like salted
anyways. OK.
Regular or large?
Large?
You're the closest thing to a parent
any of them will ever have.
It's tough, being in this
OK, OK. Going well.
Bit early to start holding
hands yet.
Just tease it, as Conor said.
Wait, Tommy's doing it already!
No. Stick to your guns,
wait a half-hour.
Shit, she's going in! It's too soon.
Just a drink.
Right! Cool, cool.
Oh, shit. She's going for the ball!
Quick, do something! Do something!
Are you inviting me back to your
apartment?
Oh, no.
Sex scene. This is it.
WOMAN MOANS ON SCREEN
I can't do it.
I'm pathetic.
He do it on purpose?
So, here, I'm going to bring Siobhan
around the corner,
so I can get a feel. Leave you
and Rachael to do the same.
OK. Yeah. Good man.
I'm glad you came out tonight.
I'm glad you did.
It was fun.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Are you cold? Yeah, it's freezing!
Pff, it's not that cold.
So Yeah?
Can I?
Well, I mean, can we
..kiss?
Smooth.
I'd like that.
Just
No touching below the belt.
What?
Oh, you know,
just keep it above the belt.
Boxing joke. What did you think I
was going to do? font
I'm not going to give you a hand job
in the middle of a car park, like!
No, no! That's disgusting! No,
Please!
It wasn't anything like that.
It was just a stupid joke.
I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
Yeah? Yeah.
To be honest, I've been shitting
myself all day. Me, too./fon
What? Why would you be nervous?
You're great.
BASSY MUSIC APPROACHES
What's that? What's what?
CAR HORN HONKS
Get your hand off my boyfriend,
you dirty who-o-ore! Who-o-o-o!
What's your problem?! Hurry up!
Two seconds!
That's my sister and her boyfriend.
RACHAEL CHUCKLES
I'm going to kill them.
I'm going to actually kill them.
How'd it go? Yeah, it went well.
Did you get with her? Yeah.
Oh, go on, then, gi's a sniff.
Get to fuck!
Let's go, big man! I'm coming!
Better get on then.
Yeah, OK.
OK, well See you soon, Rachael.
Well? I'm not speaking to you.
You l-i-i-i-ike her. Shut up, Lucy!
CONSCIOUSNESS: She felt it.
What if it just keeps getting
bigger and bigger?
What if it's something
really serious?
Holy fuck!
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