Mystery Girls (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Great news, Mrs.
Warner, we found your brother Chris.
Oh, thank goodness.
Is he okay? Uh, perfectly fine.
Although he is now your sister Christina.
He's really pretty.
I know.
Those cheekbones, right? Why didn't he She tell me? Uh, I don't know.
You can ask her yourself.
Neiman Marcus, 12:00.
That's what she said.
Neimans? It's the annual shoe sale.
If she gets those size 12 Louboutins first, I'll kill her.
Uh, you know, even if you kill her, you have to pay us.
(Emotionally): Thank God you're here! (Door closes) Uh, let me guess, you went to get your Gaga tickets - and they were sold out.
- No, I got third row.
(Sobbing) Then why are you acting like it's the end of the world? (Gasps) You haven't heard? You're gonna need to sit down for this.
(Wails) Okay, I'm sitting.
What? Holly's dead.
It's all over the Internet.
Oh, really? How did she die? She was at conveyor belt Sushi restaurant last night when she reached a little bit too far for a spicy tuna roll.
And suddenly her silk scarf got caught in the gears and she was strangled to death! (Weeping) Nick, Honey, she's not dead.
I talked to her this morning.
Charlie, I was in denial, too.
But it was on "T.
M.
Z.
", and I'm pretty sure they fact-check.
Believe me, I would give anything to see Holly walk through that door right now.
Oh, how about your Gaga tickets? Yes, anything.
Oh, that line was so long, I need to get my roots done.
Oh! You're alive! - (Whispers) - Yes! Uh-oh.
Holly, I got us Gaga tickets.
(Theme music playing) (Screams) You're alive.
- I am.
- (Giggles) Wait, should I not be? There's a rumor that you're dead.
Ugh, why are there always rumors about me dying? Because you're always doing crazy stuff.
You make them easy to believe.
You don't see rumors about me, do you? What are they gonna say? "Charlie contour eats cookie dough for breakfast!" Ooh, that's scandalous.
If you really want them to stop, maybe you should stop making them so easy to believe.
Who said I want them to stop? I kind of love them.
Ooh, remember that one where they said I died of a shark attack on "Celebrity Lifeguard"? Yeah, that was ridiculous.
You never even once jumped in the water.
Well, duh, 'cause of sharks.
Nick, alert the media, tell them that holly's alive and well, so we can get back to work.
Ooh, would you mind if we waited 6 hours and 11 minutes? There's a crazy bidding war going on for some of Holly's old birth control packets.
I can't believe you're selling all my stuff before my body's even cold.
No, I was already selling this stuff when you were alive.
Your death just jacked up the prices.
What? Amazing.
Oh my God.
Bidding's up to $200 for my parking ticket.
Wait, I thought you paid that? What do you care? You're dead.
Oh, that's right.
In that case, here's two more from yesterday.
Hey, geniuses, what are people gonna say when they find out she's alive? Hallelujah! She has risen.
Charlie: I'm home.
Come on, let's sit down.
- Okay.
- All right.
Where's Demi? And all the crap that usually covers our flat surfaces? Demi's doing her homework, - I cleaned.
- Wow.
Let me get you some wine.
If whatever is on your mind is that bad, then yeah, I will take that.
And that.
Okay, Honey, listen.
It's okay.
I know.
You do? Yeah.
Okay, look, I only faked it last night because I didn't want to miss the finale of "Flip this House.
" What? What? No, no, I know about Holly dying.
You've gotten like 20 messages.
I am so, so sorry.
- Michael, she's - A part of you and always will be.
- I know.
- (Chuckles) If you need me to do anything, help with preparations No no no, you don't understand.
I understand that you are always trying to be the strong one, but this time, let me be your rock.
Mmm! Really? Hmm.
Okay, so after dinner I'm gonna draw you a nice bath, I'm gonna give you a back massage, and if you want, we'll talk about me building that shoe rack you've been wanting, huh? The truth is I really miss Holly.
What's all that? Oh, uh, somebody set up a memorial out front.
I took all I could carry.
Yes.
I'm America's sweetheart.
Take that, Taylor Swift! Ugh.
Hey hey hey.
No no no.
These are not for you.
You're dead Or else you will be when the people find out you're not.
But all these flowers There's roses, peonies Ew! Carnations? Nick, we have a filler flower situation.
Nick! - I'm up! I'm up! - (Gasps) Hey, we got $250 for the sunglasses.
Have you guys been selling stuff all night? Yep, we've made five grand so far.
We should kill you next.
Okay, you guys need to tell everybody that you're still alive before this gets out of control.
I mean, we'll tell everybody that you were on a cruise to Baja, and that you didn't hear about the death rumor until you got back to shore.
Can it be a cruise to the Greek isles? Ooh, and maybe throw in something about meeting - a handsome stranger named Yorgo.
- (Gasps) Yorgo? Who whisked you off to his private island, where you ate yogurt in the nude with John Stamos.
- Whose fantasy is this? - I thought we could share it.
Whatever.
Nick, call "T.
M.
Z.
" And get this straightened out, okay? Ooh, this is new.
You didn't by chance put up a sex tape for sale, did you? No.
Or did I? Maybe.
Well, someone did.
And according to this there's a bunch of companies bidding on it.
- (Gasps) - How dare someone try to make money off my fake death while I'm on a pretend cruise with my made up boyfriend named Yorgo.
Okay, great.
So now there's a sex tape.
Did it ever occur to you Holly to not do something? So there's a sex tape.
Who cares? Everyone does 'em.
My grandma last year.
Okay.
Th-that's just gross.
And everybody does not do them.
We're trying to start a business here! It's hard enough to get people to take us seriously.
Okay, we've gotta find the tape.
Does it say anything about the seller? He was on the "Mystery Girls" crew.
- Okay.
- Which season? - (Gasps) - I bet it was season three.
That's the year they gave me my own trailer.
Ooh, he's also selling a blooper reel.
Try and get that, too.
Who was it with? Who are you looking at? You! I'm looking at you.
You're the one in the tape.
Who else am I supposed to look at sorry, it was a really long time ago.
Actually, I have no idea.
But if I saw him I probably might recognize him.
Okay, okay, okay.
We need to find a way to get the crew back together.
Reunion episode! Yeah, that's gonna be a little hard to sell - since one of us is dead.
- (Holly gasps) I've got it! Why don't you throw a memorial service for me? - Are you serious? - Both: Yes! You invite the entire crew, and then once I see all of them I'll be able to figure out who's behind this And who's behind me on that tape.
Happy Memorial Day.
I told you to be here at 1:00.
Only you'd be late to your own funeral.
Where have you been? Kinko's, what do you think? I shall call it "Holly ever after.
" Great.
And after, we'll enter you in a toddler pageant.
What? Nothing.
Come on.
Well It's just a girl spends her whole life dreaming of her memorial.
And you You booked at a janky hotel near the airport.
It smells like vomit.
Okay, I'm sorry, but it's all I could do on such short notice.
It's not the room that's important, it's the accessories.
- I brought urns.
- Ooh.
- Which urn do you think you'd look best in? - Okay.
Nope, nope, nope.
Ugh, they're all so big.
Are you suggesting I have fat ashes? Fine, I'll just take that slimming, pink one.
This is my water bottle.
- Perfect.
- Okay.
And you, get up there.
You have to rehearse your speech.
No, I'm not giving a speech for your fat ash.
I am your best friend.
You have to give a speech.
If you were pretend dead, I would totally give a beautiful speech.
Okay, fine.
I will think of something nice to say, okay? No need, here you go.
Come on.
"Holly Hamilton, friend I hardly deserved.
" - Seriously? - Oh.
See, I drew teardrops next to the sentences where you should cry.
"Holly Hamilton was a flower in a sea of gravel, - a beacon to lost ships" - (Mock-cries) Teardrop.
"a priceless masterpiece that walked among us"? Oh, come on! I'm not doing this.
We have to go over our plan, okay? What? I see people and I try to remember if I had sex with them.
Teardrop.
Is that the guy? Is that the guy? Is that the guy? I need to see more than their faces.
Is that the guy? I don't know if you remember me but I did craft services and sold weed to the crew.
Jeanette! Holly spoke fondly of you.
I'm her cousin Dolly Hamilton.
Ah, okay.
Thank you, Jeanette, - so much for coming.
- Do you know where the refreshments are? I'm kind of baked.
"Dolly Hamilton"? What is with that accent? I'm undercover, fool.
Just let me do the talking.
You've already done enough with that mouth.
Hey, my man, Frank here, had the hardest job.
Assistant director.
Oh, man.
We'd be in the middle of filming and Holly would just wander off.
It got so bad, we had to put a tracking chip in her shoulder.
Told her it was a flu shot.
(Laughing) Wait, what? Is that the guy? I'm not sure.
But now I know why my shoulder tingles every time my cellphone rings.
Say, any of you guys ever make a risque video tape with the departed? I'm just making conversation of course, but did you? You know anything about that, Frank? Shut up, T-Bird, I'm not gonna talk about that here.
Oh, come on, Man.
- (Imitates T-Bird) - Yeah, come on, Man.
Yeah, Dude.
Dude time.
It's on V.
H.
S.
, which makes it 10 times nastier.
It's Frank.
Ew, I did Frank? Ugh, okay.
We have got to get that tape.
Come on.
I bet he is in the guestbook.
Oh uh Uh-huh, here's his address.
- There's an address? - Mm-hmm, yes, so the host can send a thank you.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? We should go buy thank-you cards? Try again.
Ah! We should break into Frank's house - while he's here.
- Ding ding ding.
- Yay.
- Bad news.
Frank says he found a buyer for the tape.
It's okay, we have his address.
Just keep him here.
How am I supposed to do that? Go up there, give a speech.
Stall.
Wait, you want me to spend the next few hours talking about Holly? Dream come true.
Stupid hairpin.
This worked all the time on the show.
That's because there was a crew guy on the other side opening it for you.
I'm trying.
And my favorite episode of the third season was when the girls were investigating a human trafficking ring.
Oh, I remember thinking to myself, "Oh my God, they must have gotten a real hooker," because Holly was so convincing.
And now, with your permission, I would like to read from my collection of holly-inspired poetry.
Oh my God.
- (Gasps) - I'm a master criminal.
Your mother would be very proud.
Come on.
- (Alarm beeping) - Man: Intruder alert! Who's ready to die? (Girls gasp) Man: I've got a gun.
Oh no.
(Explosions, gunfire) Frank must have a roommate.
He's playing some game.
(Groaning) What's it called, "40 and alone"? We're not here to judge.
We're here to steal.
Let's go find the tape.
Whoa.
- Be careful.
- I am being careful.
You be careful.
You be careful.
Go the other way.
Fine.
Hey, hey.
Man: Boom.
Miss Dirty girl.
I'm on it.
What do you think you're doing? Housekeeping? I'm calling the police.
No you're not! (Man screams) Oh, I can't believe I listened to you.
This has got to be the worst decision you've ever made.
Nope, worst decision was going Commando at The Teen Choice awards.
(Grunts) Wait, come back! I'm a huge fan.
Well, congratulations, you've finally brought me down to your level.
Come on, that was so fun.
That might be your idea of fun but I am done cleaning up your messes.
Speaking of messes, what is so sticky on this tape? Ew.
Grape soda.
Ready to watch? Sure, I really do wanna watch your sex tape.
Make some popcorn, we'll invite the realtors from down the hall.
- Really? - No, I don't want to watch it.
Let's just destroy it.
What if it's not the right one? All right, fine, put it in the V.
C.
R.
And why do we have a V.
C.
R.
? Because, remember, Nick's selling all my old stuff.
After we watch the sex tape we can watch my workout video, "Holly Hamil-tone.
" Yippee, a double feature from hell.
- Okay.
- I can't watch this.
(Woman moaning on TV) Wait a minute, not my moaning.
My moaning.
That's the day we were shooting the episode where we were dressed like twin gymnasts.
Yes, Helga and Elga.
Frank must have mixed us up, and I must have blocked this from my memory.
- (Moaning continues) - Well, well, well, Charlie contour's true colors come out.
Okay, stop it.
No, I mean I see your tan lines.
Wow, who knew your butt was so pale.
Okay, so I had a momentary lapse in judgment.
Doesn't make me a bad person.
Charlie on video: Ooh, yeah, I'm a bad person.
Uh, okay, that was a poor choice of words.
I don't know.
I think maybe an apology is in order.
Okay.
Maybe occasionally I have Been overly judgmental of you.
Uh-huh.
And? And maybe everybody makes mistakes, including me.
I'm sorry.
Spoken like a true best friend.
Apology accepted.
And - Mystery solved.
- Mystery solved.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing with that? I'm gonna throw it off the balcony.
No! No no no no no no no no no no.
That is not going to destroy it.
Sure it will.
Unless it lands in the back of that guy's convertible.
- (Gasps) - Follow that Camaro! (Door closes) Oh, hello.
Long day at the office.
Really could use that wine.
Oh Gosh, you must be so sad.
You know, I've been thinking, it might be a good idea to get you some grief counseling.
Nah.
Wine's fine.
Oh.
You know what you need? A good cry.
You haven't cried once.
Sure I have.
Come on.
Come on.
- (Emotionally): Okay.
- Come to Michael.
There you go.
Let it out.
(Mock-crying) (Sighs) You can do better than that.
(Mock-sobbing) You know, don't you? I saw Holly at Kinko's blowing up pictures of herself.
Oh, my God, I am so sorry, Michael.
I just There was this rumor that Holly was dead, so she and Nick took advantage of it and they made a killing on ebay.
Oh yeah, that sounds like something she'd do.
How about I make us some dinner and we talk about that shoe rack you were gonna build me? - (Inhales sharply) - Yeah, I don't see that happening for a long, long time.
It's no mystery how I got this body.
Who's ready to get Holly Hamil-toned? I am.
How long do we have to do this for? Till I forgive you for misjudging me.
And left, and thrust.
Right, and left Oh, this is dirtier than my sex tape.
I am so glad we did not sell this.
Wait, stop.
We can't do this part.
This is the part that caused the lawsuit.
Fast forward.
And stop.
Hey, look who stopped by to say hi.
It's TV superstar Charlie Contour.
I thought I'd stop by to help you contour your arms.
Charles, you were in this? Yep, apparently I blocked that from my memory, too.
Who's ready for some mystery curls? I am.