New Girl s01e01 Episode Script

So you know in horror movies when the girl's like: "Oh, my God, there's something in the basement.
Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on.
" And you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police.
" She's like, "Okay," but it's too late because she's getting murdered? Well, my story's kind of like that.
JESS: It's a surprise for Spencer.
I'm gonna walk in, gonna drop my coat on the ground.
He says he had this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold and he's helping me put myself through college.
He didn't say the college part, did he? Um, no.
I wanted to create a three-dimensional sex character.
CECE: Really? What's your stripper name? Uh Rebecca Johnson.
Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson? Boobies Johnson.
"Two Boobs" Johnson.
Look at you, in the back of the cab, totally naked.
I am so proud of you.
Hello.
- I came home early.
- Jess.
What-- ? Who's Jess? You're talking to Tiger Boobs.
Oh.
[SCATTlNG.]
Uh [SlNGlNG.]
I'm doing sexy things with a pillow - Just-- - She's doing sexy stuff To the plant right-- - Whoa, okay.
- I'll pick that up later Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess.
So that happened.
That's why I need a new apartment.
I'm sorry, what was the question again? Do you have any pets? - Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? It's Jess You know what's funny? When I saw your ad on Craigslist, I thought you were women.
[LAUGHlNG.]
We're all Why would you think that? That's crazy.
- I mean, what-- ? - Schmidt wrote the ad.
Oh.
I guess it was something about the words you used.
It was like, "sun-soaked" and "beige-y.
" [COACH & NlCK LAUGHlNG.]
SCHMlDT: Okay.
- What are you doing? COACH: Wow.
SCHMlDT: Mm-hm.
What about these? These look beige-y to you? Sorry.
I'm his trainer, so it's kind of the house that Coach built right here.
What are we looking at? Baby smooth.
This is LLS.
Ladies Love Schmidt.
What? What did you just say? Go put a dollar in the jar right now.
SCHMlDT: Are you serious? COACH: Yeah.
- Now.
- Damn it.
LLS? What is wrong with you? This place is beautiful.
It gets so much light.
Spencer hated light.
- It's hard to say his name.
SCHMlDT: It's okay.
Nick knows.
He got dumped.
Dumped.
Yeah, I got dumped.
I can't hear you.
That means we're not breaking up.
- I can't hear you.
La-la-la! - I'm breaking up with you.
Yeah, I got dumped.
She dumped me.
And I'm over it.
Okay? It was six months ago, guys.
Get past it.
I don't even know why we're still talking about it.
Why's everybody looking at me? You know what, I wanna live here.
Actually, I still have some questions.
No offense, you know, but we barely know you.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
So full disclosure I'm kind of emotional right now because of the breakup so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing at least six or seven times a day.
Um, I'm a teacher, so I bring home a lot of Popsicle sticks, stuff like that.
Also, I like to sing to myself a lot.
[SlNGlNG.]
A lot I'm tired of living with my friend.
She's a model.
All her friends are models.
- Uh, how soon can you move in? - Schmidt, slow up.
- Not happening.
- Okay, could you give us a second? - I just gotta I gotta talk to my boys.
- "My boys" is not a thing.
- My bros.
- Douche-bag jar.
SCHMlDT: For what? NlCK: For "my bros.
" I'm gonna say yes.
Her friends are models.
Okay, you guys? Models.
I say no.
I need to be able to come home from work sit on my couch and let my beans out, let them breathe.
Nick, it's all you, buddy.
First let me say, I think you guys make interesting points points I respect, but I will say this.
I have lived with a woman, Caroline and I know there are pros and I know there are real cons.
- Nick, you're weak! - Okay, pro, they smell nice.
Cons, every once in a while, the mood changes and you're not sure why.
They'll ruin your life if you let them.
They'll break down your will to live.
- Pros, they're good at folding.
- Make a decision! I'm sorry.
But another pro, like - Oh, don't do it.
- I'm gonna.
Put it down.
Don't hood me.
You guys don't know what you're talking about.
- I know what I'm talking about.
- Pushed him too hard.
We did.
How about this? Executive decision.
- She's in.
JESS: Yay, I'm in.
You are not gonna regret this.
[JESS SOBBlNG.]
[ON TV.]
Had the time of my life No, I never felt like this before Yes, I swear it's the truth What have you done, Schmidt? [JESS BLOWS NOSE.]
I gotta go, Mom.
No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing.
No, I don't think so.
Are you gonna murder me because you're a stranger I met on the lnternet? - Yes, I am.
- He says no.
No, look, I gotta go, okay? All right, love you.
Bye.
SCHMlDT: So the Wild West party's on Saturday.
I'm trying to get us in, but you may need to call Caroline.
- I'm not calling Caroline.
Shh.
- Nick, hear me out-- [SlNGlNG.]
Had the time of my life We are in this situation because of you.
JESS: I hate your face! Spencer, I love you.
- lt has been a week of this madness.
- I'm going crazy, Schmidt.
I can't take it.
- Know what? I got this.
[ON TV.]
I've been waiting for so long Hi, Coach.
Stop it.
Stop.
[SOBBlNG.]
- Schmidt.
- Okay, all right.
I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out.
Jess, I'm gonna take the remote.
Pshew.
All right, all right.
Hey, Jess, how you doing? You look fantastic.
Listen, what if you came out with us tonight? You know, after work.
We'll fix you up, we'll take you out, we'll get you a rebound.
- A rebound? - Yeah.
I don't know if I'm ready.
You're totally ready.
I'll take you through the whole thing.
You know, I'll be like your guide.
Like Gandalf through Middle-earth? Probably not like-- Okay.
First of all, let's take the Lord of the Rings references Iet's put them in a deep, dark cave where no one's gonna find them, ever.
Except Sméagol.
[WHlSPERlNG.]
He lives in a cave.
You know what, Jess, come on.
Let's just take the head off the couch.
Come on.
Sit up, girl.
There you go.
Look at that.
Doesn't that feel good? There we go.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
I think that sounds nice.
[SlNGlNG.]
She's going out to find a rebound Who's that girl? It's Jess Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself? I'm gonna fix it.
I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party.
This party is everything to me.
Please, Nick.
We go every year.
You have no idea what I'm going through at work.
I'm trying to do my work.
I'm trying to do a good job here.
Nice tie.
Can I borrow a tampon? [WOMEN LAUGHlNG.]
- Schmidt, I'm not calling her.
- Listen to me.
Knowing that I will be going to the Wild Wild West Charity Auction for Poverty reminds me that I'm still a man and I can still motorboat a hot girl who is also a member of the Cherokee Nation which is not racist, because it is for a good cause.
JESS: Somebody's in here.
- We're leaving in 10.
You shave your legs? JESS: I will now.
- Front and backs? JESS: Yes.
- Thank you.
- I'm gonna kill myself.
- Call Caroline.
- You call her when you're drunk.
- Don't know to what you are referring.
[lN ENGLlSH ACCENT.]
Hello, Caroline.
I still love you.
So much.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
So much.
I'm not calling her.
Schmidt, I know you really wanna go to this party but wouldn't it be better to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat? Then maybe, if you're super-lucky you might find a girl who'll motorboat you right back.
I don't think she knows what motorboating is.
SCHMlDT: Jess, we are leaving in five.
- Hey.
Hey, Coach, what's-- ? Oh! Sorry.
Uh, my boss says that I don't know how to talk to women, which is ridiculous.
Spin, woman! Spin! Aah! - I am spinning! - Go! - You're so mean! - I'm not mean, I'm trying to help you! I'm trying to help you! So I was wondering if you could help me out with that.
Sure, sure, absolutely.
Um Well, first of all, maybe think about what women like to talk about.
- You know, like use me for practice.
- All right.
Um, ahem.
Shopping.
Is that fun for you guys? Yeah.
Shopping's fun.
Uh, the other day, I bought a pair of jeggings.
They look like jeans, but they're really leggings.
Uh Uh You I Who cares?! Sorry.
Um Good job.
A couple things you could work on.
Uh One, lowering your voice.
- Right on.
- Um, two, listening.
- Uh, three, rage.
- Absolutely.
- Um, four - Your hair is on fire.
[HlP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Beers and a rosé.
Pink wine makes me slutty.
Whoa.
Cute-guy alert.
[GlBBERlNG.]
Okay, Jess, game time.
Let's do this.
You wanna forget about Spencer you're gonna have to do some very, very bad things with that man right over there.
- How bad? - Real bad, Jess.
Real bad.
Like a make-out sesh, no tops.
Okay, this is what-- This is what's gonna happen.
You're gonna go over there and you're gonna stand next to him and you're gonna smile.
You're not gonna smile like that.
You look like a hungry badger.
- Stop that.
- Okay, I got this, I got this.
You got it.
Go make it happen.
COACH: Get 'em up! Grind it out.
SCHMlDT: Go do it.
Grind it out! Ha, ha! Hey, sailor.
- Oh.
All right.
That's okay.
- All right.
- Maybe he didn't hear that.
- You can come back.
Holy Schmidt, it's Schmidt.
Oh, it is all about the Benjamin.
- What's up? BENJAMlN: What's up, man? All right.
P-Funk, what's up, dude? - This is Coach.
- What's up, Coach? You like parties? - Don't talk to me.
BENJAMlN: Yeah, okay.
- You know who likes to party, right? PETER: Yeah.
You coming on Saturday? There's gonna be some fine ladies there.
I heard it's not gonna be that good this year.
No? - Are you not on the list? - Man, I'm on the list.
- You know that.
- That sucks, man.
- Keep your head up, all right? - All right, player.
Do your thing.
- Take her sleazy, man.
- All right, man.
P-Funk, always.
- Please.
- Why are you friends with those guys? - Get me in the party.
I'm begging you.
- I'm not calling.
You know what a cute cowboy I am? You have any idea? - Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy.
- I don't think you're trying that hard.
Well, I've never really been great at this stuff, so [SlNGlNG.]
What if God was one of us? Make it stop! Just a slob like one of us Look at us.
Couple of losers.
We both got dumped.
Jeesh.
I'm fine.
Six months ago, so Do you know why she dumped you? She must have hurt you bad.
It made no difference to me.
I wanted to set her trash on fire.
So you were always just, like, wondering, like, "What was it? Was there something I could have done differently?" You know what happens to people who keep it all inside? They get old, and they get sad, and they get weird.
Then you're the old man yelling at the kids running across your yard.
And you're telling them, "Don't run across my yard.
My life's filled with regret.
" You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen.
Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.
Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.
No, I was being mean.
I'm not gonna do that.
Why not? It's fun.
Because I have a penis.
[SlNGlNG.]
My name is Nick I have a penis And I'm not gonna let any feelings out Okay, Jess, your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings.
Yeah.
I know.
Hey.
I'm Peter.
- What are you drinking? JESS: Oh, I'll have another pink wine.
PETER: I like your glasses.
JESS: They help me see.
[LAUGHS.]
- She's doing all right.
- Mm-hm.
Schmidt stain.
Hey, man, I was thinking, it's probably better that you don't come to the party.
That means more breasts for me.
Ha-ha-ha.
You better step down.
You're taking this too far.
I'm ser-- Hold me back, Coach.
I'm ser-- Hold me back.
Hold me back.
- Coach, would you please hold me back? - No.
We're going to the party.
Relax.
- Nice.
See you there, Schmitty.
- Totally, broseph.
- Yeah, I texted Caroline.
- You texted Caroline? It's no big deal.
It's behind me.
It's in the past, so - Thank you.
I love you, bro.
NlCK: Yeah, there it is.
- Did you just kiss my arm? - You bet I did.
It felt right.
- So I'll see you tomorrow, sailor.
- Yeah, cool.
Call-- Cool.
What's happening tomorrow, sailor? Know what? You guys were totally right.
I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, I laughed, I smiled I said I needed rebound sex, and it totally worked.
He asked me out.
Dinner with food.
Ooh-ooh.
- I'm so proud of you.
- You got it, girl.
- Yeah, you put it down.
Mm.
- A date.
[SlNGlNG.]
It's Jess, she's on fire - She's on fire COACH & NlCK: Ah! COACH: She's got some big-ass panties.
- Should we tell her? - I think we let her have her moment.
Do the shoes fit, Jess? [THUD.]
JESS: I'm okay.
- What, are you a model or something? - Yeah.
Yes.
Mostly print right now, so What is it, Cece? Cecilia? Heh.
Checilia? Tell me, what are your hopes and dreams? You know, are you warm? - I'm a little warm.
- Don't.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
There it is.
Please put your shirt back on.
Please don't make me laugh at you.
Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea.
Oh Oh, my God.
How good is that? For real? What? Little P-mint tea? Yum, right? Little hot, sweet.
Little tea bag action.
And I wasn't-- Heh, heh.
- I wasn't talking about-- - There it is.
- Douche-bag.
- Listen to me, you guys.
Jess is by far the best person that I know so if you guys let anything happen to her I'm gonna come here and crazy-murder you.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I did not hear a word that you just said because I can see your party hats right now.
- There you go.
- Jess.
COACH: Yeah, right.
- Why are you talking like this? - I fell off my heels.
- Okay, all right.
No, come on.
- Get up.
- Oh, what am I doing? I can't go on a date.
What if it's horrible? What if I have nothing to talk about? You go to the bathroom, you call me, and you tell me all about it.
Maybe I just shouldn't go.
Babe, you got hurt.
That doesn't mean you stop trying.
Okay? - Okay.
- Okay, let's go.
Come on.
[CECE SlGHS.]
You gotta take off those overalls.
I was going for, like, a Like, a hot farmer's daughter kind of thing.
You know, like, "Oh, I'm going to go milk my cows with my bucket.
" - Take them off.
- Okay.
What am I gonna wear? Wow.
Thanks, Coach.
[BEATBOXlNG.]
And then she does that.
I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm headed over.
Wait.
Have you been texting him? Is that bad? No.
It's nice.
- Have a good night.
- This is gonna be great.
SCHMlDT: Coach, you don't look like an lndian.
I got your back.
You gotta have mine.
- Coach, I got your back.
- No, Nick.
- I wanna hear it from him.
- What sort of lndian wears bike shorts? NlCK: Excuse me.
Is Caroline-- ? I'm looking for Caroline.
- We're supposed to be on some list.
- Hey, Nick.
That's her.
Sorry I'm wearing this stupid thing.
Schmidt made me do it.
- Thank you so much for getting us in.
- Yeah.
No problem.
Um, maybe to pay me back, you can stop prank calling me.
- What? - Uh [lN ENGLlSH ACCENT.]
"Hello, Caroline.
I still loves you, I do.
" Yeah, you gotta figure that out.
Some crazy person's calling you.
- Ha, ha.
- You look nice.
It's good to see you.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Um I think I'm almost finished out here if you Do you wanna go grab a drink? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Sure.
Yeah.
Let's you and I just get a drink.
- Let's get a drink.
- Be normal about it.
Actually, I'm sorry.
I have to ask you something so that one day I'm not an old man filled with regret.
But why did you dump me? Um Do-- ? Okay.
Are we doing this here, like, now? Yeah.
Why did you dump me? Um Honestly, l I didn't even realize that you cared about me until we broke up.
- Okay.
Let's get that drink.
BENJAMlN: Get along, little doggy.
Well, howdy there, muchachos.
Hey, where's Jess? Oh, dude, she texted me seven times.
Like, long ones.
I just wanna hook up.
So is she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her? Yeah, that's what I did.
I called her.
[PETER & BENJAMlN LAUGH.]
Are you kidding me? See you inside, Schmidt.
Nick? Wanna get that drink? No.
I gotta go help a friend, Caroline.
No, no, no.
This is the party of the year, you guys.
- This is our night.
- I'm going with Nick.
You coming? SCHMlDT: I thought you guys were my boys.
- "My boys" is not a thing.
Stop.
Yep.
We're coming, Jess! [GRUNTS.]
[CHATTERlNG.]
Do you have anything else that is free but also has bread in it? Because the-- The, like, good bread I ate, and the All that's left is, like, a-- It's, like-- It's kind of like a health bread.
I'm sorry.
We're gonna have to ask you to give up the table.
Um Can I please just stay just a little bit longer? NlCK: We're here.
COACH: Yup.
NlCK: We're here, Jess.
We're here.
- Here for the date.
- Date thing.
- Phew.
- You're all on a date? NlCK: Yeah.
We're her boyfriends.
We are reverse-Mormons.
- One man just isn't enough for her.
HOSTESS: Okay.
- Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk.
- Yeah.
That guy's a clown.
You guys missed your party to come here and see me? Yeah.
We care about you.
We like you.
That's so nice.
- What is that? - Don't start crying.
- Come on.
- It's cool.
- It's very, very cool.
NlCK: Come on, Jess.
- Please? - Stop it! - Coach.
- All right.
It's okay.
Hey, don't cry.
[SlNGlNG.]
For I've had the time of my life COACH: What is he doing? And I've never felt this way before Yes, it's true Na, na, na, na, na And it's something, something, something There's beers in my house It's the song That makes you really happy I' m not participating in this.
Just remember, you're the one thing That I can't get enough of [LAUGHlNG.]
And I tell you something [SlNGlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY.]
I've had the time of my life And I owe it all to you Come on, what time is it? The time of my life Hey.
- That was nice, man.
- You have to leave now, all of you.
[COACH SlNGlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY.]
COACH & NlCK: The time of my life [SlNGlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY.]
[ON TV.]
Yes, I swear it's the truth It's the truth You were right, Jess.
This movie's pretty good.
Seriously, thank you guys so much for tonight.
That was really cool.
And I've searched Through every open door Listen, Jess, I know you've had a really rough go of it and I just want you to know that, I mean, for me, at least that no matter what I would still totally do you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
- Jar.
- Yeah, jar.