No Heroics s01e01 Episode Script

- Oh, for Christ's sake! - Hey! Look on the bright side.
No-one will steal knick-knacks from you again.
You're the dick who razed the National Gallery again.
Yes.
The Hotness! See? You HAVE heard of me.
What are you gonna do about my news stand? I know something that'll gonna make you feel a lot better.
Yep.
It's signed.
I know.
Amazing! All right there, darling? You a superhero, then? Yeah.
The costume thing kind of gives it away, eh? What's with that costume? - Dunno.
Fashion statement? - Oh, really? And what's it saying, then? Right now it's shouting, "Please fuck off!" But I thought you said you liked me.
- Well, I know you never said it, but - You sound needy.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask.
Not you.
I've got Doomball in a throatlock.
But what about the other night.
I thought we had a great time.
- Don't go there.
- Oh, really! Well, pizza and a handjob sound like a pretty good time to me, Mister! You shouldn't have put out.
This is done.
I've quit the business, I'm drunk, and even if I know you, I probably don't like you.
Leave a message.
' I know who it is, Alex.
Hey.
It's me, Alex.
Come down The Fortress, you big Spanish homo.
I hate my life.
Hey, fat boy.
Make way for a hero.
Yeah, we're all heroes here.
Twat! What's wrong with Glory Vixen? Someone put her sex tape on the internet.
- It's so awful.
- Yeah, really grainy.
Who cares about another sex tape? You saw Cyclone's ball sac.
I feel for her, but if you're daft enough to have sex in costume - That could happen to anyone.
- Certainly could, cowgirl.
Yee-ha! - You said you'd get rid of it.
- Yeah.
I didn't.
- I don't believe this.
- And I added some music.
Our song.
- Hammertime is not our song.
- It is now.
Don.
Make yourself useful.
Who gets the first round in? - It's Alex.
- Bollocks! It's always me.
Don't argue with the future, Floppy-tits.
I like you better when I can fast forward the talking.
So, I said "No, THIS is a forcefield," and showed him mine.
Well, you've seen mine.
It's fucking massive.
- All right, Steve? - Yeah, great, thanks.
Good.
- Good.
- Well, actually, no.
I've not been OK since The Gulf.
It's the pain.
And the dreams.
And the waking up drenched in sweat and piss.
OK.
Cheers.
- Oh.
- Watch the suit, Hotpants! Very funny.
Never heard that one before.
- Seriously.
What is your cape name? - You know what it is.
Oh, yeah.
The Gayness.
The Hotness, actually.
Whatever.
If you're not on the board, no-one cares.
90 televisual appearances.
That has to burn.
I've been on TV.
Yeah, quiz shows don't count, Fuckface.
- They do count.
- Hey, your ex - is looking pretty hot herself tonight.
- Is she? Well, nothing amazing, but if it was a quiet night, I'd have a go.
I'm sure she'd really like that.
Of course she bloody would.
By the way, your costume's showing.
- Really? - No.
- Brilliant! - Brilliant.
- What a cock.
- It's Devlin, isn't it? Being slightly more famous doesn't make him better than me.
Exactly.
And OK, maybe he can do a few things you can't.
- Flying - Shooting lasers out his eyes.
- Jogging.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can jog.
You mum run, you're all arms.
And OK, maybe Devlin has got a better cape name that's not quite so You know.
Gay? For the last time, there's nothing gay about The Hotness.
- Don.
As a gay man - Oh, it's the gayest name in history.
Look.
I'm famous! I'm gonna be on Power Hour tonight.
"Retard Torches Kiosk.
" Not exactly headline news.
If I'm not famous, then what do you call this? The amount of times you say "I'm famous" every day? It's a fan's phone number, actually.
Her name's Vicci - with two Cs and an I.
- She sounds like a slag.
- Yes.
Yes, she does! - Oh, come on, you two.
- It's all right.
She's just jealous.
- As if.
I'd rather fuck Don.
- Oh, please! - Just talk about me like I'm not here! - Actually, I'd better go.
I've got a risotto to heat up.
And there's a certain lady called Vicci who wants to play with fire.
By that, I mean my cock and balls.
I need a cigarette.
Have a great night of indifferent cooking and selfish love-making.
Thanks! I will.
My cooking's not indifferent.
- You know what those two need? - Some good, honest chat? I was gonna say a hay fuck.
And where are you off to in such a hurry? The Shit Name Club? - Actually, I've got a date.
- Actually, I've got a date.
What are you? A 14-year-old girl? - Just get out of the way, Devlin.
- OK, fine.
What's the password.
- What? - I can't let you through without it.
- For fuck's sake - No.
- This is pathetic.
- Yes, it is.
But that's not the password.
Er, I don't know.
Is it - Superheroes? - No.
- Ticklestick.
- Congratulations on being a homo.
- Just let me past.
- No.
- Please! - Yes.
That's it.
See how easy that was? - Wanker! - Watch it, Hotcakes.
- All right, Simon? - Are you talking to me? Oh, God.
All right, Thundermonkey? Better.
Cape name when I'm on duty, please.
We'll have some respect.
I thought you should know.
Depth Charge is using his magnetic hand on the pinball machine.
Jesus Christ! He'll damage the mechanism.
Works every time.
Machine, give fags.
- Nice try.
- Bumsticks.
Do you know what will occur if I let everyone use their powers here? - No.
- Anarchy! And anarchy is not good for the carpets.
Come on.
It's just a packet of fags.
I'll get you a date with Jenny if you let me keep them.
- Could you do that? - As if! I'm a superhero, not a fucking miracle worker.
Well, don't push my buttons, all right? You know I'm authorised.
Don't make me bring the monkey thunder.
You wouldn't.
Hey! It's the bot-man.
Uh! Where do you think you're going? I don't know what you're talking about? - What's the password? I can't let you through without that.
Oh, the password.
I remember.
Is it, "Let me through or I rape you, then kill you.
"? That's close enough.
Yeah.
Thank you.
- Just a little joke, you psycho.
- I heard that.
Just out of interest, Simon, how soon do the monkeys get here after you summon them? - About two and a half hours.
- Handy! Yeah, well.
There's a perfectly good corner shop up there.
On the corner.
The shopkeeper stinks of egg and it's pissing down.
- Your costume's waterproof.
- Have you seen my costume? - It's fucking tiny.
- Not my fault you dress like a slag.
You know, it still amazes me you don't have a girlfriend, Simon.
Fine! Thanks for inviting me over.
Thanks for giving me your number, you big flirt.
Are you sure you're OK with the whole Secret identity? Yeah, of course.
It's not like you're my first cape.
Do you er mind if I smoke? Not at all.
That's er pretty hot.
Well, you're either hot or you're not.
People do say that.
It's like a phrase.
Mm.
See you've got a lot of movies, Hotman.
Yes.
The Hotness.
J'adore les films.
"Some Like It Hot", "Body Heat" "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof".
Heat themed Christmas presents.
No one gets bored of that gag.
Except, you know me! So erm what's "Alex And Sarah"? Oh! Er, that that's just a sweet erm romantic comedy with a homemade cover.
It's a sex tape, isn't it? Yeah.
It is.
Maybe we could - make the sequel.
- Not sure Sarah would be up for that.
No We still can't, actually, cos the video camera was hers.
But You know, I like the rain.
Clears the air, dunnit? Plus, that outfit's gone see-through! - No, it fucking hasn't.
- Yeah.
The nipples are definitely coming into play.
- Cock off, egg man! - Oh, that's nice talk for a lady.
I could have you banned.
Don't you lot have a code of conduct? You never get that Excelsor bloke off the telly effing and blinding.
You heroes don't know you're born.
- Open the till, Granddad! - Oh, ball sacs! Unlucky.
There's a cape out back.
Yeah, right! Open the till or I'll shoot you.
- I mean it! - You're not gonna shoot me.
Fuck! - Typical! - Now open the till! Do it yourself! All right! I'll do it.
Ooh, muffins.
Have you noticed how no one even asked how my day went? - Don.
- How was your day? - Shit.
- I know that.
I broke Doomball's arm and I broke up with David.
I didn't know you went out with David? I thought you were just - What's that? - Wanking.
- And that hand? - Eating pizza.
We didn't do them all at once.
At least you got to break someone's arm.
I miss that.
Oh, darling, I know you do.
That's why you're taking time off.
- Oh, I hate retirement.
- What you need is a hobby.
- What did you get up to today? - This and that, bits and bobs.
- Drinking and masturbating.
- Yep.
I beat Little Don like he owe me money.
In Spain, that phrase very funny.
- So, who are these guys? - Oh, that's just me at the academy.
We kind of take an oath not to talk about it.
- Fine.
- OK! That's where I learned my mastery of fire, to shape it as I please.
So, do all superheroes go there? We're really not supposed to talk about it.
But, yes.
It's quite a big deal.
People from all over the world go there.
You know, when their powers come on.
And when's that? Depends.
Mostly around puberty.
Which makes me think there's a definite connection between superpowers and sex.
Indeed.
They should call them sexerpowers? Which makes me think that there's something you could do - For me.
- Go on.
Get the costume.
God.
Really? I want you to fuck me wearing the suit.
Well, that that does sound nice.
- How about I just put the gloves on? - The whole suit or nothing.
Listen, Vicci.
Are you Are you into me, Alex? Or are you just into the idea of having sex with The Hotness? Fuck it.
I'll just go and get changed.
Ooh, Hotness! - Ooh! - What's wrong? Erm the suit's not really designed for this.
It's a bit pinchy in the ball area.
Oh.
I think I know something that might get you in the mood.
- Not wearing the suit? - No, silly.
Why don't you pretend you're saving me? Erm I'm not I'm not really too good at the whole role play thing.
Really? Come on.
The Hotness to the rescue! We do get to have sex now, right? You're gonna have to try a bit harder than that.
Good! Don.
Have you ever used your powers to find a boyfriend? No.
- Yes.
- Then, help me find a nice man.
Jenny.
I've had sex with myself so many times in the last 24 hours, - I'm dry on the inside.
- OK, that's unpleasant.
- My balls are like ping pongs.
- Yuk! If I found a nice man, I would give him to you? But if I pick someone to talk to, you can tell me how they'll react.
Yes.
For 60 seconds.
They say in the first minute you know if it's meant to be.
Hey.
No powers in The Fortress.
You know, if I get barred from the pub, I literally have nothing left to live for.
That's two drinks.
Who's first? Oh, don't mind me.
Jesus! How old are you? You've been shot by a tiny child! It's embarrassing.
- I give up.
- That's all right.
You keep it.
I don't want no trouble with a cape.
Just getting some fags.
Shall I open this? I'm good with machines.
You're meant to be an 'ero.
Don't tell me how to be a hero.
Even my parents are heroes.
They were like Torvill and Dean.
Your parents're Torvill and Dean? No.
They were LIKE the Torvill and Dean of the superhero world.
- Not very clever, are you? - I am robbing a Costcutter.
Fair point.
Open.
Will you be able to pick up all that money with child's hands? - Is this a trick or something? - No.
I just like you.
You could use some of that to get something to cover your face.
Tights a balaclava.
Go on.
Someone! Help me! Tourniquet has me in one of his evil traps! Er, Vicci, people don't really talk like that.
- Look.
Do you want to do this or not? - Right.
Sorry.
Er don't worry.
I'm The Hotness.
- And I'm going to rescue you.
- You might be hot.
But you'll never get me loose from Torniquet's evil knots.
Erm, Tourniquet doesn't really do knots.
He's more an evil virus guy.
- The name is confusing.
- Fine.
He's also injected me with an evil virus.
What are you gonna do?! Well, once it's in the blood, there's not a lot you CAN do.
It's basically all over.
Fucking useless.
Why don't you take off my tight trousers? That should neutralise the virus.
Nice idea.
I'm on it.
Don't stop now! What is that? - Is that Excelsor? - Yeah.
- Most people don't recognise him.
- No, I think it's very accurate.
Look.
Excelsor's smiling at you.
Why don't you give him a little kiss? What if I went up to that guy there and said, "Hi.
I'm Jenny.
"? How would that go? - Badly.
- What do you mean? You say, "Hi, I'm Jenny.
" He say, "Hi, I'm Steve.
You smell like a sexfish.
" - He sounds a bit odd.
- It's Odd Steve.
He's fucking odd.
Right.
What about that guy in the suit? They're off duty superheroes.
They're all in suits.
Him.
Yeah, you can try it.
But he'll say you remind him of his mother.
- No problem.
- Then he'll lick his lips - and touch himself a bit.
- That is trickier.
Here's a fun idea.
What about Devlin? Devlin? The most famous superhero of his generation? Go on.
You never know.
- I wouldn't bother.
- Why not? - You don't want to know.
- Tell me.
OK.
First, he calls you a name which rhymes with bugly spunt.
- Right.
- Then Devlin's laughing.
Now all his friends join in, wildly.
One of them's laughing so much, red wine's coming out of his nose and he's texting a friend.
Enough.
That's enough, Don.
Oh, Hotman! Vicci? Vicci! I'm not I'm not really feeling this any more.
Is it cos of my Excelsor? Maybe.
Would you prefer if it was a picture of you? No.
It still feels a bit rushed.
Most superheroes seem to like that.
How many costumes have you been with, exactly? - 20.
- Right.
Anyone I know? - Hardstar, Dancemaster, Brimstone.
- He's a demon.
Detonator, Hunter and Prey, they were together.
- Tinface.
- He's made entirely of metal.
Powerfist, Woody Harrelson.
Vicci, just so you know, Woody Harrelson is not a superhero.
- What? - Look.
I think you're a really nice slightly slutty girl, but I really think you should go now.
You lot are all the same.
You think you have the power, but you haven't.
Technically, I have got the power.
Kick me out and I'll go straight to the press and say you couldn't get it up.
- You wouldn't.
- I may even say it was cape rape.
Christ! Please don't say that.
Erm, maybe I could get you something? - An autograph? - What? What will get you to go? Well There is something you could do for me.
No way! Just think of it like an autograph.
It's nothing like an autograph! OK, OK, OK, OK.
Swear you'll never tell anyone.
That'll do.
See you.
- Why didn't you stop him? - He seemed lovely.
I'm I'm sorry.
All right, sweetcakes? Yeah.
Guess what? Calling me sweetcakes really isn't gonna help.
If you admit you're a bellend I'll think about stopping the tiny criminal.
All right, then.
Fine.
I'm a bellend.
I can't hear you, Mr Bellend! - I'm a bellend.
- That's better.
Steering failed.
Brakes don't work.
I'm gonna need some stuff.
Mainly Ginsters.
AND egg man, I'm gonna need free cigarettes.
- Just take 'em.
- For life.
- Come on! - He's staring right at me.
I don't care about that.
I want it all over me now! - Oh, all right.
Nearly there.
- Do it, Hotman! Do it! Squirt all over his little face! God! God! Aagh! It's hot! Well, you're either hot or you're not.
Yeah Can you pass me a sock? The lives of 420 workers and residents were saved today by Excelsor, the country's number one costumed hero.
Hey, Hotpants.
Just missed yourself on telly.
- Really? - No.
I gotcha! Brilliant! Alex, you're back.
How was your slag? I mean, dinner.
Both were pretty tasty, actually.
Although the dinner was probably a bit less mental.
Well, there's one news item left to go and you are nowhere.
Still a chance, though.
Fingers crossed for the last item.
Our streets became a safer place tonight thanks to one hotly tipped superhero.
- This is it.
- Earlier tonight in this store, an armed robbery was foiled by Electroclash.
Yes! - When did this happen? - While you were, you know - Knobbing a groupie.
- Right.
To be fair, the shooting wasn't averted.
A couple of gunshot wounds don't count.
Oi! Put me on the board.
Today's turned out OK.
That was just a stupid corner shop.
I saved a news stand.
Alex, don't be such a baby.
Say well done.
- It's not a competition.
- Yes, it is.
Fine.
Well done, Sarah! Seriously good work.
Thanks.
And erm sorry about earlier.
Listen.
I felt bad too.
I got you something.
- The only copy.
- Thanks, Alex.
I appreciate this.
Who's Sandra? - Wrong sex tape! - I know I shouldn't say this, but I did see that coming.