Parks and Recreation s01e01 Episode Script

Hello.
Hi.
My name is Leslie Knope, and I work for the Parks and Recreation Department.
Can I ask you a few questions? Would you say that you are, "Enjoying yourself and having fun, "having a moderate amount of fun "and somewhat enjoying yourself, "or having no fun and no enjoyment?" I'm gonna put a lot of fun.
Ms.
Knope, there's a drunk stuck in the slide.
Sir, this is a children's slide.
You're not allowed to sleep in here.
What is? LESLIE You know, when I first tell people that I work in the government, they say, "Oh.
The government.
The government stinks.
"The lines are too long at the DMV.
" But now things have changed.
People need our help.
And it feels good to be needed.
Could you put your arms to your side? Wait And that might help you slide down a little easier.
We don't Do you want to come this way? Uh-uh.
Okay, we're gonna need you to get out.
Can you please go away? Get out of the slide.
Okay? You're Can you please go away? Here we go! Okay, wake up.
Here we go.
Out of the slide.
LESLIE You know, government isn't just a boys' club anymore.
Women are everywhere.
It's a great time to be a woman in politics.
Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, me, Nancy Pelosi.
We did it! You know, I like to tell people, you know, "Get on board and buckle up, "because my ride's gonna be a big one.
" And if you get motion sickness, you know, put your head between your knees 'cause Leslie Knope's stopping for no one.
Tonight is our next monthly community outreach public forum.
And that is tonight.
That is tonight.
Right.
Leslie will be running it.
And we need one more.
Who wants in? Tom.
Fine.
LESLIE This is a great thing for you guys to see.
This is where the rubber of government meets the road of actual human beings.
When I go through these doors, I need to be on.
Like the White House Press Secretary.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Okay.
Here we go.
It's locked.
Okay.
Here we go.
Thank you so much for coming.
What an amazing turnout.
My name is Leslie Knope.
I am the deputy director of the Parks and Recreation Department, and tonight we're gonna be taking some of your questions as Hello? We're having a meeting in here.
Does anybody have any questions about permits? So, take two.
I'm Leslie Knope, and with me is department member Tom Haverford.
We are here to answer any and all of your questions, so fire away.
Well, it's a great day, because last month they put me in jail.
That's right.
The head of the police is a ninth-degree Mason.
But the music is so loud.
Stop the graffiti, please.
Please.
I don't like obscenities just as much as you don't like them.
No, it drives me crazy.
I have kids.
Right.
But I've got my little three-year-old, I'm going through the park and someone's like, "Hey my " And the guy's, "You my, you head.
" These people are members of a community that care about where they live, so what I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
Now, I have a few things I want to say about Laura Linney.
Thank you so much, Barry.
Always great to have you here.
Anyone else who would like to contribute? Hi.
Hi, hi.
Hi.
I'm Ann Perkins.
I'm a nurse, and frankly, I don't really care for politics, but I'm here to talk about the abandoned lot on Sullivan Street.
Excellent.
That sounds like a good idea.
Tell us about that.
No, it's a problem.
It almost killed my boyfriend.
Oh.
Yeah.
There's a lot nearby my house, and a developer dug out a basement for some condos, and then they went bankrupt, so there's just this giant pit, and it's been there for almost a year.
Twelve months, yes.
Go on.
Yeah, and my boyfriend, who is a musician, actually, I support him, but anyway, he fell in and broke both his legs.
Ann, let me speak with you for a minute.
So, your boyfriend fell down into this pit, right? Yes.
And, this guy, is it pretty serious? Are you guys living together? Yes.
Wow, I'm sure this must be really tough for you.
You know, just, this guy, sounds like he didn't have a lot going on for him to start with, and now both legs broken.
He's just weak.
You have to take care of him.
You probably feel like you need to move on.
What does this Just become more adventurous in relationships with your body, just in Are you actually hitting on me right now? Oh.
Oh.
God, no.
I'm not hitting on you.
I'm actually married.
I'm just an open person, and I like connecting with people.
I'm, you know, very comfortable around women, attractive women.
I've spent a lot of time with them.
And I just I don't know.
I feel like we might be taking up too much of the forum's time.
Maybe we can just exchange numbers.
You know, maybe go away one weekend and just kind of talk about this.
Look I'd love to do it.
The bottom line is I've been trying to get this thing fixed for months, and nobody's done anything, and it's ugly, and it's dangerous, and it's government-owned, and you need to do something about it.
Okay.
I'll do something about it.
Really? Yes, we I will help you.
Is that a promise? It's more than a promise.
It's a pinky promise.
I pinky promise all of you that I will help, and I will go to that location tomorrow, and we will fill in that pit, and then when that's done, we're gonna put a park on the land.
Okay.
LESLIE Well, I've worked at the Parks Department for six years, and I've handled a lot of things that I'm proud of.
Recently, I led a city-wide drive to disinfect the sandbox sand after we had those problems with the cats.
But this pit, the chance to build a whole new park from scratch, this could be my Hoover Dam.
No, that sounds great.
Problem is, anything over $25 I have to report, so maybe give my wife a call and give her the suits, and then if they don't fit her, maybe she'll give them to me.
Morning.
All right, Mr.
Mayor.
That sounds good.
I'll see you on Saturday for the Ultimate Frisbee game.
Bye.
Leslie, hello.
You were talking to the mayor? Yep, we were just rapping about some things.
Tom and I work really well together.
We're both outsiders.
I'm a woman, he's a I think he's a Libyan.
I am from Bennettsville, South Carolina.
I am what you might call a redneck.
Okay, brainstorm.
How do we make this park happen? Let's go to the city council directly and ask them to put up the money.
No, parks are not a priority.
I need more firepower.
I need bigger guns.
You know what I need to do? Form a committee.
Right? Yeah, that could work.
Yeah, 'cause committees are power, and committees make things happen.
Committees are the lifeblood of our democratic system.
That's really good.
Write that down.
Yep.
From time to time, when I think of an eloquent saying or a phrase, I have Tom write it down.
He's collecting them for my memoirs.
Here's Leslie's quote from Wednesday.
Okay, read it back to me.
Um "Committees cover our democracy with blood.
" Hmm.
Sounded better when I said it.
It's still good, though.
Okay, I have an idea.
What about bringing Mark on board? Which Mark? Which Mark? Mark Brendanawicz.
Which Mark? Well, if you want something done in this town, you call Mark Brendanawicz because, you know, he's a city planner, but he's more than that.
He's kind of like a fixer.
He fixes things.
He's a smart, capable guy.
He just He knows where the bodies are buried.
What's up, Brendanawicz? You crazy old Polish person.
LESLIE City Hall is like a locker room, and you gotta get in there, and you gotta snap towels at people, and you gotta give them the business, and if you can't take it, you know, you Then you can't take it.
You gotta leave the locker room.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
I know you don't have a lot of time and I want to thank you for meeting me today.
I just work right there.
Well, thank you for clearing your schedule.
I didn't clear anything.
You know this lot that I'm talking about, right? Yeah, Lot 48.
Condo developer.
He dug a basement, and then he went bankrupt.
I checked it out like a month ago.
It's pretty gross.
What would you say if I told you that I was thinking about turning it into a park? A park, huh? Okay.
Well, when I think about the logistics, the various hoops that you're gonna have to jump through, I would say, is it likely? No, it's not likely, you know.
But, is it possible? No.
It's not possible.
I would give up on that one.
What? Why? Why? I don't know.
There's like a million reasons why.
Homeowners' associations, anti-government nuts, bureaucrats, miles of red tape Really? It sounds like you're telling me to go for it.
There's no way it can happen.
I can do this.
I just need a little help.
Could you do me a favor, for old times' sake? Mark and I It's complicated.
When you work closely with someone and you share similar interests and you have a similar world view and you're passionate about the same things, things can happen.
We slept together.
Leslie? No.
Oh, my God.
You know what? Yeah, we did, like, five years ago.
I sort of No, but yeah.
Yeah, we did.
Honey, can you straighten up your area a little bit? 'Cause they're gonna be here soon.
Can Thanks.
That parks lady is coming over, and we're gonna go take a look at the pit.
I think it's probably just a photo op for her.
I mean, I don't think anybody in government actually cares about Honey, do you mind doing that somewhere else? I'm trying to watch TV.
I'm talking about the pit you fell in.
It's Ms.
Perkins' house.
Doorbell! Yeah, I heard it.
Doorbell! I heard it.
I'm getting it.
I'm here.
Hey! Wow! Look at that.
Safety.
You remember Tom from last night.
Hey, Ann, how are you? Yeah, hey.
Of course I do.
And this is our college intern, April.
She's going to be documenting our fact-finding mission.
Hey, April.
Hey.
Is this fun for you? Yeah, it's so much fun.
I'm just gonna grab my phone quickly.
Sorry.
This must be our hero.
The man heard 'round the world.
Uh-huh.
How you doing, son? Pretty good.
I'm Leslie Knope.
And the entire government of Pawnee would like to let you know that we will do everything we can to help you.
Could you pass me my itch stick? Of course.
So, Andy jumped over this fence.
He was crossing through to get home, and then he fell right there.
Oh, my God.
How did we let this happen? Dream with me for a second, Ann.
Doesn't this neighborhood deserve a first-class park? Imagine a shiny new playground with a jungle gym and swings, pool, tennis courts, volleyball courts, racquetball courts, basketball court, regulation football field.
We could put an amphitheatre over there with Shakespeare in the Park.
It's really not that big of a pit.
We could do some of those things.
It's gonna take a little extra work.
But why not try? I think that would be great.
Me, too.
I'm going in.
Why? Don't worry.
I have a hard hat on.
I can see that, but Yeah.
April, document this.
Document what? The key to any fact-finding mission is to get right into the battle zone, you know? It's like George Bush when he flew over New Orleans or Richard Nixon when he went to China to see what the Chinese were up to.
No! Leslie, are you okay? Leslie! Hold on, April's gonna get some photos for the website.
Could you just be still? Don't move around as much.
Okay, squeeze my fingers.
Good.
Does it hurt a lot? No.
Mmm-mmm.
I'm fine.
No, you're not.
Good thing I was wearing that hard hat.
But it It fell off.
After my head hit that rod.
Wow.
I can't believe you fell in, too.
That's awesome.
It's not awesome, Andy.
Well, at least my boss will listen to me now that I broke my clavicle.
It's not broken.
It is.
Do you have one of those neck foam collar brace things? Honestly, you're fine.
Honestly, my clavicle's broken.
Oh, hey, baby, if you're going to the kitchen, could you make me pancakes real quick? Sure.
Ooh! Are pancakes being made? Thank you.
Sure.
I don't know, she's a little doofy, but she's sweet.
LESLIE Ron, please.
No.
No way.
Come on, Ron.
I've been a loyal foot soldier.
Give me my shot.
Let me have Lot 48.
Is that a travel pillow around your neck? Ron, I don't know how to explain this to you.
When you've been down in the pit Have you been in the pit? No, I haven't gotten down there yet.
Well, I have.
When you fell in.
When I visited the bottom of the pit on a fact-finding mission.
And when you're down there, you get some perspective about what it all means.
And let me tell you something, Ron.
What it means is I want this subcommittee.
I've been quite open about this around the office.
I don't want this Parks Department to build any parks because I don't believe in government.
I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money.
My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations.
Like Chuck E.
Cheese.
They have an impeccable business model.
I would rather work for Chuck E.
Cheese.
Well, I will definitely think about it.
I like the sound of that definitely.
I'm gonna leave before you change your mind.
Mr.
Swanson, I presume.
Lot Park? Giving the park to me? Still mulling.
RON She's insatiable.
She's like a little dog with a chew toy.
All right, you guys.
All right, all right.
I'll ask him.
Everybody wants to know what your decision is.
Someone on the phone about the park.
You know, I don't think I even want it.
Oh.
Man, my clavicle's still really hurting me.
Oh! This is a great shot.
I know.
That's awesome.
I think she's crying in that one.
Look at this one.
Hey, kids.
That's another good one.
Hey.
Hey, Brendanawicz.
You gotta come check this out.
Leslie took us out to that pit in Lot 48, and she fell inside.
And we have some awesome photos.
One.
Is she okay? Yeah, she's fine.
Oh! This is a classic.
That's the best one.
The up-skirt photo.
Awesome.
Hey, man.
Give me the photo back.
What's going on? Don't worry.
I can print more.
Leslie is unique.
Government work can beat you down.
I would say that I lost my optimism about government in about two months.
Leslie's kept hers for six years.
I've got a few rules about how to survive and prosper in a government job, and I think I'm about to break one of those rules.
I want you to give Lot 48 to Leslie so she can try to build a park.
Why should I? You owe me one, remember? Do you want to cash in for this? Yeah, I do.
LESLIE So this was built in And a little trivia, it is one of the first structures in America to ever have locks.
Wow! Oh, yeah.
This is our crown jewel.
It's one of our best murals.
It depicts the very famous battle at Conega Creek.
We have a lot of children visit, so often we have to cover up the more gruesome parts with a poster.
That is horrifying.
Yes, it is.
So, what do you want to see? The DMV? Animal control? Or we could Leslie! We did it.
Ron's approved our committee.
Oh, my God.
That's great! That's so great.
That's so exciting! This is huge.
I'm barely 34, and I've already landed a Parks Department exploratory subcommittee.
I'm a rocket ship.
Leslie.
I just heard the news.
Hey.
Isn't it great? Congratulations.
Thank you.
I'm so excited.
It's exciting, isn't it? It is.
Yeah.
Should I call a press conference now, or Yeah, call one.
Definitely.
I would.
Every now and then we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered.
One time I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.
She one time made out with the water-delivery guy in her office.
On Halloween, she was dressed up as Batman.
Not Batgirl.
Batman.
And I convinced her to go stop a crime that was going on outside.
And it is my favorite thing in the world.
You know what? America is awesome.
It's so full of hope and small towns and big cities and real people and delicious beverages and hot guys.
You just never know when opportunity is gonna strike.
Yeah.
You gotta be ready for it.
Yeah.
Are you excited? Definitely am.
Fired up.
Yeah! I'm really fired up.
I You know they say that democracy or whatever only works when people get involved? Well, I'm getting involved.
So I am gonna make a vow now that I will do whatever it takes to get this pit filled in.
Even if it takes two months.
Soul sista, soul sista Gonna get your phone, sista Yeah.
Sweet Lady Marmalard I've created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government.
This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger.
People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel.
Did you guys get a grant to do this? This is my basketball court.
I don't want to see any double dribble.
I don't want to see any three-second violations.
Bobby Knight!