Not Dead Yet (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
NELL: After 15 years as a journalist,
I've learned it's important
to grab the reader's attention
with a catchy headline.
Here's mine "Local
Woman, 37, Ruins Own Life."
Five years ago, Nell Serrano
threw away a promising career
to move to London for a man.
I'm sleeping!
She went all-in on love.
Until it drop-kicked her in the face.
Now she's back, trying to stay hydrated.
But hey, who needs a promising career
- a fairy-tale wedding
- [DOG WHIMPERS]
or clean underwear
when you can wear bathing
suit bottoms. Again.
The good news is the weird
roommate I met on Craigslist
is extremely laid back and
not passive aggressive at all.
Oh, also, he makes me walk his dog.
Unfortunately, he's a shy pooper.
The dog, not the roommate. That's gross.
And all this made me
late for my first day
back at my old job.
But at least I got
the last parking spot,
so things are looking up.
- Oh.
- [CAR ALARM BLARES]
- Oh. Sorry.
- [TRUCK ALARM BLARES]
[ALARMS CONTINUE]
Oh, my
I really gotta clean out this trunk.
More on this ongoing
disaster as it unfolds.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
- You are late.
- Oh.
But I told everyone that your phone
was still set on UK time
and that you were donating blood.
Okay? So, act kinda woozy.
What if I act hungover?
What if I am hungover?
So, I got you a plant
for your first day.
Hey. At my old job?
- Yeah, and some pens for your birthday.
- Oh, 'cause I'm another year older?
Sports section.
- OH.
- MAN: Go long!
No, because I love you, baby.
- Aw.
- No stealing, girls.
You are not the boss of me.
True, but I am the boss of you.
- Ooh.
- Is it weird?
It's weird that either of you
are bosses of anybody, really.
Well, technically, she is the boss
- MAN: Oh!
- of the lifestyle section,
- MAN 2: Sorry!
- so that doesn't really count.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
[AS DENNIS] "I'm Mr. Metro.
I have to edit a six-part series
about the changes in the zoning bylaws."
I'm sorry, don't you have
a meeting to go to about
I want to say sandals.
Look, bitch
Actually, I am late to
a meeting about sandals.
- Oh.
- Ugh.
- Coffee later?
- Yep.
So, what are you gonna put me on?
City beat? Crime beat?
The dead beat.
Oh, my God, you're
putting me on obituaries?
DENNIS: Here's your new office. Ta-da.
Ew.
Yeah, I'm not gonna
lie, this is a closet.
That seems generous.
Look, you gotta jump
back in somewhere, Nell.
Start here. Your first obit.
Monty Waxberg.
A musician you may know
for his most famous jingle,
the "Yummy Yum Bubble Gum" song.
I hated that song as a kid.
Don't judge a person
by their jingle, Nell.
Everyone has a story, and
it's your job to find it.
And don't touch that pipe.
- It'll strip your skin.
- [AIR RELEASES, RUMBLING]
This is on me.
Just give me one sec.
Oh, here, give me that.
Oh! See? This is why I love you.
Still know how to party.
Byow-byow-byow-byow!
No. Your airhorn's broken.
That is because it is a breast pump.
Do you remember when these boobs
were for, like, flashing people?
Now they are for feeding people.
What happened to me?
You became a badass working mom,
- who made two of my favorite little humans.
- [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I should warn you,
Tilly still likes to
wear her flower girl dress
to school every day, in
case that's a trigger.
Way to punch down, Tilly.
So, when you are ready
to talk about Phillip,
I have a bunch of nasty things
I have written in my journal
that I am so excited to share with you.
Eh, I don't want to do that.
You know what I want
to do for my birthday?
I just want to throw
down like we used to
and pretend it's not gonna
take me three days to recover.
- Okay?
- [GIGGLES] Okay!
Oh, God. Oh, no. Hide me.
Oh. Unh-uh. Nope. Hide me. What?
- Oh, hide me.
- What? Why? Where? What? Who?
It's Scotch Tape.
Oh. [SCOFFS]
Yeah, Nell, you can't call
her that anymore, okay?
Lexi is your boss now,
and as crazy as it sounds,
- we have actually become
- I will smack your face.
- work friends.
- What?
We hate her!
I know. I'm so sorry.
The only reason why she has this job
is because her dad owns the
newspaper. And half of Pasadena.
Yeah, I know. She's a
little rich and weird,
and she thinks that Old Navy
is a branch of the military,
but when you are a working mom,
it is hard to meet other working moms.
NELL: What? No.
What about Tina from Metro?
She used to always talk about her kids.
It was sweet.
They were dolls.
Everyone's really worried about Tina.
- Hi.
- Hi, Tina.
What's this?
[GASPS SOFTLY] You shouldn't have.
Mmm.
Let's hope there's no
cherries in this one.
It's caramel. Mmm.
- Did you go to Stanford?
- Yeah.
Why are you eating the chocolates
I got for my girlfriend?
Because it's my birthday
- and I thought you got them for me.
- No.
Gross.
I'm going to San Diego,
without chocolates,
to visit my girlfriend.
So, please remember to walk Arthur
and use compostable poop bags
instead of telling the
dog just to hold it.
And if you raise the heat above 68,
- the Nest will alert me.
- Aye-aye, Captain.
- Do you have any plans for your birthday?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna throw a massive rager,
and I'm thinking of
getting a couple of kegs
and maybe even a reggae band,
and I'm gonna do it right
over there by your Peloton.
No! You can't do it here.
We have an agreement.
Your lease specifically
states that any guests
need to be pre-authorized
- You're joking?
- Obviously, dude.
What, do you have like
Asperger's or something?
- I do.
- You do?
- Oh, my God, I am so sorry I said that.
- I don't.
You thought I had Asperger's?
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] I mean, kind of.
I do.
- All right, have a good weekend.
- [WET LEG'S "WET DREAM" PLAYS]
[♪]
Beam me up ♪
Count me in ♪
Ah, thank you.
Wow. $14 bucks for a cocktail.
You know, back in the day,
we used to make LSD in the bathtub
and give it away for free!
Ah, damn, I miss the '90s.
- Mm.
- Mm.
How come your nose is
buried in your phone?
Ah, honestly?
I was wondering if my
ex-fiance was gonna bother
to wish me a happy birthday,
but so far, he hasn't, so
You know the best way
to get over someone?
- Hmm?
- Get under someone else.
- Awesome. Thank you for your wisdom.
- [DOOR SHUTS]
[GASPS] Hey!
- There she is! My birthday girl!
- Hi!
- Yes!
- Okay, I know you said no presents,
but we stopped by the gas station
and got you a little something.
Aw, you guys.
Condoms and scratchers?
- 'Cause you finna get lucky this year!
- Hey!
And we're gonna have
a great time tonight
no matter who else shows up. So
Who else is coming?
Hi, squirrel friend.
Sorry I'm late.
Well, I hope it's not too weird
that I crashed your birthday.
No. Not at all.
We're co-workers. [CHUCKLES]
Well, not exactly "co".
- Kidding. [LAUGHS]
- [SOFT LAUGHTER]
Although technically, that is accurate.
- I mean, I am your boss.
- Right.
But I just want you to know
that I'm going to strive
to be a different kind of
boss than my father was.
I mean, he was just so
aloof and out of touch,
and if I learned anything
after I broke my back
during the Olympic Dressage trials,
it's that you are only as strong
as the horse you're riding.
- Mm.
- Mm.
And you you are my horse.
Hey, Lexi?
Am I being weird and entitled again?
Yeah, when you referred
to us as your horse.
- See? This is why I need you.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, my gosh, that reminds me.
One weekend during quarantine
when our families podded together
Oh. You guys podded together?
- Yeah.
- We did.
And it was such fun. Oh!
I know a lot of people say
they didn't enjoy the pandemic,
but I really thrived.
Anyway, one night, Sam and I
got into le sauvignon blanc,
and she got really honest with me
about how I can come off to people,
and I'm just very
grateful to have a friend
- like you in my life.
- I got you.
[♪]
[BOTH] Ooh-hoo ♪
Nobody knows it ♪
Nobody knows ♪
- You're okay with her being here, right?
- Totally.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I guess just didn't
realize you guys were, like,
- friends-friends.
- I know.
But it's fine. You just owe me
a do-over, yeah?
- You got it.
- Yes!
Okay, so I got us two
tickets to The Underground
this Saturday night.
It's '80s Prom Night.
I thought I'd wear my wedding dress,
you'd wear your maid-of-honors dress.
Might as well get some use out of it.
I would love to do it.
It's just that Saturday night,
um, I have some plans
- You have plans with Lexi.
- Yeah. I do.
- I do.
- Don't go breaking my heart ♪
LEXI: We almost got it.
It was almost there.
NELL: Whoo! Whoo!
Let's give it up for
Dennis and Scotch Tape!
- Scotch Tape?
- Oh, yeah.
It's just a nickname
we gave you, you know.
Just some little inside
joke between old friends.
SAM: Now, now, slow down.
What? Come on. Nell.
Scotch Tape. Because you're
stuck up. Get it?
We also thought you were Scottish.
You screamed one day, and
it sounded like "Braveheart".
I was like, "Scottish". [LAUGHS]
Come on. You think it's funny, right?
I'm not the only one!
Yeah, totally.
- I'm just gonna get my bag.
- All right.
Another round of drinks!
[♪]
[CONDOM SPUTTERS]
[♪]
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
"If you're reading this,
then the fridge has been open too long."
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Oh, my God.
How did I end up here?
- MAN: Well, it's true.
- Ah! Ah!
You never really know where
life is gonna take you.
Don't you come any
closer. I will kill you.
Don't bother.
I'm already dead.
Are you here to kill me?
Please don't do that.
Please, please don't do that.
No, I am not here to kill you.
My name is Monty Waxberg.
Yummy yum bubble gum ♪
Juicy, juicy fun ♪
Ta-da. C'est moi.
Nope. Nuh-uh.
No. I do not see dead people.
No, no, no, no.
This has just got to be
the chili cheese fries
and the cake and the five cocktails
and maybe the half gummy I ate.
Go easy there, Keith Richards.
You cannot comment
because you are not real.
So, I I'm just gonna
I'm gonna go to my room,
and I'm gonna lock the door,
and I'm gonna put a bunch of
heavy boxes in front of it.
You know, not because I
think that you're real,
but just because, uh
um, I need the cardio.
And when I wake up in the morning,
you are gonna be gone!
Goodnight!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[♪]
[GROANS SLEEPILY]
- Mornin'!
- Ah! [SQUEALS]
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [VACUUM TURNS ON/OFF]
Stay back. How did you get
past the boxes?
I have no idea.
I've never been dead before.
Also, I haven't had to pee since I died,
which frees up a lot of time.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- [GASPS]
- Company.
- Come in.
Are you okay?
I just got home, and I heard you scream.
[SOFTLY] No.
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- Good.
Will you clean the living room, please?
- Because it's filled with condoms.
- Duh. Yeah.
- What do you think I got this is for?
- [VACUUM TURNS ON/OFF]
Okay, nice.
Fun fact you're the only
one that can see me.
- No!
- Yep.
- No, no! No!
- [VACUUM TURNS ON/OFF]
This What is happening?
This is not happening.
[SOBBING] Oh, my God.
I know I've been sad lately,
and maybe even a little
depressed, you know?
And I haven't really been
taking good care of myself.
Maybe I just need to do more exercise.
Oh, okay. Why don't
we go for a bike ride?
No, thank you.
I need some air. [CLEARS THROAT]
[♪]
- NELL: Hey, Siri, text Sam.
- [BEEPS]
"Sorry I got over-served last night.
Can, uh, we grab a cup of coffee later?"
You don't want to eat here.
- Two words Cock. Roaches.
- No!
[♪]
Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Nell! Get out of the car!
- [GASPS]
This is the guy that killed me!
- What?
- Just kidding.
It was prostate cancer.
[♪]
Stop following me!
Oh, God. Enough.
What do I have to do
to get you to leave?
I don't know.
I have no idea why I'm here.
No rules, no instructions.
It's very poorly run.
Okay, I've seen the movies.
There's gotta be some
magic words that I can say
to get you to move on.
Ooh, like, um
"I absolve you of your messed-up life."
"Go to the light, Carol Anne!"
- My messed up life?
- Yes. Your messed up life.
I don't know if you remember,
but I've been writing about you,
and you're a dead,
twice-divorced, wannabe musician
who wrote one jingle that
made me hate bubble gum.
Uh-huh. And what about you?
I've been around you for about 24 hours,
and I can tell, you're no prize.
You drink too much,
you're jealous of other
people's happiness,
and you literally just run away
from any difficulty in your life.
I'm not doing this.
I'm not getting psychoanalyzed
by some dead person.
See? You're running away.
- I am n No.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
No. Ah. Great. Thank you.
I just missed Sam's call. [SCOFFS]
SAM: Hey, I got your text.
Last night got a little out of hand.
I mean, I know it was funny
how we used to not like Lexi,
but she's been a great friend
to me while you've been gone.
She is also the boss, so if I were you,
I would think about apologizing.
Anyway, I guess we'll talk later.
So, what are you gonna do now?
[♪]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
What?
Well, this is, um,
quite the office, Lexi.
- Whoa.
- Ah.
Yes, that's the horse
that bucked me Todd.
- I keep it as a reminder of my failures.
- Wow.
So, what can I do for you?
I wanted to drop off
some apology donuts.
Last night, I wasn't at my best,
- and I wanted to say I'm sorry,
- [CLEARS THROAT]
and I promise to be more
professional from now on.
Did you steal these from the break room?
No. Why?
Several have bites taken out of them,
and it says "break room" on the box.
Then, yes, I did.
Okay. Uh, sorry. Bye.
That was a pretty half-assed apology.
I mean, obviously, you have something
you'd like to say to me.
So, be a reporter.
Give me the full story.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I have an idea.
Let's take 30 seconds
and tell the other person
exactly what we think of
them with no repercussions.
Huh? I'll go first.
- I think you are a sloppy drunk.
- Oh, wow.
You're just gonna go right in there.
Well, I think your relationship
with your horse is inappropriate.
I think that shirt looks like
it was bought from Wet Seal.
I took the bites out of those donuts.
You still work in newspapers.
You work in newspapers.
I knew you didn't want
me at your birthday party,
but I invited myself anyway.
I don't think you're good
enough to be friends with Sam.
When Dennis asked me
to hire you, I said no.
You gave up a promising
career to chase after some guy,
and when it doesn't work out,
I'm supposed to pick up the pieces?
I only changed my mind when Sam
told me you were in a sad spot
and really needed to catch a break.
I hired you for her.
But I am your boss, and
if you don't perform,
you will be the first to go,
and it won't matter
who you're friends with.
Okay, good to know.
I really don't think that's
a fun game, by the way.
Oh, it's a lot better if
you're playing with your family.
[♪]
- Are you here?
- Yep.
Oh.
I keep closing my eyes
and hoping when I open them,
I'll be in Madrid.
- Oh, no. What's with the face?
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
For some dumb reason,
I thought that I would just
come back home and pick
back up where I left off,
but everything's changed
and I feel really
disconnected from everyone.
[SIGHS] [EXHALES DEEPLY]
So, what do we do then?
Just sit here and feel sorry for you
for the rest of eternity? Hmm?
Am I in Hell?
- If you're with me, probably.
- Oh, my God.
You know, I can't listen
to any more of your whining.
I'm either gonna smother
you with that pillow
or we're going out.
[MUFFLED] Smother me.
[♪]
[SIGHS]
[♪]
This is so dumb.
What are we doing here?
I mean, [SCOFFS] are we
gonna split a bruschetta?
[CHUCKLES] You know, you don't
need those things.
I feel like everyone is staring at me,
wondering [SCOFFS] what's wrong with me
and why I'm all alone in
such a beautiful place.
Let me tell you something.
I was prodigy on the piano.
I moved to California
in the Summer of Love,
and I was gonna make incredible music.
And I ended up writing
- Yummy Yum ♪
- Oh, no singing.
I know. It's embarrassing.
Because I wanted so much more.
So, I got angry,
and I pushed people away.
And eventually, I
climbed out of my own ass
and realized that there
were people all around me
- living their lives
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
not caring about what
life should be,
but about what it is.
And when I got that, everything changed.
I mean, look at that woman over there.
She's not self-conscious.
Just enjoying life as
it's happening right now.
- You don't have to do this.
- Do what?
Ghost-of-Christmas-Future
me into thinking
that if I don't change my ways,
I'm gonna end up alone
and all dressed up,
wearing some ugly turquoise necklace.
Or maybe you wear it
because your husband
bought it for you in
Spain for your anniversary.
[♪]
- Is that your wife?
- Yes, it is.
Oh, my God.
[♪]
[VOICE BREAKING] I'm so sorry.
I ju I I just can't seem
to get out of my own way.
I'm a mess.
- Yeah, you are.
- Thanks.
- You know why it's okay?
- Hmm?
'Cause so was I before I met Cricket.
God, I wish I could tell her
once more how beautiful she is.
[♪]
[NORMAL VOICE] Okay.
[♪]
Excuse me. I hope this isn't too weird,
but I just thought
someone should tell you
how beautiful you look tonight.
Well, isn't that a kick? Thank you.
And I really love your necklace.
My husband gave it to me.
It's a little gaudy, but
it makes me think of him.
You know, this is this is
really out of character for me,
but would it be the strangest thing
if I asked to join you
for a glass of wine?
Only if it's tequila. [GIGGLES]
- I'm Nell.
- I'm Cricket.
[♪]
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Come in.
- Hey.
- I got more poop bags for Arthur's business
- so you're always ready.
- Thank you.
Is there something else?
Technically, it's not
called Asperger's anymore.
It's called "Autism Spectrum Disorder."
It means a lot of different things
to a lot of different
people, but for me,
it means I need structure and routine.
There's a right way to do things,
and there's a wrong way to do things.
And there's not much in-between.
- Like the poop bags.
- Yeah. Kinda.
But I'm an environmental lawyer,
so that's just being responsible.
- The world's on fire right now.
- Right.
Also I know at times I could be
difficult to live with.
Or so I've been told.
So have I.
- So, maybe we're a good match.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Well, have a nice day.
Made a wrong turn ♪
- Once or twice ♪
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
What are the markers
of a life well lived?
We try to describe people's
lives in one sentence.
"She was a successful journalist."
"He was an old friend and a new boss."
"She was a working mom."
It's too many kisses! [BLOWING KISSES]
"He was the Yummy Yum Bubble Gum guy."
But the truth is,
there isn't one sentence
that can describe a life.
No, I know that we're not
where we're supposed to be,
but I I have a plan.
It's just taking a
little bit longer than
Because life is complicated.
Thanks, Dad.
And people aren't always
who we think they are.
The real truth is, we're
all a work in progress,
and so are our relationships
the old ones we're trying to keep
Byow-byow-byow!
and sometimes,
if we're lucky,
it's the new ones that
take us by surprise.
CRICKET: Hey! [GIGGLES]
Are you ready to rock our faces off?
- Sure am.
- Come on, girl.
- I can tell you about the '80s, now.
- Oh. Please.
"And since, as Monty Waxberg believed,
you never really know where
life is going to take you,
so just open up your heart
along the way and listen.
Everyone has a story if
you just take the time
to find out what it is."
I would tell you this is really good,
but then you'd just
want to start a union,
so instead, I'm just gonna
upload it to publication.
- Okay.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Don't let those nice words
go to your head, old man.
I'm just trying to keep this job.
Didn't even say goodbye.
What a jerk.
Hey, I just e-mailed you
your next assignment
a woman who ran a successful
Dim Sum restaurant in Chinatown.
- On it.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hi.
- Oh. [SIGHS]
I'm gonna be honest because I'm dead.
Your natural deodorant doesn't work.
And why aren't you married?
Time's ticking.