Not Safe for Work (UK) (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Have you lost weight? No.
Have you? Er, maybe.
Yeah, gym, sorry.
Oh.
How's, er, Sevenoaks? Heaven, actually.
Well, that's what people say.
- How's, er? - My flat share with eight other people? - Yeah.
- Yeah, er loud, but cheap.
Well, this is the most expensive place we've ever been to.
Well, I finally got promoted.
Heather's happy.
I fucking bet! Yeah, she'll be even happier once you've, er I've marked where you need to sign.
This is like marking my own exam.
I've definitely failed.
- How's work? - It's good, actually.
You'll be running that place soon.
Oh, not quite, but I'm not really Oh.
Did you have to name him in this? Not legally, no, but Heather thought it would be best for clarity.
And would Heather like me to add a charcoal sketch of me sucking him off by a big fucking wheelie bin? No, I don't think the judge needs to see that level of detail.
Maybe you could just sign it.
We should get a bottle in to celebrate.
It's a bit late.
Heather gets upset if I Show any independence of mind or spirit? Yeah.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA Well divorced! Couldn't have done it without you.
Hey.
Thanks.
Nice weekend? Mmm.
Er, got divorced, then pissed alone.
Brilliant.
What's up? I've been sent a welcome pack for my new job, even though I'm in the middle of a four-year posting that, um I'm really actually quite enjoying.
Ah, yes.
You're joining the exodus.
- The? - To Northampton.
Not Northampton, Northampton? Yes.
So good they named it.
But that's for all the I mean, that's where we're sending all the fucking People who want to embrace a new development opportunity, in the context of much-needed cost-cutting measures, moving stuff away from London? Absolutely.
You're sending me to the Immigration Pathway team? Mmm.
Their remit is to develop Government policy - in relation to immigrant persons.
- Immigrants? Yes, those.
Thank you.
So aiding plucky new arrivals to UK PLC, etc.
It's all very endeavourous.
Yeah, I wrote the paper that recommended they were set up.
Did you? Oh, well, excellent.
Mmm.
Yeah it would be, but it got horribly politicised, everyone ignored all my ideas, then kicked it out to the regions to become a dumping ground for the worst staff from every team.
Like evolution, in reverse.
Like Australia, but not as racist.
OK, well, whatever your, er, assessment, it's your new home, Katherine.
We'll provide accommodation for the first month or so, if you don't fancy the daily commute.
I'm almost jealous.
Almost.
But is there not? - I mean, have I not got any? - No.
So should I not have been given a lot more warning about this? Yes.
Fuck! Well, perhaps.
Who can say? MUSIC: Let England Shake by PJ Harvey The West's asleep Let England shake Weighted down With silent dead I fear our blood Won't rise again Won't rise again Fuck! CAR LOCK BEEPS Ow! Ow! - Oi! - Oh, sorry.
Sorry, I forgot.
Sleep all right? Brilliant! Power nap, was it? Exactly.
I feel very powerful.
How was your ketamine? - Is this a real road, Angela? - Yes, mate.
- Cool.
You're meant to go at the green ones.
- I know.
- What you doing, then? - Driving! You're meant to stop at the red one as well.
I thought you was gonna drop me off at mine? Yeah I meant to but I need a wee.
OK.
Well, I think I might just sleep here for a bit, then, - if that's all right? - Course.
Ah! FOOTSTEPS APPROACH Ooh! You're keen, boss.
Am I? Yeah, I'm usually the first person in.
"Here comes Early Worm Jenny!" That's what they say.
Or they don't, cos they're not here yet, but they would, - if they were here.
- I was here first.
Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm saying.
No, no.
That's what I'm saying.
OK, boss.
Whatever you're saying.
- You coming in, then? - Always.
OK.
Yes? Hey, Dan kak.
Can I ask you something? Yeah.
Two secs, mate.
I just, I just have to - Oh! I'm nearly done.
- Right.
I just have to get this, like, finished first.
Course, yeah.
No rush.
Sure it's important.
It is, yeah.
Brilliant! Yes.
So how can I facilitate you out, mate? Er, it was just an idea I had for my speech, that's all.
- What speech? - The speech for the Minister next week.
- What? - Where we announce all our policy plans? You asked me to prepare a little introductory presentation to kick it all off.
Well, I suggested it to you and you sort of nodded, I think.
That is what you want me to do? - Yeah, totally.
Fuck it.
- OK.
Great.
So, yeah, I was just wondering if you knew - if the Koran -- the Holy Koran - Thank you.
Peace be upon it.
I wondered if you knew if it had a policy on multiculturalism? Of course I know that, yeah, yeah.
Sit your, sit your face down and I'll tell you that.
- The Koran is very holistic, basically.
- Is it? Yeah, it's totally holistic, yeah.
All of it is, yeah.
Right, but how, specifically? Are there any hadiths, for example, that you think might be appropriate? Yeah, there are many vadiths on that, I think, yeah.
Vadiths? Sorry, I thought it was hadiths, for the sayings of the Prophet? Have I got that wrong? Shit! Sorry, shoot.
It's just that I've written it in this draft of the presentation I thought it checked out.
No, you haven't got that wrong.
No.
Words are just words, Nathaniel.
In the eyes of those above us.
I hadn't really thought about it like that.
Wow! OK, right Ah yeah.
Yeah.
So does that help? - Completely, yeah.
Thank you.
- Yeah, no worries, mate.
You just just write it from your heart.
Yeah, I will.
And from your desk.
Who's your manager? Er, that'll be Dan nyak.
Oh, fuck it! Thank you.
Oh, fuck! Fucking close! Oh, shitty motherfucker fuck! Katherine.
Danny! You're now my .
.
manager.
How is that possible? Well, you know what I say, Katherine -- work hard or go home.
- Is that what you say, Danny? - Sometimes.
Well, then why haven't you gone home? Because when I was managing you, in London, it was all I could do to move you out here with all the fuckwits and Why did that woman call you Dan-ak? Dunno.
Banter? Right.
Honestly how have you jumped so many pay grades, in, like, 18 months? Skill.
Hard work.
And .
.
integ integrity.
That doesn't sound like you.
- Doesn't mean that's not happened, though, does it? - No.
But it is still deeply, massively unlikely.
Well, maybe I'm deeply, massively unlike the me that was me when you knew me then.
You look and sound pretty fucking similar, Danny.
There's a spare desk by that woman Jenny.
- Apparently I'm here.
- Are you? Brilliant! Yay! Yeah.
Why is no-one else sat near you? I don't know.
It's probably just a coinkydink.
So you down from London? Up from, yeah.
What's it like? I'm sorry, London? You've never been? No.
I was recruited locally.
Northampton born and bred.
I always say that if you cut me open, you'd find, like, a stick of rock inside me.
And then if you took that out and then cut that open -- the stick of rock -- you'd find, like, "Northampton" all the way through.
I always say that.
Which is funny, because Northampton is actually the place in the country that is most equidistant to the coastline.
It's right there in the middleypops, so it's actually the last place that you would find a stick of rock.
Unless it was, like, imported or bought back from holiday or posted, so yeah, no, I've never been to London.
KATHERINE LAUGHS THROUGH GRITTED TEETH - Do I HAVE to sit next to her? - No, fuck the bitch.
- I'm just gonna - Okey-dokey.
- Is this seat free? - Yeah.
Have you ever been to London? I was born there.
(Perfect.
) Hey! Hey! What? I didn't know you were here.
What, in the in the cupboard? - Northampton.
- Oh, yeah.
Ah, well, I only found out they were sending me here a few months ago.
Soon after we last, er Yeah, yeah.
I I meant to call you.
Or email.
Or visit your floor.
It's all right if you didn't really want to.
- Oh, yeah, and you're famous now.
- How? You're cited in my divorce papers.
Congrats.
Shit! Sorry.
Um - Bit late for that.
- Yeah, yeah.
Will I have to go to court? No.
No, I'm not contesting it.
The wheelie bin incident alone was enough to Yeah.
Er, well, welcome to Northampton, then.
Woo! - So - Well, that was - Sorry.
- Sorry.
Whoa! What? Um I've actually .
.
missed you.
Can I say something? Yeah, please.
I think maybe I've I think that I haven't really What? .
.
got enough staples.
I should get some.
While I'm in here.
Yeah.
Are you here to check up on us? Er, no.
Human Resources has been restructured, apparently.
Outsourced.
I've been outsourced.
They've outsourced Jeffries.
Well Welcome to the exodus, then, I suppose? Yes.
Yes.
This is Lucinda Jeffries from London.
- Do you want a tea, or? - Do you want some tea, or? - Are you Danak? - Sort of, yeah.
Well, I'm supposedly here as an extra pair of hands to help woman the rigging.
She's an extra layer of management above you, Danny.
- Shit! - That's good, isn't it? - Aces.
And perfect timing, I suppose.
Well, you must have everything ready, steady to go success-ahoy for your presentation for the Minister next week? Unless something's gone horribly wrong somewhere.
It's not horrible.
At all.
No.
OK, well, er could you send me a copy of all the presentations and briefing packs that you've put together? That'd be lovely.
And very completely necessary.
OK? Or no? You're very quiet, Danny.
I'm not.
I'm loud.
Is something wrong? He's probably just excited about .
.
sharing everything he's done with you.
It will be a great opportunity to show all the hard work, skill and integrity he's no doubt brought to the job.
Won't it, Danny? HE SNIFFS AND CHOKES Is this desk free at all? - Um, are you from London? - Yes.
Then I don't think you're actually allowed to sit there.
Are you sure? That sounds slightly odd.
Yeah, I know, but it's what I'm hearing, though, so OK.
Well, rules are rules.
What you up to, newbs? Er, yeah, um I've just gone through the shared work folders, read everything you've been working on recently.
- Yeah? What do you think? - I don't think you want me to say.
I do.
Did you read my presentation, though? There's a current draft in there.
Also a few draft reports I've written recently.
Pretty happy with them.
Yeah.
I read those, yeah.
Do I not really wanna hear what you think about them either? Does Danny do any work here? - Yeah! - Like what? Um He can be a good, like, sounding board sometimes.
When he's awake.
Or not at the mosque.
What? I'm not sure I'll be home tonight, Matthew.
I'm sorry.
Well, you could cook your own or order in.
Don't swear at me, please.
I'm not I'm not OK, well, how about I just order something in for you, then, from the online avenues? I'm not a massive cunt.
I'm not.
And repeating it isn't going I don't know what that means.
Or that.
What about Thai food? You like that, don't you? Or is it Malay? Er, sorry, have you seen Dan.
.
ik anywhere? I need to have a quick word with him about these reports.
Non, je n'ai pas, Katherine.
Right.
Though he has yet to send me all the documents I asked for, so if you do find him, give him a little nudge from Jeffries, yes? Yeah, all right.
No, I will.
Thank you.
If I can track him down, that is.
Actually, also, do you have any children at all? Um, no.
Oh.
Oh, lucky you.
And did you go to university at all? Enjoy it? Yes, I did actually.
A lot.
But I really Would you like to talk to my son, Matthew? Tell him about it.
How much you did enjoy it.
He's I'll dial.
He's 20 this March.
I think that might be a bit weird, Jeffries.
Oh? OK.
Understood.
Over and out.
You all right? Yes.
I'm very fine and dandy.
Dandy and fine.
Both.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
But yes.
Hi.
Have you seen Danny ak? Right, well, he's supposed to be getting the presentation documents together for Jeffries and she's pretty keen to He went home ages ago, didn't he? Possibly.
Is he deliberately trying to fuck this place up? No! No, I'm sure it's just an accident.
- Great.
- Are you leaving? No! No.
Because, you know, aside from the fact that I've got a pretty massive student loan and some horrendous credit card debts, I do actually love my job and think this place could be pretty effective if it was run by someone with even an arsehole's worth of brain cells.
So I'm not sure I could live with myself if I just walked away now, you know? I just meant for the day.
Are you leaving for the day? Right.
Yeah, I might.
Sorry.
Cool.
(Um) Hey! Are you gonna lower it or? I can't.
Electrics -- fucked.
- Well, I could get in the door? - Er I thought maybe we could go for a drink.
Odd fucking day.
- No.
- No? - No.
- Why not? - Have you ever seen Alien? - Yeah.
Well, er, every time we sleep together, afterwards, I feel like John Hurt in the dinner scene.
Or the android in Aliens that gets torn in half.
Or the dog in Alien 3 that gets burst -- inside out.
Yeah.
And then, every time I try to tell you how much you've hurt me John Hurt you? Yeah, every time I try to tell you how much you've .
.
John Hurt me, you make a joke about it.
Like that.
Or you change the subject.
Or just, like, ignore me for months.
I just thought we could go for a drink.
That's all.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
You always say that as well.
Look, Anthony, I don't see What? I just think when two people are Katherine, just for once, just say something true and honest.
Something you actually, genuinely fucking mean.
OK? OK.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
OK.
I think I'm going to get the bus.
How was the mosque? Oh, did they not have any Calippos? Why does everyone think you're a Muslim, Danny? Dunno.
And that you're called Danny-something-ak, which no-one knows how to pronounce properly but they're all too embarrassed to ask you about, because even you keep pronouncing it differently? They had a big push, yeah, for, like, minorities to go on all the management training shit and there was this one woman on the panel who thought I was an Islam as well, you know, like a two for one, and I didn't wanna be rude or anything, so I just - Lied extensively? - Only to people.
Fuck me! So, what are you -- Sunni or Shia? Bit of both? You won't tell no-one, Katherine? Honestly, Danny, I think that might be the least of your problems at the minute.
- Because of climate change? - No.
No, because Can you explain to me exactly what the Immigration Pathway does? It's very holistic, basically.
No.
No, it's supposed to help people who come to this country but are falling through the cracks, because none of the various fucking government departments that should be there to help them talk to each other or integrate properly.
Which is its own massive fucking irony, so So this place could be genuinely .
.
important in coming up with policy to fix all that, right? But, er, one of the reports I just read -- not the worst one -- recommends that immigrants are bought BOTH: .
.
basic camping equipment.
"Because camping is very English "and it might help to aid integration.
" So, you know, apparently, at a time of major fucking global austerity, we should be investing in tents and roll mats on an industrial fucking scale.
I mean, I expected you to have messed up here, Danny, but I think you may have genuinely outclassed yourself this time.
You dozy, fucking, shitty .
.
clown! - You're cut.
- What? - Hold that.
No, it's It's just They've been looking for an excuse to shut this place down for ages, Danny, and I think you're gonna give it to them.
- So what should I do? - Pray? - Apart from that? - It's too late.
- It's never too late.
- Yes, it is.
You're gonna need, like, a miracle or a stroke of genius, - neither of which -- no offence -- is gonna happen.
- It could happen.
It could, if, if, if .
.
if you, like, help me out a bit? Yeah, maybe, I could, but honestly? Sometimes you're just fucked.
And alone.
And doomed.
You know? But we'll see.
SHE GROANS Who's that? It's, er, my PA.
You all right, Angela? Do you want a lift or anything? No.
No, I think I'm OK.
Um hello? I am here! It's Jeffries.
No? London is balls.
TOILET FLUSHES I I thought this was a one-bedroom? Yeah, no, it is.
The office must have forgotten I was still here.
Sillies! But it's OK -- the sofa pulls out.
It's meant to.
But I thought this was for the people still settling in, down from -- up from -- London.
Until they find somewhere more, you know, permanent? Yeah.
No, I've had some issues.
But don't worry, I am a tip-top room-mate.
My husband thought so.
For a while.
Are you divorced? Yeah.
Me too.
Soon.
Oh, my God, snap! Well, that's great.
We can sit together in our jim-jams and eat ice cream and talk about well-fit fellas.
Oh, fuck! Sorry, what? DOOR OPENS I said fuck! - We need to, like, sack one person.
- They wouldn't do that.
They sort of, like, totally would, though.
- What exactly do you think you add? - Class? - You can be a tad brusque.
- Brusque? Don't be shitty.
I'm just Proving how much of an epic fucking bell-end you are.
- I'm not in trouble or anything? - What does trouble even mean, Jenny? - Oh! - Curt.
Blunt.
Terse.
Coarse.
Yeah, I know what it fucking means.