Netflix Presents: The Characters (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [piano music playing.]
Yeah, I had pizza for dinner.
It was, like, amazing.
No, I am saying I had pizza and I didn't have diarrhea immediately after.
It was unheard of.
Seriously, the best night of my life.
It might trump my wedding.
I am not sure.
Well, yeah, I mean, obviously I did.
Always.
That is just what my body is.
- Oh, I've got to go.
- Ms.
Peeps, we are ready for you.
[Whitney Peeps.]
OK! I'm coming! Just give me one hot second.
Yeah.
[sighs.]
Sorry, I just You know, real women don't rush, you understand? I just had to put my face on and my ass.
OK.
Well, the guys are waiting for you in the living room.
OK.
Well, I can't wait to see them.
I am about to see these sexy boys! Let's do this! [Whitney.]
I am on a journey to find love.
[Male narrator.]
Can one single famous celeb, who is single and famous, find love swimming in a pool of non-famous non-celebs? [Whitney.]
I may be a pop star, but that doesn't mean I don't want love.
[Male narrator.]
Find out on The Single Celeb.
I am coming, I am coming! Hi, guys! I am sure you've heard of me, because I am super famous.
But in case you have been living under a rock, I am Whitney Peeps! Also, sorry you have been living under a rock.
That sounds super shitty, you little troll.
I have had so many hit songs that, at this point, I could write a song about taking a dump and it would be a number-one hit.
But that doesn't mean I haven't had my ups and downs.
Do you like what you see? Do you like that, camera boy? Why don't you film this! [shrieks.]
Film my little butt hole! But I am definitely in a good place now.
And yeah, I may be a pop star, but that doesn't mean I don't want love.
In fact, my dad says it means I want it more.
[giggles.]
You guys, thanks for being so patient.
[chattering.]
- I would wait until the end of time.
- I love you.
As you guys know, you guys are such nobodies and I am very famous.
But if you win my heart, you could be famous, just like me, in short, meaningful spurts.
[Whitney giggles.]
If you fail to do so, your 15 minutes of fame will be up and you will be banished to a lifetime of trying to get TV hosting gigs.
[doorbell ringing.]
[men bark like dogs.]
You know what that sound means.
It is time for a challenge card! [giggles.]
Can somebody? Yeah, I can read.
"Ben Z, Ben F, Ben K, Ben A Ben J, and Kendall.
I am having so much fun getting to know you, but are you having fun getting to know me? Your challenge is to get on the house laptop and point out as many mistakes on my bio page as you can within 70 seconds.
" Let's get corrected! [squeals.]
- [Whitney.]
All right, here we go! - Faster, guys.
Faster.
70, 69 [giggles.]
68.
OK, I found one.
This says you were born in an actual dumpster.
That is not true.
It was an aluminum garbage can.
Oh! It says your first album went platinum, but that's not true.
You're right.
Leave it.
This one says you made a sex tape with Count Chocula.
That is false.
It was the Hamburglar.
Yeah.
This can't be right.
It says you're falling for me.
Oh, my God! Over here it says your real name is Barnabas Shut the [bleep.]
up! Shut the [bleep.]
up! - Security! - Oh, my God! [shouting.]
[Whitney pants squeakily.]
What just happened? Sorry.
[magical chiming.]
It's date time.
We're going to Dick N' Boners! - [cheers.]
Yeah! - [shouts.]
Oh, my God! Not you.
Not you, Ben Z.
No, not you.
Your 15 minutes are up.
[sad music playing.]
- It really is the end of the road, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't want to.
No.
OK, bye.
[Male narrator.]
This episode of The Single Celeb is paid for by the following.
[sports game playing on TV.]
[Female narrator.]
I'm a pathetic loser.
I am dying to get out in town and drunk while wasting a ton of my mommy's money, but how? Oh, yeah! Let's get you and your miserable pack of dateless dry dicks, assuming you have any friends, to Dick N' Boners! It is the number-one hotspot in town where bros can be bros and hos can be hos.
Get your lame ass in here and get your little dick boned.
By that we mean get drunk and play video games like at home, only you're in public and people can see you.
Your mom may be your only friend, but you can't marry her.
Peel your fat ass off that cheese-stained couch, put on the one nice shirt you own, and haul your pathetic self to the place that'll feel like a club, even though you'll still just be looking at a screen the entire night.
Get to Dick N' Boners before you realize how sad you are and blow your fucking head off! They would never touch you if they weren't paid.
Dick N' Boners.
You are going to die alone! [Whitney.]
Put me down over there.
You guys, this is fun! [Whitney giggles.]
Randall Lickbutt, please report to the lost and found.
Randall Lickbutt, we have your velour coin purse.
[Whitney giggles.]
Kick! Flip! Boom! In your face, you funking loser! Todd, what are you doing here? Shizz! What are you doing here? I'm on a date, but that is none of your business! Todd, you are not supposed to be at Dick N' Boners unless accompanied by an adult.
OK, well, then, how the funk is this kid in here? Excuse me? [moans.]
What? I didn't do anything! You just said the F word! - No, I didn't! I said "funk"! - You did not say "funk," Todd Chicklet.
- You are grounded! - I did say "funk"! Tell her I said "funk"! - Tell her! - Get your hands off Chuckie! How the butt do you know his name? Because he is my date's son.
Oh, great.
So you brought him here instead of me? [groans.]
God! You are such a binch! Did you just call me a "bitch," Todd Tyson Chicklet? I didn't.
I said "binch"! It's different! That is it.
You are so grounded.
[moans.]
Oh, no! I am always grounded! That is so unfair! This is the funking worst, you binch! I want you to get your backpack, I want you to go out to the car, and wait for me while I close out my tab.
I don't know where it is.
It is right there, Todd! [Todd groans.]
God! You are such a cumt! [Todd's mom.]
Use your hands, Todd! [Todd groans.]
[Todd's mom.]
Pick up the bag, Todd.
[Todd groans loudly.]
- Coming up - No, no.
Stop.
OK.
Hey, everybody! - [man.]
Is that Whitney Peeps? - Yes, it is really me.
Hi! Can you believe it? OK.
I have a surprise for you guys.
Hey, boys.
I want to serenade you.
Come here.
[Whitney giggles.]
Now, my legal team wouldn't release rights to my music, so I am just going to sing it capella.
I am walking on air Because you lifted me there With your big, strong man arms So don't cheat on me Don't, don't leave me behind Don't sext my friends Pics of your dick I have trust issues now But I don't have bust issues now I got my tits done as revenge Yay! - Yeah! - [Ben Z.]
Oh, yeah! [cheering.]
Splits! I am going down! - [Ben A.]
You can do it! - [Ben Z.]
Almost there! [Ben K.]
All right - [Ben A.]
You got it! - [Ben K.]
That is so good! Yay! [Ben A.]
Yeah! [Todd.]
God, this is the worst.
[Todd's mom.]
Todd, I swear to God, you are making my life so difficult right now.
I got to go to work.
You are coming with me.
I don't have time to drop you at home.
What? Weren't you just on a date? Todd, enough! [engine starting.]
[DJ over radio.]
Here is one of the latest hits from Whitney Peeps! [Whitney over radio.]
I kissed a cop, I kissed a cop - That song blows funking chunks.
- Todd! [drunk woman retching.]
What in the serious heck is going on back there? Get out of your car! [growls.]
You are under fucking arrest, bitch! Oh, my God.
An undercover cop.
No, it is a freaking crackhead! Back over her! No! I saw something about this on Dateline.
I am going to turn off the car and get out.
- That's what Stone Phillips would do.
- Are you fucking my husband, bitch? - What? - Yeah, you are! What? Hell yeah, you are! Get out your motherfucking car! I am about to get your dirty witch ass wet! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Get out! Get out! - [Todd's mom.]
Oh, my God! "Oh, my God" is right.
Come on! Come on! Get on your knees, bitch! I'm gonna curb stomp you straight to hell! - Mommy! - [shouts.]
It's OK, Todd! Oh, no.
Your son can't save you now, Todd's mom.
I know you were fucking my husband.
But joke is on you, because now you've got every fucking disease I've got.
Who are you? Oh, I am your worst nightmare, bitch.
I am your fucking teeth falling out at school while you are fucking naked and your titties are showing.
I am not fucking your husband, I swear.
I don't even know who your husband is! Does the name Chuckie's dad ring a bell? He is married? Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God" is what I thought.
I been hiding behind this fucking car for three hours, waiting for your ass to stop fucking him inside that fancy Dick N' Boners! We were just playing games.
Oh, you like games? I got a game I like to play.
It's called "I am high as shit on crank, and will beat your ass in the dirt.
" - No, that is OK.
- I didn't say we could vote on it, did I? [woman barks.]
I didn't, because I am in charge.
And you know what? I had a beautiful marriage, and you ruined it.
[shouts.]
I was an amazing wife! [Todd's mom wails.]
Oh, God! That is right.
I am Pamela from Big Bear, and you are Todd's mom from Big Bitch! [grunts.]
[Todd whimpers.]
[Todd's mom gasps.]
Todd! You saved me! [Pamela groans.]
[wails.]
I am melting! I am melting! [Todd's mom.]
Get in the car.
Get in the car! [groans.]
I am melting! [shouting.]
Stay away from Chuckie's dad or I will eat your ass! Oh, jackpot! I don't even give a shit.
Bitch is fucking my husband.
Man, these trolls don't even know what is going to happen next.
I am going to fucking do some shit they won't even expect.
I am going to fuck the President! Someone threw this shit out? Fucking dumbass.
[indicator ticking.]
[engine starting.]
[tires squealing.]
[tires squealing.]
This place sucks a hot dog.
Todd's mom! - What happened to your eye? - Nothing! I I walked into a door.
And then I got punched in the eye.
Last call for Dirk Chubwiper.
Dirk Chubwiper, your bus is about to leave.
- Todd, stay out of everyone's hair, OK? - Yeah, I got it! I am not dumb.
[child whimpers.]
[man #1.]
Watch it! [grunts.]
[sighs.]
[man #2.]
Excuse me! Excuse me.
Can I just squeeze by? - [whispers.]
I can't hear.
- [lady.]
I just need to I can't hear you.
I just need to get there.
It's my seat.
[whispers.]
I don't Sorry.
Sorry.
[melodramatic music playing over headphones.]
[cries.]
[wails.]
[snores.]
Ma'am? I need to use the bathroom.
[upbeat music playing.]
[doorbell ringing.]
[men bark.]
Ooh! A date card! Whitney, you read it.
No, I am busy.
You read it.
- [whispers.]
I can't.
- I'll read it.
"Ben K, Ben A, Ben J Yes! and Kendall.
I am having so much fun getting to know you, but there is one way I know we could get to know each other better.
We are going to Dunkin' Dames, the oldest strip club in the state.
" - [Whitney.]
Yay! - Yeah! - Hell yeah! - That is fun.
Yeah, OK.
Ben F, I am not feeling a connection with you.
Your 15 minutes are over.
Bye! I don't understand.
I'm nice.
Sorry.
[Whitney squeals in disgust.]
[Whitney.]
Get out.
- [yells.]
Go! - OK! - Ew! - I am sorry.
- Sorry, dude.
- OK.
- [Whitney.]
We need fun.
- I'm sorry.
All right, boys.
We are getting on the party bus and heading to Dunkin' Dames! - Yes! - [Whitney.]
Who has has sedatives? You know your girl gets motion sickness real bad! [giggles.]
[Whitney.]
Let's go! [music thumping over speakers.]
Ladies and gentlemen, we got a very special treat for you right now.
She is going to get your motor running, so get your feet to the gas, put your hands together, make some noise for Bamanda! [sparse applause.]
[Ben Folds' "Brick" playing.]
6am, day after Christmas I throw some clothes on in the dark The smell of cold Car seat is freezing The world is sleeping I am numb She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly Yeah! Guys, give it up for Bamanda! Give it up for Bamanda! Come on, man! Let's do this, man! Throw a couple of dollars on stage.
She is getting her jaw wired shut next week and can't afford it.
[dance music playing.]
Wow! This is sexy! [Whitney.]
We arrived at Dunkin' Dames.
Now, there are a lot of sexy women inside, but there is only one sexy woman I want these Bens and that other guy to pay attention to.
Me! - [Whitney.]
Hey! - Hey! What's up? This is a sexy job to have.
[DJ.]
Yeah, it is cool.
Thanks.
Hey, do you have any of my music on your DJ machine? I am not sure.
What is your name? You don't know who I am? No.
I know you got lipstick on your straight up skin.
Thank you.
My name is Whitney Peeps, so look it up and play a song.
I'm going to try stripping.
Play one of my hits.
[Whitney's song begins playing.]
I kissed a cop I kissed a cop I kissed a cop, I kissed a cop OK.
I can't believe I did But I kissed a cop Ew! Ew! Ew! It hurt so good Good cop, bad cop Kiss cop, bad cop The cop was cool But my mouth was hot I did what I did So I wouldn't get shot It felt so bad but it hurt so good [Whitney moans loudly.]
[Whitney makes loud slurping noises.]
I'm a slut Fuck the police.
Hey.
How is that eye treating you, kid? What are you doing here, Carl? Oh, come on, now.
Call me Chuckie's dad.
Look, I am here because Pamela told me what she did to you.
- [Todd's mom.]
Yeah? - Yeah.
So I told her that it is over between me and her.
Are you serious? A few hours ago, I didn't know you were married.
Now you are ending it? I don't know what to think.
I mean, my eye! They said I might never see out of it again.
- Wait, you went to the hospital? - No! They said.
[Chuckie's dad.]
Oh.
Thank you boy doctors.
Look, Pamela just she just ain't right for me.
You know, and I've got the suspicion she be hooked on drugs all the time.
What I'm trying to say is Chuck and I want to be with you and Todd, as a couple.
You know, to live with, to be a family.
You know? That sounded gross.
But you know I love you, and I love him, so let's figure something out.
Todd is the man of the house.
I got to check with him.
What the duck is going on? Todd, would you like Chuckie's dad to be Chuckie and Todd's dad? Whoa.
It would be the highest honor that a man could get.
Can I cuss around you guys? I will say yeah if I can cuss.
Fine, Todd.
You can cuss around us if I finally get a chance at real happiness.
Fucking butt, shit, dick-licker, wizard shit, fucking shove it up your ass, fucking, fucking shit wizard, fucking dick, cock-sucking, bitch-licker! [pants.]
Do you know what them words sound like to me? Family.
I love you so much.
Come on, give me a hug in here.
Let me get up in here.
Hold on.
- Come on.
Come on in, now.
- [Chuckie's dad.]
Ow! - No! - [Todd's mom.]
No? [groans.]
No! I folded my belly weird.
I folded my belly weird and I lost my best flop.
[groans.]
Flop is back, but the belly got folded weird! [yells.]
[grunts.]
OK, I am good.
Well, I love you, I love you.
Give me that money.
Let me have some of that.
Quicker when I say, "Give me money.
" And I will use this money to do something I have always wanted to do.
Fuck the police! [yells.]
Oh, shit! I love you! [Whitney giggles.]
Hey, where the hell is our party bus? - I don't know.
- Hey, have you got any spare change? No, fuck off.
Please.
I am a Vietnam vet.
- But the VA took away my health plan - I said fuck off, freeloader! I think I am falling for you.
[romantic music playing.]
You see, in colonial times, they didn't have money for haircuts, so they would just cut a rat tail off and tie it to their head, hence the term "rat tail.
" See, you learn something new every day.
I told you.
And then, also, it turns out Oh! It's on, it's on, it's on.
The Single Celeb.
[giggles through TV.]
[scoffs.]
She is trash.
[Whitney.]
Hi, guys.
We have now come to the end of the road.
It is so sad, because I have had a good time getting to know the guys' bodies and hearing them say stuff.
Ben J.
Your deep faith gives me hope for future generations.
Thank you.
[Whitney.]
Ben A.
You have fallen hard for me, and I have fallen hard for you, and that is so meaningful.
I can't believe I had went this long without knowing you.
Ben K.
You are a true friend.
And Kendall.
Hi.
OK, so we all know how this show works.
I can only choose three of you to have sex with.
I choose Ben J, Ben A and Ben K.
[Ben J yells.]
[groans.]
Oh, no! Way stupid! She should have picked Kendall! He's a gem! Kendall your 15 minutes are up.
I hope that you find [shouts.]
Fuck off! Kill yourself! Fucking freak! [squeals.]
Yay! Yay! Let's do this! - Yay! - Yeah! Thanks for watching my journey to find love.
Now I can finally tell you, this was all just to promote my new album, My Body My Money.
But sure, I [bleep.]
all the guys, sucked their [bleep.]
, and [bleep.]
bubbles in their little [bleep.]
holes, but I didn't find a soul mate.
So I guess you could say I am still a single celeb looking for love.
I will see you guys on the world tour.
First stop, Zimbabwe! We're not drowning tonight Baby, in the distance I can see a light [Ben K.]
Hey, hey, hey! Come on! I hold you closer Yay! Not drowning Boy, I promise You are not drowning tonight [wails.]
We're not drowning [Pamela.]
Are you fucking my husband, bitch? [Laura Lapkus screams.]
[Pamela growls.]
I am about to get your dirty witch ass wet!