Nobodies (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 - Long line.
- Yeah.
For our triumphant return to the Groundlings Theater.
- I'm excited! - Because it's exciting.
Excuse us, we're not cutting the line.
We're in tonight's show, we're performers.
Sorry, can we just look? 'Cause we're on that poster.
We're "and others"? Really? Why do we need the flames? That's where our pictures could be.
(scoffs) How the hell did we become "the others"? God, now I'm nervous.
Probably 'cause we haven't done improv in two years.
I don't remember how to do improv.
This is gonna be a disaster.
- Hi! - Hey! (all) Hi! (all chattering) - How are you? - Good Aah! (all chattering) - I'm sorry we're late.
- Does anybody Does anybody have any questions about any of these? 'Cause I might add some for time, but for now, this what we - I have a question.
- Yes.
Did you get laid last night? (all exclaiming) Uh, is the answer yes? No, it's not.
Oh, and, Jim, will you do me a favor? When you introduce us, can you just introduce Nat as Oscar-winner Nat Faxon? 'Cause he told me privately that that's the way he wants it.
It's super important to me.
It's not just in private, it's everyday of my life, so Oh, my God, Maya, you were so funny on Fallon.
- Yes.
- Yes.
You were so funny.
Aw, thanks, you guys.
It was really fun.
- Real funny.
- What what are you guys up to? You writing something together or - Yeah.
- Yeah, but it's not like - Yeah.
- It's not We're writing on an animated show.
Nice.
Cool.
For FOX? - Um, Nickelodeon.
- Is that a kids' show? Yeah, yeah.
- Cool.
- Cartoon.
What's it called? - Uh - "The Fartlemans.
" Really? (chuckling) Fart? Like Fartlemans? (Larry) Yes.
Fartlemans.
That's what it's called, yes.
Wait, what if you guys were like, "Yeah, we write on "a show called 'The Fartlemans, ' and it's like a family of farts.
" And it was like, "Mom Fartleman, Dad Fartleman.
" Like, the actual Fartlemans.
No, I think that is Right? - It's a mom and a dad - Wait, no.
You really write on a show called "The Fartlemans"? Oh, yeah.
(laughter) I'm so I'm sorry, oh.
- No, it's - (Rachel) No, no.
Bit gone wrong.
Cut to commercial, but right before (high pitched fart sound) (laughter) You could be like, "Silent but deadly," is, like, the name of the episode.
- We had that one.
- I've never heard of that show.
It's so It's a real show right now? Is is a real show.
Yeah, your kids have seen it, I'm sure.
Nope.
I would know if they've been watching "The Fartlemans.
" On that note, let's do it.
- Let's do it, shall we? Okay.
- (imitates fart) - All right, crew! - Let's fart it up! - The Fartlemans - The Fartlemans The Fartlemans, we're here, there And fartin' all the time "Really, Maya, you've never heard of our show?" You know what I've never heard of, Maya? "Saturday Night Live.
" Well, you have, so Well, a lot of people haven't.
- Um, hey, Jim.
- Yeah.
Have you and Nat ever pitch to someone named Gavin Resic? Yes, a few times.
He's great.
Oh, good.
We're pitching our movie tomorrow.
Oh, nice! So does Melissa say she wants to be in it? Uh, no, we, um, texted her, but we didn't hear - Oof.
Really? - Is that bad? Well, I mean, obviously it's better to go into one of these things saying, "Melissa McCarthy wants to star in it.
" - But, you know.
- Right, right.
This is crazy, where'd all my pictures go? You think they took 'em down 'cause we're not famous? Jim made it very clear, we need Melissa.
What does that mean? (overlapping arguing) - Are you wearing makeup? - Yeah, but you can't tell.
Well, if I couldn't tell, why would I ask if you're wearing makeup? Can you tell that I have powder on my face? (Jim) Maya Rudolph! - Maya! - Maya! (cheering and applause) He is my co-Oscar winner, Nat Faxon.
Yay, he won an Oscar! "Way, Way Back"! He didn't win for that, so (Jim) Stephanie Courtney! And the others, Hugh, Larry, and Rachel! (scattered applause) Hmm.
Guess we don't have last names.
(Jim) All right, we're gonna start with a song improv.
Should I go sleeves up or sleeves down? (Rachel) I don't care.
Okay, before we get into the pitch, we'll say we were in Groundlings together, we're writer-performers, we have this idea.
Right, we should mention "The Heat.
" Why would we mention "The Heat"? 'Cause we could've been in it.
- Why would we - How? 'Cause of Melissa.
We shouldn't talk about Melissa.
We don't have Melissa, Melissa's not here.
Let's not talk about Melissa.
Melissa's off-limits, too.
We should mention Melissa.
Mention her, but don't, like, name drop her.
Yes, yes.
No, casual.
Keep it very casual.
They're gonna love it.
They're gonna buy it in the room.
We're gonna be rich as shit.
Do you have any idea of how you come across? - Very unlikeable.
- Likeable.
Hi, guys, I'm Grace.
I work with Gavin.
(all) Hi.
Sorry, to keep you all waiting.
- No, it's fun.
- Why don't you come on back? - Great.
- What? So how do you guys know each other? Uh, well, we were all in the Groundlings together.
With, uh, Melissa McCarthy.
We were we were all in the same group.
You know Melissa? Oh, we love Melissa, yeah, and her husband Ben.
- Oh, Ben, yeah.
- Yeah, they're so good.
- We know both of them.
- Two of our best friends.
Oh, wow.
We've known them forever, for a long, long time.
- We were in their wedding.
- Yes.
Larry was in it.
I was in it.
- Yes.
- Hugh went to it.
Lot of life memories.
We're like pieces of a puzzle and It's the same thing, and that's what I want you to get.
I mean, I just want you to make sure you're hearing us.
- You know, and just - We do.
- We know Kristen Wiig and - We knew her before.
- Before - Before she was Kristen Wiig, we knew Kristen Wiig.
Wow, okay.
Wow.
And we all could've been in "The Heat.
" Oh.
You were in "The Heat"? I was not in "The Heat.
" Um, we are here because we wrote a script called "Mr.
First Lady.
" Yeah, we read your script, and we loved it.
Yeah, it's so timely.
- You read it? - So, so timely.
I mean, the first male first lady, huh? So funny.
It's very funny.
- Oh, my God.
- Thank you.
How come we haven't met you guys before, you know? What have you been working on? Uh, well, for like the last three and a half years, we've been writing on an half-hour animated show.
Oh, for FOX? Uh ours is on Nickelodeon.
Oh.
I'm sorry, so you write for You write for kids? Yeah, I mean, it's a kids' show, but, you know.
Okay, well, guys, you know You know, it's a fun idea.
But, like I said, fun ideas are sort of dime a dozen, so Well, you didn't say the dime a dozen part, but Look, my point is, we get pitches like this, - um all the time, you know? - Every day.
Without a star attached, it's just, um You know, this is just not a great fit, you know? But it was really nice to meet you guys.
You know, keep working, keep doing what you're doing.
Melissa McCarthy wants to play the president! Oh! Well, you should've led with that, girl.
Girl tell me about it.
(chuckling) - You Wait, wait, wait.
- Yeah.
- You guys, you guys.
- Let's do this again.
- Let's start again.
- Yeah.
That is so interesting.
- Isn't that? - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Um What was your name again? Guys can you not walk so fast? I'm in heels, so - Are you mad at me? - Yes.
Why? I got us another meeting.
That those idiots expect Melissa to be at.
Let me just Hold on, pause, timeout.
You don't need to be so angry.
- Pause, this is a pause sign.
- Okay.
All right, let me just do a 30,000-foot view, okay? Rachel shouldn't have said that.
- Yes, right.
- But she did.
As you're saying it, you're like, "What am I saying? - Why am I saying this?" - I don't like you, Larry.
- I don't like you.
- But there's another side.
- Want to know what it is? - Yes.
It's great what you did, and I thank you, because now we have extra motivation to get Melissa by next week.
Oh, that's right, we didn't have enough motivation before.
That's flipping it, that's Look at this.
- That's insane.
- Oh, my God.
You see that? That's a sign.
Well, it is, it's a It's a billboard sign.
(woman) Skippy, I know you hear me.
(woman) Skippy Fartleman, get down here this instant.
(farting sounds) (chuckling) (farting continues) (laughing) (farting continues) How's it still going? (laughing) How is it still going? (farting sputters) How am I the only one laughing? Was that, like, two people and, uh, a cat? It's a shingle effect.
It's a layering technique I developed.
We put farts on top of each other.
That's amazing, right? (farting sound) That's me, I recorded it for Rachel.
This job I can't do it anymore.
I quit! Well, I can't quit because I'm a single mom with a child, so - Uh, I have two Childs and - Children.
- a mortgage and a wife - Plural of child is children.
who does not work.
Well, maybe you should ask her to work.
Do me a favor, just check your phone, see if Melissa texted back.
Larry, if she texts me, my phone will make a sound.
That's what phones do, they Oh, my God! - She texted.
- What?! Yes, yes! - We got her.
- Melissa did? We got her.
We got her.
- She texted three times.
- We got her, she loves it.
- What is it? What is it? - She loves it.
What'd she write? (mouthing words) Oh, my God, are you not gonna read it out loud? Uh, she says, "Hey, lady, sorry, I'm out of town filming.
" I can't see, I'm visual.
I'm visual, that's how I learn.
Just let her read it.
Read it then, read it! "Hey, lady, sorry I'm out" Are you in the first grade? Is that the pace you go at? "Hey, lady, sorry, I'm out of town filming.
"My days are insane, can't really talk.
"The kids are with me, but Ben's home all by himself.
You should call him.
XOXO.
" - Uh-huh.
- What does that mean? Hugs and kisses.
No, what does it mean, like, what do we do? Oh.
Well, she said call Ben.
We pitch it to him.
So let's talk to Ben.
Let's go to Ben.
- Let's go to Ben.
- No-no-no-no.
I Only one of us goes, 'cause otherwise Ben will feel gang banged.
(snickering) I don't think you mean gang banged.
- You mean gang banged.
- What? That's your That is what you mean.
'Cause that's what it means.
Gang banged, like he's ganged up on.
Yes, she's right.
Stop it.
You two gang bang me all the time.
I'm always feeling gang banged.
Rachel I'm gonna look it up.
(doorbell chimes) - (laughing) Yeah, I know.
- Hi! - Hi! - Oh, I'm sorry.
(whispers) Come on in.
Sorry.
No problem.
Come on in.
Who are you talking to? - Sandy.
- Oh, tell her I said Well, I'll just say.
Sandy, hey, how are you? Say hi to Mike.
No, it's Sandy Bullock.
Sorry.
- Sorry, it's - I thought it was Melissa's mom Sandy.
She thought you were Melissa's mom.
It's my friend Rachel.
Anyway, do you want some wine? - Uh, yes.
- Not not you.
Uh, yes to you.
I will someday you can have some wine.
- I promise she's not crazy.
- Sandy Bullock.
La-Dee-da-Dee-da.
Ohh, I remember that.
Look at us.
We were so young.
I don't know why we're behind this one of Ellen.
'Cause I was friends with her first.
So I'm gonna move it there.
And, Ellen, you're gonna dance your way back there, since you have to dance, that's your thing.
Mooch gets back, I think, on Sunday, and we'll just set it up.
Great, all right.
Bye.
- Ben - Yes? Um, this is very serious.
But I don't know why I'm not friends with Sandra Bullock.
I've got like, you know, like 10,000 reasons why - Oh, really? - Well, just for you.
Just for tonight, just tell me one thing.
Tell me who Sandra Bullock hates.
- No! That's why - She hates somebody.
No, but I'm not gonna answer.
I can't.
Jennifer Aniston? - So, seriously, okay.
- Uh-huh.
What's How are you? What's going on? Good.
So you're not gonna believe this.
Um but Hugh and Larry and I Oh, did you You did the Groundlings show.
- Yeah, we did.
Why? - Yeah.
Rash told me.
- Oh.
- How was it? We were I keep What's that word? Bad.
We were really bad.
It was so It was so painful, I don't - You were not terrible.
- We were.
- Yes, we were terrible.
- I'm sure you were awesome.
I'm sure you guys are always awesome.
- I was actually gonna go.
- Ohh.
I was gonna do it.
Um, but it's been weird for me.
Like, I think people think I can do something more than I can do.
So somebody'll maybe say, "Oh, I have a pilot," or something, or like a movie script.
"Could you produce a movie script or see if, you know, it could get made?" That's tacky.
'Cause even then, sometimes they'll take it a step further, and they'll be like, "Oh, hey, you know, "we have this great thing for Melissa.
- Uh, Ben, will you read it?" - Shut up! That's so gross.
- I mean, what - I don't know.
Literally, what is wrong with people? - What is that? - 'Cause I don't understand.
Uh, this is my will.
What? What are you talking Are you are you okay? I'm fine, and I don't You know what? Now, I'm feeling sad and Well, let's just Let's focus on the now and live in the now.
- (laughing) - And here I am, and you are wondering, probably, why I said that I want to come over and I made it sound like it was super important.
And it's really just because, you know, I need borrow $100,000.
- I'm kidding.
- What? I'm just here because I miss you, and I haven't seen you in forever.
And I feel like, you know, why don't you just start talking.
- (mumbling) - Okay.
(inhales and gulps) Oh, Rach.
(gulping continues) That was so good.
That was really good.
(Larry) So you didn't talk to him about it all? - (Rachel) No, I - Hey, hey.
- Hello! - Hey, Rachel.
Larry Dorf, what's the good word? - Is this for me? - Yes.
- Ooh, thank you.
- That is for you.
Sorry, Pat.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you'd be coming.
Oh, I'll get my own drink.
Okay.
Now that I think about it, uh, this bar, I have a problem with my card 'cause of the strip and, like, the chip or something with the machine.
Do you guys have a tab? - No.
- Larry does.
Open tab.
Thank you, Rachel.
How about we get something mellow? Something on the less expensive side.
Great, thanks, Larry.
Just like a domestic bottled beer.
(whispers) Why did you bring your roommate? I didn't bring him.
He's an adult, he's not a dog.
Well, really quick before he gets back, Rachel chickened out.
- What? - She didn't pitch Ben.
I did not chicken out.
It wasn't the right time.
- What happened? - I think it's a good thing.
- I really do.
- Why? Because I think we need to make this project more enticing before we pitch it to Melissa.
- Oh, my God.
- Now, my idea, if we can attach someone equally famous to play Mr.
First Lady, then Melissa's gonna want to do it.
- That's good! - She'll be asking us to do it.
- That's good.
- So what are we gonna do? Are we gonna drive around town with a Star Map and start blowing people? Well, are we talking, like, Kevin Costner or I didn't think you'd say Kevin Costner.
- God.
- What about Jason Bateman? Right? He was in "Identify Thief" with Melissa.
- Oh, yes.
- Like a known comedy duo.
Oh, that's a great yes! - People love them together.
- Yes, that's a fantastic idea.
They were great.
Did you ever see "Identity Thief"? - They were fantastic.
- You did not see it.
I didn't see it, but people said they loved it, all over town.
- Best movie of the year.
- Great.
That's what they said, best.
Great, so can you call him? - Why would I call him? - Well, don't you have his number? Why would I have his number? Hugh, weren't you in "Arrested Development? Yeah, that was a Justin Bateman show.
I had one line and it was not to "Justin Bateman" whose name is Jason Bateman! - Well, that's the same thing.
- Too loud.
What about Jason Bateman? Nothing.
What is that? That's not a beer, that's not a cheap thing.
- It's Kahlúa.
- Jesus.
Does anyone we know know Jason Bateman? - No! - Someone's got to.
- I know Jason Bateman.
- How? I play pickup basketball with him every Saturday.
How is it you have never mentioned that? I don't know, is it interesting? (Larry) What do we do, just go up to him and ask him? Or do we wait until halftime? Larry, it's pickup basketball, there's no halftime.
Yes.
Let's just feel it out, all right? Yeah.
First, we need to impress him with our game, with our hustle.
Hey, Larry, Larry, please, please.
Let's just be normal, all right? (Larry) Eye on the prize.
Eye on the prize.
Hey, Pat Pat, we're, uh, we're all ready.
Hey, guys, this, uh, Larry and Hugh.
- Hey, Larry.
- Larry.
- Jason.
- Good to meet you.
You already know Hugh, you guys worked on "Arrested Development" together, Hugh said.
- Geez, Pat.
- Oh, yeah? Uh, well, you know, it was all the you the main people and then Pleasure.
Did we work together on the show? Was I in that scene? Uh you were, but it was big group.
And, uh, I was a policeman, but I had to wear my own jeans.
So I think they did they just I think I was in the back.
There was a man kind of in front of me.
Huh! - Well, great to see you again.
- Good to see you, too.
Feed the beast.
That's you? You're the beast? - That's right.
- There you go.
- The best needs to roar.
- All right.
One, two, three, shot! Quick release.
Is that a pass or a shot? We're gonna shoot for teams.
Whoever makes it first three to make it - Here we go.
- Then we'll know who we got.
- No! - Well Let me explain the concept.
We're just gonna First three guys to make a basket are on the same team.
- You got great energy.
- (chuckling) There we go.
Oh, so warm already.
- I can feel your humidity.
- You are great.
You were great in "Identity Thief.
" (groans) I saw it, I saw it.
There it is, that's one, guys.
I saw "Identity Thief" like five times.
- Oh, yeah? - I saw it, it's an awesome movie.
Thank you, I thought it was kind of under-appreciated, right? Hey, Larry, switch.
Why don't we switch? No, I got him, I got him! We're on offense, Larry.
Larry, we're on offense! I'm actually guarding you right now.
All right, just give it to me then.
Hugh and I have this idea for a movie.
- What's that? - It's called Mr.
First Lady.
It's awesome, it's written for you.
- A male first lady? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Good shot.
Are you pitching me a movie right now? Huh? Yeah.
Why don't we wait for a time out? No, it's written for you.
It's great, it's perfect for you.
Love to hear about it after the game.
Let me explain the concept of basketball to you real quick.
- Hey, Lar! Lar! - You're looking for the ball, and you wanna put the ball in the hole.
- Yeah.
- That gets you a point.
Most points wins.
Why don't we switch, Lar? There's an offensive component to the game, okay? (Hugh) Larry, Larry, why don't we switch? He's a piece of work.
Oh, God, you're so sweaty.
Oh, my God, Larry, stop that! - Let's switch, let's switch - No, no.
I'm gonna wake up pregnant in the morning, it's gonna be your pal's problem.
Come on, Larry, cut it out! You son of a bitch.
Larry, stay back! He's a regular guy! No! He's not a regular guy! - That's why we're here! - Good shot.
Here we go, balls out.
Yeah.
Not in my house! Ow! Oh, God! - (groaning) - What? What? - Oh, God! Hoo! - Larry! - Are you all right? - Oh, my God, are you all right? (Jason) Completely gave out, did you see it? Oh, God damn it, Larry! God damn it, God damn it! I didn't do it! I didn't do it! It's not my fault.
I didn't say it was your fault.
Well, it's sort of your fault, I mean, you're the one that said we'd have Melissa for the meeting.
And here we are, and we don't have Melissa for the meeting.
My God, quit gang banging me.
Will you learn what that term means, or don't use it.
Oh, hey, guys.
- Gavin! - Oh, Gavin.
- Darling.
- Hey.
Hey What? Um, look, I am so, so sorry.
But I have to I have to reschedule our meeting, okay? What?! - Ohh no - Okay, all right.
Great.
We're in a little bit of a crisis over here at the moment.
We were about to start shooting this new movie with Jason Bateman, and we just found out that he's in the hospital having knee surgery, so We are sort of scrambling over here, um Knee surgery, really? From that? That's gotta be a preexisting condition.
Larry.
That is terrible.
You know, we'll reschedule and, uh Hey, is Melissa here? Oh Melissa is here.
Um, but she is going to the bathroom right now.
- She's peeing.
- Yeah, she's not going There's nothing wrong with her stomach It's just pee-pee.
She's just using the restroom.
She doesn't have diarrhea or We don't know what she's doing, she's using the bathroom.
- Yeah, it's normal.
- Everyone uses the bathroom.
- Sure.
- Stars are like us.
That's great, guys.
Um, I'm just gonna stay here and wait for her, though.
I got to make a few calls.
But, you know, when she gets out, I'll say hi.
Oh, uh Yeah, uh you wait and - But - we're gonna take off.
I'll be in touch, all right? I got to make a call.
- Thank you so much, Gavin.
- Thank you.
- That's so - That's crazy.
That's amazing.
I guess it's official, no Justin Bateman.
Uh, Jason, and it was official long before this moment.
This is a great thing.
Now we have more time to get Melissa.
It's amazing.
Where the hell is this elevator? God, he's gonna get off the phone soon.
Can we just take the stairs? I don't know where the God damn stairs are.
(whispering) Find the stairs, just (whispering) Go, just go that way.
Get go! Yeah, so what did he say? Jason, who else? Well, I don't know, I mean, it's been It's tough you know, what are we supposed to do about it? - Larry.
Get down here.
- What? What are we doing out there? - Don't yell at me, I'm gonna go up - How is he feeling? - I wanna go up and around.
- No, he should get the surgery - We'll talk about it afterwards.
- Shh! We'll figure something out, I mean, maybe we can shoot some - God damn it.
- Careful.
I don't think this is right.
Wait! Larry! My Go This is not my fault.
Oh, whose fault is it? I don't know.
Melissa? How in the hell is this Melissa's fault? Where did we park? - Lot G.
- Lot G.
Level G, maybe Level G.
Or "J.
" Anybody! How could there be nobody out here? Hello! Level G is what we're looking for! Why don't you write down where we park? Why am I in charge of where we park? - Well, you're not anymore.
- Good.
Great.
(Hugh) There's a parking lot full of cars, there's not a human being anywhere.
(Rachel) Somebody? (Hugh) Anybody!