Our Flag Means Death (2022) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
- It's your bet.
- I know it's my bet.
Then bet.
Why you always takin' long? Fuck this! I'm out.
- Hey! - What're you doin'?! I didn't sign up to play cards.
Weeks we've been out here with nothing to show for it.
I should have 20 kills by now, at least.
Yeah, maybe Captain's tryin' a new kind of slow pirating.
On your feet for your captain! What we're about to do will be perilous! Very perilous! Some of us won't be coming back.
Others may be wounded.
Still others may come back looking totally fine but in reality, be mentally devastated by what they've witnessed.
So if that's the case, what'll we do? Anyone? C'mon! Something I've always encouraged.
- Um, bottle it up? - No, Frenchie! No, that's the worst thing you could do.
No? Sorry.
Other suggestions? - Yes.
- We talk about it.
Exactly.
'Member the rhyme? "If someone returns from the raid mentally devastated, "we talk it through as a - Crew.
- crew.
" Because that's what we do here on "The Revenge.
" Approachin' the vessel, Cap'n! Right! This is it! Places everyone! Look scary! Ahoy! Surrender! You have no chance of escape! Yeah, that was a warning shot.
Now, prepare to be boarded, curs! All right.
No, just lift your leg up, Captain.
There you go.
Raid commenced! Ooh, ahh! Ooh, gosh! Is it meant to be this shaky?! Can you two down there just hold the bottom? Keep it straight, if you can.
Ahh! Thank you.
My name's Stede.
I'll be your robber here today.
Oh! Fish, okay, ah! What's back here? We're just fishermen! A-ha! What's this?! Some men are born to be pirate captains.
Others learn on the job.
Watch my buttons! Me? Well, I'm a pretty solid mix of both.
Yes! Tell them what happened here today! - Take care of the plant.
- Adios! Good luck with your fishing! Really fills the space, doesn't it? Yeah it's fine.
Now, where was I? Um being a pirate captain.
Ah, yes.
Now, every pirate captain captains pirates differently.
Traditionally, piracy is a culture of abuse Floggings, keelhaulings.
And my thought is, "Why?" And also, what if it weren't like that? For example, if your average pirate doesn't steal, he doesn't eat.
That's a lot of mental pressure.
So I pay my crew a salary.
Same wage every week, no matter what.
Course, it took them a while to come 'round to the idea, but I've included some amenities on the ship that I think will please them.
Rec center.
Out! What is this fuckin' game?! Fuck! State-of-the-art en suite.
Non-humans.
The ballroom.
Jam room.
And, of course, a full library.
The crew is free to borrow books whenever.
So far, you're the only one to take me up on it.
Well, I'm the only crew member who can read.
That's not Is that true? Ooh.
All right, come on.
Here it is.
The spoils of battle! Woo-hoo.
- Congratulations on today's raid.
- Big wow.
I do have some notes, though.
Uh, opening speech went well.
Very inspiring.
Uh, oh, yes, I guess the big note is more energy! We're swashbuckling, we're looting.
Let's have fun with it.
Stealing a plant is hardly swashbuckling.
A feckin' disgrace, is what it is.
What was that? Who said that? - Wee John, was that you? - And what it if were? Well, I'd I'd simply ask you to, uh, reframe that criticism as a suggestion.
What's one thing you'd change around here if you could? Well, we don't even have a flag, for one.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Any pirate worth a damn has a flag.
- Mm.
- That's true.
That's right.
They have flags.
Oy! Now, each of you will create a flag.
And we'll vote for the best one, and that will be the official flag for "The Revenge.
" I'm not fuckin' sewing.
- That's women's work.
- Oh, Black Pete, come on now.
You know that's not true.
How many of you sew? - Be honest.
- Sewed my shoulder up once after I'd been stabbed.
Oh! Did you hear that, guys? Roach sewed his own arm up! Sounds to me like sewing can be pretty tough.
So, grab a piece of fabric and have at it! Express yourselves.
- Oh, that's very good.
- Oh, thank you.
- What is it? - It's like a flag extender - Right.
- so it flaps.
Oh, it'll blow in the wind? Interesting, okay.
- Yeah.
- Do you like mine? That's such beautiful material.
Well, don't you look holy.
Oh, thank you.
I used to make dresses with my mother.
And now, you're a pirate.
A lot of the guys are sweethearts deep down.
Hoy, hoy! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Break it up! Swede, get off of him! They're just dealing with a fair amount of trauma.
So, first of all, you should've asked, and, second of all what could you do with your large bit of fabric? Talk about it? - No, shared! You could've shared it.
- Oh.
Creative projects give them a chance to work through it.
And maybe even share a bit of what's going on inside.
Well, guess it's time.
- For what? - To kill Captain.
Hey, come on, mate.
I'm gonna have to sew that up now.
Sorry sorry.
If I can help this crew grow, as people, then I've succeeded in being a pirate captain.
A word, Cap'n? Oh, yes, Mr.
Buttons.
What's on your mind? Everything good? Everythin' is not good.
Mutiny is a-brewin'.
Mutiny? Really? Been on many a ship 'n the nose never lies.
- Stop writing! - Stop I mean it! - Lucius! - Sorry, I'm confused.
You said to record everything, warts and all, - so that's what I'm doin'.
- Well, not this! Just go for a walk.
You think Blackbeard's crew sews? No.
We were too busy killing.
Or, or drinking.
And when we weren't killing or drinking, we were plotting or scheming, or or just, generally, being badasses.
You never sailed with Blackbeard.
Hey, could you pass the black thread, pretty please? Cheers, me dears.
What is that? A, a cat? The flag's supposed to be scary.
Yeah, cats are terrifying.
Everyone knows that.
'Cause they're witches.
And they've got knives in their feet.
Can we forget about the flags for a second, and focus on the mutiny? Mutiny or no, we're gonna need a scary flag aren't we, so Look, the point is we should be pillaging! Mm-hm.
The current management's gotta go.
Who's with me? If we can light him on fire I'm in.
That's one.
Who else? Hey, guys, so, um Buttons told him.
Goddammit! Um, I'm still in, by the way.
Mutiny? Really? I I can't believe it.
Why? I wouldn't take it personal.
It's just that they don't like ye.
- Or the way that ye do things.
- Hmm.
I'm supportive, caring.
- Responsive to their needs.
- See, that may be what's contributin' to the poor overall impression.
What is the overall impression? That yer weak soft-bellied, yella.
- I see.
- Craven, ill-equipped to lead men.
Understood! Thank you.
What I'm hearing is they could do with more structure.
- Perhaps, a firmer hand? - Or an iron fist.
Give 'em somethin' to really stick their teeth inta.
Make them earn their keep.
Know what I'm sayin'? I get it.
Toughen up.
Question, who's gonna be captain if we kill Captain? We vote on it.
And then it will be me 'cause I'm the most experienced.
Fucking no, no, no, no, no.
How 'bout Jim? He looks experienced.
Well, he's a mute, for one, which seems problematic in a leader.
No offense.
I know you're mates.
Oh, no, none taken.
It's true.
Besides, Jim's not too keen on politics anyway, so.
Ooh, how 'bout that one? Is that big? Aye, hard to say for certain, but I expect she's our beauty.
Good, all right.
Should we go for that one? It's the only one I can really see.
Let's do it.
What about you, Oluwande? In or out? Well, I don't really have a problem with the Captain.
He reads us stories at night.
That's one nice thing about him.
If we kill him, we'll never know what happens to the wooden doll who wants to become a real boy.
- Aww.
- None of us can read.
Lucius reads.
But can he do the voices? - Captain does the voices.
- Talk like a wooden boy.
- Do the, uh, the boy voice.
- Oh, no, that's okay.
- Do the wooden boy voice.
- Do the wooden boy voice! Oh, hello.
I'm a little wooden boy, and me, me legs are sticks.
Christ, that was awful.
- He's not the captain.
- Terrible Avast ye! Now, listen up! I gather some of you feel as though we're not real pirates.
Well, here's the deal, buckos.
We have our eyes on a ship.
A big one.
That's right.
A whopper.
And we're goin' to catch up with it forthwith, and kick its ass.
So, any questions? Is it really a big ship this time? - Yes, I just said it was - I'm not asking you, I'm asking him.
Oh.
She is quite impressive, aye.
But can we light it on fire? I'd be disappointed if we didn't.
Yes! Well, I think that worked well.
Aye, they do seem less inclined to murder ye, Captain.
Uh, Mr.
Buttons You don't think it'll actually get that bloody, do you? Well, it's hard to tell.
Raids are like snowflakes.
No two quite alike? Well, no, they almost always end in terrible bloodshed.
Snowflake might not be the best comparison.
- What's that? - Me fangs.
Case I have to chew through some poor fucker's throat.
God! I'm gettin' too old fer the hand-to-hand violence.
Open your eyes, child.
This is what a man's work looks like.
Come! Come with me.
Come on! One day, all this will be yours.
Not 'cause you deserve it or 'cause you've earned it Lord knows you haven't done that.
Because you lucked into it.
What do you suppose that makes you? Fortunate? Fortunate? Oh, no.
A weak-hearted soft-handed lily-livered little rich boy.
That's all you'll ever be, Stede Bonnet! That's all I'll ever be.
All I'll ever be.
Yeah, yes? Oh, uh, hey, Buttons sent us to check in Is everything all right? Like, you're in your pajamas.
No, no.
This is my battle jacket.
Yeah, I find the, uh, the feel of silk very invigorating.
All right, well, we'll leave you to it then.
- Yeah? - Hey! No, come in.
Come in Please, come in.
I was just gonna say, uh, it's actually been a minute since I've, uh, done the old hand-to-hand.
Don't suppose you could give me a refresher? Refresher? Well, Jim's seen the most combat, so is there anything in particular, or you Just the basics should do it.
Oh, that's a kill.
There's a kill.
Another kill.
Oh, there's your balls gone, - and kill.
- Right, that's It's so permanent, isn't it? - Mm.
- A lot of those, which I, I like them, but is there something, perhaps, less so? Like, a stun move? I mean, I suppose if you kind of Yeah, just, if you kind of hit someone at the back there, - you'd knock 'em out.
- Ah.
That, that is a relief.
And does it have to be a sword, or can you use No, anything heavy should do it.
Listen, Captain, you know, if I may You may.
Come on.
Have a seat Please.
- All right, well.
- This is nice.
- Look, Captain - Mm.
You know, piratin' is not for everyone.
- Oh, no, yeah.
- It's a really dangerous lifestyle.
Yeah, some of us thrive on danger, don't we? - Yeah Yeah, but look, - CAPTAIN STEDE: Yeah.
Me and Jim, we don't do this because we like it.
We do it because we don't have any other choice.
Oh, I hear that.
I mean, here we are just the whole band of us.
Killing and having to kill.
I mean, that's having, having to kill.
Oh god.
I've made a mistake.
I'm not a pirate.
I'm an idiot.
Oh god! Oh no! What the hell was that?! It's a warnin' shot, Captain! Finally caught what we've been chasin'.
Why is that ship so big? She's an English Naval warship, turns out.
Ten times as many men, 10 times as many guns.
Have you been cryin'? What?! No no.
Ahh! Don't panic! They're still not moving.
Permission to blow them to hell, Captain? I suppose so, yes.
And we're quite certain they're pirates? Hard to say.
One appears to be a heavyset woman in a silk dressing gown.
Eye.
You can see her there, cowering.
What the devil? Stede? They're sendin' over a tender, Captain.
What?! A tender! Everybody hide! I say, does one of you happen to be Stede Bonnet? What you lookin' at? Get up! We know you're there.
- Get up! - We saw you.
Oh yes.
I'm he.
Hi.
Captain Badminton of His Majesty's Royal Navy sends his regards.
Captain Badminton? - Nigel Badminton? - One and the same.
He's dreadfully sorry about the cannon fire.
He'd like to come aboard and apologize in person.
Over tea.
Not necessary.
I'm afraid he insists.
Does he? - Hey! No! - Uh, well, in that case No! No, no.
That'll be lovely, yes.
Just give us a smidge to tidy up.
We went to boarding school together.
We haven't seen each other since I was 15.
There's too many buttons.
Okay, you are Lord Peter Gravelston, minor royalty from Essex, and you love horse riding.
Next! I'm terribly sorry for firing on you earlier, Stede.
Mm, ancient history.
We easily could've done the same thing.
Exactly.
I mean, thank God you didn't, otherwise, you'd all be dead by now, but You're a wonderful sport.
So tell me about your colorful crew.
What is there to tell? Just a bunch of upper-crust lads trying our hand at the seafaring life.
Right, boys? - More tea, sir? - Uch, no.
Tastes like dishwater.
I'm not surprised.
It's clearly been made by savages.
We were rowdy school chums.
Always playing pranks on one another.
Hmm? Do you remember the day with the rowboat? - The rowboat? - Oh, come on now.
- No, I can't.
- The rowboat.
It was hysterical! Look! It's Baby Bonnet! Get him! Bonnet! Oh! Row, Baby Bonnet! Row! Oh, it was all in good fun, of course.
An initiation of sorts.
Yes, funny, I don't recall it happening to anyone else.
Oh, and there was the time with the horse! When we made you French kiss the horse.
Do you remember? Right, well, this has been quite a blast, but I'm sure you're busy with all your things, the King, and the Navy, and all that.
Not really, no.
It's terribly boring being at sea.
I mean, how many pirate crews can one obliterate before it becomes a bit of a chore? Well, this has been fun and all, but, uh we're actually on a bit of a tight schedule, aren't we? Ah, Stede a darling little ship you've got.
It's so efficient and tiny.
I'd love to see the rest of it.
Would you like a tour? Yes, I would! Wonderful.
We really should be getting back Oh, keep your pants on, Wellington.
We'll be back on our smelly old ship soon enough.
No, really.
Smells of ass and runny cheese on that thing.
Oh, I bet it does.
Good God.
Quite something, isn't it? It is absolutely ridiculous.
I mean, who brings an entire library to sea? Baby Bonnet, that's who.
Oh, it's so perfectly you.
It's so impractical.
I mean, what if there's a storm? Don't all the books fall out? We've managed so far.
To think of the ridiculous rumor going around about you.
Oh? What's that rumor? It's so silly, so outlandish.
Go on.
The rumor is that you left your wife and children Ah.
upended your entire comfortable life Which is your favorite of all the horses? Halifax.
Very pretty and very fast.
- Yes, he's wonderful.
- I like Arthur.
He has kind eyes.
And which is your favorite pig? To become a pirate.
Oh I mean it's true.
- No! - Yeah! You can't! Oh, Baby Bonnet, you do tickle me.
Ah look at this.
Is this a pillowcase? What on Earth is that? - Just a, a flag - Yeah.
From some pirates we met - and killed.
- Why's one skull eating the other? Were they c-cannibals? Who can say? All I know is I wouldn't mess with those guys.
They were super tough.
With a flag like that? Please.
Ah! And this? - Pirates as well? - Oh yeah Those guys were even tougher.
No, they weren't.
Doesn't even make sense.
He's holding his own head.
- That's terrifying.
- Skulls! More skulls! Ooh, this one's vomiting buttons onto a skeleton.
No more buttons.
Ahh! I'm crying.
- I'm sorry.
- It's not that ridiculous.
Oh, it is.
Oh, it is.
Baby Bonnet became a big, bad pirate.
But you were so fat and soft and weak.
- I thought I was slender.
- No, no, no, no.
No, I recall you were a plumper.
And you cried all the time, and liked to pick flowers.
- A little bit.
- Get ready.
Meow.
Truly, you've tangled with some fearsome outlaws.
Actually, everyone knows cats are very evil because they steal children's breath.
Enough interruptions, slave! Your captain may suffer uppity behavior, but not me! Oh my god! Fuck it! Did you hear that? Uh, no.
I didn't hear anything.
- We're under attack.
- Just wait, it might blow over.
Still a coward.
Pathetic.
Pathetic.
Pathetic.
Pathetic.
Pathetic Gah! Ah! Hello? Excuse me? You guys, I need a hand with something in my room.
Quickly! Please! I used the stun move.
Yeah, no, he, he looks pretty stunned.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
It was just an accident.
- This is not happening.
No.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- No.
This is happening, okay? Do you want to live? - That's a tough question.
- I said, "Do you want to live?" I think so! Probably! Well, pull yourself together then.
Yeah, because everyone up there wants you dead! It's true.
Now, do you want the respect of your crew? - That would be nice.
- Then this was no accident.
Okay? You did this intentionally.
- Right.
- On purpose.
On purpose.
Uh I did this.
- On purpose.
- Stabbed him right in the face.
Respect.
You'll never leave here alive, pirate scum! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
What now, Captain? Throw 'em overboard? No.
Get some rope.
All right, come on.
They're, they're leaving? Where's Captain? There he is.
Do you know how hard it is to drive a sword through someone's skull? It's always the quiet ones.
I thought that was fairly badass.
- You got to admit, he pulled it off.
- Pulled what off? Making us dress up like a bunch of fancy boys? Ah, come on.
At least we got some hostages, huh? It won't hurt to give him another day.
We can always kill him the day after.
He's a terrible captain.
We're not exactly the best crew though, are we? Besides, as long as he's around, we're gonna be paid, fed, and we don't even have to work too hard.
He'll be dead soon.
We might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
Would you rather be captained by that? Exactly.
My family's here, now.
At sea.
His wish had come true.
At long last, he'd become a real boy.
The wooden puppet looked down at his legs, his hands, his feet.
Whatever would he tell the woodsman when he came 'round for breakfast? Stupid puppet pulled it off.
Jim? Some dinner.
Good thing, I was starving.
"Morning, Mr.
Woodsman," said the wooden boy, "Don't panic.
I can explain everything.
" Right.
Lights out.
Could we just have one more? I know you love it, but you've got a big day tomorrow, okay? Night-night.
- I know it's my bet.
Then bet.
Why you always takin' long? Fuck this! I'm out.
- Hey! - What're you doin'?! I didn't sign up to play cards.
Weeks we've been out here with nothing to show for it.
I should have 20 kills by now, at least.
Yeah, maybe Captain's tryin' a new kind of slow pirating.
On your feet for your captain! What we're about to do will be perilous! Very perilous! Some of us won't be coming back.
Others may be wounded.
Still others may come back looking totally fine but in reality, be mentally devastated by what they've witnessed.
So if that's the case, what'll we do? Anyone? C'mon! Something I've always encouraged.
- Um, bottle it up? - No, Frenchie! No, that's the worst thing you could do.
No? Sorry.
Other suggestions? - Yes.
- We talk about it.
Exactly.
'Member the rhyme? "If someone returns from the raid mentally devastated, "we talk it through as a - Crew.
- crew.
" Because that's what we do here on "The Revenge.
" Approachin' the vessel, Cap'n! Right! This is it! Places everyone! Look scary! Ahoy! Surrender! You have no chance of escape! Yeah, that was a warning shot.
Now, prepare to be boarded, curs! All right.
No, just lift your leg up, Captain.
There you go.
Raid commenced! Ooh, ahh! Ooh, gosh! Is it meant to be this shaky?! Can you two down there just hold the bottom? Keep it straight, if you can.
Ahh! Thank you.
My name's Stede.
I'll be your robber here today.
Oh! Fish, okay, ah! What's back here? We're just fishermen! A-ha! What's this?! Some men are born to be pirate captains.
Others learn on the job.
Watch my buttons! Me? Well, I'm a pretty solid mix of both.
Yes! Tell them what happened here today! - Take care of the plant.
- Adios! Good luck with your fishing! Really fills the space, doesn't it? Yeah it's fine.
Now, where was I? Um being a pirate captain.
Ah, yes.
Now, every pirate captain captains pirates differently.
Traditionally, piracy is a culture of abuse Floggings, keelhaulings.
And my thought is, "Why?" And also, what if it weren't like that? For example, if your average pirate doesn't steal, he doesn't eat.
That's a lot of mental pressure.
So I pay my crew a salary.
Same wage every week, no matter what.
Course, it took them a while to come 'round to the idea, but I've included some amenities on the ship that I think will please them.
Rec center.
Out! What is this fuckin' game?! Fuck! State-of-the-art en suite.
Non-humans.
The ballroom.
Jam room.
And, of course, a full library.
The crew is free to borrow books whenever.
So far, you're the only one to take me up on it.
Well, I'm the only crew member who can read.
That's not Is that true? Ooh.
All right, come on.
Here it is.
The spoils of battle! Woo-hoo.
- Congratulations on today's raid.
- Big wow.
I do have some notes, though.
Uh, opening speech went well.
Very inspiring.
Uh, oh, yes, I guess the big note is more energy! We're swashbuckling, we're looting.
Let's have fun with it.
Stealing a plant is hardly swashbuckling.
A feckin' disgrace, is what it is.
What was that? Who said that? - Wee John, was that you? - And what it if were? Well, I'd I'd simply ask you to, uh, reframe that criticism as a suggestion.
What's one thing you'd change around here if you could? Well, we don't even have a flag, for one.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Any pirate worth a damn has a flag.
- Mm.
- That's true.
That's right.
They have flags.
Oy! Now, each of you will create a flag.
And we'll vote for the best one, and that will be the official flag for "The Revenge.
" I'm not fuckin' sewing.
- That's women's work.
- Oh, Black Pete, come on now.
You know that's not true.
How many of you sew? - Be honest.
- Sewed my shoulder up once after I'd been stabbed.
Oh! Did you hear that, guys? Roach sewed his own arm up! Sounds to me like sewing can be pretty tough.
So, grab a piece of fabric and have at it! Express yourselves.
- Oh, that's very good.
- Oh, thank you.
- What is it? - It's like a flag extender - Right.
- so it flaps.
Oh, it'll blow in the wind? Interesting, okay.
- Yeah.
- Do you like mine? That's such beautiful material.
Well, don't you look holy.
Oh, thank you.
I used to make dresses with my mother.
And now, you're a pirate.
A lot of the guys are sweethearts deep down.
Hoy, hoy! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Break it up! Swede, get off of him! They're just dealing with a fair amount of trauma.
So, first of all, you should've asked, and, second of all what could you do with your large bit of fabric? Talk about it? - No, shared! You could've shared it.
- Oh.
Creative projects give them a chance to work through it.
And maybe even share a bit of what's going on inside.
Well, guess it's time.
- For what? - To kill Captain.
Hey, come on, mate.
I'm gonna have to sew that up now.
Sorry sorry.
If I can help this crew grow, as people, then I've succeeded in being a pirate captain.
A word, Cap'n? Oh, yes, Mr.
Buttons.
What's on your mind? Everything good? Everythin' is not good.
Mutiny is a-brewin'.
Mutiny? Really? Been on many a ship 'n the nose never lies.
- Stop writing! - Stop I mean it! - Lucius! - Sorry, I'm confused.
You said to record everything, warts and all, - so that's what I'm doin'.
- Well, not this! Just go for a walk.
You think Blackbeard's crew sews? No.
We were too busy killing.
Or, or drinking.
And when we weren't killing or drinking, we were plotting or scheming, or or just, generally, being badasses.
You never sailed with Blackbeard.
Hey, could you pass the black thread, pretty please? Cheers, me dears.
What is that? A, a cat? The flag's supposed to be scary.
Yeah, cats are terrifying.
Everyone knows that.
'Cause they're witches.
And they've got knives in their feet.
Can we forget about the flags for a second, and focus on the mutiny? Mutiny or no, we're gonna need a scary flag aren't we, so Look, the point is we should be pillaging! Mm-hm.
The current management's gotta go.
Who's with me? If we can light him on fire I'm in.
That's one.
Who else? Hey, guys, so, um Buttons told him.
Goddammit! Um, I'm still in, by the way.
Mutiny? Really? I I can't believe it.
Why? I wouldn't take it personal.
It's just that they don't like ye.
- Or the way that ye do things.
- Hmm.
I'm supportive, caring.
- Responsive to their needs.
- See, that may be what's contributin' to the poor overall impression.
What is the overall impression? That yer weak soft-bellied, yella.
- I see.
- Craven, ill-equipped to lead men.
Understood! Thank you.
What I'm hearing is they could do with more structure.
- Perhaps, a firmer hand? - Or an iron fist.
Give 'em somethin' to really stick their teeth inta.
Make them earn their keep.
Know what I'm sayin'? I get it.
Toughen up.
Question, who's gonna be captain if we kill Captain? We vote on it.
And then it will be me 'cause I'm the most experienced.
Fucking no, no, no, no, no.
How 'bout Jim? He looks experienced.
Well, he's a mute, for one, which seems problematic in a leader.
No offense.
I know you're mates.
Oh, no, none taken.
It's true.
Besides, Jim's not too keen on politics anyway, so.
Ooh, how 'bout that one? Is that big? Aye, hard to say for certain, but I expect she's our beauty.
Good, all right.
Should we go for that one? It's the only one I can really see.
Let's do it.
What about you, Oluwande? In or out? Well, I don't really have a problem with the Captain.
He reads us stories at night.
That's one nice thing about him.
If we kill him, we'll never know what happens to the wooden doll who wants to become a real boy.
- Aww.
- None of us can read.
Lucius reads.
But can he do the voices? - Captain does the voices.
- Talk like a wooden boy.
- Do the, uh, the boy voice.
- Oh, no, that's okay.
- Do the wooden boy voice.
- Do the wooden boy voice! Oh, hello.
I'm a little wooden boy, and me, me legs are sticks.
Christ, that was awful.
- He's not the captain.
- Terrible Avast ye! Now, listen up! I gather some of you feel as though we're not real pirates.
Well, here's the deal, buckos.
We have our eyes on a ship.
A big one.
That's right.
A whopper.
And we're goin' to catch up with it forthwith, and kick its ass.
So, any questions? Is it really a big ship this time? - Yes, I just said it was - I'm not asking you, I'm asking him.
Oh.
She is quite impressive, aye.
But can we light it on fire? I'd be disappointed if we didn't.
Yes! Well, I think that worked well.
Aye, they do seem less inclined to murder ye, Captain.
Uh, Mr.
Buttons You don't think it'll actually get that bloody, do you? Well, it's hard to tell.
Raids are like snowflakes.
No two quite alike? Well, no, they almost always end in terrible bloodshed.
Snowflake might not be the best comparison.
- What's that? - Me fangs.
Case I have to chew through some poor fucker's throat.
God! I'm gettin' too old fer the hand-to-hand violence.
Open your eyes, child.
This is what a man's work looks like.
Come! Come with me.
Come on! One day, all this will be yours.
Not 'cause you deserve it or 'cause you've earned it Lord knows you haven't done that.
Because you lucked into it.
What do you suppose that makes you? Fortunate? Fortunate? Oh, no.
A weak-hearted soft-handed lily-livered little rich boy.
That's all you'll ever be, Stede Bonnet! That's all I'll ever be.
All I'll ever be.
Yeah, yes? Oh, uh, hey, Buttons sent us to check in Is everything all right? Like, you're in your pajamas.
No, no.
This is my battle jacket.
Yeah, I find the, uh, the feel of silk very invigorating.
All right, well, we'll leave you to it then.
- Yeah? - Hey! No, come in.
Come in Please, come in.
I was just gonna say, uh, it's actually been a minute since I've, uh, done the old hand-to-hand.
Don't suppose you could give me a refresher? Refresher? Well, Jim's seen the most combat, so is there anything in particular, or you Just the basics should do it.
Oh, that's a kill.
There's a kill.
Another kill.
Oh, there's your balls gone, - and kill.
- Right, that's It's so permanent, isn't it? - Mm.
- A lot of those, which I, I like them, but is there something, perhaps, less so? Like, a stun move? I mean, I suppose if you kind of Yeah, just, if you kind of hit someone at the back there, - you'd knock 'em out.
- Ah.
That, that is a relief.
And does it have to be a sword, or can you use No, anything heavy should do it.
Listen, Captain, you know, if I may You may.
Come on.
Have a seat Please.
- All right, well.
- This is nice.
- Look, Captain - Mm.
You know, piratin' is not for everyone.
- Oh, no, yeah.
- It's a really dangerous lifestyle.
Yeah, some of us thrive on danger, don't we? - Yeah Yeah, but look, - CAPTAIN STEDE: Yeah.
Me and Jim, we don't do this because we like it.
We do it because we don't have any other choice.
Oh, I hear that.
I mean, here we are just the whole band of us.
Killing and having to kill.
I mean, that's having, having to kill.
Oh god.
I've made a mistake.
I'm not a pirate.
I'm an idiot.
Oh god! Oh no! What the hell was that?! It's a warnin' shot, Captain! Finally caught what we've been chasin'.
Why is that ship so big? She's an English Naval warship, turns out.
Ten times as many men, 10 times as many guns.
Have you been cryin'? What?! No no.
Ahh! Don't panic! They're still not moving.
Permission to blow them to hell, Captain? I suppose so, yes.
And we're quite certain they're pirates? Hard to say.
One appears to be a heavyset woman in a silk dressing gown.
Eye.
You can see her there, cowering.
What the devil? Stede? They're sendin' over a tender, Captain.
What?! A tender! Everybody hide! I say, does one of you happen to be Stede Bonnet? What you lookin' at? Get up! We know you're there.
- Get up! - We saw you.
Oh yes.
I'm he.
Hi.
Captain Badminton of His Majesty's Royal Navy sends his regards.
Captain Badminton? - Nigel Badminton? - One and the same.
He's dreadfully sorry about the cannon fire.
He'd like to come aboard and apologize in person.
Over tea.
Not necessary.
I'm afraid he insists.
Does he? - Hey! No! - Uh, well, in that case No! No, no.
That'll be lovely, yes.
Just give us a smidge to tidy up.
We went to boarding school together.
We haven't seen each other since I was 15.
There's too many buttons.
Okay, you are Lord Peter Gravelston, minor royalty from Essex, and you love horse riding.
Next! I'm terribly sorry for firing on you earlier, Stede.
Mm, ancient history.
We easily could've done the same thing.
Exactly.
I mean, thank God you didn't, otherwise, you'd all be dead by now, but You're a wonderful sport.
So tell me about your colorful crew.
What is there to tell? Just a bunch of upper-crust lads trying our hand at the seafaring life.
Right, boys? - More tea, sir? - Uch, no.
Tastes like dishwater.
I'm not surprised.
It's clearly been made by savages.
We were rowdy school chums.
Always playing pranks on one another.
Hmm? Do you remember the day with the rowboat? - The rowboat? - Oh, come on now.
- No, I can't.
- The rowboat.
It was hysterical! Look! It's Baby Bonnet! Get him! Bonnet! Oh! Row, Baby Bonnet! Row! Oh, it was all in good fun, of course.
An initiation of sorts.
Yes, funny, I don't recall it happening to anyone else.
Oh, and there was the time with the horse! When we made you French kiss the horse.
Do you remember? Right, well, this has been quite a blast, but I'm sure you're busy with all your things, the King, and the Navy, and all that.
Not really, no.
It's terribly boring being at sea.
I mean, how many pirate crews can one obliterate before it becomes a bit of a chore? Well, this has been fun and all, but, uh we're actually on a bit of a tight schedule, aren't we? Ah, Stede a darling little ship you've got.
It's so efficient and tiny.
I'd love to see the rest of it.
Would you like a tour? Yes, I would! Wonderful.
We really should be getting back Oh, keep your pants on, Wellington.
We'll be back on our smelly old ship soon enough.
No, really.
Smells of ass and runny cheese on that thing.
Oh, I bet it does.
Good God.
Quite something, isn't it? It is absolutely ridiculous.
I mean, who brings an entire library to sea? Baby Bonnet, that's who.
Oh, it's so perfectly you.
It's so impractical.
I mean, what if there's a storm? Don't all the books fall out? We've managed so far.
To think of the ridiculous rumor going around about you.
Oh? What's that rumor? It's so silly, so outlandish.
Go on.
The rumor is that you left your wife and children Ah.
upended your entire comfortable life Which is your favorite of all the horses? Halifax.
Very pretty and very fast.
- Yes, he's wonderful.
- I like Arthur.
He has kind eyes.
And which is your favorite pig? To become a pirate.
Oh I mean it's true.
- No! - Yeah! You can't! Oh, Baby Bonnet, you do tickle me.
Ah look at this.
Is this a pillowcase? What on Earth is that? - Just a, a flag - Yeah.
From some pirates we met - and killed.
- Why's one skull eating the other? Were they c-cannibals? Who can say? All I know is I wouldn't mess with those guys.
They were super tough.
With a flag like that? Please.
Ah! And this? - Pirates as well? - Oh yeah Those guys were even tougher.
No, they weren't.
Doesn't even make sense.
He's holding his own head.
- That's terrifying.
- Skulls! More skulls! Ooh, this one's vomiting buttons onto a skeleton.
No more buttons.
Ahh! I'm crying.
- I'm sorry.
- It's not that ridiculous.
Oh, it is.
Oh, it is.
Baby Bonnet became a big, bad pirate.
But you were so fat and soft and weak.
- I thought I was slender.
- No, no, no, no.
No, I recall you were a plumper.
And you cried all the time, and liked to pick flowers.
- A little bit.
- Get ready.
Meow.
Truly, you've tangled with some fearsome outlaws.
Actually, everyone knows cats are very evil because they steal children's breath.
Enough interruptions, slave! Your captain may suffer uppity behavior, but not me! Oh my god! Fuck it! Did you hear that? Uh, no.
I didn't hear anything.
- We're under attack.
- Just wait, it might blow over.
Still a coward.
Pathetic.
Pathetic.
Pathetic.
Pathetic.
Pathetic Gah! Ah! Hello? Excuse me? You guys, I need a hand with something in my room.
Quickly! Please! I used the stun move.
Yeah, no, he, he looks pretty stunned.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
It was just an accident.
- This is not happening.
No.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- No.
This is happening, okay? Do you want to live? - That's a tough question.
- I said, "Do you want to live?" I think so! Probably! Well, pull yourself together then.
Yeah, because everyone up there wants you dead! It's true.
Now, do you want the respect of your crew? - That would be nice.
- Then this was no accident.
Okay? You did this intentionally.
- Right.
- On purpose.
On purpose.
Uh I did this.
- On purpose.
- Stabbed him right in the face.
Respect.
You'll never leave here alive, pirate scum! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
What now, Captain? Throw 'em overboard? No.
Get some rope.
All right, come on.
They're, they're leaving? Where's Captain? There he is.
Do you know how hard it is to drive a sword through someone's skull? It's always the quiet ones.
I thought that was fairly badass.
- You got to admit, he pulled it off.
- Pulled what off? Making us dress up like a bunch of fancy boys? Ah, come on.
At least we got some hostages, huh? It won't hurt to give him another day.
We can always kill him the day after.
He's a terrible captain.
We're not exactly the best crew though, are we? Besides, as long as he's around, we're gonna be paid, fed, and we don't even have to work too hard.
He'll be dead soon.
We might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
Would you rather be captained by that? Exactly.
My family's here, now.
At sea.
His wish had come true.
At long last, he'd become a real boy.
The wooden puppet looked down at his legs, his hands, his feet.
Whatever would he tell the woodsman when he came 'round for breakfast? Stupid puppet pulled it off.
Jim? Some dinner.
Good thing, I was starving.
"Morning, Mr.
Woodsman," said the wooden boy, "Don't panic.
I can explain everything.
" Right.
Lights out.
Could we just have one more? I know you love it, but you've got a big day tomorrow, okay? Night-night.