Outmatched (2020) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 [QUIETLY.]
: I can't believe he's still in there getting tested.
It's gonna be fine.
He's a regular kid He's just a little weird.
- I'm not worried.
- Really? Because it seems like you're nervously fixing a perfectly good cabinet door.
It is not perfectly good.
It has actually been broken since I nervously ripped it off.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Bennett, I have great news.
Marc's IQ is off the charts.
He's gifted.
- No! - Damn it to hell! I'm sorry, but did you hear what I just said? Your son is a prodigy.
This is wonderful.
We know the drill.
We've already been through this.
Twice.
[SPEAKING FRENCH.]
- English.
- Please tell your son you promised me the dining room for my hyper-polyglot meeting, not for his juvenile food nonsense.
Molecular gastronomy is not juvenile.
It's science you can eat.
The smoke in this jar is a whole Thanksgiving dinner.
No one cares! You can taste the yams.
See? This is every day.
Well, most people would see three gifted children as a blessing.
Yeah, yeah.
yeah.
Blessed with private school tuition, grant application fees, hazardous waste removal.
Do you know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and see your child drawing your blood for a medical experiment? [WHISPERS.]
: 'Cause I do.
Mother to future mother: you better hope that one turns out more like this one.
Noses are like mouths that eat smells.
[MIKE AND KAY CHUCKLE.]
She's our star.
Okay.
Well, you should also know, Marc actually had the highest score that I ever tested.
I see what's going on here.
How much is it gonna take to make this go away? Honey, honey, honey.
Honey.
It's too late.
He's one of them now.
I will see myself out.
I guess this means I'm gifted.
[KAY SIGHS.]
It's okay, buddy.
We still love you.
Know what it means now that Marc's officially gifted? We can no longer live in denial.
The schools are so cheap in denial.
No.
We're gonna have to pony up for private school.
Or we keep him in public, bump him up to 12th grade.
It'll give us another year to save up.
I mean, sure, he'll be a small senior But that just means the lockers he gets stuffed into will be extra roomy.
Maybe we can tuck him in under the sink tonight to practice.
Ah, yeah, we can't do any of that, 'cause we love him.
And we don't want a true crime podcast made about us.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Oh, God.
You look handsome.
What are you doing at work today? Building a window seat for the Jasters' bedroom.
Why? I'm just interested in you.
But now that we're asking questions, when the tester said that Marc's FISC score was the highest she's ever tested, that's only because she didn't test me.
Right? Uh-uh, no.
I-I am not playing this game.
We don't tell any of you your IQs.
It's okay.
I already know my score was higher than Brian's.
Oh, God, I know you're trying to trick me, but I don't know how.
Kay? Kay! She wants to know their FISC scores.
No chance.
There's already enough ego and competition in this house.
Thanks a lot, Mike! It's not even 8:00 a.
m.
, and we've already been assaulted and lost our dining room to a science experiment.
This does not bode well.
Right.
- Because "bode" means - Look good.
- It doesn't look good.
- I know what it means.
- I know the word.
- You do not! You don't know - what it means.
- It's one of my favorite words.
- Mommy, I have a question.
- Yeah, honey? If Brian's a genius, and Nicole's a genius, and now Marc's a genius, am I a genius? Well, you have a lot of good qualities, but, um, do you want to be a genius? No.
I want to be a waffle.
You'd be delicious.
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing with that? I'm developing an opera about Sacco and Vanzetti, two Italian anarchists in 1921 who were put to death.
Neato.
- Basement? - Basement.
I don't know what to do anymore.
It's sad.
I don't feel like I can relate to our kids at all.
- I know.
They're so weird.
- Yeah.
And they're only getting weirder.
I mean, where does it end? Today it's opera, next it could be I don't know what's worse than opera, but I'm worried our three kids will invent it, and we'll have to go to it.
And they've taken over the whole house.
I mean, th-this is all that we have left.
Our monument to simpler, dumber times.
Remember when I reeled that guy in at Spencer's Gifts? I used to think this basement is where our kids would sneak down to smoke pot.
And now we do.
Maybe we just did everything wrong.
No, the problem is we did everything right.
We nurtured their gifts and encouraged their natural curiosity.
- Man, that was dumb.
- Yeah.
- I mean, look where it got us.
- Yeah.
You know, at this point, I would just settle for, like, a regular day where I don't need Google Translate to find out if I've been insulted.
Or where we bring home an animal as a pet, - and not to dissect.
- Or to clone.
Oh, the cloning's the worst.
When they look at you, you know that they know they're a mistake.
All I want is one day of normal.
We need it.
The kids definitely need it.
I mean, I love them.
I don't want them to grow into super weirdos.
All right, so let's do it.
We just gotta think of a way to get them on board.
Oh Are you even still No, I was thinking we need more snacks down here.
I don't really get your problem.
If you want your kids to have a normal day, just force 'em.
You can't force your kids to be normal.
But you could bully 'em.
You used to be a great bully in high school.
Yeah, but I'm different now.
I've got 21.
Oh, look who can count.
Here, man.
Dang.
See? You still got it.
Mike doesn't like it when I bully people, though.
It reminds him of his bully in high school me.
But you're outnumbered over there now.
You're gonna have to do whatever it takes to tilt the odds back into the house's favor.
Yeah, I gotta stop being nice - about it for their own good.
- Thank you.
- You know what I'm gonna do? - What? Tomorrow, I am forcing them to go somewhere that is fun, dumb and taught me everything I know.
- The boardwalk? - That's right.
We're gonna do the Tilt-A-Whirl, and eat funnel cake and ride the log flume until we throw up a bunch of funnel cake.
But I need the time to work on my opera.
I've been a genius for a day and have accomplished nothing.
Tomorrow, you will accomplish whacking moles and winning cheap stuffed animals, like we're a normal family.
That doesn't sound normal.
It sounds trashy.
We live in Atlantic City.
Normal is trashy.
I think it sounds fun.
Why? No, seriously, is it okay if I bring a friend? Yes! Yes, of course.
That's such a normal thing to do.
He's got a friend, just like the kids in the movies.
Hey, and if it gets you guys more excited about it, you are welcome to bring friends, too.
My best friend's already coming.
Hey, Dad.
No! Stay back.
I know you're just gonna try to trick me into spilling your IQs.
No, I was just coming over to borrow the sunscreen.
Someone's paranoid.
Sorry.
It's a side effect of the medication I'm vaping.
Yeah, no, we're all good.
Mom told me Marc's score, so Yeah.
No chance.
No, really, she did.
She told me he scored a 142.
See, I know that's not true, 'cause he scored a 156.
Damn it.
Kay! I love you, Daddy.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
Can you believe it? All of the kids are actually ready.
I even got Marc to wear swim trunks.
I mean, he called them "water khakis," but whatever, he's wearing them.
So, as soon as Brian's friend gets here, we can leave.
It is such a relief.
I am so happy to know this family isn't so far gone we can't have one normal day around here.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hi, Mrs.
Bennett.
- Can I help you? - Stu-Stu! - Bri-Bri! [BOTH SQUAWKING.]
BOTH: Dab! What is happening? I think we just met Brian's friend.
So, you're the friend Brian is bringing on our "normal" family day.
[CHUCKLES.]
How exactly do you two know each other? From the Astronomical Society message boards.
And I know what you're thinking.
"How are these two friends?" I mean, he does computational physics, and I do theoretical physics.
Like, what? [LAUGHS.]
But I can't thank you enough for inviting me, Mr.
and Mrs.
Bennett.
Mike and Kay would probably be less awkward for everyone.
- Well, Mike - I was wrong.
[STU CLEARS THROAT.]
I've just been so stressed waiting to hear about the application for the Princeton Physics Fellowship.
A day at the beach is exactly what I need.
If we're not leaving, I'm taking off my ocean slacks.
BOTH: Not in front of Stu! I mean, uh, yes, yes, we are leaving, but, um Your mom and I just need to talk to Brian alone for a minute.
Oh, FYI, I have a severe nut allergy.
Here is my EpiPen.
It's better if you hold it.
I always lose it, and I will need it.
[SIGHS.]
Listen, Bri, about your friend.
Stu can't come.
Your dad and I talked about it.
I've been with you two since he got here.
How'd you "talk" about it? - With our eyes.
- We can do that.
You're both such hypocrites.
You're always telling me that I should try and make more friends.
We meant normal friends.
The good kind who introduce you to drugs and alcohol.
People your own age.
People my own age are boring and vapid.
All they do is make penis jokes and Rick and Morty references.
God, people his age sound awesome.
We're just trying to have one normal day around here.
Yeah, and-and Stu seems like a lot of things, but normal ain't one of them.
Sorry, Bri.
Well, then, I'm sorry, too, 'cause if Stu can't go, then I don't go, either.
Oh, no, no.
We make the threats in this house, buddy.
And you are coming or else I will walk in there and taint your results.
Do not make me taint.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, come on, man.
Your mom just said "taint.
" Laugh.
Be a kid.
Go on, Mom.
Might as well.
Who needs to prove a quantum vacuum in the universe when there's one right here in my heart? What are we doing about Stu? Look, I am happy Brian has a friend, but we are not bringing a random 35-year-old man to the boardwalk.
You're supposed to meet random 35-year-old men at the boardwalk.
We were different in high school.
Will you help me problem-solve? You do what you do to think, I do what I do to think.
Maybe we just bring him.
This way we can drink, and he'll drive us home.
Yeah.
Drive us home.
Carry us upstairs.
Take off our skin.
Okay, there is no way that guy can carry us upstairs.
Just trying to find the upside here.
We don't need an upside.
We need a solution.
And he gave us the solution when he gave us the EpiPen.
Hello, my deadly, honey-roasted friend.
Okay, we are not murdering Stu.
You know what? [CLEARS THROAT.]
I think I might know a way where Stu doesn't come and Brian doesn't hate us for it.
- What are you doing? - Avoiding a murder charge for my wife.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello, Stu? Hi.
This is Doctor, uh, Doctorman from the Princeton Physics Fellowship.
Excellent news.
You've been accepted.
STU: Oh, my God, it's happening! Uh, we need you to come down to the campus as soon as possible No time to say bye.
You have a lovely home.
I got a dream to live.
I know it's kind of weird, but I'm actually kind of happy for him.
[CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
All right, everybody.
Boardwalk ti What the hell's going on here? I'm helping Marc with his Oprah.
So, what, now you're too smart for paper? Big ideas require a big canvas.
What if someone had told Michelangelo he couldn't draw on the ceiling? That's ridiculous.
He lived in a sewer.
We're not talking about the Ninja Turtle, are we? We're never talking about the Ninja Turtle.
- You should get Nicole.
- Yep.
You had to drag your poor sister into this? It's a privilege for the proletariat to service the needs of the elite.
[SIGHS.]
How did I give birth to Wikipedia? I'm a proto lariat.
MIKE: Nicole! Come on, we're "Question six: Fluid Reasoning.
" Young lady, are you taking a test behind our backs? Yeah, I found a site online to take the FISC.
I know Marc's score.
Now I need to crush him.
No, you don't.
- Now turn that off.
- No! This is the only way for me to credibly exert intellectual dominance over this family.
I will not be a Salieri in my own home.
I don't know what any of that means! - I'm taking this.
- Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was gonna storm off with this, but it's probably easier if you just leave.
[NICOLE SCOFFS.]
Slam the door behind you.
Thank you.
Okay.
I tried bullying, but I don't think it worked.
Can you go talk to her and get her to like me again? We got bigger problems.
Stupid Princeton.
I applied to the same fellowship as Stu, which means he got in and I didn't.
I'm never leaving this house again.
Uh, I-I'm sure Princeton just hasn't gotten around to calling you yet.
They're probably calling alphabetically.
His last name is Zycam.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- If the EpiPen fits.
KAY: Look, Brian, here's the truth Y-You got into the program! [LAUGHS.]
- What? - Yeah.
Wait.
Are you guys just saying that so I'll go to the boardwalk? How come I never got a call? Because they sent a letter.
I want to see it.
Of course.
Honey? Sure.
I'll go get it.
It was, uh, Dr.
Doctorman, was it? And in the meantime, why don't you go and get changed MARC: Viva l'anarchia! - I'm just gonna ignore that.
- [LOUD CLATTERING.]
Okay, that I can't ignore.
MIKE: Oh, my God.
Why are you destroying everything? I'm teaching Leila the concept of anarchy.
Oh No, no, no.
- And I'm learning! - No Okay.
All right, enough anarchy.
Time to clean up.
Come on.
- NICOLE: 151? - Oh, God, what now? I scored five points lower than Marc? We unplugged your computer.
How did you even finish the test? I know how to build a computer.
I'm not an idiot.
I am so sorry, but your father accidentally shredded the Oh, my God, what is happening now? How could you? You've known for years I'm just a 151 and never told me? She took a FISC test.
Okay.
Okay, relax.
That test isn't even right.
When you took the test the first time, you got a 153.
So I'm getting stupider? - No, no, that's not what I'm saying - What is this? This is not my letter.
This is lyrics for some lame song.
Hey.
"Closing Time" is not lame.
- Come here, come here.
Stop - So you lied to me? There's no letter? I-I don't know what's real anymore.
Exactly.
We're all in a simulation or something that gets me out of this.
Just face it.
We're both dumb and it's their fault.
They're destroying our brain cells with funnel cake.
I am not going to the boardwalk.
Me, neither.
Me, either.
Me, either.
Look what you did! - Hey, come back! - No, it's fine.
Let them go.
This whole thing was a stupid idea anyway.
I'm just gonna go downstairs and take a long, sad bath.
Oh, babe.
W-We don't have a bathtub downstairs.
That's what makes it so sad.
I'm learning! I can't believe I got outfoxed by two boardwalking simpletons.
Hey, show some respect.
Two of you were conceived at the boardwalk.
I am not gonna say which two.
Under the pier, back of the tramcar.
- We're not talking to you.
- Yeah, I-I know.
We shouldn't have lied to you about Princeton.
And, Nicole, maybe you're right.
Maybe we should've told you your IQs a long time ago.
Honestly, I don't know.
There aren't many books written about how to raise three genius kids.
Well, a-actually there are.
They're just super long.
All your mom and I can do is wing it and try our best.
We sacrifice our time, our money, our walls [SIGHS.]
to give you guys every chance to make the most of your gifts.
And today, all Mom wanted in return was four hours.
And I actually thought you guys were mature enough to do it.
I guess not.
You know, for as smart as you guys are, you're just a bunch of dummies.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Is he mad? It feels like he's mad, but he didn't yell.
It doesn't make sense.
It's just the beach.
What's the big deal? I guess Mom just wanted to do something she likes for a change, since it's her birthday.
- What? - It's Mom's birthday? Uh-huh.
I-I thought it was in March.
Or October? I didn't even know Mom had a birthday.
She has one every year.
Stars, they're just like us.
How could we not remember this? We're so self-obsessed we can't even remember our own mother's birthday.
Except for Leila.
I'm a proto lariat.
So, what do we do now? You know, I actually thought today was going to be fun.
Maybe we'll try again at some point.
Think the boardwalk will still be there in ten years? Not if Brian's climate change models are right.
But this might make you feel better.
Look who I got working again.
[SINGING "TAKE ME TO THE RIVER".]
Oh! Holy hell! [DISTORTING.]
: Take me to the river I lost the only son I ever understood.
LEILA: Mommy! Marc was standing on the chair writing his Oprah and then he fell and is screaming a lot.
Can we get a new brother? What happened to the tarp? [PIANO PLAYING.]
This is opera? It's not so bad.
[KAY GASPS.]
What is all this? We know we screwed up and missed the chance to go to the boardwalk, so we brought the boardwalk here.
And we ordered funnel cakes.
Luckily, I already had the UV lights for my experiment, so we're getting the same amount of cancer we'd get from being outside.
We're sorry about the way we acted today.
- Happy birthday, Mom.
- We love you.
[LAUGHS.]
: Thank you, this is so sweet.
This is so bizarre.
Why do they think it's my birthday? [WHISPERS.]
: Daddy told me to tell them.
It's called a scheme.
You outsmarted the smart ones.
Score one for the dummies.
Yep.
I used guilt.
It's bullying from the heart.
But I did not expect them to do all this.
Well, I love it.
I just don't know how you're gonna top this for my real birthday.
Oh, no, this is your birthday now.
- Oh.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Who is that? - No clue.
It's been the same number calling for hours.
It's probably spam.
I am just gonna turn it off.
KAY: Okay, my turn! Hey, it's Mike, leave a message.
Hi, Doctor Doctorman, this is Stu, again.
Uh, I've been outside the physics building for a few hours.
It's locked, but I won't move until I hear from you.
: I can't believe he's still in there getting tested.
It's gonna be fine.
He's a regular kid He's just a little weird.
- I'm not worried.
- Really? Because it seems like you're nervously fixing a perfectly good cabinet door.
It is not perfectly good.
It has actually been broken since I nervously ripped it off.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Bennett, I have great news.
Marc's IQ is off the charts.
He's gifted.
- No! - Damn it to hell! I'm sorry, but did you hear what I just said? Your son is a prodigy.
This is wonderful.
We know the drill.
We've already been through this.
Twice.
[SPEAKING FRENCH.]
- English.
- Please tell your son you promised me the dining room for my hyper-polyglot meeting, not for his juvenile food nonsense.
Molecular gastronomy is not juvenile.
It's science you can eat.
The smoke in this jar is a whole Thanksgiving dinner.
No one cares! You can taste the yams.
See? This is every day.
Well, most people would see three gifted children as a blessing.
Yeah, yeah.
yeah.
Blessed with private school tuition, grant application fees, hazardous waste removal.
Do you know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and see your child drawing your blood for a medical experiment? [WHISPERS.]
: 'Cause I do.
Mother to future mother: you better hope that one turns out more like this one.
Noses are like mouths that eat smells.
[MIKE AND KAY CHUCKLE.]
She's our star.
Okay.
Well, you should also know, Marc actually had the highest score that I ever tested.
I see what's going on here.
How much is it gonna take to make this go away? Honey, honey, honey.
Honey.
It's too late.
He's one of them now.
I will see myself out.
I guess this means I'm gifted.
[KAY SIGHS.]
It's okay, buddy.
We still love you.
Know what it means now that Marc's officially gifted? We can no longer live in denial.
The schools are so cheap in denial.
No.
We're gonna have to pony up for private school.
Or we keep him in public, bump him up to 12th grade.
It'll give us another year to save up.
I mean, sure, he'll be a small senior But that just means the lockers he gets stuffed into will be extra roomy.
Maybe we can tuck him in under the sink tonight to practice.
Ah, yeah, we can't do any of that, 'cause we love him.
And we don't want a true crime podcast made about us.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Oh, God.
You look handsome.
What are you doing at work today? Building a window seat for the Jasters' bedroom.
Why? I'm just interested in you.
But now that we're asking questions, when the tester said that Marc's FISC score was the highest she's ever tested, that's only because she didn't test me.
Right? Uh-uh, no.
I-I am not playing this game.
We don't tell any of you your IQs.
It's okay.
I already know my score was higher than Brian's.
Oh, God, I know you're trying to trick me, but I don't know how.
Kay? Kay! She wants to know their FISC scores.
No chance.
There's already enough ego and competition in this house.
Thanks a lot, Mike! It's not even 8:00 a.
m.
, and we've already been assaulted and lost our dining room to a science experiment.
This does not bode well.
Right.
- Because "bode" means - Look good.
- It doesn't look good.
- I know what it means.
- I know the word.
- You do not! You don't know - what it means.
- It's one of my favorite words.
- Mommy, I have a question.
- Yeah, honey? If Brian's a genius, and Nicole's a genius, and now Marc's a genius, am I a genius? Well, you have a lot of good qualities, but, um, do you want to be a genius? No.
I want to be a waffle.
You'd be delicious.
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing with that? I'm developing an opera about Sacco and Vanzetti, two Italian anarchists in 1921 who were put to death.
Neato.
- Basement? - Basement.
I don't know what to do anymore.
It's sad.
I don't feel like I can relate to our kids at all.
- I know.
They're so weird.
- Yeah.
And they're only getting weirder.
I mean, where does it end? Today it's opera, next it could be I don't know what's worse than opera, but I'm worried our three kids will invent it, and we'll have to go to it.
And they've taken over the whole house.
I mean, th-this is all that we have left.
Our monument to simpler, dumber times.
Remember when I reeled that guy in at Spencer's Gifts? I used to think this basement is where our kids would sneak down to smoke pot.
And now we do.
Maybe we just did everything wrong.
No, the problem is we did everything right.
We nurtured their gifts and encouraged their natural curiosity.
- Man, that was dumb.
- Yeah.
- I mean, look where it got us.
- Yeah.
You know, at this point, I would just settle for, like, a regular day where I don't need Google Translate to find out if I've been insulted.
Or where we bring home an animal as a pet, - and not to dissect.
- Or to clone.
Oh, the cloning's the worst.
When they look at you, you know that they know they're a mistake.
All I want is one day of normal.
We need it.
The kids definitely need it.
I mean, I love them.
I don't want them to grow into super weirdos.
All right, so let's do it.
We just gotta think of a way to get them on board.
Oh Are you even still No, I was thinking we need more snacks down here.
I don't really get your problem.
If you want your kids to have a normal day, just force 'em.
You can't force your kids to be normal.
But you could bully 'em.
You used to be a great bully in high school.
Yeah, but I'm different now.
I've got 21.
Oh, look who can count.
Here, man.
Dang.
See? You still got it.
Mike doesn't like it when I bully people, though.
It reminds him of his bully in high school me.
But you're outnumbered over there now.
You're gonna have to do whatever it takes to tilt the odds back into the house's favor.
Yeah, I gotta stop being nice - about it for their own good.
- Thank you.
- You know what I'm gonna do? - What? Tomorrow, I am forcing them to go somewhere that is fun, dumb and taught me everything I know.
- The boardwalk? - That's right.
We're gonna do the Tilt-A-Whirl, and eat funnel cake and ride the log flume until we throw up a bunch of funnel cake.
But I need the time to work on my opera.
I've been a genius for a day and have accomplished nothing.
Tomorrow, you will accomplish whacking moles and winning cheap stuffed animals, like we're a normal family.
That doesn't sound normal.
It sounds trashy.
We live in Atlantic City.
Normal is trashy.
I think it sounds fun.
Why? No, seriously, is it okay if I bring a friend? Yes! Yes, of course.
That's such a normal thing to do.
He's got a friend, just like the kids in the movies.
Hey, and if it gets you guys more excited about it, you are welcome to bring friends, too.
My best friend's already coming.
Hey, Dad.
No! Stay back.
I know you're just gonna try to trick me into spilling your IQs.
No, I was just coming over to borrow the sunscreen.
Someone's paranoid.
Sorry.
It's a side effect of the medication I'm vaping.
Yeah, no, we're all good.
Mom told me Marc's score, so Yeah.
No chance.
No, really, she did.
She told me he scored a 142.
See, I know that's not true, 'cause he scored a 156.
Damn it.
Kay! I love you, Daddy.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
Can you believe it? All of the kids are actually ready.
I even got Marc to wear swim trunks.
I mean, he called them "water khakis," but whatever, he's wearing them.
So, as soon as Brian's friend gets here, we can leave.
It is such a relief.
I am so happy to know this family isn't so far gone we can't have one normal day around here.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hi, Mrs.
Bennett.
- Can I help you? - Stu-Stu! - Bri-Bri! [BOTH SQUAWKING.]
BOTH: Dab! What is happening? I think we just met Brian's friend.
So, you're the friend Brian is bringing on our "normal" family day.
[CHUCKLES.]
How exactly do you two know each other? From the Astronomical Society message boards.
And I know what you're thinking.
"How are these two friends?" I mean, he does computational physics, and I do theoretical physics.
Like, what? [LAUGHS.]
But I can't thank you enough for inviting me, Mr.
and Mrs.
Bennett.
Mike and Kay would probably be less awkward for everyone.
- Well, Mike - I was wrong.
[STU CLEARS THROAT.]
I've just been so stressed waiting to hear about the application for the Princeton Physics Fellowship.
A day at the beach is exactly what I need.
If we're not leaving, I'm taking off my ocean slacks.
BOTH: Not in front of Stu! I mean, uh, yes, yes, we are leaving, but, um Your mom and I just need to talk to Brian alone for a minute.
Oh, FYI, I have a severe nut allergy.
Here is my EpiPen.
It's better if you hold it.
I always lose it, and I will need it.
[SIGHS.]
Listen, Bri, about your friend.
Stu can't come.
Your dad and I talked about it.
I've been with you two since he got here.
How'd you "talk" about it? - With our eyes.
- We can do that.
You're both such hypocrites.
You're always telling me that I should try and make more friends.
We meant normal friends.
The good kind who introduce you to drugs and alcohol.
People your own age.
People my own age are boring and vapid.
All they do is make penis jokes and Rick and Morty references.
God, people his age sound awesome.
We're just trying to have one normal day around here.
Yeah, and-and Stu seems like a lot of things, but normal ain't one of them.
Sorry, Bri.
Well, then, I'm sorry, too, 'cause if Stu can't go, then I don't go, either.
Oh, no, no.
We make the threats in this house, buddy.
And you are coming or else I will walk in there and taint your results.
Do not make me taint.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, come on, man.
Your mom just said "taint.
" Laugh.
Be a kid.
Go on, Mom.
Might as well.
Who needs to prove a quantum vacuum in the universe when there's one right here in my heart? What are we doing about Stu? Look, I am happy Brian has a friend, but we are not bringing a random 35-year-old man to the boardwalk.
You're supposed to meet random 35-year-old men at the boardwalk.
We were different in high school.
Will you help me problem-solve? You do what you do to think, I do what I do to think.
Maybe we just bring him.
This way we can drink, and he'll drive us home.
Yeah.
Drive us home.
Carry us upstairs.
Take off our skin.
Okay, there is no way that guy can carry us upstairs.
Just trying to find the upside here.
We don't need an upside.
We need a solution.
And he gave us the solution when he gave us the EpiPen.
Hello, my deadly, honey-roasted friend.
Okay, we are not murdering Stu.
You know what? [CLEARS THROAT.]
I think I might know a way where Stu doesn't come and Brian doesn't hate us for it.
- What are you doing? - Avoiding a murder charge for my wife.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello, Stu? Hi.
This is Doctor, uh, Doctorman from the Princeton Physics Fellowship.
Excellent news.
You've been accepted.
STU: Oh, my God, it's happening! Uh, we need you to come down to the campus as soon as possible No time to say bye.
You have a lovely home.
I got a dream to live.
I know it's kind of weird, but I'm actually kind of happy for him.
[CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
All right, everybody.
Boardwalk ti What the hell's going on here? I'm helping Marc with his Oprah.
So, what, now you're too smart for paper? Big ideas require a big canvas.
What if someone had told Michelangelo he couldn't draw on the ceiling? That's ridiculous.
He lived in a sewer.
We're not talking about the Ninja Turtle, are we? We're never talking about the Ninja Turtle.
- You should get Nicole.
- Yep.
You had to drag your poor sister into this? It's a privilege for the proletariat to service the needs of the elite.
[SIGHS.]
How did I give birth to Wikipedia? I'm a proto lariat.
MIKE: Nicole! Come on, we're "Question six: Fluid Reasoning.
" Young lady, are you taking a test behind our backs? Yeah, I found a site online to take the FISC.
I know Marc's score.
Now I need to crush him.
No, you don't.
- Now turn that off.
- No! This is the only way for me to credibly exert intellectual dominance over this family.
I will not be a Salieri in my own home.
I don't know what any of that means! - I'm taking this.
- Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was gonna storm off with this, but it's probably easier if you just leave.
[NICOLE SCOFFS.]
Slam the door behind you.
Thank you.
Okay.
I tried bullying, but I don't think it worked.
Can you go talk to her and get her to like me again? We got bigger problems.
Stupid Princeton.
I applied to the same fellowship as Stu, which means he got in and I didn't.
I'm never leaving this house again.
Uh, I-I'm sure Princeton just hasn't gotten around to calling you yet.
They're probably calling alphabetically.
His last name is Zycam.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- If the EpiPen fits.
KAY: Look, Brian, here's the truth Y-You got into the program! [LAUGHS.]
- What? - Yeah.
Wait.
Are you guys just saying that so I'll go to the boardwalk? How come I never got a call? Because they sent a letter.
I want to see it.
Of course.
Honey? Sure.
I'll go get it.
It was, uh, Dr.
Doctorman, was it? And in the meantime, why don't you go and get changed MARC: Viva l'anarchia! - I'm just gonna ignore that.
- [LOUD CLATTERING.]
Okay, that I can't ignore.
MIKE: Oh, my God.
Why are you destroying everything? I'm teaching Leila the concept of anarchy.
Oh No, no, no.
- And I'm learning! - No Okay.
All right, enough anarchy.
Time to clean up.
Come on.
- NICOLE: 151? - Oh, God, what now? I scored five points lower than Marc? We unplugged your computer.
How did you even finish the test? I know how to build a computer.
I'm not an idiot.
I am so sorry, but your father accidentally shredded the Oh, my God, what is happening now? How could you? You've known for years I'm just a 151 and never told me? She took a FISC test.
Okay.
Okay, relax.
That test isn't even right.
When you took the test the first time, you got a 153.
So I'm getting stupider? - No, no, that's not what I'm saying - What is this? This is not my letter.
This is lyrics for some lame song.
Hey.
"Closing Time" is not lame.
- Come here, come here.
Stop - So you lied to me? There's no letter? I-I don't know what's real anymore.
Exactly.
We're all in a simulation or something that gets me out of this.
Just face it.
We're both dumb and it's their fault.
They're destroying our brain cells with funnel cake.
I am not going to the boardwalk.
Me, neither.
Me, either.
Me, either.
Look what you did! - Hey, come back! - No, it's fine.
Let them go.
This whole thing was a stupid idea anyway.
I'm just gonna go downstairs and take a long, sad bath.
Oh, babe.
W-We don't have a bathtub downstairs.
That's what makes it so sad.
I'm learning! I can't believe I got outfoxed by two boardwalking simpletons.
Hey, show some respect.
Two of you were conceived at the boardwalk.
I am not gonna say which two.
Under the pier, back of the tramcar.
- We're not talking to you.
- Yeah, I-I know.
We shouldn't have lied to you about Princeton.
And, Nicole, maybe you're right.
Maybe we should've told you your IQs a long time ago.
Honestly, I don't know.
There aren't many books written about how to raise three genius kids.
Well, a-actually there are.
They're just super long.
All your mom and I can do is wing it and try our best.
We sacrifice our time, our money, our walls [SIGHS.]
to give you guys every chance to make the most of your gifts.
And today, all Mom wanted in return was four hours.
And I actually thought you guys were mature enough to do it.
I guess not.
You know, for as smart as you guys are, you're just a bunch of dummies.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Is he mad? It feels like he's mad, but he didn't yell.
It doesn't make sense.
It's just the beach.
What's the big deal? I guess Mom just wanted to do something she likes for a change, since it's her birthday.
- What? - It's Mom's birthday? Uh-huh.
I-I thought it was in March.
Or October? I didn't even know Mom had a birthday.
She has one every year.
Stars, they're just like us.
How could we not remember this? We're so self-obsessed we can't even remember our own mother's birthday.
Except for Leila.
I'm a proto lariat.
So, what do we do now? You know, I actually thought today was going to be fun.
Maybe we'll try again at some point.
Think the boardwalk will still be there in ten years? Not if Brian's climate change models are right.
But this might make you feel better.
Look who I got working again.
[SINGING "TAKE ME TO THE RIVER".]
Oh! Holy hell! [DISTORTING.]
: Take me to the river I lost the only son I ever understood.
LEILA: Mommy! Marc was standing on the chair writing his Oprah and then he fell and is screaming a lot.
Can we get a new brother? What happened to the tarp? [PIANO PLAYING.]
This is opera? It's not so bad.
[KAY GASPS.]
What is all this? We know we screwed up and missed the chance to go to the boardwalk, so we brought the boardwalk here.
And we ordered funnel cakes.
Luckily, I already had the UV lights for my experiment, so we're getting the same amount of cancer we'd get from being outside.
We're sorry about the way we acted today.
- Happy birthday, Mom.
- We love you.
[LAUGHS.]
: Thank you, this is so sweet.
This is so bizarre.
Why do they think it's my birthday? [WHISPERS.]
: Daddy told me to tell them.
It's called a scheme.
You outsmarted the smart ones.
Score one for the dummies.
Yep.
I used guilt.
It's bullying from the heart.
But I did not expect them to do all this.
Well, I love it.
I just don't know how you're gonna top this for my real birthday.
Oh, no, this is your birthday now.
- Oh.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Who is that? - No clue.
It's been the same number calling for hours.
It's probably spam.
I am just gonna turn it off.
KAY: Okay, my turn! Hey, it's Mike, leave a message.
Hi, Doctor Doctorman, this is Stu, again.
Uh, I've been outside the physics building for a few hours.
It's locked, but I won't move until I hear from you.