Partners (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

1 What do you think? What do you think? I don't like that parts of it are purple.
They were grape popsicles.
It's tacky.
Who cares about that? It's cool.
Color matters, Joe! What do you think? What do you think? I think it's awesome.
I mean, I really like where we put the game room.
Game room? That's not a game room, Joe.
That's a spa.
Okay, for you and your wife, it can be a spa.
But for me and my wife, it's gonna be a game room.
Who's your wife? Alyssa Milano.
Who's your wife? Bette Midler.
Is that the lady that lives on the corner? Oh, my God.
You know nothing.
What do you think? What do you think? I think it's great.
It reminds me of that house where we used to play Nintendo when we were kids.
Remember? Remember? It was that what was that kid's name? It was like Tim something, right? Tim something Irish.
Close.
Phillip Schlemenson.
That's it.
That's this house.
I hated that house.
It was great.
I made out with Phillip's sister in that house.
I made out with Phillip in that house.
Oh, you never forget your first.
You just called him "Tim something Irish.
" Wasn't my first.
'cause I'm on top of the world, hey! I'm on top of the world, hey! waiting on this for a while now been dreaming of this since a child I'm on top of the world Look, if you'd just allowed us No.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
That's your problem.
You think too much.
Sometimes you just got to go with your gut.
No.
No.
That's your problem.
You only go with your gut.
That's why you have a tattoo of Clay aiken on your ass.
I'm telling you, my gut instinct has served us very well.
We have a new business because of it.
I found our secretary on a subway platform because of it.
And it is the reason why my boyfriend is a gorgeous jewish doctor.
He's a nurse, Louis.
Wyatt is mennonite and a nurse.
They're gonna promote him to jewish doctor any day now.
I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.
Agree to disagree.
Hey, Joe, you got a phone call.
May I just say, rosanna, that the way you're presenting your bosom this morning is sure to make Bernardo the envy of every shark at the rumble.
And may I just say, joke, joke, joke, gay, gay, gay, I will cut you.
It's your girlfriend on line two.
All right, just tell her I'll call her back.
Call her back? What? We have We have work to do.
In the year that you and Ali have been dating, I have never seen you not take her phone call.
Ah, it's nothing.
Meaning, "ah, it's something.
" Eh, it's no big deal.
Meaning, "eh, it's a huge deal.
" Oh, okay.
Okay, okay.
Fine.
Fine.
Uh I, uh, I think I have to break up with her.
What? Oh, my God.
Why didn't you bring this up sooner? Because I didn't want my drama to get in the way of our work.
Oh, my God.
It's so funny.
I always feel like our work gets in the way of my drama.
Well, tell me What happened? So, last night, I picked her up after work.
She's been really stressed out lately because the store is in trouble, and she has a lot riding on some buyer that's coming by to see her today.
If this story isn't about you or me in the next 30 seconds, I'm going to eat my fist.
No, no, don't.
Don't.
Don't.
It's too easy.
Yeah.
Anyway, so, she had a couple glasses of wine.
You mean four.
It was three.
It was four.
Girlfriend likes her liquor.
Then out of nowhere, she tells me she wants to get married.
And she wants kids Like, now.
So there's this "play me or trade me" ultimatum on the table, and I'm just I'm not ready for that.
Oh! I can't believe what I'm hearing.
This is crazy.
You know how much I love Ali.
I mean, for God's sake, I introduced the two of you.
No, you didn't.
Well, I had a lot to do with you two getting together.
You had nothing to do with it.
You were out of the country when we met.
Well, I've told enough people that I set you two up, so when legend becomes fact, print the legend.
It's just, you know, it's just Hey, okay, okay, okay, okay.
What is your gut telling you? My gut is telling me that there's lots of reasons that I should break Stop.
That's what your head is telling you.
What is your gut telling you? Ugh.
My gut is telling me that she is the sexiest, most beautiful woman Stop.
That's what your Schmeckle is telling you.
Aim for the middle now.
What is your gut telling you? It's it's telling me that, you know it's It's telling me that That's your answer, Joe.
It's not saying, "I-I-I-I-I-I have to marry her"" and if that's the case, then you you Oh, God, I can't believe I'm saying this.
You got to let her go.
It's not fair to her.
Mm.
Oh, my God, Louis, I think you're right.
My Schmeckle's gonna hate me for this.
Hey.
I was literally just calling you! What are you doing here? Uh, we need to talk.
Wait, wait.
I have the most amazing news.
Do you remember that night we went out and Louis had, like, four vodkas on the rocks? Oh, he had one.
Four.
Maybe two.
It was four.
Girlfriend likes her liquor.
Anyway, I took an ice cube out of his drink and said, "this would make a really cute ring," remember? I just remember him yelling, "it's flu season.
Stop fingering my mojito.
" Yeah.
He did.
But I designed one, and now it's gonna be featured in the largest jewelry catalogue in New York.
Wow.
Ali.
That is fantastic.
Raise the, uh, uh, raise the roof.
Louis, why did you tell juanita at the dry cleaner's that I'm a doctor? Oh, yeah, that.
Right.
Well, I mean, I-I, you know, I just She needed a doctor's note to get out of jury duty.
You don't you don't see anything wrong with that? A woman who wears cosmic radiance by Britney Spears should not serve on a jury.
That's not what I'm talking about, Louis.
I mean, I'm not a doctor.
I'm a nurse.
Yeah, right.
That.
Well, you know, I mean, I just I said "doctor" because, you know, it's It's it's easier to say.
Easier to say? How is that easier to say? Doctor.
Doctor.
Nice, hard consonants.
Clicks right out.
As opposed to "urrrr.
" You know, that's a slow-motion word.
Elphaba, stare blankly if you agree with me.
See? Louis, are you embarrassed that I'm a nurse? Wyatt, my love, come on.
I find it upsetting that you would even ask such a thing.
Of course I am! How could you not know that? I just thought it was part of your schtick.
Sweetheart, I am my schtick.
I just feel like everything is falling into place.
Well, look, I just wanted to talk to you about last night.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
It's just I was stressed out about losing the store, and then I started stressing out about losing you, and Just forget it ever happened.
Okay, but you did say that No, no, no.
No.
No.
My life is so good right now.
It's perfect.
I love you, Joe, and the last thing that I would ever want is for you to do anything because you feel pressured into it, so What did you want to say? Oh, my God.
What are you doing?! I'm going with my gut.
Ali landau, will you marry me? Really? Yeah.
Yes! Yes, I will marry you! Oh, my God.
Mm.
Gosh, why would he do it? What's better than Ali? Well, she wants to get married, and she gave him a "play me or trade me" ultimatum.
Wow.
A "play me or trade m"" ultimatum.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What is a "play me or trade me" ultimatum? I have no idea.
I was just going along because I didn't want to seem gay.
Wyatt, my love, you're a male nurse who DVRs everything on bravo.
That ship has sailed.
Oh, God, I just realized she's gonna be in my yoga class tomorrow.
That'll be so awkward for me.
Okay, let's come out of child's pose into warrior I.
Did you talk to Joe last night? No.
Oh, well, we were kind of busy.
I assume you know what happened.
I do.
How you doing? You okay? You seem okay.
Okay? I'm thrilled.
Oh, come on, baby girl.
It's me.
What? You don't think I am? Of course I'm thrilled.
And to tell you the truth, a little relieved.
I got you.
We're doing survive and thrive.
Good for you, you brave little toaster.
Down dog into plank into upward dog.
Okay, what are you talking about? I just want to say for the record it was not my idea.
I would hope not.
I think he was a fool to do what he did.
What? I could have told you he wasn't ready to get married.
I tell everyone in my life, "run everything past me first.
" Even yoga-wear decisions Hint, hint.
What do you mean he wasn't ready to get married? He proposed.
What? What happened to "play me or trade me"? What is that supposed to mean? Is he in? Does he seem upset? Oh, he's in a good mood.
He came in early, and he just started working.
Why? What'd you do? It's bad.
Do you need the girls? Yes, please.
Thank you.
Hey.
What you doing here? I thought yoga goes till 9:00.
I wasn't feeling it.
Okay, well, I got news.
I got newer news.
No, just listen to me.
Go ahead.
So, I did what you said.
I went with my gut.
I mean, I was ready to break up with her.
But then she looked at me, and she told me she loved me, and she just She took the pressure off.
And in that instant, I knew Joe, Ali's on line one.
We're working.
He'll call back.
No, I'm taking it.
What are you doing? Well, we're working.
He'll call back.
No, I'll take it.
Don't be weird.
Hi, honey.
Yeah, he's right here.
Why? He did what, now? Well, well, yes, yes, but but I Right.
No, I know that.
I know that.
It was gonna be a longer conver I think we should meet up.
Should we meet? Or maybe I have no interest Okay, well, I don't want any trouble.
I don't want any trouble.
You know what I mean? Okay, bye.
What'd she say? I'm going to kick your aiken.
What were you thinking? I was You know, it's funny.
No, you don't don't even answer that question! That is a ridiculous question, because you don't think! You just vomit whatever's in your head! You're a mental bulimic! Do you understand what you just did today? Do you? The engagement's off.
She doesn't trust me.
Oh, I can't believe I did this.
I-I'm a terrible person.
I hate myself! You're not really gonna make this about you, are you? What have I done? I just destroyed my best friend's life! You poor thing.
How can I help? Maybe some tea.
That'd be nice.
Yeah? You want some lemon, sugar? Yeah, lemon's good.
Stevia if you got it.
I'm not getting you a cup of tea, you schmuck! Oh, God! I can't do this with you anymore, Louis.
Oh, come on.
Joe, we'll get through this.
No, this isn't cute.
This isn't like when you bought me that parrot just for giggles.
I thought it would give you an air of whimsy.
No.
No, that that's not what it gave me.
You know what it gave me? It gave me a bathroom floor that looks like a Jackson pollock painting.
I'm sorry! Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's what you said when you totaled my dad's car With my mom's car! Gays can't drive stick.
Ironic, right? I wasn't thinking! Yeah.
No, t-that's the problem.
You don't think.
You never think, and I always end up getting hurt.
Oh, come on.
All of those things were silly.
Yeah, but this isn't silly.
This time you crossed a line.
And I'm done.
What are you saying? I'm saying that The cost of being friends with you has now officially outweighed the benefits.
I'm saying that this partnership is This friendship is Is over.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Wait.
Joe, Joe, Joe, wait, wait, wait.
Think about this! No, I'm going with my gut on this one, too.
There you go.
Thank you.
You're Louis' boyfriend, aren't you? Yes, I am.
He talks about you all the time.
My mother would be so happy if I was dating a doctor.
Yes.
So would Louis.
Oh, hey, Joe.
Oh, hey, Wyatt.
Why aren't you at work? Uh, let's just say I had to get out of the office.
Oh, hey, I heard you broke up with Ali.
Gosh, that's terrible.
Actually, I proposed to Ali, and she accepted.
Well, gosh, that's wonderful.
Yeah.
And then Louis went and told her that I was gonna break up with her.
And now the engagement's off.
Well, gosh, that's terrible.
Are there gonna be any more? No.
No, that's where it ends.
All right, I guess I'll see you around.
Huh? Hey, Wyatt? Yeah? How do you do it? Two hours in the gym every morning.
The rest is just good genes.
Oh, I can't believe he sent you here.
He didn't.
Oh, please.
Of course he did.
You two do everything for each other.
You're a perfect couple.
In fact, why did I even think about marrying Joe in the first place? What's the point? He's already married to you.
Not anymore.
What are you talking about? I really blew it this time, Ali.
Our friendship's over.
Give me a break.
This is the guy who called you, giggling, from my bathroom after we had sex for the first time.
You were totally out of our league.
We were so excited.
How do you deal with Louis? I mean, doesn't he drive you crazy? Well, that's easy.
No one in the world loves like Louis.
I mean, I question a lot of his decisions, but one thing I never question is his heart.
And if you keep that in mind, you can forgive all the other stuff.
Oh, speaking of hearts, I got to get back to work.
I'm in the cardiac wing today.
That's why I got a heart on.
Wow.
I can give you one if you want.
No, I don't think you can.
Ali, listen.
We were 12 when Joe's parents got divorced, okay? And and he was so sad that he stopped going to school for like a month.
And every day, I would go over to his house, and we would do his homework, and I would tell him which girls were getting boobs.
And I'd make him a panini.
Because I had to make sure that my best friend wasn't gonna get held back a grade.
It's a very nice story, but I'm not sure what it has to do with Ali, listen to me.
You've got to marry him because I need to know if I'm not gonna be around to take care of him, at least you will.
He was this close to breaking up with me.
He's not ready to He's ready.
But he's not certain that He's certain.
Louis, I just think that if he doesn't Ali, you're the most wonderful person that's ever come into Joe's life.
You're hotter than he is.
You're smart.
You're a bad cook, but with a little effort, you could learn to be a mediocre cook.
And what's more important than all of that you love Joe.
And he loves you more than More than almost anything else in the world.
What are you doing? Ali landau Will you do me the honor of marrying my best friend? This is so inappropriate.
Just just just Just answer the question.
I'll think about it.
Thank you.
Louis, what kind of freaky 12-year-old knows how to make a panini? Oh, you're still here.
Thought you'd be gone.
Just came in to, uh Pack up a couple of boxes.
Sure.
I'm really sorry that I I'm just sorry.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, hey.
Yeah, he's right here.
Why? He did what, now? Well, that's all kinds of inappropriate.
Oh, he did? Oh.
You will? You have no idea how happy you're making me right now.
Well, I mean, I don't know, you know.
He's such a pain in the ass, you know? All right, well, listen, you're my fiancée now, so, uh if you want me to forgive him, I, uh, I will.
I-I will forgive him.
I love you, too.
Yes.
More than him.
Bye.
Who was that? Wrong number.
So now that we're engaged, whose apartment are we going to move into, and whose apartment are we going to get rid of? P.
S.
It's yours, Ali.
Okay.
We are not engaged.
We are engaged.
Do we understand that? We do not.
We have been waiting to plan Joe's wedding for our entire life, and we are not going to let you ruin it with a barefoot-on-the-beach theme.
I wasn't.
Weren't you? I was.
Yes.
Guys, I'd like to acknowledge something.
Two people who really love each other came together today.
And it almost didn't happen, but this relationship is truly meant to be.
And I have no doubt that it will last forever.
Aw.
Thank you.
You drive-a me crazy.
Hey, come here! You do! I'm worth it! I'm worth it.
With that hat I hate.
Do we need to worry about this? I think we just need to accept the fact that there are four people at this table but three couples.
Huh.
I think that's kind of nice.
Oh, I still have my heart on.
It's not that nice.
I'm on top of the world