Painting with John (2021) s01e01 Episode Script
Bob Ross Was Wrong
1
("AFRICAN SWIM, MAIN TITLES"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
JOHN LURIE:
Oh, man, look at that.
(DRONE BUZZING)
How do I slow it down?
Yo, how do I slow it down?
Don't! No, no!
(CRASHING)
(BIRDS SINGING)
Oh, yo. My drone.
Fuck.
(BIRDS SINGING)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(EXHALES)
That's the opening of my show.
-Damn.
-(BIRDS SINGING)
("AI IS HATED"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
Now what am I gonna do?
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
Say, "Hello,
welcome to Painting with John,"
and then do a polite smile?
Hello, and welcome
to Painting with John.
(EXHALES)
My polite smile is terrible.
Hello, and welcome
to Painting with John.
(BIRDS SINGING)
My polite smile
frightens people.
Hello, and welcome
to Painting with John.
Fuck.
Hello, and welcome
to Painting with John.
(GNASHING)
("I HOPE SHE IS OKAY"
BY MARVIN PONTIAC PLAYING) ♪
Ba-dum ♪
Ba-dee ♪
Ba-dum ♪
Bum ♪
Ba-dum ♪
Ba-dee ♪
Ba-dee ♪
Bum ♪
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(CHIRPING CONTINUES)
Bob Ross was wrong.
Everybody can't paint.
It's not true. So
it's very optimistic
to think that everybody can.
I think that everybody can paint
when they're young.
In fact, most of the best
paintings I've ever seen
were put on a refrigerator
with a magnet.
And I think most of us,
maybe all of us,
when we're three, four,
five, six, seven, we can all--
we're all artists,
we all have that thing.
And in a lot of people
it gets pounded out of you,
or you, you know,
the adult part of your mind
tells you to drop that,
which might be the way to go.
I don't know.
I know that my parents
did something
with me and my brother
and sister that--
that nurtured that thing,
that kept it alive,
that protected it,
that made us go
into our adult life
with both music,
and my sister dances,
and-- and-- and in painting
to keep that sort of childlike
wonderment thing.
And-- and I think
it's really important.
I mean
in my case they may have
gone too far and, uh,
I'm still searching
for my inner adult.
Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah
Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah ♪
Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah
Pah-pah-pah-pah ♪
But I could never quite
figure out how they did it.
When my brother Evan was a kid,
he would be a character.
When he was like
three, four, five,
he would be Rin-Tin-Tin
for a week.
He would demand to have his food
served to him
on the floor in a bowl
and my parents (CHUCKLES)
went along with it,
and would, "Rin-Tin-Tin,
it's time for dinner,"
and he would come and eat
on the floor.
And there was about a week
where he was Mighty Mouse,
and he would just be
flying around the house
with his cape on,
just whoosh, there goes Evan.
And my father was waiting
on this important phone call,
and it-- there was something
terrible about it.
He had that thing where
he was beholden to this guy
who was supposed to call him.
It was about a job or something.
I was six, five, you know,
so I don't really know.
I just remember being--
not liking this thing.
It was like my father
was waiting for this guy
to call him
and he's not calling him,
and it's like this guy's
got power over my dad.
So whatever it was,
it was just like,
I didn't like it.
And, um
(CLICKS TONGUE)
You know, it's 1958, '59,
something like that,
and so we've got the, you know,
we've got the phone on the wall,
and it never rings
because nobody else has a phone,
and if your phone rings,
it's a big deal.
And my father's waiting
on this phone call,
and, uh
the phone rings
and Evan comes flying
through the kitchen in his cape
and answers the phone. "Hello!"
And then there's a pause,
and then he goes,
"No, this is Mighty Mouse!"
And then he hangs up the phone.
And I'm like,
"Oh, Evan, what did you do?
You can't do that."
But the amazing thing was
my parents did not scold him.
They weren't mad at him
because Evan being Mighty Mouse
was more important
than the phone call,
and that's huge to me.
Thank you for stopping by.
("GOODBYE TO PEACH"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
JOHN: I felt I should use
this beautiful moment to
to say something poetic
but I don't have anything.
So just imagine
I'm saying something poetic.
(BIRDS SINGING)
How did you do?
Did you do good?
Why put it all on me?
There's a sunset.
You think of something poetic.
I think it's better.
("I CAME TO VISIT HERE
FOR A WHILE" BY JOHN LURIE
NATIONAL ORCHESTRA PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
(BIRDS SINGING DISTANTLY)
SCOOCH THE OOCHER:
When you press this part
ANN MARY GLUDD JAMES: Oh, man!
SCOOCH THE OOCHER:
You move the elastic.
Wait. Where's the wool?
SCOOCH THE OOCHER: It was here.
I think that's why
the hole has to be bigger,
Ann Maria.
JOHN: It's okay, you guys.
I'm just
in the other room painting
so I can pay your salaries.
(SCOOCH THE OOCHER LAUGHS)
JOHN: You just--
you just keep working on that.
(OBJECT CLATTERS)
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Now we have to--
now we have to fix this.
-(ANN MARY LAUGHING)
-That's what we do for a job.
-ANN MARY: Oh my God.
-We break his things,
-and then we spend hours
-(ANN MARY CHUCKLES)
-ANN MARY: Fixing it.
-to fix them.
And then he gives us money.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
JOHN: Just wanna point out
that that thing--
(LAUGHTER)
-SCOOCH THE OOCHER:
(LAUGHING) One hour.
-That thing--
But also, they've had it
on the refrigerator
upside-- upside--
Why was it upside down?
John, because
the front of our fridge
JOHN: Yeah.
-is-- it's not magnetic.
-JOHN: Yeah.
-We can only
put it on this side.
-So, I understand why--
I understand he was on--
why he was on
the side of the fridge,
but why was he upside down?
Um
John, uh--
Because it was facing this way.
You can turn it around
so the magnet
So that he was facing you?
-ANN MARY: Yeah.
-So you wanna see his face?
SCOOCH THE OOCHER: Yes, yeah,
so we put it upside down,
so we can see his face.
-But it just broke, so
-JOHN: You couldn't--
He couldn't be facing that way?
Because you could
sit in here and admire him.
SCOOCH THE OOCHER: No, we wanna
see the face. It's the face.
JOHN: I just want people to know
that none of the trees
in my paintings are happy.
They're all miserable.
They are very unhappy.
The flowers in particular
are miserable.
They hate life.
These are not happy trees.
They are miserable.
(BIRDS SINGING)
JOHN: This is my backyard.
(BIRDS SINGING)
(BIRDSONG CONTINUES)
Sometimes in the dry season,
there'll be iguanas back here.
Also a lot of possums.
They call them manicou.
(BIRDS SINGING)
I will use somebody's laugh
to gauge if I trust them or not.
I don't trust somebody
until I hear their laugh
and know that it's, like,
a full, real laugh.
Somebody
that doesn't laugh right,
I don't trust them.
Something blocking their soul.
In Thailand,
you hear this laughter
just floating through the air.
It's just so--
It can just be so beautiful.
They have a thing
called sanook there, which
they translate it as "fun,"
but it's not really "fun."
"Fun" isn't right.
But you hear these laughs
just that go
floating through the air,
just makes your heart go,
"Yeah. This is life."
Or in Africa,
you hear these laughs
that come from down
deep in the belly,
this booming, big,
wonderful, roaring laughs.
Just nice, man.
Makes me happy to hear it.
And then in the expensive
restaurants in New York,
you hear these cackles
that come from way up
in the throat, the neck up.
They're they're painful.
Makes you sorry
for these people.
Somebody should come
and teach them
how to laugh, because--
And then if there's
a group of them,
they're emboldened by numbers
and they just go
(FAKE LAUGHS)
"Oh, that was funny."
(FAKE LAUGHS)
And you just wonder how the fuck
they have sex, like
(FAKE LAUGHS)
Just terrible. But, uh
Yeah, man, I don't know.
You just wonder
who the rich people are,
the people who can afford
the fancy restaurant
but can't laugh,
or the people who can laugh
and you just have having rice
and a little piece of fish
for dinner.
They're the rich people
in my book.
I, um, realized that
that was unfair
that I thought
you could write a poem
about the sunset so quickly,
so hopefully you've thought
about your poem,
and, uh
and I'm gonna give you
another chance.
Here's a beautiful sunset.
Now write a poem.
(BIRDS SINGING)
("THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"
BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYING) ♪
("AFRICAN SWIM, MAIN TITLES"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
JOHN LURIE:
Oh, man, look at that.
(DRONE BUZZING)
How do I slow it down?
Yo, how do I slow it down?
Don't! No, no!
(CRASHING)
(BIRDS SINGING)
Oh, yo. My drone.
Fuck.
(BIRDS SINGING)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(EXHALES)
That's the opening of my show.
-Damn.
-(BIRDS SINGING)
("AI IS HATED"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
Now what am I gonna do?
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
Say, "Hello,
welcome to Painting with John,"
and then do a polite smile?
Hello, and welcome
to Painting with John.
(EXHALES)
My polite smile is terrible.
Hello, and welcome
to Painting with John.
(BIRDS SINGING)
My polite smile
frightens people.
Hello, and welcome
to Painting with John.
Fuck.
Hello, and welcome
to Painting with John.
(GNASHING)
("I HOPE SHE IS OKAY"
BY MARVIN PONTIAC PLAYING) ♪
Ba-dum ♪
Ba-dee ♪
Ba-dum ♪
Bum ♪
Ba-dum ♪
Ba-dee ♪
Ba-dee ♪
Bum ♪
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(CHIRPING CONTINUES)
Bob Ross was wrong.
Everybody can't paint.
It's not true. So
it's very optimistic
to think that everybody can.
I think that everybody can paint
when they're young.
In fact, most of the best
paintings I've ever seen
were put on a refrigerator
with a magnet.
And I think most of us,
maybe all of us,
when we're three, four,
five, six, seven, we can all--
we're all artists,
we all have that thing.
And in a lot of people
it gets pounded out of you,
or you, you know,
the adult part of your mind
tells you to drop that,
which might be the way to go.
I don't know.
I know that my parents
did something
with me and my brother
and sister that--
that nurtured that thing,
that kept it alive,
that protected it,
that made us go
into our adult life
with both music,
and my sister dances,
and-- and-- and in painting
to keep that sort of childlike
wonderment thing.
And-- and I think
it's really important.
I mean
in my case they may have
gone too far and, uh,
I'm still searching
for my inner adult.
Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah
Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah ♪
Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah
Pah-pah-pah-pah ♪
But I could never quite
figure out how they did it.
When my brother Evan was a kid,
he would be a character.
When he was like
three, four, five,
he would be Rin-Tin-Tin
for a week.
He would demand to have his food
served to him
on the floor in a bowl
and my parents (CHUCKLES)
went along with it,
and would, "Rin-Tin-Tin,
it's time for dinner,"
and he would come and eat
on the floor.
And there was about a week
where he was Mighty Mouse,
and he would just be
flying around the house
with his cape on,
just whoosh, there goes Evan.
And my father was waiting
on this important phone call,
and it-- there was something
terrible about it.
He had that thing where
he was beholden to this guy
who was supposed to call him.
It was about a job or something.
I was six, five, you know,
so I don't really know.
I just remember being--
not liking this thing.
It was like my father
was waiting for this guy
to call him
and he's not calling him,
and it's like this guy's
got power over my dad.
So whatever it was,
it was just like,
I didn't like it.
And, um
(CLICKS TONGUE)
You know, it's 1958, '59,
something like that,
and so we've got the, you know,
we've got the phone on the wall,
and it never rings
because nobody else has a phone,
and if your phone rings,
it's a big deal.
And my father's waiting
on this phone call,
and, uh
the phone rings
and Evan comes flying
through the kitchen in his cape
and answers the phone. "Hello!"
And then there's a pause,
and then he goes,
"No, this is Mighty Mouse!"
And then he hangs up the phone.
And I'm like,
"Oh, Evan, what did you do?
You can't do that."
But the amazing thing was
my parents did not scold him.
They weren't mad at him
because Evan being Mighty Mouse
was more important
than the phone call,
and that's huge to me.
Thank you for stopping by.
("GOODBYE TO PEACH"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
JOHN: I felt I should use
this beautiful moment to
to say something poetic
but I don't have anything.
So just imagine
I'm saying something poetic.
(BIRDS SINGING)
How did you do?
Did you do good?
Why put it all on me?
There's a sunset.
You think of something poetic.
I think it's better.
("I CAME TO VISIT HERE
FOR A WHILE" BY JOHN LURIE
NATIONAL ORCHESTRA PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
(BIRDS SINGING DISTANTLY)
SCOOCH THE OOCHER:
When you press this part
ANN MARY GLUDD JAMES: Oh, man!
SCOOCH THE OOCHER:
You move the elastic.
Wait. Where's the wool?
SCOOCH THE OOCHER: It was here.
I think that's why
the hole has to be bigger,
Ann Maria.
JOHN: It's okay, you guys.
I'm just
in the other room painting
so I can pay your salaries.
(SCOOCH THE OOCHER LAUGHS)
JOHN: You just--
you just keep working on that.
(OBJECT CLATTERS)
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Now we have to--
now we have to fix this.
-(ANN MARY LAUGHING)
-That's what we do for a job.
-ANN MARY: Oh my God.
-We break his things,
-and then we spend hours
-(ANN MARY CHUCKLES)
-ANN MARY: Fixing it.
-to fix them.
And then he gives us money.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
JOHN: Just wanna point out
that that thing--
(LAUGHTER)
-SCOOCH THE OOCHER:
(LAUGHING) One hour.
-That thing--
But also, they've had it
on the refrigerator
upside-- upside--
Why was it upside down?
John, because
the front of our fridge
JOHN: Yeah.
-is-- it's not magnetic.
-JOHN: Yeah.
-We can only
put it on this side.
-So, I understand why--
I understand he was on--
why he was on
the side of the fridge,
but why was he upside down?
Um
John, uh--
Because it was facing this way.
You can turn it around
so the magnet
So that he was facing you?
-ANN MARY: Yeah.
-So you wanna see his face?
SCOOCH THE OOCHER: Yes, yeah,
so we put it upside down,
so we can see his face.
-But it just broke, so
-JOHN: You couldn't--
He couldn't be facing that way?
Because you could
sit in here and admire him.
SCOOCH THE OOCHER: No, we wanna
see the face. It's the face.
JOHN: I just want people to know
that none of the trees
in my paintings are happy.
They're all miserable.
They are very unhappy.
The flowers in particular
are miserable.
They hate life.
These are not happy trees.
They are miserable.
(BIRDS SINGING)
JOHN: This is my backyard.
(BIRDS SINGING)
(BIRDSONG CONTINUES)
Sometimes in the dry season,
there'll be iguanas back here.
Also a lot of possums.
They call them manicou.
(BIRDS SINGING)
I will use somebody's laugh
to gauge if I trust them or not.
I don't trust somebody
until I hear their laugh
and know that it's, like,
a full, real laugh.
Somebody
that doesn't laugh right,
I don't trust them.
Something blocking their soul.
In Thailand,
you hear this laughter
just floating through the air.
It's just so--
It can just be so beautiful.
They have a thing
called sanook there, which
they translate it as "fun,"
but it's not really "fun."
"Fun" isn't right.
But you hear these laughs
just that go
floating through the air,
just makes your heart go,
"Yeah. This is life."
Or in Africa,
you hear these laughs
that come from down
deep in the belly,
this booming, big,
wonderful, roaring laughs.
Just nice, man.
Makes me happy to hear it.
And then in the expensive
restaurants in New York,
you hear these cackles
that come from way up
in the throat, the neck up.
They're they're painful.
Makes you sorry
for these people.
Somebody should come
and teach them
how to laugh, because--
And then if there's
a group of them,
they're emboldened by numbers
and they just go
(FAKE LAUGHS)
"Oh, that was funny."
(FAKE LAUGHS)
And you just wonder how the fuck
they have sex, like
(FAKE LAUGHS)
Just terrible. But, uh
Yeah, man, I don't know.
You just wonder
who the rich people are,
the people who can afford
the fancy restaurant
but can't laugh,
or the people who can laugh
and you just have having rice
and a little piece of fish
for dinner.
They're the rich people
in my book.
I, um, realized that
that was unfair
that I thought
you could write a poem
about the sunset so quickly,
so hopefully you've thought
about your poem,
and, uh
and I'm gonna give you
another chance.
Here's a beautiful sunset.
Now write a poem.
(BIRDS SINGING)
("THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"
BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYING) ♪