Newzoids (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Top Gear auditions.
Take 25.
This 'ere ostentatious automobile is but a manifestation of the Freudian shortcomings of your average 'member' of the bourgeoisie, what has more money than what they have intelligent-ness! Now, where's my limo? I'm off to pick up some birds Next! BOTH: Hello! We're taking time off Britain's Got Talent to fly back to Australia .
.
where we've been joined by Labour leader Ed Miliband Hi, guys.
.
.
for a special one-off edition of Whoa! BOTH: .
.
I'm a Catastrophe, Get Me Out Of Here! Are you ready for tonight's Bushtucker Trial? The answer is 'Hell, yeah'! Good.
This game's called the 'Laboured Pun'.
Wa-hey! Now, these are what you're looking for, Ed.
There are ten votes hidden in there.
All you have to do is find them.
Well, look, I can't promise, but - Your time starts now! Er Erm Er Open one of the doors! Right, yes, of course Oh, my God! Just stick your head in and see what's there.
I know it's scary (INSECTS SCREAM) .
.
but the maggots will get over it! Oh, hang on, I can see something! It's a vote, Ed! How do I get it? Wind it to the right! No, no, you need to go back to the left! To the right.
To the left! Oh, God, what does the focus group say? You're running out of time, Ed! I know, but what else does it say? Oh.
I've got one! One down, nine to go.
Just pop it in your ballot box.
It doesn't fit! He'll never get to Number Ten.
You're telling me! (KLAXON) Oh, Ed, time's up.
At least I tried.
Come over here, man.
For the final part of your Bushtucker Trial, it's something you're never going to be able to eat .
.
a bacon sandwich.
Ah! That's where you're wrong.
I've been practising.
Watch this.
Is that ketchup? No.
I think I've eaten my thumb.
(BOTH YELL) MEMBER OF PRESS: How do you feel about Hilary Clinton's announcement? I'm delighted.
Hilary could be our first female President.
But don't forget, I've already made history.
I'm the only black man in America to have successfully run twice without being shot in the back by a cop.
(CAMERA SHUTTERS) I'm not taking any chances.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Crown's Boys.
(APPLAUSE) Well, hello again, my loyal subjects.
It's been a feck of a week.
I spent a whole two days on the throne.
That's the last time I try one of Camilla's curries! (FART, LAUGHTER) Oh, bejeezus! Here comes one's useless son.
Hello, Mammy.
What in the name of God are you doing with those biscuits? I'm selling them for ã8.
50.
That's fecking criminal! Why can't you get yourself a job? Because you're still alive! That's nice - the little bollocks! 'Where the fecking feck are you?!' Ah, there you are.
I want my fecking dinner! Then go and shoot it yourself.
(DOORBELL RINGS) There's someone at the door, Mammy! Are you expecting anyone? Yes, the fecking Kents.
There's no need for that sort of language! I mean the Duke and Duchess of Kent! Oh, THOSE fecking Kents.
Get rid of them! (GROANS) Do I have to? Yes, because it's time for another character to enter implausibly at the exact moment you leave.
Oh, all right Sorry we're late, Granny.
Took ages finding a parking space for the helicopter.
Sure, if it isn't my favourite grandson.
And his wife.
Hello, Mammy.
It's "Ma'am" to you.
And where's that lovely great grandson of mine? Shite! We left him in the chopper! Fecking useless.
Healthy competition is key to democracy, so when it comes to voting, I am very pleased when I see someone put a cross on opposition leader.
The cross of a sniper's gun sights.
(LAUGHS) Only kidding.
I did not do this.
What's the matter, Andy? I'm sorry, Kim, I guess I'm just nervous.
But this is our wedding night! I know, I'm just worried that I'll start well and the pressure of the big event will get to me and I'll go to pieces.
Actually, that does sound familiar.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
Practise harder? No, blame everyone around me.
I'm going to sack my sex coach.
You're fired.
I only lasted three minutes.
Still, that's three more than you will.
Now, to replace him, I need someone here who I can really trust.
How about my mother? Not that (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP).
Oh, yeah.
Talk dirty.
Good idea.
That might work.
Top Gear auditions.
Take 37.
The best thing about this car is it's got a nice, roomy glove compartment for your Werther's Originals, and a parcel shelf you can pop a box of tissues on.
If this car was a football team, I'd be too old to manage it.
Next! (BLOWS TUNELESSLY) Hello, I'm Kim Jong-un.
Welcome to The Un Show.
Applause! (HASTY APPLAUSE) On today's glorious programme, how Supreme Leader stay in supreme shape, with 5:2 diet.
I eat whatever I want for five days, then for the next two I eat whatever I want.
Laugh! (LAUGHTER) I also recommend the Grain Diet for rest of the country! Three grains of rice a day.
(AUDIENCE MUMBLE) You lucky is not just two! Coming up later, we have a very special guest Me! (CHEERING) I will be singing my new Number Un single, "Pyongyang, You Are 10,000 Times Mightier Than Other Urban Settlements.
" Applause! (APPLAUSE) And remember to stay tuned after the Un Show for more great North Korean TV.
8:00 - Un Born Every Minute, 9:00 - Fifteen to Un, 9:30 - Un Foot In The Grave, 10:00 - Electricity Cut Off! But first, Gyles Brandreth AUDIENCE: No, please! Not him! No! No! The torture.
It's OK, I'm going to shoot him! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) How's my little Scruffy doing? I'm afraid I've got some bad news about your dog, but I want to, ersoften the blow.
So I've called in the experts.
Hello, m'love.
Greetings.
I'm Mel.
I'm the glasses one.
And we've got some bad news for you, m'darlin'.
Terrible news.
But don't worry, we'll break it to you Bake Off stylie! Huzzah! Mixing in a dash of light-hearted banter .
.
a nipple of suggestive phrasing.
BOTH: Ooh! And a soupcon of laughing at our own jokes (BOTH LAUGH) You're in good hands.
Sowhat's happened to my dog? Well, your dog's stiff Cheeky.
He's reached his end.
Naughty.
His time has come.
Honestly, what are we like? (BOTH CHUCKLE) He's dead? Are you feeling OK, m'cutie? Well, yes, yes, I am.
Look, I'm wobbling my quiff.
And I'm holding my hands like I'm a tiny squirrel.
(CHITTERS) Well, I must say you two are a real tonic.
Thank you.
BOTH: Aww, bless.
Now, I've been meaning to leave my husband, but I don't know quite how to break it to him.
Allergic to nuts, are we? Giddy up, George! (GEORGE WHIMPERS) And whoa! Whoa, there.
(WHIMPERS) Is this it, Pickles? Aye.
This is the place.
Good.
Well, here I am.
Just an ordinary bloke popping out for an ordinary lunch, and not a pre-arranged photo opportunity at all.
Ah! Garcon? Eh? May I see the menu, please? Just choose a burger, you daft toff.
I always like Whoppers.
This is no time for economic statements, George.
I'll have a 'hot-dog' with a knife and fork, obvs, and a bottle of Dom-Perignon.
I prefer non-Dom Perignon.
You don't have to pay tax on it.
(SNIGGERING) Let me handle this, you posh twats.
Three super-size burger meal deals.
I don't know what the others are having.
Er, we'll have the same.
Do you want pickles? Not really, but he is the nearest thing we've got to a commoner.
That's ã23.
95.
I don't carry cash! Osborne, pay the man.
Right-ho! WHOA! Get me to a hospital! A private one, obvs.
(FAINTS) # TO THE TUNE OF THE PROCLAIMERS - 500 Miles # A vote for Labour is a vote for SNP # That's what they're saying cos they're scared of you and me # A vote for Tories is a vote for SNP # Cos either way we're going to tell 'em what to do # If Labour wins 300 seats # And Tories win 300, too # Then we will have them by the balls # Even if we just get 22 # Sod the English, # Sod the English Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 'Broadchurch.
Series 3.
' Detective Inspector Hardy.
Open up.
There's been another paedo crime.
(SOBBING) All right, I'm comin' I'm comin'! What are you cryin' for, woman? Because it's a drama.
And this is what I do in dramas! (SOBS) Hang on, you're not DI Hardy.
Yes, I am.
But where's David Tennant? I've regenerated, haven't I? What, like in Dr Who? No! Nothing like Dr Who.
Now, what about these Daleks - I mean, paedos? Isn't regeneration a bit unlikely? It still makes more sense than most of Series 2.
Series 2 (SOBBING CONTINUES) Oh, boo-bloody-hoo! 'Broadchurch.
Series 3.
The paedos don't stop just because David Tennant's got a film.
' CAROLINE AHERNE: 'Meanwhile, at Highgrove, Charles is watching the brand-new series of Britain's Got Talent.
' SIMON COWELL: 'OK, that was fantastic.
You are the best group of stripping grannies we've ever had on Britain's Got Talent.
' Ruddy hell! Have a bit of self-respect, ladies.
Who wants to see a load of old pensioners waving their bits about? Yoo-hoo! Get a load of this, Chas! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Phwoar! It's a "yes" from me.
I preferred the talking dog.
(YELPS) Top Gear auditions.
Take 73.
Hello.
My name is ermJames Hammond, and today, I'm going to be test driving this car into this producer.
PRODUCER: Eh? Because for me, revenge is a dish best served cold! Which is ironic.
Now, where's my steak? (PRODUCER YELLS) Are you saying it's my fault? No, not at all.
It doesn't matter which one of us little George got the 'commoner' gene from.
It could be you, Kate, it could be me, the Royal Prince, heir to the throne.
The fact is, George is definitely a bit, well, common.
Oi-oi! I want an au-pair with a big pair! Just a bit of bants, love, come on.
(CHANTS) # Ole, ole, ole, ole # Maybe if we arranged some play dates with some suitable children, they could be a good influence on him.
Bollocks! Good idea.
We could line up Harper Beckham.
Either of Elton John's ones.
Kanye and Kim's little girl? Oh Aren't they all What? Aren't they're all a bit, you know, nouveau riche? (YELLS) I am not frigging nouveau riche! Oh, I mean to say, ahem, I do wish you'd stop saying the 'N' word in front of Georgie.
# My mum goes to Iceland # My mum goes to Iceland Na-na-na-na! Georgie! Oi-oi! Put down Great Grandpa's crossbow! Right, that does it, he's having a playdate.
We can get anyone we want over to the palace.
Just pick someone posh who's got children.
Holly Willoughby! No! She's far too ITV! I want Holly Willoughby! Holly Willoughby! (SIGHS) OK, OK, we'll invite her over.
You can play with her kids.
Kids? I wanna play with her cracking bazongas.
Just a bit of bants.
She knows it! Legend! My old man said be a Windsor fan (APPLAUSE) Thanks, guys.
Don't stop.
I deserve it.
Welcome to the Me Show.
Later on, I'll be talking to some more lowlifes and getting a hard-on over their misfortunes.
But first, it's time to meet Nick, who says he's been in an abusive relationship.
(APPLAUSE) Nick, welcome to the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Thanks, I Shut it.
First of all, let me go down on one knee to pretend that I care about you and your stupid, messed-up life.
Sympathetic voice.
Nick, you've been in an abusive relationship.
Am I right? Yes, Jeremy, he promised me so much, and then, let me down How long have you been together? Hmm.
It's nearly five years now.
It started so well.
He said all the right things, but as soon as we got together Yada-yada-yada.
Get to the good bit.
Wellit turns out He was screwing someone else? He was screwing everyone else.
The whole country.
And telling me it was my fault! Well, let's get him out.
David, get yourself out here! (AUDIENCE BOO) Come on, do I look like George Osborne? So, David Can I call you David, you privileged prick? What have you got to say for yourself? Well, for starters, I haven't been screwing EVERYBODY.
Bankers are considerably better off than they were when I came to power.
When WE.
WE came to power.
Whatever.
It's your own fault, Nick.
You said you'd do anything to get into bed with me.
Frankly, you were gagging for it! You bastard! Fight! Fight! AUDIENCE: Fight! Fight! Marquis of Queensbury rules.
He's a cousin, you know? We'll be back after the divorce, to find out who gets custody of the UK.
Hopefully neither of them.
Kick him in the nuts! Wa-hey! Get in! Choosing who to vote for is just like my task on the Apprentice, to work out which of the huge plonkers is the least huge plonker.
And then, don't do what I always do and choose the wrong bloody one.
'This week, things are getting messy on Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents' It's Yusuf's first trip abroad without us, so I hope he's going to behave himself.
'Yusuf's off to Syria!' Syria?! 'But what Yusuf doesn't know is his parents will be spying on his every move!' I can't believe what he's getting up to! ON LAPTOP: (GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS) 'What will he have to say for himself?' Yusuf?! Dad, Mum.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here? More to the point, what are YOU doing here? Oh, this is, like, so embarrassing.
You're telling US! You said you were just going on a gap year.
It's not my fault.
Er, MI5 made me do it.
When you get home, you're in serious trouble.
'That's all coming up on Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents Syria!' Still, at least he's not in Magaluf.
Will you please welcome to the stage Britain's biggest joker, Nigel Farage.
(APPLAUSE) Settle down, settle down.
Right.
Here's one - Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Sounds like AIDS to me.
Go back to where you came from.
(LAUGHTER) Not racist.
Not racist at all.
Just plain old patriotic foreigner bashing.
We got any bankers in tonight? HECKLER: Yeah, you! You were a banker.
All right, we won't do that one.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was sticking two fingers up at the bonkers EU health and safety laws.
(LAUGHTER) Waste of money, the EU.
HECKLER: Yeah, they waste it paying you! Very funny, mate.
Somebody kick him out.
Of the country.
(LAUGHTER) Knock, knock.
AUDIENCE: Who's there? Doesn't matter, you can't come in, Britain's full.
HECKLER: Isn't your wife an immigrant?! Yes, but to be fair, she's doing a job that no British person was prepared to do.
(LAUGHTER) Here's one.
How many Romanian electricians does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares, I'd rather pay over the odds and get a Brit to do it.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) (YELLS) That's it, Frank, you're fired.
Quick, someone, phone Bogdan.
'Yes! It's Top of the Popes.
The album you've been waiting for.
All your favourite hits.
' Hey, guys.
It's me, Pope Francis Call me Frank.
I'm not like those other Popes.
Those squares! # All things bright and beautiful # All creatures great and small # God is no Paul Daniels They probably evolved Yes, modern hymns for modern times.
Because God loves everyone.
# What a friend we have in Dorothy # Straight, gay, bi, God doesn't care # But if two gays want to marry That's a bit much, to be fair Well, there are limits.
Some things are not cool! # Box, box, wherever you may be Curse my mother, get a punch from me Ow.
Shakin' up the Catholic Church with my funky beats.
Are people buying this stuff? Is the Pope a Catholic? To be honest, I'm beginning to wonder.
'Top of the Popes! Price ã10.
99.
' Or just download it illegally.
I'm sure God will forgive you.
OK, before we start, I'm really pleased to say we have a new person joining our Anger Management Group.
Where the hell is a man meant to park?! Four empty disabled spaces and not a single spot for a normal person! Welcome to the group, Jeremy.
Oh, don't tell me.
You're a lesbian.
What's the matter, have they run out of jobs at the BBC? I'm sensing a lot of anger here.
Earth to Planet Lesbo! I'm as angry as a Top Gear presenter who has been sacked for punching someone.
Let's focus on the positive.
The police aren't charging you, and you're still doing your tour.
I have been mildly inconvenienced! OK.
What we do in these situations is hold Peter the Anger Panda.
What?! I'll give you Anger Panda! (GRUNTS) And before anyone says anything, it already had a black eye.
(MAN WHIMPERS) Actually, you know what, I do feel better.
You've had a breakthrough, Jeremy.
Here, have a biscuit.
These biscuits are cold! (ROARS) Who would I like to give it to? Ooh! Which one am I behind? (GIGGLES) You won't catch me putting anything in anyone's box! Ooh, what am I like? There you go, Mr Hamilton, I finished faster than you did in that Chinese Grand Prix.
Thanks.
Lovely job.
Now, would you like some product in your hair? Yes, please.
(CORK POPS) How's that? Perfect.
Right, Ed.
Time to get motivated! Are you ready for tomorrow's debate! Hell, yeah! Take that, Natalie Thingy! Take that, nice Welsh lady! The great thing is, all the heavyweights are out of this one.
Apart from me.
Er, of course.
So, if Farage says foreigners with HIV should sod off, what are you going to say? That's a bad thing.
Yes! And say it straight away this time! Don't just tweet it two hours later.
Hell, yeah! And when you've got them on the ropes, hit them with our Non-Dom policy.
But, Ed Balls, didn't you say abolishing non-dom status would probably end up costing Britain money? Er, I did, but independent experts have said our policy will save money.
Anyways, stop making good points.
Who do you think you are? Nicola Sturgeon?! Sorry, Ed Balls.
So are you ready, Ed? Hell, yeah! I'm a happy warrior! Yeah! Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee.
(GROANS) At least I tried.
(WOMAN GRUNTS AND WAILS) Just our luck to get a room next to Maria Sharapova.
(GRUNTS CONTINUE) Is she having sex or practising her tennis? I guess we'll never know.
MAN: Oh, I say, that was incredible.
Still don't know.
(GRUNTS) # People think I'm mean because I didn't pay much tax # But check this, my thermostat's set to max # I got so much money I don't need to borrow # Splashing me cash like there's no tomorrow # If I go into Sainsbury's, I wreck the joint # Fill up my trolley, rack up Nectar points # Snapping up bog rolls, two-for-one # Eyeing up the bitch with the discount gun # I got money in the bank # Money in the bank # He's got more sugar than me # I got money in the bank # Money in the bank # Been on a Pound Shop spending spree # They called me the fat one, said my songs were cack # Now who's rolling into Argos like it don't mean jack? # New Hoover? New kettle? Stick it on me card # Cos my name's G-Low, the tax-avoiding bard # I got reddies, sucker, I'm mad for the loot # Rolling up like a pimp to the nearest car boot # Player, step back, I got his place on lock Bought some dead man's trousers and a cuckoo clock Ooh, someone's left a Rolo in here.
# I got money in the bank # Money in the bank # He's got more dough than me # I got money in the bank # Money in the bank # I buy one, I get one free # Out on the town, dressed to impress # Got a regular table at Pizza Express # Got more greens than the Queen, more cash than Cowell Might open this gardening catalogue and order a trowel Ooh, not at those prices.
# I'm the queen, I'm the vamp, I'm the bitch on all the stamps # With a crown so heavy that my neck's got cramp # The femme that put HM in HMRC # Still can't get this tax-shy bugger to give back his OBE # Oh, please, your Maj, don't take my gong # To pay off this tax, I'll write another song # Not another song, don't be a twat I'll pay it for you, here, Take That Hey, cash in hand.
Classic!
Take 25.
This 'ere ostentatious automobile is but a manifestation of the Freudian shortcomings of your average 'member' of the bourgeoisie, what has more money than what they have intelligent-ness! Now, where's my limo? I'm off to pick up some birds Next! BOTH: Hello! We're taking time off Britain's Got Talent to fly back to Australia .
.
where we've been joined by Labour leader Ed Miliband Hi, guys.
.
.
for a special one-off edition of Whoa! BOTH: .
.
I'm a Catastrophe, Get Me Out Of Here! Are you ready for tonight's Bushtucker Trial? The answer is 'Hell, yeah'! Good.
This game's called the 'Laboured Pun'.
Wa-hey! Now, these are what you're looking for, Ed.
There are ten votes hidden in there.
All you have to do is find them.
Well, look, I can't promise, but - Your time starts now! Er Erm Er Open one of the doors! Right, yes, of course Oh, my God! Just stick your head in and see what's there.
I know it's scary (INSECTS SCREAM) .
.
but the maggots will get over it! Oh, hang on, I can see something! It's a vote, Ed! How do I get it? Wind it to the right! No, no, you need to go back to the left! To the right.
To the left! Oh, God, what does the focus group say? You're running out of time, Ed! I know, but what else does it say? Oh.
I've got one! One down, nine to go.
Just pop it in your ballot box.
It doesn't fit! He'll never get to Number Ten.
You're telling me! (KLAXON) Oh, Ed, time's up.
At least I tried.
Come over here, man.
For the final part of your Bushtucker Trial, it's something you're never going to be able to eat .
.
a bacon sandwich.
Ah! That's where you're wrong.
I've been practising.
Watch this.
Is that ketchup? No.
I think I've eaten my thumb.
(BOTH YELL) MEMBER OF PRESS: How do you feel about Hilary Clinton's announcement? I'm delighted.
Hilary could be our first female President.
But don't forget, I've already made history.
I'm the only black man in America to have successfully run twice without being shot in the back by a cop.
(CAMERA SHUTTERS) I'm not taking any chances.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Crown's Boys.
(APPLAUSE) Well, hello again, my loyal subjects.
It's been a feck of a week.
I spent a whole two days on the throne.
That's the last time I try one of Camilla's curries! (FART, LAUGHTER) Oh, bejeezus! Here comes one's useless son.
Hello, Mammy.
What in the name of God are you doing with those biscuits? I'm selling them for ã8.
50.
That's fecking criminal! Why can't you get yourself a job? Because you're still alive! That's nice - the little bollocks! 'Where the fecking feck are you?!' Ah, there you are.
I want my fecking dinner! Then go and shoot it yourself.
(DOORBELL RINGS) There's someone at the door, Mammy! Are you expecting anyone? Yes, the fecking Kents.
There's no need for that sort of language! I mean the Duke and Duchess of Kent! Oh, THOSE fecking Kents.
Get rid of them! (GROANS) Do I have to? Yes, because it's time for another character to enter implausibly at the exact moment you leave.
Oh, all right Sorry we're late, Granny.
Took ages finding a parking space for the helicopter.
Sure, if it isn't my favourite grandson.
And his wife.
Hello, Mammy.
It's "Ma'am" to you.
And where's that lovely great grandson of mine? Shite! We left him in the chopper! Fecking useless.
Healthy competition is key to democracy, so when it comes to voting, I am very pleased when I see someone put a cross on opposition leader.
The cross of a sniper's gun sights.
(LAUGHS) Only kidding.
I did not do this.
What's the matter, Andy? I'm sorry, Kim, I guess I'm just nervous.
But this is our wedding night! I know, I'm just worried that I'll start well and the pressure of the big event will get to me and I'll go to pieces.
Actually, that does sound familiar.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
Practise harder? No, blame everyone around me.
I'm going to sack my sex coach.
You're fired.
I only lasted three minutes.
Still, that's three more than you will.
Now, to replace him, I need someone here who I can really trust.
How about my mother? Not that (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP).
Oh, yeah.
Talk dirty.
Good idea.
That might work.
Top Gear auditions.
Take 37.
The best thing about this car is it's got a nice, roomy glove compartment for your Werther's Originals, and a parcel shelf you can pop a box of tissues on.
If this car was a football team, I'd be too old to manage it.
Next! (BLOWS TUNELESSLY) Hello, I'm Kim Jong-un.
Welcome to The Un Show.
Applause! (HASTY APPLAUSE) On today's glorious programme, how Supreme Leader stay in supreme shape, with 5:2 diet.
I eat whatever I want for five days, then for the next two I eat whatever I want.
Laugh! (LAUGHTER) I also recommend the Grain Diet for rest of the country! Three grains of rice a day.
(AUDIENCE MUMBLE) You lucky is not just two! Coming up later, we have a very special guest Me! (CHEERING) I will be singing my new Number Un single, "Pyongyang, You Are 10,000 Times Mightier Than Other Urban Settlements.
" Applause! (APPLAUSE) And remember to stay tuned after the Un Show for more great North Korean TV.
8:00 - Un Born Every Minute, 9:00 - Fifteen to Un, 9:30 - Un Foot In The Grave, 10:00 - Electricity Cut Off! But first, Gyles Brandreth AUDIENCE: No, please! Not him! No! No! The torture.
It's OK, I'm going to shoot him! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) How's my little Scruffy doing? I'm afraid I've got some bad news about your dog, but I want to, ersoften the blow.
So I've called in the experts.
Hello, m'love.
Greetings.
I'm Mel.
I'm the glasses one.
And we've got some bad news for you, m'darlin'.
Terrible news.
But don't worry, we'll break it to you Bake Off stylie! Huzzah! Mixing in a dash of light-hearted banter .
.
a nipple of suggestive phrasing.
BOTH: Ooh! And a soupcon of laughing at our own jokes (BOTH LAUGH) You're in good hands.
Sowhat's happened to my dog? Well, your dog's stiff Cheeky.
He's reached his end.
Naughty.
His time has come.
Honestly, what are we like? (BOTH CHUCKLE) He's dead? Are you feeling OK, m'cutie? Well, yes, yes, I am.
Look, I'm wobbling my quiff.
And I'm holding my hands like I'm a tiny squirrel.
(CHITTERS) Well, I must say you two are a real tonic.
Thank you.
BOTH: Aww, bless.
Now, I've been meaning to leave my husband, but I don't know quite how to break it to him.
Allergic to nuts, are we? Giddy up, George! (GEORGE WHIMPERS) And whoa! Whoa, there.
(WHIMPERS) Is this it, Pickles? Aye.
This is the place.
Good.
Well, here I am.
Just an ordinary bloke popping out for an ordinary lunch, and not a pre-arranged photo opportunity at all.
Ah! Garcon? Eh? May I see the menu, please? Just choose a burger, you daft toff.
I always like Whoppers.
This is no time for economic statements, George.
I'll have a 'hot-dog' with a knife and fork, obvs, and a bottle of Dom-Perignon.
I prefer non-Dom Perignon.
You don't have to pay tax on it.
(SNIGGERING) Let me handle this, you posh twats.
Three super-size burger meal deals.
I don't know what the others are having.
Er, we'll have the same.
Do you want pickles? Not really, but he is the nearest thing we've got to a commoner.
That's ã23.
95.
I don't carry cash! Osborne, pay the man.
Right-ho! WHOA! Get me to a hospital! A private one, obvs.
(FAINTS) # TO THE TUNE OF THE PROCLAIMERS - 500 Miles # A vote for Labour is a vote for SNP # That's what they're saying cos they're scared of you and me # A vote for Tories is a vote for SNP # Cos either way we're going to tell 'em what to do # If Labour wins 300 seats # And Tories win 300, too # Then we will have them by the balls # Even if we just get 22 # Sod the English, # Sod the English Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 'Broadchurch.
Series 3.
' Detective Inspector Hardy.
Open up.
There's been another paedo crime.
(SOBBING) All right, I'm comin' I'm comin'! What are you cryin' for, woman? Because it's a drama.
And this is what I do in dramas! (SOBS) Hang on, you're not DI Hardy.
Yes, I am.
But where's David Tennant? I've regenerated, haven't I? What, like in Dr Who? No! Nothing like Dr Who.
Now, what about these Daleks - I mean, paedos? Isn't regeneration a bit unlikely? It still makes more sense than most of Series 2.
Series 2 (SOBBING CONTINUES) Oh, boo-bloody-hoo! 'Broadchurch.
Series 3.
The paedos don't stop just because David Tennant's got a film.
' CAROLINE AHERNE: 'Meanwhile, at Highgrove, Charles is watching the brand-new series of Britain's Got Talent.
' SIMON COWELL: 'OK, that was fantastic.
You are the best group of stripping grannies we've ever had on Britain's Got Talent.
' Ruddy hell! Have a bit of self-respect, ladies.
Who wants to see a load of old pensioners waving their bits about? Yoo-hoo! Get a load of this, Chas! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Phwoar! It's a "yes" from me.
I preferred the talking dog.
(YELPS) Top Gear auditions.
Take 73.
Hello.
My name is ermJames Hammond, and today, I'm going to be test driving this car into this producer.
PRODUCER: Eh? Because for me, revenge is a dish best served cold! Which is ironic.
Now, where's my steak? (PRODUCER YELLS) Are you saying it's my fault? No, not at all.
It doesn't matter which one of us little George got the 'commoner' gene from.
It could be you, Kate, it could be me, the Royal Prince, heir to the throne.
The fact is, George is definitely a bit, well, common.
Oi-oi! I want an au-pair with a big pair! Just a bit of bants, love, come on.
(CHANTS) # Ole, ole, ole, ole # Maybe if we arranged some play dates with some suitable children, they could be a good influence on him.
Bollocks! Good idea.
We could line up Harper Beckham.
Either of Elton John's ones.
Kanye and Kim's little girl? Oh Aren't they all What? Aren't they're all a bit, you know, nouveau riche? (YELLS) I am not frigging nouveau riche! Oh, I mean to say, ahem, I do wish you'd stop saying the 'N' word in front of Georgie.
# My mum goes to Iceland # My mum goes to Iceland Na-na-na-na! Georgie! Oi-oi! Put down Great Grandpa's crossbow! Right, that does it, he's having a playdate.
We can get anyone we want over to the palace.
Just pick someone posh who's got children.
Holly Willoughby! No! She's far too ITV! I want Holly Willoughby! Holly Willoughby! (SIGHS) OK, OK, we'll invite her over.
You can play with her kids.
Kids? I wanna play with her cracking bazongas.
Just a bit of bants.
She knows it! Legend! My old man said be a Windsor fan (APPLAUSE) Thanks, guys.
Don't stop.
I deserve it.
Welcome to the Me Show.
Later on, I'll be talking to some more lowlifes and getting a hard-on over their misfortunes.
But first, it's time to meet Nick, who says he's been in an abusive relationship.
(APPLAUSE) Nick, welcome to the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Thanks, I Shut it.
First of all, let me go down on one knee to pretend that I care about you and your stupid, messed-up life.
Sympathetic voice.
Nick, you've been in an abusive relationship.
Am I right? Yes, Jeremy, he promised me so much, and then, let me down How long have you been together? Hmm.
It's nearly five years now.
It started so well.
He said all the right things, but as soon as we got together Yada-yada-yada.
Get to the good bit.
Wellit turns out He was screwing someone else? He was screwing everyone else.
The whole country.
And telling me it was my fault! Well, let's get him out.
David, get yourself out here! (AUDIENCE BOO) Come on, do I look like George Osborne? So, David Can I call you David, you privileged prick? What have you got to say for yourself? Well, for starters, I haven't been screwing EVERYBODY.
Bankers are considerably better off than they were when I came to power.
When WE.
WE came to power.
Whatever.
It's your own fault, Nick.
You said you'd do anything to get into bed with me.
Frankly, you were gagging for it! You bastard! Fight! Fight! AUDIENCE: Fight! Fight! Marquis of Queensbury rules.
He's a cousin, you know? We'll be back after the divorce, to find out who gets custody of the UK.
Hopefully neither of them.
Kick him in the nuts! Wa-hey! Get in! Choosing who to vote for is just like my task on the Apprentice, to work out which of the huge plonkers is the least huge plonker.
And then, don't do what I always do and choose the wrong bloody one.
'This week, things are getting messy on Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents' It's Yusuf's first trip abroad without us, so I hope he's going to behave himself.
'Yusuf's off to Syria!' Syria?! 'But what Yusuf doesn't know is his parents will be spying on his every move!' I can't believe what he's getting up to! ON LAPTOP: (GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS) 'What will he have to say for himself?' Yusuf?! Dad, Mum.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here? More to the point, what are YOU doing here? Oh, this is, like, so embarrassing.
You're telling US! You said you were just going on a gap year.
It's not my fault.
Er, MI5 made me do it.
When you get home, you're in serious trouble.
'That's all coming up on Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents Syria!' Still, at least he's not in Magaluf.
Will you please welcome to the stage Britain's biggest joker, Nigel Farage.
(APPLAUSE) Settle down, settle down.
Right.
Here's one - Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Sounds like AIDS to me.
Go back to where you came from.
(LAUGHTER) Not racist.
Not racist at all.
Just plain old patriotic foreigner bashing.
We got any bankers in tonight? HECKLER: Yeah, you! You were a banker.
All right, we won't do that one.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was sticking two fingers up at the bonkers EU health and safety laws.
(LAUGHTER) Waste of money, the EU.
HECKLER: Yeah, they waste it paying you! Very funny, mate.
Somebody kick him out.
Of the country.
(LAUGHTER) Knock, knock.
AUDIENCE: Who's there? Doesn't matter, you can't come in, Britain's full.
HECKLER: Isn't your wife an immigrant?! Yes, but to be fair, she's doing a job that no British person was prepared to do.
(LAUGHTER) Here's one.
How many Romanian electricians does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares, I'd rather pay over the odds and get a Brit to do it.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) (YELLS) That's it, Frank, you're fired.
Quick, someone, phone Bogdan.
'Yes! It's Top of the Popes.
The album you've been waiting for.
All your favourite hits.
' Hey, guys.
It's me, Pope Francis Call me Frank.
I'm not like those other Popes.
Those squares! # All things bright and beautiful # All creatures great and small # God is no Paul Daniels They probably evolved Yes, modern hymns for modern times.
Because God loves everyone.
# What a friend we have in Dorothy # Straight, gay, bi, God doesn't care # But if two gays want to marry That's a bit much, to be fair Well, there are limits.
Some things are not cool! # Box, box, wherever you may be Curse my mother, get a punch from me Ow.
Shakin' up the Catholic Church with my funky beats.
Are people buying this stuff? Is the Pope a Catholic? To be honest, I'm beginning to wonder.
'Top of the Popes! Price ã10.
99.
' Or just download it illegally.
I'm sure God will forgive you.
OK, before we start, I'm really pleased to say we have a new person joining our Anger Management Group.
Where the hell is a man meant to park?! Four empty disabled spaces and not a single spot for a normal person! Welcome to the group, Jeremy.
Oh, don't tell me.
You're a lesbian.
What's the matter, have they run out of jobs at the BBC? I'm sensing a lot of anger here.
Earth to Planet Lesbo! I'm as angry as a Top Gear presenter who has been sacked for punching someone.
Let's focus on the positive.
The police aren't charging you, and you're still doing your tour.
I have been mildly inconvenienced! OK.
What we do in these situations is hold Peter the Anger Panda.
What?! I'll give you Anger Panda! (GRUNTS) And before anyone says anything, it already had a black eye.
(MAN WHIMPERS) Actually, you know what, I do feel better.
You've had a breakthrough, Jeremy.
Here, have a biscuit.
These biscuits are cold! (ROARS) Who would I like to give it to? Ooh! Which one am I behind? (GIGGLES) You won't catch me putting anything in anyone's box! Ooh, what am I like? There you go, Mr Hamilton, I finished faster than you did in that Chinese Grand Prix.
Thanks.
Lovely job.
Now, would you like some product in your hair? Yes, please.
(CORK POPS) How's that? Perfect.
Right, Ed.
Time to get motivated! Are you ready for tomorrow's debate! Hell, yeah! Take that, Natalie Thingy! Take that, nice Welsh lady! The great thing is, all the heavyweights are out of this one.
Apart from me.
Er, of course.
So, if Farage says foreigners with HIV should sod off, what are you going to say? That's a bad thing.
Yes! And say it straight away this time! Don't just tweet it two hours later.
Hell, yeah! And when you've got them on the ropes, hit them with our Non-Dom policy.
But, Ed Balls, didn't you say abolishing non-dom status would probably end up costing Britain money? Er, I did, but independent experts have said our policy will save money.
Anyways, stop making good points.
Who do you think you are? Nicola Sturgeon?! Sorry, Ed Balls.
So are you ready, Ed? Hell, yeah! I'm a happy warrior! Yeah! Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee.
(GROANS) At least I tried.
(WOMAN GRUNTS AND WAILS) Just our luck to get a room next to Maria Sharapova.
(GRUNTS CONTINUE) Is she having sex or practising her tennis? I guess we'll never know.
MAN: Oh, I say, that was incredible.
Still don't know.
(GRUNTS) # People think I'm mean because I didn't pay much tax # But check this, my thermostat's set to max # I got so much money I don't need to borrow # Splashing me cash like there's no tomorrow # If I go into Sainsbury's, I wreck the joint # Fill up my trolley, rack up Nectar points # Snapping up bog rolls, two-for-one # Eyeing up the bitch with the discount gun # I got money in the bank # Money in the bank # He's got more sugar than me # I got money in the bank # Money in the bank # Been on a Pound Shop spending spree # They called me the fat one, said my songs were cack # Now who's rolling into Argos like it don't mean jack? # New Hoover? New kettle? Stick it on me card # Cos my name's G-Low, the tax-avoiding bard # I got reddies, sucker, I'm mad for the loot # Rolling up like a pimp to the nearest car boot # Player, step back, I got his place on lock Bought some dead man's trousers and a cuckoo clock Ooh, someone's left a Rolo in here.
# I got money in the bank # Money in the bank # He's got more dough than me # I got money in the bank # Money in the bank # I buy one, I get one free # Out on the town, dressed to impress # Got a regular table at Pizza Express # Got more greens than the Queen, more cash than Cowell Might open this gardening catalogue and order a trowel Ooh, not at those prices.
# I'm the queen, I'm the vamp, I'm the bitch on all the stamps # With a crown so heavy that my neck's got cramp # The femme that put HM in HMRC # Still can't get this tax-shy bugger to give back his OBE # Oh, please, your Maj, don't take my gong # To pay off this tax, I'll write another song # Not another song, don't be a twat I'll pay it for you, here, Take That Hey, cash in hand.
Classic!