Night Court (1984) s01e01 Episode Script

The judge will be here any minute.
- Are you finished painting? - Yeah.
Then what are you doing? I'm watching a naked couple in the building across the alley.
They're fooling around.
That's depraved.
Too soon to tell.
How would you like somebody watching you and your wife doing that? My wife won't do that.
Out.
How are you? God, I was so close.
Hi, Bull.
Any sign of the new judge? Not yet.
Say, Lana what's this guy supposed to be like? I don't know.
Our ex-mayor just filled the vacancies in the court his last day in office.
Nobody knows who was appointed or where they were assigned.
I think that's mercurial.
- Did you say "mercurial"? - I'm trying to make up for lack of education.
So every month, I pick a word at random out of the dictionary and use it all that month.
- My, how - Minimifidian? Is that a real word? Does a bear extravasate in the forest? What? No.
Tell the judge the mayor called.
Bye, Bull.
- Hello.
- Is that stuff for the judge? - Yeah.
- What is it? It looks like junk to me.
Well, stick it over in the corner.
Right.
- My name's Harry.
- So? I get your drift.
Is he here yet? Not yet, Sheila.
Good evening, Daniel.
- Good evening.
- Do I look all right? You look fine, Sheila.
Doesn't she, Dan? Yeah, swell.
You heard anything about him? Anything at all? Nada.
I was just told to expect him tonight.
I hope he's got a background in criminal law.
I hope he plays chess.
A new man has been appointed to the bench and all you hope for is someone who can play chess.
I also hope his first name is not Shecky.
- Package for Judge Stone.
- He's not here.
Hey, great view.
- What are you doing up there? - I'm watching this guy trying to Bravo! - Could you just get off of there? - The judge has to sign for this himself.
I said, he is not here.
Oh, yes, he is.
What? Oh, you don't mean - You're judge Harold T.
Stone? - Yep.
You are really a judge? Hey, listen, if I weren't the judge could I do this? - In his office? - No, I guess not.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Sorry, I don't tip.
Besides, how do I know you're not the type to go out and spend it on a Barry Manilow album? Cover me.
Judge Stone.
Dan Fielding, assistant district attorney.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Sheila Gardiner, an attorney with legal aid.
Pleasure's mine.
I'm Lana Wagner, your court clerk.
Couldn't you just die? Pay no attention to the gossip.
On you, they look good.
I don't know what's holding the judge up.
- Diaper change, perhaps.
- All rise.
Criminal courts, part two, city of New York, is now in session.
The Honorable Harold T Stone presiding.
Gotcha.
- Your Honor - I've always wanted to see that happen.
Far be it from me to advise you on courtroom matters - Where's my gavel? - I beg your pardon? - That hammer thing.
- I know what it is - Oh, here it is.
- Your Honor Ladies and gentlemen of the court Well, how the hell are you tonight? - Sir, the first case on the docket - Harry? - Is that you? - Hacksaw? Come on down.
He has a friend named Hacksaw.
Blocky and Lefty must be caught in traffic.
- Hacksaw, how are you doing? - Yeah, well, you know.
Yeah, three-card monte again, huh? - Guilty, Your Honor.
- Miss Wagner prepare the file on Hammond, Leonard G.
- It's not the first case - Miss Gardiner, your client's pleading guilty.
- Be right there.
- It'll cost you 50 bucks.
- What was the fine? - Fifty bucks, hon.
- Thank you.
Here's the file.
- Case closed.
- Good to see you, Hacksaw, really good.
- You too.
Boy, that was quick.
What's next? - I hate you! - Well, I hate you more! - We'll talk later.
- Your whole family's crazy.
Their chromosomes aren't normal, and they all look like Slinkys.
You leave my family out of this, you - Scuzzball.
- Scuzzball! You ought to lock her up and throw away the key, judge.
She's crazy.
All right! Let's put a lid on this assiduousness.
State v.
Kerr, Your Honor.
- This case has some intricate - Let's all gather around the big desk.
Your Honor, this case has some intricate facets.
Can you give it to me in a nutshell? Husband and wife, married 27 years.
She catches him with a prostitute fires a couple of shots, misses them both by a mile so the DA files for attempted murder.
- This could go either way.
- Yes.
- Unless - What? No, I guess it's gotta go either way, doesn't it? - Your Honor - Hi.
Hi.
- Let's see here.
Philip Kerr? - Yes, sir.
- Louise Kerr? - Here.
Carla Bouvoir? They call me Carla B.
, Your Honor.
I'm probably down there for alleged solicitation of prostitution or something.
Right you are.
- Your Honor, may I? - Mr.
Prosecutor Miss Gardiner, I am prepared to listen to the testimony cross-examine the witnesses consider the precedents that I'm sure you've both prepared.
But I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
- What do you mean it's not necessary? - Glad you asked.
We will now take a short recess.
During that time, I order the defendant Mrs.
Kerr and her husband Mr.
Kerr and the attorneys involved to go to a nearby restaurant sit down, have a cup of coffee, relax, try to work out this little thing.
Your Honor, this is highly irregular.
Thanks.
Court's recessed.
I cannot work with that man.
He's disrupting my court.
- There isn't much we can do.
- What's that mean? A judicial review board takes months, sometimes even years to investigate a suspect judge.
And then they're usually only given an official reprimand.
It is virtually impossible to remove a sitting judge from the bench.
So, what you're saying is We have to kill him.
Yo.
- Sir, I have to speak with you.
- Lana, good to see you.
Come over.
Your Honor, I feel that it's my duty to discuss with you your behavior - Pick a card.
- Sir, I have urgent business to discuss.
You can talk while you're doing this.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Now, what's on your mind? Judge Stone, I think your actions in the Kerr case were impulsive unorthodox and totally irresponsible.
My God, they're at it again? - Your Honor! - Come on, call me Harry.
- I don't think I can.
- Yeah my baby brother had trouble pronouncing it too.
Used to come out: - Your Honor - Call me: You're crazy.
An attempted murder, and you send the plaintiff and the defendant out for a cup of coffee? What do murderers get? Brunch? All right, my methods are informal.
Hey, give them a chance.
They might work.
Maybe, just maybe, it'll work.
Then again, maybe someday pigs will fly.
Oh, my God, Sheila, Dan, are you all right? - What happened? - You wanna know what happened? - I'll tell you what happened.
- No settlement with the Kerrs.
Oh, Dan, it must have been awful.
I loved my shirt.
I really thought it would work.
I'm sorry.
I really am but it was predictable.
Yeah, maybe it was.
- You're a whale! - You're a tarantula! You never used language like that to me before! - You never tried to shoot me before.
- Settle down.
Now, pipe down, or I'm gonna turn Bull loose to kick some butt.
Try to look menacing.
Good.
All right, everybody sit down.
Now, I thought I sent you two away to work this thing out.
I tried to work things out with her, but she won't have none of it.
That's a damn lie! Louise has been trying.
This dude won't give her a chance.
Hey, don't forget, Phil's the one that was shot at.
All right.
All right, I want no more shouting from the gallery.
Do I make myself clear? Yes, the man in the back in the bathrobe.
Are "oohs" and "aahs" okay? - They're fine.
- Thank you.
- Have we started? - Can I have the Kerr file, please? Thank you.
All right.
Listen up, folks.
It seems that there are those who feel that I am not fit to be a judge.
It seems that there are those who think I'm crazy.
Well, frankly I just don't know.
- Your Honor - Miss Wagner.
What's that behind your ear? Why, it's a coin.
- Oh, my God.
- Why, it's the coin of justice.
- I don't think you're feeling very well.
- Let's flip the coin, let it decide.
Heads, I stay a judge, tails, I resign.
Heads.
I'm still a judge.
I'm going for an ambulance.
Take a seat, Miss Wagner.
Now, Phil it says there that you've been married - Yes, sir.
- Twenty-seven years.
Jeez must have been a living hell, huh? - Yeah.
Well, there were some okay times.
- Early on.
- Yeah, early on.
Wait, let me guess.
You two haven't had that much to say to each other recently? Romance has sort of been replaced by a really good night's sleep? And so he goes to the other woman.
It's a living.
Crime: Solicitation.
- Heads, I just fine you, tails, you go to jail.
- Wait.
Heads again.
It's your lucky day.
Could be yours too.
I can appreciate that.
Your Honor, I must protest for the record.
Mr.
Fielding, did you have a happy childhood? What? Was it happy? I mean, did you laugh a lot as a youngster? - I don't want to answer.
- I don't wanna fine you for contempt.
- I didn't laugh a lot.
- Thank you.
Does anybody understand what I'm saying here? Does anyone understand what I'm trying to do here? Miss Wagner.
Sheila.
- Bull.
- I don't know what the hell's going on.
I'm just talking, folks.
You get it? I'm talking.
Talking.
You talk to people.
You talk, you find out about them.
Maybe you reveal a little bit about yourself in the process.
But the main thing is, you get to know them.
You go inside their head.
You find out what their dreams are what their hopes are.
Are there any English-speaking people here tonight? All right, then let's flip the coin again.
Let's decide the Kerr case.
The defense wants heads, Your Honor! I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm saying.
Here it is: Heads, I send Louise to jail for seven years.
Tails, we let her go.
Phil, was there anything you wanted to say to your wife before I flip? Seven years? Good luck, Louise.
- Okay.
- It was your own fault for trying to shoot me.
Shoot, "shmoot.
" I fired straight up in the air.
Do you think I would take a chance on hurting you? Is that true, Louise? What, I mean you think I nursed him through three bouts of pneumonia and a gallbladder operation just to fill him full of lead? You mean you weren't trying to hurt me? Louise, I I - I - Say it, Phil.
Say it! I love you, Louise.
- And I love you, Phil.
- Then what are we doing here? - Phil, can we forget this whole thing? - I'd like to.
I really would.
- Your Honor - Oh, come on, Phil, one more flip.
Heads, we send her up the river, tails, you take her home.
No.
Every time you flip that, it comes up heads.
Well, of course it does, it's a double-headed coin.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
You didn't think I believed in luck, did you? - All right.
Philip Kerr.
- Yes, sir.
- Louise Kerr.
- Yes, sir.
By the power vested in me by the state of New York I pronounce you a little better off than you were when you came in.
I had a husband just like that.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
I had to shoot him too.
Will the counsels approach the bench, please? Well, I'm beat.
How about you guys? - I'll do anything you want.
- Terrific.
You guys sort it out.
I'm gonna go to my chambers and do some judge stuff.
- Any questions? - Just one.
How? How did you get appointed to the bench? You know, Dan, that's a funny story.
It was the mayor's last day in office, and it was a Sunday.
And my name was at the bottom of a list of a thousand candidates.
They start calling folks, starting at the top of the list.
But you see, it's Sunday, so no one's home.
So they keep calling down the list name by name.
No one answers.
Finally, they get down to the bottom of the list and voilà.
You mean you were appointed a judge because I was home.
There will be a 10-minute recess.
Pass it on.
Your Honor? Your Honor.
I own every record Mel Torme ever made.
I'm gonna marry the girl that's impressed by that.
- I beg your pardon? - You were about to say? Oh, yes.
They're ready to lock up now.
Fine.
By the way, thanks a lot for being patient with me tonight.
I am new here, you know.
Yeah, we noticed.
My name was at the bottom of that list of prospective judges because I haven't had much experience, really.
But every candidate does go through a thorough screening process.
And whatever anybody thinks of that list I was on it.
Good night, Miss Wagner.
What you did out here tonight was beautiful.
Oh, in a bohemian sort of way.
No, no.
I mean it.
You saved that marriage and the 27 years of love and memories and fulfillment that go along with it.
Sometimes I get lucky.
Good night.
About my job Give me one more chance, huh? It would be an honor to call you Harry.
Then it's fortunate I have that name.