Peep Show (2003) s01e01 Episode Script

'This is fucking wicked.
'I'm almost definitely a musical genius.
' # This is outrageous # This is contagious Yeah? 'Maybe a tattoo on my chest.
'But of my face.
'Yeah.
Double me! 'Feel it.
' # So futile # 'She's on there.
' 'Got to get the same bus home.
Don't go.
Almost there.
'Yes.
I am the lord of the bus, said he.
'Where is she? 'Knickers, she's not on.
' - Hey, Mark.
- Sophie! - We must stop meeting like this.
- Heh, yeah.
I was running.
Were you running? - Right behind you.
I shouted but - Of course.
Stupid music.
- Why don't you? - What did you make of? 'Oh, no, shit, she's I should say.
'No, too late.
Already it's too late.
'Maybe if we hit a bump I can slip it out.
'Or keep shtoom, ride it out.
'Gonna need to waggle eventually to keep the circulation going.
' God, there's something Mark - Your hand! - Er, oh.
I was gonna say but I just Sorry.
No, no, it's fine.
'Of course, she's giving you the book-off.
'Women don't want your hand under their bottoms, Mark.
'That's been established, that's a given.
"'She sat on it, officer, it was an accident.
" "'Of course it was, now get in with the nonces.
" What a disaster.
' Oi, mate, er, can I have some of your Coke? 'They'll trap me and their brothers will hack me to ' - I said, can I have - Here.
- Look, he's a paedo! - Paedo! 'You're not a paedo.
You're definitely not a paedo.
' Go home, man! 'Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad.
'Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it 'with that of the Red Army, 'it has been a very big read.
' I'm basically wanting to meet someone like myself.
'That's the opposite of what I'm looking for.
' - Hey, man.
- Hey, man.
Now I know how whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa.
Knackered.
So how was your day? Shit.
Well, Toni came round to drop this off.
Oh.
A party.
Did you, you know, make your move? No, no.
She was going to Starbucks to read a book.
It's one of her things.
Besides, the move it's not a whole Sophie uptight situation.
We're just gradually sliding into a fuck buddy scenario.
- Fuck buddy? - Yeah.
A buddy you can fuck.
We're both so relaxed about sex.
Last time I was there, we watched a porno.
Four in the afternoon, just me and her.
I mean, that's me.
I'm not ready for the kind of thing you're after.
The whole - someone to go to Waitrose with.
- Yeah, I suppose.
'I don't want to go to Waitrose, I want a fuck buddy.
' 'I wish I was her fuck buddy next door, we'd do it through the wall.
' - How thick is wall? - Depends.
So, er, which Starbucks does she go to? 'Come on, come on, piss off.
I want to go to the shop.
'Need a poo, got to have loo paper.
'I should be able to walk out of my own door.
What's wrong with me? 'Be great if a car just ploughed into the lot of them.
'Twisted broken bones.
' Jesus, Mark! Are you OK? Hi, Toni.
I'm fine.
I was just checking the letter box for Sometimes they get stuck in there and next thing your phone's cut off.
Right.
You know they haven't got Alpen at that corner shop? - No.
- I said, "Have you got any Alpen?" He said, "No.
" I said, "Are you going to order any in?" - And he said he didn't know.
- That is a bit crap.
It's ridiculous! What kind of shop doesn't have Alpen? - I don't know.
- 'Go on.
' I've got Alpen! - Yeah? - Yeah, I mean, you can have some.
'What are you doing? What about the poo? ' 'Lf I can just hold it in.
'I think it's retreating.
' So, here we are then.
Bowl o' Alpen.
Makes me think of skiing holidays.
We always used to go skiing.
- Me, my mum, my sister.
- Wicked.
I've got a sister.
She's a lawyer, actually.
'Don't boast.
' What does your sister do? Not much.
She's got leukaemia.
'That's what you get for trying to flirt.
' That's terrible.
I'm so sorry.
I suppose I mean, at least it's not cancer.
It's a form of cancer.
Shit.
That's terrible.
My gran died of cancer.
Although, hopefully, your sister won't.
Obviously.
Listen, let's talk about something else.
Something fun.
Do you like Blackadder? I got the Blackadder set for Christmas.
- I never really - No, sure, forget it.
Terrible idea.
I know.
I know something funny.
# This is outrageous! # This is contagious!# And he's been working on it for a month! - # So futile # - Wait, this is the best bit.
# Waaaaaaaaaah!# 'This Grammy goes out to my homeboys in Compton, 'the Japanese people who mean so much to me.
'Mark's playing my track! He can't get enough of that shit.
' # dangerous!# - Jez.
- What's going? Toni.
I # And it's dangerous # Keep away from it # 'Great idea, Mark.
Humiliate your best mate just to 'Why didn't we play Othello? 'I'd love to bang her.
'Just buckle down, do your time, like Leslie Grantham.
' Hey, Jez, you're up.
Yes, that's right.
I'm up.
I'm making chicken tikka.
Plus I've bought us loads of great stuff.
Dune on DVD, Bakewell slices, gin, and Sara Lee.
Plus I was thinking - you know that 30 quid you owe me? Let's call it quits, yeah? I mean, not quits but, you know I'm just really, really, really, really sorry, Jeremy.
'Does he mind? Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me.
' Cos it was only a balls-up.
I ballsed up.
And now we're fine.
This'll be ready soon.
We can eat it in front of Hitler's Henchmen.
Yeah.
Listen, you know Kerry, cancer Kerry? - Yeah? - I need to find out for a friend the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about.
Can you remember? Sure.
It was Dr Ying Fu Yip.
Wang Shong.
Pang Fang Wang Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.
Oh, right.
I see.
I get it.
You were lampooning me.
It was a simple lampoon.
- Hey, Jez, what's up, man? - Super Hans.
Pint of Guinness, please.
No logo on the foam.
- No logo? - You don't buy into that, do ya? The old, "Ooh, I've got a clover in me foam.
"I'm so important.
" No.
What you're doing there is you're drinking an advert, ain't ya, eh, shithead? - Thank you.
- Right.
- So you got our track? - Er, no.
I've been thinking, I'm not sure.
I think maybe it's shit.
Whoa.
Hold it, cowboy.
Rewind.
Wash it.
The track's shit? Jez, the track's THE shit.
It's just I found Mark laughing at it.
What, so, Mr fuckin' Ocean Colour Pants don't get it? Quelle fuckin' surprise.
Plus he was doing it in front of Toni.
Mate, you gotta get some rewengay.
He broke omertà.
- You think? - Listen, the whole industry is run by suits like your mate.
- Is that why we haven't got a deal? - Course.
They're all Marks.
Sitting at marble desks, ties done up to eleven, clicking their fingers to the Lighthouse Family, getting their dick sucked by an Alsatian.
Yeah? They're all perverts, mate.
All in with each other.
It's not who you know, it's who you blow.
Right.
'So Toni scares me.
'I can have a relationship with someone that scares me.
Look at me and Dad.
' 'Oh, shit.
Relax, relax, it's OK.
'You're not a paedo, you're just a normal man walking past some simple children.
' - Hi there.
- Look, it's Clean Shirt.
'Clean Shirt? Isn't that good? ' - How do you get that shirt so clean? - 'Use the power of reason.
' Look, I know it must be difficult being a kid.
Not a lot of schemes.
But You know, I'm not the borough.
I wish I was but - Fuck off, Clean Shirt.
- I'm just a man.
Can't we just? Hey, no! No! Kicking's not Don't kick my foot! That's my Stop it! Don't kick my foot! 'Me and Toni, Toni and me.
'When his kooky charm starts to cloy, I'll be there.
'Fuck buddy number two.
'Great.
Wait for the crumbs to fall while my nuts slowly shrivel.
'Actually, I hope they do shrivel ' - Oh! - What's the matter? I thought you liked pork.
How did? What does it mean? It means omertà.
It means rewengay.
I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of Toni.
Don't think I can't see you trying to get a slice of my action because Sophie won't put out.
Oh, the gloves are off? Perhaps you should know what I think of your music.
Well, let's have some more truth, shall we? Cos the truth is you're a posh spaz.
Oh, really? I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.
In the way that you do posh spazzy things like tidying up and ironing your socks.
I do not iron my socks.
Socks, shirt, whatever.
'I'm going to the party and I'll get her in the end.
'I have the power of the brain - the most erotic muscle.
'A longbow beats the crossbow, my idiotic friend.
' Hey, look, just lay off.
- That's my bit of lager! - Oh, I get it.
- Are you gonna do me in? - Don't be ridiculous.
Are you gonna punch me, Mark? Is that what's going to happen? You just You You're lucky I don't - You're just very lucky.
- You're an animal.
You keep your tie done up to eleven otherwise all this grey office envy sludge will spill out.
And you've got weird nuts! What? How did you? If you're watching TV in your dressing gown, you should put some pants on.
So I'm glad we cleared the air.
Me too.
I feel better.
Much better.
Like a weight has been lifted.
Me too.
That's exactly how I feel.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's the guys.
Come on in.
So Toni's friends.
Who, what, why, and where? Well, that's the fun - I don't know anyone! - These are our neighbours.
- Neighbours? Did you think I'd invited friends? You know who your friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take your husband's shit.
It's great to know your neighbours, not just for security Right, exactly.
Drinks? Wicked.
'If I laugh at everything she says, I'll at least get a suck job.
' 'I should forget it, leave her to him.
Concentrate on the long game.
'Work on a six-pack by Christmas, then 'Why should I? We had something going when we were laughing at Jeremy.
' 'Oh, too late.
They're bonding.
' - What's funny? It's a fridge magnet.
- I know but it looks just like a fried egg.
'Heh-heh.
Twot.
' But if I pull out now, that's the deposit gone.
Right.
Nightmare.
- On the other hand - 'How did I get trapped with her? 'She's the most boring person here.
'They look great.
They might be talking about making a porno.
I'll do the music.
' So where do you live in the building? Oh, I don't live here, I'm Toni's sister.
- And what do you do? - I work in the music business.
You do? Well, that's amazing.
That's just really amazing.
Everyone writes down someone famous.
We swap, put them on our foreheads, and you work out who we are by asking questions.
It's really funny because Anyway, let's just play.
'Heh-heh.
Yeah, this is it.
Paula's gonna love this.
'Very Iggy.
' No, when you've finished, drop your Rizla in the bowl.
Oh.
Er, I'll Could I do mine again? We're not playing for points, mate.
Come on, just drop it in, old chap.
That's it.
- I give up.
- No, don't.
Just one This one's mine.
- Tim Henman? - Yeah, how did you? - Jeremy, have you worked out your? - Don't even go there.
It is literally impossible.
I'm just someone's secretary.
- The Home Secretary, Jeremy.
- Yeah, right, whatever.
- We're popping next door.
- You're going? 'The coast is clear! ' Yeah, I'm taking Paula to listen to my work.
She seems like she'd appreciate a good track.
Cool! Don't do anything I wouldn't do, sis.
Ha-ha! Which leaves her a hell of a lot of leeway! 'Heh-heh-heh.
I am in here! 'Sis Sister! Shit! ' Excuse me.
- Jez, can I have a word? - Yeah, I'm going, the coast is clear.
I don't expect you'll get very far but by all means have a pop.
I thought I'd better tell you.
Paula, she's She has cancer.
What? Are you serious? I thought I'd better mention it.
You don't wanna drop a clanger.
No.
Right.
Blimey.
Is it Jamie Oliver? Look, you're a cockmuncher, OK? # Feel it, yeah# 'You can't catch cancer.
I'd have heard.
Someone would've said.
' OK, I think I've heard enough.
- Yeah.
It's OK.
- Do you really think so? 'What kind? Blood? Bone? Knee? Face? ' - Yeah, I mean, I like it.
- Great! I mean, that's great.
But I'm guessing you didn't invite me to your room just to listen to some tape.
'Shit.
Of Course.
"It's who you blow.
"' No.
No, sure.
I know the rules.
Yeah, let's get it on baby.
Barry.
That guy is one serious power tripper.
He was all over my Rizla game.
'OK, Mark, you asked for it, now you've got it.
'She's looking for a fuck buddy.
Change gears, sauce things up.
' He's just so, "Yah, take the A304.
" I mean, yes! We can see your hairy chest.
And no, we're not impressed! Yeah, so, er, Jeremy tells me you two watched a porno together.
You know, I'd be into No, that was The English Patient.
'Ha! What an idiotic boob.
He's out, I'm in.
'Now, what's my shtick? Yeah ' You know, the Red Army shot 16,000 of their own men at Stalingrad.
OK.
And of course, the majority of the Wehrmacht had no winter clothing.
'I'm the tank commander now, Barry.
' I know how they feel.
You buy classic but classic keeps changing.
See, by the winter of '42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed Sixth Army.
It was pressing and pressing.
The Russians couldn't hold on much longer.
Many wanted to submit.
Mark, I don't just bang anyone.
I'm not some next-door fuck jar.
No.
No, of course not.
What I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched.
Zhukov countered and the siege was broken.
And that's all the story of Stalingrad.
'You're a sunshine coach, bringing a last smile to ' Erm, if we've got to do this, do you mind keeping the hat on? It's just - Sorry.
- We don't have to do anything, Jeremy.
- No? - No.
I mean, I don't mind.
I'd just rather not We could take Polaroids of me, you know, all excited and you could take them away I am very keen to sort you out, so to speak.
'That was embarrassing.
"'Not a fuck jar".
Don't dwell.
No need to dwell.
'Think charming, considerate.
' So your sister, she looks great considering Considering what? She doesn't have any dress sense? No.
You know, the whole thing, the leukaemia.
Oh, no, that's not Paula.
Paula's my half-sister.
Paula's doing fine! Except her idea of a present is a bunch of CD singles, and I do know you get them for free.
Toni, we're dry.
I was thinking someone should run to the offy before it shuts.
'The second front.
I can win on the second front.
'This is perfect.
I'm gonna be the knight on horseback 'with an armful of booze and enough nachos to feed the Mexican army.
'Oh, shit.
Shit! Fuck off.
Why don't you fuck the fuck off? 'Just run the gauntlet.
The little bastards will 'It's gonna shut as well.
' Er, excuse me, mate.
Er, sorry to bother you.
This is a bit embarrassing, really.
You couldn't possibly buy me a couple of bottles of wine? Pinot grigio, maybe.
Or Oi! Look, it's that paedo! - Ha-haaa! - Paedo.
But on the song, do you really like it? Yeah, it's hard to get that excited about.
I guess you're not in the right frame of mind 'Don't go on about it.
Jesus.
' - Are you gonna do more work on it? - 'How much time has she got? ' Maybe.
I mean, how long are you planning to stay in your job? - Oh, you know, as long as I last.
- Right.
- Look, should you be doing that? - Probably not.
But, you know, fuck it.
Jesus.
You know, I do think you're brave.
I just think you're very, very brave.
I make my decisions, I stick by them.
Everybody said you couldn't market acid jazz to the over 30s, and I was like, "Fuck that shit.
" Listen to you, you beautiful, crazy thing.
I meant the cancer.
I'm sorry which cancer? The bloody cancer eating you away.
OK.
Would you like it if I did have cancer? 'I bet Zhukov would've got booze.
Oh.
' Oh.
You're back.
I think it's winding down a bit now, actually, mate.
- 'Bastard.
' - Oh, yeah, very funny! I suppose you think cancer is just this huge practical joke! What? Oh, Jeremy, I'm so sorry.
- I thought - You're quite the guy.
Certainly not the kind of sicko to ruin someone's music career by suggesting that certain people have cancer.
What joke is next? "Hey, Jez, your mum's dead!" - Bloody hilarious.
- What's going on? I accidentally told him Paula had cancer.
Jeremy, Mark got it wrong.
He thought Paula was ill.
She's not, it was a mistake.
I'm sure Kerry would be rolling round the floor except she's head to toe in acupuncture needles.
I made a mistake.
You wouldn't give the name of the doctor for Toni's sister.
He wouldn't give the name for Sal? What's the big deal? So I didn't give him the number for Dr Tang? She's got leukaemia.
Sticking a few needles in her face is not gonna fix that.
OK.
I think it's time for you boys to fuck off now.
Hmm? Well, really, really nice to catch up, Soph.
See you tomorrow? - Tomorrow.
Great.
- 'Yeah, that's the way.
'Sophie's the one.
'Toni is Russia - vast, mysterious, unconquerable.
'Sophie is Poland - manageable, won't put up too much of a fight.
'Shit.
Oh, shit.
' - It's paedo! - 'OK, you want some, do you? 'Do you want a taste of my steel? ' # And did those feet in ancient times # Feel it! # Walk upon England's pastures green # Rah! # Outrageous # Ah, yeah! # Uh! Uh! Eeh! Oh! # Ohhh! # God save our gracious que #