Off the Hook (2009) s01e01 Episode Script

I can't believe my little honey bear's leaving me.
- How are you going to cope all alone? - I'll be OK, Mum.
And I will call you later, OK? Do your coat up, at least.
Mum, please, just don't.
Why don't you just let me come up and make up your bed? Maybe you just should stay for the first night and make sure I'm OK(!) - Can I? - No, absolutely not.
Look, I've got to go.
- One more kissy.
- OK, quickly.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
Dan! Dan! Wait, you forgot your inhaler! I don't even know why I'm here.
We'll all be dead in 100 years.
What's the point of learning anything if you're just going to end up dead? - Yeah.
- One day we'll all be nothing but worm food.
Just rotting away.
You know what? There's someone up there that I recognise, so I'm going to go and say hello.
Cheers.
- Inhaler boy.
- Ah, you saw that? Good.
- I was worried that not everyone had seen.
- I thought you were brave.
I wouldn't let my mum within a mile of the place.
So, is this your first time away from home? No, I took a gap year.
I just spent the summer teaching in Africa.
A great experience, though.
Such amazing landscapes and people.
- Have you done any travelling? - Me? Yeah.
Loads.
School trips and stuff.
I spent the summer in Wales, actually.
Yeah, such amazing hills.
And sheep.
See, I'm a photographer so I was there taking pictures.
Not of sheep exclusively.
That would be weird.
I'm Danny, by the way.
- I'm Becky.
- Incoming! Ow! Shane.
What are you doing here? I made it, man? Can you believe it? There was one space left on moral philosophy with comparative philology.
I don't know what it is, man, but it's only four hours of lectures a week! I couldn't let you go off to uni all by yourself, could I? So here we go, man! Three whole years! Oh, it's going to be fantastic.
- Look, man, I boughtmy entire porn collection! - Shane, this is Becky.
Becky, Shane.
- He's a friend from school.
- Whoa! Fit! Danny wasn't trying to chat you up, was he? He's like a nuclear disaster when it comes to chatting up girls.
Once he got chucked out this party because he had all this jelly - You don't have to tell the jelly story.
-No? - No.
Let's just say he's lucky he's got me here to hook him up with some ladies! Hey, guys.
How's it going? Sorry, but if you're not in the queue, could you just maybego to the back? Chill out, grandad.
Are you dressed like that for charity or something? - Go to the back.
- What? - Both of you, go back.
- I didn't say anything! - To the back, now.
It's just like back at school, isn't it? Brilliant.
- Hey, I'm Todd.
- I'm Becky.
Do you ever think that life's just futile and we'd be better off if the world just ended? - I'm starting to, mate, yeah.
- Thanks.
Ah, right.
It's you.
Unfortunately, all the new flats are full so I'm going to have to stick you into the overspill.
Oh, my God! Wow! It's like something out of Hostel.
We're going to die here, aren't we? Wow, Danny, look, you can see right into other people's rooms! Oh, what are you doing, Shane? You can't spy on people with binoculars.
Er, you can't spy on people without binoculars! Man, there's that Becky girl.
With some dude in a towel.
What? Let me see! Hey there, baby.
I'm towel man.
- I think she saw me! - Don't worry, man.
She's probably going to end up with towel man.
No, she's not.
She's going to end up with me.
How do you work that one out? She probably thinks you're some weird sex pest now she's seen you staring at her with your binoculars.
Ah, towel man! - Can you hear me? If you don't turn that music down I'm going to come in there and beat your face in like a ripe melon, do you hear me? - Hi! I'm Scarlet.
- Danny.
What's going on? Oh, nothing, just this freak pumping out this total crap at full volume! Hey, man! Oh, wicked, we got a girl.
I guess I'd better give you the apron, then.
- Shane, this is Scarlet.
- Hiya, Scarlet.
I was only joking.
- There's no way you're getting your hands on this apron! - Wow, you're a really funny guy(!) Are you here studying stand-up comedy? Actually, no.
Moral philosophy with comparative philology.
What's comparative philology? - Don't know.
- What's happening? Hey, Fred, look, we got a girl.
- Great.
- Shane, what is that? It looks like something fished out of a dustbin.
This, my man, is all for you! Mmm! I made you breakfast! Don't say I never do anything for you, all right? Come on, go and get dressed.
We've got freshers fair in ten minutes.
Come on! No! So, what are you up for, man? Kung-fu Soc, Karate Soc, Kick-boxing Soc? Is there anything that doesn't require me to get my head kicked in? We're going to have to do something to beef you up.
- Becky ain't going to look at you like that, mate.
- Like what? - You're all gaunt and withered.
Like a plucked chicken.
Oh, my God.
There's Becky.
- Go and say hello, man.
- Yeah.
Don't say anything! Hey, Becky.
How's it going? Yeah, pretty good.
Just planning a little party for tomorrow night.
You should - Oh, no.
No, this is not my T-shirt.
I got locked out of my room.
This is Shane's.
- Yes, it is! Also, yesterday, you may have seen me looking at you with a pair of binoculars and I wanted to let you know that I wasn't spying on you.
In case that's what it looked like.
I was there.
He wasn't touching himself or anything.
So, you're signing up for art class? - Yeah.
- If you ever need a model, Danny's your man.
He has done all the types of modelling.
- You know, you name it, he's done it.
Isn't that right, man? - Really? What have you modelled for? - What? - What magazines? Oh Er - Like, HorWhore? - No, no! God, no.
Like HorHorse! Horse magazine.
- Horse magazine? - Yeah, yeah.
So it's like a magazine for horses.
About horses.
For people.
A magazine about horses for people.
A horse magazine.
They're actually looking for a model for the class this afternoon.
Yeah, Danny's your man.
He'll do it.
Right? Yeah, yeah, why not? OK, great.
I'll go tell Angela.
OK.
Brilliant! Oh, no! What the hell have you done, Shane? You've just signed me up to pose for a nude drawing class.
- Nude? I don't think you should go nude, man.
- Look at the picture! - Oh, yeah.
That's not good.
All right? What exciting things have you signed up for, then? Shane has just volunteered me to model naked for a life-drawing class.
- Oh, really? Where's the class? - If I don't do it, then Becky will think I'm a chicken.
- She'll think you're a plucked chicken when she sees you naked.
- Who's Becky? So, naked man.
- What? - You, er into naked men? Just because I thought, maybe with your hair and that, you might be a bit lesbian.
- I'm not a lesbian.
- No? Good.
Because you know, under these clothes, I'm a naked man.
Can you stop talking to me, please? - You're making me feel sick.
- Yep.
Today we're going to focus on the beautiful male form.
Right, OK You can do this.
It's no big deal.
I mean, it's natural.
There's nothing weird about this at all.
Of course, we will only be drawing the basic facial structures today, but stick around - by the end of term, we'll be bringingin the some nude models! Now, let's get started.
Bring in today's model.
Danny? My love, it'll just shine on Ah! It'll just shine on Into the dark My love Here you go.
This is mad, isn't it? Boys at uni.
Eh? - This is what it's all about! - Yeah.
It's a shame that we've only just arrived and the hottest girl here already thinks I'm a complete idiot.
Oh, cheer up, mate! So what, you turned up stark naked to an art class that teaches face portraits.
This is uni! Man, you're sitting here with your new flatmates, having a drink.
This is great.
- Haven't you got a smile for your old mate? -No, Shane.
- Come on! - Nope.
- Give granny a smile! - No! - Give granny a kiss! Come on.
- No! Here he is, see? I'm telling you, man, there's plenty more chicks in the sea.
Where are they? - On, get a room.
- All right, Scarlet.
Hi there.
So, that was an interesting art class.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
What an idiot! - No, don't apologise.
I thought it was funny.
See? It is funny.
OK, yeah.
So it's funny for you two, but no one else finds it funny.
I think it's funny.
Oh, look.
An invitation to Becky's party.
- Look, man.
It's you, naked! - What? Oh my God! Becky's put a drawing of me naked on her party flyers.
- Why would she do that? - She's clearly in love with you.
What did I say? The modelling thing worked.
- I'm a genius! - Why has she made my head so big? - Because it is that big.
Come on, I've got to make the punch.
It's that weird bloke still pumping out his music.
Has anyone even seen him? - I think he doesn't exist.
- God.
He definitely exists.
Look, he's left a Post-it note.
"Touch my forks and I'll fork your face.
" Yeah, we're living with a total freak.
I bet he does weird experiments.
You just know he's got a big jar in there with a badger's head in it.
I should never have done that art class! Scarlet's been giving me these strange looks.
That's lesbians for you.
Scarlet's not a lesbian.
Course she is, man! Think about it! You can tell by her hairhere she is.
My special girl.
Sweet dreams, Scarlet? Ah, yeah, actually.
I dreamt I didn't have a ginger idiot as a flatmate.
- She loves me, really.
- No, I don't! Shane, where's the milk? - What milk? - That's the one thing we went out to go and buy.
- You bought all this crap and forgotten the most important item.
- Liquorice all-sorts aren't crap.
- I'm not going to eat them for breakfast, though.
- Why not? Look, don't have a stress attack about it.
Weird bloke's got some milk.
Have some of that.
- Yeah, it says "do not touch".
- He's not going to know, is he? Right, actually, give me some of that.
I'm going to whack it in the Shane special.
- What's a Shane special? - Only my world-famous party punch, babes.
I'm telling you, girls go crazy for Shane's magic love potion.
Right.
- What else? - How about cyanide? - Fred, has anyone ever told you you're like a ray of sunshine? - No.
No? Ah, that looks absolutely disgusting.
- Are you going to come to Becky's party, Scarlet? - No, thanks.
- I'd rather hang out and listen to Fred.
- Maybe Fred wants to come with us.
What d'you reckon, mate? - What's the point? - I don't know.
It might be fun.
It can't be any worse than what I had planned.
Oh, man.
This is going to be the best party in history of the world.
Ever.
- Or the worst.
- It's not going to be either.
It's just going to be a party.
- Don't get a rash about it.
Hey, where's your towel? Hi, hi! I'm going to go and stand in the corner.
Look, there's Becky.
Why is she always surrounded by people? I know, she's like social Sellotape.
- You all right, Danny? - Yeah, I'm fine, why? You look like you've got facial herpes.
Shane, look at my face! It's all red and blotchy.
- I know.
It's weird.
- I can't let Becky see me like this! I'm going to have to go.
Tell her I'm sorry! Oh, no! Whoa, calm down! There's plenty to go round! Everyone, raise it up! Whoo! Shane's punch, baby! Drink it, drink it, drink it! Incomi-i-i-i-ing! Argh! - What are you doing? - Oh, sorry, man.
I thought you was a terrorist.
Danny, what's going on? Excuse me, everybody.
Hi, guys.
Erm, could you just let me know, with a show of hands, who's had some of Shane's punch? God, Becky's party was ruined.
- I bet she hates me now.
- No way, man.
Not with big Shane-monster looking out for you.
- Stop referring to yourself in the third person.
It's weird.
- All right.
- What d'you mean that you were watching out for me? - Don't worry, man, I was totally bigging you up! I was saying you're like the coolest guy I know, and the cleverest.
- Ooh, and I told her you worked for six months on a South American leper colony, like Che Guevara! - What? That's not true, why did you say that? Because she was going on about all these amazing places that she'd been to.
- I just wanted you to match up.
- But I told her I spent the summer in Wales.
Yeah, but I told her that you made all that up cos you were being modest! She was bowled over, man! - You've got a good chance with her tomorrow at the freshers' ball.
- You're unbelievable! - It's a gift! - So now I have to tell her you made that whole thing up.
- Don't do that, she'll think I'm a big sack of lies! No! Why would she think that(?) No, I'm going alone, Shane.
Oh, yeah.
No, I know.
I've got to go and read some, er, Aristophanes.
It's philosophy.
So Er, firstly, I wanted to apologise, for the whole punch incident.
Shane has this habit of ruining everything he gets involved in.
- What, like, with the jelly? - He didn't tell you about the? - No.
- Oh, thank God.
How come you're so friendly with him, then, if he's always messing everything up? We sort of grew up together, so I feel responsible for him, in a way.
I feel like I have to look after him.
He needs special care.
Well, he certainly looks up to you.
Last night he was talking about you non-stop.
- He told me about your summer in Bolivia.
- That's one of the things I wanted to talk about because - To set up your own hospital, it's amazing.
- Actually, I - When the hospital caught fire and you saved those children from certain death, it must have been terrifying.
- Listen, I I'm glad we've met.
You're the kind of person I was hoping to find at uni.
So many of the guys here are such wasters.
- Hi, Danny.
- Oh, hi, Scarlet.
- Oh, Becky, this is Scarlet, she's a flatmate.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Ow! You're hurting my hand.
So, Danny, we're about to start a debate about Third World poverty, d'you wanna? - Oh Yeah! Yeah!- Yeah, let's go in.
- Cool, let's do it.
.
.
you can, you could Thank you.
So, maybe somebody here has a story they can tell us to inspire the other students - like I did.
- Tell them what you did.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Becky - Yes? Yeah.
Erm, my friend Danny here spent six months working on a leper colony in Bolivia.
That is exactly what I'm talking about - somebody who's prepared to put their butt on the line to help others.
Come down here, man.
Tell us about it.
This man This man, putting his butt on the line.
Thank you.
Putting his butt on the line.
Step up, brother.
So, where in Bolivia were you? In a village called - Santa Manta.
- Santa Manta? - Yeah.
And what were you doing on the leper colony exactly? I was li servicing.
Like general servicing.
Erm, sponging.
Yeah, I was I sponged them down a lot.
Sure, right.
Did you find the disfigurement a challenge? Oh, God, yeah.
Erm, it was disgusting.
I couldn't look at them a lot of the time.
It was as if they were sort of melting.
Like And this one time, right, I was talking to this old guy and his hand just fell off.
But we tried to stick it back on.
As you would, probably, with, like, glue.
And Sellotape.
And whatever we could find.
But it it didn't work.
- Hi, Becky.
Have you spoken to Danny? - Yeah.
Why? I'm so sorry I made up that whole leper colony thing.
- You You made it up? - Yeah.
But, see, onlyto make him sound cooler than he really is.
You know, cos And also, you can never, never let lepers near the food-making area.
What's going on?This one time, I found a finger in my mashed potato.
It was But you know, I couldn't let it get to me.
Uh-uh.
I had to stay strong.
For the kids.
- Yes, honey? - I'm just really interested to know, Danny, how you had this incredible experience, as a New Age Mother Teresa, when, erm, you told me you spent the summer in Wales taking photos of sheep? - Are you all right, Fred? - Yeah.
- Have you, er, have you seen Danny around? Yeah.
- Where was he? - On his way to the freshers' ball.
Oh, right.
Was he with anyone? - Yeah.
- Who? - He was with Shane.
- Oh.
Look, I know you like Danny, but you're wasting your time.
- He's got his eye on that Becky girl.
- What makes you think I like Danny? - I can sense these things.
- So, what? He's still trying it with her even after he made an idiot of himself at the lecture? - Yeah.
What's so great about Becky, anyway? She's feminine, she's soft She's got nice ears.
I've got to go.
I can't believe you got me into all that mess.
I just made it up, I didn't know you were gonna do a lecture about it.
- If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been in that position.
- I don't see why you blame me for everything! It's funny, that, isn't it? Maybe because it's totally your fault! OK, right, let's have a think about this.
It's not like you've ever been great with women! - Maybe you're just cursed or something.
- Cursed? Yeah.
Or, you know, maybe women just ain't your thing.
- What? I'm not gay! - You say that, but you are quite thin and girlish.
- Thin and girlish? - Yeah.
- Right, that's it, you and me sumo - now! - Let's go! - You ruin everything.
Whenever you're around, my whole life just falls apart.
And now I am gonna kill you! You're being ridiculous.
No-one beats me at sumo! Aaaaagh!Ugh! Ugh! Incoming! Aaagh! Ah, can't breathe! Did warn you not to challenge me! I'll go and get us a couple of drinks.
No, I don't want any drinks.
I want you to just go away.
I mean, why did you even come to this university in the first place? Moral philosophy? You don't know anything about philosophy, and you've got no morals! Yeah, I came cos y Your my best mate, you know? And I thought we'd have a wicked time together, you know.
- Partners in crime - I don't want to be partners in crime.
Why can't you get that through your fat ginger head?! I could not wait to leave school to come to university, to get away from you, because you're a nightmare! Fair enough, mate.
Yeah, I'll just go and pack my things, then.
I'll be out of your hair by the morning.
Been saving any lepers from burning buildings lately? I think I'm the only leper around here.
You should stay away from me, I might be contagious.
I feel really bad about what happened.
I never wanted to lie to you.
It's just that I .
.
I like you.
OK? There.
There, I've said it.
I like you.
And all I wanted was for you to like me back.
And if it's any consolation, I think I suffered enough embarrassment in that room to last me for the rest of my life.
So Maybe it was a bit mean of me to say that thing about the sheep in front of everyone.
Yeah, thanks for that! How about we get a drink and make up? Er, excuse me, mate, we're having a conversation.
Oh, Danny, this is Adrian, my boyfriend from back home.
Oh, right.
Yeah, OK.
I mean, that makes perfect sense.
Cos there I was fooling myself into thinking I might actually have a chance with you when this whole time, you've been going out with this geezer.
With his smart, shirty shirt and his his shiny face.
I mean, how do you get your face so shiny? Have you got some special little face polish that you sort of shine it on like that? Ee-eee! - Agh! - No-one pushes my friend! Incoming! Yeah, well, I could have taken him if I wasn't in this fat suit, so - I know you could, big guy.
- I can't believe Becky has got a boyfriend.
After all of that! You're twice the man he is.
Literally.
- Anyway, he's got a really shiny face, hasn't he? - He has, hasn't he? - He could use it as a traffic beacon or something! - Yeah! Anyway, guess I'd better No, don't.
I'm so sorry about what I said.
I've just been really uptight lately.
And I I would really like it if you didn't leave.
All right, fat boys? Is this a private hug or can anyone join in? What? You look amazing! Er, tell you what, I'm gonna go and get us a couple of beers.
Fred? Is that you? Oh.
All right, Shane? This is my woman, Sophie.
Oh! Cool, man! Anyway, got to go.
Yeah, OK, man.
Cool.
Are you gonna kiss me or am I gonna die of old age waiting? Oh, er OK.
Hi, Becky.
What's up with Mr Sheen? What? Oh, Adrian? We broke up.
We haven't been right for a while now.
The truth is, I think I like Danny.
He's outside, isn't he? YYou don't wanna go out there.
It's cold.
You're gonna catch a cold! Come on, let's have a dance.
I don't want to dance.
Yeah, you do, come on! I don't want to dance.
Come on, dance with me.
Sumo! Have you been eating onions? I didn't know there was food here!