Neo Yokio (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

[80's theme playing.]
[man.]
Neo Yokio is the greatest city in the world.
It is the most populous urban agglomeration in North America, but its prestige does not merely stem from its size.
From Bronx prefecture to the aquatic elegance of Battery Park, Neo Yokio is a diverse labyrinth of cultural and architectural innovation.
No wonder we play host to many of the planet's most prestigious events.
Of course, whenever a city becomes the envy of the world, problems are bound to arise.
In the 18th century, the first wave of demonic attacks wreaked havoc on Neo Yokio.
From origins unknown, hateful creatures sought to destroy the city on a mass scale.
In a stroke of genius, Neo Yokio's then mayor, Theodore Corelli, invited the exorcists of the old world, peasant practitioners of the dark arts, colloquially known as Rat Catchers to become citizens.
[rats squeaking.]
In exchange for their citizenship, these exorcists used their talents to save the city.
Many of the descendants are now part of Neo Yokio high society, adding to our rich cultural tapestry.
Although demonic threats have been greatly minimized, you will still be subject to search and questioning at our discretion.
Please have your documents ready and welcome to Neo Yokio.
[Charles.]
Sir, I almost forgot.
Your watch is fixed.
I picked it up this afternoon.
[Kaz.]
It's been three weeks, and I still can't believe she's really gone.
My one true love is now living the glamorous life of an investment banker in San Francisco, while I remain in Neo Yokio haunted by her memory.
In happier times, I watched her play on this very court.
[sighs.]
No doubt she's found a new tennis club by now.
Sir, I understand that matters of the heart are mysterious and profound, but destroying a 1919 Cartier Tank is a bit, well imprudent.
Hell, yeah, it is.
That's a dope-ass watch.
[sighs.]
Hey, Lexy.
Hey, Gottlieb.
- You gotta sack up.
- Tonight's the big field hockey match against the East Side Gentlemen.
You're out here like a pound puppy.
Sorry, guys, but I can barely navigate the hellish vortex between breakfast and dinner, let alone the labyrinth of the field hockey field.
- What are you saying, dawg? - I'm saying I'm not playing in tonight's field hockey championship.
The whole season's been building up to this match! We gotta teach those old money fuckboys a lesson! You can't give Arcangelo the satisfaction, B.
Win, lose we'll all be equal in the grave.
[woman grunts.]
Sir, we really should get going.
I told you to clear my schedule.
I'm grieving the death of a relationship.
I understand, but the reservation is in 15 minutes.
I'm simply too blue for lunch.
I would strongly advise against incurring the wrath of Aunt Agatha, sir.
[groans.]
Fine.
Let's go.
See you, Lexy.
See you, Gottlieb.
So, we'll see you at the game? We're counting on you, Kaz! [Kaz sighs.]
God, I miss Cathy.
- She loved ice cream.
- [Charles.]
Come, sir.
There's always a silver lining.
Now that you're single, your name's officially on the Bachelor Ranking Board in Times Square.
It's an honor to top the Bachelor Board, but it's an honor I dream not of.
Well, sir, you're not quite at the top.
I'm number two? Two is a rather prestigious number.
Two is the loneliest number, Charles.
Especially when you're second to a jackass.
Why are you late? Don't you have a watch? Who cares what time it is when the future's an interminable abyss of wackness? Kaz, you're not a gentleman of leisure like those other uptown buffoons.
You can't just drink Americanos and watch tennis all day.
- You have work to do.
- Aunt Agatha, I'm well aware that I'm We are members of the magistocracy.
You are a magistocrat.
You have a sacred duty to protect the city as well as our family name.
Never forget the tremendous odds your ancestors overcame to establish the family in Neo Yokio.
Aunt Agatha, Cathy left me.
And I'm sorry if I'm disgracing the family, but I'm depressed.
[laughs.]
Ha.
Cathy? [sighs.]
Did you really think it would work out with an East Side girl? Well, why wouldn't it? Because however many times we save the city, however elegant we become, in their eyes, we will always be neo riche, just a bunch of Rat Catchers.
Don't say that, Aunt Agatha.
Oh, grow up.
You're old enough to see the world as it really is.
Now, listen, I've heard some wonderful news from Lady Three Jane this morning.
Helena Saint Tesoro is possessed! Helena Saint Tesoro? The fashion blogger? - Perhaps the greatest of the modern era.
- Damn, I haven't see her since Freddie Miles threw that crazy party out in the Hamptons.
She's possessed? That sucks.
Focus, Kaz.
Her family's in dire need of our help.
I have arranged for you to go exorcise her this afternoon.
Aunt Agatha, I don't have the emotional energy to do anything tonight.
Even if I did, the guys are expecting me at the field hockey match.
[bangs table.]
Wicked boy, don't you understand? If you refuse to perform your duties, there is no field hockey, no more gentleman's club dues, no more extravagant rent.
You need to work to support your wretched lifestyle.
Now, eat your tiramisu.
I've lost my appetite.
You know, Charles, buying a new suit is the only good thing about having to work.
You are a true master, sir.
Watching you shop purely by touch is inspiring.
Welcome back, Mr.
Kaan.
So good to have you in the store.
And congratulations on your recent appearance - on the Bachelor Board.
- Oh, thanks.
How are the new suits feeling? Anything else I can help you with? New pair of Margiela field hockey trainers for the big match? Actually, I don't think I'll be playing tonight.
What? I've been waiting for this game all season.
Sorry to disappoint you, salesclerk, but the universe is dictated by forces far greater than field hockey.
I'm sorry, I'm I'm just such a sports nut.
Well, you're in luck, my friend, because a real sportsman has just entered Bergdorf's.
Oh, Arcangelo.
I'd recognize your shitty voice anywhere.
Oh, look.
It's Neo Yokio's second most eligible bachelor.
[laughing.]
Look at you, trying to class yourself up with a new suit? You'll need more than that to take the top spot from me.
You can keep the top spot.
I honestly couldn't care less about that stupid list.
Gentlemen, please don't fight.
It is an honor to have the number one and number two bachelors in our store today.
You are both elegant gentlemen and excellent field hockey players.
Please, allow me to show you to your dressing rooms.
So, I hear you're gonna chicken out on the game tonight.
Fuck the game.
I have a lot more on my mind these days.
In fact, I have a very high profile and lucrative job tonight.
Job? You mean, like, work? I am a magistocratic exorcist, and it's my sacred duty, you jackass.
Sacred duty, what a joke.
No wonder Cathy left you.
You're just a neo riche loser.
[laughing.]
I am not neo riche! [groans.]
[crashing.]
[grunts.]
You know what, Arcangelo? I will see you at that game tonight.
And, salesclerk, I'll take the suit.
[Charles.]
Sir, I don't see how you can make it to the job and the game.
A teen exorcism can take all night.
[Kaz.]
Didn't you see me back there? This exorcism will be a walk in the park.
The Sea Beneath 14th Street brings back a lot of memories.
Some happy but others, quite sad.
[butler.]
Mr.
Kaan, we've been expecting you.
Right this way.
[sobbing.]
Charles, who are these girls? These are Helena's biggest fans.
- We're called Helenists, you herb.
- She's our queen.
Her blog is our bible.
Neo Yokio's second most eligible bachelor in our home.
[sighs.]
Thank you for coming.
I'm so sorry to hear about Helena.
How is she? Well, it's a tad awkward to talk about it because she seems a bit possessed.
It's so out of character for her.
She never cavorts with wraiths or demons.
When did it start? Two days ago, she took a trip uptown with her friends to get a preview of the fall collections.
The prime minister of Chanel presented her with a custom suit.
What an honor.
I know.
But when she got home, she started feeling unwell.
And the next day, she had become an entirely different person.
We've always kept her so well-guarded.
I can't imagine how this could've happened.
Rest assured, your family's nightmare will be over in no time.
Now, where is she? She's floating up in her bedroom.
[Kaz.]
Hey, Helena, what's up? It's me, Kaz Kaan.
So, this is kind of awkward.
I haven't seen you since that party in the Hamptons at Freddie Miles' place.
You know, when we hooked up.
Uh, anyway, that's a dope Chanel suit.
What's it made of, tweed? I'm a huge fan of fabrics.
You mind if I touch it? Ow! Okay.
Enough small talk.
Let's do this.
What happened? Is she cured? I'm sorry.
No.
She was totally immune to my charms.
Well, get back in there and try again.
There's nothing I can do.
She's too powerful.
This is outrageous.
- I'm calling your aunt.
- Could we leave Aunt Agatha out of this? Leave this townhouse at once.
I don't get it.
Why didn't my powers work on Helena? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, sir, but it has taken a toll on your ranking.
I'm behind Luke Silver-Greenberg? That's horrendous.
It's always darkest before the dawn, sir.
Shall we get you a giant Toblerone? Chocolate always cheers you up.
No, Charles, I wanna visit the grave.
[Charles.]
You've designed yourself a beautiful grave, sir.
I'm gonna rest for a bit.
[sniffs.]
I recognize that scent.
Excuse me, old man, but what are you doing over there? Oh.
I'm just tending to my wife's grave.
Tending it with perfume? How odd.
[chuckles.]
Might seem strange, but Babylon N°5 was her favorite perfume in the universe.
Hmm.
It's really not a very elegant perfume.
It achieved global success, but in a marketplace far less crowded than today's.
I believe a classic is a classic when talking about clothes, cars or watches, but scents need to change with the times, don't you agree? I never thought about it like that.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm very touched by your dedication to your dead wife, but perhaps her spirit would be cheered by a newer, more youthful perfume.
Santal 33 perhaps? I could have my mecha whip you up a sample.
[Charles.]
I have full fabrication abilities.
[chuckles.]
Thank you, but she just loves her Babylon.
You old folks are funny like that.
You don't have the same understanding of style.
The girls of my generation would never wear Babylon N°5.
They prefer a less mainstream fragrance.
Helena Saint Tesoro once wrote an essay about this.
[sighs.]
I'm not familiar with her work.
She's the greatest teen fashion blogger of the modern era.
With her, everything has to be unique.
Even her Chanel suit is a custom job.
[man.]
Mm-hmm.
In fact, she only received it a week ago.
It wasn't subject to the same security procedures as other luxury items.
It was open, it was vulnerable The perfect place for a demon to hide! Could it really be? Yes, Charles.
The reason I couldn't exorcise Helena was because it wasn't her, but rather her suit that was possessed.
Brilliant, sir.
I know what to do now.
Let's head downtown.
There's still time! Sir, at this hour, the bubble traffic is horrendous.
It could take us hours.
To hell with it.
Let's go express.
[jets blasting.]
[in demonic voice.]
Look who's back.
Very clever, possessing a Chanel suit.
You knew a bespoke item was your only shot at getting to Helena.
It was too easy.
[laughing.]
You fools will never be safe.
Your vanity ensures it.
Karl Lagerfeld said vanity is the healthiest thing in life.
God, you really are a herb.
Behold the pale horse and prepare to meet the dark forces that lie beneath your precious city.
[Kaz yells.]
Demon, be gone from the Chanel suit! Coco Chanel, may her memory be blessed.
Helena, are you okay? Wake up! Wake up! [demon.]
Ha! You may have destroyed the suit, but you haven't destroyed me.
Oh, no! [gasps.]
No! Helena! [panting.]
[breathes deeply.]
[grunts.]
[coughing.]
- [in normal voice.]
Kaz Kaan? - Hey, Helena.
[chuckling.]
Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you since Freddie Miles' party out in the Hamptons.
That was a crazy night.
Yeah, we had fun.
I know.
How come you never called me when we got back to the city? Well, you started dating Cathy.
She actually just broke up with me.
That's a shame.
Yeah, it is.
Well, maybe now I'll call you.
That would be sick.
[grunting.]
[cheering.]
[crowd gasps.]
The West Side Gentlemen are getting killed.
If I was you, I'd pack it up and go home, West Side wimps.
Time out! [grunts.]
[whistle blows.]
This is impossible, man.
- Where's Kaz? - He didn't show up.
He doesn't even care about field hockey anymore.
Wait.
[jets blasting.]
Is that him? I can't believe it! It's Kaz Kaan! Kaz, homey, you made it! Gentlemen, I'm sorry I'm late.
As you know, I've been really depressed, and it's affected my attitude toward field hockey, but I'm here now, and I know we can beat these bastards.
[all.]
Yeah! [whistle blows.]
[crowd cheering.]
[Arcangelo grunts.]
[Kaz groans.]
Yo, flagrant foul, man! Flagrant! It's a penalty shot for Kaz! This is a field for gentlemen.
You should be selling popcorn in the stands, you peasant.
A true gentleman excels in both work and leisure.
[salesclerk.]
Heavens to Betsy, they're bringing in a ringer.
[crowd murmuring.]
You see how diesel this goalie is? This shit is impossible.
- No way the ball's getting past him.
- No way.
Good luck, Rat Catcher.
[crowd cheering.]
[buzzer buzzes.]
I love sports! - Charles, play Vivaldi's concerto.
- In D minor, sir? No.
In E-flat major.
Ah! Very good, sir.
[Vivaldi's "Concerto in E-Flat Major" playing.]
[Kaz.]
I am Neo Yokio's most eligible bachelor.
I am the proud scion of a storied and powerful family.
This is my city, and I'm sworn to protect it.
Yes, my girlfriend broke up with me to take a finance job in San Francisco, but I am still here in the greatest city in the world.
Tomorrow, the cherry blossoms will bloom, the sun will shine.
It is springtime in Neo Yokio, and life is worth living.