Norsemen (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
The Homecoming
Listen up, folks! New guys, can I have your Before you say anything, let me alert you to the fact that we haven't been served water for over 12 hours.
That's ridiculous.
You'll get water afterwards.
First some practical information.
Thank you.
We'll be arriving home shortly.
That will be a new experience for you.
None of you have ever been to Norway before.
You have? No, I haven't been here.
But I have relatives up here, so I know the language.
That's lucky.
So we understand each other, then.
Yes, I happen to have an extremely good ear for languages.
- Like top class.
World class.
- That's amazing.
Well, it's time for the ættestup.
Anyone want to go first? Bjørn, you're the oldest.
Maybe you should take the first jump.
Well, if someone else wants to jump, it's OK for me.
Anyone else have the urge? - No, no.
- No, it's fine.
Go ahead.
OK, fine.
If no one wants to jump, I can go.
It's a matter of honor, isn't it? The ættestup is the most honorable thing you can do.
Honor is really important, Bjørn.
Could you move a bit back there, give Bjørn some space? See you on the other side.
See you.
To Valhalla! [thud.]
Wow.
Well, anyway, you can expect to work hard up here.
But you'll have a chance to learn some new things and have some fun too.
And I can almost guarantee that you'll make some new friends.
Excuse me? - Yes, question? - What's the pay like? Is it good? [laughter.]
- It's not paid.
- We won't get paid? Not to complain, but I think the flow of information here on this boat is extremely arbitrary.
And that's totally uncalled for, when we're so crammed together in such a small craft.
I didn't know until yesterday that we were even going to Norway.
So you think the information flow is under par? Yes.
- So here's some information for you.
- Finally! Ow, ow! Did you see that? Did everyone see that? There's something seriously wrong with my nose! - Was that a bit too much? - No, you're the chieftain.
Aren't you supposed to be a little like that when you're in charge? But it's not really me, that fear-based leadership style stuff.
It doesn't feel right.
Can you be my witness? Oddvar, maybe you want to go next? I'm thinking, what's the worst thing that could happen - if I don't do the ættestup? I mean, what's worse than being crushed? I don't know.
I was just ordered to take you up here.
I mean, you're supposed to do the jump and spare your families the burden that is supporting you in your old age.
Yeah, but I'm only 47.
It's I mean, it's not that old.
I'm just going to skip the whole thing.
OK? - Yeah.
I'm not going to jump either.
This is not my kind of thing.
Anyone else want to jump? - Come on, fellas.
I mean - It's just not very tempting.
OK.
I mean, I'm just a slave.
I can't make you do anything you don't want to do.
But, uh Could you just please stay away from Norheim? So people don't understand that you didn't do the ættestup? Of course, no problem.
You'll never see us again.
Great.
Thank you.
Wonderful.
OK, bye! Can't exactly say I'm looking forward to coming home now.
No? My focus has always been on pillaging and ravaging and things like that.
When all the other guys have settled down with wives, kids, farms and stuff.
I'm feeling kind of alone here.
Yeah, but isn't that OK, too? Do as you please.
Do whatever you want.
Without having to plan it three full moons ahead.
I live in a tent.
The only clothes I have are the ones I'm wearing.
I'm starting to feel a little pathetic here We have to do something about that.
A good man like you shouldn't be alone if you don't want to.
You have so much to offer! No, not that much.
- I think I have a plan for that.
- Really? A plan so crazy it might just work.
Wow! [chuckles.]
Oh, it's you.
How did it go? You'll never see those guys again, so I would say it went great.
Good, good.
Orm? What is this? - Hm? - So the rumors are true? That you sent the old people in the village to their death? Well, they took the ættestup.
You finally got the chance to run this village, Orm.
And the result is people are forced to throw themselves to their death because we don't have any food? What kind of leadership is that? Are you pleased with yourself? I think things are starting to fall into place.
- Well I don't.
- Well, then we have to agree to disagree.
Which is something I've decided to start saying.
Chieftain Olav and his men should have been home from their raid over a month ago.
It's very strange that you haven't done anything to get them home.
No, but all that stuff is up to Odin and the gods to decide.
I mean, what am I supposed to do? You could at least have sacrificed some slaves.
Tried to be a little resourceful.
Sacrifice? No, no, no, I don't think that's a good idea.
All that screaming and commotion Your wife is also on that ship.
You must be sick with worry.
No, yes, I am very sick with worry.
For Frøya.
You know, it would be incredibly unfortunate if they didn't return home.
I'd be left with permanent responsibility here and everything.
- Then you'd become chieftain.
- Yes.
- Isn't that your big dream? - No, no.
I'm heir to the throne, but it's not like it's my dream.
No, I wouldn't say that.
Okay, then we'll sacrifice some slaves.
OK? No, I don't think so.
That's pretty much what people are calling for right now.
Are they? We're doing it, Orm.
Yes, well then I will make an executive decision, and say: - That's what we'll do.
- Great.
Come on.
Odin, receive our second sacrifice! [chop.]
[groans.]
Odin, receive our third sacrifice! Bring our men home! - Wait, wait just a second.
- Yes? Not to cock up your plans or anything but, are you 100% certain that it's necessary to sacrifice me? Yes.
I mean, ritual sacrifice isn't a perfect science, but I feel really confident about this one.
Okay, okay.
I just you've sacrificed two slaves already.
You're not worried the gods are gonna think that you're trying too hard? That it's too much? Mm, I really like the way you're thinking.
Don't get me wrong.
I think it's great that you as a slave bother getting involved.
But if you don't mind, I think we'll just move on.
- Oh, okay, of course.
- Yes.
I just thought I'd mention it.
No point in regretting it later.
I mean Sacrifice isn't exactly reversible, but Okay.
[laughs nervously.]
A ship! They're coming! Shhh Thank you, Odin.
Thank you! There you go.
Two sacrifices was enough.
Should make a note of that.
[laughter and commotion.]
Hey, Frøya! You can at least pretend to be happy to see your husband.
This is very embarrassing.
Kind of awkward.
Holy Loki, it's good to see you, brother! Look at you, all tan! - Hi, Orm.
- Hi.
So tell me! Where have you been? What have you done? Any good stories? Any special moments? Lots of special moments.
It wouldn't be fair to all the other moments if you should bring up just one.
Because they were all so awesome.
Oh, wow.
From we got there till we left, it was just a series of one sweet moment after another.
Lots of, you know, internal jokes and You wouldn't get it anyway.
Next time I just have to join you.
My back was a bit But it's much better now.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Much better.
You should be really proud of your wife.
Frøya dove into that pillaging 100%.
Even took part in quite a lot of the raping.
Frøya forced all kinds of monks to let her ride them.
I didn't really expect that.
I was totally blown away when I saw her on top of this monk, moaning and groaning.
Did you do that, Frøya? Of course.
I mean, that's what you do when you pillage.
That was kind of unnecessary, wasn't it? If it's unnecessary? Well, yeah, maybe, but If you joined a raid, you'd understand how the world works.
Yeah.
Speaking of which, are you going to the party tonight? Yeah, sure, aren't we all? How about pounding some down tepid horns of mead at our place first? Well, actually, all of us from the boat kind of agreed to get together before the party.
Pour out some mead for our dead comrades, reminisce and stuff.
Reminisce? You just got home a few moments ago.
We're not going to reminisce about the last moments on the boat, we're gonna reminisce about when we first got there.
The first monastery we pillaged and stuff.
I understand, but it couldn't hurt if I was a fly on the wall, could it? You know, I can even bring my own chair.
because you always say there aren't enough seats.
Yeah, yeah, mm.
- I think It would get very crowded - Yeah.
if people start bringing their own chairs, Orm.
Yes, yes, no, but I understand.
But I can I can, I can stand outside.
You know, and just talk to the guys who go to the toilet.
And stuff like that, that would be OK, wouldn't it? I think maybe I heard someone say: - "3-2-1, no one else can come.
" - Yeah, that was Ragnar.
That's not runed in stone, is it? Stone or not stone, you have to respect it.
Or else it doesn't mean anything.
You know, the whole rhyme would lose its magic.
It's going to be something people just say.
Oh? But, Orm, you know what? We meet up in the great hall afterwards.
- Yeah.
- That's good.
That's really good.
- Afterwards? - Yes.
After? OK OK.
Hello? Just one thing.
Yes? I had a cape with me on the ship.
Er, er, it's more like a cloak, actually.
Just without the buttons all the way down.
But anyway I gave it to one of your colleagues who promised to return it.
When we reached our destination.
So, I don't know maybe you can ask around for me? Or? - Nope.
Come here.
- No? Oh, there he is, there he is! Hi.
He's the one.
I'm the one who lent you my cape.
That's my cape.
This is mine.
- It's yours? - Yeah.
Well isn't that quite a coincidence, if you and I happen use the same tailor in Rome? And have the same family crest? I doubt that quite strongly.
Well, that is the case.
Come on, not even you can believe that.
And you're wearing it all wrong.
It's getting dirty.
You're wearing it like an amateur.
- You don't like dirt? - No.
Who does? [groans.]
[strained grunt.]
- Open your mouth.
- Excuse me? Open your mouth.
Don't bite.
- Whose cape is it? - Yours.
- It's my cape.
- Yes.
[laughs.]
Fast learner.
You're not gonna get away with Hey, you! Hi.
You're new, right? We're gonna be strawmates.
Kark is my name.
I was supposed to be sac [screaming.]
I was supposed to be sacrificed today.
But I got away, so they gave me a branding instead, just so I wouldn't feel too lucky.
OK? - Isn't it amazing? - No.
I'm gonna show you where we're gonna sleep.
We're done, right? Yeah, thanks, thanks.
[chickens clucking.]
Yeah, this is our spot.
Nice and warm among the animals.
- You're kidding, right? - No.
- I'm not sleeping in this pigsty! - What do you mean? This is sweet.
Sweet? What What kind of place are those goddamn inbreds running here? Seriously, you're not going to that pillage reunion, are you? Well of course I am.
Couldn't we take a mead here instead, you know, just the two of us, here, at home? Uh, no.
In Loki's name, what's that around your neck? Oh, this is a monk's necklace.
It's like a trophy I made.
Is that a cock necklace? Mm-hm.
From the monks.
Are those monks giants? These sizes are completely out of proportion.
Can you imagine, you know, getting hard with a tool like that? You'd be in trouble.
Why? Because you'd just drop to the floor.
Your blood would go straight from your head to your tool.
You know, you would pass out completely.
No, usually they don't.
Actually this is quite a standard size, I think.
I have exactly the same tool.
I think I know what a huge penis is.
Those are abnormal.
Yes.
I'm going to go now.
I just feel sorry for those people who have to walk around with dicks like that.
Yes, I'm going.
I feel sorry for them.
What a handicap! Friends.
Brothers.
Warriors.
We're here to celebrate that Odin guided us safely home! - Skål! - Skål! We're also here to celebrate that we found a way West.
To a land that will see to it that we will never again have a lean year.
No matter how poorly the substitute chieftain manages the village while I'm away.
It's time to celebrate! Shame on those who don't get drunk! Yes? - Great party.
- Yeah.
I think my assicle has fallen asleep.
[grunts.]
Those benches in there are so, so hard.
They could at least throw on a few animal skins.
What do you mean? The assicle falls asleep.
The assicle goes numb.
Straight away.
- Assicle? - Assicle.
You don't know what the assicle is? - Nope.
- Assicle.
That little thing that sticks out between the penis and the hole? On the perineum? That little thing that wags when you're excited? What do you call it? - I don't know.
- Well, I call it the assicle.
I don't know if that's the right word, or you know, but I call it that, I've always called it that.
So that's how it's gonna stay.
OK, see you in there.
Of course the horses didn't see the difference between coltsfoot and dandelion.
[chuckles.]
That was quite peculiar.
Olvar.
Liv.
"Milady.
" That's how they greet beautiful women in the West.
Wow.
Impressive.
Welcome back from the raid.
I heard you pillaged well.
Yeah, it was It was really good.
Was there something in particular I could help you with? Yes! Yes, there is one tiny question.
- You still have that farm, don't you? - I do.
Biggest one in Norheim.
And it's still going very well? Oh, it's going good! [chuckles.]
Yes, so that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Because you know I dig you.
I always have and always will.
And I really admire you for what you have accomplished.
Thank you, Arvid.
That's great.
- Skål to Arvid! - Skål! So I thought I'd challenge you to a holmgang.
What? Holmgang?! Yes.
And then the winner can take over the loser's property and wife and stuff.
Because that's how the rules are, isn't it, Olav, Chieftain Olav? That's right.
What you say there is right.
But you don't own anything, Arvid! But that's how the rules are.
And it would be stupid of me not to take advantage of it.
But I built up everything with my own hands, from nothing! Yeah.
And I really respect you for that.
But still I, Arvid, hereby challenge Olvar to a holmgang! [rooster crows.]
[snoring.]
Olvar? Olvar? Olvar? Olvar, are you sitting here hiding? I'm not hiding, I'm just thinking.
You can just forget about hiding.
If you don't show up for the holmgang you'll be deemed a niding.
An outcast.
You'll bring shame on me, indirectly.
It's just that Arvid is so big.
I mean He has been trained to be a warrior ever since he was a baby.
And he has probably killed a thousand men.
I never touched a sword before today.
Blah, blah.
Don't be so insanely defensive.
You can beat him.
It's all in the mind.
It's 99% attitude.
- Is it? - Sure.
If you raise your game 5%, and he lowers his 5%, most of the job is done.
Are the margins that - small? - Sure.
If you also look at the possibility of thinking a little outside the box, anything could happen, right? OK.
Good luck.
See you there.
Yeah.
But, Liv, we We go together.
No, I'm just going with some old friends.
What? What friends? "What? Who?" Some old friends.
OK.
Should I leave the door open? Close it.
Good luck! Olvar.
There you are.
That was in the nick of time.
You wish to exchange coins for poison? Exactly.
I got myself messed up in a holmgang over here.
Give me your sword.
Yeah.
Don't send a sword over tip first.
- Easy child's learning.
- Sorry.
This is the deadliest poison you can find.
One scratch of his skin and he'll be dead in seconds.
OK.
Thank you.
I will be forever in debt to you.
But you gave me money, so Yeah.
It's a figure of speech, isn't it? - Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah.
Bye.
Odin! God of all warriors! Today you will receive a new guest in Valhalla! Can I say something before we begin? Yeah, that's fine.
Olvar will say a few words! Many of you, perhaps most of you, don't believe I stand a chance here today.
And to you I will say this: Little strokes fell great oaks.
That's it? Yeah? Actually, I didn't get it, really.
What I mean to say, Arvid, is that you will regret challenging me to this holmgang.
This is the dumbest thing you've ever done.
Why do you say that? You have a secret weapon or something? This is the last thing I will say to you: The harder you come, the harder you fall.
- Harder you? - Fall! OK, lots of fine words.
Now, let's get ready! May the best man win.
Three.
Two.
One.
Holmgang! Yes! Bull's-eye! Estate owner! Yeah! Awesome! It's you and me then.
All right.
Wow, you're so strong! You think? OK? Yes.
Kiss me.
That's ridiculous.
You'll get water afterwards.
First some practical information.
Thank you.
We'll be arriving home shortly.
That will be a new experience for you.
None of you have ever been to Norway before.
You have? No, I haven't been here.
But I have relatives up here, so I know the language.
That's lucky.
So we understand each other, then.
Yes, I happen to have an extremely good ear for languages.
- Like top class.
World class.
- That's amazing.
Well, it's time for the ættestup.
Anyone want to go first? Bjørn, you're the oldest.
Maybe you should take the first jump.
Well, if someone else wants to jump, it's OK for me.
Anyone else have the urge? - No, no.
- No, it's fine.
Go ahead.
OK, fine.
If no one wants to jump, I can go.
It's a matter of honor, isn't it? The ættestup is the most honorable thing you can do.
Honor is really important, Bjørn.
Could you move a bit back there, give Bjørn some space? See you on the other side.
See you.
To Valhalla! [thud.]
Wow.
Well, anyway, you can expect to work hard up here.
But you'll have a chance to learn some new things and have some fun too.
And I can almost guarantee that you'll make some new friends.
Excuse me? - Yes, question? - What's the pay like? Is it good? [laughter.]
- It's not paid.
- We won't get paid? Not to complain, but I think the flow of information here on this boat is extremely arbitrary.
And that's totally uncalled for, when we're so crammed together in such a small craft.
I didn't know until yesterday that we were even going to Norway.
So you think the information flow is under par? Yes.
- So here's some information for you.
- Finally! Ow, ow! Did you see that? Did everyone see that? There's something seriously wrong with my nose! - Was that a bit too much? - No, you're the chieftain.
Aren't you supposed to be a little like that when you're in charge? But it's not really me, that fear-based leadership style stuff.
It doesn't feel right.
Can you be my witness? Oddvar, maybe you want to go next? I'm thinking, what's the worst thing that could happen - if I don't do the ættestup? I mean, what's worse than being crushed? I don't know.
I was just ordered to take you up here.
I mean, you're supposed to do the jump and spare your families the burden that is supporting you in your old age.
Yeah, but I'm only 47.
It's I mean, it's not that old.
I'm just going to skip the whole thing.
OK? - Yeah.
I'm not going to jump either.
This is not my kind of thing.
Anyone else want to jump? - Come on, fellas.
I mean - It's just not very tempting.
OK.
I mean, I'm just a slave.
I can't make you do anything you don't want to do.
But, uh Could you just please stay away from Norheim? So people don't understand that you didn't do the ættestup? Of course, no problem.
You'll never see us again.
Great.
Thank you.
Wonderful.
OK, bye! Can't exactly say I'm looking forward to coming home now.
No? My focus has always been on pillaging and ravaging and things like that.
When all the other guys have settled down with wives, kids, farms and stuff.
I'm feeling kind of alone here.
Yeah, but isn't that OK, too? Do as you please.
Do whatever you want.
Without having to plan it three full moons ahead.
I live in a tent.
The only clothes I have are the ones I'm wearing.
I'm starting to feel a little pathetic here We have to do something about that.
A good man like you shouldn't be alone if you don't want to.
You have so much to offer! No, not that much.
- I think I have a plan for that.
- Really? A plan so crazy it might just work.
Wow! [chuckles.]
Oh, it's you.
How did it go? You'll never see those guys again, so I would say it went great.
Good, good.
Orm? What is this? - Hm? - So the rumors are true? That you sent the old people in the village to their death? Well, they took the ættestup.
You finally got the chance to run this village, Orm.
And the result is people are forced to throw themselves to their death because we don't have any food? What kind of leadership is that? Are you pleased with yourself? I think things are starting to fall into place.
- Well I don't.
- Well, then we have to agree to disagree.
Which is something I've decided to start saying.
Chieftain Olav and his men should have been home from their raid over a month ago.
It's very strange that you haven't done anything to get them home.
No, but all that stuff is up to Odin and the gods to decide.
I mean, what am I supposed to do? You could at least have sacrificed some slaves.
Tried to be a little resourceful.
Sacrifice? No, no, no, I don't think that's a good idea.
All that screaming and commotion Your wife is also on that ship.
You must be sick with worry.
No, yes, I am very sick with worry.
For Frøya.
You know, it would be incredibly unfortunate if they didn't return home.
I'd be left with permanent responsibility here and everything.
- Then you'd become chieftain.
- Yes.
- Isn't that your big dream? - No, no.
I'm heir to the throne, but it's not like it's my dream.
No, I wouldn't say that.
Okay, then we'll sacrifice some slaves.
OK? No, I don't think so.
That's pretty much what people are calling for right now.
Are they? We're doing it, Orm.
Yes, well then I will make an executive decision, and say: - That's what we'll do.
- Great.
Come on.
Odin, receive our second sacrifice! [chop.]
[groans.]
Odin, receive our third sacrifice! Bring our men home! - Wait, wait just a second.
- Yes? Not to cock up your plans or anything but, are you 100% certain that it's necessary to sacrifice me? Yes.
I mean, ritual sacrifice isn't a perfect science, but I feel really confident about this one.
Okay, okay.
I just you've sacrificed two slaves already.
You're not worried the gods are gonna think that you're trying too hard? That it's too much? Mm, I really like the way you're thinking.
Don't get me wrong.
I think it's great that you as a slave bother getting involved.
But if you don't mind, I think we'll just move on.
- Oh, okay, of course.
- Yes.
I just thought I'd mention it.
No point in regretting it later.
I mean Sacrifice isn't exactly reversible, but Okay.
[laughs nervously.]
A ship! They're coming! Shhh Thank you, Odin.
Thank you! There you go.
Two sacrifices was enough.
Should make a note of that.
[laughter and commotion.]
Hey, Frøya! You can at least pretend to be happy to see your husband.
This is very embarrassing.
Kind of awkward.
Holy Loki, it's good to see you, brother! Look at you, all tan! - Hi, Orm.
- Hi.
So tell me! Where have you been? What have you done? Any good stories? Any special moments? Lots of special moments.
It wouldn't be fair to all the other moments if you should bring up just one.
Because they were all so awesome.
Oh, wow.
From we got there till we left, it was just a series of one sweet moment after another.
Lots of, you know, internal jokes and You wouldn't get it anyway.
Next time I just have to join you.
My back was a bit But it's much better now.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Much better.
You should be really proud of your wife.
Frøya dove into that pillaging 100%.
Even took part in quite a lot of the raping.
Frøya forced all kinds of monks to let her ride them.
I didn't really expect that.
I was totally blown away when I saw her on top of this monk, moaning and groaning.
Did you do that, Frøya? Of course.
I mean, that's what you do when you pillage.
That was kind of unnecessary, wasn't it? If it's unnecessary? Well, yeah, maybe, but If you joined a raid, you'd understand how the world works.
Yeah.
Speaking of which, are you going to the party tonight? Yeah, sure, aren't we all? How about pounding some down tepid horns of mead at our place first? Well, actually, all of us from the boat kind of agreed to get together before the party.
Pour out some mead for our dead comrades, reminisce and stuff.
Reminisce? You just got home a few moments ago.
We're not going to reminisce about the last moments on the boat, we're gonna reminisce about when we first got there.
The first monastery we pillaged and stuff.
I understand, but it couldn't hurt if I was a fly on the wall, could it? You know, I can even bring my own chair.
because you always say there aren't enough seats.
Yeah, yeah, mm.
- I think It would get very crowded - Yeah.
if people start bringing their own chairs, Orm.
Yes, yes, no, but I understand.
But I can I can, I can stand outside.
You know, and just talk to the guys who go to the toilet.
And stuff like that, that would be OK, wouldn't it? I think maybe I heard someone say: - "3-2-1, no one else can come.
" - Yeah, that was Ragnar.
That's not runed in stone, is it? Stone or not stone, you have to respect it.
Or else it doesn't mean anything.
You know, the whole rhyme would lose its magic.
It's going to be something people just say.
Oh? But, Orm, you know what? We meet up in the great hall afterwards.
- Yeah.
- That's good.
That's really good.
- Afterwards? - Yes.
After? OK OK.
Hello? Just one thing.
Yes? I had a cape with me on the ship.
Er, er, it's more like a cloak, actually.
Just without the buttons all the way down.
But anyway I gave it to one of your colleagues who promised to return it.
When we reached our destination.
So, I don't know maybe you can ask around for me? Or? - Nope.
Come here.
- No? Oh, there he is, there he is! Hi.
He's the one.
I'm the one who lent you my cape.
That's my cape.
This is mine.
- It's yours? - Yeah.
Well isn't that quite a coincidence, if you and I happen use the same tailor in Rome? And have the same family crest? I doubt that quite strongly.
Well, that is the case.
Come on, not even you can believe that.
And you're wearing it all wrong.
It's getting dirty.
You're wearing it like an amateur.
- You don't like dirt? - No.
Who does? [groans.]
[strained grunt.]
- Open your mouth.
- Excuse me? Open your mouth.
Don't bite.
- Whose cape is it? - Yours.
- It's my cape.
- Yes.
[laughs.]
Fast learner.
You're not gonna get away with Hey, you! Hi.
You're new, right? We're gonna be strawmates.
Kark is my name.
I was supposed to be sac [screaming.]
I was supposed to be sacrificed today.
But I got away, so they gave me a branding instead, just so I wouldn't feel too lucky.
OK? - Isn't it amazing? - No.
I'm gonna show you where we're gonna sleep.
We're done, right? Yeah, thanks, thanks.
[chickens clucking.]
Yeah, this is our spot.
Nice and warm among the animals.
- You're kidding, right? - No.
- I'm not sleeping in this pigsty! - What do you mean? This is sweet.
Sweet? What What kind of place are those goddamn inbreds running here? Seriously, you're not going to that pillage reunion, are you? Well of course I am.
Couldn't we take a mead here instead, you know, just the two of us, here, at home? Uh, no.
In Loki's name, what's that around your neck? Oh, this is a monk's necklace.
It's like a trophy I made.
Is that a cock necklace? Mm-hm.
From the monks.
Are those monks giants? These sizes are completely out of proportion.
Can you imagine, you know, getting hard with a tool like that? You'd be in trouble.
Why? Because you'd just drop to the floor.
Your blood would go straight from your head to your tool.
You know, you would pass out completely.
No, usually they don't.
Actually this is quite a standard size, I think.
I have exactly the same tool.
I think I know what a huge penis is.
Those are abnormal.
Yes.
I'm going to go now.
I just feel sorry for those people who have to walk around with dicks like that.
Yes, I'm going.
I feel sorry for them.
What a handicap! Friends.
Brothers.
Warriors.
We're here to celebrate that Odin guided us safely home! - Skål! - Skål! We're also here to celebrate that we found a way West.
To a land that will see to it that we will never again have a lean year.
No matter how poorly the substitute chieftain manages the village while I'm away.
It's time to celebrate! Shame on those who don't get drunk! Yes? - Great party.
- Yeah.
I think my assicle has fallen asleep.
[grunts.]
Those benches in there are so, so hard.
They could at least throw on a few animal skins.
What do you mean? The assicle falls asleep.
The assicle goes numb.
Straight away.
- Assicle? - Assicle.
You don't know what the assicle is? - Nope.
- Assicle.
That little thing that sticks out between the penis and the hole? On the perineum? That little thing that wags when you're excited? What do you call it? - I don't know.
- Well, I call it the assicle.
I don't know if that's the right word, or you know, but I call it that, I've always called it that.
So that's how it's gonna stay.
OK, see you in there.
Of course the horses didn't see the difference between coltsfoot and dandelion.
[chuckles.]
That was quite peculiar.
Olvar.
Liv.
"Milady.
" That's how they greet beautiful women in the West.
Wow.
Impressive.
Welcome back from the raid.
I heard you pillaged well.
Yeah, it was It was really good.
Was there something in particular I could help you with? Yes! Yes, there is one tiny question.
- You still have that farm, don't you? - I do.
Biggest one in Norheim.
And it's still going very well? Oh, it's going good! [chuckles.]
Yes, so that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Because you know I dig you.
I always have and always will.
And I really admire you for what you have accomplished.
Thank you, Arvid.
That's great.
- Skål to Arvid! - Skål! So I thought I'd challenge you to a holmgang.
What? Holmgang?! Yes.
And then the winner can take over the loser's property and wife and stuff.
Because that's how the rules are, isn't it, Olav, Chieftain Olav? That's right.
What you say there is right.
But you don't own anything, Arvid! But that's how the rules are.
And it would be stupid of me not to take advantage of it.
But I built up everything with my own hands, from nothing! Yeah.
And I really respect you for that.
But still I, Arvid, hereby challenge Olvar to a holmgang! [rooster crows.]
[snoring.]
Olvar? Olvar? Olvar? Olvar, are you sitting here hiding? I'm not hiding, I'm just thinking.
You can just forget about hiding.
If you don't show up for the holmgang you'll be deemed a niding.
An outcast.
You'll bring shame on me, indirectly.
It's just that Arvid is so big.
I mean He has been trained to be a warrior ever since he was a baby.
And he has probably killed a thousand men.
I never touched a sword before today.
Blah, blah.
Don't be so insanely defensive.
You can beat him.
It's all in the mind.
It's 99% attitude.
- Is it? - Sure.
If you raise your game 5%, and he lowers his 5%, most of the job is done.
Are the margins that - small? - Sure.
If you also look at the possibility of thinking a little outside the box, anything could happen, right? OK.
Good luck.
See you there.
Yeah.
But, Liv, we We go together.
No, I'm just going with some old friends.
What? What friends? "What? Who?" Some old friends.
OK.
Should I leave the door open? Close it.
Good luck! Olvar.
There you are.
That was in the nick of time.
You wish to exchange coins for poison? Exactly.
I got myself messed up in a holmgang over here.
Give me your sword.
Yeah.
Don't send a sword over tip first.
- Easy child's learning.
- Sorry.
This is the deadliest poison you can find.
One scratch of his skin and he'll be dead in seconds.
OK.
Thank you.
I will be forever in debt to you.
But you gave me money, so Yeah.
It's a figure of speech, isn't it? - Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah.
Bye.
Odin! God of all warriors! Today you will receive a new guest in Valhalla! Can I say something before we begin? Yeah, that's fine.
Olvar will say a few words! Many of you, perhaps most of you, don't believe I stand a chance here today.
And to you I will say this: Little strokes fell great oaks.
That's it? Yeah? Actually, I didn't get it, really.
What I mean to say, Arvid, is that you will regret challenging me to this holmgang.
This is the dumbest thing you've ever done.
Why do you say that? You have a secret weapon or something? This is the last thing I will say to you: The harder you come, the harder you fall.
- Harder you? - Fall! OK, lots of fine words.
Now, let's get ready! May the best man win.
Three.
Two.
One.
Holmgang! Yes! Bull's-eye! Estate owner! Yeah! Awesome! It's you and me then.
All right.
Wow, you're so strong! You think? OK? Yes.
Kiss me.