Package Deal (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

That was an amazing dinner.
You shouldn't have gone to all the trouble.
Oh, it's no trouble.
And for dessert, something simple-- a lavender-infused creme brulee with a hard sugar shell.
Mm! Now, I'll just caramelize the top.
[Click.]
Impressive.
Not to mention sexy! What about the creme brulee? It's okay.
I'll be hungry later.
Tonight has been amazing.
Oh, this last month has been amazing.
In fact I think it's time we take it to the next level.
Ooh! There's something I've been wanting us to do.
Okay.
Um Can we have a safe-word? No! No.
No, I want you to meet my brothers.
Oh, good.
[Door bangs open.]
Sorry, Danny.
Meat emergency.
Ooh! Hey.
You must be Kim.
I'm Ryan.
That's Sheldon.
It's really nice to "Meet" you.
[Chuckles.]
What's going on? I got 80 pounds of Chuck I gotta unload.
Couldn't meet my sales quota.
[Meat thudding.]
Can't you do this later? Sorry, dude.
Sales are down.
People are looking out for their health.
Yeah, that's why I've been eating salmon.
Are you serious? You know how polluted the oceans are? Salmons are turds with fins.
[Thump.]
Very romantic, guys.
Now get out! Really nice meeting you.
[Door bangs.]
So, those are your brothers? You're gonna love them.
Sorry about last night, Danny.
Meat is such a cruel mistress.
Don't worry, it took a little while, but I got us back on track.
It bet it was my four-layer lasagna.
Who cares about your lasagna? It's the creme brulee that gets them hot.
That's a culinary tool, not a sex toy.
Gotta admit, you were right.
I told ya.
It's the fire.
Makes the chicks all nervous.
They don't know why.
That fear turns into arousal.
There's nothing more masculine than a flambe.
Look, guys.
There's something I need to talk to you about.
I want you to meet Kim.
Really? Again? Do we have that much more to talk about? I mean properly.
Look, Kim is awesome.
Trust me, you're gonna love her.
Didn't you say that about your last girlfriend? "Snaggle-tooth"? Brooke.
And "poodle-hair"? Natalie.
And the Hebrew teacher with the really bad skin.
Rivka.
And, frankly, that could've been something if you didn't keep interrogating her about her cleansing routine.
Come on, man! Who uses bar soap? Look, Kim is different, okay? I think she could be the one.
One what? You know, "the one.
" Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, little bro.
Are you trying to tell me that you used my creme brulee secret to get into some kind of a relationship? I told you! That was strictly for getting you laid.
Look, I know how disappointed you must be, but sometimes these things happen.
Look, Kim is really special to me.
Fine, we'll meet her.
Who would like a nice juicy t-bone? [Thud.]
Dude, those are frozen solid.
Don't worry.
This pound puppy isn't just for melting the chicks.
Relax! Your opening statement this morning was great.
It was thorough.
It was well-argued.
Very impressive.
Coming from you, that means a lot.
You've worked with some of the best lawyers in the city.
Well, when you've been in court as often as I have, you, uh, develop an eye for talent.
I was worried about that statement.
You know, I've been pretty distracted by Kim lately.
Yeah.
Love.
It makes you temporarily insane.
You really were listening to my opening.
The truth is, I'm just nervous to introduce her to my brothers.
Why? Does she have bad skin, like that last young lady I met? No.
She's great.
Then I don't see the problem.
Well, maybe there isn't one.
It's just, I really like Kim.
Oh! So you think she could be the one, huh? Well, maybe.
How do you know? Oh, there are signs.
When you're with her, your heart skips a beat, when you're not with her, you think about her, wondering what she's doing, who she's doing it with, following her at night Rooting through her underwear drawer Allegedly.
- Oh! Yeah.
- Yeah.
The point is, I'm sure your brothers will come to like her.
Okay? But even if they don't, isn't it more important that you and I like her? Of course.
Absolutely.
You're right.
You know, you're a wise man.
Yep.
Wise, but crazy.
Don't forget the crazy.
I'm so glad we got to do this.
Dan talks about you two all the time.
Who? Dan.
You mean Danny? She calls me Dan.
[Laughs briefly.]
I named you Danny.
Mom let me! So, where are you from, Kimberly? Well, I'm from Los Angeles.
Really? Huh.
My wife and I used to vacation in Santa Barbara.
Oh.
That must've been nice.
Oh, sure, take her side.
He's divorced.
My ex is a surgeon! Yeah.
I sacrificed everything so she could fulfill her dream.
I cooked, I cleaned.
I gave her my body.
Oh, yeah.
And what did I get in return? What was it again? Right! She left me! For the first gastroenterologist who looked her way.
[Sniggers darkly.]
But I'm over it.
[Smush.]
I'm really sorry.
Don't be.
He got a huge settlement.
He was a househusband.
It's like a housewife, but for men with no sack.
So, uh, why'd you leave California? You, uh, on the run? Actually, I moved to go to grad school at u of t and never left.
Would you like the transcripts? Yes.
Have the school send them directly.
Honey, you want a drink? -Yes.
-I do.
-Double.
-Got it.
So, Sheldon, you're a meat salesman? Yes.
I prefer "beef liaison," but, uh, there you go.
Listen, I got three dozen cuts of sirloin in the trunk.
I can give you a sweet deal.
I don't eat meat.
Or things out of a trunk.
Huh.
Danny didn't mention that you were, uh, you know A vegetarian? The enemy.
So, Kim, what do you do when you're not throwing yourself at our brother? Oh, I own a tea shop.
It's called "the loose leaf.
" Oh? You sell coffee? No, it's a "tea" shop.
But you should sell coffee.
Let me get straight to the point.
What are your intentions with our brother? -Intentions? -Yeah.
What are you, his parents? Actually, our parents passed away when "Danny" was 12, so, in a way, yes.
Of course.
He told me all about that.
I didn't mean it in that way.
So you were just being insensitive.
Who's thirsty? - Here.
- I am.
I'll take two.
Oh.
Two? Huh.
We have a drinker.
[Dan.]
: So she doesn't eat meat, it's no reason to hate her.
You'll change your tune once you've experienced your first broccoli-and-cheese dip Dutch oven.
Don't be shallow, okay? I mean, she's well-educated, her tea shop sounds really nice.
She could use a little more ass, though.
First of all, don't look at my girlfriend's ass.
And second of all, seriously, don't look at my girlfriend's ass.
Look, Kim is awesome, okay? She's fun, smart, goofy in a good way, and she's into me.
Who knows what she's into? She's a raging alcoholic! I'm sure Kim has some good qualities.
Thank you! Let's make a list.
No, let's not.
All right.
Kim.
Pros and cons.
Vegetarian.
Con.
That's not a con.
It's ethical.
Snob, con.
Bossy.
Con.
How is she bossy? She changed your name to "Dan.
" I like being called "Dan".
Bad influence.
Con.
Okay, pro-- she's from L.
A.
, which reminds me of my honeymoon.
And my failed marriage.
Con.
How is she in the old sackeroonie? Okay, no, this has gone far enough.
Con.
No! She's amazing.
Like no other woman I've ever been with.
Slut.
Pro.
Add it up.
'Kay.
I'll give her a "C.
" A "c"? That's it? Hey, that's not so bad.
You can get into most trade schools with that.
Congratulations.
You're dating the devry of women.
[Knocking at door.]
You know, I'm really disappointed in you guys.
Kim? What are you doing here? I have a little surprise for you.
Surprise! [Shrieks.]
I didn't see you guys there.
Really? 'Cause we saw most of you.
What if people had been here? Sorry you guys can't stay.
Don't make it a late night.
Yeah.
He's got court in the morning.
Where does he find these girls? Wow.
It's almost like they live here.
Believe me, be glad they don't.
You'd get sick of them pretty quickly.
Now, come here.
You said you had a surprise for me.
What's that? It's nothing.
It's nothing, nothing.
I can see it says "Kim" on it.
- Dan! Dan! - Ooh.
[Dan yelps.]
"Kim.
" Ahem.
"Pros and cons"? Yeah, we were just debating the merits of Kim jong il.
And how he has a small ass? Well, that and his brutal dictatorship.
"Vegetarian.
Con.
" "From California.
Con.
" "Bossy.
Con.
" What? You graded me? Not me.
Of course not.
My brothers did.
And you let them? [Fuming groan.]
"Small head.
Con.
" Wait? What? He did not run that one by me.
[Gasps.]
You were in on this? Believe me, you would've graded much lower if I hadn't have here.
Worse than a "c"? That can get you into most trade schools.
[Groans angrily.]
Oh! Where are you going? To learn computer programming in my spare time.
[Door slams.]
That could've gone so much better.
Because you killed your wife.
Isn't that right? No, it is not.
And I've been accused of murder enough times to know that is speculative.
He is right, counselor.
Mr.
white.
I believe objections are your job, not your client's.
Right.
Of course.
[Emphatically.]
: Objection.
Speculative.
Sustained.
Good work.
Why don't we all take a 10-minute break to regroup? [Gavel bangs.]
Sorry, Mac.
I'm a little out of it.
No need to explain.
Completely understand.
After what you did to Kim, I can't imagine what it must feel like to live with that kind of guilt.
Sorry we're late.
Did we miss the beginning? It's a trial, not a movie.
Yeah, if this was a movie, that judge would be hot.
Ignore Danny.
He's upset about Kim.
Ahh.
Did you explain to her that a "C" is nothing to be embarrassed about? Yeah.
I was a c-student and look at me.
Look, Danny, if you really want to win Kim back, you've got to go all out.
I mean, jewelry, flowers, clothes, a Jaguar convertible with faulty brakes That's a very specific suggestion.
Sorry.
Wrong list.
So, Nikki, you're here for the sales position? I'm sure not here for the tea.
Excuse me.
I'm not interested.
Take them away.
Got a problem with flowers? No, I have a problem with the person who sent them to me.
Long story.
I don't want to bore you with it.
Thank you.
I had a fight with my boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend, I guess.
We just had very different views on how our relationship should work, you know? Mm.
Been there.
Got the restraining orders to prove it.
Really? Against him or you? Does it matter? Excuse me.
Uh, just Throw it in the garbage! No, wait.
It's so cute.
Find it a good home.
Sorry about that.
What'd this guy do? Cut up your clothes and throw you out on the street? [Absently.]
: Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
No! Nothing like that! It's not even about Dan, it's his brothers.
They're overbearing and just weird.
They even graded me.
What'd they give you? An "a," not that that matters.
Anyway, um, I see here that you penciled-in you're a presbyterian? I actually would never have asked you that.
Aw, gee, and now if you don't hire me, it'll look like it was for religious reasons.
That could get ugly.
I got this one.
Listen, you asshat.
You bring one more thoughtful gift in here, I'll cut off your clothes and throw you out on the street! Nikki, unfortunately, I don't think this is gonna work out.
You mean, because I'm presbyterian? Hey, can you start Monday? And she actually had the nerve to imply that the three of us have a dysfunctional relationship.
To be fair, we are sitting in a parked car full of rotting meat.
I miss her.
Oh, boy.
Here come the waterworks.
Listen to me.
You're better off, okay? Have I ever steered you wrong? I mean, for God's sake, I'm the one who potty-trained you.
Yeah, and you didn't do such a great job.
Apparently, you're supposed to lift the seat up.
Says who? Look.
It's okay to grieve, Danny.
Sometimes, it's the longest part of a relationship.
I don't want to grieve.
Look, Kim was the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.
I know how you feel, buddy.
Look, I don't want to lose this car, but the only way I can recoup the coin I shelled out for all this meat is the insurance money.
Everybody out.
[Parking brake releases.]
Oh, crap.
I left my wallet in the glove compartment.
[Crashing, splashing.]
So, how did you get Kim to come down here anyway? Well, I simply said we need to talk.
How's Dan? Have you heard anything? Were they able to save his leg? What exactly did you tell her? He said Dan was hit by a bus.
What I meant was, your break-up hit him like a bus.
You said he was in intensive care.
I said he intensely cared.
Danny is miserable, okay? He's been laying on a couch for days, watching a Julia Roberts marathon.
He actually made us watch "eat, pray, love.
" It made me puke my lunch.
Sheldon! Is Ryan okay? What are you telling these people? Kim? What are you doing here? What's going on? Both of you need to sit down.
This isn't an easy thing to say, but we have some really bad news.
[Sheldon and Ryan taking deep breaths.]
You two need to get back together.
Glass of white wine, please? Could you lay off the booze for 10 seconds, Kim? Guys, please, just let me handle this.
No, no, no.
We've got this.
Look, for some reason, Danny seems to like you.
Now, personally, I don't get it.
I do, but, you know, I still have some issues.
And we're willing to put aside our many, many problems for Danny, because this is what Danny wants.
So? What do you say? Huh? Should we take a shot? Are you crazy? So that's a "no"? Why not? What's the problem? Honestly? It's you.
And you.
Oh! So now this is our fault? Look, Kim, I know it seems like my brothers are really involved in my life, but they raised me.
I mean, Sheldon gave up his dream of becoming a rock star just to put me through law school.
Sheldon was going to be a rock star? No! [Laughing.]
But he gave up kidding himself.
Look, the point is, they care.
Heck, they even wanted me to impress you.
Remember that great dinner we had the other night? Ryan cooked the lasagna.
And the creme brulee was Sheldon.
The fire makes 'em hot.
The fear turns into arousal.
I mean, I'm sure you know the rest.
It's like I slept with Sheldon! You should be so lucky.
And you think this is normal? Now that I hear it Dan, you're a really great guy, but I don't think I can do this.
Wait.
Kim! He said you might be the one.
You did? Oh, yeah.
He kept repeating it during "notting hill.
" It was incredibly disrespectful to Hugh grant's performance.
Look, Danny has never felt like this before.
I want to hear it from Dan.
Kim, I think we have something special.
I don't know where any of this is going to lead, all I know is I've never felt this way about anyone before.
I'm falling for you.
And he's just not willing to let you go.
Okay.
Oh, Dan.
[Sheldon and Ryan snap.]
: "Danny.
" Fine.
I can do "Danny.
" Come on, let's get out of here.
Sounds great.
How about some Chinese food? Really, Ryan? Oh.
So that's how it's going to be? Just this once? Okay.
But no meat.
What? That's the whole point of getting Chinese food! Okay, fine, no meat.
Huh? Just pork.
How about that? Is that all right? Do you eat pork? [Romantic music plays.]
Nice.
I like the candles.
Are you trying to tell me something? Mm.
Yeah.
That your place smells like a meat locker.
Oh.
Come here.
[.]
[Locked door rattles.]
[Sheldon, knocking.]
: Hello? [Ryan.]
: Danny? My key's not working! [Door rattles, guys keep knocking.]
Oh, your brothers Don't worry.
I put the deadbolt on.
That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.
[Door rattles.]
You think he's okay? Maybe we should call 911.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I hear signs of a struggle.
[Roars.]
: I'm getting an axe!