Nurse Jackie s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Let us go then, you and I When the evening is spread out against the sky Like a patient etherised upon a table T.
S.
Eliot, 10th grade English, Sister Jane de Chanteau.
What a champ.
She told me that the people with the greatest capacity for good are the ones with the greatest capacity for evil.
Smart fucking nun.
All right, I got one for you.
What do you call a nurse with a bad back? Unemployed.
One left.
That sucks.
Sixteen grains.
No more, no less.
Just a little bump to get me up and running.
Blue team, ambulance No, no, St.
Barts.
Four hours, door-to-door.
Book it.
Trust me, you won't regret it.
We good? All right, I gotta go.
Hey, champ.
Head struck, open tib-fib.
Pulse is weak and thready.
Does that hurt? How about that? Why don't you let me do that? How you doing, Peter? You hanging in there? - It's all good.
- No pain? - Nope.
- Can you show me two fingers? Peter? Two fingers? Hey, doc, you should get an iPhone.
You think so? Let's get Raj from Ortho down here.
Watch the light, hon.
Blood in the ear.
Let's check for glucose.
Rule out CSF, all right? This guy needs a scan.
Hey, I know what I'm doing.
Jesus, bossy.
- That leg's fucked up.
- Ortho, seriously? He's got a bleed, I'm telling you right now.
He's totally lucid, 100 percent.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? See? What'd I tell you? Let's get some film on that leg.
We're gonna fix you up real good, chief.
Acute subdural hematoma.
The brain puffs up so fast it rips the blood vessels and you bleed to death inside your skull.
Twenty-seven-year-old bike messenger.
Yeah, of course he's a donor.
Of course I have the family's consent.
Jesus Christ, you people.
You have four minutes to get a transplant team to the place.
Yeah, three minutes and counting, okay? Hang up the phone and drive.
Gosh, you should not have died, Peter Michael Donovan.
It may have been a shame, but it will not be a waste.
That I promise.
- My son was an organ donor? - He was.
Fucking bleeding heart.
Give it all away, Petey.
What the fuck with the language? Look at where you are.
- Jesus.
- Blow me.
All right.
Where's the bike? I'm sorry? He's our brother.
He broke his leg and died and you wanna know where that bike is? - He didn't die from the leg injury.
- That bike was like 3 grand.
Yeah, I wanna know where it is.
- What, you want Beth to have it? - Fuck Beth.
Beth is the girlfriend.
Oh, I see.
We worked 9/11.
And not a scratch on us.
Petey's job is to ride a bike.
And he gets killed.
Seriously, you don't know where the bike is? Jackie.
Chocolate milk.
- Dr.
Cooper.
- Coop.
Call me Coop.
Dr.
Cooper.
Nurse Jackie.
So, what's up? What can I do for you? What you can do for me is this.
You can stay the fuck out of my way, that's what you can do for me.
- You need to use the sink? - No.
What I need is for you to know that I know you.
I have seen hundreds of you jerkoffs blow through these doors.
You graduated what, the top 10, top 5 percent of your class, right? Test scores through the roof but a total fucking retard when it comes to actual patients.
I know you.
I had to look that kid's mother in the eye and tell her we did everything we could.
That was my patient.
I told you he was slipping, and he was.
If I tell you to order a scan, order a scan.
If you don't do it, I'll go to the next doctor.
And the next doctor after that.
In the meantime, that kid died.
And it is all on you.
Is this happening, not happening? I can't even tell.
Oh, shit.
Oh, crap, l I'm so sorry.
Oh, God, l No.
When I get nervous, I act out with inappropriate sexual touches.
It's like Tourette's.
It's It's over, okay? It happened, it's over, so there's that.
Yeah.
No.
I'm practically uninsurable.
Seriously, Jackie.
It's completely involuntary.
I am not attracted to you at all.
Wow, Coop.
Charming as ever.
Jacks, Wicked Witch is looking for you.
Apparently, you dropped a house on her sister.
Don't be mad, lady.
Hi.
Zoey.
First year nursing, Queens Community.
Hi again.
Fresh meat.
I took the last three.
This one's yours.
Fuck off, Mohammed.
No offense.
These hours, Jackie.
All Saints Hospital and its myriad subsidiaries do, in no way endorse 80-hour weeks from its nursing staff.
Please, Mrs.
Akalitis, please.
I am with a student.
Let's go, whatever your name is.
After 12.
5 hours nurses are three times more likely to make mistakes.
Lies, Mrs.
Akalitis, lies.
Two things.
Did you take Dr.
Ekebwe's pen? And can you do a double on Monday? Yes and yes.
Good, you're quiet.
I like them quiet.
Which I think is funny.
But I just want you to know I think it's great I'll be with you all day.
I can tell you're somebody who lives the job.
And that's totally me, totally.
- Okay, a quick question.
- Sure.
Shut up.
Is that a question? I don't like chatty, okay? I don't do chatty.
I like quiet.
Quiet and mean.
Those are my people.
How's your friend here feel about wheeling chemo meds up to the Chemo Ward? I don't know.
Why don't you ask her? Oh, my God, I'd love to.
Hi.
Stop.
Eddie, my back, my back, my back.
Oh, Jesus.
- Okay, babe, okay.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Let's get you up onto the cot.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You all right? - All right.
- All right, all right.
Oh, shit.
- All right here? - Yep.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Oh, shit.
What do you say we just lay here for a minute? All right.
I got six minutes.
Five minutes.
I'm gonna set my watch.
You better? Yeah.
Yeah, it is better.
Do you want a little something for your back? No, I'm all right.
That's sweet.
I'm okay.
You know what? Maybe a little Oxy.
Blue team, trauma room.
E TA two minutes.
Nineteen-year-old female.
Multiple stab wounds, arms, head and chest.
Eighty over 45, O2 sat 83.
- His suit, it looked so nice.
- We got you inside, it's all right.
Caught some john cutting up hookers in a limo.
Dumped her in the Alphabets.
Why did he have to cut me so bad? - They get him? - No.
Lookout for Vincent van Gogh in a Zegna fucking suit.
She got the blade away from him.
Cut his whole ear off.
Good girl.
Put it on ice.
- Nice.
- Puke away from the ear, Zoey.
This way.
Follow me.
Fucking Manolo Blahnik.
Hurt like hell, but they make my legs look so good.
Can I see that? What size do you wear? Eight.
I thought I did too.
- I need to eat something.
- Me too.
Dr.
Cooper grabbed my tit today.
Did your tit make the first move? He says it was a Tourette's response to stress.
- Jesus.
You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.
That man is incompetent and dangerous.
He killed a bike messenger today.
Jesus, Jackie.
You're such a tattletale.
More bread.
What do you doctors have against healing people, for chrissake? Oh, yeah, you see that lot right there? Healing, helping, fixing.
Fantastic.
That's why you're a nurse.
When I was a little girl, I took a butter knife and opened up a dead bunny to see how it worked.
That's why I'm a doctor.
You care as much as I do, and you know it.
Yeah.
No.
No, I don't.
Do you realize you're the only sane one there? It's a fucking asylum.
I'm telling you, Jack, if I didn't have this, and of course, you I don't think I could handle it there.
I really don't.
You're so dedicated.
- I am off the clock.
- So am I.
Four minutes till brain damage.
Two till she passes out.
Excuse me.
We need some help here.
I got it.
You're buying lunch.
Yes, ma'am.
Are you all right? I think it's marvelous the hotel has a nurse on duty.
I'm sorry I puked.
It won't happen again.
Yes, it will.
Sixteen-year-old male.
Shot a Roman candle out of his ass.
Third-degree burns on his scrotum and perirectal area.
Find an open G YN.
Let's get him in the stirrups.
Where's Jackie? Someone get Jackie.
I'm right here.
It's okay.
You can laugh.
No one's laughing, honey.
First objective is to get you out of pain.
No, no, no.
He's totally loaded.
He is not in any pain.
We don't wanna make you sick.
You wanna tell us what you took? I can't remember.
Hennessy and Hpnotiq? Been smoking a little cush? Smoking Yeah, how did? How did she know? She's seen a hundred of you jerkoffs blow through these doors.
I have been exactly that drunk myself.
Because I used to drink a lot.
- So, what, you don't drink anymore? - No.
- Ever? - No, never.
I like to have a clear head.
Can we close the door? Listen.
Would it be okay if I took a picture of your injuries? My stupid little brother's like a bong hit away from launching fireworks from his ass cheeks.
He might think twice.
Cautionary tale.
Enjoy.
Holler! It's starting to hurt.
I know, honey.
I know.
When you have a minute.
Her name is Beth.
Girlfriend of the bike-messenger kid.
She wants to talk to you.
Why me? Where's the social worker? - She's mad at us for the party.
- Us? You tongued her husband after Yuletide karaoke, not me.
- You dared me.
- Oh, man, you owe me.
I owe everybody.
I'm so confused.
He never said anything about being an organ donor.
I don't want you to just cut him up like that, you know? Well, I'm afraid that train has already left the station.
Don't listen to me, honey.
I cannot even begin to imagine what it must feel like to be you right now.
And I'm not gonna cushion it and tell you I'm so sorry for your loss.
I know it is much bigger than that.
But I am deeply, deeply sorry.
But if it's any comfort, he's gonna be a hero now.
His body is gonna save lives.
Okay.
Fine.
Can I have his heart? I'm sorry? Oh, how about a kidney? I know there's this organ market where rich people buy Pay a lot of money for body parts.
I know, it doesn't work that way.
Twenty thousand bucks for a kidney.
Don't you think he owes me that? For getting himself killed on that goddamn bike? What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't even pay for a cab home.
Fucking Peter.
He made me pancakes this morning.
Kalil.
K-A-L-l-L? Could I ask you something? - Yeah.
- Who is that guy? Shitbird sliced up a prostitute in a limo.
Why isn't he cuffed? Executive secretary to the fucking Libyan ambassador.
Can't detain him.
Diplomatic immunity.
- Brought him in to get his ear back.
- Are you kidding me? Nothing gonna happen to him.
Not without his embassy's consent.
How long is this going to take? That woman you cut took She liked to cut herself.
Oh, it was her idea? Yes.
American women are very adventurous.
She probably did it for attention.
What do you do for attention? I'll be right back.
Fuck you.
What does one offer as a side dish when serving John the Baptist's head on a silver platter? Coleslaw.
No, mac and cheese.
No, potato salad.
And rum and Cokes.
You like rum and Cokes with anything.
That's right.
I could have saved that boy, that messenger kid.
I knew there was a bleed.
I felt it.
This is where you jump in, you tell me: "You did everything you could.
It wasn't your fault.
" Do you want me to say that? Do you believe it? Do you? You know there would be some definite advantages to dating a man without a torso.
You could carry him in your purse.
He could never leave.
You could put him in the oven when he talks back.
Or throw his stupid head overboard when you catch him fucking a pool boy on a cruise to celebrate your six-month anniversary that you had to pay for because he is a narcissistic fucking asshole.
- How is Randy? - He's good.
Do you think there's a finite amount of pain in the world? Like, if I take a thorn out of someone's hand does that pain have to go somewhere else? Yes.
That's why there's drugs.
Like maybe God said: "Here, I want this much suffering to exist in the world.
You people can split it up anyway you want but I want exactly this much suffering.
" It's interesting.
That would make him kind of a prick, wouldn't it? I have a tendency to overthink sometimes.
Go home.
Turn your brain off.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I think you're a saint.
Just so you know.
Goddamn it.
I almost killed you.
I almost killed you.
- Good night.
- Night.
You wanna come over tonight? Not tonight, okay? Brought you something for your back.
Dr Pepper.
And A MoonPie.
I was thinking more along the lines of Vicodin.
I'm not an idiot.
I love you.
I love you too.
Be careful.
Fuck you.
If I were a saint Which maybe I want to be, maybe I don't.
- I would be like Augustine.
He knew there was good in him and he knew there was some not so good.
And he wasn't gonna give up his earthly pleasures before he was good and ready.
Make me good, God, but not yet.
Right? - Hello, my loves.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Mom.
Come here, baby.
A MoonPie.
For me? Split it with your sister.
Hey, babe.
I made pancakes for dinner.
How great is that? It bears repeating.
Make me good, God but not yet.
S.
Eliot, 10th grade English, Sister Jane de Chanteau.
What a champ.
She told me that the people with the greatest capacity for good are the ones with the greatest capacity for evil.
Smart fucking nun.
All right, I got one for you.
What do you call a nurse with a bad back? Unemployed.
One left.
That sucks.
Sixteen grains.
No more, no less.
Just a little bump to get me up and running.
Blue team, ambulance No, no, St.
Barts.
Four hours, door-to-door.
Book it.
Trust me, you won't regret it.
We good? All right, I gotta go.
Hey, champ.
Head struck, open tib-fib.
Pulse is weak and thready.
Does that hurt? How about that? Why don't you let me do that? How you doing, Peter? You hanging in there? - It's all good.
- No pain? - Nope.
- Can you show me two fingers? Peter? Two fingers? Hey, doc, you should get an iPhone.
You think so? Let's get Raj from Ortho down here.
Watch the light, hon.
Blood in the ear.
Let's check for glucose.
Rule out CSF, all right? This guy needs a scan.
Hey, I know what I'm doing.
Jesus, bossy.
- That leg's fucked up.
- Ortho, seriously? He's got a bleed, I'm telling you right now.
He's totally lucid, 100 percent.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? See? What'd I tell you? Let's get some film on that leg.
We're gonna fix you up real good, chief.
Acute subdural hematoma.
The brain puffs up so fast it rips the blood vessels and you bleed to death inside your skull.
Twenty-seven-year-old bike messenger.
Yeah, of course he's a donor.
Of course I have the family's consent.
Jesus Christ, you people.
You have four minutes to get a transplant team to the place.
Yeah, three minutes and counting, okay? Hang up the phone and drive.
Gosh, you should not have died, Peter Michael Donovan.
It may have been a shame, but it will not be a waste.
That I promise.
- My son was an organ donor? - He was.
Fucking bleeding heart.
Give it all away, Petey.
What the fuck with the language? Look at where you are.
- Jesus.
- Blow me.
All right.
Where's the bike? I'm sorry? He's our brother.
He broke his leg and died and you wanna know where that bike is? - He didn't die from the leg injury.
- That bike was like 3 grand.
Yeah, I wanna know where it is.
- What, you want Beth to have it? - Fuck Beth.
Beth is the girlfriend.
Oh, I see.
We worked 9/11.
And not a scratch on us.
Petey's job is to ride a bike.
And he gets killed.
Seriously, you don't know where the bike is? Jackie.
Chocolate milk.
- Dr.
Cooper.
- Coop.
Call me Coop.
Dr.
Cooper.
Nurse Jackie.
So, what's up? What can I do for you? What you can do for me is this.
You can stay the fuck out of my way, that's what you can do for me.
- You need to use the sink? - No.
What I need is for you to know that I know you.
I have seen hundreds of you jerkoffs blow through these doors.
You graduated what, the top 10, top 5 percent of your class, right? Test scores through the roof but a total fucking retard when it comes to actual patients.
I know you.
I had to look that kid's mother in the eye and tell her we did everything we could.
That was my patient.
I told you he was slipping, and he was.
If I tell you to order a scan, order a scan.
If you don't do it, I'll go to the next doctor.
And the next doctor after that.
In the meantime, that kid died.
And it is all on you.
Is this happening, not happening? I can't even tell.
Oh, shit.
Oh, crap, l I'm so sorry.
Oh, God, l No.
When I get nervous, I act out with inappropriate sexual touches.
It's like Tourette's.
It's It's over, okay? It happened, it's over, so there's that.
Yeah.
No.
I'm practically uninsurable.
Seriously, Jackie.
It's completely involuntary.
I am not attracted to you at all.
Wow, Coop.
Charming as ever.
Jacks, Wicked Witch is looking for you.
Apparently, you dropped a house on her sister.
Don't be mad, lady.
Hi.
Zoey.
First year nursing, Queens Community.
Hi again.
Fresh meat.
I took the last three.
This one's yours.
Fuck off, Mohammed.
No offense.
These hours, Jackie.
All Saints Hospital and its myriad subsidiaries do, in no way endorse 80-hour weeks from its nursing staff.
Please, Mrs.
Akalitis, please.
I am with a student.
Let's go, whatever your name is.
After 12.
5 hours nurses are three times more likely to make mistakes.
Lies, Mrs.
Akalitis, lies.
Two things.
Did you take Dr.
Ekebwe's pen? And can you do a double on Monday? Yes and yes.
Good, you're quiet.
I like them quiet.
Which I think is funny.
But I just want you to know I think it's great I'll be with you all day.
I can tell you're somebody who lives the job.
And that's totally me, totally.
- Okay, a quick question.
- Sure.
Shut up.
Is that a question? I don't like chatty, okay? I don't do chatty.
I like quiet.
Quiet and mean.
Those are my people.
How's your friend here feel about wheeling chemo meds up to the Chemo Ward? I don't know.
Why don't you ask her? Oh, my God, I'd love to.
Hi.
Stop.
Eddie, my back, my back, my back.
Oh, Jesus.
- Okay, babe, okay.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Let's get you up onto the cot.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You all right? - All right.
- All right, all right.
Oh, shit.
- All right here? - Yep.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Oh, shit.
What do you say we just lay here for a minute? All right.
I got six minutes.
Five minutes.
I'm gonna set my watch.
You better? Yeah.
Yeah, it is better.
Do you want a little something for your back? No, I'm all right.
That's sweet.
I'm okay.
You know what? Maybe a little Oxy.
Blue team, trauma room.
E TA two minutes.
Nineteen-year-old female.
Multiple stab wounds, arms, head and chest.
Eighty over 45, O2 sat 83.
- His suit, it looked so nice.
- We got you inside, it's all right.
Caught some john cutting up hookers in a limo.
Dumped her in the Alphabets.
Why did he have to cut me so bad? - They get him? - No.
Lookout for Vincent van Gogh in a Zegna fucking suit.
She got the blade away from him.
Cut his whole ear off.
Good girl.
Put it on ice.
- Nice.
- Puke away from the ear, Zoey.
This way.
Follow me.
Fucking Manolo Blahnik.
Hurt like hell, but they make my legs look so good.
Can I see that? What size do you wear? Eight.
I thought I did too.
- I need to eat something.
- Me too.
Dr.
Cooper grabbed my tit today.
Did your tit make the first move? He says it was a Tourette's response to stress.
- Jesus.
You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.
That man is incompetent and dangerous.
He killed a bike messenger today.
Jesus, Jackie.
You're such a tattletale.
More bread.
What do you doctors have against healing people, for chrissake? Oh, yeah, you see that lot right there? Healing, helping, fixing.
Fantastic.
That's why you're a nurse.
When I was a little girl, I took a butter knife and opened up a dead bunny to see how it worked.
That's why I'm a doctor.
You care as much as I do, and you know it.
Yeah.
No.
No, I don't.
Do you realize you're the only sane one there? It's a fucking asylum.
I'm telling you, Jack, if I didn't have this, and of course, you I don't think I could handle it there.
I really don't.
You're so dedicated.
- I am off the clock.
- So am I.
Four minutes till brain damage.
Two till she passes out.
Excuse me.
We need some help here.
I got it.
You're buying lunch.
Yes, ma'am.
Are you all right? I think it's marvelous the hotel has a nurse on duty.
I'm sorry I puked.
It won't happen again.
Yes, it will.
Sixteen-year-old male.
Shot a Roman candle out of his ass.
Third-degree burns on his scrotum and perirectal area.
Find an open G YN.
Let's get him in the stirrups.
Where's Jackie? Someone get Jackie.
I'm right here.
It's okay.
You can laugh.
No one's laughing, honey.
First objective is to get you out of pain.
No, no, no.
He's totally loaded.
He is not in any pain.
We don't wanna make you sick.
You wanna tell us what you took? I can't remember.
Hennessy and Hpnotiq? Been smoking a little cush? Smoking Yeah, how did? How did she know? She's seen a hundred of you jerkoffs blow through these doors.
I have been exactly that drunk myself.
Because I used to drink a lot.
- So, what, you don't drink anymore? - No.
- Ever? - No, never.
I like to have a clear head.
Can we close the door? Listen.
Would it be okay if I took a picture of your injuries? My stupid little brother's like a bong hit away from launching fireworks from his ass cheeks.
He might think twice.
Cautionary tale.
Enjoy.
Holler! It's starting to hurt.
I know, honey.
I know.
When you have a minute.
Her name is Beth.
Girlfriend of the bike-messenger kid.
She wants to talk to you.
Why me? Where's the social worker? - She's mad at us for the party.
- Us? You tongued her husband after Yuletide karaoke, not me.
- You dared me.
- Oh, man, you owe me.
I owe everybody.
I'm so confused.
He never said anything about being an organ donor.
I don't want you to just cut him up like that, you know? Well, I'm afraid that train has already left the station.
Don't listen to me, honey.
I cannot even begin to imagine what it must feel like to be you right now.
And I'm not gonna cushion it and tell you I'm so sorry for your loss.
I know it is much bigger than that.
But I am deeply, deeply sorry.
But if it's any comfort, he's gonna be a hero now.
His body is gonna save lives.
Okay.
Fine.
Can I have his heart? I'm sorry? Oh, how about a kidney? I know there's this organ market where rich people buy Pay a lot of money for body parts.
I know, it doesn't work that way.
Twenty thousand bucks for a kidney.
Don't you think he owes me that? For getting himself killed on that goddamn bike? What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't even pay for a cab home.
Fucking Peter.
He made me pancakes this morning.
Kalil.
K-A-L-l-L? Could I ask you something? - Yeah.
- Who is that guy? Shitbird sliced up a prostitute in a limo.
Why isn't he cuffed? Executive secretary to the fucking Libyan ambassador.
Can't detain him.
Diplomatic immunity.
- Brought him in to get his ear back.
- Are you kidding me? Nothing gonna happen to him.
Not without his embassy's consent.
How long is this going to take? That woman you cut took She liked to cut herself.
Oh, it was her idea? Yes.
American women are very adventurous.
She probably did it for attention.
What do you do for attention? I'll be right back.
Fuck you.
What does one offer as a side dish when serving John the Baptist's head on a silver platter? Coleslaw.
No, mac and cheese.
No, potato salad.
And rum and Cokes.
You like rum and Cokes with anything.
That's right.
I could have saved that boy, that messenger kid.
I knew there was a bleed.
I felt it.
This is where you jump in, you tell me: "You did everything you could.
It wasn't your fault.
" Do you want me to say that? Do you believe it? Do you? You know there would be some definite advantages to dating a man without a torso.
You could carry him in your purse.
He could never leave.
You could put him in the oven when he talks back.
Or throw his stupid head overboard when you catch him fucking a pool boy on a cruise to celebrate your six-month anniversary that you had to pay for because he is a narcissistic fucking asshole.
- How is Randy? - He's good.
Do you think there's a finite amount of pain in the world? Like, if I take a thorn out of someone's hand does that pain have to go somewhere else? Yes.
That's why there's drugs.
Like maybe God said: "Here, I want this much suffering to exist in the world.
You people can split it up anyway you want but I want exactly this much suffering.
" It's interesting.
That would make him kind of a prick, wouldn't it? I have a tendency to overthink sometimes.
Go home.
Turn your brain off.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I think you're a saint.
Just so you know.
Goddamn it.
I almost killed you.
I almost killed you.
- Good night.
- Night.
You wanna come over tonight? Not tonight, okay? Brought you something for your back.
Dr Pepper.
And A MoonPie.
I was thinking more along the lines of Vicodin.
I'm not an idiot.
I love you.
I love you too.
Be careful.
Fuck you.
If I were a saint Which maybe I want to be, maybe I don't.
- I would be like Augustine.
He knew there was good in him and he knew there was some not so good.
And he wasn't gonna give up his earthly pleasures before he was good and ready.
Make me good, God, but not yet.
Right? - Hello, my loves.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Mom.
Come here, baby.
A MoonPie.
For me? Split it with your sister.
Hey, babe.
I made pancakes for dinner.
How great is that? It bears repeating.
Make me good, God but not yet.